He want's a divorce...... (Page 2)

I've been leaving him alone and i told him i'm moving out this weekend.. it hurts to bad to see him everyday. We have talked about things and I can see that he wants to try again but I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. He didn't say he changed his mind, but his actions seem to point that way. I've just been staying gone for the most part... When I see him it hurts. It's like sometimes I feel like it's all for the best but then other times I feel like I want to fight. It's all confusing. I'm just focusing on the kids and taking care of them.

"It hurts....but you're gonna get over it"

Thank you so much for your encouragement... It's nice to hear kind words during a time like this. Everyday things get better and better and my peace increases. I know this is the right move.

"Just act with principles and integrity while protecting your heart and interest so you can take good care of your kids... you will only be able to take good care of your love ones by taking care of yourself first and foremost..."

This is so true and very much appreciated. Sometimes you know these things but it really hits home when you hear other people say them.

You all have been such a great encouragement for me. When going through hard times it's always nice to recieve a good kind word from others.

He might be feeling guilty and sad too. Endings are always rough on everyone.

Maybe you guys need to take this break to reassess the situation. Who knows? You may after a year or so decide to work things through.

I find taking lots of sea salt baths (especially in candle light) very soothing. Also, when you are panicky and stressed/upset try taking a deep breath and holding it for a second before releasing it slowly. This helps me centre as well.

Be gentle with yourself honey. The path will reveal itself in time even though everything feels like it is in rubble at the moment.

LS, you always show the light at the end of the tunnel.. thank you!

I know I will catch flack but P Angel made a lot of valid points.

Also I have read a few past threads concerning Capywife and she doesn't always take full responsibility for the part she plays in certain situations, a lot of mind games were being played in this relationship...yes being told that I don't love you anymore can cut to the core but if a man actually says that it means he's deeply deeply hurt or jus a mean bastard, I believe he was frustrated and hurt.

Capywife, not trying to give you a hard time but it takes 2 to tango and if your reason for leaving is b/c he said he doesn't love you anymore well thats a lame reason to leave, if it's b/c he's cheating then hell yeah go but look at your own behavior and the part you played in the relationship falling apart, I don't take sides b/c I know better than to do that...your a very smart woman you KNEW in the deepest part of your heart he was ready to go months before he told you anything or you wouldn't have went through the motions of trying to keep it together... I have Cap in my chart so I know you knew, you felt it and sensed it, I knew he was leaving after the lounge incident, that was a huge hot mess and you really didn't take that seriously which puzzled me, seemed you quite enjoyed the drama of it all, I felt his reaction was a sign he was done with you. Caps have a strong sense of intuition.

keep it real...

I'm not attacking you okay but I have followed your post and I know its more thats not being said here to cause this rift...your young and you seem a bit immature.

don't beat me up lol!

You are welcome honey. I have had friends get back together after a seperation. Sometimes, it is just long enough to get through some of the resentment that lies underneathe. Sometimes, when things get hard, people forget the good stuff. Seperations sometimes bring the good stuff back to the surface.

In time, everything will be fine honey. Whatever the outcome.

it's not about who's at fault any longer. we both did wrong.

next time I know... you can't fix a marriage if something goes wrong.. if you have tough times just jet.

"next time I know... you can't fix a marriage if something goes wrong.. if you have tough times just jet."


:: scratches head and wonders why there's a communication problem ::

:: scratches head and wonders why people led this confused woman to believe this is the right course ::

You know P-angel, you are really a rude person. The way that you respond on this post is completely unacceptable. You have no respect and that's sad considering you don't even know me. When I said that I wouldn't try in marriage I was being sarcastic. I really wish that you would please never again comment on anymore of my posts because people like you really don't deserve an opinion. You're so one sided that there isn't anyway you could possibly give an opinion that really counts. You're life must really suck cause you have a lot of negativity in you. I feel sorry for you!!

And I thought that we both did want to fix it... Damn that's what he said, but he lied, his intentions were not to stay to fix it...although that's what he said. If he had told me he didn't want to fix it I would have left...just like he told me now and I'm not going back. People get through tougher times then what my husband and I went through...it's not impossible! Both parties have to want it to work though and now I'm aware that wasn't his intent although it was mine. The focus now is on the kids and their wellbeing and happiness. It's no longer on the events that led up to this result because looking back on the past will not change what's occurring now. It's a new day!

Everyone is saying stuff like...oh well if there was a problem you should have just left. Like no one can understand why I would try to work things out....not even for the sake of my children. It wasn't impossible, but we were on different pages in two totally different books, it can never work that way. He's said what he feels and so have I, now it's time to start over.

"You know P-angel, you are really a rude person."


CapyWife ... anything anybody says, at any given time, is actually rude if it's something you don't want to hear, even if it comes out in soft tones.

You don't want to hear what I have to say, just as you didn't want to hear what your husband had to say .. therefore it's unacceptable.

I find it odd that your whole premise of not liking to relate with your husband is because of his tones he took with you .. yet, this IS how an Aries relates when they are impassioned. Odd in the aspect that after all that time of being with him, you STILL failed to understand that this is him ..

Everything you said about how he relates with you, IS him being himself, and yet, it's unacceptable, which means no matter what he did or said is unnaceptable.

Respect means nothing if it isn't earned .. it's not something that is just deserved because you want it to be so. You say I have no respect, yet, at the beginning of this, you said everything was fine up until 9 hours ago and then a tyrade of bad-mouthing your baby daddy commenced.

NINE FUCKING HOURS ... and that is respect? How quickly you resorted to being disrespectful of him. I'm not a person who will just overlook, I will reflect back onto people what is deserving of them. If you don't like it, then don't post threads in here in which put all the responsibility on one person.

Funny, you say, "You're so one sided"

When in reality .. I'm the only person in here actually sticking up for the other person in this .. a person to whom isn't here to defend himself and is being talked about. He's innocent in this. Certainly not innocent in whatever went down with your relationship .. but, innocent in this thread because his voice isn't being heard .. only yours.

When you say, "one-sided", what you mean is .. it's not YOUR side. Look at how many are on your side? Is that what this is all about? Having sides?

Alright .. if that's how you justify being disrespectful of your baby daddy by sharing with the public how horrible of a person you think he is, without sharing his finer qualities, then I will take a side .. and it will be the person who is being defiled, while not having a voice to defend his position.

Still, my aim is in the same place, though, surely you can't see it.


To bring you to awareness ... if being harsh gets you there, while hating me, so be it. How you feel about me is irrelevant .. it's the communication with your husband that is my concern. Without actually "hearing" how he feels, there will be no resolution .. just continued ignorance.

Just as now, you say that comment was sarcastic, however, I know that is was real ... for all along, you've maintained how you ignore him when he needs to express because you don't like his tone.

No matter what has gone down, or why, or whether the marriage is reconcilable, or not .... if you do NOT hear his words for what they mean, then you will NOT really know how he feels. And no matter what, no matter fucking what CapyWife ... he IS your child's father, and if you aren't listening to him, then you cannot hold his values, his beauty, his standards .. and it's imparative that you do, for you are the person to whom will have the greatest influence in HIS child's life.

If you don't understand him ... then his child won't.

He has finer qualities, he has things in his life to be admired, to hold in high regard .... and if you don't recognize this .. then HIS child won't.

And if you refuse to hear his words .... then HIS child won't.

If things are tough .. jet. This is what you are teaching your child.

I guess people aren't allowed to be upset, angry, hurt, confused when they learn their partner wants a divorce. I guess all those bitter divorced people who have had years to process their divorce, not just a few weeks to wrap their heads about it, should just get over it.

P-Angel

People have emotions. You can't control them. Why are you trying to dictate how she should process her emotional grief and devestation?

Just because people are offering emotional support doesn't mean they are taking sides.

Compassion ... it is a good thing.

* If you don't understand him ... then his child won't.

lol!

Children eventually grow up and make their own decisions.

I get where you are coming from but give the woman a bit of time to get over the pain and shock. Let her process.

yeah ... but one more kick at the can ... lol!

"Just because people are offering emotional support doesn't mean they are taking sides."

lol, first, I'm not talking to you and second, I'll answer this, since you seem to be unaware also ... I'm not the one who is focused on sides and that was in response to her .... geez.

Am I the only person who is thinking in terms of being united, even if seperated, for the sake of the child?

Even the supporters in here can only hear my tone and NOT comprehend the words ..... I'm NOT the one trying to side, that was a reflection ..

MY whole point is AGAINST it being a side ..... geeez

* Even the supporters in here can only hear my tone and NOT comprehend the words .....

Noooo we get your point, at least I do, but if you aren't being heard because of your tone, shouldn't that be answer enough? If our message isn't getting through, it also reflects on our inability to communicate it as much as it does the recievers ability to comprehend it.

Capwife will do the right thing in the end. She is just grieving and lashing out ... at. the. moment. Understandably. She is in shock and devestated and probably terrified. I would be. Give her a bit of time.

There's no accountability ... so, the only thing one can do is side.


This woman is being led to believe that her best option is to end the marriage and be done with it ... work on nurturing HER wounds, and her wounds only.

How selfish .. the whole thing is selfish, completely one-sided. Compassion is a good thing ... I'm trying to show this for the other two people involved, who seem to be getting none.

With effort, with a desire, with maturity, with love ... these people can actually be healed within their circumstances .. but, that's not going to come from anybody in here .. from in here, the only thing that is going to come is for just HER.

He freaked out, he got pissed, he acted like an Aries ... and what happened .. ignorance yet again. If a person stands there and yells divorce is desired, while STILL STANDING THERE, then that is an angered reaction and NOT a desire.

Hello ......... even now, he wants to talk about it, but, the tone is not acceptable, so what does he get? IGNORANCE

Hello again .....

People may think I'm wrong, and I really don't give a shit what anybody thinks about me in here .... for I know I am the only one who is actually trying to get her to be AWARE of the circumstances so these people can actually heal.

proverbs said from the very beginning .. divorce is not the answer, and he would be correct.

If force-feeding this irritates any of you, I really don't care about you and your feelings, to be honest .... my aim is in the right direction, irrespective of anybody's opinion.

The salvation in here is NOT to jet (ignorance) .. the answer is proper communication. And proper communication does NOT come from expectations of how you think another is supposed to talk to you to satisfy your emotions .. proper communication is understanding that people relate differently and the to understand them means to actually hear the messege that is being brought to you so you can understand where the person is coming from.

And I'm NOT talking about me ... I'm talking about this family.

Actually, that isn't true ... I am being heard, every word.

Alright, let's take everybody elses position for the sake of being fair and say ... she needs time to sort this out.


This (thread) started on 9/28, which was like 10 days ago .. seven pages later, people coming in here to show her compassion, what does she say?


When times are tough leave ... a broken marriage can't be fixed ...


This is where your compassion led her ... while completely ignoring the other two people in this scenerio .. fend for herself .. screw everything else .. your soft compassionate words has led her further away from the truth.

The truth being ... this can be resolved by actually "hearing" how the other person feels.

* When times are tough leave ... a broken marriage can't be fixed ...

Because she is sorrowfilled.

Things cannot be heard when things are at an emotional peak. In the heat of things, nothing gets resolved. Everyone needs to retreat to their corner, lick their wounds, think about it, regroup, and come together with a clear open heart. Forcing things right now, is not the time. They both need to break away and regroup.

Nothing gets resolved during an argument. It gets resolved after when people have had a chance to reflect and grow.

"Nothing gets resolved during an argument. It gets resolved after when people have had a chance to reflect and grow."


Without question ... which is the reason for my words here.

It has been said, numerous times by CapyWife in this forum (not this thread) ... that when these two people attempt to communicate .. this is what happens:

He needs to voice, she doesn't like his tone .. she leaves/ignores
Later, after he's calmed down .. she shoots loves praises to him

Think about that .... she never really heard him, just closed her mind to how he feels about their life, thier problems, their relationship, and then after his emotional spike was over ... she sends love praises to him, and what do you think that is telling him?

It's telling him that it doesn't matter about this "unacceptable tone" that she is so adamant about putting her focus on, does it? Because afterwards .. his ego gets stroked, he gets adored. Who knows, maybe he was going off just to get that attention afterwards.

How superficial ...... that is NOT proper communication .. fuck tones, they mean nothing .. they aren't what the words mean.


Ok, so these two retreat to their corners to re-group .. how can one grow? What are they going to reflect on, exactly?

You're missing my point, though you claim to get it.

If they don't know how each other REALLY feels, then what path is this growth going to take?

Hypothetical Reflection: "He always yelled at me and I won't accept that. Why didn't he love me?" Answer: You would know if you listened, instead of leaving. "I texted him all the time to tell him I loved him, didn't he hear me?" Answer: No, because you two weren't communicating with each other, rather, just reacting from emotional spikes.

Apparantly, I'm the only person who can see that sitting in the corner to reflect means nothing as far as growth if you are BLIND.

Ignorance breeds ignorance .... there is NO growth.

So, instead of facing the truth .. instead of putting forth any kind of effort, or desire to heal this family .. she will find growth listening to people tell her such things as ..


You don't need him

You can do better

Screw him

He doesn't deserve you

You'll be fine without him


Can't you all see .... you are fucking leading this confused woman in the wrong direction with this so-called compassion because it's superficial to just HER feelings only and NOT considering the other two people involved in this scenerio.

"I thought that we both did want to fix it...that's what he said, but he lied, his intentions were not to stay to fix it...although that's what he said."

He didn't lie, anymore than you lied to yourself ... for in your eyes, this "fixing" meant to go back to the way it was in the beginning, and I'm sure when he said he wanted to "fix it" he meant going back to the way it was at the beginning.

That is living with an "idea" of what you two want your relationship to be, rather than how it actually is. The reason why you two couldn't fix it is because you don't hear how each other feels. If you actually heard how each other feels .. you would comprehend that the way it "was" didn't work, it caused grief, it brought you here.

Because this false working on the relationship didn't pan out, doesn't mean he lied ... it means it didn't work. And to say he lied, is in essence, saying it was his fault it didn't work.

"If he had told me he didn't want to fix it I would have left...just like he told me now and I'm not going back."

He did want it fixed, CapyWife, that's why he stayed with you. Why is it that you believe the answer to your problems are to just leave? That's being a coward .. I'm not sure what it is you are afraid of, but, there is definitely something ... a mature and responsible adult does NOT just take the position of leaving every time times get tough.

Just like now ... he's willing to work on it, and that is because he loves you. You are focusing on what he said in anger .. like I said, you two just REACT .. just react ... won't you stop to listen to what is actually felt?

To you .. he lied .. and this is your scapegoat .. your excuse to keep hiding from the truth. The truth being .. you two don't understand each other, you don't know where each other is coming from and the reason WHY you two don't know is because you aren't listening ..

You're just reacting ... and not hearing

"Both parties have to want it to work though and now I'm aware that wasn't his intent although it was mine."

You aren't aware at all of the truth ... you are only aware of what work YOU put into it, how YOU feel, what YOU think.

If his intent was to toss you aside ... he would do so. We all have problems, and as adults, we face them.

"because looking back on the past will not change what's occurring now"

::: sighs :::

It's easier to just give up, rather than face it

CapyWife

Hey girl, I left you a message in your inbox. I included some tips on what to do if you want to save your marriage.

Hope it helps. ~~CapricornMermaid

I was saying that:


I know that the techniques work, because I had a boyfriend... and when I would break up with him, he would do similar tactics in our relationship. I only moved on after 10 years, because over time we didn't have much in common anymore.

But get the book... it will help you understand men and what is really going on in his mind.

Sigh... P-Angel strikes again. lol Did you not read her post P-Angel?? She said that she did in fact put for the effort. She tried to save her marriage, but the man started calling her names and being disrespectful!!!

P-Angel quote "So, instead of facing the truth .. instead of putting forth any kind of effort, or desire to heal this family .. she will find growth listening to people tell her such things as ..


You don't need him

You can do better

Screw him

He doesn't deserve you

You'll be fine without him" End quote


No one deserves to be called an idiot. So the readers on the board, are responding to CapyWife being refered to as a "stupid idiot" by her distant husband. When one thinks in terms of self-love... why should she tolerate such disrespect in the name of marriage? You and I both know that marriage is just that... a word.

Without being a member of her household, one might assume that he is on the verge of violence or verbal abuse. So they are responding logically, while you are asking them to look into the heart of the matter or situation.

people call people names, people say things out of frustration, i'm sure she has at some point said some horrible things to him...forgive and love, let it go because at the end of the day thats all their is.

Capywife has children with this man, their is no moving on okay, he will forever be a part of her life. He said he didn't love her well i'm sure she can think of some times were she wasn't fully feeling him either and didn't verbally say it. He loves her, he's frustrated with her behavior, I have read her previous post and she has pushed this man to rage okay. He's not innocent but she isn't either.

I don't agree with everything P-Angel says but she makes valid points, logic never has emotions behind it and thus it comes off as insensitive.

He told her his truth at that time and moment, he loves her but he's not loving something about her, why is everyone taking his words so literally, yeah it was an asshole move but he obviously is in pain and frustrated with his situation with her, he didn't feel like he loved her at that moment at that time, doesn't mean he meant it in terms of the whole relationship

we all have been in situations were we felt something, said it and regretted saying it. He wanted her to feel the way he felt so yeah he hit below the belt but he's human, is he not allowed to say what he feels and why is it when men do voice their feelings and it happens to be what we deem as insensitive women get offended, now we know why men hold their feelings in and don't say a word...

he said how he felt and i'm sure she has said some hurtful things also maybe not with words so much but with actions, if I was a man and walked in on my WIFE kissing another woman and our friends were their to witness it, I would feel humiliated, turned off and would question the state of my marriage, I don't care if it was discussed before hand, thats BS okay, and to me thats cheating! His anger reflects he felt the same way. No man is going to accept that behavior and I don't care if was with a woman, thats unacceptable.

If were going to harp on what he said well lets not forget what she did and the things she has been doing in the relationship that isn't picture perfect.

So he's wrong now, he's wrong for finding someone else, yeah okay...she's not innocent okay, she did some foul things too, if both people take responsibility for their part then things can be resolved and if both people stop doing insensitive things to one another and take accountability for the relationship then things can be salvaged, theirs no reason for her to part ways outside of her feelings being hurt and her pride being bruised, well we can say the same for hiim too, a man doesn't say something like that unless he's extremely mean or deeply hurt himself or both.

I'm not taking sides, it takes 2 to tango.

Oh please he loves her, he had kids by the woman, he loves her more than she can imagine, he was hurt, he said something hurtful...this is human life were dealing with, if he didn't love her he wouldn't have gave her his last name and had kids by her, he's frustrated, angry, desperate and delusioned over a lot of the bad behavior that goes on in this relationship, this woman is beautiful, desirable, fine as a dime after 3 kids okay and that kissing another woman BS would have made me if I was a man wanna check her real quick, she's lucky he didn't leave right then, it was over but it was really over for him after seeing that mess, their is more to this story than whats being said that led up to him feeling this way and if a woman can drive a man into a rage of jealousy, he's bound to say something hurtful to counteract his hurt.

he projected his unspoken rage onto her, don't think for one minute he had forgot that episode or any other episode that led him into a hot jealous rage...men don't say things like that out of the blue, this man must have felt devastated and frustrated...if I walked into a room and my wife was slopping down some chick I would have flipped the f8ck out, she's lucky he isn't violent or he would have beat the hell out of her right their...instead he said the one thing that would cut to the core of any human being...I don't love you anymore

If he meant it, trust me he would not come back, he would have ditched her and them kids a long time ago...said it or not she know he loves her, deep down past the hurt, words and anger she knows the truth...the truth is, he loves his family and I don't care what nobody says, that man loves that woman.

Somebody has to see both sides, I know she's hurt and who knows what awful things he's done to her but to say hey leave him thats not cool...she has a family to care for.

"I think all of her posts have demonstrated a basic lack of compatibility between the two of them."

AquaJ, this is the whole thing in a nut shell... Incompatible. I agree! No one really at fault it was just or inability to be together harmoniously.