I just don't get

Libra and I broke up 12/31/15 after 5 years. He begged me to come back and we did have an off and on since and always remained in contact. He has major issues right now and I think he is in the midst of a complete mental breakdown but he shut down and won't let me in to help.

Since June 1 we are down to a couple calls and emails per week. 5 days ago, after not answering my calls for days, I received really nice flowers from him. In the card he declared his love and apologized. I called to thank him but no response so I left a voice mail. A few hours later I sent a text and the next day an email. They were all nice. I was just thanking him. I never heard back. I waited a day and tried to call again only to find that he changed his number. I sent an email asking what was going on. I never heard anything and I haven't contacted him since. I don't get it. I just don't get it......

Why are you doing this— Jesus Christ, do you realize how desperate and played you come across?

He sent you flowers and you fall all over yourself to get in touch with him 729858239 times/ways in a few days.

He's playing you and you're just going with it. You poor thing. Stop it.

I mean really, you guys split, yet you let him waltz in and out of your life at his convenience, and you still think you have to mother/baby him because big bad adulthood is getting to him.

He is not your responsibility and you are ALLOWING him to treat you like this. How piss poor is your self esteem that you're clinging to this mental case? Come on dude, wtf.

Well why would he send flowers and declare his love and then dissappear? Seems like odd behavior...

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Why are you doing this— Jesus Christ, do you realize how desperate and played you come across?

He sent you flowers and you fall all over yourself to get in touch with him 729858239 times/ways in a few days.

He's playing you and you're just going with it. You poor thing. Stop it.

I mean really, you guys split, yet you let him waltz in and out of your life at his convenience, and you still think you have to mother/baby him because big bad adulthood is getting to him.

He is not your responsibility and you are ALLOWING him to treat you like this. How piss poor is your self esteem that you're clinging to this mental case? Come on dude, wtf.

I tried 3 times but yes, I do know how pathetic that is. I am disgusted by myself because I am usually the type that would just walk away. For some reason, this guy is different.

He did this once before, in 2012. He disappeared and changed his number for no reason. A few months later he called like nothing. He didn't even consider is broken up! I'm not excusing his behavior but I am trying to understand. In 2012 he was depressed and shut out all family and friends. When he finally came around he still wasn't 100% better but we got it back. We were really good for another 3 years until his life started spiraling. He is terrible under pressure and just crumbled.

Posted by Deedee86

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Why are you doing this— Jesus Christ, do you realize how desperate and played you come across?

He sent you flowers and you fall all over yourself to get in touch with him 729858239 times/ways in a few days.

He's playing you and you're just going with it. You poor thing. Stop it.

I mean really, you guys split, yet you let him waltz in and out of your life at his convenience, and you still think you have to mother/baby him because big bad adulthood is getting to him.

He is not your responsibility and you are ALLOWING him to treat you like this. How piss poor is your self esteem that you're clinging to this mental case? Come on dude, wtf.

I tried 3 times but yes, I do know how pathetic that is. I am disgusted by myself because I am usually the type that would just walk away. For some reason, this guy is different.

He did this once before, in 2012. He disappeared and changed his number for no reason. A few months later he called like nothing. He didn't even consider is broken up! I'm not excusing his behavior but I am trying to understand. In 2012 he was depressed and shut out all family and friends. When he finally came around he still wasn't 100% better but we got it back. We were really good for another 3 years until his life started spiraling. He is terrible under pressure and just crumbled.

click to expand

You need to fix your "no more fucks to give" meter.

You've also basically given him the green light to treat you like shit. He pulled that bs in 2012 and then you took him back anyway? Screams, "I have no self respect and am desperate for your dick." I don't care if he's depressed. He needs to learn that his shitty reactions have ramifications. He'd be more inclined to keep that shit in check, not just let it affect his entire life like that and waltz back in at his convenience. That's just selfish fuck behavior, dude. Depression is rough, but it is NOT a get out of jail free card to behave like that.

You need to learn how to be single/without him again because you grew way too dependent on this relationship and don't seem to know how to live without it in your life anymore. How someone treats you when shit is bad speaks volumes about who they are. This guy is showing you who he is. He is not relationship material since he has no regard for your own emotional wellbeing.

Look out for yourself because he's not.

Dang Rocky

@Rocky, your delivery is a bit harsh but you are absolutely right. I know better but just can't seem to get over this one. The changing his number and not contacting me was a pussy move. I wasn't chasing him. Thats what hurts the most. He just disappeared like nothing. This was 5 years. I thought I was more to him than that.

This is why I'm torn.

I don't know if he is mentally ill or just a jerk!

Should I be by his side helping him get better or should I just forget he exists?

Posted by Deedee86
@Rocky, your delivery is a bit harsh but you are absolutely right. I know better but just can't seem to get over this one. The changing his number and not contacting me was a pussy move. I wasn't chasing him. Thats what hurts the most. He just disappeared like nothing. This was 5 years. I thought I was more to him than that.

Yeah it fucking sucks and tells you how selfish he is. You have this person who wanted a relationship with you and now this shit? Bye bitch.

His behavior should be speaking volumes to you and helping you move toward "fuck this, I'm out." It doesn't happen over night, but seriously, keep reminding yourself- THIS is what little regard he has for your emotions, time, etc. Less excuses for shitty behavior and more looking out for YOU since you've neglected to do so by prioritizing his selfishness in your life.

Posted by Deedee86
Should I be by his side helping him get better or should I just forget he exists?

What the fuck?

Relationships aren't therapy, honey. They are NEVER therapy and you are NOT his caretaker. That's not what a relationship entails. He is a grown up and needs to be treated as such, not coddled because ohnoes he has a mental illness!

Fuck. That. If he were a responsible adult, he'd handle that shit by doing what needs to be done to control it, which he isn't. That's on him to handle, not you. Just because you fucked him doesn't make you stand in mommy to help nurse him back to sanity. That is a job for professionals, not a girlfriend.

Wipe out the "fixer" mentality because it will do nothing but drown you in a world of hurt.

He is the one not existing at the moment. He quit his job, stopped speaking to all of his friends and barely leaves the house.

I am heartbroken but I still get up every day and work, vacation, see my friends. I look and act happy but am really broken on the inside. I had a flirtation going with another man and he was great but it never went further. I just couldn't do it. I can't imagine myself even kissing another man.

He lives about 15 miles from me but I will not show up at his door. I haven't emailed him since I realized that he changed his number. Calling is obviously out of the question. So no contact it is. He doesn't do social media at all.

I have no choice but to move on.

Can't believe you can't get it... He needs assistance from a mental health provider. This has nothing to do with you or desire for a romantic relationship.

If you can, love and care for him as a person and not romantically. Be a concerned friend. But, don't fool yourself.

Think, the way he is....

He cannot be a stable partner

He cannot be a provider

He cannot be a good father

He cannot be a giver

Most importantly you are not a mental health provider. And, even if you were, you cannot treat or assist lovers. He may need medication.

Posted by VenusAquarius
Can't believe you can't get it... He needs assistance from a mental health provider. This has nothing to do with you or desire for a romantic relationship.

If you can, love and care for him as a person and not romantically. Be a concerned friend. But, don't fool yourself.

Think, the way he is....

He cannot be a stable partner

He cannot be a provider

He cannot be a good father

He cannot be a giver

Most importantly you are not a mental health provider. And, even if you were, you cannot treat or assist lovers. He may need medication.

He did get on meds back in June and seemed to have gotten worse. They prescribed him Zoloft and about a week later is when he started insisting that someone is after him. When I asked who, he said that he didn't know because he only heard them scream at night. I was very concerned and begged him to call the dr back. I don't know what happened because he shut me out completely.

Posted by Deedee86

Posted by VenusAquarius
Can't believe you can't get it... He needs assistance from a mental health provider. This has nothing to do with you or desire for a romantic relationship.

If you can, love and care for him as a person and not romantically. Be a concerned friend. But, don't fool yourself.

Think, the way he is....

He cannot be a stable partner

He cannot be a provider

He cannot be a good father

He cannot be a giver

Most importantly you are not a mental health provider. And, even if you were, you cannot treat or assist lovers. He may need medication.

He did get on meds back in June and seemed to have gotten worse. They prescribed him Zoloft and about a week later is when he started insisting that someone is after him. When I asked who, he said that he didn't know because he only heard them scream at night. I was very concerned and begged him to call the dr back. I don't know what happened because he shut me out completely.

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He really needs some medical attention. Contact his family. Medication is a trial and error and he needed to keep up appoints with his doctor so that he/she can monitor the effects.

Pray for him.

If you become more concerned, I think you can call a mobile crisis of some kind.

Posted by Deedee86
He is the one not existing at the moment. He quit his job, stopped speaking to all of his friends and barely leaves the house.

I am heartbroken but I still get up every day and work, vacation, see my friends. I look and act happy but am really broken on the inside. I had a flirtation going with another man and he was great but it never went further. I just couldn't do it. I can't imagine myself even kissing another man.

He lives about 15 miles from me but I will not show up at his door. I haven't emailed him since I realized that he changed his number. Calling is obviously out of the question. So no contact it is. He doesn't do social media at all.

I have no choice but to move on.

you should have moved on around the new year, when you posted about him.... just remember how he behaved on your last birthday...... i am not sure if I remember this correctly, does he live with his exwife?

what about the Sag you mentioned in january?

Posted by Deedee86
He is the one not existing at the moment. He quit his job, stopped speaking to all of his friends and barely leaves the house.

This isn't your problem.

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Deedee86
He is the one not existing at the moment. He quit his job, stopped speaking to all of his friends and barely leaves the house.

I am heartbroken but I still get up every day and work, vacation, see my friends. I look and act happy but am really broken on the inside. I had a flirtation going with another man and he was great but it never went further. I just couldn't do it. I can't imagine myself even kissing another man.

He lives about 15 miles from me but I will not show up at his door. I haven't emailed him since I realized that he changed his number. Calling is obviously out of the question. So no contact it is. He doesn't do social media at all.

I have no choice but to move on.

you should have moved on around the new year, when you posted about him.... just remember how he behaved on your last birthday...... i am not sure if I remember this correctly, does he live with his exwife?

what about the Sag you mentioned in january?

click to expand

Oh Jesus.

Done with this lost cause. Fucking hell, some of the women around here are such a waste of time when it comes to giving advice.

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Deedee86
He is the one not existing at the moment. He quit his job, stopped speaking to all of his friends and barely leaves the house.

I am heartbroken but I still get up every day and work, vacation, see my friends. I look and act happy but am really broken on the inside. I had a flirtation going with another man and he was great but it never went further. I just couldn't do it. I can't imagine myself even kissing another man.

He lives about 15 miles from me but I will not show up at his door. I haven't emailed him since I realized that he changed his number. Calling is obviously out of the question. So no contact it is. He doesn't do social media at all.

I have no choice but to move on.

you should have moved on around the new year, when you posted about him.... just remember how he behaved on your last birthday...... i am not sure if I remember this correctly, does he live with his exwife?

what about the Sag you mentioned in january?

click to expand

He's living with the mother of his daughter but not "with" her. I'm not concerned about her in that way because I'm 100% positive they are not intimate. They have separate rooms and are hostile to each other. I believe her motivation for forcing him to be there is financial. She doesn't work and has zero prospects. I truly believe that he is tolerating a lot because he wants what is best for his daughter.

She's a huge reason for his mental break though because she is basically blackmailing him by using their daughter as a pawn and with another incident.

The Sag was a great guy but I just couldn't take it any further than a flirtation. I wasn't ready and in still not.

I'm even embarrassed writing this. I see how pathetic it is. I don't want him back. I am just trying to get over him. We were so good for so long. It just all went to hell.

No but she has always been a thorn in his side. To be fair, so has my ex husband. The only thing that I am sure of is him not having feelings for her. There is no sexual or emotional relationship between the two of them. She blackmails him by telling him that he will never see his daughter again. She tells the girl that her father doesn't love her because he won't live with them. She tells the girl that her father will make them be homeless. When he leaves she has the girl call him and beg him to come back. He does love his daughter and is trying to keep her healthy and stable. The girl is 11 and an emotional wreck and very clingy to him and she was very clingy to me as well. I haven't seen her in months and feel bad. I don't want her to think that I abandoned her.

The ex is also blackmailing him on a couple other issues. Years ago he ran up a credit card in her name and now she is threatening to have him arrested. I told him it would never fly because it was stuff for her and past the limitations but he is still scared. Also, he slapped her in the fall and she threatens to press charges for that as well. I can't imagine him getting angry enough to hit anyone but I can't blame him. She just pushes and pushes.

Ok...I see how ridiculous all of this is. He really doesn't sound like a catch. Depressed, unemployed, living with an ex, baggage.....but he really is a great guy and I really was madly in love with him. We were really good for a long time and I thought nothing would tear us apart. I would hold his hand and walk through hell with him.

BUT

How much abuse am I supposed to take? I am just trying to move on now.

Posted by Deedee86
Ok...I see how ridiculous all of this is. He really doesn't sound like a catch. Depressed, unemployed, living with an ex, baggage.....but he really is a great guy and I really was madly in love with him. We were really good for a long time and I thought nothing would tear us apart. I would hold his hand and walk through hell with him.

BUT

How much abuse am I supposed to take? I am just trying to move on now.

The abuse is all in your head. He is a troubled man. You can add to the list... he has poor judgement and full of cowardous.

As for you, you may have a victim-savior complex. You think your involvement with him is abuse, you think he is a victim, you think you are a victim. Walk through hell? He will not walk through hell for you.

Posted by Deedee86

he started insisting that someone is after him. When I asked who, he said that he didn't know because he only heard them scream at night.

I don't know what happened because he shut me out completely.

What happened is that he wants to shut you out completely, just as you stated.

But, I see you're going to cling to the bottom of his shoe, eagerly waiting to be stepped on again and again.

I don't pity this kind of stupidity. And that's what you're looking for is pity.



there's no other reason for you to post this shit ... unless of course, you're just really this stupid and don't know any better .. in which case, you are the one who needs the doctor and meds.

He's not the problem ... you are.



You are the one who tells yourself to believe, and accept the bullshit.

You come in here and attempt to paint us a picture in where he's some loser, treating you like shit, and look at how bad he is for doing this to you.

when in reality ..... you're believing every word he tells you, and defending his honor.

So, that means the only fuck up here with your situation is you ... because you are the only person who has authority to tell yourself what to do.

and you choose to accept him and give him credit ... you have chosen to believe he is innocent, you have chosen to believe every fucking word that comes out of his mouth about his relationship with the ex that he lives with ...



so, that means you are the common denominator here ... YOU are the one who has fucked yourself up

You sit here and feign stupidity, in saying you don't get it.



When in reality, you get it perfectly clear .. but, you'd rather spend your love being embittered. And since you refuse to accept responsibility for your own actions, you come here to blame him for you being so low that you lay on the ground for him to walk on.

and what's up with the stupid bitch who comes in here to state unequivocally that he has mental issues, based on your jaded ass, who has proven in here by your testimony that you lack sound judgment.

He throws you crumb and break your fucking neck, you can't get to him fast enough to show him how little value you hold for yourself.

You can't wait to prove to him that you are deserving of being disrespected.

Posted by Deedee86

How much abuse am I supposed to take?

You're not being abused by him.

You're not a victim .. a victim is a person who doesn't have control of their circumstances.

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by Deedee86
Ok...I see how ridiculous all of this is. He really doesn't sound like a catch. Depressed, unemployed, living with an ex, baggage.....but he really is a great guy and I really was madly in love with him. We were really good for a long time and I thought nothing would tear us apart. I would hold his hand and walk through hell with him.

BUT

How much abuse am I supposed to take? I am just trying to move on now.

The abuse is all in your head. He is a troubled man. You can add to the list... he has poor judgement and full of cowardous.

As for you, you may have a victim-savior complex. You think your involvement with him is abuse, you think he is a victim, you think you are a victim. Walk through hell? He will not walk through hell for you.

click to expand

You're right. He wouldn't walk 5 miles for me. That has been proven.

Posted by Deedee86

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by Deedee86
Ok...I see how ridiculous all of this is. He really doesn't sound like a catch. Depressed, unemployed, living with an ex, baggage.....but he really is a great guy and I really was madly in love with him. We were really good for a long time and I thought nothing would tear us apart. I would hold his hand and walk through hell with him.

BUT

How much abuse am I supposed to take? I am just trying to move on now.

The abuse is all in your head. He is a troubled man. You can add to the list... he has poor judgement and full of cowardous.

As for you, you may have a victim-savior complex. You think your involvement with him is abuse, you think he is a victim, you think you are a victim. Walk through hell? He will not walk through hell for you.

You're right. He wouldn't walk 5 miles for me. That has been proven.

click to expand

But, you're still here conveying to us how much you beg for more crumbs ... so to know that doesn't accomplish anything or make you look smart, since you're sniveling about it, rather than acting in your own best interest.

And that is what has been proven to us of your actions, according to the picture you've painted where you are dependent upon him for approval.

The title says that you don't get it ....



You tell a story in where you are stagnant because you can't seem to grow past that what he's doing/saying isn't matching up with your expectation of him.



When the only thing you really ever needed to get was that you are the director of your life .. so whatever happens is your fault/accomplishment.



The only thing you need to get, you fly over it to wallow in your self pity .. and you think you're clever, you think you're being taken advantage of, you have all kinds of false beliefs about how you're a victim.



when in reality ..... it's only ever been you to telling yourself to chose being beaten, because the wrong way is the easy way. It's hard to rise above, people don't want what's right, they want what's easiest.

And it's easier for you to pretend that you don't understand, because if you admitted that you ARE smart enough to know what is best for you ... then you might have to put in effort.



And heaven forbid that you do what is right for you.

I am still living my life. I haven't tried to contact him in any way but he's still in my soul, if that makes any sense.

I have had breakups before but nobody has every lingered in my mind for this long. Even when he disappeared a few years ago I never let go, and he was gone for months.

It's never over

And I wish it were