Need help

I have 3 daughters of which I feel I bought up mostly on my own. They have put me through most everything you can think of and I've struggled to deal with it and seen them through. The 2 oldest are now working and the 3 is still in school turning 14 this year. My problem is that she has been playing up at school for the last 2 years, not listening to teachers and being sent from class for disruption, she was suspended last term for swearing at the teacher and no matter what I say and how I punish her she will be good for a period and then revert back to what she wants to do. She doesn't take to authority if she doesn't like that person! I have 80 percent control over her in my home but when she leaves it, it's a different story...problem is, I'm tired of handling it all on my own with no respect as it is geting harder to keep her under control.

My ex maintains of course that he has been a big player in their lives however I beg to differ. He currently lives 30 mins away and very rarely comes down here to attend anything like parent interviews etc (didnt come to the meeting with the principle to return her to school after the suspention, and he doesn't work) or doesn't know much about what's up with her apart from what I tell him and when it comes to them acting up I always inform him to which he may ring them and have a quick talk! GREAT when there has been some BIG events that I alone dealt with. He has the younger one every weekend and has done since mid last year because I insisted. The oldest now lives with him because of religious reasons. And the middle one doesn't really have much to do with him unless she needs money which she knows she can always get from him. Oh I've spoken with him about buying their affection and no matter how I put it he just thinks it's an attack from me to his way of fathering so I've given up on it and leave it be. (I left him and I guess somethings are now out of bounds)

What I'm thinking of doing is sending her to live with him permanently and taking on his role...

1. Because I'm tired and I'm being selfish too. I've been telling her for the last year that if she isn't going to put more effort into school and her attitude towards me then I will send her there. She doesn't want to go. He is religious as I said and has a better life style than I do. I have lots of friends (mates) and party most weekends.

Scales are out of whack...your views are appreciated. SH

I agree. You should send her with him atleast for some time - maybe over a break from school.
(Doesn't have to be permenant, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to let her think it will be.)

I was a very obstinate child. I tested my mother EVERY chance I got. I think she would have killed me had it not been for my father (and grandparents.)
For some reason, I just didn't take her seriously. Maybe because we were always close? (and alot alike.)
But if my father said something, that was like the final word, and I didn't dare not listen to him.
My parents are still together, but he still wasn't that involved with us. (He's a detached Aquarius.) He was the provider/ but he basically left the parenting to my mother unless we got completely out of control and he *had* to step in before my mother snapped. I think since he didn't have much to do with us very often - when he did, we knew he was serious and we shouldn't test him. (We knew my mother's limits, but not his.)

I think the situation is similar with your daughter. He might have a stronger impact on her parenting wise.
If for no other reason except she's unsure how far she can push him. She might not feel as comfortable testing the waters with him.

Plus, if nothing else, if she's miserable there she'll appreciate her life with you.
& will be more hesitant to do anything that could get her sent back there.

Thanks guys, this is a heart wrenching decision for me but think I've done most of what i can do and also feel he needs to contribute something other than a weekend and a little money. He has been in their lives like your dad Briana but not too involved. (More so now that we split 3 and a half years ago) The girls at least the 2 younger ones dont have a lot of respect or take much discipline from him and I have always been the disciplinary parent... they do know when I mean business but sometimes wait til I lose my cool before something is done and that's what has tired me out more than anything!

I dont think he has a stronger impact but think he has a better life style with the religion and think that maybe he has better guidelines now than I do.

Just a break wont do as I he has had her over holidays and also travelled back to NZ for 6 weeks with her in the Xmas holidays. I'm thinking for the rest of the year at least as she has to change schools and will only be with me every 2nd weekend as I work all weekend and holidays. It's a toughy but think it is for her best too.

Thanks again Lana & Briana, just a little outside feedback certainly helps me weighing up my decision and definietly from the both of you as I respect your opinions🙂 SH