What does it mean when a man says "I want you in my life?"

This question is mainly for MEN to answer but I would like you ladies to answer too, especially if you've had a man say this to you and what the outcome is/was...x

What does it mean when you say "I want you" to a guy and he responds with...

"lol"

Context?

Was he softening the break up blow.

Did he just tell you he's not gonna leave his wife but still wants you to be the mistress?

Is he on his knees begging you not to leave cause you found out he's been fucking your aunt? JERRY JERRY JERRY

Like this could literally mean anything.

Deep sigh!

Ok in the context of the fact that I fell in love with someone 5yrs ago and we both had so much in the way in our lives that we couldn't be together.

However despite having so much he kept trying to be with me, I felt rushed. He got insecure because we weren't together.

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

We spent the whole of last summer together. Until December when we had an argument and he disappeared because he was hurt.

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

And we've had some very heartfelt texts between us too.

So what does my original post mean then?

Posted by LadyNeptune

Context?

Was he softening the break up blow.

Did he just tell you he's not gonna leave his wife but still wants you to be the mistress?

Is he on his knees begging you not to leave cause you found out he's been fucking your aunt? JERRY JERRY JERRY

Like this could literally mean anything.

Hope my answer below, give a you the context you asked for x

Posted by pooface222

Deep sigh!

Ok in the context of the fact that I fell in love with someone 5yrs ago and we both had so much in the way in our lives that we couldn't be together.

However despite having so much he kept trying to be with me, I felt rushed. He got insecure because we weren't together.

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

We spent the whole of last summer together. Until December when we had an argument and he disappeared because he was hurt.

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

And we've had some very heartfelt texts between us too.

So what does my original post mean then?

I am going to guess by the wording this is a long distance relationship? If so, he wants to be with you. However wanting and making it happen are two different things.

So what are either of you doing to actually be with each other, aside from texting about it? Perhaps that should be your next conversation.

Posted by pooface222

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

Why did you ask him this question if you told him you couldn't be with him for a few years?

Why couldn't you be with him? Why did you need to know what he wanted, if you clearly told him it couldn't be?

If I asked that, you would be considered in my top rotation.

We usually don't say anything like "in" or "my life"

its very vague.. that could mean anything, good news is that he wants you in his life

Posted by pooface222

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

I like how you question the 'I want you in my life' and not the above bit.

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by pooface222

Deep sigh!

Ok in the context of the fact that I fell in love with someone 5yrs ago and we both had so much in the way in our lives that we couldn't be together.

However despite having so much he kept trying to be with me, I felt rushed. He got insecure because we weren't together.

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

We spent the whole of last summer together. Until December when we had an argument and he disappeared because he was hurt.

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

And we've had some very heartfelt texts between us too.

So what does my original post mean then?

I am going to guess by the wording this is a long distance relationship? If so, he wants to be with you. However wanting and making it happen are two different things.

So what are either of you doing to actually be with each other, aside from texting about it? Perhaps that should be your next conversation.

click to expand

Hi..thanks for your reply.

It's not long distance because he lives about 10mins drive from me. I'm getting divorced from an unhappy marriage. And he's in an unhappy relationship and stuck in a rut trying to leave.

I told him last night we need to meet up and talk so he agreed to meet up next week and hopefully this weekend.

He's a complex guy but I find him intriguing.

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by pooface222

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

Why did you ask him this question if you told him you couldn't be with him for a few years?

Why couldn't you be with him? Why did you need to know what he wanted, if you clearly told him it couldn't be?

click to expand

It wasn't as simple as that sadly. I didn't tell him it couldn't be back then.

It's really complicated so I'll keep it simple. I was married - but now divorced. I was in an unhappy marriage. He was and still is in an unhappy relationship. Stuck in a rut.

When we met 5yrs ago he was separated from his wife but in another relationship. And was paying the mortgage in the family home where his wife and son lived. And I was unhappy in my marriage.

So we went for coffee and lunch in the daytime and talked back then.

However because we were both unhappy but made each other happy we saw each other privately.

We should have called things off really, until we were both sorted in our own personal lives, but because we loved spending time together, we continued.

I'm not going into detail because it will take too long. I thought that we would continue seeing each other while we sort out our personal lives THEN leave our partners to be together.

But he rushed things. Got disheartened and left. And came back. And left and came back.

I SHOULD have said Lets sort out our OWN lives First. But being with him helped me cope day to day with my controlling husband.

It all got complicated.

Anyway..We still love each other so it could be time to be together...

Posted by Dreamyboy

Posted by pooface222

Deep sigh!

Ok in the context of the fact that I fell in love with someone 5yrs ago and we both had so much in the way in our lives that we couldn't be together.

However despite having so much he kept trying to be with me, I felt rushed. He got insecure because we weren't together.

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

We spent the whole of last summer together. Until December when we had an argument and he disappeared because he was hurt.

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

And we've had some very heartfelt texts between us too.

So what does my original post mean then?

You must be really dense.

It means he’s fully invested in you. Are you just pulling him along to fuck with him?

click to expand

Hi..

No not at all.

Over the 5yrs he has disappeared so much back and forth that it made me not trust him.

I am in love with him and want to be with him.

Posted by tiziani

You make the relationship sound like a Whisper meme.

What is a Whisper meme?

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by pooface222

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

I like how you question the 'I want you in my life' and not the above bit.

click to expand

I know, I know x

That above bit is clear.

But I need to get together with him properly but he keeps hiding.

Posted by pooface222

Posted by PhoenixRising

I am going to guess by the wording this is a long distance relationship? If so, he wants to be with you. However wanting and making it happen are two different things.

So what are either of you doing to actually be with each other, aside from texting about it? Perhaps that should be your next conversation.

Hi..thanks for your reply.

It's not long distance because he lives about 10mins drive from me. I'm getting divorced from an unhappy marriage. And he's in an unhappy relationship and stuck in a rut trying to leave.

I told him last night we need to meet up and talk so he agreed to meet up next week and hopefully this weekend.

He's a complex guy but I find him intriguing.

click to expand

Okay, so is it you are questioning if he is really committed to taking this further? Trying doesn't mean much imo. You either do or don't.

Posted by pooface222

It wasn't as simple as that sadly. I didn't tell him it couldn't be back then.

It's really complicated so I'll keep it simple. I was married - but now divorced. I was in an unhappy marriage. He was and still is in an unhappy relationship. Stuck in a rut.

When we met 5yrs ago he was separated from his wife but in another relationship. And was paying the mortgage in the family home where his wife and son lived. And I was unhappy in my marriage.

So we went for coffee and lunch in the daytime and talked back then.

However because we were both unhappy but made each other happy we saw each other privately.

We should have called things off really, until we were both sorted in our own personal lives, but because we loved spending time together, we continued.

I'm not going into detail because it will take too long. I thought that we would continue seeing each other while we sort out our personal lives THEN leave our partners to be together.

But he rushed things. Got disheartened and left. And came back. And left and came back.

I SHOULD have said Lets sort out our OWN lives First. But being with him helped me cope day to day with my controlling husband.

It all got complicated.

Anyway..We still love each other so it could be time to be together...

Well, I think he needs to own the fact that he rushed things prior to settling his affairs. You will also need to take some ownership for getting into a relationship despite the fact that neither of you had your affairs sorted before proceeding. I point this out because it sounds like you also helped him cope and avoid the reality of his situation as well, leading to some of this confusion and double speak. I think that is the difficulty with beginning something prior to sorting out your "stuff" first. It allows you to delay and avoid what you need to do for yourself.

Is he in a place where he can hear and understand that now? (e.g. sort out your complications so we can truly move forward?) or do you feel he's get into a hissy fit again? With that, if I address your question again, his "I want you in my life" is a statement that sounds nice and probably is genuine, however it doesn't demonstrate any real commitment. If he does in fact what you in his life, then he needs to match that with action. What is he doing to actually move towards making that something long term and more meaningful oppose to a few moments together here and there? Having a conversation about your expectations moving forward will need to take place if you would like to stay in this man's life. That should clear up any confusion about what his statements mean.

Good luck.

Posted by Dreamyboy

Posted by pooface222

Posted by Dreamyboy

Posted by pooface222

Deep sigh!

Ok in the context of the fact that I fell in love with someone 5yrs ago and we both had so much in the way in our lives that we couldn't be together.

However despite having so much he kept trying to be with me, I felt rushed. He got insecure because we weren't together.

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

We spent the whole of last summer together. Until December when we had an argument and he disappeared because he was hurt.

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

And we've had some very heartfelt texts between us too.

So what does my original post mean then?

You must be really dense.

It means he’s fully invested in you. Are you just pulling him along to fuck with him?

Hi..

No not at all.

Over the 5yrs he has disappeared so much back and forth that it made me not trust him.

I am in love with him and want to be with him.

Are you two planning on tying the knot soon then? I took the context of your post wrong

click to expand

It's complicated. I'm divorced but he is still with his partner despite being divorced for 3yrs. He's unhappy with her but I think he needs me to help him leave her. He doesn't like being alone.

Something like that.

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by pooface222

It wasn't as simple as that sadly. I didn't tell him it couldn't be back then.

It's really complicated so I'll keep it simple. I was married - but now divorced. I was in an unhappy marriage. He was and still is in an unhappy relationship. Stuck in a rut.

When we met 5yrs ago he was separated from his wife but in another relationship. And was paying the mortgage in the family home where his wife and son lived. And I was unhappy in my marriage.

So we went for coffee and lunch in the daytime and talked back then.

However because we were both unhappy but made each other happy we saw each other privately.

We should have called things off really, until we were both sorted in our own personal lives, but because we loved spending time together, we continued.

I'm not going into detail because it will take too long. I thought that we would continue seeing each other while we sort out our personal lives THEN leave our partners to be together.

But he rushed things. Got disheartened and left. And came back. And left and came back.

I SHOULD have said Lets sort out our OWN lives First. But being with him helped me cope day to day with my controlling husband.

It all got complicated.

Anyway..We still love each other so it could be time to be together...

Well, I think he needs to own the fact that he rushed things prior to settling his affairs. You will also need to take some ownership for getting into a relationship despite the fact that neither of you had your affairs sorted before proceeding. I point this out because it sounds like you also helped him cope and avoid the reality of his situation as well, leading to some of this confusion and double speak. I think that is the difficulty with beginning something prior to sorting out your "stuff" first. It allows you to delay and avoid what you need to do for yourself.

Is he in a place where he can hear and understand that now? (e.g. sort out your complications so we can truly move forward?) or do you feel he's get into a hissy fit again? With that, if I address your question again, his "I want you in my life" is a statement that sounds nice and probably is genuine, however it doesn't demonstrate any real commitment. If he does in fact what you in his life, then he needs to match that with action. What is he doing to actually move towards making that something long term and more meaningful oppose to a few moments together here and there? Having a conversation about your expectations moving forward will need to take place if you would like to stay in this man's life. That should clear up any confusion about what his statements mean.

Good luck.

click to expand

.

Thanks so much, you've understood exactly what's been going on.

He got into a hissy fit on an email today.

The reason is I saw him last night by chance coming out of the gym and got talking to him about us meeting up properly to discuss us etc.

He said he'd like to which was nice.

I told him I sent him a nice email about his back and forth and how it effects us.

He read it today and got into a hissy fit saying "I continue to mot be worthy of your affection." WTF! I guess I make him feel like that or insecure.

Posted by pooface222

Thanks so much, you've understood exactly what's been going on.

He got into a hissy fit on an email today.

The reason is I saw him last night by chance coming out of the gym and got talking to him about us meeting up properly to discuss us etc.

He said he'd like to which was nice.

I told him I sent him a nice email about his back and forth and how it effects us.

He read it today and got into a hissy fit saying "I continue to mot be worthy of your affection." WTF! I guess I make him feel like that or insecure.

Perhaps an email wasn't the best way to discuss that. Especially if it came across as blaming. To say you let him know how his actions have affected "us" is to place all the blame on his shoulders regarding the dynamics of your relationship, and I am not sure how "nice" of a message that is to read/hear lol. It takes two hands to clap. You did say you were also sorting out your marriage, and while he may not have handled separating from his spouse and relationship as well as you did, I am going to go out on a limb and say there were things that you probably did to make him question your commitment to him as well.

All you can really speak to is the way his actions have impacted you (e.g. your trust, your faith in his commitment, etc) and your concerns now. Even with that you need to take some ownership in your feelings as well if you hope to move forward. Anyway, hopefully it can be smoothed over when you meet to talk. He sounds rather sensitive and/or quick to wear the victim badge. May be something to consider when you speak to him.

Posted by pooface222

This question is mainly for MEN to answer but I would like you ladies to answer too, especially if you've had a man say this to you and what the outcome is/was...x

It means there is no longer poo on your face. Congrats gurl

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by pooface222

It wasn't as simple as that sadly. I didn't tell him it couldn't be back then.

It's really complicated so I'll keep it simple. I was married - but now divorced. I was in an unhappy marriage. He was and still is in an unhappy relationship. Stuck in a rut.

When we met 5yrs ago he was separated from his wife but in another relationship. And was paying the mortgage in the family home where his wife and son lived. And I was unhappy in my marriage.

So we went for coffee and lunch in the daytime and talked back then.

However because we were both unhappy but made each other happy we saw each other privately.

We should have called things off really, until we were both sorted in our own personal lives, but because we loved spending time together, we continued.

I'm not going into detail because it will take too long. I thought that we would continue seeing each other while we sort out our personal lives THEN leave our partners to be together.

But he rushed things. Got disheartened and left. And came back. And left and came back.

I SHOULD have said Lets sort out our OWN lives First. But being with him helped me cope day to day with my controlling husband.

It all got complicated.

Anyway..We still love each other so it could be time to be together...

Well, I think he needs to own the fact that he rushed things prior to settling his affairs. You will also need to take some ownership for getting into a relationship despite the fact that neither of you had your affairs sorted before proceeding. I point this out because it sounds like you also helped him cope and avoid the reality of his situation as well, leading to some of this confusion and double speak. I think that is the difficulty with beginning something prior to sorting out your "stuff" first. It allows you to delay and avoid what you need to do for yourself.

Is he in a place where he can hear and understand that now? (e.g. sort out your complications so we can truly move forward?) or do you feel he's get into a hissy fit again? With that, if I address your question again, his "I want you in my life" is a statement that sounds nice and probably is genuine, however it doesn't demonstrate any real commitment. If he does in fact what you in his life, then he needs to match that with action. What is he doing to actually move towards making that something long term and more meaningful oppose to a few moments together here and there? Having a conversation about your expectations moving forward will need to take place if you would like to stay in this man's life. That should clear up any confusion about what his statements mean.

Good luck.

click to expand

Hi again..I love your responses as you have totally understood x So thank you for this.

I feel that we are in a place where we can be together. I saw him Thursday night and told him what he needs to do.

I think he understood. He seemed to.

The problem is although I am divorced now, he is still with his partner (they are not married), and because of the back/forth with him and the frustration it's caused me, therefore causing arguments from me to him, he's been really upset recently because I was unpleasant to him.

He didn't see me or speak to me for 4 months!! I've been in hell missing him!

I mean he's a really sensitive guy ...too sensitive though. Despite being 49 he runs off at the mere hint of anger from me. And I mean simply raising my voice at him.

However because I've kept things alive between us despite all the difficulties, I feel like I am doing all the work and he doing very little. I think I've made him lazy.

I sadly fell into this trap with my husband. I always took care of the emotional things in my marriage which sadly caused my husband to do nothing and make no effort.

So now I'm trying to do 2 things.

1) Do less to make him do more. E.g. to not try so hard.

2) Like you said in your post - to Have a frank open conversation with him once and for all to get it out in the open, what we're going to do.

Posted by pooface222

The problem is although I am divorced now, he is still with his partner (they are not married), and because of the back/forth with him and the frustration it's caused me, therefore causing arguments from me to him, he's been really upset recently because I was unpleasant to him.

He didn't see me or speak to me for 4 months!! I've been in hell missing him!

I mean he's a really sensitive guy ...too sensitive though. Despite being 49 he runs off at the mere hint of anger from me. And I mean simply raising my voice at him.

Right. So you need to own that response. No one makes us do anything. Whether that is lashing out, say harsh things or run away (unless we are being physically attacked of course lol). I am not suggesting his decision to run away is the most productive or helpful, but we have to recognize that people do what they know. If he has never really had to stick around and deal with unpleasant responses/reactions from someone he cares about, then he does not necessarily know how to do that. Yes, at 49 one would think he should be able to do this, but you would be surprise how much people avoid difficult emotions, some for most of their lives. New experiences force us to grow in different ways. I am sure there are a few emotional responses you need to learn how to master differently as well. Namely, your frustration.

It doesn't have to be that big of a deal. Simply acknowledge that your frustration leads you to be a bit more harsh than you usually would be with him and when you get to that point, take a step back to check it and try to have the conversation (whatever it may be) again. You will also need to address his ability to tolerate your displeasure with him as well so he is not running at the drop of a hat. This should not be addressed in a forceful way (e.g. "you need to"..."I want you to"), simply share your observations and your thoughts on how it negatively impacts you and the course of your relationship, then let it go so it can marinate. He has to make the choice to step up. I am one for personal freedom and choice. If a person is going to stand by your side or ride with you, that has to be their choice. All you can do is share your feelings on a matter and allow the person to step up or step to the side.

Posted by pooface222

However because I've kept things alive between us despite all the difficulties, I feel like I am doing all the work and he doing very little. I think I've made him lazy.

I sadly fell into this trap with my husband. I always took care of the emotional things in my marriage which sadly caused my husband to do nothing and make no effort.

So now I'm trying to do 2 things.

1) Do less to make him do more. E.g. to not try so hard.

2) Like you said in your post - to Have a frank open conversation with him once and for all to get it out in the open, what we're going to do.

See my reply above. We may have a difference of opinion about why you both have fallen into the pattern that you have now and how to best go about changing that. Personally, I do not believe you can make anyone do anything by doing anything more/less, but that is my personal opinion. If you are choosing do less, do so because you recognize it is the best thing for you in your goal to grow, not as a way to manipulate an outcome in someone else.

In some cases, yes I would say (general) you need to stop feeding into certain behaviours. I may be wrong, but the dance you two have seems to be reflective of your own personal patterns that are now playing out with each other. As you stated, you did a similar thing with your husband. Patterns do not change on a dime. We will always go to what we feel to be the most safe and comfortable thing to do. Can it change? Yes, I believe most behaviours can, however it rarely if ever happens suddenly. Just like this pattern was developed over time, a new pattern needs to develop over time. In other words, be patient. If you're not, I think you're just going to reinforce negative feelings and beliefs about each other.

PS, don't get too hung up on the word "manipulate". It often has a negative connotation. It's simply a word. Context make it negative or positive. In this case, I did not mean it in a negative way.

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by pooface222

Deep sigh!

Ok in the context of the fact that I fell in love with someone 5yrs ago and we both had so much in the way in our lives that we couldn't be together.

However despite having so much he kept trying to be with me, I felt rushed. He got insecure because we weren't together.

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

We spent the whole of last summer together. Until December when we had an argument and he disappeared because he was hurt.

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

And we've had some very heartfelt texts between us too.

So what does my original post mean then?

I am going to guess by the wording this is a long distance relationship? If so, he wants to be with you. However wanting and making it happen are two different things.

So what are either of you doing to actually be with each other, aside from texting about it? Perhaps that should be your next conversation.

click to expand

I’ve asked after such a statement...do you mean you want us to be a family?

He said you mean like getting married?

I said no. We’ve been married...see how well it ended.

He said I want to build a foundation to the future together...

So I was ok with that.

BUT ifnit happened after 5 years I would ask in which form? I think I’ve BEEN in your life for years...can you be more specific?

And watch him coming up with mature answer.

How DID you react? Kept pretending deaf?

Posted by pooface222

Posted by Dreamyboy

Posted by pooface222

Posted by Dreamyboy

Posted by pooface222

Deep sigh!

Ok in the context of the fact that I fell in love with someone 5yrs ago and we both had so much in the way in our lives that we couldn't be together.

However despite having so much he kept trying to be with me, I felt rushed. He got insecure because we weren't together.

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

We spent the whole of last summer together. Until December when we had an argument and he disappeared because he was hurt.

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

And we've had some very heartfelt texts between us too.

So what does my original post mean then?

You must be really dense.

It means he’s fully invested in you. Are you just pulling him along to fuck with him?

Hi..

No not at all.

Over the 5yrs he has disappeared so much back and forth that it made me not trust him.

I am in love with him and want to be with him.

Are you two planning on tying the knot soon then? I took the context of your post wrong

It's complicated. I'm divorced but he is still with his partner despite being divorced for 3yrs. He's unhappy with her but I think he needs me to help him leave her. He doesn't like being alone.

Something like that.

click to expand

He was telling you she is ‘just’ his partner and he isn’t attached to her by any promises and they just wasting time together...

NOW he is in rs rot? She got upgraded from fwb to something more important? When?

Posted by ClairDeLune

One of my exs would say when we first started dating would say, "I just want a woman, not need one." When we broke up and I repeated that statement to him, he cried and said, "I never thought I would ever need a woman like I need you." Ugh the feels are running again....

Wow I'd love that to happen..when a man needs you, doesn't that make you feel special..x

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by pooface222

Posted by Dreamyboy

Posted by pooface222

Posted by Dreamyboy

Posted by pooface222

Deep sigh!

Ok in the context of the fact that I fell in love with someone 5yrs ago and we both had so much in the way in our lives that we couldn't be together.

However despite having so much he kept trying to be with me, I felt rushed. He got insecure because we weren't together.

He drifted away back and forth a few times.

It wasn't until last week I finally told him why we couldn't be together a few years ago. I then said do you want to be with me? I need to know. He replied "I want you in my life!"

We spent the whole of last summer together. Until December when we had an argument and he disappeared because he was hurt.

He rang me over the weekend to tell me "I'm in love with you. I wish I was with you."

And we've had some very heartfelt texts between us too.

So what does my original post mean then?

You must be really dense.

It means he’s fully invested in you. Are you just pulling him along to fuck with him?

Hi..

No not at all.

Over the 5yrs he has disappeared so much back and forth that it made me not trust him.

I am in love with him and want to be with him.

Are you two planning on tying the knot soon then? I took the context of your post wrong

It's complicated. I'm divorced but he is still with his partner despite being divorced for 3yrs. He's unhappy with her but I think he needs me to help him leave her. He doesn't like being alone.

Something like that.

He was telling you she is ‘just’ his partner and he isn’t attached to her by any promises and they just wasting time together...

NOW he is in rs rot? She got upgraded from fwb to something more important? When?

click to expand

Hi ya..I'll private message you x

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by pooface222

Thanks so much, you've understood exactly what's been going on.

He got into a hissy fit on an email today.

The reason is I saw him last night by chance coming out of the gym and got talking to him about us meeting up properly to discuss us etc.

He said he'd like to which was nice.

I told him I sent him a nice email about his back and forth and how it effects us.

He read it today and got into a hissy fit saying "I continue to mot be worthy of your affection." WTF! I guess I make him feel like that or insecure.

Perhaps an email wasn't the best way to discuss that. Especially if it came across as blaming. To say you let him know how his actions have affected "us" is to place all the blame on his shoulders regarding the dynamics of your relationship, and I am not sure how "nice" of a message that is to read/hear lol. It takes two hands to clap. You did say you were also sorting out your marriage, and while he may not have handled separating from his spouse and relationship as well as you did, I am going to go out on a limb and say there were things that you probably did to make him question your commitment to him as well.

All you can really speak to is the way his actions have impacted you (e.g. your trust, your faith in his commitment, etc) and your concerns now. Even with that you need to take some ownership in your feelings as well if you hope to move forward. Anyway, hopefully it can be smoothed over when you meet to talk. He sounds rather sensitive and/or quick to wear the victim badge. May be something to consider when you speak to him.

click to expand

You're absolutely right. I am now realising there ARE things I have done/not done to make his question my commitment to him.

But before I go into that I need to say that when he came into my life 5yrs ago, we were seeing each other in my fitness classes and going for lunch/coffee dates etc. I know that's wrong and I don't normally cheat in a relationship BUT I was planning on leaving my husband anyway so it was nice to meet for coffee etc.

As you know - cause I said in previous posts here, he needed to sort his issues, and I needed to sort out mine BEFORE being together properly.

I've also said that he rushed things, scared me with his rushing - because I as well as He, was Not ready. And then he got disheartened and insecure because we weren't getting together fast enough for him. So he began this pattern of pulling away and coming back to see if things had changed everytime he came back.

They hadn't changed. I was still with my husband. Why? Because he had disappeared AGAIN!

And while he disappeared out of insecurity, his disappearing MADE ME insecure. So I kept staying in my marriage because at least it was secure. I didn't want to get divorced just to end imup alone so sadly this ended up being a cycle of him going and coming back, and me staying with husband, round and round and round.

I realise I should have just divorced him anyway so at least when the other guy comes back, he can see I'm leaving my husband.

SO this brings me to how I have done/not done things to make him question my commitment to him.

By not leaving my marriage - despite me telling him I'm not happy in it, he felt I wasn't committed to him. He felt not worthy of my affections. Sadly he couldn't see that he was rushing things between us. I was so CONFUSED at the time, because he had originally told me "I want to take things slow." I wanted to take things slow too because I had enough s**t going on in my marriage/life to deal with so I couldn't just leave in the blink of an eye! But it seemed he wanted me to leave as quickly as that but as it wasn't happening for him he didn't trust that I would leave so he disappeared.

Now when he came back to me every time, I was annoyed & pissed off and hurt with him for leaving. I began being iffy and cold towards him when he came back to me - because i was hurting with him leaving. I missed him so much in his absence it tore me apart inside! Therefore my annoyance at him pushed him Away and FURTHER made him feel not worthy of my affections!

So you see we were going round in circles!

At the time I didn't know why he kept disappearing. It took me MONTHS to finally work it out. BUT even when I worked it out I and he were not ready to be together at the time.

I hope all this makes sense?

So the poor guy was hurting with me not leaving my marriage quick enough for him - despite not being ready.

And I was hurting from him Leaving!

I've realised now also that maybe I should have just divorced my husband anyway EVEN if the man I loved had gone.

I was just so scared. Of being alone. Of throwing away my security with my husband who despite being cold & controlling, loved me lots. I won't go into detail because again will take ages, but it was an extreme relationship. He was controlling etc but he was fun and positive and affectionate and a good provider. Was hard being his wife because he was either Nice OR Nasty! No middle ground. Made me lonely over time.

Posted by pooface222

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by pooface222

Thanks so much, you've understood exactly what's been going on.

He got into a hissy fit on an email today.

The reason is I saw him last night by chance coming out of the gym and got talking to him about us meeting up properly to discuss us etc.

He said he'd like to which was nice.

I told him I sent him a nice email about his back and forth and how it effects us.

He read it today and got into a hissy fit saying "I continue to mot be worthy of your affection." WTF! I guess I make him feel like that or insecure.

Perhaps an email wasn't the best way to discuss that. Especially if it came across as blaming. To say you let him know how his actions have affected "us" is to place all the blame on his shoulders regarding the dynamics of your relationship, and I am not sure how "nice" of a message that is to read/hear lol. It takes two hands to clap. You did say you were also sorting out your marriage, and while he may not have handled separating from his spouse and relationship as well as you did, I am going to go out on a limb and say there were things that you probably did to make him question your commitment to him as well.

All you can really speak to is the way his actions have impacted you (e.g. your trust, your faith in his commitment, etc) and your concerns now. Even with that you need to take some ownership in your feelings as well if you hope to move forward. Anyway, hopefully it can be smoothed over when you meet to talk. He sounds rather sensitive and/or quick to wear the victim badge. May be something to consider when you speak to him.

You're absolutely right. I am now realising there ARE things I have done/not done to make his question my commitment to him.

But before I go into that I need to say that when he came into my life 5yrs ago, we were seeing each other in my fitness classes and going for lunch/coffee dates etc. I know that's wrong and I don't normally cheat in a relationship BUT I was planning on leaving my husband anyway so it was nice to meet for coffee etc.

As you know - cause I said in previous posts here, he needed to sort his issues, and I needed to sort out mine BEFORE being together properly.

I've also said that he rushed things, scared me with his rushing - because I as well as He, was Not ready. And then he got disheartened and insecure because we weren't getting together fast enough for him. So he began this pattern of pulling away and coming back to see if things had changed everytime he came back.

They hadn't changed. I was still with my husband. Why? Because he had disappeared AGAIN!

And while he disappeared out of insecurity, his disappearing MADE ME insecure. So I kept staying in my marriage because at least it was secure. I didn't want to get divorced just to end imup alone so sadly this ended up being a cycle of him going and coming back, and me staying with husband, round and round and round.

I realise I should have just divorced him anyway so at least when the other guy comes back, he can see I'm leaving my husband.

SO this brings me to how I have done/not done things to make him question my commitment to him.

By not leaving my marriage - despite me telling him I'm not happy in it, he felt I wasn't committed to him. He felt not worthy of my affections. Sadly he couldn't see that he was rushing things between us. I was so CONFUSED at the time, because he had originally told me "I want to take things slow." I wanted to take things slow too because I had enough s**t going on in my marriage/life to deal with so I couldn't just leave in the blink of an eye! But it seemed he wanted me to leave as quickly as that but as it wasn't happening for him he didn't trust that I would leave so he disappeared.

Now when he came back to me every time, I was annoyed & pissed off and hurt with him for leaving. I began being iffy and cold towards him when he came back to me - because i was hurting with him leaving. I missed him so much in his absence it tore me apart inside! Therefore my annoyance at him pushed him Away and FURTHER made him feel not worthy of my affections!

So you see we were going round in circles!

At the time I didn't know why he kept disappearing. It took me MONTHS to finally work it out. BUT even when I worked it out I and he were not ready to be together at the time.

I hope all this makes sense?

So the poor guy was hurting with me not leaving my marriage quick enough for him - despite not being ready.

And I was hurting from him Leaving!

I've realised now also that maybe I should have just divorced my husband anyway EVEN if the man I loved had gone.

I was just so scared. Of being alone. Of throwing away my security with my husband who despite being cold & controlling, loved me lots. I won't go into detail because again will take ages, but it was an extreme relationship. He was controlling etc but he was fun and positive and affectionate and a good provider. Was hard being his wife because he was either Nice OR Nasty! No middle ground. Made me lonely over time.

click to expand

Thought I'd add that he's a Pisces so very sensitive indeed.