when he says im not ready or I dont know

OK Ive been a member for quite some time and Ive been in a few relationships in that time and Ive recently come back and read a lot of stories and there are quite a few with women saying that the man they have been seeing will say to them..."Im not ready to be in a committed relationship" and/or "i dont know what I want" but still want to spend time with them and have sex with them. They from all counts were the ones who chased in the beginning, got what they wanted (because women tend to fall for the charms as I have done) and then the man backed off and didnt pursue like he used to.

A good friend of mine recently said that if a man isnt ready for a relationship or he doesnt know what he wants then its obvious that he doesnt want what he has. If he's not ready for a relationship then he shouldnt have all of you. I thought that was brilliant.

What is everybodys take on when a man says he's not ready or he doesnt know what he wants yet he's spent copious amounts of months with you and still wants to be with you but wont give you what you want? Ive been in these situations myself and when that happened I decided to date other men because if they werent, after all that time, into you enough to make some sort of commitment or introduce you to friends and family, etc, then they were still sitting on the fence. And to be totally honest, having other dates lined up when it does fall apart? its a Godsend 🙂

Has anybody experienced this themselves? Im intrigued because once upon a time I would stay around and try to "fix" everything and try to pander to his every needs....WRONG MOVE of course LOL. I learnt the hard way but it seems so many women on here are still going through this - they have not learnt from my mistakes damnit hahaha.

no the Virgo and I broke up back in June last year and omg you just reminded me that Virgo was the last one who said "Im not ready" I have been seeing a lovely Leo since July and its going well.

How are things with you?

LOL and you are young, you should be free to do what you please. You are at least honest but most of the guys that say that thing after say 6 months are the ones who chase/pursue and say all the things to melt a womans heart. Us (women) tend to fall for those words and take them literally......as I said, Ive learnt the hard way and now just take it as it comes but to see all the stories on here and out there in the wide world makes me wonder what it is about relationships that brings somebody to say they're not ready after all that time.

I get it at the beginning......if only everybody was so honest and upfront.

good on you Jason for being that way 🙂

Hahaha I was one of those girls once. I agree, 2nd chances are good - everybody deserves that BUT in your situation? Id not send a text to be humiliated by him not returning it or taking his sweet time....Libras take their time with everything anyway.

You seem to have your head on just right and have left it alone and have moved on so I wouldnt worry too much about being a friend to him if he hasnt bothered, it just opens up old wounds for you?

Well here's why men do this: ONE, most people (men and women) don't have a problem taking what they didn't earn. The reason men continue to hang/kick it with the women they've already told about their commitment fears is b/c they know deep down that if the woman were to end up disappointed, the man can NEVER blaim himself. After all, most men now days are telling women UP FRONT, thus if the woman makes the CHOICE (since he can't force her to give something she didn't want to give), then men are already prepared for the comeback that hey, they didn't put a gun to your head. Men understand personal accountability. Most people would rob a bank if they knew they wouldn't get caught. Men are no different. Sure, a man can be a little bit more considerate & have a cleaner conscious and NOT continue to take the benefits from something he knows deep down he doesn't deserve BUT then again, a man isn't necessarily going to strip himself of what he's enjoying on the side either. That's just the nature of life. For example: Let's say you hate your job, your boss & all your co-workers. Your home life is horrible: your living pay check to pay check & don't mind the health benefits that come from your job either. One day your boss fires you. But then you discover a few days later that you're still on the payroll & that the company must've forgotten to take your health benefits & salary away. And then your lawyer tells you that even if your job discovers their mistake, they can't make you pay the money back OR punish you in any way b/c it all came down to someone not doing their job. Well, would you necessarily call your job, after noticing the mistake & tell them to stop paying you? I bet you wouldn't. Sure, some people out of integrity or out of fear of what'll happen if their job realizes they kept taking the money. but let's be honest, you'd be on cloud 9 to know that you don't have to any longer deal with your boss, working all those dreadful hours or kissing anyone's A, but yet you can still get money for doing nothing. You'd suddenly remember that you're having hard times & that you can't afford to lose your health benefits b/c it's pretty conveinant to have them around, even tho you might not technically need them at the moment.

The example I used is the exact same way that you can look at these kinds of situations with men. SURe, it'd be nice if a man (who know up front that he wouldnt' commit to you) would have some integrity & not take a cookie that he didn't pay for BUT then again, he's not necessarily going to take away what's pleasing to him either (like sex, company when he's bored, etc.)

Men get away with this b/c they know they can. Is it morally wrong of them sometimes? Well of course. BUT, (here's the tricky part): Is it THEIR fault? NOPE! And plus, so it won't seem like I'm bashing just the men, I think that women need to woman up about things like this. Women are so quick to blaim a man for everything. The excuses/accusations I've heard were ridiculous. We might convince ourselves that it's always "HIS" fault but here's the problem, that doesn't mean that THEY (men) see it that way. Now granted, there ARE some men who purposely keeping promising a relationship (knowing good & damn well they're full of it) only to continue getting the benefit. Now, if that's the case, then that's completely different. But now a days, men are being so upfront about things, telling other women that they're married, aren't ready to settle down and/or are already taken, & it's amazing that women act like they don't believe the men when they ARE actually being honest. As the saying goes, "When a man tells you who he is, believe him." So many women think they'll be the one who makes him change or the one who makes him see how rewarding commitment is. But what women don't realize is that there is NO hype in only knowing deep down that the only reason he commited to you was b/c of YOU, and NOT him!!! What is so appealing/attractive about having to change/mold someone into something they're aren't yet? The saying, "What you see is what you get," is very true. It's NOT a woman's JOB (nor her obligation) to try to make a man commit when he doesn't want to. And if she continues to make the CHOICE of staying around & willingly giving all of her "goodies" to him, then she's JUST AS SELFISH for blaiming him when the lightbulb in her head finally comes on that it was all for nothing! A man will be ready to commit when he feels that he's the best man that he can be for you. He doesn't need women around him observing him, analyzing him, trying to change/pressure him/giving him "Dr. Phil's love quotes" b/c it won't work. Men who won't commit usually won't commit for a GOOD reason & it suprises me that women would rather have a "half completed man" just for the sake of having the "title" with someone than a man whose actually ready AND prepared (most important) for what a woman is asking for.

Hmmmm yes awesome analysis.....thanks all - now lets spread the word LOL

Someone once told me that a man wont commit until he has reached his goals in life like either a great job, a house to fill it with a woman, or just simple goals....until HE is ready he WONT commit no matter how wonderful the woman is.

I quite admire men who say upfront that they're not ready or they're not sure they want a relationship of this or that status but I get so frustrated hearing stories (and Ive been in this situation myself too many times in the past) where they've been dating for quite some time and he's fed her all the bullshit lines he can to get her involved (oh I could write a book) and then when it gets too hot for him to handle he finds an out with "Im not ready"....WTF? thats the part I dont get and OMG there are so many stories on here just like that.

If guys are reading this, just let the woman know upfront if all you're doing is playing.....not all women will listen (as was stated above, a lot will try to "fix" the man and hope that they'll be the special one after many before them to change his thinking) but many women do take that into consideration.....dont leave it half a year down the track when she's already attached....be upfront 🙂

Now back to some more reading...thanks all 🙂

Posted by Jason2213
Oh I see.

Me? Things are okay. Nothing outstanding. Just okay.



And concerning this thread. I am one of those "I'm not ready" guys. And I'll be staying that way for a long while. I'll refuse to go out with anyone. Absolutely no FB relationships. No sex. Nothing. Just me, my left hand, and my imagination.

But I'll be happy to melt into a relationship anytime.

Melt as in it'll take a long time anyway.

+10 respect points. 🙂

men and women need to stop trying to figure each other out. we just need to come to an understanding and accept that we're different.

i do agree with what ur friend said in that if he says he doesn't know what he wants then he's saying he's not sure he wants you in the long run. it doesn't mean he's not into u at all just not enough to commit to anything. he's basically already realized there are incompatibilities. however i don't agree with the other part... where he shouldn't have all of u unless he's ready to commit. i'm guessing the friend is female. i recommend u stop the habit of turning to ur girlfriends for advice on men. go to ur male friends. they'll tell u what's really going on. besides, women often use sex as a leveraging tool and for power gain. it's a manipulation tactic. we really shouldn't do that to men. men are a little simpler and it's too easy to coerce them by withholding sex.

i actually have a hard time understanding how many women can't comprehend that u can still be attracted to a person without those loving feelings. i have been physically, mentally, and spiritually attracted to many men and i'd say i'd only want to have an actual relationship with 2% of them. they're all fun, smart, and good looking ppl but i don't want them as my significant other. of course i still love to spend time with them and, if the moment arises, we can play a little too.

go with whatever comes naturally to u. i hope u realize that u can make up ur own rules too!

Ive spoken to men about this very issue.....most, not all agree that ifa guy says he's not ready or he's not sure about this or that he means it....women try to change these men and hope that they'll be "the one" but if they're upfront its their own fault. Men and women are certainly different and women have been taught by women (thats the downfall LOL).

Actually ninajamu that statement comes from a man. If a man isn't into a woman enough to commit that means overall he's just not that into you (not you persay but the woman it applies to). Time is not on a woman's side, if she wants to have babies and have life-time commitment then it really doesn't make sense to stay if he's holding back, stalling because he can't see himself with her long-term and this is were many women get stuck because they believe it's a perfect relationship but IMO if there is stalling then it's not perfect, least it's not for the man. Smart women move on

If a woman is fine just being a girlfriend with no real purpose then hey that's okay too especially if she's young, it's really up to each woman to decide what's best for her. I can give advice till the cow comes home but a woman must sit down and analyze her situaton and be honest with herself and follow through despite her attraction to a man. If a man says I'm staying but does something to say I'm leaving well he's leaving but most women hold onto the latter, hold onto words as if they are truth and don't even care about the actions that say otherwise.

Women do what they are taught to do, we are taught to say this and do that and give this and fix that but it's never really made anyone feel cherished not even the man (maybe a man-boy/mama's boy but not a real man). We can go to our male counterparts for help but many women dismiss what they say because it's too hard to believe because most of us have been conditioned and trained to believe something else.

We are who we are, one person at a time can make a massive impact on all women....Were all so beautiful and intelligent and wise, that's what keeps me focused on doing what I do.

Sorti we are who are means for me and I do speak for myself and a few of the women I have successfully helped on there journey to be softer and more open with men is that we want to change, many of us really want to but we don't know how and when we do know how some of us don't have the guts and internal discipline to apply certain attractive behaviors and boundaries to our own lives, it just takes practice and patience and ONE person that believes in them.

A huge majority of women don't want to be alone but dating for some can be so frustrating because some of us don't have the luxury to use our girl energy and there is a huge population stuck in there boy energy, doing, giving, overfunctioning with men and blowing off these desperation vibes not because we want to be that way because that's the way we have to be, been forced to be or trained to be as a little girl to an adult.

It's okay for women to move on when a man isn't on the same life path as the woman but most women if not all women on some level want to experience having great relationships with men and some women need help with that.

IMO Ninajamu gave some great advice as well, yet her attitude is not something women can wrap there heads around after a certain age, she's learned the art of thinking like a man and behaving like one and it actually is very attractive and it works to attract men as well but for the majority of women between the age range of 30-40 this isn't a realistic view, it gets harder to behave the way she suggest due to strong nesting hormones, nesting instincts and these instincts have to be trained and managed to do otherwise as to not impose itself onto men, these hormones attach themselves to men and NEED to be fulfilled and unless a woman learns to stave/manage these feelings it can create conflict when coupled with a guy that doesn't want to experience long-term committment and marriage, Ninajamu is still in her 20's so she has a bit of a ways to go before the shift happens and yes it happens and it happens quite suddenly from being laid back to this UNDESCRIBABLE FEELING, a feeling of desperately needing something more secure, not impossible but it takes a bit more effort after a certain age to be open to playing with men the way she suggest. Women that are of a certain age and are ready to nest and don't want to subject themselves to superficial short-term situations with men won't possibly want to follow her advice because the goals become different at different stages in life, they want more and there is nothing wrong with wanting more.

Brilliant advice is when she suggested to make up our own rules, yes I agree with that totally.

wellllllllllll. i've never had a guy say this to me but i've said it after a few months. my reasoning was this: i liked the person, i liked their companionship, and i was willing to see how things naturally unfolded. however, i also knew that i wasn't ready for a serious relationship at that point in time. i never enter one lightly. i have to be sure i'm ready......because i know that committing to someone involves a lot of sacrifice.


basically, it's not necessarily a reflection on them, but on my own personal level of maturity and readiness. some may see this as selfish and think that i shouldn't be involved with them on any level if i'm not ready to be serious right now. but from my point of view, it's actually better NOT to take it to a level i'm not completely comfortable with....more responsible, and for the good of our current relationship.

""A good friend of mine recently said that if a man isn't ready for a relationship or he doesn't know what he wants then its obvious that he doesn't want what he has. If he's not ready for a relationship then he shouldn't have all of you. I thought that was brilliant.""


Oh, Chatz, I wish a couple of my girlfriends could read this. Even then, I doubt they'd let go of the hope for a future with the men who are currently taking advantage of them. Then again, they're allowing it, aren't they? ::sigh:: Some days I feel their pain terribly. Other days, I want to shake them until they wake up and regain their self-respect and esteem, just as I would want someone to do the same for me.

I just try to accept we aren't a match, sincerely wish and hope the best for them, and accept that I am worthy of the loving committed relationship I desire.

(Good to see you chatz)

Of course, I am way more optimistic about the existence of love these days. hee.

lol .. I especially love the part where you said why couldn't people learn from your mistakes .... when I actually spent very long hours trying to knock into YOUR head this very mistake you now said you realize.




Not sure of what is more disturbing .. the fact that you were actually listening to me and just being contrary to your nose to spite your face, while trying to make yourself believe that I was being injured in some way for your own personal fuck ups .. or the fact that when you described this condition in the OP you referred to it as plural, as in you still give your body to a man who's looking for his personal slut, the only difference is that now you date others simultaneously.

I think BOTH men AND women need to take responsibilty with both of these issues! On 1 hand:
1. I agree with men in that it's not necessarily THEIR problem if they're up front about not being ready, but yet keep attracting the same ole women who want more than he's willing to give. I agree that when a man says he's not ready, it often has nothing to do with the woman he's telling that too. When a man is actually being sincere about why he's not ready, it's understandable that they feel justified in their decision. After all, so many men get labeled as the "heartbreakers" & the "dogs" & it's almost as if some women are unwilling to accept that some men actually do feel they're doing a woman more of a favor by not wasting her time from the get go. Men get that women expect commitment over time. Men know this, which is why some of them tell a woman up front that he's not going to be able to offer her what she's ultimately looking for. BUT, one thing I don't agree with though is this: If a man isn't ready for commitment, that's fine! BUT, if you're not ready for a relationship/commitment, then it's UNFAIR to continue to engage in certain things that are known to establish feelings on a woman's part. Men who are trying to get into relationships know that romance, intimacy & all that other good stuff is what it'll take for the commitment to begin, thus it doesn't make any sense for commitment-phobes to be engaging in this same behavior if they want a completely different outcome. I tell my male friends all the time, the minute you spot a woman growing feelings for you, cut it OFF! Don't wait until she brings up the topic of commitment before you break it to her. If you KNOW that you holding her every night, for example, is part of the reason why she's starting to grow feelings for you, then stop freaking holding her every night! Men know exactly what they are doing! They don't want a commitment but then again, they still want to be a woman's prince charming & hero too. They still want to be the man that all the ladies want for commitment. And I think THAT is when things go wrong. Sure, some women don't listen or ignore a man's signal when he says he's not ready BUT not all women do. Some women just assume that a man will only do/say certain things as a signal that if things were to go further, nothing would stop that process, if that time were to come.

It's like with a job interview. GUYS: do NOT apply for a job, go into the interview & show a potential employee everything you've got, UNLESS you are prepared to actually take the job & work the hours if the employer actually decides to hire you. Don't go into a place & lay all your resume & cards out on the table unless you know up front that if the manager were to actually see you worthy enough for the position, you would decline the offer. It's a complete waste of time. No employer wants to see all good applicants come into their office & impress them, only to find out later that when they offered the person the job, they all of the sudden decline. This is what I see alot of men doing. They don't want commitment & they tell women this up front BUT they continue to egg on things that committed people do. If you don't want a relationship, that's fine but make sure that you're not somewhere playing "house" with someone though! Make sure, you're not somewhere acting as if you're already in a relationships anyways (whereas the only thing that's missing is the "title" which is just a word in the dictionary). A man can't have it both ways. If you aren't ready for love, no one can blaim you or knock you for that BUT stay out of the dating pool though! Stop getting on all of these dating websites full of people who currently want commitment, if when you actually find someone worth your time, you back out on them. So many people get so used to NOT finding the right person for them that they forget that every blue moon, you might actually strike gold & find the right person. And if & when that time comes, make sure you're prepared & in the right position to accept the position. So many men don't want commitments but yet they have all the time in the world for the things that commited people do anyways, like cuddling, intimacy, sex, etc. Don't put your hand in the cookie jar if you're not hungry. It's simple.

Sometimes men try to play the "IT JUST HAPPEND" card as if they don't understand or can't help it that an emotional connection was established & that's bull. Sure, we can't control/help who we care for BUT caring about someone/growing feelings for someone doesn't happen over night either. It all takes work, time & energy. A woman has to naturally grow to have feelings for a man & she does so by going off of what he's exposing to her. If a woman sees a man opening up to her, being completely intimate with her & doing all of the same things committed people do, with her then it's understandable that she'll automatically assume that if she ever brings up the topic of commitment, there won't be a problem. Me personally, I've had some men tell me up front that commitment was just not their cup of tea & hey, instead of sitting there & arguing with their reasons or trying to change their mindset, I just walk away. I'm not afraid of the liars & the cheaters b/c I believe that if you pay close enough attention & know the right things to look for, you'll be able to spot all of those "red flags" before the emotional attachment is made. However, I fear the kind of men who aren't up front about their commitment phobic mindsets, & who will engage in all the behaviors that men ready for/already in commitments do. These kinds of men are more dangerous b/c a woman doesn't usually find out he was a "dead end" the whole time until she's already attached & until she's already at the point of no return. THOSE are the kinds of men I don't respect & that are harder to spot. The problem though is that sometimes a man's reasons for not commiting DOES involve the woman, but either way it goes, & regardless of his reasoning, I think it's best for the woman to move on..not keep giving him her all, only to later resent him that he didn't "invest" like she hoped he would