For Scorps Who Are Not Capable of Vulnerability

You are capable. By not doing so you are screwing up your relationships with people whether it's a significant other, friends, co-workers etc..

So many threads about holding back affection, not showing your cards (who you really are and how you really feel). Throws people off, turns them off and then they mirror your inactions back to you. What a waste of time and energy. All for what? Fear? Read these...(links will follow)

Why is falling in love scary? Why do people often shut down in the face of intimacy? Because of an intense fear of vulnerability. Dr. Brene Brown, Professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, explains this phenomenon: —Vacillating between I am here and I love you??_and I'm going to reveal my innermost to you??_and I am scared to death that you??ll reject me.?? Ironically, the vulnerability we try desperately to avoid may be the key to a successful relationship. Research shows that the quality that makes a relationship last is its degree of affection and affection implies vulnerability.

In my previous post, I described the critical health impact of social connections and relationships. Brown, an expert on social connection, conducted thousands of interviews to discover the root of deep social connection. A thorough analysis of the data revealed what it was: vulnerability. Vulnerability here does not mean being weak or submissive. To the contrary, it implies the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Although we may try to run from vulnerability, it is an inevitable part of social relationships. Even outside of romance, vulnerability is something we encounter frequently: calling someone who has just lost a child, asking a friend for help, taking responsibility for something that went wrong at work, confronting a family member about their behavior, or sitting by the bedside of a friend with a terminal illness. Opportunities for vulnerability present themselves to us every day, the question is whether we will take them.

Why do we fear vulnerability? We are afraid that if someone finds out who we really are, they will reject us. While we may try to appear perfect, strong or intelligent in order to connect with others in actual fact pretense often has the opposite effect intended. Research by Paula Niedenthal shows that we resonate too deeply with one another not to perceive inauthenticity. We even register inauthenticity in our bodies. A study by James Gross shows that when we are inauthentic and try to hide our feelings, others respond physiologically (a rise in blood pressure). This physiological response may explain our discomfort around inauthentic or —fake?? people.

On the other hand, when people stick to the truth (including avoiding little white lies), not only does their well-being increase but their relationships improve, recent research suggests. Another recent study indicates that verbally expressing our feelings exactly as they are may help us overcome emotions faster. When we allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable, we benefit, our relationships improve, and we may even become more attractive. "We are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth,?? says Brown. "We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.?? Why do we love children so much? Why are we drawn to people who act themselves? Because we feel an intrinsic comfort in the presence of authenticity. Moreover, someone who is real and and vulnerable gives us the space and permission to be the same.

Yes, vulnerability can lead to hurt. Brown explains that women often tell men that they want their partner to be vulnerable and to share their feelings but then recoil in disgust when men do. When women share their feelings, men often feel frustrated or powerless and want to find a fixed and pragmatic solution. Yet is it worth walking through fear and vulnerability to experience social connection? Absolutely. —Show me a man who can listen to a woman and not try to fix her problem but rather just listen to her and be there for her, show me a woman who can sit with a man who shares this vulnerability and still love him the way he is, and I'll show you a man and woman who are courageous and have done their work," says Brown. "It's about intention — —Can this be the safest place that we have: with each other, you can be afraid with me and I can be afraid with you.?? ??

To know that you are seen and loved for who you are and to perceive someone else in all of their vulnerability and love them as they are may just be one of life's most fulfilling experiences. Next time you feel yourself close up in fear in a romantic relationship or otherwise, notice if you can make the choice to be courageous. Take a risk and embrace vulnerability. To quote the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/feeling-it/201209/vulnerability-the-secret-intimacy<BR>

more on vulnerability:

It's the most important ingredient of a trusting, intimate relationship.
So what can you do if you are paralyzed by fear or unable to risk being vulnerable with your partner? First, you need to acknowledge it. Fear doesn't go away on its own — it tends to morph into something else. Did you ever notice that trying to be perfect and walking on eggshells doesn't work because it drains you of energy?

5 Top Reasons Why Vulnerability Leads to Intimacy:

Vulnerability increases our sense of worthiness and authenticity.
Vulnerability helps us feel close and connected to our partner, yet achieve our own sense of identity.
Being vulnerable helps us ask for what we want and avoid stonewalling (shutting down or distancing ourselves from a partner).
It allows us to build trust in others and to become fully engaged in an intimate relationship.
Being vulnerable allows us to open our heart — to give and receive love fully.
According to Dr. Brown disengagement is the most dangerous factor that erodes trust in a relationship. The only way to avoid this is to risk being vulnerable with your partner by asking for help, standing up for yourself, sharing unpopular opinions, and having faith in yourself and your partner. The ultimate risk is allowing yourself to fall in love, which requires letting go of control — and of the fear of being hurt or abandoned.

Four Steps To Allowing Yourself To Be Vulnerable With Your Partner

While all relationships present risks, they are risks worth taking. Even if you have been abandoned or cheated on, you can surrender your shield and allow your partner in. Healthy partnerships are within reach if you let go of fear and believe you are worthy of love and all of the gifts it has to offer.

Step One: Visualize yourself in an honest and open relationship and work toward allowing yourself to be more vulnerable and open with your partner.

Step Two: Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about accepting nurturing and support from your partner.

Step Three: Remind yourself daily that it's healthy to accept help from others and a sign of strength rather than weakness. Don't let your fear of rejection or past hurt stop you from achieving the love and intimacy you deserve. Practice being vulnerable in small steps and keep a journal or talk to a therapist or close friend about your progress.

Step Four: Create a more trusting relationship with a partner by giving yourself permission to be vulnerable and take risks — one where you can be comfortable sharing your dreams and being your authentic self.

Intimacy can be an important source of comfort and provide predictability in an uncertain world. The truth is that all relationships end; through breakup, death, or divorce. Why waste time being preoccupied with fear of your relationship ending? It is possible to be vulnerable to others without losing parts of yourself. By doing this, you'll be able to restore your faith in love, trust, and intimacy.

Read more: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/terry-gaspard/5-top-reasons-why-being-vulnerable-leads-intimacy/page/2#ixzz3EEPr2NgK

Great post!

Obviously this doesn't apply to those who treat you like a doormat, or badly. Most Scorps know the difference. However, if things are going well and the other person who has the strength and has no fear is showing his/her vulnerable side, maybe it's a time to relax and give the same in return. By not doing so is shutting the door in their face and they distance themselves. Ironically the EXACT thing you fear! You set yourself up for rejection by holding back.

This is awesome! I've noticed this with scorp venus too.

I'm Scorp Sun and Venus... This is very true. Takes a lot to be open and vulnerable but you just gotta have the courage to do it.

Tennyson is just so good 🙂

Posted by starlover
I have sun and venus in scorp ~ i allow myself to feel vulnerable whenever i need to

Today i was at a funeral of a musician friend....i just allowed the tears to roll down my face and not make any attempt to hide as i would have done at one time

The last r.ship i was in the guy told me one of the things he liked about me was daring to feel vulnerable as he found that hard to do. He actually liked me to cry and show my vulnerable side



Thanks for sharing LIB

x

I had a similar comment from an ex when we met up a few months ago (we were just friends really, it was like shagging my older brother!!) he's a Scorp sun, moon, and venus.

That weekend was just very emotional (not related to my ex) and I couldn't help but talk and get stuff off my chest and I cried at everything!

He said he liked it when I was vulnerable as I'd always been so 'tough' years before, he said it was nice to see my softer side.

He still didn't get in me pants!! Ha!

Posted by AgentP911

Posted by starlover
I have sun and venus in scorp ~ i allow myself to feel vulnerable whenever i need to

Today i was at a funeral of a musician friend....i just allowed the tears to roll down my face and not make any attempt to hide as i would have done at one time

The last r.ship i was in the guy told me one of the things he liked about me was daring to feel vulnerable as he found that hard to do. He actually liked me to cry and show my vulnerable side



Thanks for sharing LIB

x

I had a similar comment from an ex when we met up a few months ago (we were just friends really, it was like shagging my older brother!!) he's a Scorp sun, moon, and venus.

That weekend was just very emotional (not related to my ex) and I couldn't help but talk and get stuff off my chest and I cried at everything!

He said he liked it when I was vulnerable as I'd always been so 'tough' years before, he said it was nice to see my softer side.

He still didn't get in me pants!! Ha!

click to expand

lol..
I'm not a crier, but when it happens...it's usually something pretty bad.

thank you for the post!! helped alot

Your welcome...IS & Sarah

Wow. Thank you. Absolutely.

Sorry but I tried to open up and basically got my heart fucked.

I will only open up friendship wise.

Wow, you've got a GREAT post!!! But it's pretty much true about me to the "T". I'm the classic "dark and brooding" type. I don't say much and if she likes me great, but I DO hold back a LOT. It's pretty stupid, but I've got my reasons. I'm not saying I wouldn't respond if she was in to me, but I hold and guard things pretty close to the chest.

Posted by IrresistableScorp

Posted by heartlocket
Sorry but I tried to open up and basically got my heart fucked.

I will only open up friendship wise.

I wrote this awhile ago--

There is something about the Scorpion child that is very sweet. We live in a world of unicorns and blue skies and thoughts of our true love. We are beyond innocent and naive in our interior even if we act sarcastic or cynical. Inside we are rainbows and wonder. In fact, many of us probably had our —place?? where we sat and dreamed of perfect love and a wonderful world. 🙂

Then one day, that veneer of wonder is brutally lifted--be it from a childhood event, a person we gave our wonder love to or our favorite celebrity unmasked as a criminal. Whatever. It doesn't matter what the cause was, we are confronted with the reality that our beautiful wonderworld is a sham. We come to think that our naive devotion to love, trust and loyalty was a creation and not a reality. I will refer to this as The First Betrayal. This is where our Scorpion soul cycle begins.

With this new harsh reality, we find the dark underworld. The murky waters. The belly of the beast as it were. Devastated and broken, we swim around in the dark and drink from the dark waters. We may go through a period of exploring the extremities of what the dark offers: vice and pain. Some Scorpions get stuck in this cycle for awhile and engage in a series of activities that harms their soul as well as the souls of others-- possibly to inflict the pain they are feeling on others. This is the Grey Lizard cycle.

For others, we manage to find our way out--with a load of experiences that go firmly into the —secrets for life?? folder--and we find we are now somehow stronger. We have figured out how to —protect?? what we *now* know is a vulnerable, very sensitive and naive core.

click to expand

WOW!!! That was DEEP, Pineapples. I give you a standing ovation and an applause to go with it!

Posted by IrresistableScorp

I wrote this awhile ago--

There is something about the Scorpion child that is very sweet. We live in a world of unicorns and blue skies and thoughts of our true love. We are beyond innocent and naive in our interior even if we act sarcastic or cynical. Inside we are rainbows and wonder. In fact, many of us probably had our —place?? where we sat and dreamed of perfect love and a wonderful world. 🙂

Then one day, that veneer of wonder is brutally lifted--be it from a childhood event, a person we gave our wonder love to or our favorite celebrity unmasked as a criminal. Whatever. It doesn't matter what the cause was, we are confronted with the reality that our beautiful wonderworld is a sham. We come to think that our naive devotion to love, trust and loyalty was a creation and not a reality. I will refer to this as The First Betrayal. This is where our Scorpion soul cycle begins.

With this new harsh reality, we find the dark underworld. The murky waters. The belly of the beast as it were. Devastated and broken, we swim around in the dark and drink from the dark waters. We may go through a period of exploring the extremities of what the dark offers: vice and pain. Some Scorpions get stuck in this cycle for awhile and engage in a series of activities that harms their soul as well as the souls of others-- possibly to inflict the pain they are feeling on others. This is the Grey Lizard cycle.

For others, we manage to find our way out--with a load of experiences that go firmly into the —secrets for life?? folder--and we find we are now somehow stronger. We have figured out how to —protect?? what we *now* know is a vulnerable, very sensitive and naive core.

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