Sigh. It's over, and I gave him back his ring

So, thanks for all the advice, but after a blowout yesterday, I told him I refuse to marry him, gave his ring and left the home. Staying with my sister again until I can get a place of my own.

The double standards and strange blowups are bad for me. Maybe others can handle it, but I cannot and I have had enough. I don't even understand. I will try to explain here, but still don't understand.

As a pilot, he works with many attractive women who are in the crew, many our age. They find him attractive. To me, this is par for course and I am not 100% fine with it, but I figure I can't control who finds him attractive and as long as he is honest, it's no problem. Well, there is a woman there who he told me once came to their holiday party dressed in a Santa bikini (this is before I met him). He said she is kind of "out there" but nice and she has been on the crews of his last few flights. Yesterday I called him after the plane crash in New York (he is home for a few days before flying out again) because seeing that made me think of him and worry, and he was out socializing with some people in the crew. He breaks off our conversation (while I am still on the phone) and I hear him saying something to a female voice. He comes back and I say "Was that bikini girl you were talking to?" And he says "Who?" And I said "The girl who came to the party in the Santa bikini. Is that her you were just talking to?" And he gets angry! He says, "No, but what if it was?"

So we get into a big fight and I hang up. He comes home and asks me why I said what I said about him talking to "bikini girl" and I had it. I told him I was sick of his shit, I don't want to marry him, he can shove his ring up his asshole and I was leaving. I packed up some clothes and he followed me all around asking me to talk, but I was done. I am amazed. I work in an office full of men. Once he called and my boss, a man, was passing by and said something to me, and he was all "Who's he? What's he want? Your boss? Oh, he's old, right?" But I ask him, after he rudely interrupts our conversation to talk to someone else, who he is talking to, and he flies off the handle. That to me is behavior of someone with something to hide.

He has called my cell and work all morning. Took work phone off hook and will be changing cell phone number tonight. I just wanted to thank everyone for the wonderful advice and support here. I am very sad and just trying to make it through, but I am hoping to make it. 🙂

I agree with Star unless there is more to this story seems this situation coupled with some stress caused you to over react, seems you need to take some time to build up your confidence and self esteem before venturing into another commitment with a man.

Sorry, was writing in a hurry, I will try to explain further.

Insecure, maybe, but to me it is unendingly rude to cut off a person you are talking to, least of all your fiancee, to talk to someone else about nonsense. He did not say "Excuse me a moment" or "Hold on." I was in the middle of my sentence and realize he is carrying on a conversation with this woman about pizza! I called him because the miraculous landing I saw on TV made me think of him and what he and his crew go through, and he stops listening to me to talk to some bitch about pizza! So maybe if he had said "Hold on a minute, someone is asking me a question" I would not have gotten so angry.

Coupled with the double standard. He acted like I had no business asking him who he was talking to when he does that to me all the time. He won't ask if it's a woman's voice he hears, but if it's a man's, I get the third degree! But I ask him who it was he rudely interrupted me to talk to, and he gets upset, which seems suspicious to me. I do not know the girl in the bikini's name, so I used the only identifier I had for her. He could've simply said "Oh, no, I'm actually talking to _____." But for him to get mad points (to me) to something else going on there. Whenever he asks me what guy it is in the background, I tell him without hesitation or attitude because there's nothing strange there.

Furryleo, you are absolutely right. I did not want to be obnoxious and ask others to read my first thread, but yes, this broke the camels back. He is texting that if I don't call him he will come to my job and wait. I am not at work today (took off because just am sad and feeling bad), so he can do that all he likes. I have no need to discuss anything with him. Now he's free to discuss what he likes with bikini woman.

Wow! u are so over reacting. cool off and talk it out with him.That is something u shouldn't be breaking off with. A damn convo that went off wrong broke u guys up... how does that sound? pretty lame i'll say. talk things out. u'll be fine.

Furryleo, perhaps I have just different sensitivities due to my chart. Maybe I am not typical Aries, I do not know. But he will not listen and I will not marry that type of man.

Starfish, I do agree with what you say in principal, but this man would barely listen to a word I said when I had an issue and I'm done talking. For me, actions speak much louder than words. I won't marry him, he has his ring back, and ASAP, I will be moving to my own place. To me, there's nothing more needs said because I feel he won't listen to me anyway. 😢

Yeah, that definitely didn't seem like a reason to break an engagement. Major insecurities. Scorpio men are jealous by nature. Yes they have double standards, however there is a way to make them see that and work on it and it isn't by blowing up.

furryleo, I agree that if it doesn't feel right for her she should leave. However if it is because of this one argument then there wasn't a bond or a relationship strong enough to endure a marriage for anyone regardless of the signs involved. Marriage is work 24/7 the end result can be rewarding or divorce. Seriously.

Queenscorpio, it certainly was not because of this one argument. I think to some extent, he still feels a type of way about his failed relationships and he always poked and prodded me to see just "when" I would throw off my mask and reveal me to be as useless, lying, cheating and duplicitous as his ex bitches. And when I didn't do that, he said that I wasn't "exciting" enough or whatever. I can't win with him, is how I feel. I tried hard, but I think as furryleo says, it's just incompatibility. Now he will chase me and ring my phone because he wants to prove a point. To me, that's not love, that's wanting to be in the driver's seat again.

"he always poked and prodded me to see just "when" I would throw off my mask and reveal me to be as useless, lying, cheating and duplicitous as his ex bitches. And when I didn't do that, he said that I wasn't "exciting" enough or whatever."


That ^^^ in fact, isn't the truth. He said he wanted more excitement in the relationship and you took it upon yourself to assume it to mean that he wanted you to be like his ex.


Now, it's apparant ... you're jealous, and feel intimated by a woman who may have absolutely nothing to do with any of this .. but, are using her as a crutch to pull away.

And sobeit .. if using her as an excuse gives you the wisedom to see the forest for the trees ... then suspect all you want, for your road is now open before you to walk away.

However, keep in mind here .... for a person who attests to not like drama .. you are going about it very dramatically.

"That ^^^ in fact, isn't the truth. He said he wanted more excitement in the relationship and you took it upon yourself to assume it to mean that he wanted you to be like his ex."

What else was I supposed to think? I am who I am. He knew this going in. I would be inclined to agree with you if I'd pulled a bait and switch on him and he was left wondering what happened. But I've always been mild-mannered and laidback.

I'm not using anyone as a crutch. I am saying that I dislike how he treats me. He assumes, like the Mariah Carey song, that he "knows I'm here to stay." I'm not. I'm here to stay for a man who loves me and appreciates my uniqueness.

Also, he is now threatening to stand out side my sister's apartment until I talk to him (he knows I am staying there but does not know I am there now.) I do not want this. If I were to text him to please leave me alone, we have nothing to discuss, would he come over to my sister's anyway? I promised her there would be no blowups or scenes.

" Now he will chase me and ring my phone because he wants to prove a point. To me, that's not love, that's wanting to be in the driver's seat again."

If what you are saying is true, then that is exactly what he is doing. Scorp men hate to lose perse. They have to be in control at all times or they are thrown off balance. Seriously however they only act this way when they are not in a secure relationship.

However, in agreeance with P-Angel, I think you did a lot of assuming in the situation you posted. If there are other reasons than maybe it is a pile up of things but you might want to include those reasons when asking for advice.

"Also, he is now threatening to stand out side my sister's apartment until I talk to him (he knows I am staying there but does not know I am there now.) I do not want this. If I were to text him to please leave me alone, we have nothing to discuss, would he come over to my sister's anyway? I promised her there would be no blowups or scenes."{


In my experience - YES!!!!!!

Irishlibra, that is good advice when some time has passed. Not a good idea right away.

Starfish, I never said I did not care anymore. I said I was done. There is, to me, a difference. I planned on spending my life with this man and have realized that I cannot. So I'm not exactly thrilled about it. I still love him, but I cannot marry him and will not talk with him right now, is all.

And no, I am not enjoying "the chase" as I suspect it's nothing more than a power play for him. I am not trying to make nice as usual and it is throwing off his equilibrium. He's not chasing after me because he doesn't want to lose me. He is chasing me because he wants to "win." 😢 So no, not enjoyable for me.

Irishlibra, he will not listen to me now. I think Queen Scorpio is right. Maybe after some time has passed, but not now. He is convinced I overreacted to all this, and I am convinced I did not.

It does sound like the final straw. Sometimes that's all it takes for us to open our eyes to all the stuff we've been putting up with and not saying anything about.

So sorry to hear about this lebelier, I know how hard it must be for you right now.

Stay strong it's your life...

Starfish, I do, in retrospect, don't think it was a lie, but not sure if he came into our relationship with the best intentions.

When people say "Do you," that seems to me a frustrating response. I do appreciate your suggestions and comments. Just because I don't agree with them 100 percent doesn't mean I don't appreciate the time you took just as much as I appreciate furryleo's, whose point of view I do appreciate. Sorry if that was not your intention, but "do you" and stating that you're no longer going to comment seems to me very passive-aggressive and dismissive.

"we have nothing to discuss"

Of course, you have something to discuss. wtf are you doing? You are this mans fiance.

Are you seriously saying here that your way of handling this situation is by means of ignoring it? You describe yourself as laid back and mature and then throw a tantrum?


"I planned on spending my life with this man and have realized that I cannot. So I'm not exactly thrilled about it. I still love him, but I cannot marry him and will not talk with him right now, is all."

To be honest ... you sound like a spoiled brat.

There are plenty of things in my life I'm not thrilled about, and plenty of things my man does that I'm not thrilled about ... but, stomping my feet dramatically because I don't get my way isn't how a person is suppose to handle their issues.


What the hell are you doing?

"He is convinced I overreacted to all this, and I am convinced I did not."



And I am convinced that you did .. still are.

Partners who have an issue are suppose to address this issue, calmly for resolution ... not remain evasive of an issue, to only blow up in reactionary responses when the issue rears it's ugly head.


You are not ready for a relationship, much less a marriage ... if you don't know this.

Hm.

I am struck by this: "So maybe if he had said "Hold on a minute, someone is asking me a question" I would not have gotten so angry."

Lebelier, be honest with yourself. Is this true? If he had done that, if he had said "Excuse me, someone is trying to get my attention," and it had been this woman and you heard them conversing in the background would it really have been okay? I read your other threads, and I am just wondering. Your first thread went in a direction I don't think you intended it to go, so I am not certain. I do see insecurities here, but it's difficult, because like furryleo, I see your "gripe." What he did was incredibly rude and I don't blame you for getting upset about that aspect, but there seems to be other factors dragged in - the other girl, past gripes, etc, and I think that's why the consensus is that you're blowing this out of proportion. You had every right to be upset about him blowing you off rudely, but it seems very odd that you would break up with him over something so slight.

"We live together but I told him I needed time alone and am over my sister's for now. He has called a lot, but I just don't feel like talking to him now."



That ^^^ was pulled over from your other thread, and it happened a month ago. I would assume that your current stint at your sisters, for now, is a recent event .. for, it would seem obvious that if it was a continuation from a month ago, then his coming to talk to you wouldn't have taken him this long.

There appears to be a pattern. If you get upset with him, you leave him, and refuse to talk to him.

I can see the other side of this, such as other posters have mentioned, but, you cannot control the other side, his side, you can only control your own.


So, I have a question: Why, when the going gets tough, do you run and hide at your sisters, and refuse to discuss the issue with him?

PAngle, I am controlling my side of it. I am leaving. To me, it is a question of compatibility. I do not feel that he will truly listen to my concerns. To him, I am a neurotic, insecure woman. To me, he is incapable of empathizing with me and truly understanding me.

LOL lebelier you passionate Arian woman you 😉


I don't blame you for being jealous cuz I am like that. For no reason.


I agree you feel insecure. What kind of whore dresses in a bikini for a holiday party. Little slut.

Cool off then speak to him.

P-Angel, and others, I wonder ...

I went back to lebelier's threads and re-read and it is startling. I think that what we may be dealing with is an unevolved Scorpio, and yet people are getting on lebelier's case. In her first discussion, she says that he hinted he wanted her to be more exciting. Doesn't anyone find it odd that he says this to lebelier and her subsequent threads about him he seems to be manufacturing drama. And I find it interesting that the one coworker he seems to harp on is a woman who chose to attend a business event in a bikini. Now unless the party was held on the beach, that's extremely daring (in my opinion, rather attention-whorish, but whatever), and ... spontaneous. Just what this man was saying was lacking in Lebelier.

Now if he is a grey lizard, he is doing this in a calculated fashion assuming that Lebelier isn't going anywhere, and now that she has proved him wrong and seems serious this time, he is in panic mode. I can see how she might think that his frantic attempts to contact her is just his way of establishing what he considers his "rightful place."

If he is a scorpion, he might be subconsciously trying to draw her fire to break her out of her insecurity. That seemed to be what others were suggesting on Lebelier's last thread, and then it seemed to go off track. In this case, he may now be panicking because he realizes he may have gone too far, well-intentioned as he may have been.

In any case, this is not an Eagle we're dealing with. According to Lebelier's first thread, he knows of her insecurities and past issues and wanted to help her deal with them. An Eagle Scorpio doesn't say that and then start slyly talking about a bikini babe in his workplace or picking fights. That'd be like me being engaged to a paraplegic who I KNOW has issues about being a paraplegic, and talking about a hot Olympic sprinter who works two feet away from me.

"my guess there is a lot of focus on her...and when it comes ot issues it is all....what issues? i have no issues!"

Furryleo, I tend to agree. My Scorpio was the same and it took my leaving to get him to open up and be honest about his issues. I empathize with Lebelier. I'm an Aries/Taurus cusp and I understand the desire to just call it quits. I think you are right, that these two particular people are not compatible. I think a more evolved Scorpio and a less-insecure Aries would be able to make a go at it, however.

I think this:

If these issues keep repeating themselves, you are doomed to see it in many different guises and why keep fighing the same battle(s) over and over?

hit it right on the head. Well said.

It gets exhausting trying to make a relationship like this 'work'.

lebelier seems to know her heart.

Sure she came here for advice, but some of you just foam at the mouth.

Stay strong girl, this is your life not a fairy tale. You know what you must do.

ArianMilWife, no Aries I have ever known has NOT blown up all at once. Maybe that's why Aries/Water Sign relationships are often fraught with peril. The blowup of an Aries is HUGE and short-lived, something I don't think very many water signs understand or can deal with on a regular basis.

Well, I talked to him briefly. He said he would call my mother and beg her to ask me to talk to him if I did not. My mother has health issues, I consider it a low blow that he would use her, but I didn't want to take the chance. I called him. He said I was overreacting and to come home. He said it bothers him what happened yesterday because I clearly was angry he was talking to a girl and instead of saying that, in his words, I tried to be "slick" and ask who she was when he knew I didn't care who she was. That is when I told him he always does that, when he thinks I am wrong, which is always, he'll tell me this and that. Then I told him we have nothing more to talk about and hung up. I called my mom, told him he and I are over and to please not accept any calls from him. She was confused but said she would listen to me. In retro, I should've done that when he first told me he'd go to her. I wasn't thinking straight. But he wants to blame me for all this and I've had it. It's not all my fault.

Furryleo, I am in Philadelphia. Because of the inauguration and the fact that Obama is coming here tomorrow, travel will be very bad. But since it is a long weekend, maybe on Sunday I can go to friends in New York and stay. I took Tuesday off as well, so could probably stay there until Tuesday night.

Thank you, exactly. I feel that he just wanted to get me on the phone to tell me how awful I am. After I hung up, he texted me "Please come home. I won't call anymore after this." So he is scolding/punishing me again. I guess love blinds you. He is very controlling and manipulative. I see that now.

Yep I think Scorpio's can be very webbie. By that I mean they throw out a web like spiderman. Then when you can't move, they think they have control and you got yourself into the web all by yourself.

The mere fact you two were engaged, he should know that calling your mom, who has health issues, is a loooooow move.

He needs to chill and take time away too.

Stick to it lebe.. Don't get weak and go back (at least right now)... You are making progress.

"what she is saying is....she does not think she can live with this man for a future. so....that is what she thinks. what are you going to change her mind—

why should she get back together with a man who annoys her and she does not feel she is compatible with? what...he proposed so she should do anything to save it?"


That's ^^^ not what I said, nor even suggested it. What I said was, she should confront her problems, rather than go hide at sisters house sulking because her life is fucked up.

She knows that this man is going to come to the sisters house, she knows it because she said he will ... yet, told sister that no drama will be brought to her house.

I'm telling her to TALK to the man to settle this issue .. that in no way is saying to get back with him, if she doesn't want to.

My words were clear.

Two people who have issues TALK about it like adults, instead of stomping off to sisters house ... if she truly wanted to resolve this situation like an adult, then she would talk to this man, and tell him unequivocally where the relatinship stands. But, she doesn't do this .. instead she ignores it/him.


That's sounds like a drama loving person to me, especially when she KNOWS he will give chase.

yes, he seems like an unevolved scorpio. thing is, he doesn't know he is. someone has to talk to him and tell him what he does that hurts other people. you have to communicate your thoughts/feelings in a relationship. running away is only hurting yourself.

All of this really has nothing to do with a bikini girl, or his ex, or any other woman that ((might)) be ... this has everything to do with her own insecurity because Leo left her at the alter.

Until that issue is faced, rather than running to sisters ... this will likely be a reocurring situation.

"but why should anyone MARRY a person who exacerbates those insecurities—"

"she lives with the guy. if i just handed back a ring to a guy...i am not sure i would want to sleep in the same house or bed with him either."




Well, I for one, am not talking about reconciliation, so, I'm unclear why you are promoting a point in which isn't even being pressed. Perhaps, others are pressing this point.


I am only pressing the point that if she was mature ... then she would face her issue rather than run.

Unlike any Aries I know, that's for sure. The only times I've ever heard of a Ram running is when they wanted the other to give chase.

Look, either talk to the man. Or walk away for good. But make a choice. Either way make a mature decision.

P-angel, you are right. In order to be in a relationship I deserve, I need to put jeremy (the Leo) to rest. I also think that in order to be in a relationship that makes him happy, Matt (the Scorpio) needs to face his pain from his cheating ex. I think he subconsciously sabotages those who love him because he feels he doesn't deserve it. I will never forget one of the things he said to me about this ex. He said he gave her chance after chance and the same thing happened (her cheating) and that it finally ended when he told her he'd never loved her. He said he hadn't meant it, he was just angry and frustrated. But he said when he said, she gave this relieved laugh and said something like "Oh, I'm so glad, because everytime I had to say it to you, I felt like god was going to strike me down." And he said he looked in her eyes and could tell she meant it, that she never loved him and that after that day, he never spoke to her again.

Unlike jeremy, Matt is a good man with a good heart. Just because he's not the right man for me doesn't mean he's an asshole. But he needs to get right with the pain that girl caused him or he will punish every girl that comes after her and I have to put jeremy to rest for once and for all.

Queenscorpio, I told him in our phone conversation earlier today that I had nothing more to say. For me, that is that. He said he would not call and text anymore, but he has done both in the last 30 minutes. I don't know how I can make it clearer to him that I am done talking. I am open to any advice. If you were in his situation, what would make you understand that a relationship was done and talking was not going to happen?

Furryleo, you have again hit it on the head. I apologize to others if my words are muddied or if I am not clear, but furryleo is saying what I mean to say, exactly.

I really appreciate everyone who commented here. I pointed this site out to my sister and brother and law (a Cancer/Aquarius couple!) and they are amazed that total strangers take so much time to help each other. So thank you all, very much.

Ahhh, a nice hot bath sounds wonderful. He's a lucky crab, furryleo! Have a great weekend. Lol, I know I could've kept the ring, but I'm not really that vindictive. 🙂

everyone has insecurities...everyone. but why should anyone MARRY a person who exacerbates those insecurities—

Ding Ding Ding...that is the most important question I have seen on this thread

omg, what happened?!

""the whole scenario is total bs..how can you be living with someone, be engaged, have a blow-up, give the ring back, leave the house, end of story....totally weird scenario""

- ahhh, i see.


i agree, that's awfully odd. something must be missing from the story.

She just had enough. I don't think there's anything strange in that.

Well when a woman has reached her pain threshold and made up her mind about a man, that is the reaction most women have, they aren't crying and slobbering all over themselves because she most likely has done everything in her power to maintain a healthy relationship, she is DONE with his BS and most times when a person is 200% done he/she doesn't second guess it, they simply walk away, this relationship is causing her stress and it's toxic FOR HER so she's done, not sure why she's getting beat up over an adult decision she has made for herself, a ring isn't worth emotional instability, this guy loves drama and she doesn't love it and because he loves it, he CAUSES unnecessary pain and drama, she did the right thing for herself, give him back his ring until they can either come to a compromise or completely move on from each other.