How do you know when to give up and start over?

How do you when to give up and start over especially when there are kids involved?

Just do it...especially when there is turmoil in the home--it's not good for the children. Enable him to have a relationship with them and most importantly get child support! All the while you are doing this ensure your children that both parents love them and make this as smooth a transition as possible. It's the children who matter in all this.

I said all that above if leaving is your last resort--you've done everything you can to save the relationship but it's beyond saving.

I wish nothing but the best for you and your children.

I agree with Gemstar!!!

Thank you i appreciate your advice. I'm asking this because we work well together but I'm not in love with him. Everytime i think I'm falling back in love with him something stops it from happening. He is a great dad. I would never keep him from his kids. Our kids are the most important thing to us in the whole world. I want us to work but my guard is up so high i don't know if i'll ever lower it again. I don't want to be anyone's fool.

@ Taurus Diva, That is your intuition kicking in....They offered you some great advice, some I am not going to repeat...Maybe your intuition is not letting you fall back in love, because MAYBE, there is none left....My 2 cents🙂

I ditto GemStar.

My story: controlling and verbally abusive ex. I finally forced him to go to counseling at threat of divorce (we WILL get counseling and see if we can fix this or it WILL end in divorce). He grudgingly went for a month and then stopped. That was the final answer I needed to shut the door in my mind. The nasty fights only got worse and worse and there was no sign that they would get better. So, what else is there to do but end it? I don't think it's healthy for the kids to grow up thinking that's normal relationship behavior. It hurts them in the short term but I think long term it will be better for them.

I knew absolutely it was over when I knew I was cheated on. There were other factors leading up to it that also factored in, but the cheating was the last straw. That pain is absolute. Lays waste to your self esteem, your world falls out from underneath you.

I would say it was a lock when I realized that his side was more important to him than his wife of over a decade and our children.

If all avenues are exhausted be prepared to grieve. The end of a relationship has all the psychological impact of a death.

Make sure the children are not only included but make it absolutely crystal clear to them that BOTH parents hold nothing for them but love.
Keep scheduling, meals ,schooling and activities the same if you can. Structure and routine are vital and reassuring.
Never and I mean never badmouth the other parent in front of them.
Children are not fools and they can sense shift of current well. Love and honesty, with more love.

Accept that you are fragile right now. Try not to lay blame and shoulder all of it. Takes two to tango and my God do we feel it's all our fault. It's not.

Look in that mirror and remind yourself how beautiful you are. Inside and out. You did your best.

Do not enter into any sort of anything smacking of a relationship for some time. Now is the time for reflection, learning and making peace with yourself.

Chin up. Hold those babies. You stood once, you will stand again.

I come from a broken home.

My mother cheated constantly and my dad always took her back. This was all done and talked all the time, it was inevitably for me not to see/hear about it.

I prayed constantly they'd just get a divorce, because I couldn't stand the bitterness between them, the scandals. Children truly absorb everything.

Please get a divorce in time for your children to not grow up with a distorted view of reality. My parents took 10 years from when the cheating began til they finally divorced.

TaurusDiva77,

If he is abusive then end it. don't prolong your suffering. If it is not the issue. Please work it out.

I believe in marriage.

I agree with VB as my situation was the same. My ex was a good dad too, but he wasn't a very good husband which skewed it all...and I stayed in a lot longer for them.

If you feel you can honestly say that you gave it your all and would not feel guilty walking away from the marriage then I would say you might be ready. If you are still having doubts, perhaps you are not ready yet.

My story is similar to MoonArtist's. When I finally realized I wasn't in love with him anymore, he wasn't willing to do the things I asked to help make our relationship better, & I felt I had done all I could do...that's when I knew it was over. I think my children are far better off for it too. We no longer fight. The tension is gone. It was the right choice.

I don't have any children, (so I will not give advice).... but I'm still interested in hearing the OP's entire story. I will have to agree with MilkySoft, there is no real explanation as to what led to the demise of her marriage.

I really wish mine had been a simple "life got both of us busy and the mundane took the zing away" situation. That's fixable, in my opinion, and just a matter of making the time and getting the passion back. For me it was a matter of knowing that it had run into the ground and was only going to get worse. It was just a matter of time before it got physical. He'd threatened to shoot my horses, cocked a fist a few times but hadn't crossed the line, yet. I'm very glad that I made the decision to get out. He's still mad as hell and still an epic asshole but I don't have to live with him or talk to him often. It's such a relief!

Posted by MilkySoft
Just wondering why everyone is so quick to tell her to end it, with examples of cheating and abuse when she hasn't said there is any of that in her relationship? She says he is a great father, hasn't mentioned any turmoil in the home.

I'm actually in favor of saving a marriage if it is at all salvageable (no mental or physical abuse, no cheating, no one is mentally ill and causing harm to the children, etc).

Posted by TaurusDiva77
I want us to work but my guard is up so high i don't know if i'll ever lower it again. I don't want to be anyone's fool.

Does this mean you -have- been deceived by him? What kind of events or feelings make you feel "blocked" from falling in love with him?

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I don't think folks were quick to say leave. There were a few who said to seek counseling and also leave as a last resort... I happen to believe in marriage but I don't believe in being stupid. Most importantly I don't believe in putting my children through mess that could affect them for life.