Thoughts needed on an email from a Virgo male

Hello All

I need your thoughts/perspective on an email I received from a Virgo man.

We have been seeing/emailing each other since March. We went out on three dates so far and one date resulted in us making out and him shutting down.

Here's the play by play:

Tuesday, 4/20 ? he sent an email to cheer me up because I was having a bad day; later that day he called me to see if I was okay and then asked me out for Friday (couple setting) & Sunday (group setting) since he couldn't wait to see me for our date on 5/24 (side note: we planned the 5/24 date in early April! ? I guess that's a Virgo thing?)

Wednesday, 4/21 ? we exchanged ?I can't wait to see you? emails

Thursday, 4/22 ? we finalize the details on our Friday date

Friday, 4/23 ? the big date
-Included great conversation, good food, laughter, a lot of ?I'm so glad that you are here!,? he opened the car door and even gave me a compliment (he did not do this on our previous dates)
-We spent time on the deck where the silence was golden and refreshing and the landscape impeccable; he spent the time holding and caressing me and staring at me constantly; I felt very well taken care of and even spoiled a bit, which I mentioned throughout the night and his reply was ?good ? I want to spoil you.?
-After a significant time of cuddling we began making out which I thought he was too shy and too reserved to do but he passionately kissed me and although I was shocked, I loved it! He mentioned his satisfaction while I caressed him and even talked about being on a high.
-Later that evening I met his parents and they were warm and welcoming and they knew a lot about me which took me back a little but it also made me feel special because he was talking about me.
-In addition, he took my picture which I thought was odd ? perhaps this is in the same vein as the Virgo stare? He asked me out for Friday, 5/2 and said throughout the night that he wished I lived closer.
-After his parents left we began cuddling some more and he passionately led me to the bedroom. More cuddling continued however, I physically and mentally felt him shut down and then he began saying he was sleepy and gently escorted me to the car. I didn't address his immediate shut down but I felt it, because it literally felt like a wall. See the second post for more...

Saturday, 4/24 ? the email
-In the morning he sent me the following email:

I just wanted to write to thank you for a wonderful evening. It was great spending all that time with you. I am glad you enjoyed the place we ate. I enjoyed the rest of the evening also. You're a great cuddler. But, I think things did go a little fast. Since I am not sure whether I want any more than a good friendship between us, I would like to take it slower. The last thing I want to do is loose you as a good friend. I just don't want things to get ahead of themselves and I get to a point where I start to feel uncomfortable. Just like you, I think I was caught up in the evening. Since, I am fairly new to the whole dating scene, my emotions took over a little more than I wanted. Also, since I am just in the dating stage I have been dating others.

-My response:

I understand and agree whole heartedly. As always, thank you for your honesty.

-My second response:
I feel the need to apologize...although I had a wonderful time, I did not want things to go as fast as they did. So I'm sorry for not practicing self control physically and/or emotionally. Ultimately I do not want to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. That's not my goal, that's actually my fear. So I apologize again. Chat with you later!

-In addition, he canceled our group date on Sunday

So my questions for you are:
-What are your immediate thoughts?
-How do I proceed?
-I feel rejected, should I? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing.
-Do you think he will cancel our date this Friday?
-How do you read this Virgo male?
Thanks All!

Well i'm not a virgo guy so i could be slightly off (virgo girl), but I think he genuinely likes you and as he's new to the scene again he doesn't want this to be a flurry that doesn't last, and have you or him feel like you were used as a rebound.

He obviously respects you enough to distance himself while he sorts himself out before things go too far and he risks hurting you if it all gets too much. It probably also shocked him somewhat the ease with which it happened with you - sounds like it caught him offguard and that will generally make a virgo feel uncomfortable.

Another possibility is that he has gone away and thought about things and is now unsure that he's ready for a relationship, so he could be gently pushing you away while he works on what's going on inside him. Virgo guys are also very well known for doing the "push-pull" thing, they come on then back off and keep repeating this cycle. It seems to be what they do while they figure out what they want, and whether they think you're the woman for them or not. By the way I think you responded very well, I hope it works out for you 🙂

Don't worry LovesGrandma. He likes you... so much that he's losing himself around you. He's just scared and doing the push-pull thing. It will take a while. In the meantime do not change, do not step back, do not step forward. Just be yourself, relax and assure him that you'll be there for the long run. Virgos are extremely smart guys. He'll get the message and finally fall in your hands.

Great advice ladies. I really appreciate your insight and encouraging words. I'm going to hang in there as long as I can. Plenty of Blessings!

Thanks for your advice. I'm a gemini. Born 6-1.

Did the Virgo give any reason for cancelling the group date on Saturday?

About him shutting down in the bedroom, what was your state of mind? Were you in the "good to go" mood, or not ready for it? If he felt so much as a smidgen of reluctance on your part, it would be totally predictable that a virguy on the first few dates would back right the hell off from pushing you further.

BTW, he exhibits classic virgo gentlemenlike attributes, and I laughed at the 'landscape impeccable' comment!!!

Yes, he canceled because he wanted to spend time with his family.

As far as shutting down in the bedroom?I definitely did not want it to lead to intercourse. However, I did want to caress, cuddle and kiss him and vice versa. Actually I continued touching him and he stopped. So I guess he did feel a little reluctance from me. I really didn't think about it like that. Good insight. Thank you.

Side note: He actually confessed to planning our date and setting up the plans in a word document. How funny and cute is that?!

He is a great guy and that's an understatement. However, I will describe my Gemini self as the most impatient person you have every met. So I have a lot to learn and can hopefully hold out because I am anything but slow moving.

Okay, it's Wednesday and I haven't heard from him. I guess by tomorrow if he does not reach out, then our Friday date is cancelled. I feel like I'm dying a slow death. But I have to be patient, right?

:0

But I have to be patient, right?

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Yes - You must. Do this - go for shopping for me . That will keep you busy and away from him.
After all he is not the only one on the earth and there are many better and beautiful things to visit/do etc. :-).

Oh these virgos...

I wish I can reprogram all of them! No EXCEPTION :-)

cappysweetie,

I just visited your profile. I liked reading it, pretty funny.!

I say with your potential virgo, keep your hopes high.. I do not think I need to tell u much , you are a smart cappy...

Caprigirl

I really appreciate you telling me that he is not the only one on the earth and that there are many beautiful things to visit/do...I've started to forsake all the simple things that provided me joy because of my disappointment of him not calling or emailing me...no man is worth losing my joy. So thanks!

Lovesgrandma,

Good job. No problem, any time.
No need to screw up your head because of a virgo! for that matter any one!

LovesGrandma .. something really jumped out at me about his email to you the next morning .. something in which I don't think should be overlooked, when it's reviewed within intentions within human behaviour.

Certainly, what the others have said about being patient, and him being a gentlemen ... are true .. however .... I disagree with what has been said that he really likes you. I think if this is looked at in reverse, then it would become apparant that he's blowing you off. Or, if he isn't blowing you off .. he's certainly not considering you for a deeper relationship.

I know for a fact that Virgos (especially the men) have an insecurity about not being worthy enough for someone they consider honorable, and this is the cause for their withdrawing .. so they can analyze if they are capable and adequate enough to be a partner to the person to whom they cherish. And in knowing they have this huge insecurity which causes them to distance themselves .... IF the woman they were analyzing told them, just after a sexual rejection that she was seeing other men .... he would go into overload .. this would send all kinds of signals to them to suggest that you are NOT the one.

Certainly, to be dating other people is acceptable IF it is said to a person up-front .. however, if this is said to the other person just after they've been rejected for sex .. it is in essence saying .. sorry, you're not the one. In my mind, this was totally unacceptable timing on his part, for it was done with intentions of telling you you don't mean enough to me because there are others.

I'm telling you ... if this were the other way around, and you didn't tell him about other men you were dating beforehand, and then used this dating of other men as justification as to why you couldn't sleep with him after you rejected him, LovesGrandma ... he would drop your ass like a bad habit, because he would comprehend that this was a blow-off.

Girls do it all the time .. they will date around, but, as soon as the guy wants to roll in the hay, IF she isn't interested in sleeping with him .. her line is, "Sorry, I'm seeing someone else".


Classic blow-off ....

Don't just be looking at this for what you WANT it to be .... look at it for what it is. There's is absolutely no other reason for him to tell you that at that time ..... if he was serious and really liked you, he would have just left it with, "We are moving too fast."

Okay, you are freakin' genius! It took me several reads to ?get it? but now I do?my two cents?

?Certainly, to be dating other people is acceptable IF it is said to a person up-front .. however, if this is said to the other person just after they've been rejected for sex .. it is in essence saying .. sorry, you're not the one. In my mind, this was totally unacceptable timing on his part, for it was done with intentions of telling you you don't mean enough to me because there are others.?

First, I definitely did not want to have sex but I did push for more kisses and caressing which could have signaled that I wanted more from him or wanted sex. Neither he or I mentioned anything about seeing other people nor did we mention past relationships. All in all it's frustrating and his timing was unacceptable. I had no indication that he was ?dating,? none! That's why it threw me for a loop.

?I'm telling you ... if this were the other way around, and you didn't tell him about other men you were dating beforehand, and then used this dating of other men as justification as to why you couldn't sleep with him after you rejected him, LovesGrandma ... he would drop your ass like a bad habit, because he would comprehend that this was a blow-off.?

TELL THE TRUTH! You are so right! Classic blow-off. Why didn't I think of this?! Seriously, who ends an email to someone they are interested in with the following words after a great date ?I have been dating others.? As you stated he simply could have left it at ?We are moving too fast.? I'm so grateful that you thought about it more and decided to write. Words can not express my appreciation. I guess I was thrown for a loop because of his words and his actions. I still don't get meeting the parents and taking my picture. Do you? Or did he realize towards the end of the night or perhaps that morning that I am not the one. Also to make matters worst, I am of a different race than he. His parents wasn't put off by it but you never know what tney thought when I left. So this too can be a major factor in it as well. If you think of anything else, please write. Thanks again!

His parents wasn't put off by it but you never know what tney thought when I left. So this too can be a major factor in it as well.
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Lovesgrandma..

I would say, this is a MAJOR possibility because with virgos, they seek approval from friends AND family. In particular, if his parents would have given him a slighest negative feedback about u, that can make a virgo think or doubt so much.

In my case, his dad loved me more than him. So he was scared and bit suspecious about why would his dad like me so much? He was actually pretty sarcastic. Me and his dad form a great team when we have to "teach a lesson" to a virgo. His dad is Taurus!

I did not know that! Very interesting! Just because I'm okay with crossing the line doesn't mean that others are as well. This Virgo guy is very much into his family. That's a part of the attraction. He is just as close to his parents as I am. I should have mentioned race earlier...it just never occurred to me because I do not think in those terms besides he asked me out...so I thought he was okay with it.

Very good point. Thanks!

so I thought he was okay with it.
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Nope - no assuptions when V's are involved.

"they seek approval"


No question about that ... and not just family and friends, also society. Virgo's are the people who must have everything "presentable" for approval. So, if your race being different wasn't accepted by his parents, then he would indeed change his positioning with you because a Virgo MUST have an impression of others as being proper.

There's no way to know if this is the case, though ... for you said that his parents seemed pleasant.

Whatever happened, or whatever his thoughts, or feelings were .. I just don't think it should be overlooked that he ended his message by referencing other women. There was simply no reason for it if his concern was just moving too fast.

How about your date? On Wednesday 4/30 you said in here that you haven't heard from him yet about your date. Did he ever contact you, or come through with that date?

Wow, I'm learning a lot?

Okay, so he cancelled the group date on 4/27 because of family reasons and he did not contact me at all regarding our one-on-one date on 5/2. This past Sunday, the 4th, I sent him a one liner email that stated ?I was just thinking of you?hope you are well.? He replied back discussing his family and his plans with his family and then he ended with ?See you on Thursday!!? We are both a part of a social group that meets regularly and we have another event this Thursday. So it will be interesting to see how he acts on Thursday and eventually see if we still have a date for Saturday, 5/24 which was planned before our make out session.

Here's the latest...I would really like to know your thoughts...

I sent the following email to him after the social group:

Yesterday more than ever I realized that I want to be more than friends with you. After a few sleepless nights, thinking and getting mad at myself about how I begged for 24 minutes of your time, I realized that I wanted and desired more from you. As you know I am a reader and one of the many books I am reading is called ?Boundaries in Dating.? The first chapter talks about requiring and embodying truth, all of which I want to incorporate in all areas of my life. With that said, I wanted to write to let you know that I have been deceiving you. I have been deceiving you in my heart and with my actions?I have been pretending to be your friend but in reality, I simply can not be friends with you because I desire more. To further help in my explanation here's a quote from the book:

?There is nothing wrong with being friends and getting to know another person to see what kind of relationship you are going to have. Sometimes relationships that begin as friendships turn into more and are some of the best long-term relationships. But that is different than having clear designs on someone and deceiving them long-term while you have another agenda. Don't act like a friend that you are not. The best way is to ask yourself, ?What will happen if this does not end like I desire?? If you can honestly say that you will be very happy continuing to be friends and will love the person as a friend, then you are being honest. If you say, ?If they do not want me back like I want them, I do not care about being ?friends' at all, then your friendship is a scam.?


In reading this paragraph, I realized that my friendship/relationship with you is a scam and I no longer want to mislead you or myself. I do desire more and that's okay but what's not okay is to pretend and deceive myself and you that I can handle being a ?good friend? when I secretly can not.

**please read more of the email below**

So in conclusion, I realize that if I expect someone to embody the truth, I have to as well?so here goes?while I have appreciated your honesty, I have to be honest in stating that I was hurt by your ?let's slow down ? I have been dating others? email. For one, I didn't see it coming. Your actions and words the night before were contradicting to your email. Second, I wasn't sure if you were blowing me off. As a result, I felt rejected. Third, I wished you would have expressed what you wrote in the email before we made out and perhaps I wouldn't be wounded emotionally and/or spoiled rotten. I'm not blaming you, I'm just being honest (and embodying the truth) about my feelings which you deserve to know and are mature enough to handle. Fourth and most important, until I can truly be your friend without any hidden agenda or hope, I rather us not get together alone but continue to meet in a group setting.

As I stated in a previous email my goal is not to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable so please receive this in the spirit of maturity, responsibility, self-awareness, honesty and hopefully one day friendship!

His response:

First off I wanted to apologize for Thursday. I really needed to get back to work on a computer that I had gotten from someone Sunday. I did end up spending the rest of the evening working. When I planned to go for an hour (and ended up there for 2 hours) and come back to work, I honestly hadn't thought it would work out the way it did.

Thank you for your honesty. I hope you know I am being just as honest. I am very sorry about the evening you were here. For someone who is just getting out more and dating really for the first time ever, I did not want to get serious right away. I think also because of how new an experience of dating and meeting women, I did not (but should have) set some personal boundaries. The last thing I wanted to do was get into a situation like this one. I do enjoy laughing and talking with you, but if I had set those personal boundaries, I wouldn't have misled you like I did.

One last thing. I am aware of what you said about just meeting in a group setting, but do you still want to keep the 24th and 31st on the calendar?

**Now...what are your thoughts?**

I think he is just insecure and is afraid to make a mistake. The last sentence of his email is a positive remark, he wants to see you and spend time with you no matter what. In this case, stop that "I can not be your friend because I want more" BS, and be the best friend that he can ever have. He needs your help, to believe that he can take this step with you. Keep things light, stay away from increasing the emotional tension. That will definitely scare him away and when they're scared, they shut down their heart and move with their heads and you will not have any chance of beating that.

Mine has done the same thing when I told him a very similar story. I confessed that I loved him but I could not say it for a long time (because we were working in the same office and because of our positions it would not be ethical to date him) so I felt like I deceived him. He went MIA. After a very long period of silence (a couple of months) I wes able to re-establish our communication with him "as friends", but he kept his boundaries for a while longer. In this second phase, he was letting me express my love, but not responsive. But he wanted me around him and was fine with my contacts. this period also took about 3 months and only after that he let his barriers down and told me that he want to be more than friends! (Just about time I say, because I was so close to quitting!!) 🙂

I will definitely stay away from increasing the emotional tension...for my sanity most of all. To be honest, I do not know how you can deal with the pull-push thing for MONTHS. You are definitely more patient than I am. I'm really glad things are going so well for you. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

love4ever has been doing this for a couple years, Grandma, not months.



To your update ... his message was loud and clear in my mind ..

"The last thing I wanted to do was get into a situation like this one. I do enjoy laughing and talking with you, but if I had set those personal boundaries, I wouldn't have misled you like I did."


The last thing he wanted was this situation with you, Grandma, because he realizes now that if he set his personal boundaries then he wouldn't have misled you.

Misled you means ... he made you believe he wanted feelings like the ones you are feeling for him, and he realizes this was a mistake.

I absolutley do NOT agree with what love4ever said .. "He needs your help, to believe that he can take this step with you." .. nowhere in his message does it suggest this. He was straight-forward and very informative about how he feels about this .. and nowhere does it even remotely suggest that he is in need of help to take the next step with you. Though, all viewpoints are valid and I'm not meaning to throw hers out .. however, his response does not say this, and to hang onto something in fantasy simply because you want it to be so, will only injure you more rather than bring clarity to you.

Of course that's not to say that someday he will be ready for something more because he could .. we all re-think things, or change our desires, and he still wants to keep dates with you .. so, he hasn't completely abandoned the idea of getting to know you better. However, his message as it stands, is an apology to you for leading you on in a direction in which he had never intended to go and so in hindsight realizes he should have set boundaries against becoming so close to you.

Sorry to say all this, for I know your heart wants to believe that he feels the same for you, Grandma .. but, that's what his message says.

Additionally, he never addressed the other women he's dating, eventhough you commented on them, which is an indication that he doesn't warrant this your business to discuss.

The writing is all over the wall on this one, I'm afraid ... in your position, I would bail out now before the heart got further invested.

How do I bail out? What should I say? This hurts a little...the last thing I wanted was to fall for guy and especially one that does not feel the same about me.

Thanks Mike! I really appreciate it. Blessings!

LG: Middle-aged Virgo Male chiming in...

He's not stringing you along... I just don't want things to get ahead of themselves and I get to a point where I start to feel uncomfortable.

We are cautious dudes! His confessing this to you means he Trusts & Respects YOU as a person - not just Some Woman he's dating.

...I am just in the dating stage I have been dating others.

Another Honest Statement he did not have to make, but chose to so that there's no secrets between you two.

Thank you for your honesty. I hope you know I am being just as honest.

We are generally honest to a fault - and often to our own disadvantage, since many people are much less honest in the Dating Game (which is NOT a game to us!).

...I did not want to get serious right away.

Translation: He's dating other women, but you made a powerful impression on him, and he doesn't mind stating that fact, either. He sees that he could get serious with you, and quicker than he really wants to, and that will almost always (like, 98.5% of the time) perform that legendary Virgo Males Withdrawal.

I do enjoy laughing and talking with you, but if I had set those personal boundaries, I wouldn't have misled you like I did.

This statement TROUBLES me! He's very insecure. He doesn't think he's ready for you - not because you're bad, but because he feals inadequate. I'd never dated a Scorpio before my Debra bulldozed into my life, and I'm probably older than your VirGuy (going on 48!), so I can sympathize with where he is... I don't know, LG... If you want him, you're gonna have to ply your Mercury communication skills to help guide him - slowly, daily, steadily build up his confidence in his ability to craft a relationship with you... UH... it ain't gonna be easy!

I am aware of what you said about just meeting in a group setting, but do you still want to keep the 24th and 31st on the calendar?

Despite his inner struggles, he still wants to be with you, and that's a very good sign - especially if you want an LTR with him (and, we almost always think LTR, even at the start of the dating process).

Once Again: IMHO, he is not leading you on. Instead, he's just being a Typical (younger) Virgo Male...

~DyarStra?e

give him time . don't call him , e mail him for a while . he will come back with a more clear mind .I think there's hope for this relationship , but it won t be easy .do you think he is worth this ? This is the question you have to find the answer of .

That's the million dollar question: "Is he worth this?"