Chat

Hello luvvies,

My bf is right into internet chatting, he makes no secret of it BUT his computer stores conversations and i have been reading like evry single one and i?m sat here feeling fucking sick. Since we have been together it doesnt seem like he has met up with any of the bitches, but i just dont see why this kinda thing is necessary when you have a "real" relationship. I think i?m quite right to be paranoid, we live in a small city and im pissed off that these fuckers walk past us in the street and are thinking "ha, im cybering with your bf" like its some kind of fucking joke. He?s with me almost 24/7, and in all honesty its just too much already, ive told him to go away until Sunday so that i can have some peace. Hmmm, what to do. Im going to tell him to stop it, or we?re finished (in the Libra fashion of course), but i cant find the right words!!

Any experiences??

Does he know you know he does it?
Because if not then there is going to be a back lash of some kind. If you have just gone into his stuff and read his mails(not judging I cant say I mightn do the same)he will be furious!!!!!!!!!!
Espeically fi teh fact he was even doin it was private. tehn when you go to confront him he'll turn it all abck on you calling you possesive and nosey and you'll end up being the bad guy..and probably the one who gets the shove!!!!
Well I don't know for sure but that's how it plays out in my mind

Well, he uses the computer when he?s next to me, so its not like he gets up in the middle of the night and does it!!! He says its just fun, and he?s got real eye for the ladies. I?m truly not the jealous type, and im not SO attached that i couldnt leave and maybe i just dont get it?? I like these boards and converse every now and then with some of the people, but i just dont like the whole living life online scenario. Of course he wont know that im reading everything, and i wont ever tell, but its exactly how i found out my bf of 7 fucking years was cheating on me. Its all talk (im convinced, but i dont know for sure).

I have just told him to leave me alone until Sunday, i dont want to talk, only think. He says he?ll come round and oick up some of his things, but i just dont want to see him at all.

I wouldnt like to make a person feel like they had to resort to an invasion of privacy. If i have a bf, i deal with him, not with a constant eye on the opposite sex. Give me a fucking break, is he respecting me?? I think not, and therefore i am 100% within my rights to look for the goods. Players play the player, im just too fucking clever, always 1 step ahead of the game. He can do what he likes of course, but if im hurt or upset i?ll do anything to fix it.

Sola,

Have you shared your feelings with him about how this makes you feel and that you would prefer he discontinue his online chatting?

If you have and he agreed to your wishes however continues to do so, then yes, he is disrespecting you.

If you have not yet spoken with him about this issue then he has no idea how you are feeling about it and cannot take the appropriate action.

Now with all due respect... you have also disrespected him by going through and reading his stored convos. You two seem to be "mirroring" each other.

Yeah Vanessa, but i want to wait until i can say it all without crying. I cant eat, even though i?m not nervous, and he was so angry when he came for his stuff, saying i shouldnt tell him i love him one minute and then ask for space the next..it was horrible.

But then how horrible is it for me to see what my supposed bf says to other girls "?qu? linda estas?" or "?quieres encontrarse un dia?"..i dont care whether or not its face-to-face, it?s fucking disgusting, and guaranteed that if the shoe was on the other foot, i?d have been dumped on the spot!

I dont understand why he thinks he needs it, maybe its the whole "freedom" thing, but that?s just not a good enough excuse, and then telling me he loves me all the time and that he wants to share his life with me, invitations to visit his family etc..i must look really fucking stupid??

I asked him to stop, because he told me that some nights he doesnt even go to bed, its an addiction. I didnt go looking for his private things, but he took me to a bar where one of the online girls works and then told me later that she and him "chat" online (I even hate using this fucking jargon) so then i just thought i would look and see what he?s really up to...and now i know.

Give the man a dayum break and Sola no disrespect but you have way too much time on your hands. He has an online fixation, now days who really doesn't. If he's with you all the time then those women are the stupid ones NOT YOU. Your the one that has him 99% of the time, not them, no relationship is perfect and sorry to say he's not going to stop chatting with women so your basically single again.

Depends on what he's doing, if it's innocent fair enough everyone has online friends in this day and age. But if there's more to it kick him to the curb, this happened to me with my Aqua ex a few years back - I let it go and it eventually progressed into him phoning these girls and sending dirty pictures.

Yes I dumped him, best thing I ever did.

he can chat online as much as he wants and until she has proof he's doing more then what she THINKS he may do she should relax and let it go. I'm sure his other qualities out weigh his desire to chat and whoop it up with other people online.

He's not making any of it a secret, Sola is being insecure. The very fact that she has to check behind him after he's made it clear that he's online chatting screams mistrust and insecure and he should be the one dumping her if anyone does the dumping. Try trust, trust him until you SEE something that says you shouldn't. You chose this man to be in your life now your testing his character well thats something you should have done before you opted to be his woman.

There was no reason for her to check behind him UNLESS he's giving her reason to do it. To ask him to stop doing something he loves to do will push him into doing it behind her back. There is no clear answer for this because he's done nothing wrong but use his imagination and waste idle time online talking to needy clingy girls that probably have there own boyfriends and looking for a bit of an escape.

They aren't married, they are dating

Vanessa126 your age shows, some of you 20something women want everything to be PERFECT, nothing and no one is perfect. I wish I knew back when I was in my 20's what I now know in my 30's, I let good men go because I simply didn't have the knowledge I have now to deal with issues such as this....

Sola work it out unless you feel the need to let it go which I doubt, your just angry right now. For me unless I see a conversation were he's actually hooking up then theres no harm in chatting, no you shouldn't have to wait for him to cheat but I'm sure if he wanted to do something with a woman he could do it online or offline, he's probably been chatting with these girls way before you showed up and if he had something more than an online chat you would know it by now. Someone in that small town would hip you to it, you have nothing to worry about.

If anyone not just Sola but any woman has to check behind her man then she should question why she's with him. This man wasn't being sneaky he made it clear he chats online and let Sola tell it she already knew he did it b/c he made it clear he chats...a bad boy will HIDE everything, tell you NOTHING, if he was a snake he would go behind her back but that simply isn't the case, he's being open but her snooping will make him shut down.

He's not sleeping with the women, he's chatting and shooting the shit with them...find something else to dump a man over.

So if your 40 then your desperate and should take abuse? LOL! Yeah okay

I may be contradicting myself but you come off as very naive

How the hell do you keep getting into his computer is what I'm thinking? Seriously, does he just leave all these things open and then sits you down goes "Here read it"? This is hilarious I tells ya!

ugh. there are a few things wrong here:

while i totally agree that sola should respect her man's privacy, the fact that he *feels the need* (NEED is the key word, here) is a red flag, as harmless as it may seem on the surface. i'm not sure i would dump him over it, but it would be a notch in the peg, if that makes any sense.

it is something to think about. i would probably just sit back for awhile and see what happens. look for other signs. there is nothing you can do to make him stop. i would be more interested in the fact that has the desire to do it rather than the fact that he does it. it would also depend on what kind of chatting is going on. while some things are harmless, secret encounters and bringing you home an std or god knows what else is not.

Are you with the same Sagittarius?

Vanessa call it what you want those who know me around this board know what I am and know i'm not even close to being desperate LOL!! But if you feel I appear that way I won't tell you your wrong.

I am not going to argue over this with you, I'm not here to insult you, I apologize if I did and I understand what your saying but I don't really think you read well nor comprehend were I'm coming from, so I think its best we don't address one another anymore.

Sola will know how to deal with it as Aquapixie put it as things progress, right now he's done nothing but chat. Sola hasn't said this man is online having sex talk, she said he chats, each person will deal with there issues as they come, I handle mine the way I need to and I'm sure Sola will do the same. Sola pointed out that she knew he chatted with women online yet allowed it for some reason so he's not a completely dishonest jerk becasue...if she read something disturbing then yes of course take action but there is a difference between laughing, chatting, flirting and have fun then hooking up and sex talk. Only Sola can decide if he crossed the line and I believe thats why she asked him for some time to figure things out for herself.

That may be true LK but I also feel like Sola isn't overlooking, she was fully aware he chatted with women online, he never hid that fact and now she knows the nature of the chatting its up to her to decide if he crossed boundaries....if you look around these boards, the younger ones deal with BS I wouldn't even dream about dealing with, we all have our limitations and boundaries.

i am with leokitten on this one! i would not overlook this! it gives me the creeps, and if it's giving you that "certain little nudge", sola, then you shouldn't overlook it either!

The last thing i am is desperate and neither do i have too much time on my hands, being a professional, bi-lingual teacher and all that.

Thanks to all positive posters here, he came and collected his stuff, he shouted and i cried. Well, thats what happens when you leave your MSN unblocked in your gf?s house, and Y?ALL know you?d exactly the same thing. He doesnt use sex talk, he doesnt really talk about particular stuff, but if i told him i was going to post slutty photo?s of myself on the internet and to start "chat" relationships, it would be bye-bye. When he took me to that bar where one of the bitches (all Spanish women) worked, i didnt even think about it because she was a fat, ugly monstrosity, and therefore, whatever.


Instincts are 99% justified so i have to protect myself. There are basically no other problems, we have fun, have separate friends of course and we have busy working lives, and the rest is spent together. Its for this reason alone that i dont understand this need for him to have a separate self, what he has already isnt enough, and true he can do what the fuck he wants, when he wants, but not when he?s sleeping in my bed (daytime hours maybe he has siesta)??!!!

He has sent me 3 messages already today, "Miss you, How are you, Love you", it?s a fucking joke. He has two hours to come and take his toothbrush and P.J?S or it goes in the bin, (intentionally left behind as an excuse to come round again i?m sure).

I feel sick and massively disappointed. Not jealous or upset.

"I dated Aquarian men also who cheated on me. One of them was SO SO VERY SNEAKY though. I had no clue until one day something "dawned" on me & I started going thru his things & found out ALOT. He was a cheater AND a liar (and sometimes he lied thru "omission") - two more Aquarian guys I dated were BONAFIDE CHEATERS"

Copied from somewhere as an appropriate statement!!

No i didnt Starfish..i deliberately kept a distance, and for me there is no lesson, i told him early that it was going to be difficult for me to develop any kind of romantic relationship with him and it was because I am demanding, have high expectations, am distant etc. He gave me everything too soon and even now he?s trying, all the doubts are my own..he has no problems with me.

Disappointment is the worst kind of let-down because i can only blame myself, and i do..he is not responsible for my feelings, I am. But i would have preferred to have gone separate ways because of a shared problem that we couldnt fix, not for the sake of online sluts.

You know Sola...I think you've grown🙂


As for chatting: Its another way to get your attention fix, sometimes thats all.

BUT the close proximity he has to these women makes him more susceptible to getting caught up in the hype.


Text Messaging (this one for sure), voicemail, IM, etc...will be the death of most relationships...
So many people keep getting caught up and caught, tsk tsk.

"tiki...i think what she is expressing is that she cannot overlook it and now she needs to vent and take a few days to make the had decision she knows she has to make. never quite so easy is it to let go? even if you have a reason."

Thats what I said LK in my post, were saying the same things, i'm going to punch it up to my mini novels not being read and me not expressing myself as well I usually do, guess I was having an off day.

I still feel Sola your over reacting, you yourself stated he TOLD you that he chats this guy didn't hide the fact and you seemed okay with it, then you checked behind him and you say yourself he was chatting about NOTHING. I feel your over reacting, this is something that can be discussed, you yourself state that you saw nothing to be upset about.

I know you have a cheer team behind you saying good job but I question your position on this issue and don't get me wrong when I feel a woman is justified I will tell her in a heartbeat my opinion on a mans actions, suggest you leave but again your not married to this dude, your his girlfriend and no relationship is drama free, nothing is ever going to be a 100% and it takes maturity to work things out if theres room to do that.

You have based your decision to leave off of I'm scared to get hurt well guess what thats 99% of the population, maybe I'm missing the boat and don't know his history as well others so maybe my point of view is pointless.

Your character is screaming jealous and insecure not because you checked his msn, its the way your reacting to it and handling it like a child, if you get insecure and jealous over a little bit of nothing chat talk your doing this guy a favor early on by leaving.

I'm not a right fighter, I don't fight people who think their right, it resolves nothing...I just feel if you really sit down and think about it, you could have talked it out, laid down the boundaries and let it go.

unless I'm missing pertinent information in regards to this issue and past issues of other things that happened through out the duration of the relationship then I could be wrong

I know where your coming from tiki...Sola did say he was open about the whole "addiction". So maybe she shouldnt drop him so quickly...but I think she should definitely have a talk with him. He isnt chatting with people halfway across the country. These women are all over the small town (in the bars and such), which can lead to dangerous waters. The possibilities of his actions are endless.

"The possibilities of his actions are endless."

Possibilities is the key factor, I don't understand why the guy is being condemned for using bad judgement while in a relationship, I can understand women not wanting their men to chat online with women, thats clearly understandable...the whole issue I have with this is Sola KNEW about his self proclaimed love of chatting and then turn around and spank him for it.

Women say they want truth, they want a man to be open and honest and once that is given some women simply can't handle the truth, don't know what to do with it and they leave. Truth requires a level of maturity, some men feel its better to lie and let it go then to go through all that emotional drama she just sent them through. He's not a woman, he's not going to think, feel nor act like one so there has to be a level of compromise.

I agree with you Lady M full heartedly, she definitely should discuss the issue

If all this was a complete secret then yes I would encourage her to find something a bit more open and honest with another man but it wasn't a secret, he was open about his behavior and again she seemed to accept it although she didn't like it so she has to figure out why she accepted it in the first place. Seems they both used bad judgement, him chatting and her accepting it.

"Sola did say he was open about the whole "addiction". So maybe she shouldnt drop him so quickly...but I think she should definitely have a talk with him." ~Lady_M

Hmmm...I suppose that depends where she is in her life and how well she knows herself. For me personally, if a man disclosed this info. to me about himself - first off, I would be very grateful for his honesty and respect him for sharing it with me. Then I would decide if this is a path that I want to take - will this situation enhance my life? Will he be a part of bringing out the best in me? Am I at peace with his actions? My answer would be NO.

I then would be respectful back to him and let him know that I choose not to have this experience.

When we know what we do not want, we then know what we do want and will not settle for second best.

I already said that the conversations arent sexual, and last night and today we have spoken about it a lot. Im not overly committed to him as i have also said before..because we have only been together almost 3 months now. I have agreed to give him another chance on the basis that time he has with me is all for me..he can do whatever the fuck he wants to in his own house. I have no roots here where i am and will stay because i know its easy for me to leave. It might sound like a dumb justification, but the rest is really all good, and i dont want to give up completely jut yet.

As for the invasion of privacy, if the shoe was on the other foot i would probably say that its something i would never do, but id like to see any of you in the same postition as me and not doing what i did. Im a tolerant person, and probably put up with more shit than most people, but this is really a difficult situation and its going to take time for me to REALLY decide what it is that i want from this.

Well the previous problems have been spoken about and corrected..and this is NO WAY the typical short term relationship. I dont know now how it all happened so fast..on the 3rd date he bought himself a toothbrush and just basically moved in with me since then..i havent even had a chance to think about things.

Re the hospital drama, im selfish and cant expect him to drop everything for me..thats what a drama queen does. I had to get by alone before he came along, so why should anything be different just because he is here..he isnt my father, he isnt obliged to look after be like a child.

And ok, i looked at his chat, but like i will say to everyone, you would do the same. Nobodys perfect..even me, lol.

Judging from her past posts...

Sola acts before thinking out a situation...or maybe we as DXP readers are only watching her think out the situation before she acts in RL.

I agree....we've been thru a many of boyfriends with her, lol.

?MG, im gonna cry.

I love thinking on here, its exactly like Lady M says, im just thinking aloud here before i make any kind of decision. Im not clinging to anything, only weighing up breaking up an otherwise good relationship vs potential problems, i mean i cant say for sure im going to stay faithful, no-one can say that for sure.

I have inner strength, confidence, etc etc all these admirable traits like evry woman does, but when these things get shaken up..this is when i find it difficult to be rational. Its not a weakness, it just how i deal with these situations. When i had enough theres no going back and i like to wait until i get to that stage instead of acting in haste.

"you need to come to terms with what you REALLY want vs. what you say you want."

Ive been on these boards a long time now and this seems to be the number one issue...time and time again.

"Well the previous problems have been spoken about and corrected..and this is NO WAY the typical short term relationship."

It was like that with my aqua. Fast and intense. And he was uber affectionate. I dumped him a month ago, and he's still trying to get me back.


"I dont know now how it all happened so fast..on the 3rd date he bought himself a toothbrush and just basically moved in with me since then..i havent even had a chance to think about things."

And another quality, just like my ex-aqua. This guy has "leech" written all over him. He is banking on you pitying him...he is using you.

"Re the hospital drama, im selfish and cant expect him to drop everything for me..thats what a drama queen does. I had to get by alone before he came along, so why should anything be different just because he is here..he isnt my father, he isnt obliged to look after be like a child.

There is a difference between "being obliged" and "stepping into the relationship." If he doesn't do certin things, then that is a sign that he doesn't WANT to do them. In the end, you are responsible for yourself, but just recognize that you are seeing these signs now...


I can understand not wanting to dump him...but I would definitely put some distance in there and NOT bend over backwards for this dude and INSIST that he pay his own way. You are his woman, he is a grown ass man (I saw LK write that once, I like it) and if he doesn't act the part then he is not "in" the relationship.

"now, pro and con, what is the good thing that balances that all out and is so much better that makes this worth staying in?"


I would guess mental rapport and sex. However, depending on his narcissistic qualities, this guy could just be telling her exactly what he think she wants to hear.

And he takes, takes, takes, while she gives, gives, gives...

God I hate leeches...

He doesnt get anything more from me than any other man would get, what the fuck has this post turned into?? Re: original post, i wasn?t sure whether or not to have a problem with the chat because i know im not THAT attached at this point, not to say that im not thinking about a possible future with this guy. And what about fucking leeches, people who use that term are the emotional retards and therefore cannot pass judgement on the rest.

As it happens, last night we sat together and went through all the recorded messages, that shouts out a pretty clear message to me that yeah, he admits he has a problem, but that the relationship we have isnt in any danger. I accept that relationships NEVER follow an easy path, and if we can get through the shit like adults then im happy to continue. He puts up with me for Christ sake..and im a total bastard!!!

So people, red flag down.