In-love with the idea? (Page 3)

hmmm good thoughts good thoughts...

im waiting to hear her answer.
she usually calls on her way to work, around 6:30 and i did email her today...so im sure ill know what she is thinking one way or another. maybe she needs time. i just hope she doesnt shift the blame on me, like she tends to, and thinks im making all this up to end things w her...bc she told me that yesterday and it isnt true. there is nobody else in my heart and she knows that.

i understand aquas logic here, but what about mine? it is very important for me to feel that i can trust her over there and part of me fears that her not telling her friends is not only because of her insecurities with them but also because she wants to act like she is single over there...which would be and it probably has been very easy for her..since we live 2 hours apart...

i understand aquas work differently, but they also have to learn to compromise when they love, wouldn't you think? she has been spending time with me, but she hasn't included me in all her major activities yet, and i have had no problem doing that...so i don't know...could this be enough reason to let her go...maybe, ill have to see what her response is and go from there.

as far as the seriousness of the relationship...for what i know she has only told some friends that she and i are "hanging out" which is a lie and she knows that...so is like she has been postponing the offical announcement for many weeks...oh her fears...if she only knew it is okay to be vulnerable and honest in front of her friends...or me.

"see how she changes and tried to shift things? clever i know, but it didn't work."


-hmmmm...interesting!!! my aqua does that same move. he will turn things on me to look like the bad guy...i cannot stand that! i am starting to think that your aqua is the female version of my aqua 😉

it is very rare to see your aqua in a vulnerable state, but when you do...hold on to it...and take advantage of the moment b/c it doesn't happen very often... but when you learn to just sit back, relax and be "cool"...when you least expect it, the vulnerable side will come out.

startfish and mc...very true. the whole blame-shifting thing i think is sort of a defensive mechanism...and it drives me nuts!! lol sometimes i fall for it, but im trying to be really careful about it, because i need for things to be fair between us. we each have to take on our responsabilities, we each have to compromise, and behave in ways what would make us BOTH happy...otherwise it is not a fair relationship.

my aqua is very defensive when she is comfronted and she has a hard time understanding things when i have a problem with something...there are always "buts" and "you..." but im sure i have my things too.

here is the scoop ladies.

well, she texted me yesterday afternoon saying "im sorry" which i must say is VERY impressive, since she never apologizes like that and so quick.

i wasn't going to talk my back around, but some people here were right...maybe i wasn't looking into the big picture of things...and i wondered if her not telling her friends was enough reason to break things off...mc and ab are right, we just got back...although she did dissapointed me she did not lie to me or cheated on me...it wasn't something like that. it had more to do with her insecurities about her image for her friends and also about maybe taking the time to do it...

so i talked to her last night for 5 or 10 minutes.

i explained her once again why i felt the way i did...and why it was very important for me, that she was honest to everyone about our relationship over there.
you guys are right, i can't force her to do anything, she has to do it at her time, but on the same token, i do need to feel that she will take action on that. so i told her that i want to integrate in her life..and i want to know that her friends there know what is going on between us.

she said she is very reserved about her love life anyways, which is sort of truth, but also not so much bc she used to talk about every problem we have with her current best friend who isn't very fond of me...but i know she is reserved for the most part.
she said she could tell everyone there except for that one best friend, bc they dont like talkin about it...which is weird to me...because she is her bestfriend...but i guess i can be more patience about that one.

she went out with her friends after we talked and called me at 2 am on her way to get some breakfast (i asked her to). we couldnt talk so much then bc i had a relative stayin at my house...so hopefully we will talk today.

yes, i agree with starfish...i do think vll is too mature for his aqua and it is going to take a lot of patience to get through a lot of the immature issues and insecurities she has...but that is the test of true love, right?

vll...i know all about the defense mechanism, b/c well, my aqua is all about that. he is probably the MOST defensive person i have ever met. and even after 2 1/2 years of us being together, he still gets defensive with me anytime i try to explain to him how i feel. and just like you, when i have a problem i confront my aqua about it in a calm manner...but right away he takes it as me attacking him and he automatically jumps on the defensive...and oh my gosh, it is extrmemely frustrating...but there is nothing you or i can do about it...it is their insecurities coming out. it's always easier to blame someone else (especially the ones closest to you) than to look inside yourself and realize you were wrong. but, once again the defensiveness comes along with being immature and insecure...

yep. I am very reserved about my love life too. because people tend to butt in my love life if I ever talk about it, y'know? so I keep it quiet cause people like to influence it or butt in if they see something going in way they don't like which is very rude but very true.

and yes,we do need time..X__X my family thinks that I should know someone for years before even considering them being a close friend let alone anything else!!!

my mom thinks people I know for a few months are just acquaintances and people that I shouldn't even talk to like they never really existed. o_O

but that plain out goes against who I am.

but I can't disrespect the people I've known for so long. we need some time to balance it out..to fit/slide you (our lover) into the picture.

not everyone gets the privelege of our(Aqua's) attention. because of the way we are. we can get so many friends and the ones that we've been with long will make us choose between them. I've had close friends of mine battle over me since I was a little girl in latch key. My mom and my oldest brother still ask me who would I choose over the other o_O ..O_O ain't that odd. What do I have to do when this problem arises? I learned that balancing it out and slowing fitting both of them into my life until there was harmony worked. I had to work hard to give both them my attention despite my schedule. not only are my friends crazy, so is my family..o_O

You know what I'm saying, VLL? My friends and family have fought for my care and attention...or just the plain knowledge of me liking one or the other better- since I was little. I still haven't figured out why people do this to me.

OR maybe us(aquas) o_O

does any other aqua find his/her self in a dilemma like this in life?

X_X

lol ^_^ branh, guess what?

guess who are the ONLY people I have talked to over the phone and given so much attenion to..

If I was allowed to swear, branh I WOULD SWEAR IT.

virgos, v.v virgos are the only ones who have required my attention, and I have given it gladly. v.v yes, you all are very straight-forward and quite intellectual. That's why I give you all so much attention.

Ask any virgo I know, I will give the # if they allow it.

and I'll give you my mom's # so she can tell you who I give attention to and she's not virgo.

in fact, I'm even considering, YES CONSIDERING actually getting a CELL PHONE for the first time in my life and I will 18 next month!!

FOR WHO?? FOR WHO— yes, branh!!! A VIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRGGGGGGGOOOOOOO


now how ironic do you want me to get o_O

I can list them right now..and yes, there aren't that many.
cause I don't give that many people MY attention. it's always the virgs that want it!!! X_X

no, they're only ones that REQUIRE for me to be what according to them is a "real" friend..

I have to compromise for THEM because THEY are the selfish ones.

otherwise I wouldn't be giving the son of a guns so much of my air to breathe in!!!

oh please.. didn't I say the word- considering? o_O

ya'll aren't that important. I do like virgos but they do require more time than I'm able to give.

and I am only friends with the virgos I know you fool. o_O I would never dare get any further with them unless I knew they were mature enough.

you're right, branh. we read people and we choose to stay or leave. unless some virgo comes along and demands our time!! YOU ARE WELCOME!!!

amen, amen.

it's true. I don't even pay attention to the fact that we do..v.v

but when VLL started describing his gf more and more..it reminded me..

these humans do demand more attention than I can give o_O I am flattered...but get a life!! PLEEEAASSEE!!! X_X

amen amen v.v

Reiniba-Chan, you virgo also has nothing better to do, probably never had any kitty before, and think hanging around you will eventually score him some. Virgos, in general, don't need that much attention, unless they eventually want something out of you, or trying to drive you to some action that benefits them.

*eats a cookie*

I am laughing so hard that I'm CRYING for PETE SAKE!!

BRANH you are going WAAAAY over the line. Now you're just plain rambling because you haven't analyzed enough to get anywhere.

that's the saddest conclusion I've ever seen you come to.

cause usually you come to a rational conclusion and this definately is way off from the truth.

try again, bud.

LOL

aguaaqi will be your savior, branh!!

man lol o_O everything you've said about my virg is completely opposite of the guy. that's why I'm saying you're just rambling now. : P

amen amen. v.v if virgos don't understand..well they just don't understand.

what can we do, really? o_O

vll's girl does seem like a little girl and not a woman...but that's ok...she's probably pretty young still so she's entitled to act immature. whether he wants to deal with it ot not is his choice...and he will have to deal with the consequences.

absolutely starfish...couldn't agree more!!!

we should all remember too that we are only hearing one side of the story...vll's.
and vll, you seem like a real genuine person on here, but i am sure you have your downfalls too...as we all do. maybe there are characteristics about vll that his aqua is questioning at the very same moment...

oh yes, the aqua must ALWAYS have the final say 😉

personally, i don't think she is what he wants in a girlfriend.

yep. now we're all in tune. lol

im defenitely not a kitty nor do i want to owe one any time soon, i already have an awesome puppy, so let's set that one clear! lol BUT you ALL are making me smile today 🙂 thank you...

i think there is a lot of analysis, enough depth, and good care in all the conversations...i see an respect everyone's post from a virgo's perspective and from someone who has dated an aqua and have some aqua friends.

maybe there is an equation for the way we operate in life, that is obviously beyond the sign we belong...the personality traits we have are only part of our making. there is the way we react to things (mental approach), the level of maturity, the experience, the intensity of desire, the priorities, and fears...all that and more combined make us all unique aquas and virgos.

what i am trying to figure out now, as some of you so kindly say is...the best way to deal with my current relationship.

she is complex for sure. whereas for good or for bad, i don't know. she has liked me from the start...but she has lots of things in her mind that make her operate in ways that aren't always in agreement with mine per say...so it is a matter of...either giving things a second chance and wait patientienly until things make more sense, as i learn more from her, or give up to move on with my life.

experience is key for me, without it i could analyze forever but never feel quiet certain. the more i understand the more i feel and the greater the challenge the more effort i put...and i don't 'feel' things that often and i don't see myself always challenged...add attraction to that equation...

maybe that is why this relationship has been so fullfilling at times and YET so frustrating at others.

moonchild, starfish, brahn, aquarianbrat, unsualcancer, aquaqi, antibling, reiniba, leokitten...i think it is good to learn about our differences and similarities...as well as the complexity relationships can bring in our lives 🙂 you all have a point and i appreciate it very much.

ill see what resolutions come for the year 2007. i consider you all my dxpnet buddies.

early cheers!

vll

"We are not control freaks at all, and we don't need the final say on everything. In fact we don't like too much responsibility pushed on us...we like to take it on and choose it for ourselves. We're very self-directed."

-aquaaqi...you are probably 100 % right about all that...
this is funny b/c i had a discussion with my aqua last weekend about how i think he is a control freak and always has to have the last word...and he said he is not like that at all...in fact, he thinks that i am that way!!! but he is everything you described above and he despises being told what to do...big no no!!!

...and i'm loving this post...i'm learning much from it 🙂

vll...i completely understand where you are at b/c i have been there and i still am in the same position... some people don't have the patience and don't want to waste the time putting effort into the relationship with someone who isn't living up to certain standards...and then there are others like you and i, that are willing to take the risk and put in the effort and if nothing else, take with us an amazing learning and growth experience from it all. everyone is different and takes a different route in life and in love. it doesn't make us "pussys" or weak, but it just makes us different.

i really don't think i am denial...i see my relationship for what it is and i am very realistic about it. if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work and i move on...
but i also believe things happen for a reason, and i feel that my aqua came back to me for a reason...and not just b/c he needs something from me. i think he would be perfectly capable of living his life without me...i believe he came back for deeper reasons. but i am well aware that things could never change, and i must make the choice myself to either deal with it or not deal with it...right now, i am very content with my aqua and where we are at, although it may be hard for you to believe that...when the time comes for ME to move on, then i will come to that decision...

live and learn, right branh? maybe you have just lived a little quicker than i have...

guess what I'm doing right now humans!!

I'm talking to my friend ^_^ (Pisces) She just called cause she knows it's holiday for both of us.

^__^ I haven't talked to her in months..
she only got to visit me once since she left for Japan and then England back when we were in 8th grade.

guess what!! we can talk to each and pick up where we left off!! muahaha..

cause we're cool like it ^_^ and she is just one example.

you're right aguaaqi it's our heart, not how much time is between us. : P

yeah, can i get some of whatever you guys are on...?

yeah. there's enough crack for everyone!!! ^_^ *passes cocaine*

*gets popcorn*

...

*remembers he has to study*

Damn.:/

"Branh wins,on that technicality...."

You didn't have the patience to read through that either?😛

heh. I read it all. I absolutely agree with branh.

When it comes down to it, black and white will be in the end no matter how gray tries to manipulate it.

Gray is always inbetween the two. ^_^

Good job, branh 🙂

Well even Jesus wept and he definately is a black and white thinker. 🙂

O_o

Jesus was a black and white thinker. White is white and black is black. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Sin is sin and in the end we choose either black or white..
He knew that and we didn't..therefore we actually did accept gray, the in between, the maybe and maybe not and then chose. Some chose right and some chose wrong. Followed him or didn't. ..ah..we did have a choice then cause he didn't drag us keeping and screaming. That's why he said "Follow me, for I am the way, the truth and the life."

Ah but of course..there is only light and dark...and the dark can only give into the light for the light always overcomes the dark, not the dark over the light.
The dark can either choose to give into the light and disappear or stay dark. But regardless of the fact that dark has a choice or not..in the end...the light always overpowers the dark.

why? well even the shadows disappear when you bring in the light.

wonderful how the universe works

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

but those are just my thoughts

"And Here another way of looking at it:
Black-and-White-Thinking, - also called false dilemma or false dichotomy - occurs when an argument is framed in reference to only two options, when there may very well be more. The strategy is to exclude the opponent's argument because it seems to fall into an undesireable broad category."

Unrelated.


"And Here:
"Splitting: An important task of the ego is to interpret external events and relationships. Splitting means dividing the world and especially other people into objects that are all good and those that are all bad. It is a way of coping with the fact that there is badness, the ability to disappoint or let down, in the world and in all of us. An objective assessment of anyone (even Mother Teresa) will show that nobody is ever all good or all bad, but some kind of blend of the two. When a person splits, the good people/situations are seen as perfect in every way, while any evidence of badness in the bad people is grossly exaggerated. It is possible to shift, in a second, from one perception to the other, with a sudden and complete reversal of feelings.""

There are a lot of different ways to think in black&white, and a lot of different degrees. You are simplifying the subject.

"Black and white thinking is more than just right and wrong and it's not really the process of decisions-making, as it has been used on this thread by Brahn, which I went along with, but no it's not really that, sorry. It's a defense mechanism. Although, we all resort to this type of thinking during times of stress, if your life is governed by it...well, then it's just kind of sad."

Again, you are simplifying the subject. The black&white thinking isn't only about bad vs. good, and creating a total dichotomy, but it's also about determination, the ability the draw a line in the sand, so to speak, the power to stand by your cause. It's the ability to, even when you know you may very well be wrong, commit yourself fully.

Oh, and thanks for the didactic finale, we certainly don't get enough of that over here.😛

"You guys really aren't really getting the concept of black and white thinking are you? Oh well.
I don't have the time, not the desire to put toward it. Believe what you will--or better yet...do some research."

Is it a principle in psychology? If so, I have to admit I'm not familiar with it.

Well, here's what I've found-
". Black & White Thinking

Example: "You're either for me or against me".

Things are black or white, wonderful or terrible, a great success or a total failure, brilliantly clever or really stupid, a certainty or a complete mystery, friend or enemy, love or hate - there is no middle ground, no room for improvement, no room for mistakes. judgments on self and others swing from one emotional extreme to another and are easily triggered. It is important to remember that human beings are just too complex to be reduced to dichotomous judgments, and that all qualities fall somewhere along a continuum, containing elements of either extreme."

Again, this is slightly more complex, there are different levels of dichotomous thinking, and there are situations that call for it. For example, if you have to rally supporters, you may want use the "you are either with me or against me" line.(not always effective, but with the backing of a proper reputation...)
To be honest, it kinda seems like you chose the most extreme version of black and white thinking, as a sort of "straw-man".

(I mean, ffs, they've put "Generalization", the cornerstone of thinking of any kind, as a sort of thought distortion...)

"No. I didn't choose it and it is a psychological term."

But it's more complex than that. There are two poles in this discussion, one is complete relativism, and the other is complete absolutism, I seriously doubt either of you are the complete proponents of either "pole", 'cause then neither of you would be a healthy member of society. More likely, Bran tilts slightly to the direction of the absolutism, and you slightly to the direction of the relativism.

"Make of it what you will. And yes I have simplified the concept as much as possible for you...and you still don't get it and you still can not draw a conclusion."

You simplified it for me? Well gee, I'm flattered, but that's a bit weird considering I wasn't even involved in the discussion when you started simplifying. And yes, I actually did conclude something-you don't take it well when people disagree with you.

"If you can't draw conclusions, and if you can't make connections...not my prob."

Yep, that was totally called for. And totally reasonable, too!

yikes I got lots of reading to do...thank you guys! 🙂