cancer men... commitment phobes—

hi ive been dating on off a cancer male for over a year and hes so scared of commitment it is like im asking him to chop off his arm for me!! hes very loving and caring but runs a mile when things get too close... why—?

Simply put...when we fall, we fall hard. We are USUALLY all or nothing, and if you haven't completely gained his trust..you'd do better to just wait it out. He might just be scared to be hurt. I have a question though...

What exactly do you mean by commitment...Marriage, boyfriend, what?

Cancerlady

Yes its like Cancer men are so overly cautious of everything. I haven't personally been out with a Cancer man, but I have quite a few cancer friends of which some our males, and I can see that they can be so withdrawn with there emotions, really protective of themselves. So worth knowing though. xxx

Dump the Cancerman.........go for the Wirdow.....err Virgo-.....🙂
and welcome to this place
🙂

hes very cautious and somewhat frustrating.... as soon as i leave him he doesnt want to lose me.... hes very attached but distant aswel, never opens up 2 me but obviously feels more than i think because hes happy when hes around me?? this guy is a mystery

iits not negative labelling its what is happening,,,, ive tried for a long time to understand him and be patient with him, but as open as i am he still is a mystery, he wont however let me go.... ive tried and tried with him but theres only so much i can take... as much as u care for someone u got to look after yourself and protect yourself from pain

You know what,

I think most people problem's involve their expectations of what a person SHOULD be doing at a particular time. I don't really know what type of commitment you are talking about (You never answered my question) but if you enjoy spending time together, why does there have to be so much pressure? Just have fun and enjoy each other while you have him. If you die tommorow, you will lose him anyway, so why not just let the relationship be what it is. That's just my theory...

Cancerlady

the kind of commitment im talking about is a boyfriend feeling that security... thos guy came out of a 5 yr relationship then met me and understandably didnt want anything so we just had fun and enjoyed each other however a year down the line feelings have developed and as patient and understanding i have been with him and tried to get him to open up to how he really feels im still somewhat in the dark... he pushes me away every time we get close and it hurts alot im only human and will react, he may have been hurt but hes also hurting me... he knows this and we just cant seem to get out of this situation, he wont commit but is still attached and time doesnt seem to be doing much, ive tried just going with the flow but when it goes well he runs a mile or says hurtful stuff which leave me rejected, we have a strong connection and care deeply 4 one another but i just cant see a way where we can both be happy, weve talked alot but dont seem to resolve anything it seems as though ive got to catch him in an emotional mood to get him to tell me how he feels and even then he seems to regret ssaying it. when were together were happy i cant really see what the problem is.....

I hate to tell you this, but 5 years is a LONG time to be with any one person, and it's going to take him a while to completely get her out of his system. If you rush it, you will only succeed in pushing him way. I can guarantee that. ESPECIALLY if the break-up was not amicable, he still loved her, or she was the initiator..his shell will be especially tough. From what you have written, that seems to be the only problem with you too.

I still stick with my previous post & say wait it out. If you really have a connection & he is so special, it should be worth it.

Cancerlady

Does he tell you he loves you—

Hi CB,

I've treated someone as you described, but they were in love with me and somewhere along the way, I fell out of love with him. But I've never reacted quite that way with someone I really, truly loved. Maybe it's more of a response of a male cancer rather than female— Or maybe it's because I'm a cusp. Or maybe it's just my personality, who knows? Either way, I admire how you responded and wish I could be more like that at times!

Wild Girl

CB

That is me also...If I love someone & they don't love me or we break up...I have to sever all ties until I am completely over it. Then I can be friends with the person.

Cancerlady

Commitment phobics they are!

My cancer guy is extremely cautious, yet arrogant and cocky in a lot of ways too. He's a Acct Exec, so its like he has two different personalities. He's fun, outgoing and sociable when we're out and kind of boring and moody indoors.

I'm trying to be patient with him but I'm used to being with guys who balence out my shyness. I've been with Leos, Scorpio and Sag and they all compliment by personality and bring out the best. But with my Cancer I have to work hard at being balence becuz we're both very heavy in terms of personality together. We're timid and shy went it comes to intimacy and it bothers me. I've never known myself to be this way. I just dont want to push him since he seems so delicate with his feelings. He snaps too if I get too close or touch on things he can't handle - like personal issues.

I want to be with my cancer man, but i dont know how much I can take. we dont ever seem to be on the same page - our personalities are similar but our experiences growing up have been so different that is seems like we're in two different worlds. He's very affectionate. The best cuddler I've been with. I'd love to see him 'in love'. But maybe im just not the one. We've been dating for a year and some months. It took us 6 months before we were even intimate (no kissing, touching, sex-nothing. we didnt even go to each others home) just dates.

Is this strange? Are we moving too slow?

Hello melly.

Thanks for sharing your experience...

I've been with Leos, Scorpio and Sag and they all compliment by personality and bring out the best.

In a relationship, you have to "be" who you are. In other words, you shouldn't be looking for someone else to balance you out... or bring out your best. You have to find your own way to "center".. otherwise you won't be balanced if/when the relationship ends.

I want to be with my cancer man, but i dont know how much I can take. we dont ever seem to be on the same page - our personalities are similar but our experiences growing up have been so different that is seems like we're in two different worlds.


Sometimes it's like that.. and it may or may not have anything to do with the fact that he's a cancer--

Is this strange? Are we moving too slow?
I don't think anyone can really tell you what is too slow.. that's for you to decide. But, in my opinion, slow is good and I cerntaintly don't think it's strange. It gives you time to see the entire range of someone's personality before deciding whether or not you want to devote your life to this person. When you have time to decide, you should take it. Don't look at it as waiting for him-- look at this extra time as time you also need. Better to realize he's not the one now-- than to figure it out after 10 years of marriage..

Thanks Seize the day...

You're right about being who I am. I absolutely agree. Maybe I didn't explain it right. I'm not being someone else in response to my man, its just it doesn't feel the same as my exciting relationships because his mundane responses to what I like. Im a physical person, I like to engage in physical activities, biking, gym, dancing etc..he likes to watch TV. So when im around him - im more subdued than when I'm with friends doing fun things.

I can't seem to bring the joy out of him sometimes. It's like, if he isn't into it then he won't do it. Maybe I am giving him too much control over my emotions.

sigh...i dunno.

I'm upset with him right now, because he stood me up on Sat. We were supposed to go out and I called him in the afternoon to make sure plans to hook up was still the same. He said of course - like why wouldn't we be. Then that was the last i heard from him. I called him after midnight to no avail. He called me the next morning apologizing saying that he fell asleep from 5pm to the next morning. The wanted to take me to the circus! I felt offended by this. I was terribly upset so I didn't say very much because his half assed behavior is something that I spoke on before, there ws not very much more for me to bitch about.

He emails me today asking if he can make it up to me. I told him that i was going ot be busy the entire week (which is true), but also that I needed some time to myself to re-assess my priorities and focus on my projects. I don't want to be childish about this, but my feelings were tremendously hurt. This was not the first time he flaked out on me. The only logical thing for me to do is to break up with him. So I gave myself a time out to think about this. Any suggestions—

Thanks Seize the day...

You're right about being who I am. I absolutely agree. Maybe I didn't explain it right. I'm not being someone else in response to my man, its just it doesn't feel the same as my exciting relationships because his mundane responses to what I like. Im a physical person, I like to engage in physical activities, biking, gym, dancing etc..he likes to watch TV. So when im around him - im more subdued than when I'm with friends doing fun things.

I can't seem to bring the joy out of him sometimes. It's like, if he isn't into it then he won't do it. Maybe I am giving him too much control over my emotions.

sigh...i dunno.

I'm upset with him right now, because he stood me up on Sat. We were supposed to go out and I called him in the afternoon to make sure plans to hook up was still the same. He said of course - like why wouldn't we be. Then that was the last i heard from him. I called him after midnight to no avail. He called me the next morning apologizing saying that he fell asleep from 5pm to the next morning. The wanted to take me to the circus! I felt offended by this. I was terribly upset so I didn't say very much because his half assed behavior is something that I spoke on before, there ws not very much more for me to bitch about.

He emails me today asking if he can make it up to me. I told him that i was going ot be busy the entire week (which is true), but also that I needed some time to myself to re-assess my priorities and focus on my projects. I don't want to be childish about this, but my feelings were tremendously hurt. This was not the first time he flaked out on me. The only logical thing for me to do is to break up with him. So I gave myself a time out to think about this. Any suggestions—

Thanks Seize the day...

You're right about being who I am. I absolutely agree. Maybe I didn't explain it right. I'm not being someone else in response to my man, its just it doesn't feel the same as my exciting relationships because his mundane responses to what I like. Im a physical person, I like to engage in physical activities, biking, gym, dancing etc..he likes to watch TV. So when im around him - im more subdued than when I'm with friends doing fun things.

I can't seem to bring the joy out of him sometimes. It's like, if he isn't into it then he won't do it. Maybe I am giving him too much control over my emotions.

sigh...i dunno.

I'm upset with him right now, because he stood me up on Sat. We were supposed to go out and I called him in the afternoon to make sure plans to hook up was still the same. He said of course - like why wouldn't we be. Then that was the last i heard from him. I called him after midnight to no avail. He called me the next morning apologizing saying that he fell asleep from 5pm to the next morning. The wanted to take me to the circus! I felt offended by this. I was terribly upset so I didn't say very much because his half assed behavior is something that I spoke on before, there ws not very much more for me to bitch about.

He emails me today asking if he can make it up to me. I told him that i was going ot be busy the entire week (which is true), but also that I needed some time to myself to re-assess my priorities and focus on my projects. I don't want to be childish about this, but my feelings were tremendously hurt. This was not the first time he flaked out on me. The only logical thing for me to do is to break up with him. So I gave myself a time out to think about this. Any suggestions—

Thanks Seize the day...

You're right about being who I am. I absolutely agree. Maybe I didn't explain it right. I'm not being someone else in response to my man, its just it doesn't feel the same as my exciting relationships because his mundane responses to what I like. Im a physical person, I like to engage in physical activities, biking, gym, dancing etc..he likes to watch TV. So when im around him - im more subdued than when I'm with friends doing fun things.

I can't seem to bring the joy out of him sometimes. It's like, if he isn't into it then he won't do it. Maybe I am giving him too much control over my emotions.

sigh...i dunno.

I'm upset with him right now, because he stood me up on Sat. We were supposed to go out and I called him in the afternoon to make sure plans to hook up was still the same. He said of course - like why wouldn't we be. Then that was the last i heard from him. I called him after midnight to no avail. He called me the next morning apologizing saying that he fell asleep from 5pm to the next morning. The wanted to take me to the circus! I felt offended by this. I was terribly upset so I didn't say very much because his half assed behavior is something that I spoke on before, there ws not very much more for me to bitch about.

He emails me today asking if he can make it up to me. I told him that i was going ot be busy the entire week (which is true), but also that I needed some time to myself to re-assess my priorities and focus on my projects. I don't want to be childish about this, but my feelings were tremendously hurt. This was not the first time he flaked out on me. The only logical thing for me to do is to break up with him. So I gave myself a time out to think about this. Any suggestions—

Thanks Seize the day...

You're right about being who I am. I absolutely agree. Maybe I didn't explain it right. I'm not being someone else in response to my man, its just it doesn't feel the same as my exciting relationships because his mundane responses to what I like. Im a physical person, I like to engage in physical activities, biking, gym, dancing etc..he likes to watch TV. So when im around him - im more subdued than when I'm with friends doing fun things.

I can't seem to bring the joy out of him sometimes. It's like, if he isn't into it then he won't do it. Maybe I am giving him too much control over my emotions.

sigh...i dunno.

I'm upset with him right now, because he stood me up on Sat. We were supposed to go out and I called him in the afternoon to make sure plans to hook up was still the same. He said of course - like why wouldn't we be. Then that was the last i heard from him. I called him after midnight to no avail. He called me the next morning apologizing saying that he fell asleep from 5pm to the next morning. The wanted to take me to the circus! I felt offended by this. I was terribly upset so I didn't say very much because his half assed behavior is something that I spoke on before, there ws not very much more for me to bitch about.

He emails me today asking if he can make it up to me. I told him that i was going ot be busy the entire week (which is true), but also that I needed some time to myself to re-assess my priorities and focus on my projects. I don't want to be childish about this, but my feelings were tremendously hurt. This was not the first time he flaked out on me. The only logical thing for me to do is to break up with him. So I gave myself a time out to think about this. Any suggestions—

LOL, now parallax im sure it was just an accident to have posted that many times. We all have had that happen right!

Your reply was funny none the less. Sometimes the darn thing just acts like it will not take your post so you punch it two or three times only to find that it did indeed register and not just once either. Man I hate it when that happens

TW2

you're welcome parallax ....you're welcome parallaxatria ....you're welcome para-l ex-lax ....you're welcome parallel universe ....*pants sighs*..

Hi Melly...

rule #1.. press the "Post Message" button once-- it'll get here 🙂 even if you get a weird message afterwards.. 😉

Next:
I can't really tell you what to do... this is your life, and you have to follow your instincts. I'm on the outside looking in, I can only give you my most surface judgement. (sorry, that was my disclaimer)

With that being said, sounds like you guys aren't on the same page romantically. I think you're doing the right thing by re-assessing your priorities.. and while you're doing this... think about what you need out of a relationship, and does this guy fit the mold? If he doesn't, then this was a good exercise on dating... and move on to the next contender. Good luck Melly.... be easy on the message button.

You know what's sad.. I had that same song in my head...

PLEASE help me understand this Cancer man I'm falling for.....we met 6 months ago and for the last 4 months we've been talking (chat) pretty much everyday and other times in person but not much....we work together....we've talked about our past relatioships which are very similar and we've helped each other get through some tough times in our lives.....we talked about matters of the heart a lot, flirted with each other and I am very open to him and he opened up to me as well but I have this feeling that he hasn't told me everything. I know that he was very hurt in his previous relationship bec he told me about it. As the days went by I realized that I have very strong feelings for him....so I decided to tell him but I couldn't do it face-to-face so I wrote it and he couldn't believe that I have feelings for him and he told me that he is very attracted to me as well and that he values what we have and that he looks forward to our conversations and he cherishes every moment but his head is not with him right now and he said that he's not just saying that. He also told me that he doesn't want to ruin my and his relationship just like what he does with everybody else. I have to admit that I was hurt because I care for him deeply but I don't think he knows that, so I just told him that I understand and then he tells me to stick with him because he REALLY needs our friendship, it was weeks ago when this revelations happened and since then nothing has really changed and if anything we became more comfortable with each other especially talking face-to-face. We're both shy people and I never used to look at him when he looks because I was afraid that my feelings will show but one I just decided to let it all out....what I meant by that is that I stopped worrying about what he might be thinking...I just wanted to show him that he is special to me. What I'm really confused about are some of his actions and when I say certain things about love he gives me short comments that are puzzling to me such as one time when I was talking about how some guys are so obnoxious and I said "are there any normal guys left, i guess not" and he said "somewhere"...I replied to him by saying "somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight"....then he said "hopefully"....so I said to him "that' ll be the day that i'll believe in fairy tales.......the happily ever after......although there is no such thing......but at least there is something close to it......." adn his reply to me was "you'll get it." He makes comments like this that confused me sometimes.....I don't know if it has a hidden meaning to it or just plain as it is or he's hinting on something......I am so confused right now 😢 One time he came up to me to borrow a pen and paper and told me later that he lost my pen. Then another time he shows me a text message from his friend asking me what should he tell his friend. When he's feeling bummed out about work he seems to confide in me by sharing his feelings at that moment. He's been travelling a lot because of work lately and recently he actually mentioned to me where he's going in the next few weeks and even told me the exact dates. I really care about this guy and I'm falling for him deeply. I want to be there for him, take care of him and protect him from anything that would hurt him but how can I do that, he said he's not ready? I guess my question is...since we both admitted being attracted to each other but he's not ready to take the next step and he told me to stick with him.....is he just waiting to clear his head, testing how sincere I am, if I'm going to stick around? Am I waiting for nothing or should I hang on? PLEASE help. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

If you're prepared for the long haul, go ahead. This one will take his time.

Yawn!

Sorry for my manners. Just couldnt help it..the same old .......can somebody attach some new experience regarding a cancer? ..... please.Oh wait a minute..thy may not have let anyone but their truest love on it anyway? Ah jeeeezzzz...excuse me please....I am bowing out of here.

Looneybird, I feel you...but give the girl a break, she's new here!

As for jl fiona, Cancers rarely rush into love matters, especially when they have been hurt previously, recently, & deeply. If you start pressuring him, he will run away because he feels like he already told you his situation & you aren't respecting it. I recommend not EVER telling a guys completely how you feel about him because it ruins the "mystery" & the chase is gone. ALL guys like the thrill of the chase. If you stick by him through his funk though, you will be greatly rewarded...

Cancerlady

Thanks for the advice Cancerlady 🙂 I've never told him about how deep my feelings are and I don't think I could. All I said to him is that I have feelings for him, nothing more, nothing less. I'm a Gemini and I'm used to supressing my feelings....I always put on a happy face because when I'm around people the burden I'm carrying seems to be lighter but then it hits me when I'm all alone. It took me years to feel this way again for someone that is why when I came to the realization that my feelings are deeper than just having a crush.....it scared me because I don't like the "unknown" and I don't want to get hurt again. I'm very loyal and devoted person and I know that I can make him happy, if only he will give me a chance to prove that to him....but I respect his decision.

There are times that I don't know what to do anymore 😢 but when he's around my doubts and fears seem to disappear. A lot of times it seems like he just keeps on giving me hints but never says anything directly, which confuses me big time. There are times that he asks me whether the person I hang out with is a guy or whether I hooked up with some guys or met some cute guy. Then I wonder if he's just asking me those things just for the heck of it or he's checking up on me or something. One time he called me out of the blue too...so unexpected but he didn't really say much, just where he's at and asked where I'm at. He even asked me what type of guy do I think is hot. See, those are some of the things that he does that confuses me so much. A few days ago he invited me to go to lunch with him and some other people but I couldn't because of my schedule and he was bummed out about it. I was very close to giving up on him and this happened a few times and everytime I get to this point...for some reason....he always does something that suprises me 🙂 ....like he knows what I'm thinking or something.

What's the best thing for me to do at this point? How can I show him that I care and how can I give him the reassurance & security that is so important for him without saying a word. I'd rather show it to him than say it...I don't want to scare him away.

Thank you!!!

CANCERS ARE SUBTLE! He wants you, please believe he does. Like I said...I think he is hurt & want to find out where YOUR head is. Actions speak louder than words & no other zodiac sign will appreciate the little things like your cancer. I do that too with hints & subtle clues that I want you. He sounds like a sweetheart though! If you are into him, I say stick with it. Remember, you are a Gemini so communication is your thing. One of our biggest faults as Cancers is that we expect people to figure us out. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT get him into you unless you REALLY want him, because once the floodgates are open....

Cancerlady

Thanks again for the advice Cancerlady! I know in my heart that I truly care for him and you might laugh at what I'm about to say but when I first saw him...I had this weird feeling about him...some excitement that I can't explain and for weeks I was hoping that he would initiate something and then I would say to myself "nah....he will never notice me"...just as I was ready to give up hoping.....he initiated something by email...nothing too personal in the email but it was an out of the blue thing...I never expected it. You'll probably think I'm weird or something by saying this but when that day happened, I knew in my heart that he's the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I honestly do feel that way that is why I tried so hard to hide my feelings by limiting the "actions"....I limited showing my affection because I'm afraid that he doesn't feel the same way for me and I'll just get hurt. I feel like I have this deep connection with him that when he's away...I feel as if he's thinking about me as much as I am of him. What do you think Cancerlady?

Thank you!!!

Ditto Parallax I too like that story of the Pam Anderson look alike & her "rich & famous boyfriend". Something original about it.

Um,it's true.It wasn't a question about my face guys will generally prefer butter faces with great body's not friends with pretty faces.

I DARE NOT LAUGH!

I tell you, Mr. Libra that I am just now starting to feel like I'm getting over, literally FLOATED into my life. I know how you feel. Sweetie, just hang in there and don't press him. Remember, most men are more insecure than we are. Combine that with being a hurt Cancer, you have a task on your hands. Nothing worth having is EVER easy! That's a rule of life! Good Luck, keep us posted!

Cancerlady

Actually, what makes this one interesting to me is me and mine (I hope) started out pretty much the same way. It'll be two years in July and I'm still waiting. But mine had literally given up en total for the rest of his life before I came along.

Jl Fiona, he's definitely interested in you. Seems like he's holding you with one pincer right now. But he isn't going to make a move in any direction before he's ready; you can gaze at him, do things for him, touch him (please do), talk to him, whatever, but remember that whatever you do, it will make an impression on him. Just keep the end result in the back of your mind; have a lot of fun. If you knew you had him for keeps, wouldn't you be having a lot of fun anyway?

jl_fiona

There was something else I forgot to say to you. With Cancers, you have a more open door for expressing your feelings. What I mean is that with the majority of Cancers male/female, if you tell them you love them or whatever, even if they don't necessarily feel the same...they are more adept to deal with it. We don't freak out & run away as long as you aren't psycho! You might try telling him how you feel but don't make him feel pressured to feel the same. We are some water testing MoFo's & if the water ain't warm, we ain't goin in! Me telling my Pisces how I truly felt about him (In my typical subtle way) helped us become stronger (even though I don't know how long his acting right will last, it's all good right now 🙂 )...but that was after a year plus of on & off. Don't pull the jealousy card on this guy though, it will backfire, I promise you.

Cancerlady

Thank you Cancerlady! All your advices has helped me a lot in terms of getting a better understanding of the Cancer guy I care about so much. Sometimes I don't know how to suppress my feelings anymore. I want to tell him so bad that I care about him and that I'm falling for him but I'm so afraid that if I do, he will take me for granted or he won't even care. Do you think he's afraid that the same thing from his past would be repeated? See, he met his exGF at work and they were off and on....she cheated on him and kept him on a string for 2 yrs while she dated another guy. He transferred to where I'm working now and that's how we met. His exGF wants to remain friends with him and they tried to remain friends but it was really hard on his part but she doesn't want to let him go...she told him that she wants to be friends. He told me that they are not talking anymore and he said that it's about winning now. What exactly is he trying to imply by that. Before he got to that part he asked for advice on what to do with his situation and I've told him that he needs to look out for himself and do what's best for him because he's the one sufferring. We helped each other get through our issues with our ex's. He approached me first through email and I was really surprised by that 🙂, but I was really happy because I've been hoping for that to happen. The first first day that we started talking (chat)he told me that if I wanted to hang out, just let him know and that kind of scared me because of what happened to me in the past....my ex cheated on me as well and it took me years to recover. He used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't be scared to take the risk and I didn't want to be involve with anybody before and I was so scared that I'm going to fall for someone...until one day I realized that I should move on. When we both admitted that we like each other and he said that he's head is not with him right now, I asked him what is he afraid of and he said that he's afraid of it not being the right person and someone's going to get hurt. Cancerlady, do you think he's being really cautious this time because he's worried of what happened in his past....since he and I work at the same place....and his exGF and him also used to work together....is he afraid that the same thing would happen if he and I would take the next step?

Thanks again!!!

Fiona (I like that name)

I must agree with Vanessa126...You are fretting over this too much. I think BOTH of you are scared of being hurt and entering into a new relationship with baggage created unnecessary drama. Being held on a string is no fun, believe you me and it makes it hard to immediately trust someone. I think maybe it just isn't your time yet.

You should already know that workplace romances are difficult to deal with. Believe me, he is being cautious because all of these factors make for either a beautiful romance or a disaster! From what you are saying, it seems like it would be beautiful...just stop pressing the issue. Once again I say enjoy him and your time with him for what it is. If you really feel the need to get it out of your system, write a poem or something. That helped me and I don't even really like poetry. Just a thought.

Cancerlady

Bravo to all senoras in love with cancer men.
Muy difficult making them open? Oh mi. Wait till you date Virgo. You will find cancer more open.I know cuz mi boyfriend virgo.

Amigos remember still waters run deep. Mi sistah cancer. She very sincere. Eyes very full of love. Just like mi virgo. You lucky he your cancer doesn't open mouth to make sugar coating lines. See the bright side. Men who talk much maybe hiding sin in heart. Your cancer full of respect for you. My advice be cheerful with him. Keep on giving him praise. Real ones. He will start opening.

Good Luck

Hi HotScorp1!

I've never seen you anywhere...Are you new here?

P.S. I agree with you on the Virgos! My dad is one.

Cancerlady

Hola Cancerlady

Mi few days new. I was posting only at Virgo board asking tips. Today my virgo gave me some time so I am here.

Gracias

I just read your initial post about your Virgo man, so it worked out for you?

C-lady