@SirHorns
12 Years5,000+ Posts
I'm curious does this dynamic plays out in relationships?
Posted by FutureSeeker
I can see why this is a question. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a mom role when I'm being "domestic". I tend to cook and be the one to clean- but he does his fair share of laundry. He does play a "parent" role too at times and comes down on me about money and stuff. So it goes back and forth. He does like when I am cuddling him and nurturing, it's how he feels loved, I want him to feel loved so I show it in the way he feels it. He does make me feel safe and secure. There is a balance- but I think I have to work at paying attention to it.
Thank you for the post.
So you managed to avoid a relationship where you're "locked" in one role. Have you've ever seen it play out around you with anyone else you know?
From a female perspective...
any time you 'nag' your SO you go from lover to mother in their eyes.
The key is to IGNORE the bad behavior and REWARD the good behavior.
Posted by LadyNeptune
From a female perspective...any time you 'nag' your SO you go from lover to mother in their eyes.
The key is to IGNORE the bad behavior and REWARD the good behavior.
Also key, setting boundaries early on and holding firm to them.
Posted by LadyNeptune
From a female perspective...any time you 'nag' your SO you go from lover to mother in their eyes.
The key is to IGNORE the bad behavior and REWARD the good behavior.
Truth. Though we won't have nearly as much relationship threads here if folks didn't take showing up 2 minutes late or washing windows on Thursdays as a PERSONAL offense and demand that their lover/spouse/sextoy confirm to their ways, no matter how trivial or asinine, since they're clearly in the right and the lover/spouse/sextoy is CLEARLY in the wrong and -[Insert the OP's hang ups and unresolved issues and projection here]!
Thanks for the post, I agree. I hate someone trying to control me or force me to do anything. I mean hell, it's sad when I was originally going to do something, but the nagging or the way it was requested (barking orders as if I'm their servant or my boss), pissed me off to the point I actually DON'T want to do it anymore and tell them either they do it or it doesn't get done at all since I refuse to let that kind of treatment slide.
...
-hides chart-
Posted by LadyNeptune
From a female perspective...any time you 'nag' your SO you go from lover to mother in their eyes.
The key is to IGNORE the bad behavior and REWARD the good behavior.
Also key, setting boundaries early on and holding firm to them.
I think that sounds so tiring though. Shouldn't they know?
click to expand
Self-awareness takes times to develop and comes with experience. Introspective types might have an easier time doing that, but it takes work and effort to do it and use it well.
Posted by busyeyes88
I played the parent role.Solution: dumped them...
How long did the relationship last?
I've done both dynamics, each were very dysfunctional relationships. Equality is a cannot-skip-ingredient to cook up a healthy relationship.
Posted by Crabra
I've done both dynamics, each were very dysfunctional relationships. Equality is a cannot-skip-ingredient to cook up a healthy relationship.
Hm. Thanks for the post. I'm curious though, did these relations happen before your first Saturn return? (Or around or before age 28-30)
Posted by Crabra
I've done both dynamics, each were very dysfunctional relationships. Equality is a cannot-skip-ingredient to cook up a healthy relationship.Hm. Thanks for the post. I'm curious though, did these relations happen before your first Saturn return? (Or around or before age 28-30)
click to expand
Both happened post 30 years of age if that helps.
Posted by Crabra
I've done both dynamics, each were very dysfunctional relationships. Equality is a cannot-skip-ingredient to cook up a healthy relationship.Hm. Thanks for the post. I'm curious though, did these relations happen before your first Saturn return? (Or around or before age 28-30)
Both happened post 30 years of age if that helps.
click to expand
It does, thank you.
If you don't mind, how did both relationships change you after they were over?
The first, I was the parent role. It is the dysfunctional relationship I had with a Taurus that I've brought up several times since I've been here. She was a total mess, and not independent at all, and I found myself taking care of her as if I was her guardian. The toxicity of this relationship had me in therapy for two years, during which time I got into another relationship, and seemingly adopted my exes destructive nature and dependency. I was every bit as dependent and childlike in that relationship. Needless to say, that girl had the good sense to leave me in the dust.
I have not been in a relationship since then. The last one changed me in a way that I feel I need to start all over again when it comes to how I approach, enter, and maintain a relationship.
Posted by Crabra
The first, I was the parent role. It is the dysfunctional relationship I had with a Taurus that I've brought up several times since I've been here. She was a total mess, and not independent at all, and I found myself taking care of her as if I was her guardian. The toxicity of this relationship had me in therapy for two years, during which time I got into another relationship, and seemingly adopted my exes destructive nature and dependency. I was every bit as dependent and childlike in that relationship. Needless to say, that girl had the good sense to leave me in the dust.I have not been in a relationship since then. The last one changed me in a way that I feel I need to start all over again when it comes to how I approach, enter, and maintain a relationship.
Well since you experienced both extremes, hopefully you won't have to repeat the pattern anymore.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and I wish you well and good luck for future relationships.
Posted by Crabra
The first, I was the parent role. It is the dysfunctional relationship I had with a Taurus that I've brought up several times since I've been here. She was a total mess, and not independent at all, and I found myself taking care of her as if I was her guardian. The toxicity of this relationship had me in therapy for two years, during which time I got into another relationship, and seemingly adopted my exes destructive nature and dependency. I was every bit as dependent and childlike in that relationship. Needless to say, that girl had the good sense to leave me in the dust.I have not been in a relationship since then. The last one changed me in a way that I feel I need to start all over again when it comes to how I approach, enter, and maintain a relationship.
Well since you experienced both extremes, hopefully you won't have to repeat the pattern anymore.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and I wish you well and good luck for future relationships.click to expand
I hope so too. You are welcome. Hope the information was helpful.
Only been a child never a parent 😄
Literally and figuratively.
With my two Leo exs. They're just so overbearing you can't help but be reduced to a child. The first because him and I argued for so long and were in constant power play for so long I decided to give in. It's been a good while so I don't remember the details. He had a Cancer moon and was my longest relationship. 6 years.
The second he just flat out told me he felt like my dad and since then I haven't really acted that way.
I know I can be childish sometimes but I take care of myself. I pay bills, have a good paying job, and I'm finishing school. After all that adulting I just like to let lose and not forget my inner child. So I play video games and watch cartoons 😄
Posted by LadyNeptune
From a female perspective...any time you 'nag' your SO you go from lover to mother in their eyes.
The key is to IGNORE the bad behavior and REWARD the good behavior.
Truth. Though we won't have nearly as much relationship threads here if folks didn't take showing up 2 minutes late or washing windows on Thursdays as a PERSONAL offense and demand that their lover/spouse/sextoy confirm to their ways, no matter how trivial or asinine, since they're clearly in the right and the lover/spouse/sextoy is CLEARLY in the wrong and -[Insert the OP's hang ups and unresolved issues and projection here]!
Thanks for the post, I agree. I hate someone trying to control me or force me to do anything. I mean hell, it's sad when I was originally going to do something, but the nagging or the way it was requested (barking orders as if I'm their servant or my boss), pissed me off to the point I actually DON'T want to do it anymore and tell them either they do it or it doesn't get done at all since I refuse to let that kind of treatment slide.
...
-hides chart-click to expand
It's all about delivery.
If you are constantly complaining that your SO isn't -insert issue here- let's say washing the dishes. It's annoying as fuck! Your annoying as fuck. And your gonna start to sound like his mother nagging him to clean his room, not sexy.
But when he does wash them and you tell him, "thanks for the help babe, now we have more time to play *winky face" right before giving him head... Guarantee he'll be eager to do the dishes each and every night.
Posted by LadyNeptune
From a female perspective...any time you 'nag' your SO you go from lover to mother in their eyes.
The key is to IGNORE the bad behavior and REWARD the good behavior.
Also key, setting boundaries early on and holding firm to them.
I think that sounds so tiring though. Shouldn't they know?
click to expand
People aren't mind readers. It's up to you to express what you want from your partner in your relationship. If you have certain expectations you need to make them known. Otherwise you can't cry foul when x behavior of theirs is pissing you off when you haven't said shit about it for the first 6 months of your relationship.
Plus relationships are, at their core, about compromise. So it's best to give your SO some indicator of what you need/want/expect from them.
Posted by Westsidekodak
I've been dad to a few girls.... Cancer instinct. Top 3 worst relationship types, I wish I could of known then what I know now lolIf you feel you have to be someone s parent, be prepared to be disappointed and single.
I thought you were female.:-/
I'm whatever fits the agenda.
click to expand
...so you're even a salad fork when the situation calls for it? Impressive.
I've never been either. My ex wanted me to be his mommy (biggest wimp when he would get sick!), but I refused to play the part, and then he tried to be my parent with the controlling of everything, and that didn't work so well for him, either.
Posted by Westsidekodak
I've been dad to a few girls.... Cancer instinct. Top 3 worst relationship types, I wish I could of known then what I know now lolIf you feel you have to be someone s parent, be prepared to be disappointed and single.
I thought you were female.:-/
I'm whatever fits the agenda.
...so you're even a salad fork when the situation calls for it? Impressive.
Irony...
Want to keep conversations like this alive?
Hot and cold behavior in Cancer can be confusing. If these real experiences helped you make sense of it, you can support dxpnet below.
Every contribution helps keep dxpnet independent and ad-light.
Join the Conversation. Explore Yourself. Connect with Others.
Discover insights, swap stories, and find people. dxpnet is where experiences turn into understanding.
Create Your Free Account →
Positing this question on your home turf!
Either you end up playing the Parent role to your partner OR the child role.
Have you've ever been in a dynamic like this?
How did you change this pattern?