it's ok if no one replies i just have to say

that this hurts so much. i just got dumped, he says he can't keep on hurting me while he finds himself. i wanted to work through and be there for him but i guess i'm not a part of his future. i knew it was coming but hoped it was just paranoia. i can't believe it hurts this much. i wish i didn't care at all, i wish he didn't treat me as well as he did. i dunno, none of my friends are awake right now, it's late. i just need something...

Hey Cancergem

Sorry to hear about your break up.
I know how it feels. You need your time to feel better.

Hugs

Why did you get dumped??

Hopefully this helps you as it is a quote I go by... "Even when time runs out...there is a chance for a new beginning..."
You will be presented with a NEW beginning so prepare yourself by focusing on YOU, your attributes and embrace this loss as a learning experience.

You'll be fine. 🙂 It may not feel like it now, but you'll come out stronger than you were before!!!

*HUGS*

Posted by The-Dream
Why did you get dumped??

things were amazing up until he got this new job like two weeks ago or so where he's been working longer hours. and since we have opposite schedules, plus the fact that i live in the city and he does not it's just been hard to see each other. anyway, he was getting really stressed out and depressed and just started becoming distant. i tried to give him some space as to not be overbearing, i let him know that i was there for him and if he needed anything to let me know. during the two weeks we hung out literally twice (which definitely was not the norm). last night he was acting like his normal self sort of but he wasn't affectionate at all which was what i was used to so i kinda got quiet. i asked him if he wanted to stay over at my place which is what he usually does or me at his but he opted to just drop me off. i was feeling upset but i didn't say anything but then that's when he started to tell me that he was sorry that he couldn't treat me better and that he didn't want to hurt me while he was trying to find himself. i told him i loved him and wanted to be with him but he already seemed to have made up his mind so i asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said he was and that he was sorry. i guess i was just holding onto the fact that things were going so well for the past 6 months because before that things weren't really that great. he couldn't open up then over the summer he changed a lot and opened up to me and i felt so loved. sorry that was a bit of a really long answer...

virgodreamz and sarinka, thanks for the interweb hugs 🙂

Oh i see cancergem, im sorry to hear that 🦇 i think maybe was too much was going on from him or didn't feel like neglecting you. I think he may come back but for now he need time to get his self together so he can love you the way he wants to. Again im sorry 😢

Sounds to me there is another girl in the picture, next time a man goes distant do yourself a favor and dump him and while your at it go find a great guy that can spend time with you, likes being there for you no matter the circumstances before you dump him, your a beautiful girl and definitely did not deserve his shitty treatment....

tiki, that was actually my first thought when he first became distant. his loss, i was a great gf, granted not perfect, but pretty damn good. not to mention his friends and family loved me and btw, not easy to find a girl who plays halo and is actually good at it lol. we had a great run and now it's over, i don't think i can even be friends with him. i think even if he decided he wanted me back i don't think i could. there are a lot of things in my life that need my focus anyway.

Posted by cancergem
tiki, that was actually my first thought when he first became distant. his loss, i was a great gf, granted not perfect, but pretty damn good. not to mention his friends and family loved me and btw, not easy to find a girl who plays halo and is actually good at it lol. we had a great run and now it's over, i don't think i can even be friends with him. i think even if he decided he wanted me back i don't think i could. there are a lot of things in my life that need my focus anyway.

You know sometimes being perfect can turn a man off, it doesn't feel authentic, to some it almost feels suffocating like the woman is trying too hard to convince him she's perfect for him, trying to be perfect to KEEP him in her life. I'm not saying this applies to you but I wouldn't count it out.

well i'll say this, when i first started dating him three years ago i definitely TRIED to be perfect and it definitely was suffocating to him. mostly because i was highly insecure with really low self esteem and i thought that i could give him a reason to want to be with me. we broke up and i dated a string of unavailable men and it sucked but, i definitely wasn't capable of having any sort of healthy relationship. i've grown a lot and i still have things i definitely need to work on.

Being insecure isn't cured over night and building self esteem doesn't happen in a matter of days/weeks, work on being a better you, you are enough for any man, change what you can and embrace what you can't change about yourself which by the way is very attractive. Issues with self esteem tend to make a woman behave in peculiar ways, she's clingy and needy acting even when she believes she's not being that way, sometimes the energy and vibe is off as well so although she's not showing she's focused on a man and giving him distance all her mental thoughts about him is completely focused on him, what's he's doing, were he's at, why he needs space, why things aren't working and although he can't see her focus he can feel it and it turns him off, I can't say if this is the case with your cancer but him needing space is an indication that some kind of negative feeling was turning him off, what exactly was it I don't know. Maybe time off from him, from men in general will help you get focused on yourself more so you can weed out some of your blind spots and begin to adjust behaviors and attitudes about yourself and about men that don't serve you.

Sorry to hear about that.. he'll be back. As a Cancer woman, I've had every ex come back to me, whether I was the one to end it, or got cheated on and left.. Just curious whats his sign? Might help explain some of his behavior. Seperate yourself from him for months. I mean if it's over, don't even try to be friends. No calls, no emails, not friends on myspace or facebook. Don't be cool period. Do that 4 months straight and you'll be feeling better. I'm sure he'll be back sooner then that or by the 4th month. But you won't be feeling the same. When your separated you think a lot and think what was it about him that attracted u in the first place? You see/think more clearly. You'll get through it, it'll be hell. But you will be fine.

Kill all them feelings, it sounds harsh but thats the only way I am sane today. I lost it real bad over a ex.. now even when he came back I just don't feel the same but because I loved him so much, some feelings are still there.

i definitely agree with you and i wasn't saying that i was cured, i'm just saying from over the past three years it's gotten better. can't say that i don't struggle with it or else i'd be lying. also he's not a cancer he's a capricorn, i dunno if that changes anything probably doesn't. which is the only reason i didnt mention his sign. i know i can be clingy and you're right even though i gave him space and all that i was constantly thinking about him, even though i'd hang out with my friends, go to parties etc. i'd have to force myself to not try and call him all the time and all that. i definitely need time away from men altogether, i'm so used to being with someone. in the past if i was dating a guy i already had another lined up that i would get caught up in

Posted by prettyladii
Sorry to hear about that.. he'll be back. As a Cancer woman, I've had every ex come back to me, whether I was the one to end it, or got cheated on and left.. Just curious whats his sign? Might help explain some of his behavior. Seperate yourself from him for months. I mean if it's over, don't even try to be friends. No calls, no emails, not friends on myspace or facebook. Don't be cool period. Do that 4 months straight and you'll be feeling better. I'm sure he'll be back sooner then that or by the 4th month. But you won't be feeling the same. When your separated you think a lot and think what was it about him that attracted u in the first place? You see/think more clearly. You'll get through it, it'll be hell. But you will be fine.

great advice, especially the part about not being friends, no calls, emails, myspace, facebook, nothing. Some women are afraid of no contact but no contact is the fastest quickest way to get a man inspired to come back, when he loses ALL access to a woman that he used to have it scares the living hell out of him, he has no choice but to man up and stop shucking and jiving and stringing a woman along or lose a good woman.

Posted by prettyladii
Sorry to hear about that.. he'll be back. As a Cancer woman, I've had every ex come back to me, whether I was the one to end it, or got cheated on and left.. Just curious whats his sign? Might help explain some of his behavior. Seperate yourself from him for months. I mean if it's over, don't even try to be friends. No calls, no emails, not friends on myspace or facebook. Don't be cool period. Do that 4 months straight and you'll be feeling better. I'm sure he'll be back sooner then that or by the 4th month. But you won't be feeling the same. When your separated you think a lot and think what was it about him that attracted u in the first place? You see/think more clearly. You'll get through it, it'll be hell. But you will be fine.

ah! i didn't even see your post! um anyway he's a capricorn. he just texted me he says he wants to talk when he goes on his break at 2...

Posted by cancergem
i definitely agree with you and i wasn't saying that i was cured, i'm just saying from over the past three years it's gotten better. can't say that i don't struggle with it or else i'd be lying. also he's not a cancer he's a capricorn, i dunno if that changes anything probably doesn't. which is the only reason i didnt mention his sign. i know i can be clingy and you're right even though i gave him space and all that i was constantly thinking about him, even though i'd hang out with my friends, go to parties etc. i'd have to force myself to not try and call him all the time and all that. i definitely need time away from men altogether, i'm so used to being with someone. in the past if i was dating a guy i already had another lined up that i would get caught up in

Oh clinginess matters with a cap, they are very independent, hate relying upon others for anything even love. From what you say you seem to have cured a lot of the external symptoms of co-dependency (Can I call it that? I'm not trying to offend you at all) but you still have a lot of internal issues that you grapple with. Out of sight out of mind, when you are away from a man be AWAY, give yourself permission to not think about him because the more you think about him the more you not only build up a strong desire to love him more but you are now fighting your resistance to not be clingy around him, your just making it harder for yourself, for the relationship and for him. Your is not fresh and happy and in the moment, it's full of fears, anxiety and sometimes hopelessness, it will turn any man off when you behave this way. Nothing wrong with having men lined up but try just dating instead of falling in and out of relationships without understanding why they failed in the first place...Dating is free therapy

When women sit up daily obsessing about one man she loses the desire to take care of her life, take care of her beautiful self, the self that drew the man to her in the first place, she just becomes a walking breathing living extension of himself, he soon treats her like a nothing, a nobody when she neglects her life over a man, no man wants that kind of woman, he will tolerate her until somebody better comes along. Even thinking about a man too much can create distance.

Posted by cancergem

Posted by prettyladii
Sorry to hear about that.. he'll be back. As a Cancer woman, I've had every ex come back to me, whether I was the one to end it, or got cheated on and left.. Just curious whats his sign? Might help explain some of his behavior. Seperate yourself from him for months. I mean if it's over, don't even try to be friends. No calls, no emails, not friends on myspace or facebook. Don't be cool period. Do that 4 months straight and you'll be feeling better. I'm sure he'll be back sooner then that or by the 4th month. But you won't be feeling the same. When your separated you think a lot and think what was it about him that attracted u in the first place? You see/think more clearly. You'll get through it, it'll be hell. But you will be fine.

ah! i didn't even see your post! um anyway he's a capricorn. he just texted me he says he wants to talk when he goes on his break at 2...

click to expand

Suggestion, tell him your busy at 2, less is more with a capricorn man. Don't make yourself too available, if you must talk, time it, give him 5 minutes and end the conversation, he will be back INTO you in no time, they love a good hard challenge.

sorry typo...meant to say...Your vibe is not fresh

thanks tiki! and prettyladii! i can't say enough how much this really helps! i definitely did lose sight of myself, and it reflected in some many different areas of my life. i'm already feeling so much better, i think i will tlak to him today but i'll heed your advice and keep it short.

Good luck! Keep us posted and remember don't make it too easy or he will take you for granted, let him LEAD you back into love with him again...he will enjoy it and appreciate it as well.

thanks eden, that's what i plan on doing.

so a slight update, i just talked to him and tiki i definitely kept it short. according to my phone it was under 5 mins lol. anyway, he said that he never lied when he said he loved me and that he either needed to see me all the time and not once a week likes its been lately. like i mentioned earlier seeing him more than i have been lately is really hard, i work a LOT as does he. he wants to meet up so we can talk some more i said sure but i know you guys said it's best to have some distance for now.

He seems like an okay dude according to the little bit you have shared but confused. I don't know enough to give concise advice but he seems a bit commitment phobic, they tend to behave the way he's behaving, they break up and make up a lot, I can't commit to being with you and I can't commit to being without you, meaning they dump you but can't commit to dumping you, staying away from you so they lure you back in only to dump you all over again, this can go on through the entire relationship. I will go so far as saying your love style coupled with the right kind of guy can be wonderful so I'm not sure if how you love is the problem. I will urge you to decline meeting up right away, he's already looking for an excuse as to why he can't be with you, he's going to make things very hard which is classic commitment phobic behavior, his excuse as to spending time with you is just an excuse, it's his way of making what he did okay. If he's not talking about getting back together WITHOUT excuses I suggest you save yourself the trouble of having to listen to his reasons why it's not working, you shouldn't have to turn yourself inside out, your life and schedule to be with him. If you must go then let him do most if not all of the talking, I'm sure you would like to express your feelings but sometimes when you can lean back and listen you can grasp what's going on better with a man and you can see if your the problem or if he's just scared and creating problems.

I'm not sure about the accuracy of my words regarding your issue, just something I'm picking up on...a hunch (:

giggling...oooh SC your cap is picking up and wooing you again, how sweet, have fun on your date...

so, it's been more than a week and a few days ago i decided it was probably time we had our talk. it was his suggestion and honestly there were some things i really wanted to figure out. anyway i told him when i was free on friday, (yesterday) if he still wanted to meet up. he agreed so when yesterday rolled around i got some errands done then sent him a text since i knew he was at work to see if we were still on... he writes back saying that he wasn't sure because he didn't know how long he'd be at work for... i took that as a "no". i didn't text anything back and he never called later on when he did get out of work. anyway i'm just going to take that as a sign of, "i don't actually care", and move on and hopefully i'll meet someone who is actually going to put the work in when things get tough.

so another quick update, he called me on monday but i didn't answer because i was busy at work. when i got out i listened to the voicemail and he started it out by talking about how he was in the city to go visit his friend in the hospital because he just got out of surgery. and if i wanted he could stop by and we could talk for a little bit. I called him back when i got home, asked how his friend was then i basically told him that, that night wasn't a good time to meet up and also that i was kind of irritated about friday. he apologized and tried to see if we could "hang out" this week before he goes to florida to visit his grandparents on friday. basically told him i couldn't because i'm busy which is true so we settled for the day after he comes back from the trip.

fast forward to this morning, he texted me which kind of annoyed me because i was sleeping. anyway he texted me to let me know that he quit his job and went back to his old one and has better hours and that he's "never been so happy". i shot him one back and told him i was happy for him which i really am. ever since he started that job he had been stressed and unhappy. not sure if it really means anything for us or if he was just so excited he felt the need to tell me at 9am...

i really haven't made any effort to really talk to him but he's been calling me and sending me messages lately. nothing that says i miss you or anything just that he's either, "bored" or "just wanted to say hi". i definitely haven't ruled out another person, the only thing that makes me think he hasn't is just because he hasn't been the type to do that in other relationships but things happen people change. he's currently in florida with his grandparents and wants to meet up the day after he arrives. i do plan on asking him if there is/was someone else or at least what the real reason why he wanted to break up. anyway, i've been keeping busy hanging out with friends, working and making art. met an old friend of mine who i haven't seen in over a year, we used to have a thing way back when but nothing really came out of it. we're gonna get together this week for some lunch.

there may not be another woman in the picture, he may just want to slow the whole relationship down to his comfort level because he's not ready in some way, sometimes too much togetherness, being too nice, too understanding, supportive and giving can make a man feel suffocated when he's not ready to be in that kind of commitment with a woman, if there is another woman in the picture she will surface at some point without you having to ask.