Sweeping me off my feet..... (Page 4)

Capywife,

Here's some advice.

Don't sit too long on this. Take him as he is or leave him.

If you want this Cancer guy, don't put conditions on things. Don't play games with him. If you wait too long or start playing games...it will only make your Cancer guy resent you and by the time he's "yours", you will see that he's really not. A part of him may have died during the "waiting" phase.

Don't let resentment set in to his mind. He will resent you for making him wait or putting him through an emotional mess. I know he's put you through a lot as well but this is a situation where both people need to bend and give a little. Caps and Cancers are both so protective of themselves that they don't open up to each other easily. You both need to open your hearts to make this work.

And yes, he is probably emotionally messed up right now -- all Cancers are when they're in love.

"yes he said that he is but i haven't replied"

btw, him saying that he's IS serious about you means that he's putting himself out there for you. For a Cancer guy, that's an enormous feat. Cancers fear rejection more than any other sign in the zodiac. So it takes a LOT for a Cancer guy to do that for anyone so if you feel the same way, let him know and don't make him wait too long to hear a response.

yeah ellidyr has some good points, yes he put himself out there but don't allow him to piss all over you because he's put himself out, HE'S SUPPOSED TO PUT HIMSELF OUT... how in the hell is the relationship going to go forward without him taking a risk, these guys say all kinds of loving dovey stuff and then let the woman do all the work, don't be that woman capywife, just make sure as yamama says that he understands that you will not put up with his back and forth behavior, lay down some strong boundaries and of course accept his love if he's choosing to love you but don't be a fool over it either, make sure you have options because the last thing you want to do is feel stalled and stuck with a man that can't fulfill your needs, HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE not for you or anyone else, so either accept him as he is or leave him alone, even if you set boundaries he may just not be able to measure up due to being with women that have low standards, be prepared to move on

Here's my real main concern in this entire situation: THE KIDS! When kids are involved it adds a whole other level to relationships. The kids should not have to be subjected to someone who says they are going to be around for them and then disappears. Kids need stability and security just like their mother. I don't feel that CapyWife has played games at all...in fact she has put herself and her heart out there for this man. She has communicated to him how she feels about him on several occasions. Conditions are absolutely needed for any man that wants to be a part of any woman's life when kids are in the picture. I don't play when it comes to the babies! He's had ample time (years) to know who you are and what your values and morals are and what you are about. If he doesn't know by now...then he may never know and it may be in your best interest and in the best interest of the kids to move on. I would really be upset and disappointed with myself if my daughter got attached to a man I chose to be involved with and he was not a stable and dependable male figure. I just can't set that example for her.

Take some time and think about your response to him. Make sure you convey to him everything you want to say. Have a calm and sincere tone in your voice and just keep it real with him. Lay it all out there, boundaries and all, and then back away. He will know what you need from him and it will be up to him to deliver.

Bottom line is relationships are about mutual benefits. Each person is supposed to be providing the other person with what they need. If he can't provide you with what you need from a man and he won't allow you to set foot in his life to provide him with what he says he needs then I say...his loss! How many times can a person beat their head against a brick wall until they realize it hurts? You know your situation better than anyone and the decision is yours on how far to stick with it. We will be here to support you the best way we can!

Heck yeah Tiki we are definitely on the same page. *high five*

I understand what you mean LK but everyone has to do it at there own level of understanding and emotions have no logic, she has take the steps to get out of her heart and do whats best for her, I feel some men aren't always losers, its the women that allow certain behaviors that create unhealthy dynamics within the relationship and can make a situation more toxic by not having some internal self esteem and strength to say no, if he steps up and does what he needs to do to have her in his life it will be because capywife didn't allow him to be a loser with her.

LK, tiki, YaMama and all the women on this thread...

i have to disagree with anyone who calls this guy a loser. it's pretty unfair. he hasn't taken advantage of her. capywife, for her own reasons, has given him a chance and because he hasn't taken advantage of this opportunity, he's a loser? that's pretty unfair to judge him this way.

from all i've heard, sure, he's slow, he hasn't made up his mind but he hasn't exactly played any mind games with her and strung her along or anything. all he's done is chosen to keep his distance. whatever the reason is for him not pulling the trigger and jumping into a relationship with capywife, it's STILL HIS CHOICE. and he has chosen to take his time.

if capywife doesn't want to wait around, that's her choice too. and if she does want to wait, that's also her choice.

there's no reason i would think any less of this cancer guy just because he's not sure or hasn't jumped into this relationship. he hasn't done anything scummy like sleeping with other girls or is some kind of lying b*stard...he seems like a decent guy to me. just a bit unsure bout his feelings, but not a bad person in any way at all and not a loser imo.

"he hasn't done anything scummy like sleeping with other girls"

what i meant is...he hasn't lied about sleeping around or is getting into people's pants by playing mind games. in all fairness, he's not committed so he actually can sleep around and it wouldn't be scummy. just clarifying...

elli I never called him a loser...

as for the games, he actually did tell capywife not to mess things up all the while setting his boundaries and making it clear he wasn'tready for a relationship with her, he's been running hot and cold, making the homie lover friend girlfriend relationship convienant FOR HIM not her and thus he swoops in and woo's her when he feels her slipping away because he KNOW he's not pulling his weight, he does just enough to keep her around and thats some BS ok and most women label this hot and cold method as games, not to mention how some days she's a girlfriend and some days she's just a friend, to most women this kind of behavior is unacceptable, if he wants casual and she doesn't want that then he has to respect her need to choose whats best for her and not threaten her with this you will lose me attitude as if he's some kind of prize or something, she's lost if he's half assed participating in the relationship with her anyway.

Yes he put himself out there and said he could be serious with her...now lets see if his words match up with his actions

I never called him a loser either. I don't think Tiki and I have marked this man as a bad person overall. Based on what CapyWife has told us this man needs clear boundaries. They both already know how each other feels about the other so being open and honest about feelings is not the issue but how she allows him to treat her is an issue.

We as indidivuals teach other people how to treat us. If we allow certain behavior at the beginning then to the other person it's deemed as acceptable. She has to speak up now to let him or any man for that matter know what she will and will not put up with...hence sharing with him at the beginning what she deems as unacceptable behavior. Just because a person may be unsure of their feelings does not give them the right to mistreat the other person...Cancer man or not. If more people would communicate their expectations in an adult, civilized conversation at the beginning of relationships instead of quietly assuming that the other person knows what they want or do not want then I believe there would be less misunderstandings.

I believe I've said numerous times the choice is hers if she wants to continue waiting for him to figure it out. She has to come to terms with this in her own way and her own time and determine if she will continue to allow him to treat her the way he's been doing or to communicate to him what's acceptable/not acceptable behavior to her and let him show her by his actions that he can respect her boundaries and means what he says.

I think everyone has been trying to figure out what's really going thru this cancer guy's mind. I don't think it's clear. In fact, I don't even think Capywife has any real idea what this guy's really thinking. So it's pretty unfair to judge his intent - anyone's guess is as good as mine and yes, it is just a guess. nobody will know for sure why.

He may have a very good reason for the way he's behaving and why he's hesitant. In any case, we'll never know because he's not here to defend himself or explain his actions (or inactions) towards Capywife.

I think all of us on this board want to help Capywife with this situation and want the best for her. And the ball's in her court just as much as it is in his. She has every right and ability to pull out of this relationship if she so wishes to. It's her choice just as much as it is his choice. If she says NO to him, there's nothing he can do but to accept her decision and vice versa. No one is being forced or tricked into doing anything here. We're all adults and we're all responsible for our own choices in life and in relationships.

I just feel the general attitude on this thread has been pretty negative towards this Cancer guy in Capywife's life. But if you read into some of Capywife's posts, you'll see that she does feel this guy has plenty of redeeming qualities that draws her to him. She has said that he's wonderful in many other ways which she hasn't described in much detail. But whatever these wonderful qualities are -- i'm sure that's at least part of the reason why she has decided to cut him so much slack. He's not all bad is what I'm trying to say and we just haven't heard as much of the "good" as we have of the "bad".

Sometimes, guys deserve some slack. There's plenty of good guys out there who are in Capywife's situation where they're waiting around for a girl to make up her mind about him. The suffering, distractions, anticipation, waiting, sleepless nights, lack of appetite, etc...guys go through that too for girls. It goes both ways.

I guess my point is...both people have to want the same thing for a relationship to work. And if both people don't, there's really no one to blame. All we can do as (virtual) friends is be there for those who are suffering through this and help them maintain their sanity until their situation is resolved....

... and analyzing things too much, may only lead to more confusion...

love is blind...it often doesn't make sense. same with emotions...none of it is logical. so trying to reason it may be quite a difficult task...

"I think everyone has been trying to figure out what's really going thru this cancer guy's mind. I don't think it's clear. In fact, I don't even think Capywife has any real idea what this guy's really thinking. So it's pretty unfair to judge his intent - anyone's guess is as good as mine and yes, it is just a guess. nobody will know for sure why."

We all have baggage and fears and reasons why were afraid to explore a relationship with a particular person and the problem is with how people handle these kind of situations, men don't say I'm scared, men ACT out and make everyone miserable (not all men do this)

get a therapist, a mentor,confide in someone you trust(not you imparticular) .....men like this really need to stop stringing women along and women need to get some self confidence and say NO this isn't what I want for myself, yes he has great qualities but I can't fix this man and either work it out or move on

"I just feel the general attitude on this thread has been pretty negative towards this Cancer guy in Capywife's life. But if you read into some of Capywife's posts, you'll see that she does feel this guy has plenty of redeeming qualities that draws her to him."

Redeeming qualities never made anyone completely happy with one another, she can't base her relationship on his qualities because she was doing that and he was dogging her out verbally so yeah I don't really feel you on that statement

Men have all the slack they need but I'm going to say this, most of you don't know how you effect women with your poor half assed behavior, you can't even fathom walking in our shoes unless you meet a woman that has some of these same redeeming qualities with half assed behavior, the men that have dealt with commitment phobic women KNOW what capywife has endured.

No one called him a loser although he has shown some loser qualities, our concern is capywife and how to deal with his jerkism, she hasn't given up, she's clearly setting boundaries because he doesn't have any.

Chemistry never made a man act appropriate and you will find plenty women on dxp saying but we have some great chemistry, the sex is wonderful but why why why, help me to understand why he doesn't want to do XYZ with me

Just a comment on the verbal abuse! My cancer hit did it to me and I used to take it to heart! Till I stood my ground and let him know it was completely unacceptable and ut was something I would not tolerate... He never did it again! Those kind of men look for things to tear you down to make it seem as if there is something wrong with you to hide whatever it is they are doing wrong! There is definately a reason for everything that is going on with this guy! You will never know why unless he tells you or somehow comes out in the open! I'm only saying this because like I told you before I have been right here where you are! Only difference is I got my cancer guy to commit himself! I went with the flow of the relationship I never asked for comitment! That was his decision! This is where you maybe going wrong... Your looking for it and if you let it happen naturaly you will be fine... You just have to ride the wave! A cancer man wants someone to stick by their side no matter what! They want confidence and security! He wants you to be confident by his actions! Being that you are not in a comitted relationship give him the room to do him and he will find his way back! No nagging! I can tell you exactly how to win this guy if you really want him! And the verbal abuse! Talk shit back tell that nigga he aint shit either! Its all a test of your strength! And the testing can go on and on!

tiki, leokitten,

you both seem to be judging this cancer guy way too quickly. capywife's confused and trying to get some advice -- not get a (virtual) witch-hunt going on why this guy is such a loser. we don't really know this person...we're just told bits and pieces of what happened, if the whole story is told from both sides, our opinions may change drastically.

in any case, anytime i hear only one side of a story in a relationship, i try to keep an open mind and not start judging people or their actions based on bits and pieces of what happened during the "dating" phase from one side. it's important to remain objective and civil -- i'm sure if things were reversed, we'd want the same respect from other people as well.

there's two sides to every coin so i'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and say this guy's actions are "loser-like" or that he is a loser. Capywife might have easily triggered this guy to act the way he's acted and she hasn't told us or isn't aware of it. We'll never know. In the end, the choice is all up to her.

In any case, if he's such a jerk, I don't think Capywife would've fallen for him or developed feelings for him so deeply.

Just my 2 cents.

elli your tripping, no one is judging the man, matter of fact if you really read our post you will see that were more focused on HER not him....no one called him a loser and we have encouraged her to date him on her terms by doing whats best for her and her kids

a person can be a great person with jerk like loser like tendencies, doesn't mean he's a complete asshole jerk loser, it just means without proper boundaries within a relationship things can turn toxic and those tendencies will manifest moreso because of the fact that the woman isn't setting her own personal boundaries within the relationship...

Jesus....Capywife, do you love your cancer man? If you do, then accept and understand your man. Why does he shift his emotions so quickly? Well, he's tied to the moon...it affects his emotions. When he says things like you are better off without him, HE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SAY NO! THAT YOU COULD JUST NOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM!! What is difficult reassuring him? THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS! YOUR REASSURANCE....be yourself, do what you do, but love him for all his quirky, moody ways....he needs someone to love him completely.

So do you?

Then stop beefing up the Leo man at your church....he may look good but keep patient and use more understanding. Quit asking why your cancer man does this or that, just love him...he needs it more than any other sun sign around.

thats all good but she needs reassurance as well, all this lopsided reassurance, loving him on HIS terms does NOTHING for her and she's free to date whom chooses until Cancer man or any man for that fact can get his stuff legit (dating keeps her from investing in a man that wants his cake and eat it to...everything is super understanding but let you ask for something from him and ALL HELL breaks loose.. Who needs that?

I don't know why so many women INVEST so heavily in ONE MAN, and expect him to fill the shoes of a great man when he's not all that great, women invest in that ONE MAN and he's usually the man thats RELATIONSHIP RESISTANT and emotionally incapable of being WITH ANYONE woman, RUN so quick after intimacy your head spins and THESE ARE THE MEN WE LOVE SO MUCH...I don't know whassup with all that...we over look the men that have there life together and instead try to FIX and REASSURE these man-boys or man-girls that are prone to cheat, lie and dog a woman out, what your saying sounds so romantic and loving and trust me I lived in that space but love isn't miserable, anxious, doubting and feeling insecure and thats how Capywife was feeling due to his in and out nature, THATS SOME BS ok, no woman should endure a half assed relationship and why is it that she's the one that has to be super understanding and deal with his rollercoaster of emotions, I don't care what these women say about cancer men-men period, if you ALLOW HIM TO MISTREAT YOU then that is all your ever going to get, YOU TEACH A MAN HOW TO TREAT YOU and if he's not making you happy then let him go or atleast not invest heavily until he can step up and fulfill your needs but in all reality she was giving him all he needed and he still tried to dog her out, so I guess its okay for a man to treat a woman like crap and run hot and cold and use her as a girlfriend at his convienance....to each her own

Oh and Virgotogo that was some great advice but there has to be a balance within that statement you made so her self esteem remains intact, I do realize that understanding is very much needed in these situations but COMMON SENSE and BOUNDARIES is also very much needed, Capywife is super smart, she know how to handle hers, I'm sure she got it all wrapped as I speak d:

I think too many times, people put condition on love -- it's part of human nature and self-preservation. But that's where things get messy. If you love someone, accept them. If not, move on to someone else. People need to be who they are to be happy.

As for any argument where all I hear is one side of the story, I will not form any strong opinions until I hear both sides. Just like a trial, both defendant and plaintiff are given a fair chance to deliver their arguments. All we've heard is one side of the story from Capywife and I will not judge a situation from just hearing that one side...there's more to the story.

But as a member of this forum, I just wanted to help Capywife cope with some of the issues she's facing with her guy without resorting to judging him or his actions -- whether they're considered "loser-like" or not. Judging the action w/o understanding the intent can get people into trouble often. That's how misunderstandings occur in relationships and I've definitely seen my fair share of that. I've learned from that mistake not to repeat it.

Hey Jean- I've been around. We arent doing anything right now. I have been in prayer a lot lately. I'm going through a transition right now (not with him but with other things) and I have been trying to focus on those things. We talk everyday but I haven't been my usual self with him.... i limit our time. I have my options open for others as well. The Leo and I talk every couple of days but nothing serious. We are friends. I've just been doing "ME" for now.... you know??

well i finally got rid of him. I haven't answered any of his calls and it's been about three weeks now. I'm completely over him. I don't even think about my Cancer anymore. It's funny how now that i've stepped outside of the box I've realized that he was so much the WRONG man for me and I can't see how I was able to put up with it for so long. I've stopped contact with his family too. He texted me the other day asking how the kids were doing and i didn't answer then made an excuse saying he needed his tools that he left in my car so I put them in the mail. I deserved so much better and now I have a yummy Scorpio man that has caught my attention. Mr. Leo is still around too. We talked for about 3 hours last night on the phone. All is well... just wanted to update things..

Very happy for you, Cappy! And remember your ex Cancer will try anything and say anything to get back in your graces and he won't ever stop especially if he knows he lost a good thing, but when he gets you back...(if he gets you back) he will be back to the same ole tricks! Be strong! Be happy!