When can you tell it's over

I have a friend who is dating a cancer man (so am I ). Since I'm into astrology she's been coming to me for advice (trust me I don't say much), but they've had some of the same issues that I've had with my cancer bf. It's almost like they are working from the same script. Anyway before Christmas they got into an argument and she broke up with him. She broke up with him because she felt that he wasn't really that into her. Even though he told her he loved her (which is huge for a cancer man right?) and that he wants to marry her. However, in person he acts differently. More distant. She feels as if he's been playing games with her.

So, fast forward to today. I've been telling her that she should expect a phone call from him. I figured, if he does love her and the fact that they broke up over what I would call "fixable" things would mean that he would at least want some answers as to why they couldn't work it out. I say that because when they broke up (over the phone) she says he didn't say much but did seem angry. But the holidays came and went without a word from him. So here's my question, I know that cancers tend to run into their shells when their not happy but I don't want to keep telling her to give him time and he's already moved on to the next girl. How do you know when it's over with a cancer man? Does he just disappear? I thought that usually as long as there wasn't any cheating that they would be willing to try to make it work with the woman they love.

No, I am not Miss pyschic!

First off, for any woman, I LOVE YOU is just "words". Anybody can let the words "I Love You fall out of their mouth. Even if you or I say the words, they will fall out of our mouths. Words are different from "actions". You can show a man or woman more with "your" actions better than you can ever say with just words alone.

Unless another person is showing me love with their actions, then I am going to assume that I cannot just trust words alone and from that perspective, you have not earned my time, energy, effort or trust until you have proven to me, with the same actions that I am willing to prove to "you" that I love you.

However, no man owes us anything. He is not obligated to show us love with his actions. If he wants to fine, if not then that is fine to because in truth, it is not his responsibility to show you love. He does not owe it to you, and maybe, I am not positively for sure, if he feels pressured into have to constantly "prove" himself to a woman, he may consider that as too much pressure and just walk away.

Why? I don't know, maybe he feels as if you thinks he "owes" you something, or you are seeking love in return from him instead of letting him give you love on "his" own time and terms. In truth, the only person that can make you independent is you, and you are the only person who can make yourself happy. If you are seeking love from another person through neediness, desperation, or trying to "win" him over, he will still walk out.

Why do men walk away from love? I don't know, sometimes, they want you to love them but not be so wrapped up into them and their problems that you cannot deal with life yourself without them being around. Or sometimes maybe they do love you and you make them feel trapped or contained simply by loving him too much.

Just a suggestion. I would let him go, detach myself and I would simply not take him serious or allow him to ask me do "wifely" things for him if he has not earned my time or attention.

Hi Krobe,

I love when you respond! You're post is why she walked away to begin with. I know that you can't answer this in a real way but given the facts I've provided, does it seem like this is over? She's kinda hanging on by a thread and I really want to remain positive for her but I have to admit that I have no idea what I'm talking about. I think since she hasn't heard from him in 2 weeks that it may be a sign that it's over. However, when my cancer bf and I started dating when he was upset about something he'd just disappear as well and then come back and act like nothing happened (still does, but for days not weeks now). I'm just wondering if this guy is doing the same thing.

"I know that cancers tend to run into their shells"

The crabbies have been in their shell this entire past week. Must be the weather.

Yeap,
The only thing I can say is Cancer men are COMPLEX! Very complex. I used to allow myself to go through the same things that you ladies allow yourselves to go through. Not anymore, if you want to walk away from me and leave me because I made you mad, bye. Don't come back on your terms either, I will come back to you when "I" get ready. I have experienced the same things with a Cancer man that you ladies experience except for when he comes back and acts like nothing happened. I ignore his arse. I have come to the conclusion that I will come back when I get ready. As long as he makes me wait for him to come back, I triple the times longer that I come back and this time I don't think I even want him back. I will rather for another woman to put up with his "headache" and I just stay friendly but distant and aloof.

This man will constantly sit up her and want me to do things for him like I am his wife/mother/girlfriend and then if I show him love or mess up his fantasy he will run. Nope, not any more, if he wants me to act like his momma, no sex, and if he screams and hollers he loves me, I am his "baby", I will tell him, well I can't have a passion for my man if I have to act like his momma. That is a turn off.

If he asks me to do things to please him or reassure him of my love, I tell him, nope, you are a free man and you have the freedom to do whatever you please, I am not attached to any outcome with you and if you want to leave me, bye, I don't need to reassure you of my love by making a dayum fool out of myself.

If he asks me to accomidate him and meet him places to do things for him, I tell him, nope if you want something or anything for me, you come and get it or you can't have it. I am not your wife.

This man's love hurts. I am not generalizing ALL Cancer men either.

Oh, PS

Happy New Year's SexyScorp, how have you been doing this year? Hey don't let this Cancer man wear you down or you will be depressed. LOL! Enjoy your life honey, the more you enjoy doing "you" the more he will come around.

Thanks Krobe, Happy New Year to you too! I hope 2008 brings you health and happiness 🙂

Me and my Cancer bf are fine. I am starting to realize that we are way too similiar. We are both very self protective and we both seem to go into that mode whenever there's an "issue". The good news is that we've been able to make progress in working through this but I will say that it has been work. We are both pretty set in our ways but I can say that I can see where he's trying to communicate with me (which was always a problem with the indirectness and the running into his shell half the time I didn't know what was going on with us). We actually had our first real argument. It was the first time he didn't just "whatever" me. I laughed and said "I know you're not talking back to me", he looked at me like I was crazy. When I explained he usually says "whatever" and walks away, he looked at me said "whatever" and walked away 🙂 He was joking, but it's good that we're both trying to understand each others style of communicating. Personally, I would much rather argue say what I have to say, he says what he has to say and that's the end of it but I've adjusted to the moods and I leave him alone when he's sulking. But the big picture is right now it's pretty good. I've definitely changed my approach to this relationship. I'm not worrying about what's going to happen in the future I'm just taking things day by day.

I don't think that what you've described as going on prior to her breaking up with him sounds like it was over - it would be easier for him be distant when NOT in person than in person - it sounds more like he was feeling shy and insecure and uncertain about himself [and perhaps HER feelings] in person and maybe he felt a little bolder when talking on the phone.
However, her breaking up with him would have HAD to have been a crushing blow.....so I'm not surprised he has gone into his shell....has she tried to contact HIM? That might be a big step towards resolving the issue - after all she broke up with him, why is she waiting for him to come crawling back?

She's a little younger but I honestly think that she did so to see if he really loved her. Not sure of the logic so I can only answer general questions. I have decided however not to continue giving her false hope. I only did so because she was so devastated that he didn't react when she dumped him (I know immature but we'll talk about that when the dust has settled). I guess when I originally posted I wanted to get an idea of shell time. I know there's no average but has anyone ever been with a cancer man who would stay in their shells for an extended amount of time?

From what I can tell, Cancers will sulk. He's probably sulking now.

They don't easily get over people, even if they claim to. If she reaches out to him in a way that makes him feel validated, he'll probably come back... with some drama of course.

Yeah, I have experienced the Cancer man leaving for weeks and blaming it ALL on me. He is one of those commitment phobic Cancer men. He will do things to push me away intentionally or I don't know, if he doesn't answer his one 1 time and I call him, for me that is a done deal. I will NOT call back anymore, not text, no msgs, nothing. He will call back after he realizes that I am not chasing him, he will call back and with the worst self pitying crying story I have ever heard in my life.

OMG, everything is my fault, I left him, I did him wrong, I acted like I wanted to be with him and then I just quit calling him. Of course, I am don't buy into this BS like I used to. He will leave msgs saying things like I have been calling you and calling you what do you want me to do. I DON'T return his calls. I don't check up on him, I don't beg him for attention, I don't grovel, nothing. All I would do is look like a pathetic fool.

SO, I just distance myself from him and he returns. I have to distance myself so I don't become bitter and angry at him for trying to play on my intelligence. I just live the wonderful life I live in and don't get myself wrapped up into his problems or his disappearing acts. It is better for me anyways because no matter how much love I show him, all I would do is make him feel like I am trying to trap him up in a cage and I truly know how it feels to "feel" trapped.

However, when he comes back with being pathetic, I just don't "buy" into it. I continue to live my life and date other people. Does he get mad, yes, does he whine yes, but I don't have the tolerance to commit myself to a man who is terrified of commitment himself, so if you can't beat him I say join him.

I am probably going to repeat that to her word for word. Who knows, I may need you to repeat that to me 🙂

Thanks Krobe

well....he might have been trying to get her to break up with him by being distant and not really there and as soon as she broke up with him.....his mission was accomplished and he moved on with out having to actually do it himself. yeah....we might go into our shell but not for that long..especially if it truley was someone that i wanted to marry. if it wasnt his design to have her break-up with him, even though it would risk more humiliation i would probably have checked back ....just to see if that really was what she wanted. i think he wasnt really into her and she was right to break-up with him. sounds like a puss anyway.....he must have like a libra moon or something...if she sees him again tell to tell him to grow a pair...or if he's lucky his will finally drop 🙂

SexyScorp 19, I have found out another thing too. Men who have commitment issues will demonstrate destructive behavior INTENTIONALLY around holidays, birthdays, special events. LOL! Need I go on just so they don't have to include you in on their holidays.

SO, he probably did something so she could leave him without him having to break up with HER and blame it ALL on her so he could not have to show her love or support for the holidays. LOL! This man is complex. He is probably avoiding the fact that she may have "gifts" for "him" which will also make him feel like she is trying to "trap" him to him. You cannot not show love, devotion, commitment, loyatly to these men becuase you are doing "wifely" things that make him feel as though you are trying to pin him down. He may not want that in his life right now. Plus to him, those kinds of things are considered "boring".

i dont think us cancer men are all like yours krobe......from what i read of how u deal with him....this crab would be gone. then again i dont make people do stuff for me and im not looking for a mother. but what ever works for u guys.......



" He is probably avoiding the fact that she may have "gifts" for "him" which will also make him feel like she is trying to "trap" him to him. You cannot not show love, devotion, commitment, loyatly to these men becuase you are doing "wifely" things that make him feel as though you are trying to pin him down. He may not want that in his life right now. Plus to him, those kinds of things are considered "boring"."

from my male cancer point view that is not good advice^^

dont give us gifts...be loyal....or show us devotion...or love. thats funny.....

Cj7, I did not say YOU, and if you read over the posts, you will see that I have said not ALL Cancer men and A COMMITMENT PHOBIC man is not sign or gender specific. Some men don't want women to show them love. I did not say YOU!

no need to yell....just talk here ....geez

i read what u said....so sorry to have a comment......

ur right.......what do i know...im just a commitment phobic cancer male....

so defensive.....that was not an attack.lol

Ok sorry too. LOL! I my be exposing to much of the commitment phobics man's way of getting his needs met out loud so, maybe I might need to just shut up myself and let the women on the boards who have experience excruitiating pain for loving too much hurt lol!

yup....Paul is a commitment phobic cancer.... but he loves attention [and he deserves it 😉 ] - the less he gets [from the person he wants it from] the more withdrawn he gets....soooo.... whether your friend's guy is commitment phobic or not, Paul would be the one to listen to.....

who's this paul guy?

well put angel 🙂

Paul? oh...he's friend...I think you'd like him.... but I wouldn't want you to meet him nbecause you'd be incredibly jealous 😉

anyway - I'm just saying...if you're asking about a cancer male then who better to take advice from than a cancer male?.....

it just seems that this guy gave up too easy. i do beleive actions speak way louder than words. u can tell me how much u love me ....but id rather u show me😉

I got a different impression - but that's why I say listen to the cancer amle....you're the one who knows how you guys react......

"don't talk of love lasting through time -SHOW ME!"

lol - if you're not a fan of musicals that probably makes no sense to you....

musicals?? thier thuper.lol

Oh, the Cancer male I have met is VERY COMMITMENT PHOBIC, if you don't feed him attention, I have noticed I guess since you have said something now, he does withdraw. But, he also "acts" like he wants devotion, love, attention blah...blah...but once you give it too him, he will withdraw again. I will just have the same complex persoanlity, if he withdraws, then of course, I withdraw with him, and from here on out, everything else is NO! I will be commitment phobic too! If you can't bet him out of his game, I guess the best thing to do is let him win and join him.

😛
well as it happens in that particular song she is saying EXACTLY what you are saying here

"words words words I'm so sick of words, I get words all day through first from him now from you...is that all you blighters can do?"

cj,

you said something i found to be interesting, which is that dude wanted her to end the relationship.

Even if that's true, I think he'll need more time to get over her. Do you disagee?

One thing I have noticed with Paul is that when he is getting the attention he needs he does back off a little... BUT he has told me himself that he doesn't expect to do all the chasing with someone - he likes to be chased a little too - so I see that as it's his "turn" to be chased.... perhaps that is the case with your cancer man?
You see it as him withdrawing when he gets what he wants - but maybe he is just allowing you to chase him for once....when he chases you and gives you attention he is giving you what you need - when you are giving him attention and chasing him HE is getting what he needs. There's give and take...

Hay Rising, I agree with you that Cancers have been shelling this week, mine certainly was. Then he popped up and told me there was a lot on his mind and called me like 4 times in one day...with a stank attitude...Im still trying to figure out why he did that.

My Cancer man has a habit of when I break out the hard, deep, serious feelings he backs up and goes off to think about them. When he returns he shows a deeper amount of attention and may make a really stupid joke to show that all is well and he is coming back to show me he has accepted my feelings and he is ready to show his own. He has already expressed to me that he isnt into talking about his feelings so when I dont get a verbal response I shouldnt be worried, I should look up for the unspoken changes. The fact that he seems to be running when I unveil deep feelings can be mistaken as his being commitment phobic, but he is not, he is simply unsure, therefore he feels he must collect all of the evidence and check it out to see if it rings true. If he can look back and find support then he is ready to accept it as sincerity. There is a difference between a man that is scared of commitment and a man that doesnt trust a specific woman, there is also a difference between being a commitment phobic and building up to wanting to commit to someone (some people actually believe in taking time to get to know someone before they commit). I think some cancer men just want to get to know the woman before they jump into a commitment, and as deep as they are capable of falling, why not?

The Cancer guy is probably wondering if they're really over to, the best way to find out in my opinion is a simple direct question: "Do I have a future with you". I've recently figured out that my cancer man has plans for me even tho he hasnt revealed them to me yet (I know weird)and though he may not reveal those plans specifically for fear of rejection he will reveal that he has plans for the good of clearing up uncertainty.

Sweetest,

I think there's a gap between what we want and what we can do. In this particular case, I'm referring to a Cancer man's ability to leave a woman. He may want to, but then he struggles with it. Besides Cancer, we see this all the time when people break up and try to get back together.

As a Scorp, I was able to move beyond my ex permanently. No doubt it was difficult, but I did it. The Cancer reaction, i believe, would be different.

no ....if he is that ready to move on and just too much of a pussy to end it himself......he's already over it he just doesnt want to do the dirty work. ill bet he has a libra moon or something 😉

SF, i agree with u 100%

i dont kno why there has ot be so many games, lol there shoudlnt be any games....we should just be honest, be who we are, be true to ourselves, AND REMEMBER that balance is very important!

lol - you are so obsessed with libra.......
you'll never forgive me for having mars in libra will you? 😛

if we do that, we will notice that relationships arent hard. if you get along with somone, and u btoh care for eachother, it should be easy.

it its complicated, its not right.
once people start to play games( act in a way that goes against our true nature) everything gets out of control, and the situation becomes a lot more stressful than it should be.

I think people "play games" for doifferent reasons - the caveat is whether there's mal intent...

🙂.........i just think someone like that might actually want to avoid confrontation so much they would rather the other person do it.......

good point angel.....

I dont think its that when we act out of our nature that things get complicated, its when we ASSUME why someone does something because of why we would do it or we assume why someone didnt do something that we would.

We have to give people the right to be themselves even if its different from who we are, and we must learn to trust actions that are different than ours to mean the same thing as ours when that is the intent of the action. For example diamond rings and vacations are both wonderful gifts, just because you would give rings doesnt mean that someone giving a vacation is any less sincere or they mean anything different in their giving than you do when you give a ring. Complications come in any situation when people decide that someone must be exactly like them to be sincere and anyone who wouldnt do what they do or say what they say or even react how they want to what they put out is wrong or inferior or insincere. I think people just need to take more time to get to know one another so that we can judge one another by where the other person is coming from and not by who we are and what we would do. Especially men and women. Its stupid to expect a man to act exactly as a woman would in a relationship. And truthfully if you cant learn to be in a relationship with a man as a woman or a woman as a man, with all of the differences, then you will never have a successful relationship.(Sorry I dont know the dynamics of differences in sam sex relationships)

same*

Hay Angel & CJ & LLT, Happy New Year

i guess maybe not libra ....but it seems more of an air sign quality. i cant hate on air signs since im on the gemini cusp....im sure that influence comes out in its own way.

happy new year to u 😉

Libras annoy meeee. They're really cute, but they're "know it alls" that dont know squat. I do have this Gemini buddy and as much as she gets around, she's great fun. I wouldnt ever use her as a moral compass, but she's great for tips on how to throw a great sin party.

Happy New Year goddess 🙂