Just curious..

Do you feel bad for your lover when you give the silent treatment/disappear? Do you put yourselves in her/his shoes? 🙂 *

Well, usually the silent treatment is wrong. I personally hate it. As adults we should be able to talk things out. Going silent can hurt another person and make them feel unimportant.

If they did something awful, say what you have to say and move on.

If it's not so bad. Talk it out.
But don't go silent to teach someone a lesson. It just makes things worse and most don't take that treatment very well. It usually just makes the person receiving it very angry

I didn't know the silent treatment felt like anything until I was put through it.

When I'd get upset at my sister I would go days without talking to her, even while around her. I'd be so puzzled when she'd look at me and seem a bit sad...like I couldn't understand what she could be sad about, especially if she was the one that did something to me.

It took someone treating me the same for me to understand, and I get it now.

IF I'm mad though, I just find it so much easier to go silent than explode. Sometimes I feel that so much has built up that there's no talking it out, so I just withdraw completely.

Posted by Gemini772
Do you feel bad for your lover when you give the silent treatment/disappear? Do you put yourselves in her/his shoes? 🙂 *

What do you mean by silent treatment?

People usually tell us caps we're being "cold" when actually we're busy with something atm and not paying attention to you right now.

We don't usually do "silent treatment" to you (or even think about it), it just happens to be a rough time at the moment which requires our attention elsewhere.

it's not because you're not important or don't matter to us, but we don't want to fail in our work and we concentrate on that for a little bit.

If a cap (or someone for the matter) gives you the silent treatment on purpose, it's because you did something wrong and deserve it lol

Isn't it better to take a little time to process your thoughts? Figure out exactly what triggered your anger or exactly what feelings you are feeling? Then you are more equipped to have a more productive and calm conversation.

Not necessarily the silent treatment as punishment but as a cooling off period.

Posted by SingASong41
I used to do it and not give a fuck because I was selfish. The other person can suffer and apologize to ME first. Stupid ego and entitlement lol.

Now I realize how childish and manipulative it is. Not only that but it makes it harder to resolve the problem, silent treatment can go on for days.

It's better to ask for a little space to calm down, regroup, and talk about it.

^ The last sentence is what makes the difference between passive aggressive silent treatments and a healthy cooling off period imo. I don't mind being a bit patient if someone asks for a time out, but if they just act pissy then that doesn't work for me.

Posted by GeminiGem
Well, usually the silent treatment is wrong. I personally hate it. As adults we should be able to talk things out. Going silent can hurt another person and make them feel unimportant.

If they did something awful, say what you have to say and move on.

If it's not so bad. Talk it out.
But don't go silent to teach someone a lesson. It just makes things worse and most don't take that treatment very well. It usually just makes the person receiving it very angry

+ 1000000

The silent treatment is cruel and dehumanizing.

Posted by SingASong41
I used to do it and not give a fuck because I was selfish. The other person can suffer and apologize to ME first. Stupid ego and entitlement lol.

Now I realize how childish and manipulative it is. Not only that but it makes it harder to resolve the problem, silent treatment can go on for days.

It's better to ask for a little space to calm down, regroup, and talk about it.

The key words are SELFISH and MANIPULATIVE.

As Inana said, it's difficult to see how painful this behavior can be until you live it.

Your last sentence deserves a BIG thumbs up!

Posted by truecap
Isn't it better to take a little time to process your thoughts? Figure out exactly what triggered your anger or exactly what feelings you are feeling? Then you are more equipped to have a more productive and calm conversation.

Not necessarily the silent treatment as punishment but as a cooling off period.

^^^This...with emphasis on "but as a cooling off period."

I don't do silent treatment.

Nope. I don't feel bad.

Posted by cappyscorpygirl
I typed out this whole thing but then I re-read the post, so I will split this into 2 parts:

Silence in Anger
I don't think I have ever purposely/ Consciously given someone the silent treatment. I would be unable to maintain that for more than an hour or so, it would drive me crazy.

I do tend to get quiet when I am upset about something. I speak very little at those times, if at all.

It is not intentional but it is for these reasons:
1) I am literally done with you and I have literally nothing to say to you.
2) I don't feel that the person is worthy of hearing my feelings/side of the story, I know they will not listen to me or it will create conflict that will not be easily resolved.

As I said, it is not intentional at all, it is just something that happens. People who know me well know that something is bothering me if I am very quiet, as I am not usually quiet.

Silence/ Not talking to a person just because I don't have time for them- I can't think of any reason I would be quiet or go for any long period of time without talking to someone other than the fact that I am very busy. I routinely go long periods of time without talking to people, this is very normal for me, not intentional. I don't find a need to call someone just to say hi or what's up, if I call you, I have a point, I am calling to make plans or something else. I just don't call just to talk. I only really call one person like that, my Gemini friend, and if I call her it's because I thought of something I want to tell her before I forget to tell her. She's my bestie and I see her almost every day but if we go a few days and something happens I will call her. However, she is very special. This is not a normal thing I do.

Silence when dating: There were times when I was dating I would purposely refrain from talking/ texting people. That's when I was making moves or waiting for them to make a move, it was definitely calculated and strategic. At times I would just wait and see if they would contact me first if I thought I was doing it first too much.

i dont like silent treatments myself.

it's cold.

thankfully me and hubby try to go to bed without silent treatments. It creates a bad relationship if you don't resolve your problems!!

I feel so happy when we're snuggling and happy.

But you have to make sure that you did your work, job, responsiblities so that you're not creating problems you know?

get things done, don't put off stuff. ect.

my husband and i have an easy going relationship which i love.

the other day, when talking to cappy mother in law, she was saying how awful it is to be with someone you are Always arguing with. It's better to be alone!! and we agreed.

because her neighbors and we know other relative's neighbors are Always fighting. Like world war iii.

then me and hubby looked at eachother and said, "we don't fight enough, honey! We need to fight more."

😆 😆

I'm like, "I know right? we NEED to fight!!"

anyway, yuck. it's so stressful to fight alot. I can't stand it. Those couples that fight alot must LOVE that shit.

or you get BITCHES like this:

holy crap.

the wrath of wives fighting their husband's girlfriends is horrible!!

blood on the girlfriend's face.

you know the more i look on YouTube on these fights between girlfriend and wives.

why the hell are they fighting eachothr and NOT the husband/boyfriend?

I mean who's dick is going inside the mistress? The mistress is just a foolish, horny woman who is lonely.

but the husband is the one responsible for putting the dick there.

so shouldn't they fight HIM??

Posted by lisabethur8


my husband and i have an easy going relationship which i love.

the other day, when talking to cappy mother in law, she was saying how awful it is to be with someone you are Always arguing with. It's better to be alone!! and we agreed.

because her neighbors and we know other relative's neighbors are Always fighting. Like world war iii.

then me and hubby looked at eachother and said, "we don't fight enough, honey! We need to fight more."

😆 😆

I'm like, "I know right? we NEED to fight!!"

anyway, yuck. it's so stressful to fight alot. I can't stand it. Those couples that fight alot must LOVE that shit.

The husband and I express ourselves freely. So there is no need for the silent treatment because things do not build up til the point of "You don't care about my feelings so I will just shut you off." We do have a lot of little disagreements, especially when he is in a funk, then every little thing will irritate him, and I have to say I am the same way. But within a few minutes it's over and we are back to being lovey-dovey.

In the past, I would just let things build up and I would either explode or go silent.

Posted by lisabethur8
you know the more i look on YouTube on these fights between girlfriend and wives.

why the hell are they fighting eachothr and NOT the husband/boyfriend?

I mean who's dick is going inside the mistress? The mistress is just a foolish, horny woman who is lonely.

but the husband is the one responsible for putting the dick there.

so shouldn't they fight HIM??

It's just natural to feel pissed at the woman. I went through this when my ex was cheating on me, and I think it is that you love the guy, so it is hard to hate him. It's easier to hate the woman who you don't know and have never met. Just my experience. I was mad at him too but I really hated her, felt that she was so beneath me, why on earth would he even pick such a person, etc. etc.

🙂 it sounds like you've evolved in your relationship, cappyscorpygirl. When you mentioned that you used to hold it in and let it build.

yeah i know what you mean. I am the same way to be honest. I see RED if somethng like that happens and i want to tear the woman's hair out and start wanting to beat her up.

then, if you stop to think, and stop acting crazily and impulsively you sit and wonder why the hell!!?

but yeah easier said than done.

which is why i do understand the wives here.

I'm going to put it simply and bluntly.

It's better to say nothing at all than to say something you regret. If I'm not ready to talk to you, then I'm not going to. PERIOD.

Cold? Perhaps. But I'd rather keep my mouth shut than make the situation worse. If you force me to talk before I'm ready, it's really going to be cold and chilly and possibly destroy the relationship. So, which would you rather have a little silence, or some cold, harsh words?

The ex gem used to want to talk, talk, talk about things, but he didn't want to listen. If you're not willing to listen and rationally resolve the problem, then why even talk about it in the first place? He used to force it and all it did was make things escalate and get worse.

To talk it out, I've got to have time to figure exactly what it is that is making me feel like I need to shut down. I need time and space for that.

Besides, MOST of the time, people know exactly what they did to piss you off and put you in the situation to give the silent treatment. So, no, in that instance, I don't feel bad.

I don't understand why people won't give me space when I'm pissy. If you're in a relationship with me and I'm pissy, then you should know me well enough to leave me alone. If you don't know me well enough to give me space, then we need to reevaluate our relationship because it's not as strong as I thought.


The silent treatment is NOT a passive aggressive move un a capricorn point of view. It is an active move that saves the relationship. Yall might want to keep that in mind.

I'm pretty good about speaking up when something bothers me, but if I feel like you're not listening, that's when I go silent.

I'm basing all that ^^ on an established relationship.


So on the other side, if it's a new relationship, say a month or less, and I go silent, it's because I don't want to be with you. I've probably told you, but you didn't get the message. I'm avoiding you and expecting you to get the hint.

I hate it being done to me, so I usually don't do it to others. The times I've done it was because I was so mad I could spit. I would not have been able to apply any logic to my emotions and someone's feelings would have been seriously hurt. Needed a couple days. But I warned in advance "I need a couple of days and I will get back to you".

@truecap, i thought your gem ex cheated on you with the slut of the town, not because he was being chatty with you. It takes more than just a chatty man (although that would irritate me) to destroy a relationship. I mean you married him, so you're not going to give up just for him being chatty. you must have known he was like that BEFORE you married him.

but it's difficult to discern a relationship and the dynamics of people's relationships unless they are really IN the relationship themselves. Just talking about it, is pretty superficial unless you're really IN the relationship and you both know eachother intuitively.

I didn't divorce him because he was a chatty cathy, but it did get on my last nerve.

Posted by truecap
I didn't divorce him because he was a chatty cathy, but it did get on my last nerve.

lmao 😆

Posted by capnip
I hate it being done to me, so I usually don't do it to others. The times I've done it was because I was so mad I could spit. I would not have been able to apply any logic to my emotions and someone's feelings would have been seriously hurt. Needed a couple days. But I warned in advance "I need a couple of days and I will get back to you".

Yep.

I have a problem with are the ones who don't listen when you give the heads up and won't allow you the time.

I used to get home from work in a bad mood. I'd tell my family, "I'm in a bad mood and I don't know why. Just don't talk to me and leave me alone. It has nothing to do with you, I just need some time". They just wouldn't let it go and I'd end up snapping at them.

Posted by champranger

Posted by truecap
Isn't it better to take a little time to process your thoughts? Figure out exactly what triggered your anger or exactly what feelings you are feeling? Then you are more equipped to have a more productive and calm conversation.

Not necessarily the silent treatment as punishment but as a cooling off period.

I think what makes it hard for the other person is that usually there's no prior heads up. It can also be difficult to tell if other person did something wrong or if you are just busy with something else, from the other person's perspective.

Lastly, I don't think every situation which there was a silence period, resulted in a meaningful discussion.

click to expand

Trust me, there will be no confusion as to whether I'm pissed or not and the heads-up is the fireballs shooting from my eyes. Again, observe that I'm not talking about silent treatment as in punishing someone with silence here, because that I don't do. There have been times when I would have packed and left after having served a very hurtful flood or words at the guy, but I have instead taken a breather and made a constructive discussion possible - personally, I think the latter is the winning plan of the two. Don't you?

Then I would make known that I'm pissed and that I need time.

Posted by truecap
I'm going to put it simply and bluntly.

It's better to say nothing at all than to say something you regret. If I'm not ready to talk to you, then I'm not going to. PERIOD.

Cold? Perhaps. But I'd rather keep my mouth shut than make the situation worse. If you force me to talk before I'm ready, it's really going to be cold and chilly and possibly destroy the relationship. So, which would you rather have a little silence, or some cold, harsh words?

The ex gem used to want to talk, talk, talk about things, but he didn't want to listen. If you're not willing to listen and rationally resolve the problem, then why even talk about it in the first place? He used to force it and all it did was make things escalate and get worse.

To talk it out, I've got to have time to figure exactly what it is that is making me feel like I need to shut down. I need time and space for that.

Besides, MOST of the time, people know exactly what they did to piss you off and put you in the situation to give the silent treatment. So, no, in that instance, I don't feel bad.

I don't understand why people won't give me space when I'm pissy. If you're in a relationship with me and I'm pissy, then you should know me well enough to leave me alone. If you don't know me well enough to give me space, then we need to reevaluate our relationship because it's not as strong as I thought.


The silent treatment is NOT a passive aggressive move un a capricorn point of view. It is an active move that saves the relationship. Yall might want to keep that in mind.

I'm pretty good about speaking up when something bothers me, but if I feel like you're not listening, that's when I go silent.

I'm basing all that ^^ on an established relationship.

+1

Until I can figure out a solution, or a way to express my words more clearer, I will remain silent to prevent further confusion. It isn't meant to hurt the other person, it is done to prevent me from coming out of character if autopilot is disturbed or to properly evaluate the current situation at hand. The silence is more passive than an angry Capricorn that becomes ruthless and purposely uses your insecurities in hurtful words destroy the relationship along with your faith, love and pride. A Capricorn in this state can become extremely violent including self-destructive. A state we should avoid at all cost!

^^^Yup.

well a man doesn't like a nagging woman.

Posted by champranger
I understand why Caps do it. It just doesn't help the other person understand the cause of it in any given situation. Like for me, whenever I am on the receiving end of this, my mind goes into overdrive processing possible causes like a computer program running dozens of IF statements. Is it something that they think I should understand? Are there past events that contributed to this silence that I overlooked (this is a long list!)? In the end, I have a bunch of speculations and maybe the furthest thing from knowing the actual cause, whereas if someone was upfront, then I can get to solution sooner.

^^ THIS.

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by champranger
I understand why Caps do it. It just doesn't help the other person understand the cause of it in any given situation. Like for me, whenever I am on the receiving end of this, my mind goes into overdrive processing possible causes like a computer program running dozens of IF statements. Is it something that they think I should understand? Are there past events that contributed to this silence that I overlooked (this is a long list!)? In the end, I have a bunch of speculations and maybe the furthest thing from knowing the actual cause, whereas if someone was upfront, then I can get to solution sooner.

^^ THIS.

click to expand

Would you rather have me explode and ruin the entire relationship?

Posted by champranger

Posted by SureShotCap

+1

Until I can figure out a solution, or a way to express my words more clearer, I will remain silent to prevent further confusion. It isn't meant to hurt the other person, it is done to prevent me from coming out of character if autopilot is disturbed or to properly evaluate the current situation at hand. The silence is more passive than an angry Capricorn that becomes ruthless and purposely uses your insecurities in hurtful words destroy the relationship along with your faith, love and pride. A Capricorn in this state can become extremely violent including self-destructive. A state we should avoid at all cost!

What about you, SureShot? Do you have the same fireballs coming from your eyes when your pissed? Or do you give a heads up?

click to expand

Hehehe

It's really interesting to see that you all have different views about the ''disappearing'' eheh. Off course I would give the silent treatment to someone that pisses me off, everyone does that (i think, if not, they sould 😛 ) but recently I've experienced weeks of him ignoring me and then after that coming and asking me to give him time...after all that I really dont feel that he regrets...

So I made this so I could know wht you feel when you just disappear just because...

Busy being a jerk 🙂

Is this the same guy you have talked about here before?

Posted by HappyCapper
Is this the same guy you have talked about here before?

Yes...it's been a month and all he does is show me that he is happy (we work in the same place) and today he replied to a member of the group in watsapp that he couldn attend his birthday because he is going to Spain for one week..and he never answer on that group 🙂...so, that was lame because he knew i was going to see that...

Posted by Gemini772
It's really interesting to see that you all have different views about the ''disappearing'' eheh. Off course I would give the silent treatment to someone that pisses me off, everyone does that (i think, if not, they sould 😛 ) but recently I've experienced weeks of him ignoring me and then after that coming and asking me to give him time...after all that I really dont feel that he regrets...

So I made this so I could know wht you feel when you just disappear just because...

There's a difference between silent treatment and didappearing.

If I disappear, I'm no longer interested.

Posted by HappyCapper

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by champranger
I understand why Caps do it. It just doesn't help the other person understand the cause of it in any given situation. Like for me, whenever I am on the receiving end of this, my mind goes into overdrive processing possible causes like a computer program running dozens of IF statements. Is it something that they think I should understand? Are there past events that contributed to this silence that I overlooked (this is a long list!)? In the end, I have a bunch of speculations and maybe the furthest thing from knowing the actual cause, whereas if someone was upfront, then I can get to solution sooner.

^^ THIS.

Would you rather have me explode and ruin the entire relationship?

click to expand

Yes I would. At least then things would be clear and no more guessing.

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by HappyCapper

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by champranger
I understand why Caps do it. It just doesn't help the other person understand the cause of it in any given situation. Like for me, whenever I am on the receiving end of this, my mind goes into overdrive processing possible causes like a computer program running dozens of IF statements. Is it something that they think I should understand? Are there past events that contributed to this silence that I overlooked (this is a long list!)? In the end, I have a bunch of speculations and maybe the furthest thing from knowing the actual cause, whereas if someone was upfront, then I can get to solution sooner.

^^ THIS.

Would you rather have me explode and ruin the entire relationship?

Yes I would. At least then things would be clear and no more guessing.

click to expand

Can't argue with that. If that's what you prefer, then that's what you should have.

Posted by HappyCapper

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by HappyCapper

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by champranger
I understand why Caps do it. It just doesn't help the other person understand the cause of it in any given situation. Like for me, whenever I am on the receiving end of this, my mind goes into overdrive processing possible causes like a computer program running dozens of IF statements. Is it something that they think I should understand? Are there past events that contributed to this silence that I overlooked (this is a long list!)? In the end, I have a bunch of speculations and maybe the furthest thing from knowing the actual cause, whereas if someone was upfront, then I can get to solution sooner.

^^ THIS.

Would you rather have me explode and ruin the entire relationship?

Yes I would. At least then things would be clear and no more guessing.

Can't argue with that. If that's what you prefer, then that's what you should have.

click to expand

I like the way you think!! 🙂

Posted by Gemini772

Posted by HappyCapper
Is this the same guy you have talked about here before?

Yes...it's been a month and all he does is show me that he is happy (we work in the same place) and today he replied to a member of the group in watsapp that he couldn attend his birthday because he is going to Spain for one week..and he never answer on that group 🙂...so, that was lame because he knew i was going to see that...

click to expand

So he's your boyfriend again and now he's going away for a week, informing everyone but his girlfriend?

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by HappyCapper

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by HappyCapper

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by champranger
I understand why Caps do it. It just doesn't help the other person understand the cause of it in any given situation. Like for me, whenever I am on the receiving end of this, my mind goes into overdrive processing possible causes like a computer program running dozens of IF statements. Is it something that they think I should understand? Are there past events that contributed to this silence that I overlooked (this is a long list!)? In the end, I have a bunch of speculations and maybe the furthest thing from knowing the actual cause, whereas if someone was upfront, then I can get to solution sooner.

^^ THIS.

Would you rather have me explode and ruin the entire relationship?

Yes I would. At least then things would be clear and no more guessing.

Can't argue with that. If that's what you prefer, then that's what you should have.

I like the way you think!! 🙂

click to expand

Hehehe

Sorry, I misunderstood. It's just that OP said "lover," so...

I don't think that has to have anything to do with you, just that he for some reason wanted to inform a group of ppl in that group that he couldn't make it to the birthday party. I couldn't possibly know this for sure, ofc, but if he is trying to tell you something, he just has to make it a lot clearer, imo. But that's just me.

I think that when he said he needed time, he meant that he needed time...maybe go to spain, read the complete works of JRR Tolkien, learn how to play the clarinette, do him. Don't wait for him. Yes, you'll be fine. 🙂

Posted by HappyCapper

Posted by champranger

Posted by SureShotCap

+1

Until I can figure out a solution, or a way to express my words more clearer, I will remain silent to prevent further confusion. It isn't meant to hurt the other person, it is done to prevent me from coming out of character if autopilot is disturbed or to properly evaluate the current situation at hand. The silence is more passive than an angry Capricorn that becomes ruthless and purposely uses your insecurities in hurtful words destroy the relationship along with your faith, love and pride. A Capricorn in this state can become extremely violent including self-destructive. A state we should avoid at all cost!

What about you, SureShot? Do you have the same fireballs coming from your eyes when your pissed? Or do you give a heads up?

Hehehe

click to expand

No, laser beams! Their squint, not wide open. Lol.


I give a sarcastic look. Like this...

my aquarius father always uses that old adage... "cooler heads prevail"

too goddamn true.

my gem and i have both learned the value of those words. neither of us like arguing. we're both pretty good at it which means an argument can go everywhere and nowhere quickly. it becomes more about words and semantics than what either of us actually want.

silent treatments aren't really silent treatments. they are cool downs. we come back around with more love and less words.

otherwise i don't do silent treatments. in my head it's a thought processing where i forget about a timeline to get back to the other person. still pretty shitty. i haven't figured out a good balance on that one yet.

Posted by champranger

Posted by SureShotCap
No, laser beams! Their squint, not wide open. Lol.


I give a sarcastic look. Like this...

😈
I'm just being a goof. 😛 😄

click to expand

lol