the dumping garden (Page 4)

life isnt overly great right now, nor is it overly horrible. it's content for something like a hard days work ...for efforts and for love that is... what it should be... realy what it should be. so the garden needs a shower of this water cans content. i want to grow this more with you. these roots reach into that place. i want to grow this more with myself. these branches are full and reach out. i feel so softened on a day like this and still so much stronger. i will have to tell you ... thank you.

i really appreciate you, JD. 🙂

I can't explain that, I just got to go. Goodbye, love..

is it a purpose that you want?
a sense of belonging?
somewhere to get to?
someone to go with?
a beat to match?
yourself to discover?
someone to realize your vulnerability with?
do you want to know how weak you really are?
do you want to find out how strong you really are?
do you care to know your own humility?
don't you want to know how much you mean
to me
and to everyone
?
i need to know.
i have to share this with you.
please, why not share this with me.

I just had my bad day, everyone has them..

flake...but its still not your fault...i guess.

understanding gives you strength.

i cant even begin to tell you how i feel about the way things turned out. i'm so sorry that you had to go through those feelings. i can only imagine how they felt... if i could only tell you that i'll always love you... if only that actually meant something. but i know full well that this is the way it's best to be. we wouldn't be the same people we love ourselves to be if things were supposed to work out. i just really wish you knew how much i understand what you went through and that it matters only too much to me. for what it's worth, i wish i could have been there to hold you and i'm here if ever you need me. i just wish you would have told me...

someone who is everything to me is going to be so many things
...but first... i have to see who they are. somewhere thereafter i should somehow know what i am to them.

the good things in life really are hard to find, but i suppose its also what makes them so noticeable.

you gave me 30 minutes... and thats all i get. your friends are waiting for you. mine are too, but like i care when next to you. and this is what i get back... i just cant bring myself to do this much longer... im wearing thin... and i am falling out of this. you admit that you are avoiding my confrontation. how ironic because thats the very reason why i'm so heated.

why am i spending so much time in this... you're just letting things lay as they fall and i'm madly trying to put things back together

i think that lump in my throat is me choking on my own heart.

this is a dead end. i really cant do it all.

you become a bigger person when you can admit where you've failed and still keep your head up with the new knowledge of your lesson learned. losing a bit of yourself only happens when you make it that way. dont make it that way.

"After she gives herself completely to a man, she can not take back her gift without great pain. When she loves, she intends it to be a forever thing. But if and when she does decide that her 'forever' has come to a dead-end street, there will usually be no hysterical scenes of weeping and accusation, no excessive emotional displays. She will simply turn hide her tears, walk away and not come back. No one can be as [seemingly] unsentimental (on the surface) as her, when emotional surgery must be performed and there is no other solution possible. But... as she walks away, her gentle heart will be breaking, and her torment will be all the more agonizing because she keeps it inside... and bears it alone.

...

tomorrow will seem to her sad. Her spirit a trillion light-years away."



Next time around i will try harder...

And you should do some inner reflection because resorting to calling a girl-friend a "bitch" [in all caps] is fatalistic and extreme behavior from which there is no going back.

why do i get so scared when things are not on equal grounding?

really... why?

because beauty begets ugly
but ugly also begets beauty. its what makes you appreciate beauty and what makes you realize life. reminds you of how alone we make ourselves and if you listen well... its what helps you learn to put yourself out there despite how much it hurts. it heals everything we've destroyed.

Perhaps you dont realize this...

You wanted me to be stable... something to build confidence on.

But you gave me no ground to be stable on.

Figure this out and learn something.

and also

when i push someone away for my own good reasons, it's his choice to be a man and make things right. i leave you in the light. you know everything you need to know and i know when i'm being messed with. you of anyone i've ever known has a long way to go and a lot to learn. good luck and lord have mercy on your heart if you've got it set on me. i might be impossible now.

cheers to 07. may it bring joy and beauty to heal 06.

are you seeing this? i am. i feel too... sometimes... that any moment here, im going to crash. running scared and feeling a bit lost, somewhat frantic. if i take just one bad step, i might tumble. i'll need to be able to cry out for help. i hope i can. i hope im not so suffocated by everything caving in on me that i cant yell out for someone. i feel incredibly weak right now and i'm trying with more than i have left of me to keep my head up. trying not to look back to find the most aweful pains chasing after me, staring right at me. i'm afraid that's when i'll crash. and sometimes... i believe that i'll be okay. and thats what i say, 'i'll be okay'

most of the time i look ahead, the past behind me in a bearable perspective, forgiveness in my heart, even for him and most amazingly for myself, and i can really look forward to tomorrow, i can genuinely smile today. they say life always happens when you're busy making plans. even if its heartaches and letdowns, we've always sprung back.

I am so extremely happy that I met you. You are the best! I love you and you know that..

i really am confused. this has been the most difficult thing to do. it will be the most difficult to say. if only people made more sense. so hard to talk about what really mattered and so easy to sling the most hateful words. were we really about to give up and walk away? just like that? as if we could smile at the things we've done and forget about it all? i cant move on feeling right about anything. that isnt who we are. this isnt how i want goodbye to happen if goodbye has to happen. not even trying to comprehend. i admit i dont think i really tried to understand, but now i do. i understand that i dont and that i created so much pressure for everything. i thought we had aims, but apparently they were mine and mine alone and i didnt care enough to notice how much needless and destructive force i was. i wont say 'i'm passed you' and i wont say 'i dont love you' or 'i dont like you.' its simply not true. i've learned things that i will take with me wherever i go. you helped me learn, there's no moving on from that or passed it. moving on with it. inevitably moving on 'with' you. so little that was seen over so much yet to be uncovered. i couldnt give it any breathing room. i'm afraid to say i'm changed, but i am and i know it's a good thing. this one is good. maybe you cant appreciate this as much. because i dont think we ever got to know each other well. i really dont know. i may never know. the wrong ideas from the wrong places. i hope we both learn. i hope we can both understand better looking back. this is so good. kind regard. respect. best wishes. now today. then tomorrow.

hold yourself and your thoughts and convictions in such high esteem. as well as your regard for certain others. the reality is that we all make mistakes. even you do. when you thrust yourself into real life, will your words hold up against your actions? when people cross you, are your hard rules that you bind your borders to going to give when those same people grow and learn and ask for forgiveness. at what point do you give up? so quickly? true there is more out there... there will always always always be more out there. at what point do you realize that there is always going to be more out there. when that person comes along and you're ready to understand and put living meaning to committment... i hope they understand what committment means too, or you'll have to tell yourself once again, "there's more out there". then will you understand so much of what really is out there?
loving is understanding
understanding is forgiving
forgiving is strength
strength is love
all in time time t i m e t i m e
...reveals everything... and nothing.
no i'll never give up.

so untainted here.
stay this way...

life has thrown these times before. it's time to start listening. time is too precious. time to be heard is slipping. and nothing really matters until you're living it. then live it the way you always meant to. we only get older. laws only move us further into ourselves and further apart. lyrics have always taught us how to do it. we've always moved with these rhymes and rhythms as if we taught every beat and note. the truth is we never could remember what it really means to. to anything.

Whats next?

why are you so angry at me? really, what did i do?






and why am i not allowed to know?

Have you ever asked yourself, "Who am I trying to be?"

i wont be the one to ask you those questions anymore. there is no need to and i hope you find some peace in that. you always seemed to despise it when i did that.

If i just slept for days... no, life will not catch up with me. if i stopped feeling anything... if i slowed myself down to let life catch up, i couldn't make myself be someone different. i cant let these things rest on my back and my shoulders. i cant seperate the road from the exhaust and sweat to get to the destination, it wont stop me from creating these alternate deadends anymore. i just have to stop. i cant sedate myself to just go with the flow and why do i have to go with the flow? maybe i should stop putting that wall up in front of others and put it up in front of myself. maybe if i just paused for a moment and simply turned around, i could finally see ... perhaps i have felt enough. its time to let things be as they are. it's time for what is right at my feet and not ten miles ahead of me. i already knew i could handle all that. none of us really know that still waters run deep. most of us cant see that deep. most of us cant tell, but you could and you know. i'm extending my right hand and snapping my fingers so that no one notices me crossing my left's. i've fooled myself once, but never again. my hand is plunged into my back pocket this time... are you really that insightful? a co-worker called me cold-hearted the other day. i must be doing a good job. not that i ever meant to, but if i crack then i break and why would i do that? i dont know what there is to break about? what is there to do anymore? there isnt. that part of me is still out there and i wont ask it to come home. for me. my smile remains genuine and i continue to turn inward... creating beauty out of inward. this is ugly and i'm making something beautiful out of it because i can and i should. i'm just going to create a new part of me. for me. and since i now know better, i'm going to allow myself to look forward to this more soulful future. people will see doors and windows into clouds that will take them out of their setting into a mysterious serenity that could be part of god, playful illustrations of dolls and demons in a cold war over innocence. they'll hear melodies haunting themes of unrequited love and a girl's gentle hum of hope, read words that they've lived through and may still never fully understand try as they have. i love that song, "We've only just begun"

how bad is it that sometimes it feels like my heart is splitting wide open... making room again.

Confined yet free. Close yet so far away. Two souls ... one love.

Notso07 - sorry for your loss. It is never easy. Strength is within you.

he ran into me while out last night and bitched me out. accused me of being judgemental. i hardly even know him. he definitely doesnt know me. met at a bowling alley. ran into each other a few times while out with our own friends. we hung out to watch a movie ONCE. thats the extent of interaction. my two friends that i had lost track of walk by just as i'm getting his heat(in public no less) and after asking them to give me a minute i turn back to him and he asks me with crossed arms, 'is that supposed to intimidate me?' Huh?!?! so i never return his calls... not true. he hardly calls. and we have virtually no rapport. he accuses me of 'playing him'. i'm sorry, what game was this? and when did i get dealt in? i apologize for i didnt even realize i was holding any cards. he then whines about how he has never gone so far for a girl. ummmmmm... wow. wasnt even aware he was reaching out. and la ti freakin' daaa, princess. here... allow me to get the door! for you. no really, i insist! i tell my sister all this, saying how much it reminds me of how our brother flips out at random and says some bullheaded stuff. my brother is a taurus... and i find out that this guy is a taurus as well. what in the hell is it with taurus guys and me these days... they are after my freakin blood.

more comes on it's own. this time the heart is in control. i wont go crazy with thoughts. very ironic. very freeing. it is yet a twinkle in my eye.

WOW - Very nice thread! Read some of the very good and comforting stuff. Never knew, we can do so much healing via words.

this is our meaningless rapport. this is my meaningless present. i dont prove myself for anything or anyone. there is nothing to prove in the face of this. there never should be. there never will be in my life. and why... this isn't mine to prove. i'm not the one with the issues. my only issue is this meaninglessness.

nothing to prove.
nor anything to hide.
just simply be.
not humble
no pride.
we all already know the answers.
we're just riding fences.
and making choices that leave some people behind.
proof comes later.
when everything is at stake.
nothing here has been established.
go on and prove the changeable wind.
i have things to root and nurture.
this mystery is caprice in my eyes
and no foundation of mine.

things to root and nurture. just let us not be alone. knowing exactly where happiness is. we're only fighting ourselves. these pains were not meant for you or me. from you or me. denial... keeps us away from who we're supposed to be. i just want to hold your hand. great pains are only from life. we'll be great in life together. that is what we have to prove

oh hello little world... i have a secret to share with you and you alone... i do believe those were the last kisses of those kind... and i think this maybe good... i feel a little empty... a feel a little bit more like a vessel now... a feel like i could be open to me... open to who... as i go about and do... i pause my thoughts and realize an absence of a filler once familiar... one of the purposeful kind... so familiar to such a mind... and there is no turning back... no forcing what i lack... no telling you in various ways... over and over again my confidences and dismays... there is no leading... no more spoon feeding... i'm tired of hearing myself... a dusty corner shelf... it just wont be... a thought that's only set me free... the right words are written on the wall... i can count only on reading them myself... and they are familiar... i knew them all along... this is everyone's treacherous doing... my painfully honest ways... never bothered to be understood... never asked... never spoken... never ever spoken... just the game... just the string... lost at sea... dying of thirst... those words are pure water... and they are never ever spoken... congratulations... i'm finally broken... a healing break... it was mine to make... i was forced to... this must be what was intended too... so says that writing... so scared we push... so strung we're fighting... all incredibly invented... one side so calm... one side so fermented... underneath my skin... i'm letting out this bad blood... let it bubble on the sterile floor... releasing pressure of appearances... a filthy stain to ruin perfection... releasing pressure in me... bring me the real smile i know... i've approved all its worth... i've made all its worth... it is in fact worth this mark... worth the scar... be intimidated... bite back with all you have... sticks and string... i can do the dance... with the control of Wild Abandon... only proving that i always know... this will be ignored... so will i... and i will not... remembered as always... knowing smile once again... winks a'plenty... brown eyes... lips they love... lips for one... a new kind of kiss... i learned this lesson long ago... fell and lay on that ground as long as it took to learn it... will everything that matters so much scare you... no, i learned swift grace to find my feet back where they belong... life waits not... i do this for you... learning much faster... as always i will... rightfully master

I'd just like to say that I...have some orange juice and is willing to share BUT no one is around. End of Poem.

is this what you intended to grow? is this all we have to build strength? is this all we have? my... i hope this is just old news hopefully intended to be forgotten... old pains and old reactions... old weaknessess... because i've had enough... this isn't fair... i've ignored people for much less. if there were any part that cared, you'd think i'd have heard something by now. isnt that normal? nipped firmly in the bud? let this not sit and stew any longer... throw it all out. my arm reaches farther. my hand a vertical wall. can you not see why i wouldn't want to have anything to do with this? you are places you havent earned the right yet. you've taken things i never gave. unwanted feelings are growing... that is the seed that you and only you, in such secret and devisive ways, have planted... is that really what you wanted? i'm leaving it all up to you to figure it out. you wont find my help. this is your game. i want no part of any of it. step carefully. at this point i'm very angry. there will be no vulnerability on my part... who in their right mind would offer themselves like that to behavior like this? yes... i guess it all... ALL... will come out soon enough. you've aggitated it long enough. have some grace. have your wits. have it all worked out. i'm irritated. you've been aggressive enough to get me to this point... you'd better be aggressive enough to fix it. passivity will only harbor more resentment and unwanted feelings. avoidance looks even more incriminating. i want this fixed. if not our standing, then at least my privacy. nobody has the right to do these things. especially one who's made no outright and solid committment to me. as always... too much left unsaid. so let's go... i'm ready to talk. ready to see the worth.

either strength enough to come out on top, or not enough and it all falls in ruin. do you have the tenacity and the will? do you see any worth? do you need to lean on someone else's feelings? or are you strong enough to own to yours? i stand behind mine... never ever to hide.

we have only honored ourselves and we havent even done that with much justice.

time is winding down, flying by... that shore grows bigger and bigger in the distance. and hearing his voice... his humor, his life... brings a calm of the azure water. a familiarity. confidence even. things are back on track. he's a spirit i am forever akin to. untouchable bond. tried by bars, authority, distance, lies, others, choices, money, jealousy, tricks and facades of hate even... but never broken. always at gaurd for one another. one man and one woman army. comrades. he at my defense and i at his offense. laughing all the way. bf/gf? husband and wife? no, no, no, you silly people. he's just my brother.

so i'm on my way there. would you say what is weak falls by the wayside? yes, if they are weak. only if they give up. and there are only a few things i really need... a few things i actually am past every front i have... a few things will ever mean or be everything to me... i hope the stars of understanding smile on you. because i'm not sure that any of this will be understood... time moves all things and the sky inevitably changes ...threatening moments roll into the present. will conviction have found its voice and will it still sing through seasonal thunder... steady fixed on the stars far beyond the influence of an emotional storm. this isnt our birthright. this isnt our excuse. this is a calling. we make those stars so much more than true. we make them.

i give into these moments... i cant help myself. don't know who to thank for this release. there's no other way for me to be. wish i could tell you, but i cant. showing is the only way. one day it will be understood and i know there'll be no escaping a genuine and warm smile.

the winner clearly wanted to win.

see it as
the ebb and flow
the rocking,
a sway back and forth
a rhythm for life
forever finds this beat
not push and pull
nor tug of war
or force and steal
no
this is calm
this is me
like poetry
it is home
love, remind me
i have forgotten
i want to remember

a little too self contained and i dont know that i can play teacher. i have the patience for friendship and an enduring heart to care. i'll start by saying you're contradicting ways will keep you from finding meaning and self assurity that i know is missing. you control and yet you relinquish it where it is needed most. you take all emotion from people and immediately demand independence in order to regain respect for them. you must feel so wrong when stacked against what is so right, because you just dont budge. i know you know of a fear... i believe right now that fear is making a home in your life. i know i'm too far away to make a difference. i know you know exactly where i am. i believe i am one of those fears. i could be wrong, but it is a thought. if i'm wrong then i believe i've thought too highly of you. i'll say it for the first and last time... i've already said everything i will ever need to say. it isnt about 'who's turn is it to talk?' however, i am done talking. there is static in the air. a weak flutter of feeling. memories grow weak. new impressions grow stronger. it's possible that things would have been better had we parted ways ...and i suppose, we already have. for the time being... i wonder under what typically unspoken terms. either way... i'll be swept away. my own regard could be all that matters to me and a good sweeping will mean bliss... yours will be all that you may ever know and a good sweeping will mean cleaning the broken pieces. we may try to never care and we would both be very successful. you've proven the ability. i've been given the amo and good reason. things are not a mystery. not even confusing or alluring. simply unfortunate, doubtful... look, i have no questions, no requests, no needs, no desires, and no regrets for this anymore. hide in weak accusation of my assumption. i give to myself more than anyone ever has... assumption in this case is no exception. i wont battle over diction and reason. i'll just turn, walk away, despair by myself in the abuse of words and the neglect of truth and meaning... for five seconds before quickly chalking it up to rejection, looking forward to the next person to fill this seat, knowing full well that it was really you being rejected by yourself. this is what keeps you so silent. my oh my, how we never learn and it's sad that some of us would ever think to disregard the words of a friend ...all for appearances. you still want me to be more and have created our own inability.

🙂 in the great words of Muhammad Ali
..."Me. We."

🙂
scorpgoat, JD is the sweetheart of the caps... he is precious 'round this board.

now praytell... whyyyyyyy is that funny? 🙂

because i was perfectly serious. not trying to lay on the flattery or anything ...so i'm glad you also thought it was sweet.

maybe perhaps its just me who thinks you're precious then
... me AND scorpiogoat 😉 though i doubt it.

anyways, i bid these thoughts adieu for now

...here to hose the garden down with some burning thoughts...

it's putting you down softly and your damned heart cant see... it's showing you the door and your damned heart wont leave... why do you still linger? where is all that strength? where is all your courage? you will never be anything you ever want to be if you cant make this small step... there is nothing in this... nothing. it has shown you nothing... not a smile for you... nothing for you... absolutely nothing... for ... you and only you... why... do you choose to meditate on hope in absolute emptiness... this is your damned past... this will be the bain of your existence if you cant take the only good thing there is to take and run like hell, because seriously... what is there in this for you... what has there ever been in this for you other than pain and loss

you must care heavily about pain and loss. there is no salvaging anything. cut your losses and go... the only change you can ever count on being good for you is the change you make. turn it around... turn on your heel and go. this thing hoped in vain, with no understanding of you, and gave up on you long before anyone had a chance to breathe change and has now set you up... set you up and is again waiting to watch you fall... and you call this a fall... damn fool... silence fell hard... you fell hard... and you have no clue whatsoever what any of this means... and you wont ask... because NO... you... dont... care.

what answer do you have... there has never been a thing for you here... and why?
why are you still here? look at you... you are still here.

and you still cant answer.
i cant help but be dissappointed.
i cant help but feel weak.
i dont want to hit that rock bottom again.
i have only my own hand to grip here.
i will own this.
there isnt a damn thing i'll ever own if i cant own this.