My marriage is on the rocks...

So, I'm a Libra and my wife is a Cancer. I am currently in the middle of 2 relationships. The 1st with my wife, and the 2nd with an Aquarius friend. I'm not having an affair (physically) with this 2nd woman, but I'm attracted deeply to her in an intellectual way, not as much physically, though she is a pretty girl.

I pretty much feel I'm screwing my whole life up. I dated my wife for 4yrs before we were married, but I know deep down I only did it out of obligation... I don't know the exact reasoning behind that, but that is the reason. Maybe it was out of a sense of duty I felt to take care of her since I'd have wasted so much of her time. We've tried to make this work the last 1-1/2yrs we've been married, but everyday it seems like I'm further away from her. She desires emotional connection, and that is not me at all. Unless I can understand it in a logical context, I don't get it. 😢

I guess in true Libra fashion, I'm wavering on what I should do. I want to love my wife in the way she desires, but I feel like I will never be able to. Does that make sense? My Aquarius friend says I should just tell her the truth and get a divorce... I don't want a divorce, but I also don't want to continue to make my wife unhappy.

What's most conflicting for me, is what happens if we break up? I mean, I have this history of hopping from relationship to relationship and I just feel that the problem isn't my wife or these women, but it's just me. I could be giving up a wonderful woman for nothing... to take another chance on something will probably end up as bad, or worse than what I'm currently facing.


Anyone have any advice?

Thanks for encouragement. That does help a bit. I'm mostly worried about the well-being of my wife. My biggest concern is that she is truly happy, regardless of who it's with. I'm gonna have to talk with her and be as open as I can, which is a HUUUUUGE step for me. lol

I dont think anyone in this forum will give you the correct answer as much as you can give the correct answer to yourself.

I always say to people to stop wasting peoples life if their intentions with them are not serious. I would say the same thing to you too. If you feel like your relationship with your wife is not what it should be like, then ended it. Why torture yourself, why torture herself?

I mean it all depends whether you have kids with her or not. You didnt mention that... If you do have kids, then trying to stay with her may be worth it, but if its just both of you and theres no hope, dont waist your life.

If you decide to ask for a divorce from your wife, of course she will be heartbroken, shes a human of course, even you that you dont have feelings wont feel the same way, but time cures everything, 🙂

Be true to her and to yourself.

Wishing you all of good luck.

`Libra

Posted by MindNinja
Thanks for encouragement. That does help a bit. I'm mostly worried about the well-being of my wife. My biggest concern is that she is truly happy, regardless of who it's with. I'm gonna have to talk with her and be as open as I can, which is a HUUUUUGE step for me. lol

You should defenitely be open to her.

It must suck being in this situation, but be brave and do what your heart tells you to do, 🙂

Thanks 🙂

OMG, this is my situation right here! The love triangle between libra, cancer & aquarius.

I dont have an advice, just do what feels right to you. All the best.

Posted by tiziani
Do you feel like obligation and duty is a part of your character? As in, do these values motivate you as an individual?

I know they do me. Particularly duty. I never expected myself to be old fashioned.


And if you break your duty or end up feeling like you turned your back on it, you could end up even more devastated then what you're feeling now in feeling lost for answers to provide for her.

The only other thing I could say on first reflection is that outside interference and opinion is never helpful to a relationship that is essentially between two people.

When I say that, I actually refer to myself or anyone else here but obviously also the Aquarius. So, even though I think it's very brave to speak on this stuff openly (more brave than most actually) it's important to file it under the heading "With A Pinch Of Salt" in my opinion. No matter how good intentioned it is.

I can't speak for a place of experience since I've never been married, but it strikes me that this kinks in the road are natural and eventually, when you're armed with the answers you seek from here, the real test will be having an open and progressive conversation between you and your wife. Whether that comes in the form of counselling with a qualified third party, or whether you can find new channels of honesty and openness between you both alone... well truthfully I hope it works out for the best.

+1

Google "Emotionally unavailabe men" If you have been having the same issue in previous relationships, that might be a reason. The difficulty to connect on a deep emotional level, intimacy, closeness is the sign. If you feel as though it is not the women, but you, then I think it is more than possible you are also an emotionally unavailable guy.... Do some research on the topic to find answers, and therapy, at least try to work on it before giving it all up.

Thanks everyone!

Piscesx, I'll do some searching. Thanks

So you didn't really like her all that much, but stuck in the relationship because you were too lazy to get out, thusly you wasted a ton of her time. So, you double down and marry her to compensate. Now you are really bored and want to see other women. U my friend are up against that we call the law of diminishing returns. Honestly I don't think you can fix this on will alone, you have to want it.

Posted by tiziani
Do you feel like obligation and duty is a part of your character? As in, do these values motivate you as an individual?

I know they do me. Particularly duty. I never expected myself to be old fashioned.


And if you break your duty or end up feeling like you turned your back on it, you could end up even more devastated then what you're feeling now in feeling lost for answers to provide for her.

The only other thing I could say on first reflection is that outside interference and opinion is never helpful to a relationship that is essentially between two people.

When I say that, I actually refer to myself or anyone else here but obviously also the Aquarius. So, even though I think it's very brave to speak on this stuff openly (more brave than most actually) it's important to file it under the heading "With A Pinch Of Salt" in my opinion. No matter how good intentioned it is.

I can't speak for a place of experience since I've never been married, but it strikes me that this kinks in the road are natural and eventually, when you're armed with the answers you seek from here, the real test will be having an open and progressive conversation between you and your wife. Whether that comes in the form of counselling with a qualified third party, or whether you can find new channels of honesty and openness between you both alone... well truthfully I hope it works out for the best.

+1

I agree none of us here can tell you what to do. We shouldn't tell you what to do. Definitely have a conversation with her. I am a true believer in the higher power. I don't know what your beliefs are, but this is not a small situation. The union of marriage although it is definitely easy to get out of with a divorce is not to be taken lightly. You and your wife need to come together as one and pray and or seek counseling before just dropping it like that. Agreed that you do not want to waste anyone's time, but you have to ask yourself did you really try at this? Marriage will have its ups and downs and at different times. Anytime you hit a road block are you going to look to get out just like that or actually exhaust all possibilities to making it work and becoming one? Talk to your wife and see what she feels and what she would like to do. May be even take down what it is you feel and what she feels and compare notes. That Aquarius needs to be pushed out

Posted by feb16aqua
I don't understand how the other woman can tell you or even suggest to you to tell her and get a divorce. tsk tsk.

Right? Talk about hidden agenda.

I think dude is just due for a serious, real talk with his wife. It's not fair to either to continue without doing so.

And really, I'm just baffled that you would jump into a marriage when you know yourself and know you relationship hop like no other. Did you ever think about the long term effects of your illogical decision? I wouldn't even be worried about the confrontation if I were you because its necessary. She'd probably be more appreciative that you care enough to want to make things better for her by being honest about what's going on. You were concerned about not wanting to waste her time, but you basically proceeded to waste more time by marrying her and now making it harder to split- not just emotionally, but legally.

Just sit down and talk to her. And like someone said, if you do split, go be single for awhile. Someone with your tendencies needs to learn how to be alone.

What do you know about "true libra fashion" lmao
It's either you're speaking as a third person or you don't feel like a libra
Oh don't think you're evil just a mind fucker

Posted by leoliza
It sounds like you are already setting up the next relationship to hop to. So if you don't want to repeat that, I would tell the Aqua you need some space and then take some. It also seems like you know your marriage is over but just are afraid to admit it/let her down. Want to know what really hurts people? Being strung around.

It sounds to me like he wants it to end but doesnt want to be the one who ends it.

Posted by libra22
I always say to people to stop wasting peoples life if their intentions with them are not serious. I would say the same thing to you too. If you feel like your relationship with your wife is not what it should be like, then ended it. Why torture yourself, why torture herself?

I mean it all depends whether you have kids with her or not. You didnt mention that... If you do have kids, then trying to stay with her may be worth it, but if its just both of you and theres no hope, dont waist your life.

If this is how you view a relationship you should not be getting married. This is how you handle it when you're dating. If you're dating and done with it, you can just be done and walk away. If you want that freedom dont get married. You remember those vows you took? Maybe you should have read them before you said them and thought about what they meant. OH, and whether you have kids or not, if you cant stand your spouse... get a divorce. No one should stay in a relationship just because they have kids.

Posted by zxcvbnm
OP: go to marriage counseling with your wife. Forget about the friend. 20 years of marriage is too precious to throw away. If you cannot get a person (who has spent 20 years of her life with you) to forgive you, you will face career/friendship problem in the future. Harsh reality. My account is scheduled for deactivation soon. Take this advice. It will save your marriage.

You better hurry!

This message will self destruct in 5


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what are you still doing here?

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Take the advice and run!!!


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to be continued...

My problem is not that I'm afraid of the action of ending a relationship. My problem, is that I don't know whether my mind is playing tricks on me, or if I truly feel the way I do. You spend your whole life deceiving others, and eventually you end up deceiving yourself.

leoliza,

I like what you're saying. It's too the point and I enjoy that. You are correct in that a majority of EUM's don't write about thoughts/feelings, that is, unless we're trying to understand them. If I can't analyze a feeling by witnessing it in a cause & effect situation, which I'm instigating, and then break it down and analyze it, I have to eventually seek out other mediums of information other than my own brain.

So pretty much what I'm saying is I don't understand LOVE. I can't break it down and analyze it. I truthfully don't know what it feels like. Hell, I hardly understand sadness, but I know it's not as important as understanding love. Imagine going straight to calculus after just learning Fractions. That's what it's like mentally.

How do you know? I know what infatuation feels like, but I don't really know if it really is just infatuation or something more. I was always told infatuation is what it is, but have never been able to repeat it and measure it.



If the terms pseudo insightful and pseudo sensitive mean anything to you, realize I understand the implications of them, and they are true.

It sounds like you logically love your wife but emotionally can't, or feel like you can't/don't know how to. You dated your wife for 4 years before marrying her, so there must have been something that made you stay (hopefully it was love) other than the sense of obligation. Maybe this newfound doubt stems from the sense of loss of freedom? Maybe you were never meant to be married? But that's contradictory since you've said you're looking for a real connection.

I think you need to figure out what you want, independent of other people. What do you want for yourself, in this lifetime? Maybe it's not marriage at all. If you do want a marriage, you should work on the one you currently have.

You say you don't understand love and can't analyze it. You're not supposed to understand love in a metaphysical sense. Depending on who you talk to people will say love is a feeling, or an action, or a choice. Feelings aside (because these are hard for you) do you see yourself loving your wife through your actions? If you do, why does it matter whether you understand the fundamental nature of love?

All of this dialogue is occurring in your own head when what you really need to do is communicate with your wife, difficult as it may be. Does she feel loved? If she does, then whatever you do is working, so why does it matter that you don't understand love? You say you don't love her in the emotional way she wants. Has she identified this as a problem or are you just projecting what you think she is thinking, i.e., what you wish she were thinking so you would have an easy out?