Why Does He Do This?

Hey everyone,

I come and post every so often, but I try to catch up on what's happening every day or so.

I've come to understand a lot about my Libra guy, but there's still one thing that I just don't get and I want to hear everyone's take on it.

We have been seeing each other since last October. We've known each other for years; had a thing in high school; moved on, then reconnected again last year. I wouldn't call this a fully committed relationship as we are not ready to be super serious with each other, but we do enjoy spending time together and talking on the phone. We both have things in our lives that keep us busy (and other situations) so we get to see each other maybe every two weeks or so (sometimes longer). We do talk a bit in between times.

So here's my dilemma: I will call him and leave messages, sometimes just to see how he's doing, sometimes a little more racier with thoughts of what we can do next time we're together. I know he gets these messages as he has commented about them, but he doesn't always return the call back. And to be fair, I don't ask him to return the call when I leave the messages; I do it just for fun and as a way to touch base. So yesterday when we were talking, he said "I listened to your messages and I wanted to drop what I was doing right there and go spend time with you." My thoughts are if he is thinking along those lines, why can't he at least then make a quick call and say "I wish I could be with you." If he enjoys the messages, and is thinking about me after hearing them, why does he not make a call back? It's almost as if he thinks he has to wait until he knows he has enough free time in order to call me? When he does call, we usually talk for at least half an hour, sometimes longer. And sometimes I think he needs to be in the appropriate mind set before calling, for instance, not having a bunch of work- or family-related things on his mind.

So what do you all think? Is he just acting like a typical Libra? Does he just not feel the need to be in constant contact with me? Do you think he does wait until it's the right time and right frame of mind before calling? Or is he just enjoying being the passive one in this relationship? Or is he just not into it that much?

Doesn't sound like you guys are in a relationship/commitment so he probably feels like there is no need to do those things. He is enjoying the time he spends with you.

Sounds like you're his distraction from day to day life as time permits. If it's not serious and it's been conveyed to him as such, then he's enjoying the fun you provide him.

When he says things like "I listened to your messages and I wanted to drop what I was doing right there and go spend time with you.", he's basically flirting right back to you. You are afterall sending him racy messages, so he's dishing out right back to you.

Honestly I don't see the dilemma. He's calling and you're hanging out as time permits because of both of your busy lives. Most times, women complain because the men are not calling us or wanting to hang out with us.

Good thoughts from both of you. Thanks! It is not a committed relationship, and at this point, i don't see that happening in the near future. We get together when we can. Sometimes it's more often; sometimes not. I guess if it was me, I would have called back and flirted a little more. Even if it was for only five minutes or so. But I think I'm more of a constant-contact, phone-to-my-ear kind of girl.

HP, when you said "he's calling you and you're hanging out as time permits" that hit home. Yes, we are hanging out when we can. So for what our lives are like now, this works! And he did tell me we should be able to get together more when summer winds down. I guess I just needed a renewed perspective of it from the outside.

Thanks!

MG, are you sure you aren't wanting something more? That really is the only time, women in general start reading more into what the situation is...

Queen, I've thought that too. At times, I think I do want more--I want to spend more time with him, I want him to call me and say he just can't stop thinking about me, I want him to surprise me with little gifts--but then other times I realize it really wouldn't work to have something more serious with him right now. And, honestly, sometimes I think maybe I'm just thinking how nice it would be to have a real relationship with someone, but maybe deep down I realize this is not really the right guy. When we were together in the past, it was a casual thing then, too. Neither one of us seemed to be able to make it more committed. Perhaps it just is a little blow to the ego knowing he isn't so enamored me me that he is head over heels in love, even though I don't feel that way about him.

Hmm.

If you know he isn't the right guy and you know you want a real relationship, why are you wasting time, energy, and thought on this guy? He probably knows you aren't the right person for him either, so it really has nothing to do with your appeal but your compatibility.

MG, if it isn't going to work out, then have fun with him for what it is. If you want more, get it. Are you a gem or a bull?

I'm a Gemini. I think I'm just going back and forth on this one, because I don't really know what I want either. And when we're together it is fun.

Maybe you should stop seeing him if you want more and he doesn't. It could be a waste of time.

You know what, I don't see it as a waste of time. We are enjoying each other's company when we are together. And since I don't really know what I want right now, I see no reason to stop seeing him when it works out. It seems like people (in general) are always so focused on obtaining that "exlusive" relationship. Maybe there's times when people don't want an exclusive relationship. You have to admit, in addition to bringing you joy and happiness, it also does bring its share of torment and heartache.

I think at this point, I'll just keep going as we've been.

awesome, then it sounds like your dilemma is solved!

***It seems like people (in general) are always so focused on obtaining that "exlusive" relationship. Maybe there's times when people don't want an exclusive relationship. ****

Only mentioned it being a waste of time because of your previous comments:

***At times, I think I do want more--I want to spend more time with him, I want him to call me and say he just can't stop thinking about me, I want him to surprise me with little gifts--***

When in a casual relationship, these are expectations you shouldn't have - there are no expectations, just going with the flow, hanging out ets. These are relationship expectations. If you really want this then you want more than a casual relationship and if he doesn't you might wind up getting hurt. Make sure you are sure what you want. You don't seem like you are. With Libras it is what it is. What they say is what they mean.

I was under the opinion you wanted more for the same reason Queen S was. If you are going to have an non-monogomous relationship just be prepared for it.

It doesn't sound like you are really crazy about the guy so I don't really get why you would want to continue.

Again, I am not sure what I want. Some days I think I do want more of a relationship with him, and other days I don't think I could handle a relationship with him (because of some quirks in his personality). Plus, in order to be in a full relationship, some things would have to change big time. And I also question whether I want to be involved in a be-all, end-all exclusive relationship. Maybe casual is the way to go. But I think on some level every girl wants to feel special, even if it is a casual thing (again, this may just be ego-stroking). But, at this point, I'm at a go-with-flow mental state, so I think I'll just let the natural ebb and tide move along.

But, what QS said above made me think about something (and this is just in general, not specifically to me), is it possible in a casual relationship for there to be sentiments of love/caring? An example: it is a casual relationship, the two spend a lot of time together, but they still see other people, and neither of them are ready to commit to exclusivity, but both know they care about the other person and enjoy spending time together. Could one or the other person make comments such as "I was thinking about you and just wanted to call" or "I bought this for you just because I thought you'd like it." Could these words be said or actions be made and the relationship stay on a casual level? Or does that automatically mean there's some level of commitment?

Just pondering.

Maygirl, yes those things can definitely be in a casual relationship. I have had those things in almost all of my casual relationships, however, they just happened, nothing was expected from the other. I actually had to cut off a couple of those relationships because I wasn't ready to get serious and the guy was. In one incident, the guy still wanted to be casual when I suddenly had feelings and then, I knew it was time to end it because I started feeling different and he didn't.

Well, like everything, I guess there's levels of commitment. And one thing I've learned is everyone's relationships are different. You can't compare yours to someone elses.

With my Libra guy, we've known each other for years and have got back together on several occasions, but nothing serious has ever developed. However, we both have said that we think about each other often and we are both happier with each other in our lives. So we'll see what happens from here.

As long as you can keep it in prespective, the nature of the relationship that is, then you should be fine. That is with all relationships, not individual. Is what I am saying. Be true to yourself about what is going on and you should be fine.

Thanks Queen. Sometimes it's easy to keep it in perspective; other times not.

You know I have several Libras in my life and they are all different in how they act, yet it seems like I'm still drawn to them.

MG, that is the gemini in you. 90% of my involvments, relationship, FWB, Marriage has been with a Libra, so I know what cha mean.

* it possible in a casual relationship for there to be sentiments of love/caring?

Of course! Just because an exclusive relationship is not possible because of compatibility, timing, whatever doesn't mean there isn't care or love there. It just is an acceptance that this is what it is for as long as it is and so be it.

* Could these words be said or actions be made and the relationship stay on a casual level? Or does that automatically mean there's some level of commitment?

I really think it depends on the two people involved. For example, if one is emotionally closed they may find this suffocating and totally back out of the relationship.

You know, I think we always want to put a label on a relationship, i.e. we're FWB or we're lovers or we're girlfriend/boyfriend, or something. Is it something in women? Do we feel the need to define relationships in relation to what "the norm" is for that culture? Why can't we say something like, "we are good friends with benefits when we want, a buddy/buddy feel when we want but also expressions of love sometimes when it hits us."

Do guys feel the need to put a label on a relationship?

And Queen, this has to be in the Gem in me that allows me to want more sometimes and be perfectly fine with little contact other times.

And those damn Libras! Why do they have to ring my bell each and every time! :-)

coz they can damnit!!!

Since you have said you are a gemini, I can tell you a bit more. Again going blunt.

You got no idea what you want from any relationship. You are having lots of dreams but unsure of what to pick and drop. He likes you and he know you are totally clueless about future. I think he might have tried to make you think along future lines a few times but you ignored it always and wanted some fun for the time being. Either stop disturbing him or start loving him in full scale. You will spoil his life by doing this. He wont be able to find another girl as interesting as you and will keep coming back. You will keep checking out every other guy you meet and you wont be satisfied. Most gemini I know either never gets married or marry very very late bcoz of this stupid irritating nature. Try to get a grip on your self deceptive nature first.

oooooooooooh ouch!!!

Got any blunt advice for a Leo?? LOL...nooooo don't go there!!! All good, all good - meow!!!

😛

again right by me thelibran! I have a gemini friend who was dealing exactly like you a similar situation. In the meantime she got married, she cheated, she not happy, but not misserable, she takes the resolution of getting her grip and staying cool, and puting her things in order, every other month. She's very dear to me and I hope she'll settle down sometime. But if you are dealing with a libra guy, it's no point hurting him. There are lots of signs that can take your swings more easily... If you really want him I thing you should show him this. No guarantee it will be the relationship of your life, but yet... what if?
Or maybe you're afraid he won't reciprocate? Hell girl, you won't know it till you try it.

Thelibran, point taken. I know in the past, when we've gotten together, I was worried that he didn't want anything serious, so I always tried to play nonchalant, like it didn't matter to me (when sometimes it really did). When we got back together this time, he mentioned something about when we were younger that we broke up because I started hanging out with a cooler crowd and basically left him. I don't remember it that way at all! I felt like he wasn't that into me anymore.

I do think I am a little better with him now. I feel like I'm a little more open about what he means to me, but I still find myself holding back, and maybe because I am afraid that this isn't what he wants and I will be hurt. So I play like it isn't any big thing to me. The last time we were together, he said "I love you" to me sort of off-hand. I was totally shocked and acted like I wasn't sure I heard him. I wanted to wait and see if he said it again, before I said anything back. And now we haven't had a chance to get together for several weeks.

Yes, I know I go back and forth with him. So if I do decide to try to love him full scale, as thelibran suggests, what should I do to show that? I don't think I've ever loved anyone full scale, so I don't know how to handle that.

Just tell him that you want to be with him if he is interested. He will take it from there... Just be open and tell him the same things you mentioned above. He will get it in its good meaning and will become more closer to you.