Dating someone diagnosed with BPD

Not bipolar personality disorder.. borderline personality disorder.

Please share your experiences.

Speak for yourself.

Posted by Jade_Alexander
I married one. He abused me, the kids and currently abuses his current GF. They are prone to disassociating and having violent outbursts. They cannot self regulate and swing between avoidantly sabotaging then anxiously love bombing. The usually have addictive personality due to the lack of self regulations be it sex or drinking. The cannot change or get better. They will be toxic, you decide if that's what you want.


He is not the only BPD I know, they all have toxic relationships with highs/low and high confrontation with friends, family and lovers. Lack of accountability, projecting their behaviors on to you. So when you have a heart to heart they cannot take that information and implement it into change.


They often do "splitting" in how they view themselves or others. They are either the victim or savior. The often see themselves as better than everyone than swing into shaming and criticizing. Which leads to suicidal behavior. Threatening suicide or attempting suicide for attention is not uncommon.


Let's put it this way. I married him and ultimately my children pay the cost. Their Father doesn't have the ability to feel authentic empathetic love. So he is easily annoyed by their child behavior and punishes them for age appropriate outbursts. He feels victimized and abandoned if they do know validate him (often letting him know they love him more then me. Choosing his wants over their own). He gets in massive arguments with his sweeter than pie GF. He cannot keep a job but blames everyone else. His spending habits kept us broke and he couldn't self regulate long enough to build our business properly.


On top of that when I was pregnant or just given birth he would go off the rails because I was so worn I couldn't make him #1. He needed my constant assurance and energy to feel whole and if I couldn't perform he would attack me. He recalls memories with almost no emotions "I saw you crying and it made me want to hurt you more".



Summary FUCKING RUN...

BLUF

Your. (future) children will be very angry with you (should it get that far).

Posted by SnowBunny726
Not bipolar personality disorder.. borderline personality disorder.


Please share your experiences.

Some of the best years of my life. Don't buy into the stigma some try to pin on the condition in question.. get to know the actual person first.

My ex of many years was undiagnosed when we met but I could tell something was a bit odd about her. She also had a bubbly personality, charm, curiosity and positivity that I found irresistable.

She sought out evaluation to get a diagnose cuz she herself suspected she had BPD (long story) and wanted to take control of her life, and she was right.

Her primary trigger was abandonment issues I guess.. altough that doesn't mean she let people treat her like a doormat, she's very stubborn and knew how to set her foot down, but she's also very forgiving and thinks best of everyone. I tried to tell her to start at the opposite end, never trust anyone until they give you a reason to, and not vice versa.

She didn't have a habit of throwing tantrums, acting all crazy and controlling etc. like they always say about BPD.

One major thing though is communication.. it took me long time to learn that sometimes she's trying to tell you something specific (about her feelings) but it comes out as a whole different thing.

Like this time we were drunk and out of nowhere she started badmouthing my new work and me for working there out of the blue... like it became the fight of that night... then I figured out the next day it was her subconscious being afraid of us drifting apart cuz we wouldn't be working at the same place anymore, so instead in her state of mind it came out as her dissing my new workplace. 😅 Stuff like that.

Paradoxically she was always a straight shooter and said exactly what she meant, needed, wanted. Just sometimes, she had a hard time putting words on those things so I had to free style lol

But yeah, one of my favourite ppl in the world, we were complete opposites in everything but it seemed to only bring us closer somehow. Another thing I loved about her is that there were no mind-games or passive-aggressive behaviour or trying to control/manipulate me.. it was just straight honesty, always wore her heart on a sleeve. Didn't know how to be any other way.

Though we split up because of different life style s , I guess her biggest struggle is combing what she wants and what she needs (due to early attachment patterns) but we remained close friends.

Anyway that's our story.

But like any other condition, there are high functioning and not-so high functioning people. Combined with an other letter combination it can spell a disaster, but BPD alone is perfectly managable.

Though, bear in mind, a vulnerable guy is more dangerous than a vulnerable woman: Women turn destructive feelings inwards, towards themselves; men turn them outwards.



Note: Something wrong with the coding here, cannot properly spell free style and life style without the Matrix putting a space between 🤔

There was also an unfiltered kind of selfishness to her, like you'd expect from a child, but that's bc she didn't always know or understand how her actions or behaviour comes off (another typical bpd trait) but when I explained to her she understood or tried to understand, or she'd just come with a counterargument. Not saying I was always right, sometimes we just had a different way of looking at things

Posted by Shamalamadingdongmcshlong
lmao. Werent you bitching about your toxic ex some time ago? Abuse and chaos must be comfortable environment for you. Go for it.

Nope, you must have me confused with someone else. I don't spend much time here any longer and she wasn't toxic so it couldn't be her I was talking about, if I in fact was talking about "some ex"

I have no experience, but I think that the same way as with other disorders. If the owner of a disorder do not want to do anything with it, that will be a waste of your time (in the best scenario).

What the psychophobic crap do you write here? Abuse is abuse. BPD is BPD.

Posted by Jade_Alexander

You're right, I haven't worked with multiple therapists. Have interventions. Do hours of research, support groups and so on. My words may hurt but there is truth. BPD is a personality disorder, it creates problems that impact relationships, friendships, and self regulation. I'm not the bad guy because I'm realistic. If you have it then I'm sorry. Treatment Centers or DBT are the best options but realistically it will have strong effects.

Posted by Jade_Alexander

Posted by VenusAquarius
BLUF

Your. (future) children will be very angry with you (should it get that far).

THIS


My 8 yr old sobs that she's not good enough because her Dad emotionally neglects her. Then she wants to fight him because she witnesses him abuse on the eldest. He beat her when she was only 4.


My autistic child was unloved as well. He wanted to duct tape her hands as a toddler. He hit her so hard it help marks and I had to keep her home so school wouldn't call CPS.


He punished me for getting pregnant with #5 although he raped me and took the condom off. I was punished her entire pregnancy and he had nothing to do with her until I left him.\


My son has no idea how to be a man. How to handle his emotions or others, I have to be his mother and father.


My kids have so much trauma and a father wound I cannot heal. I can only offer therapy and security in my home. They love their dad, they want his love so badly.

click to expand

That sounds like a psychopath

Posted by SnowBunny726
Not bipolar personality disorder.. borderline personality disorder.


Please share your experiences.

This sounds dangerous. I hope whoever has this gets the help they need.

Doesn't even seem like they should be dating, they should be trying to heal instead.

The 9 symptoms of BPD

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Unstable relationships

Unclear or shifting self-image

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors

Self-harm

Extreme emotional swings

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Explosive anger

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by SnowBunny726
Not bipolar personality disorder.. borderline personality disorder.

Please share your experiences.

This sounds dangerous. I hope whoever has this gets the help they need.


Doesn't even seem like they should be dating, they should be trying to heal instead.


The 9 symptoms of BPD


Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Unstable relationships

Unclear or shifting self-image

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors

Self-harm

Extreme emotional swings

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Explosive anger

click to expand

Thanks for your Google search input but you do not "heal" from BPD, you get tools to help you navigate through hard times. There is no "cure"..

So according to your logic someone with BPD should never date, try and have a normal life but just focus on their disorder?

Posted by Enfant-Terrible-II

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by SnowBunny726
Not bipolar personality disorder.. borderline personality disorder.

Please share your experiences.

This sounds dangerous. I hope whoever has this gets the help they need.


Doesn't even seem like they should be dating, they should be trying to heal instead.


The 9 symptoms of BPD


Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Unstable relationships

Unclear or shifting self-image

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors

Self-harm

Extreme emotional swings

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Explosive anger

Thanks for your Google search input but you do not "heal" from BPD, you get tools to help you navigate through hard times. There is no "cure"..

So according to your logic someone with BPD should never date, try and have a normal life but just focus on their disorder?

click to expand

Managing it is healing. If a person can manage it and not be toxic, dating should go fairly well.

Practice mindfulness of your emotions. Notice the emotion you are having and let yourself experience it as a wave without trying to block it, suppress it, or hold onto it. Try to accept the emotion for what it is. Try to stay in the moment so you do not carry the past emotions along with it.

You act like this is black and white?

Plenty of toxic people date and screw people over all the time and they don't have this disorder.

One of my sisters (a licensed therapist) is about 95% sure our mom has this.

Like any disorder, it's manageable with treatment. The problem with BPD is that a lot of people with it don't seek treatment - or actively avoid treatment and outright distain therapy. And, since BPD usually has the strongest effects on those closest to the BPD individual, it's hard to find support in getting the individual to see they help.

Posted by Jade_Alexander

Posted by Enfant-Terrible-II

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by SnowBunny726
Not bipolar personality disorder.. borderline personality disorder.

Please share your experiences.

This sounds dangerous. I hope whoever has this gets the help they need.

Doesn't even seem like they should be dating, they should be trying to heal instead.

The 9 symptoms of BPD

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Unstable relationships

Unclear or shifting self-image

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors

Self-harm

Extreme emotional swings

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Explosive anger
click to expand

Thanks for your Google search input but you do not "heal" from BPD, you get tools to help you navigate through hard times. There is no "cure"..


So according to your logic someone with BPD should never date, try and have a normal life but just focus on their disorder?

Honestly, I don't know if most of them should date. The ones I know have all created deep trauma for their partners. I'm sure some have far more manageable symptoms. But I also believe a lot of people date when they shouldn't even with out a personality disorder...

But like Narcs, BPD and so on really cannot achieve proper emotional connection to their partners or children. Sooooo, maybe they should really contemplate if it's fair to themselves or others.

click to expand

That can be said literally about most people. Clearly you are coming from a place of bitterness and resentment.

How far shall we stretch your argument? Should ppl with Down syndrome have kids? Should people with predesposition for alcoholism/addiction have kids and pass on their genes?

What I saw with my ex is that she broke the cycle of abuse and she would be a great mother from what I've observed. She has a great way with children, worked in Montessori preschool for a few years and kids from that time still walk up to her in their preteens and want to say hi. She's very pedagogical yet fun and has a great sense of responsibility which she also passes on effortlessly.

To a person with BPD, or any other condition brought upon by a history of abuse, sometimes the way to actually find meaning and purpose, and forgiveness for those who wronged them in their childhood, is to actually themselves assume the part of the wrongdoer figure but this time do it right. I think that releases something way more powerful than any therapy.

But yeah not all people have the capacity to break the cycle.

Posted by Andalusia
One of my sisters (a licensed therapist) is about 95% sure our mom has this.


Like any disorder, it's manageable with treatment. The problem with BPD is that a lot of people with it don't seek treatment - or actively avoid treatment and outright distain therapy. And, since BPD usually has the strongest effects on those closest to the BPD individual, it's hard to find support in getting the individual to see they help.

True.

Ultimately seeking help is about self-reflection and how much insight a person has into themselves. That's the high-functionimg end of the spectrum.

The other end is the abuse has been so ingraved in you that just scratching the surface u realize what a long way up hill it is and you just don't have the emotional energy to start the journey. It's like ptsd in a sense.

Another thing is that ppl with BPD feel more "at home" in chaos, like chaos is more managable than balance so they constantly and unintentionally seek a chaotic life style even when they themselves know it's bad for them. But acknowledging it and how it relates to childhood attachment patterns may change that behaviour

The fact is that you are psychophobic AF.

Posted by Jade_Alexander

Facts are facts. Having BPD creates a higher risk of DV. You keep attacking me without prdsenting any information to counterpoint. Does EVERY person with BPD commit DV? No, does it greatly increase the risk? ABSOLUTELY.


https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-016-0885-7

https://mentalhealthcenter.com/borderline-personality-and-abuse-cycle/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-science-mental-health/202110/borderline-personality-disorder-and-relationship-violence

https://www.verywellmind.com/borderline-personality-and-violence-425192

I was seeing not seeing someone for a bit.

There are different kinds of BPD.

My first sentence is a hallmark of BPD🤣

I was sensitive to her too so it was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings.

Bit of a shit show but not toxic🤷

BPD is basically emotional regulation that stems from not learning how to manage and cope with their own emotions. With high sensitivity to other people's feeling and emotions out of survival for some reason.

She is Hyper sensitive. Causing her to go against their own emotional well-being to appease others. Causing emotional explosions, passive aggressive behavior, and dishonesty. Mirroring and people pleasing. Most common cause is in their childhood is severe emotional neglect and anticipating and catering to another to get what they need to feel safe or accepted. They wear their heart on their sleeve. She got a huge heart.

👆 This is her. Her mom is a piece of work

emotionally unstable and manipulative but also needy. She is very very good at reading people's emotions and feels it herself. It upsets her when others are upset around her.

Empathic would be a simple way of putting it. She can't handle conflict. Looks to others on what to feel about something. Copying others to get along,... think highschool and trying to fit in.

All she needed to get over this, is space to learn to be herself and who that is. Stable healthy relationships and patience while she figures that out.

Honestly we are all capable of this level of sensitivity. It's just BPD people were forced to learn it in childhood for one reason or another....to survive.

They can eventually learn tactics and to figure themselves out and how to express and manage thier emotions. The sensitivity doesn't go away though. Even after they do.

The best thing you can do for them, is to let them express themselves while maintaining your own boundaries. It takes a lot of effort and time on their part. They are literally rewiring their brain by learning new cognitive habits and responses.

I there are YouTube channels dedicated to advice and instructions for people with BPD and their loved ones.

From what I’ve seen, it’s difficult in a relationship. Very angry reactions beyond what seems normal & takes days to calm down and be normal again. Creates a roller coaster. I know one person who is diagnosed, and another I’m pretty sure.. the behavior was very similar and it’s scary.

Posted by PuzzlePieces
From what I’ve seen, it’s difficult in a relationship. Very angry reactions beyond what seems normal & takes days to calm down and be normal again. Creates a roller coaster. I know one person who is diagnosed, and another I’m pretty sure.. the behavior was very similar and it’s scary.

Does the person tend to hold grudges for longer than the average person?

Posted by SnowBunny726

Posted by PuzzlePieces
From what I’ve seen, it’s difficult in a relationship. Very angry reactions beyond what seems normal & takes days to calm down and be normal again. Creates a roller coaster. I know one person who is diagnosed, and another I’m pretty sure.. the behavior was very similar and it’s scary.

Does the person tend to hold grudges for longer than the average person?

click to expand

For these two people, yes.

Read the thread below entitled “struggling”. One or both protagonists of this drama are very likely to have BPD…

Never dated someone with it, but one of my close friends has it. She's pretty transparent about everything though.

Very erratic mood swings, impulsive behavior and complex feelings.

Things can be going fine, but if she becomes upset she is ready to sink the ship in a moment's notice. She'll often interact and then invite a random man over for sex. If there's any type of mishap or something such as him stopping to get gas on his way, she will immediately spazz out and block him. Things must go perfectly or she will feel the need to move on instantly.

Impulsive spending is a problem. She will often send me several hundred to a thousand dollars to hold. Just for the simple fact that she may go to the casino and blow the money. Although she's not an unlucky person and has hit for 8K and several other thousand before without spending a ton.

Criticizing her during an episode will only make things worse as she will leap to the conclusion she needs to comment suicide. Two days later, she impulsively books a cruise and now she's in Puerto Rico at a strip club. That's sort of a snapshot of her behavior. Having a complete breakdown and then in another country at a strip club within 48 hours and behaving as if nothing happened.

Overall, I don't think she's a terrible person. She fairly honest and will break bread, especially in times of need.

But she needs to take her fucking medication.