From Co-dependent to Independent

I'm trying really hard to learn how to be more independent. I honestly have never been alone my while life, I've come from very dependent relationships, family and friends.

Recently I've been seeing a guy who is reclusive. He does well with letting me stay by him 3 to 4 days a week, but I always seem to want more and I get bratty and panicked when I know I'm not going to see him.

I recently moved out of my mom's house and being alone in my apartment just makes me super anxious and I end up calling my boyfriend up in hysterics. He use to be cool with it, but now i can tell it's a real bother to him.

I started calling my friends too and sometimes I'll crash at their place.

My apartment is a mess, I have so much to do but i just can't bring myself to do it and instead I take a bath and fall asleep for 12 hours.

Ultimately I know this will destroy my relationship but it's for real an issue.

He's tried everyrthing, being sympathetic, hard- love , calling me a baby, he's enabled me ...and I know he's at his witts end.

I realize the issue I just can't seem to shake it.

Posted by HoovesofTopaz
Well the first thing you have to do is to get outside of your thoughts. It will take constant reminders from yourself to stay productive and not dwell on such things.

They are my worst enemy, and send me into a spiral...I just think how I'm annoying everyone and a burden and it just makes it worse

Posted by HoovesofTopaz

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by HoovesofTopaz
Well the first thing you have to do is to get outside of your thoughts. It will take constant reminders from yourself to stay productive and not dwell on such things.

They are my worst enemy, and send me into a spiral...I just think how I'm annoying everyone and a burden and it just makes it worse click to expand

I edited my previous post. I don’t want to be a dick, but you probably are being annoying to people close to you... but that doesn’t mean that they’re going to leave you, or think badly of you. Humans have a high tolerance for bs from people they care about. Well Just in general they do, but especially when a loved one is involved. click to expand

click to expand

Yes I know and he and my friends have been supportive. UT unrealized my friends answer my calls less and my boyfriend told me I'm really starting to be bothersome and he just doesn't know what to do. I'm sure week after week he has had the thought of just leaving me.

Which makes me so anxious

And thank you for offering your help, it's appreciated

The only way to learn about yourself is being by yourself. Learn to enjoy your time off from people and see it as a time to do things that you really enjoy it. You have to look at it as something positive.

Go out for a walk and observe people. Be in the moment and don’t think about anyone but you and what is around you. Go to visit different places. Exhibitions. Museum. Nature. Do exercise. Dance. Find different hobbies. You have to find things you enjoy by yourself. Then you will be so much happier.

Posted by tiziani
Really? I don't feel co-dependency destroys my relationship but it's all about tastes I guess.

I get that sometimes it can cross the line but I don't feel it goes as deep as changing my entire nature. And yeah hobbies, things people can enjoy to themselves, that never hurts either.

Nobody would ever guess you're a Libra, tiz lol

Aries = me

Libra = we

😊

Posted by Boots1313
I'm trying really hard to learn how to be more independent. I honestly have never been alone my while life, I've come from very dependent relationships, family and friends.
Recently I've been seeing a guy who is reclusive. He does well with letting me stay by him 3 to 4 days a week, but I always seem to want more and I get bratty and panicked when I know I'm not going to see him.
I recently moved out of my mom's house and being alone in my apartment just makes me super anxious and I end up calling my boyfriend up in hysterics. He use to be cool with it, but now i can tell it's a real bother to him.
I started calling my friends too and sometimes I'll crash at their place.
My apartment is a mess, I have so much to do but i just can't bring myself to do it and instead I take a bath and fall asleep for 12 hours.
Ultimately I know this will destroy my relationship but it's for real an issue.
He's tried everyrthing, being sympathetic, hard- love , calling me a baby, he's enabled me ...and I know he's at his witts end.
I realize the issue I just can't seem to shake it.

You may wish to consider getting some help around the anxiety

Cognitive behaviour therapy may help...or even EFT

Sometimes we need a little help to get there....I did and I am now extremely independent, so much so I hardly recognise myself 🌞

Yes get help with the dependency thing, and learn that it's ok to be by yourself for awhile. Moving out from under parents home is a part of growing and learning more about yourself instead of leaning on others to meet your needs. It will be very healthy for you and good for all your relationships as well. This could turn into some sort of anxiety disorder which you don't want that - I'm sure it is producing some anxiety but you will need to learn how to cope better and not be so anxious to the point that it freezes you. Baby steps. It would be really nice for you to get your space in order Taurus Sun Virgo Moon loves that stuff normally. Have all your things around you and make some dinner for yourself. Bond with your space and with help you will learn to enjoy it much more and be by yourself and take care of yourself. You can't expect others to do that for you forever.

Posted by tiziani
Really? I don't feel co-dependency destroys my relationship but it's all about tastes I guess.

I get that sometimes it can cross the line but I don't feel it goes as deep as changing my entire nature. And yeah hobbies, things people can enjoy to themselves, that never hurts either.

Maybe you've just never experienced being close to someone who is so dependent they can't seem to breathe without you - or maybe you like that ? I find that seriously annoying and if that person was not getting some help on their own, then I would most likely have to excuse myself from that relationship. That might be because I've been extremely independent my entire life and then there is also my Cap Moon - take no prisoners.

Posted by pisceswoman123

The only way to learn about yourself is being by yourself. Learn to enjoy your time off from people and see it as a time to do things that you really enjoy it. You have to look at it as something positive.
Go out for a walk and observe people. Be in the moment and don’t think about anyone but you and what is around you. Go to visit different places. Exhibitions. Museum. Nature. Do exercise. Dance. Find different hobbies. You have to find things you enjoy by yourself. Then you will be so much happier.

Thank you for the advice. I realize these are things I need to do and I have tried, but unfortunately the anxiety surrounding doing these things can be crippling.

I've been going to the gym, and walking on the beach, I try to exhaust myself so when u go home I can just pass out and not think, but it still doesn't seem to be enough.

But thank you for the advice

Posted by RooSagicorn
Find some hobbies that you can concentrate on. Put your thoughts in a journal. Write down 10 things you are grateful for everyday. There is a support group called CODA it is codependents anonymous if you are truly codependent it may help. I went for 2 years once a week. It made a huge difference.

When I left my husband & had to be alone on nights I didn’t have my kids it was horrible. But I learned to be alone, and all these things helped I was codependent too. But I actually do better with space now. Space to be me. It’s been a journey but well worth it.

Thank you, I had no idea there was a support group. Also you seem like such a wise independent ppperson based on your personal here. I would have never thought you had those issues.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for and a fullnlife, it could be so much has worse, but evening knowing all this doesn't help some nights.

Thank you though, you were very helpful

Posted by tiziani
Really? I don't feel co-dependency destroys my relationship but it's all about tastes I guess.

I get that sometimes it can cross the line but I don't feel it goes as deep as changing my entire nature. And yeah hobbies, things people can enjoy to themselves, that never hurts either.

Lol it does when you are literally begging the person for their attention 24/7.

And that person already has an estaished life outside of our relationship.

Posted by C69
Libra rising problems ?

I still live with my mom and grandma because I can’t stay alone for more than 4 days, I spiral down into hysterical depression real fast

don’t have any advice, just came to relate to ya

maybe we’re not made to live alone

Yup, sounds just like me. Might be more of a product of environment then astrology related.

Grandma raised me until she passed then my mom didn't want me leaving her. My mom never lived on her own, been in the same house 60 years, and expected me to do the same.

Posted by tiziani

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by tiziani
Really? I don't feel co-dependency destroys my relationship but it's all about tastes I guess.

I get that sometimes it can cross the line but I don't feel it goes as deep as changing my entire nature. And yeah hobbies, things people can enjoy to themselves, that never hurts either.

Lol it does when you are literally begging the person for their attention 24/7.
And that person already has an estaished life outside of our relationship.
click to expand

Fair play, I can't say I've experienced that. click to expand

click to expand

It isn't a fun feeling. It is embarrassing also. In the moment the anxiety completely takes over and I sound crazy. When my rationale comes back to me and I'm "omg, I'm so sorry and embarassed. Let me crawl in a hole" and the cycle starts again...

Posted by tiziani

Posted by tctaa

Posted by tiziani
Really? I don't feel co-dependency destroys my relationship but it's all about tastes I guess.

I get that sometimes it can cross the line but I don't feel it goes as deep as changing my entire nature. And yeah hobbies, things people can enjoy to themselves, that never hurts either.

Maybe you've just never experienced being close to someone who is so dependent they can't seem to breathe without you - or maybe you like that ? I find that seriously annoying and if that person was not getting some help on their own, then I would most likely have to excuse myself from that relationship. That might be because I've been extremely independent my entire life and then there is also my Cap Moon - take no prisoners. click to expand

Can't say I relate. It doesn't bother me. I expect everyone to be able to do their own emotional maintenance and be able to take care of themselves in a squeeze but other than that I've seen the benefits of co-dependence outweigh any drawbacks so far. click to expand

click to expand

I'm interested in what youEan when you say there are "benefits of co-dependency " and it out weights the drawbacks...can you expand in this?

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by pisceswoman123

The only way to learn about yourself is being by yourself. Learn to enjoy your time off from people and see it as a time to do things that you really enjoy it. You have to look at it as something positive.
Go out for a walk and observe people. Be in the moment and don’t think about anyone but you and what is around you. Go to visit different places. Exhibitions. Museum. Nature. Do exercise. Dance. Find different hobbies. You have to find things you enjoy by yourself. Then you will be so much happier.

Thank you for the advice. I realize these are things I need to do and I have tried, but unfortunately the anxiety surrounding doing these things can be crippling.
I've been going to the gym, and walking on the beach, I try to exhaust myself so when u go home I can just pass out and not think, but it still doesn't seem to be enough.
But thank you for the advice click to expand

click to expand

Have you tried to listen to youtube self help videos? I think they can help you. It can not be easy feelings how you describe.

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by pisceswoman123

The only way to learn about yourself is being by yourself. Learn to enjoy your time off from people and see it as a time to do things that you really enjoy it. You have to look at it as something positive.
Go out for a walk and observe people. Be in the moment and don’t think about anyone but you and what is around you. Go to visit different places. Exhibitions. Museum. Nature. Do exercise. Dance. Find different hobbies. You have to find things you enjoy by yourself. Then you will be so much happier.

Thank you for the advice. I realize these are things I need to do and I have tried, but unfortunately the anxiety surrounding doing these things can be crippling.
I've been going to the gym, and walking on the beach, I try to exhaust myself so when u go home I can just pass out and not think, but it still doesn't seem to be enough.
But thank you for the advice click to expand

Have you tried to listen to youtube self help videos? I think they can help you. It can not be easy feelings how you describe. click to expand

click to expand

I haven't. I didn't even think about that great idea. Maybe while I'm at the gym or on my commute home I can do that.

And no, it isn't easy, it's embarrassing. And I'm a pretty rational person in my day to day, so it ducks knowing I have this issue and little control over it.

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by pisceswoman123

The only way to learn about yourself is being by yourself. Learn to enjoy your time off from people and see it as a time to do things that you really enjoy it. You have to look at it as something positive.
Go out for a walk and observe people. Be in the moment and don’t think about anyone but you and what is around you. Go to visit different places. Exhibitions. Museum. Nature. Do exercise. Dance. Find different hobbies. You have to find things you enjoy by yourself. Then you will be so much happier.

Thank you for the advice. I realize these are things I need to do and I have tried, but unfortunately the anxiety surrounding doing these things can be crippling.
I've been going to the gym, and walking on the beach, I try to exhaust myself so when u go home I can just pass out and not think, but it still doesn't seem to be enough.
But thank you for the advice click to expand

Have you tried to listen to youtube self help videos? I think they can help you. It can not be easy feelings how you describe. click to expand

I haven't. I didn't even think about that great idea. Maybe while I'm at the gym or on my commute home I can do that.
And no, it isn't easy, it's embarrassing. And I'm a pretty rational person in my day to day, so it ducks knowing I have this issue and little control over it. click to expand

click to expand

I am glad that you like the idea.

There are so many there. From inspiration, to mind fullness to motivation.

I hope you find the ones that can make a difference for you 😊

Posted by tiziani
The drawbacks you and Roo described sound like negative emotional spirals to me. There are ways to work through that if that is what you're referring to.

Yes, it is the emotional outburst and the lack of control in that moment, that makes it a burden to loved ones. It's the fear, the real panic, sweating, heart racing and the feeling of dred. Crying hysterics fits and complete breakdown all because you are "forced" to be alone for one night.

Like I stated above...I'm a rational person in my day to day life. I have a successful career, I have hobbies, I exercise, I'm a prolific artist, I love my plants and my pets...that's why having this issue is so trying and draining and embarassing. I honestly have no reason to be Iike this