Me/Pisces-Him/Virgo

Hello everyone, I haven't come on here for a long time. I need all of your input I can get, because I'm overthinking and I can't stand it. I met a man in one of the video games and we got close over a few months. That was over a year and a half ago. All sweet and cute, a month in, us talking, playing and reviewing each game session every couple days. He expressed romantic desire soon and I reciprocated, telling him I'm traditional and he has to pursue me properly if he wants us together. At this point we were very close already and when I brought up something that was bothering me and requested we talk - he ignored it and didn't get back to me. I found it strange but didn't do anything and I didn't go after him either, only took a mental note of what happened. We stopped playing soon after, because he was being hot and cold.

3 months pass in total silence and then I wished him a happy Easter and soon we started playing again, he expressed his desire to be "my angel and my hero" and one day maybe after a few days of playing together - he got distant, because I didn't reciprocate his hot and heavy, one night before he went to sleep he told me he'd be thinking of me and I didn't respond, I said good night. Then I explained that him being silent for 3 months didn't sit well with me and I need consistency over time to feel safe. We kept playing and spending time together. At one point he worked late and I asked him to leave me a message once he got home and wished him a good night. I woke up to nothing in my inbox and I asked him how he got home and why he didn't leave a message, to which he called me dramatic, saying he's got enough problems on his plate and he doesn't want extra headache, i.e this relationship can't work. We talked and we seemed to overcome everything. I was being understanding and told him we will be fine, but both of us need to put in the effort.

We talked a lot and the physical intimacy was mentioned, he said he has to be satisfied and that he can't compromise in the bedroom department and if there's no connection in bed - he doesn't see it going anywhere. I didn't understand, we hadn't even slept together, or built sexual rapport, so how does he know we are not compatible? I opened up to him saying I'm rather inexperienced, but once we are in a relationship my partner's pleasure is my pleasure. Fast forward and I'm noticing my emotional needs are not being met. I brought it up - he says he's crazy for me, but there are obstacles in our way and he can't give me the kind of attention I want". I didn't pay attention to this, thought it would change, a few days later we spent all day together playing/talking and when parting he said to sleep well and not to worry, he'll take care of me. At this point we had already agreed to meet up. He was supposed to visit my town fairly quickly - which he didn't bring up again. A few days later and he's acting sketchy. I added his extra account and he didn't accept the request, saying he forgot, which was total bs.

At this point I'm fed up. I sat him down and asked for a conversation to decide how are we moving forward, if at all, He responds the next morning heavily horny, borderline disrespectful, completely disregarding my message. Saying he feels guilty reading what I said, because whenever he thinks of me he craves me. I ask him why would I be thinking about sex when he's not the man I need him to be. He said okay and asks me to be honest with what I want and he'll respect it, that message was lost into 15 other messages from him, once again I reassured him that our sexual life will be satisfactory and he has nothing to worry about, then I finally read him asking me what I wanted and I told him, a committed relationship and to build a life together. He says I'm sorry, I can't. Why ask me if you can't—

He continues, saying he's not satisfied and doesn't wanna waste time with someone frigid and closed off. (—) That he doesn't expect me to be sweet when we talk, but I have to flirt and tease him a certain way. This sounded undeservedly demanding to me. At the end of the convo, his disrespectful message hit me again, even though he had said he didn't mean to cross my boundaries - that's exactly what happened and I went ahead and set those boundaries. it came out cold and to the point. I told him his sexual satisfaction is none of my business for the time being, because he's not my partner and if he wants to be - then he'll do everything and more to make it happen.

I got blocked.

I felt sorry for him and sent a message saying it wasn't a rejection, but an invitation to make our dreams reality. In response he deleted the acct where we met.

I didn't say anything else and it's been over a month.

The way he spoke the last time, I got the impression that he expected things "online", which was never going to happen. Any bits I spoke about sex, was the glimpse of what our life together would have been like, under one roof!

I'm sad about me being perceived the wrong way and even my pure intentions potentially being misunderstood. I'm debating to send him another message, to let him know what I wanted yet again, even though I've done it countless times already. What do you all think?

Just to let you all know, he wasn't always like that and we shared many tender moments before, that's why I stuck with him.

Our chart is to be extremely compatible:

Me - Sun/Venus/Mercury - Pisces, Moon/Cancer, Virgo rising and Gemini mars.

Him - Sun/Mercury - Virgo, Moon/Pisces, Cancer Venus and Aries mars.

And English isn't his native language, so there has been a misunderstanding in the past regarding something trivial too.

Run. Just run. Look into attachment style s, particularly avoidant. Everything you just said is what youll find. And I promise you, it isnt you, its him. Dont wonder what you did wrong, dont try to correct your behavior, its not you, its him.. the over dramatic comment, the ready to bail over sex and things that havent even happened, thats avoidant behavior. Its a cycle, and you want to get out now. You cant "fix" him, it his nervous system terrified of getting close to you.. thats why it started when you guys started trying to get romantic. Youre sweet, youre dreaming about a future, thats what happens, thats whats normal, but those are expectations, and avoidant people are terrified of other peoples expectations of them.. and you want to assure them, youre probably pretty accepting, you want the future youve envisioned together. And thats the trap.. you try harder, they feel more pressure, and it feeds a cycle.. if you make plans, they cancel, you start to get close, they share vulnerable information about themselves, they ghost for a while.. when they come back the avoid any direct conversations about why they ghosted..

Just run. The reality is for 3 months you weren't important enough for him to reach out to. That tells you what you need to know.. dont blame yourself in any way. You weren't too much, you weren't dramatic, this is whats called the fault finding stage, its him making excuses for his own insecurities.. dont hang onto your projections of how you thought things should go, this is what he is. You aren't going to change it by minimizing yourself so he doesnt run away again. It will make you anxious. You do it enough, and it ends up as a trauma bond.

Here's another thing, youre on here asking questions that a normal relationship would be able to address inside the relationship. Im sure youd prefer to get clarity directly from him, right? But he wont give you clarity.. he's avoidant, they dont do clarity for you.. clarity is also commitment to a story.. if they commit to a story they cant change the story in their minds as to why they are doing things they know are wrong. It has to be your fault in their mind so they feel better and it justifies them leaving. Theyre cowards.

Im sure you understand having arguments in a relationship is super healthy, right? Not fights, but sorting issues like these out, takes a level of confrontation with each other, an ourselves. Avoidant people dont do this.. they discard you instead.. they run.. anytime shit gets real, they bail. And they'll do it over and over again.

Just look into avoidant attachment. And run, and dont look back.

You both sound like complete nightmares

Sounds like he's trying to convince himself for a reason to stay so he figures in his mind, if the sex is good then he will stay. But he's so hot and cold, he leaves you wondering if he's even worth it. I don't think it's anything you did outright. It's obvious he pulls away when you say you need something from him.

I don’t mean to be crude but it’s pretty clear he just wants to f*ck and doesn’t want to be bothered with your feelings.

I don't think you can find a guy who is willing to marry you/get engaged without having sex first on an online gaming platform!

You could try religious dating apps? Or your family could set you up.

Are you a religious person? If so, maybe show that on your instagram- posts about religion and you with your family, you cooking, could attract a religious guy with similar mindset online.



Or at least help get rid of other guys faster lol

Even in your bio, put stuff like I love jesus or Muslim girl that loves to cook! /draw etc

Posted by Hatter1111
Run. Just run. Look into attachment style s, particularly avoidant. Everything you just said is what youll find. And I promise you, it isnt you, its him. Dont wonder what you did wrong, dont try to correct your behavior, its not you, its him.. the over dramatic comment, the ready to bail over sex and things that havent even happened, thats avoidant behavior. Its a cycle, and you want to get out now. You cant "fix" him, it his nervous system terrified of getting close to you.. thats why it started when you guys started trying to get romantic. Youre sweet, youre dreaming about a future, thats what happens, thats whats normal, but those are expectations, and avoidant people are terrified of other peoples expectations of them.. and you want to assure them, youre probably pretty accepting, you want the future youve envisioned together. And thats the trap.. you try harder, they feel more pressure, and it feeds a cycle.. if you make plans, they cancel, you start to get close, they share vulnerable information about themselves, they ghost for a while.. when they come back the avoid any direct conversations about why they ghosted..

Just run. The reality is for 3 months you weren't important enough for him to reach out to. That tells you what you need to know.. dont blame yourself in any way. You weren't too much, you weren't dramatic, this is whats called the fault finding stage, its him making excuses for his own insecurities.. dont hang onto your projections of how you thought things should go, this is what he is. You aren't going to change it by minimizing yourself so he doesnt run away again. It will make you anxious. You do it enough, and it ends up as a trauma bond.

Here's another thing, youre on here asking questions that a normal relationship would be able to address inside the relationship. Im sure youd prefer to get clarity directly from him, right? But he wont give you clarity.. he's avoidant, they dont do clarity for you.. clarity is also commitment to a story.. if they commit to a story they cant change the story in their minds as to why they are doing things they know are wrong. It has to be your fault in their mind so they feel better and it justifies them leaving. Theyre cowards.

Im sure you understand having arguments in a relationship is super healthy, right? Not fights, but sorting issues like these out, takes a level of confrontation with each other, an ourselves. Avoidant people dont do this.. they discard you instead.. they run.. anytime shit gets real, they bail. And they'll do it over and over again.

Just look into avoidant attachment. And run, and don't look back.

Yes, that sounds correct. The only thing is, I didn't quite understand why our relationship wasn't developing at a healthy pace. To be honest it has never occurred to me, if he might be an avoidant. My appetite for us was growing and his seemed to be unchanged, with added desire for sexual gratification. Yes, all relationships have disagreements and they are resolved quickly too, at least I did my part.

Little added detail, before him blocking me - he deleted all of his sent messages throughout the chat, talking about him going great length 😄

How I calculate those matters is this. It's been over a year we've known each other, if a relationship is progressing it has to within that timeline.

Posted by RollergirlOrc
Sounds like he's trying to convince himself for a reason to stay so he figures in his mind, if the sex is good then he will stay. But he's so hot and cold, he leaves you wondering if he's even worth it. I don't think it's anything you did outright. It's obvious he pulls away when you say you need something from him.

Your observation is important, because most of the times I get lost into details and can't see a bigger picture. You basically summarized it perfectly for me. The thing is, it doesn't matter if he stays or goes if my needs are not met and sooner or later I'll have to find someone else if he's not up to a task, because I know what I want for myself.

You want marriage he wants sex,

You're not on the same page

Posted by PilatesBod
I don’t mean to be crude but it’s pretty clear he just wants to f*ck and doesn’t want to be bothered with your feelings.

Yeah?? Then he were to think about that prior to him confessing his undying love for me. No kidding he's said he's in love with me, a few times 😄

Posted by Polyannanana
Are you a religious person? If so, maybe show that on your instagram- posts about religion and you with your family, you cooking, could attract a religious guy with similar mindset online.



Or at least help get rid of other guys faster lol

Even in your bio, put stuff like I love jesus or Muslim girl that loves to cook! /draw etc

I'm not strictly religious no. I expect committed relationship though, the one that leads to a family down the line. I made a big deal out of it, because before a man touches my body - he has to capture and tame my soul. As well, no relationship happens online and there has to be steps taken to make things work. All relationships require serious effort.

Posted by Generously910
You want marriage he wants sex,

You're not on the same page

I don't want marriage tomorrow, but I'll make sure to be in a committed relationship before I move to the bedroom.

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by Generously910
You want marriage he wants sex,

You're not on the same page

I don't want marriage tomorrow, but I'll make sure to be in a committed relationship before I move to the bedroom.

click to expand

Ok sorry let me rephrase

You want a relationship he only wants to fuck

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by PilatesBod
I don’t mean to be crude but it’s pretty clear he just wants to f*ck and doesn’t want to be bothered with your feelings.

Yeah?? Then he were to think about that prior to him confessing his undying love for me. No kidding he's said he's in love with me, a few times 😄

click to expand

And why are you more inclined to believe and hold onto that over the many times he’s told you he can’t give you what you want and telling you his commitment and love for you is conditional on you fulfilling him sexually.

He does sound avoidant, but for you to stay on the hook for over a year that means you are probably anxious leaning.

Who wants to sleep with someone who whined their way into your pants? That’s borderline coercion. Intimacy should be about compatibility and safety and mutual pleasure. Not him stomping his foot like a whiney brat of a child who wants their way.

Posted by PilatesBod

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by PilatesBod
I don’t mean to be crude but it’s pretty clear he just wants to f*ck and doesn’t want to be bothered with your feelings.

Yeah?? Then he were to think about that prior to him confessing his undying love for me. No kidding he's said he's in love with me, a few times 😄click to expand

And why are you more inclined to believe and hold onto that over the many times he’s told you he can’t give you what you want and telling you his commitment and love for you is conditional on you fulfilling him sexually.

He does sound avoidant, but for you to stay on the hook for over a year that means you are probably anxious leaning.

click to expand

I'm not. I used to be disorganized but I'm secure now. I didn't say we were in a relationship from the get go, it was building up gradually and when it started to stall - I removed myself. This time we started off even stronger and for some time things seemed to go well, until it wasn't and I'm out again. It's been over a month and I didn't feel the need to seek him out in any way. I feel good, the life is beautiful and I'm happy. He has to come back on his own and make things possible for us if he wants. I'm not waiting for him or putting my life on hold in any way. Having a healthy relationship is a right, just like to be loved and cared for and if he's unable to give it, then I'll meet someone else who's more than happy to fulfill his duties, as a human being, romantic partner and etc.

The reason of me asking for advice, is that deep down I wasn't quite sure if him misunderstanding me was my fault or not. It is also possible he only heard what he wanted to hear, despite me doing my best. In any case I'm open to listen others opinions.

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by Polyannanana
Are you a religious person? If so, maybe show that on your instagram- posts about religion and you with your family, you cooking, could attract a religious guy with similar mindset online.



Or at least help get rid of other guys faster lol

Even in your bio, put stuff like I love jesus or Muslim girl that loves to cook! /draw etc

I'm not strictly religious no. I expect committed relationship though, the one that leads to a family down the line. I made a big deal out of it, because before a man touches my body - he has to capture and tame my soul. As well, no relationship happens online and there has to be steps taken to make things work. All relationships require serious effort.

click to expand

Ok well then definitely let the guys know about your boundaries and mind set from the very beginning of flirting !☺️

There are men who will like this and respect this for sure.

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by Hatter1111
Run. Just run. Look into attachment style s, particularly avoidant. Everything you just said is what youll find. And I promise you, it isnt you, its him. Dont wonder what you did wrong, dont try to correct your behavior, its not you, its him.. the over dramatic comment, the ready to bail over sex and things that havent even happened, thats avoidant behavior. Its a cycle, and you want to get out now. You cant "fix" him, it his nervous system terrified of getting close to you.. thats why it started when you guys started trying to get romantic. Youre sweet, youre dreaming about a future, thats what happens, thats whats normal, but those are expectations, and avoidant people are terrified of other peoples expectations of them.. and you want to assure them, youre probably pretty accepting, you want the future youve envisioned together. And thats the trap.. you try harder, they feel more pressure, and it feeds a cycle.. if you make plans, they cancel, you start to get close, they share vulnerable information about themselves, they ghost for a while.. when they come back the avoid any direct conversations about why they ghosted..

Just run. The reality is for 3 months you weren't important enough for him to reach out to. That tells you what you need to know.. dont blame yourself in any way. You weren't too much, you weren't dramatic, this is whats called the fault finding stage, its him making excuses for his own insecurities.. dont hang onto your projections of how you thought things should go, this is what he is. You aren't going to change it by minimizing yourself so he doesnt run away again. It will make you anxious. You do it enough, and it ends up as a trauma bond.

Here's another thing, youre on here asking questions that a normal relationship would be able to address inside the relationship. Im sure youd prefer to get clarity directly from him, right? But he wont give you clarity.. he's avoidant, they dont do clarity for you.. clarity is also commitment to a story.. if they commit to a story they cant change the story in their minds as to why they are doing things they know are wrong. It has to be your fault in their mind so they feel better and it justifies them leaving. Theyre cowards.

Im sure you understand having arguments in a relationship is super healthy, right? Not fights, but sorting issues like these out, takes a level of confrontation with each other, an ourselves. Avoidant people dont do this.. they discard you instead.. they run.. anytime shit gets real, they bail. And they'll do it over and over again.

Just look into avoidant attachment. And run, and don't look back.

Yes, that sounds correct. The only thing is, I didn't quite understand why our relationship wasn't developing at a healthy pace. To be honest it has never occurred to me, if he might be an avoidant. My appetite for us was growing and his seemed to be unchanged, with added desire for sexual gratification. Yes, all relationships have disagreements and they are resolved quickly too, at least I did my part.

Little added detail, before him blocking me - he deleted all of his sent messages throughout the chat, talking about him going great length 😄

How I calculate those matters is this. It's been over a year we've known each other, if a relationship is progressing it has to within that timeline.

click to expand

So like, thats kinda the way it goes with avoidant people, they dont want to commit. They don't want to feel tied.. theres several types of avoidance traits, and all are someone different, its a gradient. Some are genuinely afraid of getting hurt, some just like their autonomy and freedoms and feel stifled in an actual relationship. But, its really mental gymnastics because what ends up happening is a relationship without a contract. Which makes them feel better. If youre more go with the flow, no pressure as long as we get there type, its those milestones you talk about are going to be intermittent.

People block you when they feel like you did something against them, or, and this is a big OR, they feel they can't trust themselves to re- engage with you (a form of self-protection). here's whats likely to happen next... its called the hoover... like the vacuum... youll likely get a message, a non-chalant message, that just says "hey" or something.. something easy and non-commital. Let me ask, when he withdrew did you try to ask whats going on only to get no response? Did you still try to reach out only to be met with nothing? He probably just disappeared, ghosted, and any attempt to check on him was met with Stonewalling.. thats trademark avoidant patterning. If he reaches out, the way I predicted with the non-chalatness, do not re-engage.. even if he promises to give you that next step.. dont. Lookup everything im telling you. Decide what you want to do. But, if you decide you do want to re-engage, lay down boundaries. If you dont, youre just reinforcing their shitty behavior towards yourself.. youre gonna have to be firm. They may leave again. Thats cool too. Honestly, probably the best for you. Dont attach yourself to the outcome.

Im telling you all this as someone who has been in this situation to an extent, ive been in therapy and uncovered this, and my own avoidant type behavior, I have dove DEEP into this whole world.. if I can help you never need to be in the 🔥, I will.

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by Hatter1111
Run. Just run. Look into attachment style s, particularly avoidant. Everything you just said is what youll find. And I promise you, it isnt you, its him. Dont wonder what you did wrong, dont try to correct your behavior, its not you, its him.. the over dramatic comment, the ready to bail over sex and things that havent even happened, thats avoidant behavior. Its a cycle, and you want to get out now. You cant "fix" him, it his nervous system terrified of getting close to you.. thats why it started when you guys started trying to get romantic. Youre sweet, youre dreaming about a future, thats what happens, thats whats normal, but those are expectations, and avoidant people are terrified of other peoples expectations of them.. and you want to assure them, youre probably pretty accepting, you want the future youve envisioned together. And thats the trap.. you try harder, they feel more pressure, and it feeds a cycle.. if you make plans, they cancel, you start to get close, they share vulnerable information about themselves, they ghost for a while.. when they come back the avoid any direct conversations about why they ghosted..

Just run. The reality is for 3 months you weren't important enough for him to reach out to. That tells you what you need to know.. dont blame yourself in any way. You weren't too much, you weren't dramatic, this is whats called the fault finding stage, its him making excuses for his own insecurities.. dont hang onto your projections of how you thought things should go, this is what he is. You aren't going to change it by minimizing yourself so he doesnt run away again. It will make you anxious. You do it enough, and it ends up as a trauma bond.

Here's another thing, youre on here asking questions that a normal relationship would be able to address inside the relationship. Im sure youd prefer to get clarity directly from him, right? But he wont give you clarity.. he's avoidant, they dont do clarity for you.. clarity is also commitment to a story.. if they commit to a story they cant change the story in their minds as to why they are doing things they know are wrong. It has to be your fault in their mind so they feel better and it justifies them leaving. Theyre cowards.

Im sure you understand having arguments in a relationship is super healthy, right? Not fights, but sorting issues like these out, takes a level of confrontation with each other, an ourselves. Avoidant people dont do this.. they discard you instead.. they run.. anytime shit gets real, they bail. And they'll do it over and over again.

Just look into avoidant attachment. And run, and don't look back.

Yes, that sounds correct. The only thing is, I didn't quite understand why our relationship wasn't developing at a healthy pace. To be honest it has never occurred to me, if he might be an avoidant. My appetite for us was growing and his seemed to be unchanged, with added desire for sexual gratification. Yes, all relationships have disagreements and they are resolved quickly too, at least I did my part.

Little added detail, before him blocking me - he deleted all of his sent messages throughout the chat, talking about him going great length 😄

How I calculate those matters is this. It's been over a year we've known each other, if a relationship is progressing it has to within that timeline.click to expand

So like, thats kinda the way it goes with avoidant people, they dont want to commit. They don't want to feel tied.. theres several types of avoidance traits, and all are someone different, its a gradient. Some are genuinely afraid of getting hurt, some just like their autonomy and freedoms and feel stifled in an actual relationship. But, its really mental gymnastics because what ends up happening is a relationship without a contract. Which makes them feel better. If youre more go with the flow, no pressure as long as we get there type, its those milestones you talk about are going to be intermittent.

People block you when they feel like you did something against them, or, and this is a big OR, they feel they can't trust themselves to re- engage with you (a form of self-protection). here's whats likely to happen next... its called the hoover... like the vacuum... youll likely get a message, a non-chalant message, that just says "hey" or something.. something easy and non-commital. Let me ask, when he withdrew did you try to ask whats going on only to get no response? Did you still try to reach out only to be met with nothing? He probably just disappeared, ghosted, and any attempt to check on him was met with Stonewalling.. thats trademark avoidant patterning. If he reaches out, the way I predicted with the non-chalatness, do not re-engage.. even if he promises to give you that next step.. dont. Lookup everything im telling you. Decide what you want to do. But, if you decide you do want to re-engage, lay down boundaries. If you dont, youre just reinforcing their shitty behavior towards yourself.. youre gonna have to be firm. They may leave again. Thats cool too. Honestly, probably the best for you. Dont attach yourself to the outcome.

Im telling you all this as someone who has been in this situation to an extent, ive been in therapy and uncovered this, and my own avoidant type behavior, I have dove DEEP into this whole world.. if I can help you never need to be in the 🔥, I will.

click to expand

That morning when he was horny, he draw a picture of us together (figuratively speaking), in a way that I found extremely disrespectful, he was being selfish and completely inconsiderate of me. When he realized I was being serious he seemed to be remorseful, justifying the message - he was craving me. When I set those boundaries, I made a negative assumption about his character, based on what he wrote. I suspect he didn't like it. I'm not sorry though, he was supposed to be mindful. No woman wants a man that disrespects them, even "playfully".

@Madhatter Oh trust me, I've read and watched so many videos on attachment style s, that I feel like I can be a psychologist 😄 I knew an avoidant man in the past. I no longer have any relationship with him today, but still strongly dislike him.

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by Hatter1111
Run. Just run. Look into attachment style s, particularly avoidant. Everything you just said is what youll find. And I promise you, it isnt you, its him. Dont wonder what you did wrong, dont try to correct your behavior, its not you, its him.. the over dramatic comment, the ready to bail over sex and things that havent even happened, thats avoidant behavior. Its a cycle, and you want to get out now. You cant "fix" him, it his nervous system terrified of getting close to you.. thats why it started when you guys started trying to get romantic. Youre sweet, youre dreaming about a future, thats what happens, thats whats normal, but those are expectations, and avoidant people are terrified of other peoples expectations of them.. and you want to assure them, youre probably pretty accepting, you want the future youve envisioned together. And thats the trap.. you try harder, they feel more pressure, and it feeds a cycle.. if you make plans, they cancel, you start to get close, they share vulnerable information about themselves, they ghost for a while.. when they come back the avoid any direct conversations about why they ghosted..

Just run. The reality is for 3 months you weren't important enough for him to reach out to. That tells you what you need to know.. dont blame yourself in any way. You weren't too much, you weren't dramatic, this is whats called the fault finding stage, its him making excuses for his own insecurities.. dont hang onto your projections of how you thought things should go, this is what he is. You aren't going to change it by minimizing yourself so he doesnt run away again. It will make you anxious. You do it enough, and it ends up as a trauma bond.

Here's another thing, youre on here asking questions that a normal relationship would be able to address inside the relationship. Im sure youd prefer to get clarity directly from him, right? But he wont give you clarity.. he's avoidant, they dont do clarity for you.. clarity is also commitment to a story.. if they commit to a story they cant change the story in their minds as to why they are doing things they know are wrong. It has to be your fault in their mind so they feel better and it justifies them leaving. Theyre cowards.

Im sure you understand having arguments in a relationship is super healthy, right? Not fights, but sorting issues like these out, takes a level of confrontation with each other, an ourselves. Avoidant people dont do this.. they discard you instead.. they run.. anytime shit gets real, they bail. And they'll do it over and over again.

Just look into avoidant attachment. And run, and don't look back.

Yes, that sounds correct. The only thing is, I didn't quite understand why our relationship wasn't developing at a healthy pace. To be honest it has never occurred to me, if he might be an avoidant. My appetite for us was growing and his seemed to be unchanged, with added desire for sexual gratification. Yes, all relationships have disagreements and they are resolved quickly too, at least I did my part.

Little added detail, before him blocking me - he deleted all of his sent messages throughout the chat, talking about him going great length 😄

How I calculate those matters is this. It's been over a year we've known each other, if a relationship is progressing it has to within that timeline.click to expand

So like, thats kinda the way it goes with avoidant people, they dont want to commit. They don't want to feel tied.. theres several types of avoidance traits, and all are someone different, its a gradient. Some are genuinely afraid of getting hurt, some just like their autonomy and freedoms and feel stifled in an actual relationship. But, its really mental gymnastics because what ends up happening is a relationship without a contract. Which makes them feel better. If youre more go with the flow, no pressure as long as we get there type, its those milestones you talk about are going to be intermittent.

People block you when they feel like you did something against them, or, and this is a big OR, they feel they can't trust themselves to re- engage with you (a form of self-protection). here's whats likely to happen next... its called the hoover... like the vacuum... youll likely get a message, a non-chalant message, that just says "hey" or something.. something easy and non-commital. Let me ask, when he withdrew did you try to ask whats going on only to get no response? Did you still try to reach out only to be met with nothing? He probably just disappeared, ghosted, and any attempt to check on him was met with Stonewalling.. thats trademark avoidant patterning. If he reaches out, the way I predicted with the non-chalatness, do not re-engage.. even if he promises to give you that next step.. dont. Lookup everything im telling you. Decide what you want to do. But, if you decide you do want to re-engage, lay down boundaries. If you dont, youre just reinforcing their shitty behavior towards yourself.. youre gonna have to be firm. They may leave again. Thats cool too. Honestly, probably the best for you. Dont attach yourself to the outcome.

Im telling you all this as someone who has been in this situation to an extent, ive been in therapy and uncovered this, and my own avoidant type behavior, I have dove DEEP into this whole world.. if I can help you never need to be in the 🔥, I will.click to expand

That morning when he was horny, he draw a picture of us together (figuratively speaking), in a way that I found extremely disrespectful, he was being selfish and completely inconsiderate of me. When he realized I was being serious he seemed to be remorseful, justifying the message - he was craving me. When I set those boundaries, I made a negative assumption about his character, based on what he wrote. I suspect he didn't like it. I'm not sorry though, he was supposed to be mindful. No woman wants a man that disrespects them, even "playfully".

click to expand

I get ya. While youre not wrong, and did the right thing 100% , we men are still pigs.. I feel like ive done a lot of work on myself throughout the years to... I don't want to say evolve, but for the lack of a better word atm, evolve.. im still a caveman at a certain level.. very primal when it comes to sex. However, I understand there are unspoken boundaries at different stages of a relationship that you just dont cross. And the man's goal when it comes to sex shouldn't make you feel like tahts all he wants from, IMO.. unless tagts the agreed upon arrangement, and thats not the story im seeing..

So, the way I see it, is you really have 1 of 2 things going on here. Only you can figure it out. 1) he actually does have feelings for you and is just emotionally retarded, and avoidant which is what im getting and seems to be a consistent pattern with online and long distance relationships in general, im learning. Youre notbhis therapist, you will go crazy trying to figure the whole situation out.. its a whole deeper issues than youre equipped to handle 2) he was telling you what you wanted to hear hoping to have sex with you, or get you to reveal yourself to him by sending him nudes or whatever.. and sending nudes to someone you feel connected with and are trying to pursue something with is normal, I think. Especiallyif theres abmutual passion that intensifies. . but if he's manipulating you to get that, thats pathetic and fuck that guy. Not really, dont literally fuck that guy... the proverbial "fuck that guy".

My best advice is actions speak louder than words.. he can say all the right things.. but actions or the lack of, will always reveal the truth.

Honestly, last week I had a similar conversation with a young man you also was doing this same thing on some video game.. found a girl online, yada yada yada... somehow he ended up speaking to her father on the phone.. turns out in the last 2 years shes had online relationships with 19 different guys - he named them off with her listening.. dad stepped in to make sure nobody else got hurt.. think about how far things had to escalate before dad had to do a public safety announcement to protect people FROM his daughter.. which, another thing youll find, is while not all insecure attachment style people are narcissistic, all narcissistic people have some type of insecure attachment pattern... IMO 19 guys in 2 years, online... how is that not narcissistic?

Posted by pisceanloves
@Madhatter Oh trust me, I've read and watched so many videos on attachment style s, that I feel like I can be a psychologist 😄 I knew an avoidant man in the past. I no longer have any relationship with him today, but still strongly dislike him.

😆 hahaha!

And you know, knowledge is the answer in these situations. Its like being in a burning building or in a labyrinth- you can only see a few feet in front of you at a time.. obstacles and incentives thrown in your way to make you change course, confusing you, and keeping you from the end - which is clarity... you kinda have to navigate in the darkness and use the knowledge you aquire along the way as a mental lifeline out the mess our hearts get us into sometimes... smooth-bump-bump, to the pump, baby..

Youre smart.. im a little dumber than that. I have no hate in my heart for any of it. I was really worried I was going to wall-up, myself, and basically become more avoidant, making me more like what, I myself was trying to avoid, if that makes sense.. I wish there was an easier way to make the changes ive made, but alas, some lessons come harder than others.

I think you already know that your whole situation isn't right for you.. you can do better.

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by Hatter1111
Run. Just run. Look into attachment style s, particularly avoidant. Everything you just said is what youll find. And I promise you, it isnt you, its him. Dont wonder what you did wrong, dont try to correct your behavior, its not you, its him.. the over dramatic comment, the ready to bail over sex and things that havent even happened, thats avoidant behavior. Its a cycle, and you want to get out now. You cant "fix" him, it his nervous system terrified of getting close to you.. thats why it started when you guys started trying to get romantic. Youre sweet, youre dreaming about a future, thats what happens, thats whats normal, but those are expectations, and avoidant people are terrified of other peoples expectations of them.. and you want to assure them, youre probably pretty accepting, you want the future youve envisioned together. And thats the trap.. you try harder, they feel more pressure, and it feeds a cycle.. if you make plans, they cancel, you start to get close, they share vulnerable information about themselves, they ghost for a while.. when they come back the avoid any direct conversations about why they ghosted..

Just run. The reality is for 3 months you weren't important enough for him to reach out to. That tells you what you need to know.. dont blame yourself in any way. You weren't too much, you weren't dramatic, this is whats called the fault finding stage, its him making excuses for his own insecurities.. dont hang onto your projections of how you thought things should go, this is what he is. You aren't going to change it by minimizing yourself so he doesnt run away again. It will make you anxious. You do it enough, and it ends up as a trauma bond.

Here's another thing, youre on here asking questions that a normal relationship would be able to address inside the relationship. Im sure youd prefer to get clarity directly from him, right? But he wont give you clarity.. he's avoidant, they dont do clarity for you.. clarity is also commitment to a story.. if they commit to a story they cant change the story in their minds as to why they are doing things they know are wrong. It has to be your fault in their mind so they feel better and it justifies them leaving. Theyre cowards.

Im sure you understand having arguments in a relationship is super healthy, right? Not fights, but sorting issues like these out, takes a level of confrontation with each other, an ourselves. Avoidant people dont do this.. they discard you instead.. they run.. anytime shit gets real, they bail. And they'll do it over and over again.

Just look into avoidant attachment. And run, and don't look back.

Yes, that sounds correct. The only thing is, I didn't quite understand why our relationship wasn't developing at a healthy pace. To be honest it has never occurred to me, if he might be an avoidant. My appetite for us was growing and his seemed to be unchanged, with added desire for sexual gratification. Yes, all relationships have disagreements and they are resolved quickly too, at least I did my part.

Little added detail, before him blocking me - he deleted all of his sent messages throughout the chat, talking about him going great length 😄

How I calculate those matters is this. It's been over a year we've known each other, if a relationship is progressing it has to within that timeline.click to expand

So like, thats kinda the way it goes with avoidant people, they dont want to commit. They don't want to feel tied.. theres several types of avoidance traits, and all are someone different, its a gradient. Some are genuinely afraid of getting hurt, some just like their autonomy and freedoms and feel stifled in an actual relationship. But, its really mental gymnastics because what ends up happening is a relationship without a contract. Which makes them feel better. If youre more go with the flow, no pressure as long as we get there type, its those milestones you talk about are going to be intermittent.

People block you when they feel like you did something against them, or, and this is a big OR, they feel they can't trust themselves to re- engage with you (a form of self-protection). here's whats likely to happen next... its called the hoover... like the vacuum... youll likely get a message, a non-chalant message, that just says "hey" or something.. something easy and non-commital. Let me ask, when he withdrew did you try to ask whats going on only to get no response? Did you still try to reach out only to be met with nothing? He probably just disappeared, ghosted, and any attempt to check on him was met with Stonewalling.. thats trademark avoidant patterning. If he reaches out, the way I predicted with the non-chalatness, do not re-engage.. even if he promises to give you that next step.. dont. Lookup everything im telling you. Decide what you want to do. But, if you decide you do want to re-engage, lay down boundaries. If you dont, youre just reinforcing their shitty behavior towards yourself.. youre gonna have to be firm. They may leave again. Thats cool too. Honestly, probably the best for you. Dont attach yourself to the outcome.

Im telling you all this as someone who has been in this situation to an extent, ive been in therapy and uncovered this, and my own avoidant type behavior, I have dove DEEP into this whole world.. if I can help you never need to be in the 🔥, I will.click to expand

That morning when he was horny, he draw a picture of us together (figuratively speaking), in a way that I found extremely disrespectful, he was being selfish and completely inconsiderate of me. When he realized I was being serious he seemed to be remorseful, justifying the message - he was craving me. When I set those boundaries, I made a negative assumption about his character, based on what he wrote. I suspect he didn't like it. I'm not sorry though, he was supposed to be mindful. No woman wants a man that disrespects them, even "playfully".click to expand

I get ya. While youre not wrong, and did the right thing 100% , we men are still pigs.. I feel like ive done a lot of work on myself throughout the years to... I don't want to say evolve, but for the lack of a better word atm, evolve.. im still a caveman at a certain level.. very primal when it comes to sex. However, I understand there are unspoken boundaries at different stages of a relationship that you just dont cross. And the man's goal when it comes to sex shouldn't make you feel like tahts all he wants from, IMO.. unless tagts the agreed upon arrangement, and thats not the story im seeing..

So, the way I see it, is you really have 1 of 2 things going on here. Only you can figure it out. 1) he actually does have feelings for you and is just emotionally retarded, and avoidant which is what im getting and seems to be a consistent pattern with online and long distance relationships in general, im learning. Youre notbhis therapist, you will go crazy trying to figure the whole situation out.. its a whole deeper issues than youre equipped to handle 2) he was telling you what you wanted to hear hoping to have sex with you, or get you to reveal yourself to him by sending him nudes or whatever.. and sending nudes to someone you feel connected with and are trying to pursue something with is normal, I think. Especiallyif theres abmutual passion that intensifies. . but if he's manipulating you to get that, thats pathetic and fuck that guy. Not really, dont literally fuck that guy... the proverbial "fuck that guy".

My best advice is actions speak louder than words.. he can say all the right things.. but actions or the lack of, will always reveal the truth.

Honestly, last week I had a similar conversation with a young man you also was doing this same thing on some video game.. found a girl online, yada yada yada... somehow he ended up speaking to her father on the phone.. turns out in the last 2 years shes had online relationships with 19 different guys - he named them off with her listening.. dad stepped in to make sure nobody else got hurt.. think about how far things had to escalate before dad had to do a public safety announcement to protect people FROM his daughter.. which, another thing youll find, is while not all insecure attachment style people are narcissistic, all narcissistic people have some type of insecure attachment pattern... IMO 19 guys in 2 years, online... how is that not narcissistic?

click to expand

I don't back down on my boundaries for no man and you sound young. It's common knowledge to never share explicit photos online, it's not only trashy, but as well dangerous +attracts the wrong people. I don't deal with this type of people at all. In my world, men are respectful, take me out on proper dates, courting me old fashioned way and are reliable and dependable. If he's not a proper gentleman - I don't want him.

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by pisceanloves
@Madhatter Oh trust me, I've read and watched so many videos on attachment style s, that I feel like I can be a psychologist 😄 I knew an avoidant man in the past. I no longer have any relationship with him today, but still strongly dislike him.

😆 hahaha!

And you know, knowledge is the answer in these situations. Its like being in a burning building or in a labyrinth- you can only see a few feet in front of you at a time.. obstacles and incentives thrown in your way to make you change course, confusing you, and keeping you from the end - which is clarity... you kinda have to navigate in the darkness and use the knowledge you aquire along the way as a mental lifeline out the mess our hearts get us into sometimes... smooth-bump-bump, to the pump, baby..

Youre smart.. im a little dumber than that. I have no hate in my heart for any of it. I was really worried I was going to wall-up, myself, and basically become more avoidant, making me more like what, I myself was trying to avoid, if that makes sense.. I wish there was an easier way to make the changes ive made, but alas, some lessons come harder than others.

I think you already know that your whole situation isn't right for you.. you can do better.

click to expand

You never stop learning and growing and I'd rather grow along with my partner. I consider this a successful relationship, when both of you become absolute best versions of yourself for each other. Greetings to you, don't think about the past, but focus on the future, how you can become better, do better and find better with whom you'll build an empire.

Me knowing what's better for me is why I no longer interact with him 😄

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by pisceanloves
@Madhatter Oh trust me, I've read and watched so many videos on attachment style s, that I feel like I can be a psychologist 😄 I knew an avoidant man in the past. I no longer have any relationship with him today, but still strongly dislike him.

😆 hahaha!

And you know, knowledge is the answer in these situations. Its like being in a burning building or in a labyrinth- you can only see a few feet in front of you at a time.. obstacles and incentives thrown in your way to make you change course, confusing you, and keeping you from the end - which is clarity... you kinda have to navigate in the darkness and use the knowledge you aquire along the way as a mental lifeline out the mess our hearts get us into sometimes... smooth-bump-bump, to the pump, baby..

Youre smart.. im a little dumber than that. I have no hate in my heart for any of it. I was really worried I was going to wall-up, myself, and basically become more avoidant, making me more like what, I myself was trying to avoid, if that makes sense.. I wish there was an easier way to make the changes ive made, but alas, some lessons come harder than others.

I think you already know that your whole situation isn't right for you.. you can do better.

click to expand

By the way. Check Dylan James on YouTube, about mindset. He teaches how to master oneself and change your life to the best.

Posted by pisceanloves

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by pisceanloves
@Madhatter Oh trust me, I've read and watched so many videos on attachment style s, that I feel like I can be a psychologist 😄 I knew an avoidant man in the past. I no longer have any relationship with him today, but still strongly dislike him.

😆 hahaha!

And you know, knowledge is the answer in these situations. Its like being in a burning building or in a labyrinth- you can only see a few feet in front of you at a time.. obstacles and incentives thrown in your way to make you change course, confusing you, and keeping you from the end - which is clarity... you kinda have to navigate in the darkness and use the knowledge you aquire along the way as a mental lifeline out the mess our hearts get us into sometimes... smooth-bump-bump, to the pump, baby..

Youre smart.. im a little dumber than that. I have no hate in my heart for any of it. I was really worried I was going to wall-up, myself, and basically become more avoidant, making me more like what, I myself was trying to avoid, if that makes sense.. I wish there was an easier way to make the changes ive made, but alas, some lessons come harder than others.

I think you already know that your whole situation isn't right for you.. you can do better.click to expand

You never stop learning and growing and I'd rather grow along with my partner. I consider this a successful relationship, when both of you become absolute best versions of yourself for each other. Greetings to you, don't think about the past, but focus on the future, how you can become better, do better and find better with whom you'll build an empire.

Me knowing what's better for me is why I no longer interact with him 😄

click to expand

Good! I agree 100% you know whats up, why put any more mental energy into this guy?

😆 at the I sound young, though I greatly appreciate it..maybe at heart 😆. .. as I celebrate my 44th birthday in a short time.. I think my shortest relationship was 7 years.. my last relationship was 10. None were chaotic, nor required any guesswork. ive really become happy on my own though, even though im not scarred or harbor any ill feelings toward any exes that repells me.. so, ive always had very secure relationships with the women im with, and myself.. so to WANT to bring someone into my world, I have to like you quite a bit.. I did, date a woman who did scar me... which is why I said I too have some avoidant behaviors.. so, I had a woman i dated for roughly a month get upset at me and attempt to destroy my professional reputation.. she almost succeeded too.. it was a nightmare and I lost people who i thought thought better of me, who believed the shit. Well, now im learning what a smear campaign is.. the reason we only went a year was because she was that typical hot-girl shallow hoe and it got old quick.. which, when you satrt down the rabbit hole, you learn all about narcissistic women and the smear campaign when you ditch them.. so, learned that one.. but that closed a whole section of me down.. like didn't work on it, just shut that shit right off... access motherfuckin denied, amd im a fixed sign so no budging at all.. in hindsight it was the wrong move.. I feel its natural, but still wrong. And it did screw with other relationships after.

Like I said though, ive never had to learn these lessons befroe because I was never really on the market. Was never looking.. and honestly, wasnt looking this last time, but had a connection i liked and wanted to explore.. yada yada yada...this where it ended up:

Posted by pisceanloves
Hello everyone, I haven't come on here for a long time. I need all of your input I can get, because I'm overthinking and I can't stand it. I met a man in one of the video games and we got close over a few months. That was over a year and a half ago. All sweet and cute, a month in, us talking, playing and reviewing each game session every couple days. He expressed romantic desire soon and I reciprocated, telling him I'm traditional and he has to pursue me properly if he wants us together. At this point we were very close already and when I brought up something that was bothering me and requested we talk - he ignored it and didn't get back to me. I found it strange but didn't do anything and I didn't go after him either, only took a mental note of what happened. We stopped playing soon after, because he was being hot and cold.

3 months pass in total silence and then I wished him a happy Easter and soon we started playing again, he expressed his desire to be "my angel and my hero" and one day maybe after a few days of playing together - he got distant, because I didn't reciprocate his hot and heavy, one night before he went to sleep he told me he'd be thinking of me and I didn't respond, I said good night. Then I explained that him being silent for 3 months didn't sit well with me and I need consistency over time to feel safe. We kept playing and spending time together. At one point he worked late and I asked him to leave me a message once he got home and wished him a good night. I woke up to nothing in my inbox and I asked him how he got home and why he didn't leave a message, to which he called me dramatic, saying he's got enough problems on his plate and he doesn't want extra headache, i.e this relationship can't work. We talked and we seemed to overcome everything. I was being understanding and told him we will be fine, but both of us need to put in the effort.

We talked a lot and the physical intimacy was mentioned, he said he has to be satisfied and that he can't compromise in the bedroom department and if there's no connection in bed - he doesn't see it going anywhere. I didn't understand, we hadn't even slept together, or built sexual rapport, so how does he know we are not compatible? I opened up to him saying I'm rather inexperienced, but once we are in a relationship my partner's pleasure is my pleasure. Fast forward and I'm noticing my emotional needs are not being met. I brought it up - he says he's crazy for me, but there are obstacles in our way and he can't give me the kind of attention I want". I didn't pay attention to this, thought it would change, a few days later we spent all day together playing/talking and when parting he said to sleep well and not to worry, he'll take care of me. At this point we had already agreed to meet up. He was supposed to visit my town fairly quickly - which he didn't bring up again. A few days later and he's acting sketchy. I added his extra account and he didn't accept the request, saying he forgot, which was total bs.

At this point I'm fed up. I sat him down and asked for a conversation to decide how are we moving forward, if at all, He responds the next morning heavily horny, borderline disrespectful, completely disregarding my message. Saying he feels guilty reading what I said, because whenever he thinks of me he craves me. I ask him why would I be thinking about sex when he's not the man I need him to be. He said okay and asks me to be honest with what I want and he'll respect it, that message was lost into 15 other messages from him, once again I reassured him that our sexual life will be satisfactory and he has nothing to worry about, then I finally read him asking me what I wanted and I told him, a committed relationship and to build a life together. He says I'm sorry, I can't. Why ask me if you can't—

He continues, saying he's not satisfied and doesn't wanna waste time with someone frigid and closed off. (—) That he doesn't expect me to be sweet when we talk, but I have to flirt and tease him a certain way. This sounded undeservedly demanding to me. At the end of the convo, his disrespectful message hit me again, even though he had said he didn't mean to cross my boundaries - that's exactly what happened and I went ahead and set those boundaries. it came out cold and to the point. I told him his sexual satisfaction is none of my business for the time being, because he's not my partner and if he wants to be - then he'll do everything and more to make it happen.

I got blocked.

I felt sorry for him and sent a message saying it wasn't a rejection, but an invitation to make our dreams reality. In response he deleted the acct where we met.

I didn't say anything else and it's been over a month.

The way he spoke the last time, I got the impression that he expected things "online", which was never going to happen. Any bits I spoke about sex, was the glimpse of what our life together would have been like, under one roof!

I'm sad about me being perceived the wrong way and even my pure intentions potentially being misunderstood. I'm debating to send him another message, to let him know what I wanted yet again, even though I've done it countless times already. What do you all think?

Just to let you all know, he wasn't always like that and we shared many tender moments before, that's why I stuck with him.

From what you’ve expressed, I think you are doing a fantastic job at standing your ground and making sure your needs are met BEFORE you become intimate or get in deeper.

It sounds like you have been very clear and consistent.

He, on the other hand, has been playing games and it sounds like he wasn’t serious about being in a relationship or giving any of himself. It sounds like he is just focused on his needs and tries to either manipulate, coerce or demand things from you (very disrespectful and telling that he has no true regard for you) and then becomes PETTY by blocking you like a 12 year old when he doesn’t get things to go his way 😑.

I also agree with you in that when he came back acting like nothing had happened, you didn’t let him get away with it.

It’s important that your needs are met and that you are heard. There isn’t much to overthink… trust yourself because you are doing things the right way.

He sounds VERY immature and emotionally inept. Keep him as a friend. He sounds like a MASSIVE headache as a romantic partner and would really take away from you at your best, he would dim your inner light.

Find a guy that brightens your inner light and has more emotional maturity. And don’t waste your time on worrying about him and fall into his trap… he will resurface again, it’s his pattern 🙄.