Family First?

I was wondering who you guys feel should come first your family spouse or children? I think my views may be a bit religious but this is what I think.

I think your spouse should come before anything. Or accept "god " ( if you believe in him ) but to me that makes sense.

One, I feel like a good marriage is a core of a family. If that goes to shit I don't know how a family will function. It usually doesn't.

Two, your family is just family. They will pass on and you will have to move on with your life. That's just the way it is. If my family didn't like my spouse
I wouldn't say they are worth it. That person is my future, my support, if they don't get that they don't care about me. You have be an independent person sometime and not a programmed robot always listening to mommy and daddy says (my opinion )

Three, I think overall if your putting things above your loved one you will not get to attain the greater intimacy.

May be out there but is my opinion. How about you?

Posted by PVandJellay
I will love my spouse, but he will never be first in my life, my children will always come first. And I will expect him to put our children before me as well. Once we become parents that relationship supersedes everything else. My mother and father were together til the day she died, and she was very adamant about this philosophy, and he agreed.

I don't feel I need to choose between my spouse or family. They're both on the same tier. I don't always like my siblings mates, and don't really care for my step mother, but they're family. I keep my opinions to myself unless asked. I won't accept my family mistreating my spouse, or my spouse mistreating my family.

Also, I wouldn't turn my back on my family for a spouse. About 40% of marriages end in divorce, no matter how much I love my mate it's not guaranteed to last. But family is forever. My family was there before I met my husband, and they will be there if he leaves.

They will? Don't they die? If you don't think marriage isn't forever and have the midset it's disposable why did u do? Sorry I'm not trying to sound rude but whats the point?

God
Husband
Children

and in that order

Posted by DMV
God
Husband
Children

and in that order

Fuckin bump ^

You come first... if you don't care for yourself properly,

you can't care for anyone else.

Next, spouse-- if you're equally yoked (*grin*),

then it stands to reason that the welfare of

your kids and yourselves as a family will take

precedence over everything and everyone else.

Posted by PVandJellay
When you marry someone, you marry their family. I would never ask husband to choose between me and his family, or expect him to do vice versa.

Hmm, well to each their own I guess.

Posted by Twodrinkminimum
So what happens if your first husband dies and you remarry another man? Or you just divorce and remarry. This man who is not the father of your children now comes before your children?

And in what respect?

the point is not to get divorced

Posted by PVandJellay
When you marry someone, you marry their family. I would never ask husband to choose between me and his family, or expect him to do vice versa.

I would.

Posted by PVandJellay

Posted by PVandJellay

Posted by DMV

Posted by PVandJellay
When you marry someone, you marry their family. I would never ask husband to choose between me and his family, or expect him to do vice versa.

I would.

Be prepared for a lifetime of misery. I date mostly black men, and you know how they feel about their mothers. 😛 I'm not going there.

Even if you don't like his mother, learn to get along with the old hag. 😛 And if he has any type of backbone, he will not tolerate her disrespecting you.

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I think were speaking too much in terms of a negative situation. No one is disrepecting anyone. Its about a mutual respect and playing my role. Id respect her as an elder, for her wisdom. She would respect me as her sons wife and mother of his kids. We both respect him as the leader of our household.

It's when the respect ends, problems arise.

Both my parents are black. My father respects both. He is also a man of God and acts accordingly.

Posted by DMV

Posted by PVandJellay
When you marry someone, you marry their family. I would never ask husband to choose between me and his family, or expect him to do vice versa.

I would.

click to expand

He's a baby if he choose his family over you. Grow up and become a man and leave the nest and make a new one! It's called being an adult! I'm not saying you have to hate your family but after u get married and you still think blood is thicker than water you probably have no business begin married because your spouse is now your family and should be your 1st priority.

"Husbands die too."

ok, then any of them who's the most troubled at this very moment?
to compromise?

Higher power
Husband/Wife
Children
Family

I wouldn't put my children before my spouse, that would make them the head. Parents need to be the head/foundation of a family, children don't need that kind of pressure. If your children lead in the household... you'll end up raising entitled, idiot adults who don't know how to follow positive examples. You were a couple 1st and foremost before you expanded into a family.

Family can cause a lot of headache in a relationship if they expect to come first. The wife/husband are the core and it's their responsibility to set boundaries with their own families, it really depends on the dynamic.

I agree. If your dude is having problems deciding between his wife and his mom, you got a mamas boy.

Posted by shellshocker
Higher power
Husband/Wife
Children
Family

I wouldn't put my children before my spouse, that would make them the head. Parents need to be the head/foundation of a family, children don't need that kind of pressure. If your children lead in the household... you'll end up raising entitled, idiot adults who don't know how to follow positive examples. You were a couple 1st and foremost before you expanded into a family.

Family can cause a lot of headache in a relationship if they expect to come first. The wife/husband are the core and it's their responsibility to set boundaries with their own families, it really depends on the dynamic.

I agree. Entitled adults. Kids should play their role and not be decision makers. Like my parents never asked me for my input. They ran the show.

set boundaries. Case in point, rhoa, kandi burress. She cant take a shit without her mamas approval.

Posted by LadyOfRebirth

Posted by Twodrinkminimum
So what happens if your first husband dies and you remarry another man? Or you just divorce and remarry. This man who is not the father of your children now comes before your children?

And in what respect?

Good point.

Tbh it's unrealistic to say that any man comes before your children.

You can still be a family, be married to your husband and be a dysfunctional family.

And same way around, although not ideal, one dedicated single parent can provide for their child and offer them the security and stability they need.

Imo my husband and family will be on an equal foot. The husband will obviously get majority of my devotion, but that's not to say I'd abandon my parents or siblings for our sake. My parents have birthed and provided for me until I was able to do so for myself, and in my books now that I'm an adult I am obliged to be there for them when they need me to.

click to expand

No problem with helping parents out.

Posted by DMV
God
Husband
Children

and in that order

YES Milady + 1

Logically speaking, your spouse should come before your children. That is not to say that your children cannot be fawned upon, and spoiled rotten until your heart's content. You can still love them with all of your being. In fact, it is your job to do so.

You will have ideally somewhere around 20 years with your child in the home, and even less years in the power of influence. Your spouse will be there forever. It seems like a good idea to foster that relationship first. Spouses don't have the benefit of unconditional love like kids. You better till that garden.

Ever wonder why so many marriages end in divorce after the kids grow up and leave the nest?

Putting the kids first. It's temporary. A spouse, the one you took LIFELONG vows to, is forever.

Pretty straightforward, IMO.

*** All of this ^^^^ assuming the spouse is loving, and not a turd ***

What if the children came before the (new) spouse?

Posted by starlover
How many children do you have ladies and what are their ages? ^^^^

None of my own, but potentially two step sons sometime in the future.

Posted by LittleStar

Posted by starlover
How many children do you have ladies and what are their ages? ^^^^

How does that invalidate anything anyone has said?

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Motherhood, hormones and brain.

More concerned about fatherhood, though.

Posted by LittleStar

Posted by Undine

Posted by LittleStar

Posted by starlover
How many children do you have ladies and what are their ages? ^^^^

How does that invalidate anything anyone has said?

Motherhood, hormones and brain.

I'm of the same position before and after.

click to expand

Must be a myth then. Good so.

The welfare of a child should matter most.

The opinion of a child should matter least.

Child under 18.

To put your adult offspring before your spouse it's almost like cheating.

Posted by starlover

Posted by LittleStar

Posted by starlover
How many children do you have ladies and what are their ages? ^^^^

How does that invalidate anything anyone has said?

Because until you become a mother you have no idea of how you will feel, it's pure conjecture

It's like me saying I know how it feels to be a tightrope walker when I have never been one

Everything changes when you become a mum,,,,,,totally life altering and all the * I will do fhis* goes out of the window

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disagree

my parents are still married and they have 3 kids. I dont come first. never have, never will. My mother has been adamant about that.

Posted by Fox
Aye, hence why I said prepare. I'll never be able to influence my child after they've grown into a young adult and I wouldn't want to. I want to be able to sit back (preferably with my spouse) and enjoy life knowing that I invested my all to give my child/ren the best possible future I could.

Oh, you'll want to influence them in early adulthood. Bet your life on that.

maybe the OP is talking about adult children and not being able to have clear boundaries.

I don't have any but my babies would come first.

and since I am not married this is the order I go through

1. my daughter
2. my familly
3. the man I am dating

its not so hard to understand why you would put your children (daughter) on the top of your list when he/she sees you as his/her world. I am my daughters world. I cant let her down by not being there for her in everything. with my work and studies and taking care of her full time. I have seen how careful planning and determination to making time is a big factor for our relationship.

my family hav always been there for me, even if parents live in the other side of the world and my elder brothers live in different states with their family they have always checked on me and my daughters welfare, come down to me to give me a smack when I need one and have given emotional support if they cant give me the physical hand I need and it is so much appreciated

the man I am dating comes last. no matter how these floppity flop feelings I have towards the man, he may somehow cant replace my family and my daughter. i cant guarantee that he will stick around forever, but my daughter is there and so is my family.

when the time comes that the man I am with have proven in years and lot of ways his conviction in staying in my life for good and he wont ever budge. then that is the time I will think through and go over my list. who knows he may even move one step up. 😉 only time will tell.

Posted by FrostAndBite

Posted by DMV
maybe the OP is talking about adult children and not being able to have clear boundaries.

Makes sense.

To add as personal anecdote (since my empty womb already invalidates my opinion, I figure it doesn't matter what I say now) my Scorps parents live 10 minutes away from us. And I love it. There's no question on boundaries and it doesn't compromise his love for his parents or for me. It's not all doom and gloom for boundaries.

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i disagree. it doenst matter if youve had birth or not. everyone had an asshole and is entitled to an opinion.

Posted by shellshocker
Higher power
Husband/Wife
Children
Family

I wouldn't put my children before my spouse, that would make them the head. Parents need to be the head/foundation of a family, children don't need that kind of pressure. If your children lead in the household... you'll end up raising entitled, idiot adults who don't know how to follow positive examples. You were a couple 1st and foremost before you expanded into a family.

Family can cause a lot of headache in a relationship if they expect to come first. The wife/husband are the core and it's their responsibility to set boundaries with their own families, it really depends on the dynamic.

Where have u been all my life?

Posted by LittleStar

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Beautiful

Posted by LittleStar
Children must be loved knowing they will be lost to you in one form or another.

A spouse by definition is something you are sharing a lifetime with.

Allowing a child to interfere with that isn't helpful. Parents must be on the same page and must have something stronger there than just love for a child in order to be a healthy example.

+1

Posted by Twodrinkminimum
So what happens if your first husband dies and you remarry another man? Or you just divorce and remarry. This man who is not the father of your children now comes before your children?

And in what respect?

You probably shouldn't marry someone who would not

treat your children as his own.

The effects of that would last a lifetime.

I don't know, but I always visioned...

God
Children
Family
Spouse

I think when it comes to people, my top priority would be my children. They would be the biggest reflection of myself, the biggest part of me and I'd dedicate a lot of time in helping them succeed in this crazy world. More than anything, I'd want my children to be happy.

As far as family...immediate family(Mom, sister, grandmother etc) they've been around longer. I can see me dating a man they don't care for, but I'd never turn my back on my family for my guy. If he is a boyfriend, I'm kind of leaning towards family. If he is a husband, I'm a bit more neutral well depending on what it is.

Spouse, I don't know. I don't have a lot of faith in men, so they come last. Of course my scorpio venus causes me to stress when I'm into someone, which affects everybody, but still.. More than anything, I see my children coming first.

Posted by lnana04
I don't know, but I always visioned...

God
Children
Family
Spouse

I think when it comes to people, my top priority would be my children. They would be the biggest reflection of myself, the biggest part of me and I'd dedicate a lot of time in helping them succeed in this crazy world. More than anything, I'd want my children to be happy.

As far as family...immediate family(Mom, sister, grandmother etc) they've been around longer. I can see me dating a man they don't care for, but I'd never turn my back on my family for my guy. If he is a boyfriend, I'm kind of leaning towards family. If he is a husband, I'm a bit more neutral well depending on what it is.

Spouse, I don't know. I don't have a lot of faith in men, so they come last. Of course my scorpio venus causes me to stress when I'm into someone, which affects everybody, but still.. More than anything, I see my children coming first.

So the father of your children (their dad), comes last.

Seems kind of contradictory to have your children as your top priority, but their other parent last.

SMH .... @ the disposable father.

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by lnana04
I don't know, but I always visioned...

God
Children
Family
Spouse

I think when it comes to people, my top priority would be my children. They would be the biggest reflection of myself, the biggest part of me and I'd dedicate a lot of time in helping them succeed in this crazy world. More than anything, I'd want my children to be happy.

As far as family...immediate family(Mom, sister, grandmother etc) they've been around longer. I can see me dating a man they don't care for, but I'd never turn my back on my family for my guy. If he is a boyfriend, I'm kind of leaning towards family. If he is a husband, I'm a bit more neutral well depending on what it is.

Spouse, I don't know. I don't have a lot of faith in men, so they come last. Of course my scorpio venus causes me to stress when I'm into someone, which affects everybody, but still.. More than anything, I see my children coming first.

So the father of your children (their dad), comes last.

Seems kind of contradictory to have your children as your top priority, but their other parent last.

SMH .... @ the disposable father.

click to expand

Ha! Disposable is exactly the word I was going to use. I wanted to have kids, yeeears ago, and I literally wanted to be a single mother. Their father was never in the visions I had when I would think of raising my child.

When I think of relationships, and marriage especially, I think of stress. Their father will most likely stress me the most, so yeah...he'll be last on the list. Being last doesn't mean he won't be taken care of though.

SMH .... @ the disposable father.

#dysfunctional women

Posted by lnana04

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by lnana04
I don't know, but I always visioned...

God
Children
Family
Spouse

I think when it comes to people, my top priority would be my children. They would be the biggest reflection of myself, the biggest part of me and I'd dedicate a lot of time in helping them succeed in this crazy world. More than anything, I'd want my children to be happy.

As far as family...immediate family(Mom, sister, grandmother etc) they've been around longer. I can see me dating a man they don't care for, but I'd never turn my back on my family for my guy. If he is a boyfriend, I'm kind of leaning towards family. If he is a husband, I'm a bit more neutral well depending on what it is.

Spouse, I don't know. I don't have a lot of faith in men, so they come last. Of course my scorpio venus causes me to stress when I'm into someone, which affects everybody, but still.. More than anything, I see my children coming first.

So the father of your children (their dad), comes last.

Seems kind of contradictory to have your children as your top priority, but their other parent last.

SMH .... @ the disposable father.

Ha! Disposable is exactly the word I was going to use. I wanted to have kids, yeeears ago, and I literally wanted to be a single mother. Their father was never in the visions I had when I would think of raising my child.

When I think of relationships, and marriage especially, I think of stress. Their father will most likely stress me the most, so yeah...he'll be last on the list. Being last doesn't mean he won't be taken care of though.

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Why not just get artificially inseminated if that is your thought process?

What you see as avoiding stress, you kids may see as being deprived of joy, and their father.

Make sure the poor sap (father) knows that he's not part of the plan before you rob him of his sperm under false pretenses.

Posted by LittleStar

Posted by starlover
Children are never *lost*

The bond between a mother and son/daughter is forever

Children are their own individual beings. We raise them and bond with them, but then they must be let go. There is no "keeping" them. They are not possessions.

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Yep

Posted by LittleStar
All I have to say is if you are thinking from your own selfish perspective that because you don't need a "father of your children" your children don't need that either, you probably shouldn't be having children.

Amen.

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by LittleStar
All I have to say is if you are thinking from your own selfish perspective that because you don't need a "father of your children" your children don't need that either, you probably shouldn't be having children.

Amen.

click to expand

+1

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by lnana04

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by lnana04
I don't know, but I always visioned...

God
Children
Family
Spouse

I think when it comes to people, my top priority would be my children. They would be the biggest reflection of myself, the biggest part of me and I'd dedicate a lot of time in helping them succeed in this crazy world. More than anything, I'd want my children to be happy.

As far as family...immediate family(Mom, sister, grandmother etc) they've been around longer. I can see me dating a man they don't care for, but I'd never turn my back on my family for my guy. If he is a boyfriend, I'm kind of leaning towards family. If he is a husband, I'm a bit more neutral well depending on what it is.

Spouse, I don't know. I don't have a lot of faith in men, so they come last. Of course my scorpio venus causes me to stress when I'm into someone, which affects everybody, but still.. More than anything, I see my children coming first.

So the father of your children (their dad), comes last.

Seems kind of contradictory to have your children as your top priority, but their other parent last.

SMH .... @ the disposable father.

Ha! Disposable is exactly the word I was going to use. I wanted to have kids, yeeears ago, and I literally wanted to be a single mother. Their father was never in the visions I had when I would think of raising my child.

When I think of relationships, and marriage especially, I think of stress. Their father will most likely stress me the most, so yeah...he'll be last on the list. Being last doesn't mean he won't be taken care of though.

Why not just get artificially inseminated if that is your thought process?

What you see as avoiding stress, you kids may see as being deprived of joy, and their father.

Make sure the poor sap (father) knows that he's not part of the plan before you rob him of his sperm under false pretenses.

click to expand

Was my thought process. I wanted kids yeeears ago, these days...not so much. IF I do have kids, and don't marry their father, he most definitely will be around and a big part of their lives, I

now hope. Like I said before, IF I do marry their father, I'm not sure he would be number one on my list but I would still take care of him.

It sure isn't a "right" answer. In my experience, I've seen women that are adamant about keeping their families together and putting their spouses first, and the kids end up resenting the mothers, as usual, for exposing them to dysfunction and chaos, which is what usually becomes of the household if the man is the head of it loll, sorry, and the woman has stroked his ego for too long.

By putting my kids first, in a nutshell I'm saying to my husband, if things get ever get crazy or you decide to act crazy, I'm out. I will not raise my kids in any kind of stressful environment. If I pick the perfect guy, then we are all good of course, but who gets what they want these days *eyeroll*?

again stuff T says goes way over my head. what movie?

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by lnana04
I don't know, but I always visioned...

God
Children
Family
Spouse

I think when it comes to people, my top priority would be my children. They would be the biggest reflection of myself, the biggest part of me and I'd dedicate a lot of time in helping them succeed in this crazy world. More than anything, I'd want my children to be happy.

As far as family...immediate family(Mom, sister, grandmother etc) they've been around longer. I can see me dating a man they don't care for, but I'd never turn my back on my family for my guy. If he is a boyfriend, I'm kind of leaning towards family. If he is a husband, I'm a bit more neutral well depending on what it is.

Spouse, I don't know. I don't have a lot of faith in men, so they come last. Of course my scorpio venus causes me to stress when I'm into someone, which affects everybody, but still.. More than anything, I see my children coming first.

So the father of your children (their dad), comes last.

Seems kind of contradictory to have your children as your top priority, but their other parent last.

SMH .... @ the disposable father.

click to expand

yeah I Agree Cap tenn

My parents put me first but putting themselves first. They are the first line of defense to the family foundation.

I remember at 7y/o asking my mom for spaghetti for dinner. She told me no, because my dad wants pot raost. From then on, i knew my place and where her loyalty was.

i dont resent either of them. They put their relationship first to help build a stronger family.

"Spouse, I don't know. I don't have a lot of faith in men, so they come last."

Besides children are children (if you have forgotten the big difference look how law distinguishes).

We bring them into the world, so we have to protect them. They didn't ask us to come here.