tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts
Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
Libra M, Aqua F, Internet and LDR = ? (Page 2)
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and i want to clarify that i agree with most every conclusion tiki came to. this man gives me the hebegebes too. not sure why. just does.
i think victimized women ask too often, "what am i doing wrong?" while ignoring all the wrongs that he's doing. i THINK that's the point tiki is getting at? and if so, i agree 100% .
what i'm saying is, an abused women should be asking "what am i doing wrong...that's making me stay in this abusive situation?" why are you allowing the cycle to continue? what in you is broken? why have you not reached out to a friend, family, stranger, shelter? something in you is blocking your escape. you can't control or predict his behavior. he might make good on his threats but that's a reason to find a safe and quick exit...not to stay.
in the end, it's about balance and centering yourself. we all seek it. very few of us have it.
so barring any alarms, go eat food and let him show you who he is and proceed from there.
i think victimized women ask too often, "what am i doing wrong?" while ignoring all the wrongs that he's doing. i THINK that's the point tiki is getting at? and if so, i agree 100% .
what i'm saying is, an abused women should be asking "what am i doing wrong...that's making me stay in this abusive situation?" why are you allowing the cycle to continue? what in you is broken? why have you not reached out to a friend, family, stranger, shelter? something in you is blocking your escape. you can't control or predict his behavior. he might make good on his threats but that's a reason to find a safe and quick exit...not to stay.
in the end, it's about balance and centering yourself. we all seek it. very few of us have it.
so barring any alarms, go eat food and let him show you who he is and proceed from there.
Posted by tubbyscubby
frankly if went out with a guy who viewed me through the lenses of "angry black woman," he wouldn't get a second date.
there will be bad people out there. no need to fear them if you're well equipped.
so she's right, you need to use common sense. you need to be aware of the signs and signals but don't let it cripple you. don't go looking for trouble around every corner...just be on guard for it.
Tubby...YES! Well that's another "point" I didn't want to go into the race card but it is also on the table. I'm African-American and I've dated all races. My ex-husband was white and we were together 8 years. However; I've noticed there is a very, VERYYYY distinct dating style between the white and the black men I've dated. Mr. X, of course, being black his whole demeanor is different. His whole approach is different however when I compare him to OTHER black men I've dated he doesn't really fit the pattern I see from them. And when I date white men I get a totally different pattern/approach. That could be of course, because when I date a white male maybe we are both aware of the race issue so there's a little more "caution" in the approach, what we say...careful, careful not to step on toes. All I know is in my blogs I write about the many challenges Black Women face when dating. Our set of challenges are very different from women of other ethnic backgrounds. So on top of ALL the confusion I have in regards to online dating/LDR and now his "true" intentions I'm also conflicted with the "Well girl he MAY be one of the rare ones out there so maybe you better jump on it!"
Good advice in this post! Thank you! Thank You!
Posted by tiki33
You know being a former victim of codependent abuse how deep this goes, I help women with these issues so I know how deep the rabbit hole goes, you cannot afford not to pay attention and you know exactly what I mean by that statement, being observant around men after abuse is a part of YOUR reality...
I have a feeling after 2 years of no male contact your going to have fun d:
Tiki you are an emotional stronghold right now! lol and yes, I DO know what you mean when you make that statement. I don't have the luxury of being "laxed" in my view of men. I had a nice message in my inbox from someone and I went on to explain to her this:
I have very, very hard time making relationships in the real world. Men constantly flirt with me, ask for my number. I'm SOOOO distrustful I never give my number out. I never go to clubs. I do go work out. I stay home about 90% of my week unless I absolutely MUST leave the house. Now I'm not a recluse obviously...because I'm very HAPPY/CONTENT this way. So I guess I'm clinging to this man because I see him as "safe". He's over >>>>>there and I'm over here
Posted by tubbyscubbyPosted by Awake
I thought about this too, and I found a solution and here it is. This is my key for internet speaking, so if you see this, you'll know Im not Jedi mind tricking.
*=Yes
&=No
##= Maybe
and hop up and down if you are excited
"and we're going to get you a therapist but i get his point."
click to expand
Bafoonery. At it's finest 🙂
Posted by tubbyscubby
and i want to clarify that i agree with most every conclusion tiki came to. this man gives me the hebegebes too. not sure why. just does.
what i'm saying is, an abused women should be asking "what am i doing wrong...that's making me stay in this abusive situation?" something in you is blocking your escape. you can't control or predict his behavior.
in the end, it's about balance and centering yourself. we all seek it. very few of us have it.
so barring any alarms, go eat food and let him show you who he is and proceed from there.
Haha @ "go eat food" Tubby girl you're funny!
Well I wish I could share a pic of him you girls would definately not be thinking hebegebees...lol. You take one look and be like "This little teeny tiny man is giving you ALLL this grief" lol. But in all serious no I feel your caution in approaching the situation. I've had men before that have given me the creeps. After my last abusive relationship I took a self-defense class that helps teach women "awareness" and "warning signs". Physical treat is complete non-existent with this one however; emotional threat....is set at level 10. So I will be proceeding with caution!
Posted by AquaFemmeFatale
Tiki you are an emotional stronghold right now! lol and yes, I DO know what you mean when you make that statement. I don't have the luxury of being "laxed" in my view of men. I had a nice message in my inbox from someone and I went on to explain to her this:
I have very, very hard time making relationships in the real world. Men constantly flirt with me, ask for my number. I'm SOOOO distrustful I never give my number out. I never go to clubs. I do go work out. I stay home about 90% of my week unless I absolutely MUST leave the house. Now I'm not a recluse obviously...because I'm very HAPPY/CONTENT this way. So I guess I'm clinging to this man because I see him as "safe". He's over >>>>>there and I'm over here He's really got all his ducks in a row so what is it about ME that makes me so attractive to him. Which puts me in the mindset: 1. Either he sees on FB how no-nonsense I am. He sees how guys come at me and get brushed off. He sees how content I am being "single" and he figures that will make me the most rewarding challenge of his life or 2. He geniunely does like me, wants to get to know me?
ok, red flags. we all have self-esteem issues in varying degrees but when you have to ask "why me?," you ain't ready. it's this mindset (among other things) that puts a woman in a position to become a victim of abuse. if you know your worth, you don't need to ask the question. and if you're asking the question, then you're right, why isn't he asking the same thing?
it's one thing to come from a broken past. it's another to still be broken. GENERALLY, men who are attracted to damaged women are GENERALLY the types to inflict further damage. goes back to the child molester comparison. the molester is more likely to go after the child from the broken home than the one with a solid foundation.
i also think that people who get involved in LDRs for the barrier, for the distance, are playing at love. they're not ready for a real relationship, they know they're not, but why not have all the feelings of love without the trappings.
go eat food but realistically, this isn't going to work long-term. regardless of what he's doing, you're sealing fates too.
Alright look...
If every little word I write is going to be dissected/chopped and screwed and then thrown back at me negatively it's best for me NOT to open up to much and just keep my comments here short, sweet and too the point.
Not one time...and this is a pretty long thread has anyone taken ONE phrase I've taken and turned it into a positive. At all. I know in the beginning I said I'm open to encouragement/discouragement but honestly I'm starting to feel like a bonafied nut-case.
Bottom line is this...the whole original point for me writing this thread was an examination of HIS actions and behaviors. I don't feel I have to continue to justify where I am at in MY life because I feel 150% confident in what I've been through. I know what I want. I know what I don't want. I know I can't afford to be stupid or not use common sense but I also feel there's somethingt there that's geniune.
It's so easy for folks to see the negatives in a situation, that is just our overall pessimistic human nature. And in retrospect a great deal of what's being said and what's being written may be right. If nothing else it's open my eyes to him...what type of person he MAY or MAY NOT be and how I need to tread carefully on this situation.
I'm being called desperate, a victim...playing at love, fearful I mean really guys? Really? C'mon! That' is entirely NOT FAIR! And anyone who's ever been a victim of mental or physical abuse knows that what is need is positive mental upbuilding using positive words, words of reinforcement and words of encouragement. A victim does not need to be continuously reminded of the fact that that she WAS a victim...I mean, she/he knows it after all they were the ones living through it.
And I absolutely do not agree with the statement that people who get involved in LDR's are not ready for a real relationship.
End of the day...the advice is good but I'm not one to sit around and keep getting slammed. That's part of my Aquarian nature I will only take so much negativity. I feel this thread has reached it's zenith in terms of negativity. So to be told "it's not going to work long term" that's a very definitive statement and I know noone here, including myself has the ability of furturistic foresight.
The good and practical advice given has been noted and will be followed.
If every little word I write is going to be dissected/chopped and screwed and then thrown back at me negatively it's best for me NOT to open up to much and just keep my comments here short, sweet and too the point.
Not one time...and this is a pretty long thread has anyone taken ONE phrase I've taken and turned it into a positive. At all. I know in the beginning I said I'm open to encouragement/discouragement but honestly I'm starting to feel like a bonafied nut-case.
Bottom line is this...the whole original point for me writing this thread was an examination of HIS actions and behaviors. I don't feel I have to continue to justify where I am at in MY life because I feel 150% confident in what I've been through. I know what I want. I know what I don't want. I know I can't afford to be stupid or not use common sense but I also feel there's somethingt there that's geniune.
It's so easy for folks to see the negatives in a situation, that is just our overall pessimistic human nature. And in retrospect a great deal of what's being said and what's being written may be right. If nothing else it's open my eyes to him...what type of person he MAY or MAY NOT be and how I need to tread carefully on this situation.
I'm being called desperate, a victim...playing at love, fearful I mean really guys? Really? C'mon! That' is entirely NOT FAIR! And anyone who's ever been a victim of mental or physical abuse knows that what is need is positive mental upbuilding using positive words, words of reinforcement and words of encouragement. A victim does not need to be continuously reminded of the fact that that she WAS a victim...I mean, she/he knows it after all they were the ones living through it.
And I absolutely do not agree with the statement that people who get involved in LDR's are not ready for a real relationship.
End of the day...the advice is good but I'm not one to sit around and keep getting slammed. That's part of my Aquarian nature I will only take so much negativity. I feel this thread has reached it's zenith in terms of negativity. So to be told "it's not going to work long term" that's a very definitive statement and I know noone here, including myself has the ability of furturistic foresight.
The good and practical advice given has been noted and will be followed.
If every little word I write is going to be dissected/chopped and screwed and then thrown back at me negatively it's best for me NOT to open up to much and just keep my comments here short, sweet and too the point.
Not one time...and this is a pretty long thread has anyone taken ONE phrase I've taken and turned it into a positive.
are you kidding? from the jump i said center yourself and eat food and now i'm being negative? HA!
mi real all day, everyday. period.
Bottom line is this...the whole original point for me writing this thread was an examination of HIS actions and behaviors. I don't feel I have to continue to justify where I am at in MY life because I feel 150% confident in what I've been through.
how utterly arrogant of you. realistic much?
the only constant you've shared is that of abuse. now where you want to self-righteously proclaim that you're "cured," sorry you don't have the right. you sound like an indignant ex-addict.
you are prone to "relapse." you have to be hyper-vigilant not just by examining him, but by taking stock of yourself.
And anyone who's ever been a victim of mental or physical abuse knows that what is need is positive mental upbuilding using positive words, words of reinforcement and words of encouragement.
ahh, fantansy. so because you've been abused you don't get called on BS?
real words not positive ones. no one is going to inflate your ego and tell you what you want to hear.
And I absolutely do not agree with the statement that people who get involved in LDR's are not ready for a real relationship.
*lol* yep, defensive.
https://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/relationships/international-long-distand-online-dating-1948502/ http://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/messages.asp?id=2000018<BR>
uncross your arms.
right now, you ARE playing at this. read the online dating thread above and you might understand why.
when you get out of "not me" mode, i can share with you how to POSITIVELY alter your mindset so that IF this man is the one, you can move it from being mere fantasy to everyday life. if not, remember this moment because without a shift, yall won't last and i'd bet real money on it.
Not one time...and this is a pretty long thread has anyone taken ONE phrase I've taken and turned it into a positive.
are you kidding? from the jump i said center yourself and eat food and now i'm being negative? HA!
mi real all day, everyday. period.
Bottom line is this...the whole original point for me writing this thread was an examination of HIS actions and behaviors. I don't feel I have to continue to justify where I am at in MY life because I feel 150% confident in what I've been through.
how utterly arrogant of you. realistic much?
the only constant you've shared is that of abuse. now where you want to self-righteously proclaim that you're "cured," sorry you don't have the right. you sound like an indignant ex-addict.
you are prone to "relapse." you have to be hyper-vigilant not just by examining him, but by taking stock of yourself.
And anyone who's ever been a victim of mental or physical abuse knows that what is need is positive mental upbuilding using positive words, words of reinforcement and words of encouragement.
ahh, fantansy. so because you've been abused you don't get called on BS?
real words not positive ones. no one is going to inflate your ego and tell you what you want to hear.
And I absolutely do not agree with the statement that people who get involved in LDR's are not ready for a real relationship.
*lol* yep, defensive.
https://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/relationships/international-long-distand-online-dating-1948502/ http://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/messages.asp?id=2000018<BR>
uncross your arms.
right now, you ARE playing at this. read the online dating thread above and you might understand why.
when you get out of "not me" mode, i can share with you how to POSITIVELY alter your mindset so that IF this man is the one, you can move it from being mere fantasy to everyday life. if not, remember this moment because without a shift, yall won't last and i'd bet real money on it.
I told you how I felt about this guy but I don't think you were prepared for it....Someone said she got the creeps from him, I said I felt he was being manipulative and running NLP seduction techniques on you...I mean how many more clues and cues do you really need from us here...You don't really want to open up about this guy to your friends which is a red flag, you should have someone to open up to as to not sugar coat and hide certain aspects of your relationships with men....You still have some healing to do, I myself learned through my own life experiences with men is to be honest with myself always, no matter how stupid I behaved I would tell my mentor and confidante about it, it helped me to let go and figure out quickly what I needed to do for myself....I just feel your still in a space were your not able to do that which can only lead you back into a bad space.
You know how we feel about what you have chosen to reveal and now you just have to figure the rest out on your own, for yourself.....I don't feel were far off the path about you and this situation but it's not our path to walk, not our issue to deal with and inevitably you being an grown adult have to go it alone and figure out the hard stuff on your own.
I mentioned earlier that I don't feel this guy is the one but he's someone to get your feet wet as you get back out into the dating world, yes he's moving too fast verbally for someone that hasn't even met you to say the things he's saying, I'm not saying people don't express themselves, it's just something about how he patterns it that gives me that icky vibe, of course people meet online and reveal certain feelings but the encounters with men that I have had that behaved this way always ended poorly because in the end he didn't really know me enough to tell me how he truly felt deep down inside, I learned it was just shallow surface talk as to get his way and before he can do that he must get to feel safe and less guarded, yes it feels good to be accepted but in the end I had to learn me feeling liked and me needing a man's acceptance was leaving a gap open for neglect, I had to accept and strengthen my weaknesses first and then things went much smoother and now I have a great man in my life, if I had just accepted myself completely from the get I may have never even have fallen for the crap talk about feelings in the first place....Of course this was many moons ago
You know how we feel about what you have chosen to reveal and now you just have to figure the rest out on your own, for yourself.....I don't feel were far off the path about you and this situation but it's not our path to walk, not our issue to deal with and inevitably you being an grown adult have to go it alone and figure out the hard stuff on your own.
I mentioned earlier that I don't feel this guy is the one but he's someone to get your feet wet as you get back out into the dating world, yes he's moving too fast verbally for someone that hasn't even met you to say the things he's saying, I'm not saying people don't express themselves, it's just something about how he patterns it that gives me that icky vibe, of course people meet online and reveal certain feelings but the encounters with men that I have had that behaved this way always ended poorly because in the end he didn't really know me enough to tell me how he truly felt deep down inside, I learned it was just shallow surface talk as to get his way and before he can do that he must get to feel safe and less guarded, yes it feels good to be accepted but in the end I had to learn me feeling liked and me needing a man's acceptance was leaving a gap open for neglect, I had to accept and strengthen my weaknesses first and then things went much smoother and now I have a great man in my life, if I had just accepted myself completely from the get I may have never even have fallen for the crap talk about feelings in the first place....Of course this was many moons ago
I haven't had any really bad experiences with men but pain is pain and everyone gets hurt from time to time be online or offline, there are red flags but it's not up to us to make you heed those red flags....You have to learn how to take care of yourself and this is a fresh new start to see if your really going to heed red flags and do what's best for you and not allow your feelings to pull you back into another neglectful place with a man...
As I said earlier I believe you will have fun, I don't see a real problem with your situation as of yet nothing has happened, no one is hurt and everything is a big question mark as to how far this will go.
I wish you the best of luck...
As I said earlier I believe you will have fun, I don't see a real problem with your situation as of yet nothing has happened, no one is hurt and everything is a big question mark as to how far this will go.
I wish you the best of luck...
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