Modern Dating

Where are all the normal girls and boys wanting to give a chance and put an effort into something light-hearted, funny but willing to be become serious? I only seem to find the types that want everything here and now, like if you don't text every day or screw the first date they just lost the interest. Or the types that can have great conversations and dates with you over two, three months, but as soon as you ask her twice (over two weeks) when she has time to see you again you're regarded as pressing and impatient. And that you're taking it too seriously (really, what was this all about?).

Anyway, just venting. Anyone willing to share any stories?

thats because after awhile of trying to date and dating the wrong ones the women BECOMES LESS ACCEPTING AND MORE IMPATIENT (blame it on the guys who take advantage of the good women and turn them into paranoid and obnoxiousness) and wants to see what you're about now. i am guilty of losing interest over what you may think is trivial... i think its because we allow things to pass and looked over things only for the man to turn out to still be a dud... so no longer settling for even the little things on our list... like no text for a week? you're out of there.

It's such a fine line and a matter of giving without expecting anything. Unfortunately I've been encountering either the too impatient or the too patient types. The ones that want something starting to be built after a week and the ones that rather take three/four months of knowing someone. I should add that this in London, where most have really busy work/social schedules and travel a lot. I'm much more interested in the ones that rather take a longer time, I just need to build my patient levels and see more people at the same time (which is rather difficult for me actually). When I say giving without expecting anything: this is true for any side of life but especially with dating. Because you don't know where the other person is and who they are, so if you are willing to invest a bit you can only take a risk and see where it might taking you.

Posted by tiziani
I'm terrible at dating.

Maybe you need to try expecting something in return for a change. See what kind of reactions you get.

This was actually the girl I asked in the horary two weeks ago! At the time I asked because I was sensing her slowly putting from distance. Turns out my gut feeling was right!..

And regarding giving. I tried. Like I did nice things to her, some that I never did to anyone else. I sent her flowers when she was sick. And every time I did something nice, like the flowers or complimenting her, or asking her out, I would stop and wait for her to come back. Giving her the chance to give something back. She always gave something back until the last moment.

Regarding the act of giving, no I don't think you can expect anything back. What you can do is to wait to receive back. Or at least this was the conclusion I've got after much working over the last year. I don't think it's a nice theory. In my head the word "wait" triggers a rational approach that you can control as much as possible. Whilst "expect" triggers an emotional one that can be easily followed by jealously, impatient, unfair demands and pressing.

Posted by tiziani

Posted by carrazeda

Posted by tiziani
I'm terrible at dating.

Maybe you need to try expecting something in return for a change. See what kind of reactions you get.

This was actually the girl I asked in the horary two weeks ago! At the time I asked because I was sensing her slowly putting from distance. Turns out my gut feeling was right!..

And regarding giving. I tried. Like I did nice things to her, some that I never did to anyone else. I sent her flowers when she was sick. And every time I did something nice, like the flowers or complimenting her, or asking her out, I would stop and wait for her to come back. Giving her the chance to give something back. She always gave something back until the last moment.

I'm confused about who was moving faster? I thought she was, but at the end she put distance?

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In the horary she was the one moving faster. What she told me yesterday was that she got some impatient vibes from me and started to put some distance. I got that feeling from her two weeks ago and the I was crossed because she never confirmed my invite to the gig of one of my favorite artists - the reason why she thought I was being impatient because I asked about that twice over two weeks (I had tickets from before and wanted to know if I should take a friend).

It wasn't meant to be. If you are really into a guy you don't forget that he invited you to something. And you don't step back just because he asked twice about that.

Posted by RooSagicorn
I hate dating. I’m really bad at it, mostly because I’ve always been in relationships. I think typically it’s the quick way. If it’s there, it’s there & why wait? No not sex on the first date but I always have this attitude of if it’s going somewhere, let’s go! 😂 But, if it’s taking too long it means I’m not interested.

Current bf has been a lot of stops & starts while we work through all these things. Well that’s what baggage does to you. But we seem to keep choosing to walk down this road. After all, that’s what counts. Choosing to figure it all out 🙂

I feel really bad at it also. I've been doing a fair bit of dating over the last year after spending ten years in long time relationships. So I pretty much never dated in my life and went straight to it at 31! ._. It has been quite a journey!

I believe normal people exist. People who are down to earth and chill. They love to relax at home and be warm just as much as they love adventures. They are more focused on living life by the day and realize there is little point to set in stone a tomorrow that isn't gaurenteed to come.

Those are the type of people you want to look for. Everyone else is fuelled by delusion or has been broken so badly they will never be repaired.

Which is another point for all the people trying to date that feel they been fucked over and hurt by men or women in their past. Which is their excuse for being how they are today. Stop expecting a man or woman to fix you and go fix yourself. Stop expecting so much out of people and just take dating from a calm perspective.

I asked the Capricorn I was briefly talking to, to tell me if I have any off putting qualities, he replied "Maybe a little pushy to be honest."... I initially took him saying that really well because he's probably right. However, I think my direct and dry sense of humor is often taken literally. Today I feel kind of discouraged, where I should have taken that honesty in stride. I feel like even when i'm trying not to be aggressive, I always am.

Posted by Ellygant

Posted by carrazeda
Regarding the act of giving, no I don't think you can expect anything back. What you can do is to wait to receive back. Or at least this was the conclusion I've got after much working over the last year. I don't think it's a nice theory. In my head the word "wait" triggers a rational approach that you can control as much as possible. Whilst "expect" triggers an emotional one that can be easily followed by jealously, impatient, unfair demands and pressing.

So you just continue to give not wanting anything, but only quietly hoping?

Doesn’t that ever get exhausting? Trying to exert so much mental control? Seems a lot of work at the start of a something new, that honeymoon period where things are supposed to flow.

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If the other isn't giving back you should move on. That's how I do it today. You can't expect, and you might choose not to wait if it makes sense (I'm not suggesting you should stop and go all the time). It takes a lot of mental endurance yes, but i don't know how you can do it differently.

Posted by heliumfiasco
I asked the Capricorn I was briefly talking to, to tell me if I have any off putting qualities, he replied "Maybe a little pushy to be honest."... I initially took him saying that really well because he's probably right. However, I think my direct and dry sense of humor is often taken literally. Today I feel kind of discouraged, where I should have taken that honesty in stride. I feel like even when i'm trying not to be aggressive, I always am.

I actually can relate to that. Maybe because I also have a gemini moon and leo mercury. I can be very blunt and I have a really dry and sarcastic humor. I use it in a funny way but I'm often taken to literally!

Posted by carrazeda
It's such a fine line and a matter of giving without expecting anything. Unfortunately I've been encountering either the too impatient or the too patient types. The ones that want something starting to be built after a week and the ones that rather take three/four months of knowing someone. I should add that this in London, where most have really busy work/social schedules and travel a lot. I'm much more interested in the ones that rather take a longer time, I just need to build my patient levels and see more people at the same time (which is rather difficult for me actually). When I say giving without expecting anything: this is true for any side of life but especially with dating. Because you don't know where the other person is and who they are, so if you are willing to invest a bit you can only take a risk and see where it might taking you.

I've got a Cancer friend that I think is slowly making his way towards dating me. But we have both said we aren't ready for anything new right now... What I like is that I respect that about him and he respects it about me. He has kissed me a few times in the past and held my hand but he gives me space and time until I know that I'm sure and he feels ready. For us this works and I couldn't see myself "dating" and putting myself through what you describe... I like to take my time when I've found someone very special and "worth" it.

Posted by Ellygant

Posted by carrazeda

Posted by Ellygant

Posted by carrazeda
Regarding the act of giving, no I don't think you can expect anything back. What you can do is to wait to receive back. Or at least this was the conclusion I've got after much working over the last year. I don't think it's a nice theory. In my head the word "wait" triggers a rational approach that you can control as much as possible. Whilst "expect" triggers an emotional one that can be easily followed by jealously, impatient, unfair demands and pressing.

So you just continue to give not wanting anything, but only quietly hoping?

Doesn’t that ever get exhausting? Trying to exert so much mental control? Seems a lot of work at the start of a something new, that honeymoon period where things are supposed to flow.

If the other isn't giving back you should move on. That's how I do it today. You can't expect, and you might choose not to wait if it makes sense (I'm not suggesting you should stop and go all the time). It takes a lot of mental endurance yes, but i don't know how you can do it differently.

I genuinely don’t know what you mean now lol. It’s so outside my frame of perception I guess.

I give. A lot. Often too much. If the immediate reaction is not appreciation followed by reciprocation of affection then I leave immediately.

So I expect to be show at minimum gratitude. And I do expect that to be followed up with a personal expression from the other person, be it however they chose that. I acknowledge some people give differently depending on what holds weight to them.

If someone cannot meet that expectation, then it means they don’t see relationships the same as I do and don’t value what I do. So bye.

The times I’ve given without any expectation of results I normally have no off valve. I’ll just keep giving till I’m in the negative range. When I expected nothing I was 100x more miserable and stayed in bad situations way too long. Now that I expect things, that rarely happens and I’m a lot happier. So I in short I really don’t get your pov I guess lol

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We are saying similar things but we have different timings. Are you a fire sign? 🙂 You just sound too quick making judgments and expecting something (hence I prefer wait). I mean from the others not from me. Which is fine if it works for you, it's probably just your way of being protected. Sorry for not elaborating more, have tons of work to do. 😢

Posted by tiziani
I'd guess it's a lot of luck and timing, and maybe a dash of personal soul work on top to seal the deal.

I've been going hard on the personal soul work. Sometimes I get discouraged and fall into an atheists existential crisis.

Posted by tiziani

Posted by heliumfiasco

Posted by tiziani
I'd guess it's a lot of luck and timing, and maybe a dash of personal soul work on top to seal the deal.

I've been going hard on the personal soul work. Sometimes I get discouraged and fall into an atheists existential crisis.

Yeah I think existentialism really ... I used a lot of that to screw myself over. I go easy on the soul work nowadays.

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Its a really hard thing for me to the juggle. I find when im embracing spiritualism I am much happier and seem to see signs everywhere. However, when I start to have my doubts about the importance of anything in general, I spiral quickly away from all my progress. If that makes sense....

Dating in general annoys me. Dating multiple people would be tiresome.

I end up dating people that I have had a friendship with, before dating.

Posted by nikkistar
Dating in general annoys me. Dating multiple people would be tiresome.

I end up dating people that I have had a friendship with, before dating.

I agree with the tiresome. It just takes a lot of energy. I've never dated more than one person at the same time but here in London is crazy. Everyone assumes that you are seeing two three people at the same time.

Posted by heliumfiasco

Posted by tiziani

Posted by heliumfiasco

Posted by tiziani
I'd guess it's a lot of luck and timing, and maybe a dash of personal soul work on top to seal the deal.

I've been going hard on the personal soul work. Sometimes I get discouraged and fall into an atheists existential crisis.

Yeah I think existentialism really ... I used a lot of that to screw myself over. I go easy on the soul work nowadays.

Its a really hard thing for me to the juggle. I find when im embracing spiritualism I am much happier and seem to see signs everywhere. However, when I start to have my doubts about the importance of anything in general, I spiral quickly away from all my progress. If that makes sense....

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It makes but I guess it depends on the spiritualism you are embracing. I like science, the nature and the human knowledge. I find a lot of comfort in physics and the universe. For me it combines everything that's precise and rigorous, science, mathematics, etc, with a big spiritual journey much bigger than us. And because this is so big and constant it gives me spiritual security. After everything around us has been here for a long time and will continue for another lot - it just make our daily problems to look completely petty.

Posted by Soul
I believe normal people exist. People who are down to earth and chill. They love to relax at home and be warm just as much as they love adventures. They are more focused on living life by the day and realize there is little point to set in stone a tomorrow that isn't gaurenteed to come.

Those are the type of people you want to look for. Everyone else is fuelled by delusion or has been broken so badly they will never be repaired.

Which is another point for all the people trying to date that feel they been fucked over and hurt by men or women in their past. Which is their excuse for being how they are today. Stop expecting a man or woman to fix you and go fix yourself. Stop expecting so much out of people and just take dating from a calm perspective.

"Stop expecting a man or woman to fix you and go fix yourself. Stop expecting so much out of people and just take dating from a calm perspective. "

Yes agree. I hope you were saying that in general and not to me specifically. There's a lot to discuss about dating but I just came here on a venting day. 😉

Posted by Ellygant

Posted by carrazeda

Posted by Ellygant

Posted by carrazeda

Posted by Ellygant

Posted by carrazeda
Regarding the act of giving, no I don't think you can expect anything back. What you can do is to wait to receive back. Or at least this was the conclusion I've got after much working over the last year. I don't think it's a nice theory. In my head the word "wait" triggers a rational approach that you can control as much as possible. Whilst "expect" triggers an emotional one that can be easily followed by jealously, impatient, unfair demands and pressing.

So you just continue to give not wanting anything, but only quietly hoping?

Doesn’t that ever get exhausting? Trying to exert so much mental control? Seems a lot of work at the start of a something new, that honeymoon period where things are supposed to flow.

If the other isn't giving back you should move on. That's how I do it today. You can't expect, and you might choose not to wait if it makes sense (I'm not suggesting you should stop and go all the time). It takes a lot of mental endurance yes, but i don't know how you can do it differently.

I genuinely don’t know what you mean now lol. It’s so outside my frame of perception I guess.

I give. A lot. Often too much. If the immediate reaction is not appreciation followed by reciprocation of affection then I leave immediately.

So I expect to be show at minimum gratitude. And I do expect that to be followed up with a personal expression from the other person, be it however they chose that. I acknowledge some people give differently depending on what holds weight to them.

If someone cannot meet that expectation, then it means they don’t see relationships the same as I do and don’t value what I do. So bye.

The times I’ve given without any expectation of results I normally have no off valve. I’ll just keep giving till I’m in the negative range. When I expected nothing I was 100x more miserable and stayed in bad situations way too long. Now that I expect things, that rarely happens and I’m a lot happier. So I in short I really don’t get your pov I guess lol

We are saying similar things but we have different timings. Are you a fire sign? 🙂 You just sound too quick making judgments and expecting something (hence I prefer wait). I mean from the others not from me. Which is fine if it works for you, it's probably just your way of being protected. Sorry for not elaborating more, have tons of work to do. 😢

Lol at me being a fire sign.

Nah. I’m a Scorpio. Mostly all water in my personal placements.

I’m quick to make judgements. I don’t consider it too quick however. But often they’re the right ones. When I’ve been slow and waited I 95% had a bad feeling about doing so. And it ended badly every time.

The times I’ve forced myself to wait and see, I’d have to restrain myself. That normally ends up in me hating myself, the other person or the situation as I feel like a dog crammed into a cage two sizes too small.

Which is why I say dating sucks. Because I don’t consider my way wrong. I also don’t consider your way wrong either. There are just so many ways for a person to be and no matter how well intentioned you are or how great the chemistry is, you can’t make something great from every possibility. And you can’t fault people as much as you’d like either.

Seems more and more like lasting love comes only after deep personal soul work and a dash of luck and timing.

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"Seems more and more like lasting love comes only after deep personal soul work and a dash of luck and timing."

This. 😉

Dating sucks.

Posted by carrazeda

Posted by Soul
I believe normal people exist. People who are down to earth and chill. They love to relax at home and be warm just as much as they love adventures. They are more focused on living life by the day and realize there is little point to set in stone a tomorrow that isn't gaurenteed to come.

Those are the type of people you want to look for. Everyone else is fuelled by delusion or has been broken so badly they will never be repaired.

Which is another point for all the people trying to date that feel they been fucked over and hurt by men or women in their past. Which is their excuse for being how they are today. Stop expecting a man or woman to fix you and go fix yourself. Stop expecting so much out of people and just take dating from a calm perspective.

"Stop expecting a man or woman to fix you and go fix yourself. Stop expecting so much out of people and just take dating from a calm perspective. "

Yes agree. I hope you were saying that in general and not to me specifically. There's a lot to discuss about dating but I just came here on a venting day. 😉

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I wasn't directing that to you specifically lol. Just in general.

My advice is to be totally straight up from the beginning. If you look for the right one to built something serious then don't be afraid to say so when you text. Doesnt have to be THAT chick u texting with but then she knows that you are up to something serious IF it fits for both of you.

When I "met" my husband via the dating app and we started texting I was very clear from the start: are you ready for building a family/marriage with the right one? Are your finances stable? Do you live on your own? Etc

Since his answers matched my expectations I gave us a try and he could take me out on our first date - that saved a lot of time. If his answers didnt match my expectations I wouldnt have wasted my and his time and would have dated someone more fitting.

Save yourself time and nerves - don't wait around weeks/months to find out if you both want the same - tell these girls straight up and see who is left, then take them out within a week and there you go. Ditch those "oh lets just text for 20yrs and then eventually you can take me out" lol waste of time since they try way too hard to be "different"