LOVER vs LOVED

I did some Journaling the other night and came up with a really nice conclusion. I never would have come up with this conclusion if I hadn't gone through this relationship.

My experience has shown that I can be a LOVER (the one that admits they love someone first and falls hardest and commits 100% to trying to give the relationship all they can) or be the LOVED (the one that admits they love after the LOVER first admits they LOVE THEM and always has the COMFORT of knowing they are LOVED by the LOVER)
I have been both and here is my experience and conclusions.
My experience: As a LOVER, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, All options are available, figuratively and really. When in Love, colors are bighter, jokes are funnier, silliness is accepted, even encouraged and the believe in something greater than ourselves is real (God, Buddha, Nature, you choose). It's a wonderful feeling to Love. But always following is HEART BREAK when the relationship fails. (speaking only from my experiences). On the other hand the LOVED, is COMFORTED in KNOWING I am LOVED. I always have the option of not fully commiting because I am LOVED. I can aways keep one foot out the door ready to run at the first sign the relationship won't work. As the Loved, I try to remain PROTECTED from Pain by always thinking REALISTICALLY, (ie. never fully giving 100% ).

So LOVER: Gets ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE and JOY of LOVING, Cost: HEART BREAK
LOVE😱 Gets COMFORT of knowing I am LOVED, Reward: Shielded from PAIN as much as possible

After a broken engagement, I have spent the last 5 years as the LOVED in all my relationships. Until recently, I did not allow myself to do things that I so enjoy, Flowers, silliness all the time, notes. And even with this last relationship, I was still holding on somewhat to the LOVED mindset. (I prefer to be attacked than the one chasing). One of my gifts (if you will) is to listen to music that makes me cry and then at an honest level write beautiful poetry or romantic or funny stories. I have wanted to do this for the past 5 years for almost all the women I have dated, but been unwilling to. (Because as the LOVED to write something beautiful and give this to the LOVER would absulutely ENCOURAGE the LOVER to GIVE MORE, and that limits the LOVES ability to RUN.)Well, after this recent relationship went Cold, I realized that I was willing to write again. After writing I discovered.

What the phrase "It's better to have loved and Lost, than it is to never have loved at all"

As the LOVED, I get to minimize the Pain, but I miss out on the "ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE" feeling.

I also realized this. Ideally, there is a healthy way to deal with the pain of heart break.
I can do some personal reflection and try and learn where are some patterns in my relationships.
After each Heart Break, If I spend a healthy period growing, the relationships have been getting better.
(ie, The woman I date are slowly becoming more mature (in behavior, Ok in age too, ha ha ha).
But, I am no longer willing to settle for things that I know are just not for me.

I have always said, "It is better to single, than in a relationship for the wrong reasons..

Believe me, I honestly thought one could die from LACK OF NOOKY, but my DR. tells me it's not possible.

As the LOVER, I also get the joy that comes from Giving. If the LOVED enjoys the flowers, the LOVER enjoys giving at least 10 times more.

My summation as of now, "It's better to have loved, enjoying the All Things are possible feeling and the joys of loving, even if for a brief period and have to deal with heart break (always being optimistic that it will last this time) than it is to miss out on that loving feeling because I am too afraid of making the wrong decision or to afraid of getting hurt.

Birth is UGLY, Life isn't always fair and Feelings just are...

Pain isn't guranteed, but if I don't take a chance on LOVE, then I am guranteed to not experience LOVE and all that it offers.

Have an AWESOME DAY...

PS, Single Life isn't so bad, if it weren't for the HORNINESS. ah ah ah

Wow that was beautiful and I've never looked at it like that, but it makes perfect sense to me...I almost had a tear in my eye!

I am the loved, too fearful to take the leap in case of rejection & wanting to be sheilded from pain. But I want to be the lover I just dont know if I have it in me to give that 100% when someone does come around...have I been to damaged by the past..perhaps so..is this why no one seems to work out for me...yes I think it is...

Next time round, I will endeavour to let my guard down and put things from the past out of my mind and let myself feel whats real and try to become the Lover...at the risk of potential heartache because inevitably that risk is there whether you are the LOVER or the LOVED!

Thanks for that LT

Sweetheats

I do like your avatar.

Yes, having been the LOVED for the last 5 years, I also know that it's a false sense of protection.

Because even the LOVED ends up hurt. It's a somewhat CONTROLLED PAINED but it's still painful.

The LOVER can only give so long and the LOVED can only take without giving, before the LOVER finally conceedes that this relationship can't work if the the LOVED doesn't return the LOVE.

As the LOVED, the COMFORT of being loved turns into "I knew it couldn't last" which is painful in it's own right, but never got to ENJOY the ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

* Believe me, I honestly thought one could die from LACK OF NOOKY, but my DR. tells me it's not possible.

I'm convinced he's lying.

🙂

That's why I had to get a second and third opinion , I agree with you.

This is an awesome topic LibraTopcat! I have to admit being a "Lover" always worked for me better. It makes me feel good giving in to the feelings and trying to make someone happy. Otherwise, what's the point in being in relationship?
I've been a "Loved" only once and I felt suffocated and I felt like I was taking an advantage of a person.

My question to you is, is it possible for both partners to be Lovers? If not, then it makes me sad, because that would an ideal relationship for me. Giving your all and other person giving their all = perfection!

I love to be a lover and I love to be loved... where ya been all my life— 😄

Yes I like it too very much, I think that alot of us would like to feel that sort of warmth.

So ideally there needs to be two LOVERS...just like the avatar...two insync not afraid of letting their feelings show, not an easy quest in reality!

I think the percentage of LOVED out ways the LOVERS unfortunetly.



Haha you both are Librans is it NOOKY or LOVE you are looking for and think you will die without?

"two insync not afraid of letting their feelings show" - music to my ears!

Both Partners being lovers is what every LOVER is Hoping it will be this time.

The LOVED desires to be a LOVER, it's that the belief that I can avoid getting hurt if I don't say I LOVE YOU first. But by making rules I am already setting boundries and can't feel the full POWER of LOVE and the feeling that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE...

Just FYI I wrote what I discovered about myself and my experiences. I really am searching for both Partners being LOVERS.

I don't know any more answers than the next person. I just put down my findings and hoped it sparked others interest, to share their experiences.

It helps me to learn more about myself and grow as a person, friend and lover.

For example, with my last relationship, It took me like 5 days to remember, WOW, the whole relationship was without expectations and for some reason I put a heavy expectation on it. NOTHING changed except my thinking...

Whew, thank God, I don't pretend to know much of anything...

Have an awesome day!!

I tend to overthink at times, but I never analyse my emotions - it wouldn't work anyway... I would not be able to act like this... either you touch my heart from the start or not. If you do, I fall for you. Why do I have to follow a theory at all? I just drift through life more or less... each situation is unique.... each person is unique.... one never knows what happens next. Isn't that beautiful? Every day is a new one, every journey a new one as we improvise, connect and adapt to an exciting person, place or experience in our lives.

And once you fall for someone do you then hold back like the LOVED or are you the LOVER? LT's theory as you put it is just pointing out how people react when in this situation. It's not going to happen with every person you meet/date but only the ones that you do connect with.



The LOVED desires to be a LOVER, it's that the belief that I can avoid getting hurt if I don't say I LOVE YOU first. But by making rules I am already setting boundries and can't feel the full POWER of LOVE and the feeling that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE...



And the belief that if the other person says it first it makes you the stronger in the relationship...then again I know alot of women say it too soon, I think we feel it so much sooner because sharing our bodies is different with women...and often when the woman says it too soon the man flees...

My mind tells me loved my heart and soul tell me lover.

And the belief that if the other person says I LOVE YOU first it makes you the stronger in the relationship...

YES, YES

then again I know alot of women say it too soon, I think we feel it so much sooner because sharing our bodies is different with women...

THAT'S EXACTLY IT, I FEEL I SHARE MY BODY TOO, AND FEEL LOVE EARLY, BUT SAY, "I LIKE YOU ALOT"

and often when the woman says it too soon the man flees

I CHALLENGE THAT OFTEN whoever SAYS IT FIRST, THE OTHER FLEES. OR if doesn't FLEE, TAKES on The LOVED Role, WOW!!



This is the meat and potatos of what I wanted to start. YES, YES AWESOME...


NOTE: ONLY used caps because I'm not sure how to BOLD without COPY and PASTING BOLD TYPE...

@ DA I would think that makes you a considerate LOVER...I also dont think there really is a time limit on it for the LOVER but maybe for the LOVED..if said too soon.

So then looking at it in that way...even if you are normally the LOVER, you can quite easily become the LOVED if in fact the person you are with feels it before you...dont you think LT?

And in the beginning you are both the LOVED!

Is this starting to confuse everyone? lmao because it makes perfect sense to me and LT. Haha

i>But while I have eyes for you only I usually won't confess until I know you feel comfortable with that... (does that make for a mixed form between Lover and Loved? i>

Yes, Yes this thread is alive... I so want to just watch it grow and let it grow I will


Big SMILES

go here


this will teach you to bold and italics and others and you can practice til you get it right 🙂

you can quite easily become the LOVED if in fact the person you are with feels it before you

YES,

It's at that point were I feel I love the other person and DON'T tell them. I say, I LIKE YOU REALLY ALOT or something, to get the feeling how they would take it, are they ready for it? At this point I am leaning toward the role of LOVED because I want the other to be the LOVER. I am not saying I am right, just that I am afraid of admitting my feelings and want a sense of protection from pain.

I want the LOVER to tell me, I love you, and because All things are possible for the LOVER, they will show me in little ways that allow me (the LOVED) to grow in the COMFORT of knowing I am LOVED, (I made the conscience decision to be the LOVED, by knowing I loved them but didn't tell them first (for whatever reason).

What I learned is that the COMFORT that the LOVED is waiting for is not worth the LITTLE PAIN I might be spared because,
1) I lose out on the ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE for the ability to keep one foot out the door
B) The LOVED will feel pain, because although there commitment is slightly less than 100% they still have a vested interest and can't escape pain. Hence, the idea of having one foot out the door to avoid pain is false.

This happened to me recently...for 5 years, when in relationships, I waited until the LOVER told me they loved me, before I said, I love you TOO.
Now, I am always saying TOO, of course I can initiate it once in a while but find myself usually playing tit for their tat.
Recently, I KNEW I loved her, and found myself saying I LIKE YOU REALLY ALOT, and she said, ME TOO, I LIKE YOU REALLY ALOT.
So 3 days passed, where she found out she had Cancer and went AWOL from everyone. I gave her space.
During those 3 days, I journaled and found out above, Pain is unavoidable and HELL, may as well experience ALL THINGS are POSSIBLE if pain is going to happen, Hence, I understand It's better to LOVED and Lost than to never have LOVED at all...Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Just my experience, and 2 cents...

This is a much deeper and fuller explanation of my often said, "In a relationship, one person always loves the other one just a little bit more. It's never really equal." Thank you, LT - you have solidified and clarified my thinking. It's the Lover and the Loved.

As a Pisces, I'm almost predestined to be the Lover... and in my youth, I was. Fruitlessly, in vain, painfully. I loved and loved, and they took and took until I was drained and empty. I built a shell.. walls & layers for protection. I hid my sensitive nature & my deepest emotions under a carefully constructed outer shell of nonchalance, of independence, of go-then-I-don't-need-you-anyway. It was a fragile strength at best, which often crumbled helplessly when I was alone where no one could see. But I became The Loved, always. I would not say I LOVE YOU first, never first. Always TOO. (The first time, anyway - within a relationship, I could initiate love & say it first sometimes, but it always made me feel desperately vulnerable & scared. But I always wanted to be The Lover again; it's my very nature. But somehow I could not. I don't mean to say that I did not love - I did, I do. But I was always in control, and never let them see too far underneath, where my dark secret was buried. I've existed like this for years; it only became worse when my husband died - never a bigger Lover than he has lived, never a more Loved than I was by him. And in my fumbling relationships and attempts since then... things never worked out - and someone new would ask why, saying that I was so wonderful and amazing in so many ways, how could anyone ever cheat on me or leave me? Well, they can. When they are the Lover too long, and their Loved cannot openly reciprocate. I told everyone who ever asked the truth - they left because they could not get close to me, I could not/would not let them in. They didn't believe me - I'm so open, so honest, like an open book. But they too learned... I am an ocean.. and you can see the surface for miles around. Just below the surface sometimes too.. but past that, it gets too deep.

Then the script got flipped.

With my Libra, I am the Lover, and he is the Loved. It's been rather uncomfortable for us both at times, getting used to it being this way. See, he was always the Lover, has never even ended a relationship, ever. And I've spent so many years in the false security of being the Loved, that being the Lover again.. well, sometimes it terrifies me. Logically speaking, HE should have been the Lover, and I the Loved. It is the roles we've had for so long, the way we've grown accustomed to being in relationships. So why is it different this time? How did it get flipped? And why does it keep me up some nights, listening to him breathe... and he awake some mornings, watching me sleep? What a sorry pair we make! LOL

Nefer,

That is AWESOME,

LIBRA who is inclined to be LOVER was put into position of LOVED not by CHOICE, (that's the key), but by a Pisces who desired to be LOVER because (for years CHOOSED to be LOVED holding onto the false COMFORT) realized she wanted ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE (or should I say, to not miss out on a chance at LOVE).

What I see is AWESOME is PISCES letting go of the COMFORT and actively CHOOSING LOVE and ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, that is a LOVE that is ALIVE and nurtured by both PISCES (NEFER) and LIBRA her LOVER.

Hence, Take a Chance on LOVE. It's better to LOVE and Lost than to never have loved at all...
My own experience is, LOVE is worth the price of admission. Someone suffering from the pain of a heart break will beg to differ. But let me ask you this.
Would you rather have never known a loved one who has passed? Or be grateful for the time you spent with them. For me it is clear, that I am grateful for the time I spent with them. (Maybe that's why I cry at the end of a movie when 2 Lovers get back together against all odds. It doesn't matter if it's a child being reunited with it's parent, or two partners lives forming one.)



Thank you
Nefer

Would you risk being the LOVER knowing full well you were going to get hurt? That the other person would eventually stray...no time limit here so you could have years or weeks or even months?

what a great thread. You worded this perfectly LT. I'm still trying to digest all that's been discussed.

I'm a gemini and i noticed another gemini on here said kind of what i would say, and i think for most geminis we are naturally lovers due to our freedom issues we have. I have ALWAYS been the "lover". I can't stand someone else to be in control, or for me to be obligated to anything.

Its interesting because i'm with my Taurus and one of the 'side effects' of him, and of him and i together, is i think we both are lovers and loved. I didn't realize or take notice until I read your break down. But i know that's what's happening here. we battled for the 'lover' role in all out reality. And i think because neither one of us would give up, we both ended up being loved. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you guys, but it makes a boat load of sense to me, and i'm very thankful for your post. 🙂

Posted by Nefer


As a Pisces, I'm almost predestined to be the Lover... and in my youth, I was. Fruitlessly, in vain, painfully. I loved and loved, and they took and took until I was drained and empty. I built a shell.. walls & layers for protection. I hid my sensitive nature & my deepest emotions under a carefully constructed outer shell of nonchalance, of independence, of go-then-I-don't-need-you-anyway. It was a fragile strength at best, which often crumbled helplessly when I was alone where no one could see. But I became The Loved, always. I would not say I LOVE YOU first, never first. Always TOO. (The first time, anyway - within a relationship, I could initiate love & say it first sometimes, but it always made me feel desperately vulnerable & scared. But I always wanted to be The Lover again; it's my very nature. But somehow I could not. I don't mean to say that I did not love - I did, I do. But I was always in control, and never let them see too far underneath, where my dark secret was buried. I've existed like this for years; it only became worse when my husband died - never a bigger Lover than he has lived, never a more Loved than I was by him. And in my fumbling relationships and attempts since then... things never worked out - and someone new would ask why, saying that I was so wonderful and amazing in so many ways, how could anyone ever cheat on me or leave me? Well, they can. When they are the Lover too long, and their Loved cannot openly reciprocate. I told everyone who ever asked the truth - they left because they could not get close to me, I could not/would not let them in. They didn't believe me - I'm so open, so honest, like an open book. But they too learned... I am an ocean.. and you can see the surface for miles around. Just below the surface sometimes too.. but past that, it gets too deep.

This I think sums up why alot of us that have been in relationships that have failed go from being the LOVER to the LOVED...

I know I'm still stuck in the being too scared stage to take any risks and have succeeded in pushing people away. But I wonder that should the person be "the one" closest to my perfect one, that my mindset will change...and i may want to risk and take on the role as the LOVER once again or will i freeze up and wait for him to take that role so that I will feel secure and always be the LOVED?

Personally I have read this, and reflected on this - and this was never how I'd view my relationships.

I very strongly think that the "lover" and "loved" have intrinsic themes of Neptune. . .

Like

Sacrifice and benefit.

Being the "Lover" solely would eat away at your soul, unless YOU fill yourself with your own love.
Being the "Loved" would kill you because then you'd feel useless - always taking and not giving.

I do see themes of this in my relationships

I heard on the radio that Love is not "give and take"
But its both giving and not expecting anything in return. SO, when they RECEIVE the love, it is a bonus, and they don't feel obligated in ANY way to return it. . .

Personally, for me, I could never be one or the other - a natural balance of the two is needed

And I DO avoid those who want to enter just being loved - that is truly truly unfair to the one loving, or the 'lover'. You are using them to fulfill the void caused by your failed relationships. . . its not true love and never will be.

I love being the lover. I love giving and making the one I love feel special because I know they are. In every relationship I would throw in everything, because I believe if I don't devote myself fully I would fail to show them how beautiful they are to me, but of course I love to be loved too 🙂

Posted by spica
Being the "Lover" solely would eat away at your soul, unless YOU fill yourself with your own love.
Being the "Loved" would kill you because then you'd feel useless - always taking and not giving.

I do see themes of this in my relationships

I heard on the radio that Love is not "give and take"
But its both giving and not expecting anything in return. SO, when they RECEIVE the love, it is a bonus, and they don't feel obligated in ANY way to return it. . .

Personally, for me, I could never be one or the other - a natural balance of the two is needed

And I DO avoid those who want to enter just being loved - that is truly truly unfair to the one loving, or the 'lover'. You are using them to fulfill the void caused by your failed relationships. . . its not true love and never will be.

This is good spica. I have spoke with a libra friend about this issue of giving and not receiving in a relationship. Me and him are good friends and had just enter new relationships with our partners 2 years ago where we both felt we were the lovers and not getting enough love from our partners. The question that came up is why we were calculating the give and take of the relationship because isn't love suppose to be unconditional if you really love the other half?

And we both concluded that we had to fill ourselves with other things and our own love to keep us from keeping tabs on how much is given and taken because if we were to count, the scales would always be on one side never balancing, and if we focus on counting, we start to feel negativity towards our partners for not giving enough and we shut down.

In conclusion, like the radio has said is to give but expect nothing in return.

Being the lover is easier said than done...you want to but the past hurts always rear their ugly heads and most peoples goals are to protect their hearts!

It always seems like when you choose/feel and want to be the lover you've chosen the wrong person to open up to and get crushed, putting you back into the shell of protection and becoming the loved once again...

It's so easy to think you can change and become the lover but in reality you are the loved because of past hurts. As a mother protects a child so does someone that has been deeply hurt before protect their hearts!! Then when they think they can open themselves up again to someone special it happens again... Sometimes the result is a vicious circle!!!

BUMP

Posted by LibraTopcat

i>But while I have eyes for you only I usually won't confess until I know you feel comfortable with that... (does that make for a mixed form between Lover and Loved? i>

Yes, Yes this thread is alive... I so want to just watch it grow and let it grow I will


Big SMILES

Sad part is...I am not comfortable with that. I know that my emotions are either ice cold or run deeper than an ocean and the other party is in a whirlwind either way..I am pretty much ALL or Nothing!

What an amazing thread about libra perception! This needs to be revived.

I would like to see more conversation on this topic as well.

I can easily say that in my past experiences I have been the lover and want very much to be the loved. I have never really thought about it like this thread describes but have has some similar thoughts. I have often thought about the give and take in relationships and if reaching a real balance was possible. I guess in the words of this thread, can both people be lovers?