My husband cheated on me..

I am sobbing and crying every day, I am on the verge of insanity. Please give me advice how to deal with this.
We have been married for 25 years, one of my husbands worker was too innocent and different, I had obvious signs of her closing in with him , but was in denial. One day I fell asleep and after a few minutes woke up with a dream that my husband is having sex with her. I grabbed my keys, and rushe towards his work and caught him. She was wearing exacly what I saw in my dream, I dint scream and shout. I dealt with it as gracefully As I can, but this is taking a toll on me. I haven't done any thing wrong, and why am I going through this. He the one that made a mistake, and still has every thing. I can't break my home for this, but it's hard to stay as well...
I want to make the same mistake mY be that will give me peace..

😢

Can you leave? That's what I would do, for now.

Give yourself a chance to consider your options.

I've been there. It sucks. Just remember you are not at fault. Hold your head high and maintain your dignity. No matter how bad you want to slander him, keep your integrity. Walk away and get everything you can.

PM me if you want.

Posted by theDomino
Staying will only enforce acceptance in the children. The children will see this as acceptable and see future father figures as the same. This is not acceptable, nor appropriate. It is extremely dangerous to stay and not have him take responsibility for his actions. She should not blame herself.

Agree.

I think it's absurd to attempt to convince this woman that it isn't her fault ... because the reality is, you don't know if she has fault in it or not. She could very well have fault in this, and only came here to get validation.

idk, but, I do know that to tell someone it isn't their fault, when you have no clue is ridiculous, and only proves that you have entitlement issues in which you're projecting onto her.

She's not the one that broke the vow, now is she?

There is time in the future for looking back and analyzing to see what lessons can be learned, but now is the time for strength and support and encouragement. Now is the time for decisions and considering options.

Stay strong OP!

Posted by Virgo21

one of my husbands worker was too innocent and different, I had obvious signs of her closing in with him , but was in denial.

.......and caught him.

I haven't done any thing wrong, and why am I going through this. He the one that made a mistake

you caught him what? You had an idea in your head, from a dream and rushed to him with an expectation ... and then you tell us that you caught him. What is it you caught him doing?

what really stands out to me is that the first quoted sentence above implies that you blame the other woman for moving in on him. You seem to misplace blame here. You even implied that you must have been watching HER because you're in denial of what you were observing her to be doing.

So, that means, you aren't really blaming him.

you need to address the reality here


You haven't really said what he did, exactly .... of course you've done things wrong. It's ludicrious to say you haven't. A relationship of 25 years doesn't fall apart in one moment. For things to progress to the point that you have suspicions enough to be watching (stalking?) another woman ... means that this has been an on-going situation, and I'll never be gullible and naïve to believe that you have no guilt in the demise of a relationship that you've been participating in.


If you want real help, while handing us propaganda ... then there's no way you should be taken seriously.

P, I know how devastating it is. I don't think harsh words are helpful at the moment. It's fresh and it's raw to realize the person you trust most in this life will do that to you. Regardless of how many problems a couple has, it is still devastating. So lay off with the criticism.

If you've ever been in this situation, then offer something useful.

Op, direct your anger at him, not the other woman. It is useless to blame her when he's the one that broke the vow.

Posted by DonJohnson
anyone that tells you to leave him is giving you bad advice either on purpose or they are just braindead morons.



25 years together.

with kids.



you are no longer just obligated to yourself. i wish women would understand this before leaving the man.


work on it and get to the root. see if he's actually contemplating leaving the marriage or it was only a physical fling. cheating happens every day....... massage parlors, bordellos and hookers don't pay for themselves. vast majority of men cheat. this does not mean vast majority of marriages have to end.


cheating for most men is only a physical and psychological release. it is not even detrimental in most cases.

Stfu.

Kids need stability with happy parents. Not unhappy parents who have problems.

According to Don, we should just look the other way.
Moronic.

Posted by Virgo21

I can't break my home for this, but it's hard to stay as well...

I want to make the same mistake mY be that will give me peace..

Let me point out for the viewers in the audience who are too gullible and naïve to be able to realize ..... the above is implying that she doesn't want to leave this man, rather, she wants you realize how special she is for enduring it instead.

she even insinuates that her only salvation is to also cheat .... she calls "peace".

She wants you to go "woe" for her .... poor her, look what she has to endure. because truth be told, nothing that she has said represents her desire to be apart from this man.

She's not asking you how to leave him. She's not asking you if she should leave him. She's telling you that she wants to stay and wants you to support that.

Posted by DonJohnson

cheating for most men is only a physical and psychological release. it is not even detrimental in most cases.

Women are too emotionally attached to using their puss to manipulate men .... to actually get this concept.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by DonJohnson

cheating for most men is only a physical and psychological release. it is not even detrimental in most cases.

Women are too emotionally attached to using their puss to manipulate men .... to actually get this concept.

click to expand

In a marriage you promise not to forsake of another.

Posted by truecap
According to Don, we should just look the other way.
Moronic.

He didn't say that at all.


I find it hilarious that when people don't like another person, they don't mind making a fool out of themselves.

Fotake

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by truecap
According to Don, we should just look the other way.
Moronic.

He didn't say that at all.


I find it hilarious that when people don't like another person, they don't mind making a fool out of themselves.

click to expand

I like Don. But he said a moronic thing, in my opinion.

Posted by truecap

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by DonJohnson

cheating for most men is only a physical and psychological release. it is not even detrimental in most cases.

Women are too emotionally attached to using their puss to manipulate men .... to actually get this concept.

In a marriage you promise not to forsake of another.

click to expand

Nobody in here said, nor implied that it should be forsaken.

You are being defensive, based on taking words out of context due to you having your panties wadded up your ass because you heard a word.

the word being "cheat" ... and you just ran with it, as if it was you being cheated on.


smfh

So, I've been in her situation. It hits a nerve.

i knew a virgo woman whose husband came home one day and told her he fell in love with another. he felt guilty so he left her with the house, $ and the kids. he asked her forgiveness and moved in with his new love. she was shocked and went into a depression. not long after, she asked the husband and his new love to take the boys because her mental state was not stable enough to take care of the kids. they took the kids and freed her. she started to travel the world. went back to school for an advanced degree. met a decent guy and married again (to another virgo and they are happy). her kids are now in college and they love their worldly mother who take them on trips and show them the world that their dad could only dream of.

I cheated on my gf. Never will forgive myself - it's a horrible thing to take someone through.

But Virgo21, I'm confused because didn't you have post two weeks ago about your husband cheating on you and that you have fallen in love with a libra or was that a different poster? I'm not trying to blame, but I remember this because it struck me very odd that you would post about a cheating husband and falling in love with another man in the same post. So maybe there's more to this than meet the eye. Perhaps I read the title of this post wrong, but it reads like you just found out, when in reality you've known for atleast two weeks now. Can you clarify so I can understand the situation and sequence of events better?

Posted by truecap

P, I know how devastating it is.

.

What is this "it" you are talking about?

thus far, the OP hasn't told us what she caught him doing. She only said that she had a dream about him having sex, and then she caught him doing some unidentified thing at work.

Nobody here has even remotely suggested that cheating isn't a horrible thing to do .... but, I am saying to you that your answers are based on how you felt about a life experience you had, when that isn't the topic.

Thus far, we don't know what has happened. But, in your head, you have this whole cheating scenario going on, and that's what you are responding to.

A person can have sex anywhere ....



I'm still waiting to hear as to why she was watching another woman, as if this other woman is doing an underhanded deed.

To be in denial suggests that this is an ongoing situation ..... so, my question to is: you really never saw this coming, eventhough you were watching for it?


really?


I have a bridge for sale in Brooklyn

I am not blaming her, I said she was closing in on him, cuz I saw that he must be careful about it, but she wasn't, and then I said I was in denial.
I think only a person who goes through this will understand, but no body else.

It seems like youve been having a rough time since June. When did you catch your husband with the other woman? Have you and him communicated at all since then? Does he know that you know? With a marriage of 25 years, children are most likely grown or in their late teens. You clearly arent happy with your current situation and havent been for awhile. Im guessing things have been bad since before you first came to make your first post.

You need to breathe and do some soul searching. Ultimately, everyindividual desrves to be happy, but revenge cheating wont solve the problem. Both staying and leaving will have consequences, but you should do what you feel is best for your own psyche. Not just what you WANT, but what you know deep down is best for you. That is something only you know. Perhaps you should seek some counseling for help as well, no shame in that.

Theres no sense in pushing blames and faults around anymore. You are under NO obligation to stay and NO obligation to go. And ifsomething in your life is toxic, then get away from it immediately.

Posted by Binota
Also this:

Posted by Virgo21
Hi fast I have asked you too many questions, wanted to tell you about my situation... I am with a cancer, and in a comfortable relationship with him, but recently have fallen I. Love with a libra, it is unspoken on both sides, I know he loves me too.
This cancer guy has been good but I found out that he has cheated on me .. We are going through the typical I am sorry, and love you phase. I am confused and mentally very disturbed, I have always worked towards making the relationship better, and this happened to me.
My libra crush is someone I respect and love in my heart, and I know so does he....
Do you see me adjusting, I know libra is more sincere with me, but I don't want to spoil what I have with him, which is on a deep heart and soul level.... Or should I give it a chance ...

click to expand

Ok...this is the one I remembered. But I still don't know the sequence of events. Did she only really start pursuing libra only after cancer cheated, or has libra been in the picture all along? Is libra an ex, a friend, only turned romantic after cancer cheated? Cause her posts looking into libra's love go back 2 or 3 months, but if it was only a crush and she never did anything with libra that's one thing. Did cancer cheat because he picked up on the vibes between them?
It sounds in the post above, that she had been faithful and gave 100% into the marriage and only turned her attention to libra once cancer cheated. But then again, it makes me wonder in this post, is this libra the person she has in mind when she says she wants to cheat too for peace.

Virgo21, if this is just a crush you have a libra and you have been faithful to cancer, please don't lower your standards by doing what he did? If you have been more and more crossing the line such that cancer saw it, own what part you played in it and go from there.

When I cheated, I had to own ALL of it. In my case, my gf did NOTHING to deserve my cheating. It was weakness on my part. If you have been faithful, don't take blame for his actions. But if you know that you have blurred the lines, take your part in the marriage falling apart and see which direction you wish to go from there.

Posted by Virgo21
I am sobbing and crying every day, I am on the verge of insanity. Please give me advice how to deal with this.
We have been married for 25 years, one of my husbands worker was too innocent and different, I had obvious signs of her closing in with him , but was in denial. One day I fell asleep and after a few minutes woke up with a dream that my husband is having sex with her. I grabbed my keys, and rushe towards his work and caught him. She was wearing exacly what I saw in my dream, I dint scream and shout. I dealt with it as gracefully As I can, but this is taking a toll on me. I haven't done any thing wrong, and why am I going through this. He the one that made a mistake, and still has every thing. I can't break my home for this, but it's hard to stay as well...
I want to make the same mistake mY be that will give me peace..

no she saw it as EXACTLY as in her dream. she caught them.

she had a strong premonition and vision.

Posted by truecap
P, I know how devastating it is. I don't think harsh words are helpful at the moment. It's fresh and it's raw to realize the person you trust most in this life will do that to you. Regardless of how many problems a couple has, it is still devastating. So lay off with the criticism.

If you've ever been in this situation, then offer something useful.

+1

Posted by capricornmoon
Ok.
Let's go by this. She's infatuated with a libra but acts very heartbroken over her cancer cheating.,which was a few weeks ago but puts up a thread today acting as if she caught him with his pants down today or very recently., she's being deceptive and you can not trust anything she says.

Well, no we can't say that because she says ONE DAY SHE FELL ASLEEP...and also she says she's been CRYING EVERY DAY... So it could have happened weeks ago. Perhaps her timing of the post is off, but I don't think that means anything. I find it strange that she was asking about libra's love months before even mentioning (as far as I can see) about husband's cheating. This is why I asked about the sequence of events. Seems odd to ask ab out a libra's love before posting about husband cheating...Unless ofcourse she has and deleted it, Idk. But the more I read through her posts, she seem more concerned libra's love 2-3 months ago than about cancer cheating. But maybe emotions just caught up with her about it all. Damn confusing.

I guess I would like to know she's being honest with herself about the marriage and her role in it failing, if indeed she had any role in it. At this point, I'm not so convinced she did nor am I convinced she didn't.

My point is asking these questions is so she can get sound advice. We can't do that if she's painting the picture a certain way to ease her conscious.

From what Ive seen, nobody who comes here asking for relationship advice is coming in with a clear head. And personal backstories are hard to explain for OPs and hard to grasp in the big picture for readers. Logic and emotions do not mix well together. Despite what she has or hasnt reveal, OP's feeling are real, at least for her.

Even if she is purposefully leaving out large important chunks of info, playing jabbity jab with her will only result in her feeling more isolated and will go more on the defensive. That helps no one.

Posted by theDomino

Ok...this is the one I remembered. But I still don't know the sequence of events. Did she only really start pursuing libra only after cancer cheated, or has libra been in the picture all along? Is libra an ex, a friend, only turned romantic after cancer cheated? Cause her posts looking into libra's love go back 2 or 3 months, but if it was only a crush and she never did anything with libra that's one thing. Did cancer cheat because he picked up on the vibes between them?
It sounds in the post above, that she had been faithful and gave 100% into the marriage and only turned her attention to libra once cancer cheated. But then again, it makes me wonder in this post, is this libra the person she has in mind when she says she wants to cheat too for peace.

Virgo21, if this is just a crush you have a libra and you have been faithful to cancer, please don't lower your standards by doing what he did? If you have been more and more crossing the line such that cancer saw it, own what part you played in it and go from there.

When I cheated, I had to own ALL of it. In my case, my gf did NOTHING to deserve my cheating. It was weakness on my part. If you have been faithful, don't take blame for his actions. But if you know that you have blurred the lines, take your part in the marriage falling apart and see which direction you wish to go from there.

Oh, so you're doing the "but they started it" game? How the fuck does that work?

"Sir, the relationship was tough; they were having issues. One started to have an emotional affair. But then the other took a gun and shot the other. It is not fair to put the blame on the killer, because all-in-all, the partner instigated the situation because they started it."

click to expand

I'm not following you, but who started it was not my point. We're only getting her side, and partial information I feel from her at that. But when you're posting about another love before you even mention a cheating husband, that says something. What it says exactly, idk, but it's not insignificant.

Posted by buyonegetone
From what Ive seen, nobody who comes here asking for relationship advice is coming in with a clear head. And personal backstories are hard to explain for OPs and hard to grasp in the big picture for readers. Logic and emotions do not mix well together. Despite what she has or hasnt reveal, OP's feeling are real, at least for her.

Even if she is purposefully leaving out large important chunks of info, playing jabbity jab with her will only result in her feeling more isolated and will go more on the defensive. That helps no one.

I'm sure her feelings are real. But to placate them if they are not rooted in reality won't help the situation either. When I sought advice in how to get my gf back, I was initially adamant that I didn't cheat on her. In reality, I did indeed cheat. I'm not saying the OP cheated. That is not the point. The point is, if people gave advice base the initial picture I tried to paint, then it would have been the wrong advice for the real-life situation. Let' me tell you, people were flat out mean and cruel about it to me, but it was exactly what I needed to start dealing with the situation and accepting the fact the maybe she had moved on and getting me to take the appropriate steps to *make things right* (if that's even possible when someone is cheated on).

@Crabby, I think your questions are reasonable. Getting a clearer picture will be best for her. I was speaking more to the folks who are outright bashing OP and saying she shouldnt be trusted/it's her fault etc

Posted by buyonegetone
@Crabby, I think your questions are reasonable. Getting a clearer picture will be best for her. I was speaking more to the folks who are outright bashing OP and saying she shouldnt be trusted/it's her fault etc

gotcha 😉

The libra is just a rush, and you don't know my situation. I'm from England, moved in USA 25 years ago when I got married. All I know is my husband, I dint know how many times he much have cheated, but I have been a devoted mum, daughter in law and a wife, but always felt detached and lonely..just a caregiver
Libra guy is 10 years older than me he is just a crush. I don't even speak to him. Just wave occasionally, but Been fascinated by him.
IDisk not deserve this I know I didn't,I left my family and gave 100% to my marriage,

Posted by Virgo21
The libra is just a rush, and you don't know my situation. I'm from England, moved in USA 25 years ago when I got married. All I know is my husband, I dint know how many times he much have cheated, but I have been a devoted mum, daughter in law and a wife, but always felt detached and lonely..just a caregiver
Libra guy is 10 years older than me he is just a crush. I don't even speak to him. Just wave occasionally, but Been fascinated by him.
IDisk not deserve this I know I didn't,I left my family and gave 100% to my marriage,

How old are you now? After 25 years of being the caregiver, knowing your husband is having an extramarital affair makes it feel like you don't matter, that it was all in vain, right? So Libra was your eye candy fantasy that you let run wild in your head.

Maybe it's time to take a break. Go teach English in South America for a year. Or something similar. Youd be having a positive influence on the world's youth, exploring a new culture, making new friends and maybe even a new lover. I bet you 100% that you'll figure out what you want out of life while youre doing something like that.

Posted by capricornmoon
So the real issue is that you're in an unfulfilling, unpassionate mediocre but "comfortable" relationship, not his cheating.

Yeap. We're born alone and we die alone. In between is the illusion of belonging. After 25 years, it's not about love or commitment or loyalty. It's pure ego. Owning eachother. The illusion of what it should be about. And when it's clearly not, we make it about the children or whatever else we got laying around.

Emotionally it should be more devestating in the first stages of a relationship when it's about true drive and passion, while now it's just one party breaking a business contract: Loyalty for the sake of loyalty, sign here ________________.

If it makes you feel any better he's been cheated on these idea(l)s just as you have. Difference is he was less passive about it.

Posted by enfant_terrible

Posted by capricornmoon
So the real issue is that you're in an unfulfilling, unpassionate mediocre but "comfortable" relationship, not his cheating.

Yeap. We're born alone and we die alone. In between is the illusion of belonging. After 25 years, it's not about love or commitment or loyalty. It's pure ego. Owning eachother. The illusion of what it should be about. And when it's clearly not, we make it about the children or whatever else we got laying around.

Emotionally it should be more devestating in the first stages of a relationship when it's about true drive and passion, while now it's just one party breaking a business contract: Loyalty for the sake of loyalty, sign here ________________.

click to expand

i know several old couples who really love each other till death do they apart. just because you have never seen it does not mean it's an illusion. yes, it is about love and commitment and loyalty and NO it's not about ego. i have been with mine for 9 years and i love him more each day. and i'm not religious and do not believe in karma bs so i can careless what rules i should follow but my own.

i was talking in a generic sense just like enfant "We're born alone and we die alone. In between is the illusion of belonging. After 25 years, it's not about love…"

sick of all these depressing ppl on dxp who know nothing about love

i'm either an empath or crazy so i know how my hubby feels better than he does lol

Posted by iCloud9

Posted by enfant_terrible

Posted by capricornmoon
So the real issue is that you're in an unfulfilling, unpassionate mediocre but "comfortable" relationship, not his cheating.

Yeap. We're born alone and we die alone. In between is the illusion of belonging. After 25 years, it's not about love or commitment or loyalty. It's pure ego. Owning eachother. The illusion of what it should be about. And when it's clearly not, we make it about the children or whatever else we got laying around.

Emotionally it should be more devestating in the first stages of a relationship when it's about true drive and passion, while now it's just one party breaking a business contract: Loyalty for the sake of loyalty, sign here ________________.

i know several old couples who really love each other till death do they apart. just because you have never seen it does not mean it's an illusion. yes, it is about love and commitment and loyalty and NO it's not about ego. i have been with mine for 9 years and i love him more each day. and i'm not religious and do not believe in karma bs so i can careless what rules i should follow but my own.

click to expand

i'm reminded of a comedy stint, i showed my husband he and i lol'ed over it so hard....

middle aged couple sitting at the dinner table....


they look bored, eating routinely, and the woman looks up at her husband, "Next week is our 25th anniversary what shall we do??"

He looked at her, bored, "How about a 10 minute silence salute??"


😆 😆 omg.

(btw it's about bowing your head in silence during a burial.)

if you can laugh and feel happiness after 25, 50 years of marriage, it's a good one. 🙂

well....

Posted by iCloud9
i was talking in a generic sense just like enfant "We're born alone and we die alone. In between is the illusion of belonging. After 25 years, it's not about love…"

sick of all these depressing ppl on dxp who know nothing about love

We're all gonna die. Does acknowledging that make me depressing too?


"i know several old couples who really love each other till death do they apart"

I've seen those too. My main problem is that people like you assume that that's a natural and constant state between two people, when in fact it's a freak occurance and matching priorities. In many cases it's not necesserily happiness, it's just two people who are hellbent on keeping their end of the deal. And it most certainly is ego; once the passion has settled, it's either friendship or ego. Or in many cases, both.

In the old days ( "...when things were broken we fixed them, we didn't throw them away") it was about convenience, tradition, conformity and ultimately (and hopefully) a realistic romance turned life-long friendsip. These days it's about romantic ideals that don't even work out in romance novels ffs.


"But.. but.. he should break up with her before seeing someone else"

In a perfect world, yes. Does it make a difference, really? You break up with me and fuck someone next week, it's all the same. Might aswell cheated, the outcome is the same: You don't really want to be with me & you will fuck someone else at some point (if you haven't already). In his mind they were broken up months if not years ago. In her mind, it was love and not content on her behalf. At this point, it's just looking for crumbles to feed your bitterness over things not working out to your ego's satisfaction.

The most happy couples imo (in terms of ego and ownership, as in the abscence of such) are those who find eachother in their early 40's.

Posted by iCloud9
i'm either an empath or crazy so i know how my hubby feels better than he does lol

No you really don't.

lmao @ finding true love in their 40s and having no ego.

if you believe that bs, go right on ahead. 😆

omg. so many middle aged men have HUGE EGOS.

gimme a break.

Posted by lisabethur8
lmao @ finding true love in their 40s and having no ego.

if you believe that bs, go right on ahead. 😆

omg. so many middle aged men have HUGE EGOS.

gimme a break.

So men are the problem?

Posted by capricornmoon
Why are you so Intelligent Enfant

As a woman, I'm not gonna lie, I want that illusion BUT with my soulmate, let it be worth it., I ain't losing my mind over some guy I just kinda love and married for the hell of it. Bump it, I want passion.

Been swarmed by Cap moons lately. Made me realize how much I share in common with you guise.
... and why I should stay away, or best case scenario settle for a platonic Sartre~Beauvoir romance 😛

Posted by capricornmoon
The truest kind of love is about respect, free of ownership, malice, deception, jealousy, etc...which begs the question is this kind of love attainable.

Only in the form of friendship. Essentially romantic relationships are like shoes.