Secrets

We all have them, should you tell a prospective partner everything warts and all?

Is there anything you should hold back? I'm not talking about going on Jerry Springer but if someone is talking future would you want everything up front and not nasty little surprises along the way?

That's a tough question, and probably something people struggle with often ..... if the secret is a nasty one, then to tell it could mean the end of the relationship if the person isn't accepting. The other side is .. if they aren't accepting, then it was never meant to be in the first place.

I think these things should be let out slowly, as they deem appropriate ... if it takes years to get out, then the partner should be understanding of how sensitive this is to you.

That's a tough question, and probably something people struggle with often ..... if the secret is a nasty one, then to tell it could mean the end of the relationship if the person isn't accepting. The other side is .. if they aren't accepting, then it was never meant to be in the first place.

I agree with you here P, I would want to know everything upfront so i can make an informed decision. I understand the other side of your argument but isnt that realising that maybe this could effect whether the relationship continues or not so rather it's an excuse not to come clean.

Bella, I myself lived with my exs secret and mistakenly found out some 12 years later...I couldn't forgive and eventually it added to me leaving. But it was a secret that directly effected me.

Its only a secret if you keep it to yourself forever. If you tell someone it becomes a "surprise".

I thought you two were on the same path as well...

@ Klover

Secrets have a way of rearing their heads from time to time and when they do...SURPRISE!!!! Oh did I forget to mention that or did I purposely keep that from you from fear...!?!?!?

Well be careful Tash because that's not a very safe secret...Dont you know that GUYS talk!!! Been in that position years ago and they definitely talk!!!

nothing wrong with that Bella...simplicity is the way to go🙂

Posted by WinterBorn
Only if they ask, and tell them the truth.

Basically! When I am with someone, I don't tell them stuff (typically) about who I've dated, etc, with some exceptions. As general policy, "don't ask, won't tell." Obviously, if it was something that could harm them (life threatening disease, (yuck) I would hate it, but I would have to tell --knock on wood don't have that issue). Anything else, I think as time time goes on, certain things would be revealed in the natural progression of things. In my experience, many women tell TOO much (full disclosure) too early on, and that makes guys (sometimes) feel uncomfortable. I've had guys tell me some of the things women have told them on first dates and even a month into dating and I'm like "Wow!" The guys are like, "Yeah, I didn't EVER need to know that." Obviously it depends on the people.
I've had a situation where someone I was dating asked me a question point blank --- I had 12 seconds to think if I should tell the truth or not. I did tell him the truth, and his response was, "I already knew the answer, I wanted to see what type of person you were, and if you would lie to me, because I wouldn't have asked the question, if I didn't already know the answer. You passed"(he said rather smugly) He was a Leo. It wasn't something I was necessarily ashamed of, etc, but it wasn't anything that anybody needed to know either.

As a rule USC, I wouldn't talk about previous bf's or sexual experiences unless something specific was asked & generally dont want to know about their exs either cos that's in the past. But yeah I know some girls do go there off the bat.

I actually meant not just dating but when you and someone are talking about a "Future" together. All games aside.

I gotcha' sweethearts. I would hope that by that point, if it was something that needed to be addressed, it would have been by that point. I am a firm believer that people do need to discuss serious topics BEFORE they get married/move in together, whatevah'. It never ceases to amaze me when one of my friends is like, "Yeah, me and X got married. I didn't know until then, he didn't want kids/can't have kids/has 5 kids, etc." I think there are some things that NEED to be discussed. I have a friend whose taxes got taken because her new husband didn't finish paying child support, so guess what, for 3 years they took their taxes until the almost 15k was paid to his ex-wife. Umm, yeah, THAT definitely should have been discussed, and she was pissed - rightfully so.

Who in their right mind would agree to marry a person when they don't even know whether the other wants/can have kids?

Sweethearts .... partners don't necessarily need to know everything about you.

Besides, if you give them your all right up front ... then there is nothing left to unravel, nothing of interest to keep them stoked.

Discussing serious topics?

How has that been equated to secrets?

Use information against you?

lol .. funny shit ... I guess this would mean that you actually stayed with a person who did this, and only got mad.

I should think a person is intuitive enough to know long before a secret is divulged whether or not the other person can handle it properly ... so if you reveal the info anyway .... your problem for being stupid.

Posted by P-Angel
Who in their right mind would agree to marry a person when they don't even know whether the other wants/can have kids?

Sweethearts .... partners don't necessarily need to know everything about you.

Besides, if you give them your all right up front ... then there is nothing left to unravel, nothing of interest to keep them stoked.

Agreed, I can't believe how many times I've heard friends or even associates at work talk about someone who was married and one of the spouses didn't want to have kids or something just as important. My thought is, "And your a $ $ never thought to ask these questions BEFORE getting married."

In terms of my friend, it's the very secrets she shared that he used against his wife to bail out of the marriage AFTER they got married, because all was cool before THEY MARRIED. Almost immediately after the marriage, that's when he started to see her differently and then throw the things in her face she shared with him. How sharkish of him.

***Dont you think he had a right to do that? This is the same friend who "built the soul mate dynamic" and then her true colors eventually came to light. Damn straight he had every right and was within reason to throw that back at her and LEAVE because she was a fraud! It would be the same if I lied to my mate and told him I was a virgin but was in fact at one point a pole dancing prostitute. He would have every right to call me a lying whore and walk out the door. If you present yourself in a way thats not true, only to have it flashed in your face you get what you deserve. I dont condone passing judgement but you cant act like your shit dont stink and then when the vile smell starts to seep out get mad because someone takes notice. You cant be the victim and the martyr.

My secrets are my business. It stays that way.

Wow I'm in a bad mood! That's the way I feel about secrets at this moment though 😛

Of course it's going to be something she is embarrassed about SB but that's the question.... to tell or not to tell?

You're saying from what I can see is, hide it because if you tell or not I'll dump your arse anyway!!!

And hey what if the secret is yours— Do you tell or not?