The boyfriends female friends

My boyfriend's best girlfriend just moved from Ireland to Australia, and my boyfriend is putting her up in his one bedroom apartment.
They are taking turns at sleeping on the couch and in the bed. While he says they are not sleeping in the bed at the same time I'm really uncomfortable with the fact that their sharing the same bed. It's been 3 weeks now and l have only just told my boyfriend I'm unhappy about it, he doesn't see why it's a problem. I'm starting to see less and less of him as well, I've been really reasonable and trusting but for me it's beginning to drive a wedge in our relationship, I've explained that I feel this way but he just tells me I need to accept the situation. I've tried to iniciate a friendship with the girl but she doesn't really seem interested.

I'm feeling like I want to get out of my relationship because of it, am I being unreasonable?

I would be very uncomfortable with that situation....

I don't know if you are aware of this but he broke up with you, some men do this shit, they basically break up with you in your face in a non-verbal way and hope you get the hint and go away.

You better believe he's sleeping with her, the only way I could see him not sleeping with her is she has a huge smelly hump on her back and she looks like quasi motto.

If you really want to know then go ahead and go over there unannounced, stay the night YEP have your sleep over back all ready, while you're there have a look around and you'll most likely see her stuff in his closet--in his bathroom and an extra pillow on the bed just for her. Don't say anything just spend the weekend over there, OBSERVE, then before you leave have a nice talk to them BOTH sitting in the room together, ask them both what's going on, you'll get the answer but you probably won't like the outcome.

You are not being unreasonable, dig down deep, find your self respect and dump this clown, don't be his doormat, don't allow him to DUMP YOU FOR A FLING WITH HIS OTHER GIRL FRIEND then allow him to come back like it never happened, the only reason he's doing it is because he most likely isn't serious about you and thus he feels entitled to sleep around also it's his way of getting you to break up with him because he's too much of a coward to say to you it's over, even if you break up with him he figure once the fling is over he can just walk back into your life so he doesn't really feel threatened by losing you b/c he feel he'll get you back when it's convenient for him.

Wow that's one hell of a perspective, I've told him we need to talk that's the best I can do for myself at the moment. I've been distancing myself quite a bit maybe that was a huge mistake I should of let my presence be known.

Of course you should of made your presence known, the mere fact that he hasn't made any real attempts to make you comfortable in this situation says to me this is way more than just a friend coming to live in his home, this is a REAL RELATIONSHIP between the 2 of them and most likely you are the other woman.

You definitely should consider giving him a visit or better yet taking her out on a nice friendly one on one girl date, she'll be singing like a canary once she realizes how awesome you are, the guilt should really kick in after a fun night out with you lol....

Nothing to talk about really, he has a woman living in his home and his attention has shifted from you to her, that's a relationship not just some friend living in his place.

He hasn't verbally dumped you because he's attempting to have his cake--you and eat it too--her, if he dumps you then he ends up with NOTHING, no sex, no woman to fall back into, if this woman doesn't work out well he can say I never broke up with you--you dumped me, I was being nice and you went all psycho on me, he'll swear up and down it was all YOUR FAULT but the reality is, he broke up with you the moment he brought that woman into his home, he was just too cowardly to verbally say it, so he says nothing in hopes that if this woman flakes on him he'll have you as a back up plan, DON'T BE HIS FALLBACK GIRL, dump him and move on. You'll feel so much better and you won't have to deal with his BS anymore.

If you share social network sites together, delete him, block him and move on...This relationship is over.

Fun fact- It's "should have (should've)" and not "should of." Think about what you're writing because the latter makes no grammatical sense. It scares me how common this is becoming and people don't think twice about what it is that they're writing.

Second, it's utter bullshit that he can't respect you and downplays how you feel in all this. That's a big tell tale sign of what's really going on.

Tiki had a good idea- drop in unannounced. You should be able to since you ARE the girlfriend. If he has a problem with it, that's fine. Kick him to the curb.

Overall- what an asshole. He seriously thinks this is okay while in a relationship. It's sad that he has zero respect for you in this situation.

Talk to him, about everything that you are feeling. If he can't see the problem ask some of the difficult questions. Decide for yourself whether this guy is really respecting you the way he should. He's your bf, I don't know how long you have been together and how how serious it is but he should take into consideration your feelings.

Oh and for the record, guys can be friends with girls and vice versa. But see for yourself, sometimes one has a crush on the other...but has been told that friendship is where it stays. i have a few good male friends like that as I'm sure plenty of girls do!

Is he Irish too?

He has made some effort, he walked down to talk to me in the rain the other night, he spent time with me over the weekend, but I've been so angry with him that I'm not myself. I really don't think they are sleeping together, there is also another guy who shares the bedroom it's a huge loft.

I've told him over the weekend how uncomfortable it was making me I asked if they'd ever been together and he laughed it off saying that their relationship is more like brother and sister. I got a bit worked up about it yesterday and sent him a message saying I was unsure if I wanted to be in the relationship anymore and that I hoped he was enjoying his time with her, his response was please tell me that was a joke? I feel I'm running the risk of pushing him away as I'm starting to show that I'm jealous.

The lease in the house they're in now is almost over, and he said that I could live with them if I wanted, but I don't want to lose the house I'm in.

I never looked at it as him having no respect for me, that's a little daunting considering we've been together a year and a half..

Celticlioness, yes he is Irish as well... They are from the same town, which makes it a little hard for me to relate culturally sometimes..

Jealousy is one of the worst feelings and the hardest to control but you really need to get a grip on it, it could destroy your relationship and so quickly. If you feel that he is genuine then you'll need to contain those feelings and not strike out. He won't be thinking he has done anything wrong as he's tried reassuring you.

Posted by okayma
Celticlioness, yes he is Irish as well... They are from the same town, which makes it a little hard for me to relate culturally sometimes..

To be honest with you your story doesn't strike any alarms with me, its quite common and far from unusual and happens a lot with Irish people, we are emigrators and travellers naturally and its perfectly normal to head off out to a friend across the world (or even in Ireland) and spend weeks sleeping on their floors - we do this all of the time and its kindof expected that if you go travelling then your friends will put you up for a while, male/female doesn't matter and if would be offensive to refuse someone. I know in ireland there isn't a great divide between the sexes and you'll generally find groups of friends clotted together of mixed genders, sleeping in each others houses and bedrooms isn't a big deal and doesn't imply anything. BUT, if you are uncomfortable with it then he should acknowledge this and make changes.

Oh and btw, if they are from the same town and its a small town this will be even more amplified - i can imagine the places they have already spent conked out together, with the rest of the gang, in their village. Seriously, it means nothing here.

Thanks for the insight celticlioness =)

Just because he has a girl friend staying there doesn't mean they are sleeping together ..... whoever stated, as if it being fact, that he is definitely sleeping with her is an idiot and shouldn't be giving people advice.


If he is disrespectful to you, according to your standards, then it has nothing to do with his female friend, nor the current living arrangements ... and everything to do with your tolerance of feeling disrespected, but, doing nothing about it.

Fact: a person is going to treat you exactly as you allow them to treat you. If you feel like he has treated you wrong, then it's YOUR responsibility to correct that for yourself.


Wouldn't a simple solution would have been to have him come stay with you, at your place while he provided temporary living arrangements for a friend?

How you react/respond to him, or any boyfriend is going to measure in his mind, how you regard him and the way you allow yourself to be treated. Example would be: maybe he doesn't know if you really care about this, and a female friend of his came to stay there to see what your reaction would be.

Are you going to tolerate something you don't like?
Are you going to be suspicious, rather than trusting?
Are you going to talk to him about something that makes you uncomfortable?

It all boils down to being self accountible .... are you the director of your life?

It's your responsibility to commit yourself to a person you trust, and not the other persons responsibility to prove themselves to you when you doubt.


He wants you to trust him and believe that he is only helping a friend out ... sounds like you can't do that.


If you can't trust him, then what is the point in talking to him? What do you plan on accomplishing with that? Is a talk in place so that he can provide you with some kind of proof of something?


Either you trust him or you don't ... if you do, then act like it .. if you don't, then use some self accountibility and leave to go find someone you do trust.

"He has made some effort, he walked down to talk to me in the rain the other night, he spent time with me over the weekend,"

LOL@walked down in the rain...Uh how about you come up to his place and hang out. Why in the hell would he walk out in the rain when he could have (yep I said could have to the grammar police LOL) asked you to come up.

Don't be naive, he's sleeping with her if he's not inviting you over to his loft. Why would he avoid having you around if he's not sleeping with her? THINK

" I feel I'm running the risk of pushing him away as I'm starting to show that I'm jealous. "

Are you serious? Were the hell is your self esteem? He's gone, you're officially his side piece.

He's fucking her brains out, I can almost guarantee it, if you've been with him for a year and half and suddenly you are no longer a priority well hell do you need a neon sign.

Have you went over there unannounced early in the morning? Have you spent the weekend over his house with her there? Are you doing all the things you used to do before this woman showed up?

Your routine with him shouldn't have changed all that much even if there is another woman in his loft, if she's just a friend then of course she would be hanging out with the both of you a certain amount of time, but this whole thing reeks and stinks.

This isn't about suspicion and jealousy, you've handled yourself quite well, it's more about his laid back attitude and the way he diminishes--play down your concerns.

If it's not a relationship then why in the hell would he walk down in the rain to speak to you? Is this something he's done in the past before this woman showed up?

Men can have female friends but when he's spending more time with her, hiding you from her by not allowing you access to the loft, access you probably had before she came into the picture well that's a problem.

I'd be suspicious as hell..That is all...

How would you feel if it had been his best guyfriend who came over? Would you understand that he was paying you less attention in order to spend time with him?

OMG This has nothing to do with another man, this is about a man that claims this woman is just a friend, well she probably is just a friend (WITH BENEFITS) that has taken over her relationship. He ran outside in the rain to see her, how about he invite her into the loft like a real boyfriend, it's not that she's being psycho over this to the contrary she's being quite together about this situation, this would take a toll on any woman.

Yeah I HATE THIS ISSUE.

But I gotta say it alway DEPENDS on WHO THE PERSON IS.

Posted by tiki33
OMG This has nothing to do with another man, this is about a man that claims this woman is just a friend, well she probably is just a friend (WITH BENEFITS) that has taken over her relationship. He ran outside in the rain to see her, how about he invite her into the loft like a real boyfriend, it's not that she's being psycho over this to the contrary she's being quite together about this situation, this would take a toll on any woman.

Oh I know that Tiki, i'm just wondering is this about the fact that she (the friend) is a girl or would she be equally upset if it was a guy friend. I'd be mildly grumbling if he paid me a lot less attention just because his guy was over, I would expect that our normal routine would continue much the same and the guy would be included as much as possible but I'd still expect to see my guy almost as usual bar I would understand that he would want some alone time with his friend. I really don't think there is anything going on with them. And I'd like to hear more about the walking down in the rain, does that mean she called to his loft and he wouldn't let her up? so came down instead - well i'd murder him right there, right then - or does it mean he called down to her house to see her and by the by it was raining. I think the real issue here is trust - and also an understanding of him as an Irish man to be honest, we really do have a lot of different sex friends, its just a natural thing and to us it doesn't mean anything - nothing at all, i can't even explain it. There isn't one guy I have dated, been in a relationship with or been married to (🙂) that didn't have girl friends that he went out with or spent important time with and vice versa. I'm curious really to hear more of the story as I think there is more to it than this.

just to throw this into the mix seeing as we are on an astology site - what's his sunsign 🙂

Just looked up a few of your posts, you've been on again off again with this guy for the whole time it seems. Its not an easy relationship and if its this difficult so early on in the relationship then there is no way you can stand this current situation or even understand it and it will be a recurrent theme, he will have many more visitors (just wait till his sisters get there) - so if you can't handle it you're better off letting go - relationships shouldn't make you feel pain.

Celticlioness, it wouldn't matter if it was a guy, I've already been through that one, he had a mate that stayed and slept in the bed with him for weeks! It's like you say it must just be an Irish thing. And I had my issues with that as well and it's the same issue as I'm having here, where friends are in the space of your relationship in a matter that's a little too close for comfort and I'm drawing the line. The sister's have also already been here and never did any of that change the pattern of our relationship.

They have all had 3 weeks together to reacquaint themselves, they are all apart of a bigger friendship group that are all from the same part of Dublin, why did he walk down to my house to talk to me opposed to me going there? Because half of Dublin was probably sitting in his living room, the house is always full of people, there is no privacy.

It's not that I can't handle all the people and I think your 100 per cent correct about not understanding the Irish man, believe me I've tried and have been very understanding regarding the weekend long session and the rest. My issue with her is I hate the bed swapsies, the only woman my boyfriend should be smelling while he's sleeping in bed is me, the simple solution for her is sleep on the couch, she pays no rent and if she's so much of a princess to need to be in a bed, she should of come over with more money to find a place asap, do I really want to go over to his and sleep in a bed that all different people have been in and out of? No thanks. She needs to be aware that her friend left Ireland 3 years ago and has made new relationships with different people and she needs to embrace them instead of being like the majority of other Irish people that travel to Australia and don't mix, don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with sticking to what you know, but you have to consider was it really worth the visa and the airfare to travel to the other side of the world and sit in an Irish pub with the same people whinging about how bad life is back home? Same butter different city. Make something of it.

Like P-Angel said I need to be self accountable,I don't need proof from him, I need to have my point of view understood and if he can't do that and make a some allowances for me as I've made many for him, I don't want to lose a good thing, but I'm not scared of setting my limit and walking away if that can't be respected and honoured.

oh and he is a Sag born dec 20 and I'm a Pisces born feb 24.

How is any of this a good thing? Sounds like crap if he's putting you on the back burner so easily. What exactly would you be "losing?"

That's what I was getting at, whether male or female would you still be unhappy with the situation, as the answer is yes then this is what you should look at NOT that the issue is about a girl. Irish guys are pretty much like this well into their 30??s — they are Rent-a-Crowds naturally and it's all about the friends, if you can't tolerate it you??ll have to give it up as this will go on for years if not forever. There will be many more following him over. The big friendship group has been there since very early childhood and will continue??_. It's hard to handle unless you grew up with it and live it yourself, Irish people are about family but more about friends. Friends are family.

I was only joking about the sisters, they would more than likely be trying to bring him into line and get him settled down.
I wouldn't tolerate the bed swapsies, I??d understand the staying there but not the bed thing (male or female) — ugh, he should not expect you to put up with that. Also it's not that she hasn't got enough money, she has, you need to have a good few thousand to get into Oz, but they tend to keep it as their ticket money home or for emergencies and live off what they earn when they get a job — it's just the way the young Irish travellers do things especially as there is always a roof to live under for the first couple of months when away. When you say she needs to be aware that her friend left 3 years ago, this is what I'm trying to say, their relationship hasn't changed — they are still part of the group and always will be even if they don't see each other for years — this is what you have to understand and then decide if it's something you can put up with or not. This is about you more than him, this is the way he is and what he grew up with — if he's not prepared to see your point of view or talk it over with you then you should walk away. I wouldn't agree that he's a good thing, most Irish men aren't until they reach their late 30??s and can temper their ladish behaviour — and walking down to you in the rain? Nah, it rains constantly in Ireland, not a big thing to go walking in it. Irish men are good guys and lots of fun but you have to understand them and know how to handle them. If you want to talk to him about this don't issue ultimatums, he??ll shrug his shoulders and head off to the pub with his friends of which he will have plenty.

Him being a Sag on top of all this, it's quite likely this is him for life — it's only a step above being an Irish Aries man 🙂 You know your limits and you should stick to them.

I'm supposed to talk to him today, he says he wants to clear things up with me, but it's a public holiday here today, so I guess he went out last night, not holding high hopes for the outcome.

Thank you all so much for your advice, feel very level headed.

=)

Posted by QLIbraMale

if that was me and my homegirl needed to crash few weeks. I'd be a gentleman and give her the bed. i'd sleep on the couch like most men in trouble.

the problem here though (for most of the female readers) is that they've never encountered a gentlemen, so they have nothing to compare it to, and will automatically believe foul play.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving your guest the bed, while you take the couch, or floor.

Posted by TAURUSbelle

.... you should affirm your position and actualy come over unannounced to sleep over. Just because he came to see you in the rain, that doesn't mean anything. If you seen how the pattern of your relationship didn't change with his sisters compared to this "Friend" ..definitely do some sniffing around. You already feel your instincts kicking in, all you have to do is act!

I totally disagree with what this suggests, and I think a couple other people also suggested that you should mistrust him, and act upon your doubts to go over there with intentions of catching him do something you anticipate as being wrong.

Being sneaky in nature comes back to bite you in the ass, every time ..... because a person WILL assess any situation according to their beliefs. Him and her could be sitting at a meal together and doing absolutely nothing wrong and your mind could conjure up it being an intimate encounter .... because that is what you've programmed into your mind that you will find.


bullshit !!!

Be real !!!


If you don't trust him and have to sneak around to catch him do something then the only person you are hurting is yourself. If that's how you feel, then honor yourself and decide right here and now that ....


.... nevermind, you're a Pisces female with her head on her shoulders. I trust you know what to do.