Who is supposed to compromise?

Sometimes, when I express to my boyfriend how I feel he gets all offended or hurt and then it makes me feel bad sometimes.

Last night I was telling him how if a landlord wants to charge us extra rent for owning a dog imma call them out for trying to earn extra $ $ $ off us, because let’s face it, pet rent is a scam if we’re also paying a pet deposit 🤷‍♀️

So my boyfriend started telling me how the landlord won’t care and they’re just gonna look at me stupid because everyone knows issa scam. At this point I felt like he was tryna convince me not to dispute pet rent if it ever comes up, which makes me feel like he’s trying to control what I say. So I flat out told him I felt like he was tryna control what I say, and for the rest of the ride home (up until we climbed into bed together) he was quiet and closed off.

I didn’t mean to be offensive when I said it felt like he’s trying to control me; I was just stating how I felt. And there will be other incidences where he does take small comments super personal.

I’m just wondering: Am I supposed to stop expressing how I feel or does he need to learn not to take my minor complaints to heart? How do I teach him that most of what I say isn’t supposed to come off as a personal attack; it’s just me tryna voice my feelings?

Once we have time to cool off after a little blow out like that we’ll talk about it and he always says it just worries him when I express negative feelings.

How do I make it so it dun’t worry him?

Posted by Whorpio
Sometimes, when I express to my boyfriend how I feel he gets all offended or hurt and then it makes me feel bad sometimes.
Last night I was telling him how if a landlord wants to charge us extra rent for owning a dog imma call them out for trying to earn extra $ $ $ off us, because let’s face it, pet rent is a scam if we’re also paying a pet deposit 🤷‍♀️
So my boyfriend started telling me how the landlord won’t care and they’re just gonna look at me stupid because everyone knows issa scam. At this point I felt like he was tryna convince me not to dispute pet rent if it ever comes up, which makes me feel like he’s trying to control what I say. So I flat out told him I felt like he was tryna control what I say, and for the rest of the ride home (up until we climbed into bed together) he was quiet and closed off.
I didn’t mean to be offensive when I said it felt like he’s trying to control me; I was just stating how I felt. And there will be other incidences where he does take small comments super personal.

I’m just wondering: Am I supposed to stop expressing how I feel or does he need to learn not to take my minor complaints to heart? How do I teach him that most of what I say isn’t supposed to come off as a personal attack; it’s just me tryna voice my feelings?

From what you have wrote about your boyfriend, it seems your boyfriend is extremely non-confrontational. Your willingness for confrontation, addressing things at hand makes him uncomfortable.

What I personally wouldn't like about this is how he's gonna be non-confrontational with everybody but, confrontational with me?

If anybody, I am the one to be appeased, acquiesced to over everbody else because you gotta love with me.

Posted by ufo

Posted by Whorpio
Once we have time to cool off after a little blow out like that we’ll talk about it and he always says it just worries him when I express negative feelings.
How do I make it so it dun’t worry him?

what is he worried about? maybe probe him about his worries

click to expand

I do probe. The thing is, once he starts telling me I sort of zone out because I’m just celebrating the fact that we are nailing communication.

One time he said it worries him because he thinks imma break up with him at that point. But I can’t remember what that disagreement was about, so I’m not sure if the breakup concern was isolated for that spat or if breaking up is always the cause behind his worry.

Guys are fixers. When you tell them how you feel they always take it personally and try to find a solution for it.

You have to teach him that you don’t need him to do anything but listen to you and support you. That way he will be able to relax and see that it’s not personal, it’s just that women in general we need to express our feelings.

Posted by VenusAquarius
From what you have wrote about your boyfriend, it seems your boyfriend is extremely non-confrontational. Your willingness for confrontation, addressing things at hand makes him uncomfortable.

What I personally wouldn't like about this is how he's gonna be non-confrontational with everybody but, confrontational with me?

If anybody, I am the one to be appeased, acquiesced to over everbody else because you gotta love with me.

He’s more confrontational with people/matters he cares about. Idk if it’s an introvert thing or a southern thing 🤔🤔

Posted by ufo
is he younger or older than you? also have you given him concern that breaking up would be something you'd do therefore he worries about every disagreement you have? esp. since moving out is such a big step he probably seeks stability and when you get lost in your own world when he's directly communicating cuz you've asked for it, sort of appears that you don't care

He’s 2.5 years older.

And I don’t think I’ve given him cause for concern. I never threaten to dump him or anything.

Posted by RooSagicorn
How is what he said trying to control you? It was his opinion. Sometimes guys try to convince you of their opinion, but it doesn’t mean you have to do what they say.. What sign is he?

I’m not sure if his feelings were hurt because you didn’t agree with him or if you said he was trying to control you when he felt he wasn’t?

Gemini sun, cancer moon.

That’s a good question in regards to the last part. Not sure.

I read what he said as "There is no point to pursue this course of action because everyone knows it's a scam and it will only frustrate you" aka him actually being the opposite of inconsiderate since he wants you to not experience frustration.

I don't see him as either non confrontational or argumentative, he sounds rational to me and not the type to sweat the small things, big picture kind of person which is always a plus.

Posted by tiziani
Maybe he just doesn't want the headache. Like you know when you tell someone to leave it out and they just start talking even more about how they feel.

It gets annoying and eventually you both learn to pick your battles. Compromise over small things but big issues should be worked into a win-win situation for both imo. They are two different areas to me.

Answers from WOMEN only please because we already know how men feel 😒😒















Jk 😜

Ok well how do I pick my battles because I’m not one to bottle things up when I have a problem.

Posted by Squishy_Marshmallow
He might have felt you value money more than his doggo.

No compromise there.
Give me other situations I will tell you the whys.
Jk

It’s my dog! Even though he’d be paying the rent that extra $ 50/month could go towards movie dates or something way more productive.

Posted by Squishy_Marshmallow
How long have you been dating? Do you guys share expenditures?

6 months. What are expenditures?

Posted by Whorpio

Posted by VenusAquarius
From what you have wrote about your boyfriend, it seems your boyfriend is extremely non-confrontational. Your willingness for confrontation, addressing things at hand makes him uncomfortable.
What I personally wouldn't like about this is how he's gonna be non-confrontational with everybody but, confrontational with me?
If anybody, I am the one to be appeased, acquiesced to over everbody else because you gotta love with me.

He’s more confrontational with people/matters he cares about. Idk if it’s an introvert thing or a southern thing 🤔🤔

click to expand

Then, is it that he thinks you're petty? Or, have petty concerns?

Posted by Damnata
I read what he said as "There is no point to pursue this course of action because everyone knows it's a scam and it will only frustrate you" aka him actually being the opposite of inconsiderate since he wants you to not experience frustration.

I don't see him as either non confrontational or argumentative, he sounds rational to me and not the type to sweat the small things, big picture kind of person which is always a plus.

Have you read her other accounts of his behavior?

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by Damnata
I read what he said as "There is no point to pursue this course of action because everyone knows it's a scam and it will only frustrate you" aka him actually being the opposite of inconsiderate since he wants you to not experience frustration.

I don't see him as either non confrontational or argumentative, he sounds rational to me and not the type to sweat the small things, big picture kind of person which is always a plus.

Have you read her other accounts of his behavior? click to expand

click to expand

No, just the part about the pet rent as a standalone thing. If other things make the picture more detailed and leaning one way..disregard my view, OP. But on the pet rent "debate" I see general guy behavior.

@Whorpio,

All the posts about your "differences..."

...the roommate, the lease, the pet fee... you wanted to address head on and he wanted too...

Posted by Squishy_Marshmallow
He's a gemini... We rarely count money esp when we are spending it on someone we love. He could be offended you place more value on money or you doubt his earning potential or his ability to know how to spend money or you could be seen as "nagging" if this is the first time you guys are discussing money then okay, but if repeatedly? He might see it as a controlling and nagging behavior.

And maybe he makes good money and doesn't have to bother about $ 50? I know I won't.

I’ve learned not to tell him how to spend his money because he does have weird rules. That’s why I didn’t see this dispute as one concerning how he’s spending money; I more so meant I don’t want landlords thinking we’re easy to scam just because we are young. But I guess maybe he did personally see it as my way of trying to control how he spends.

Posted by VenusAquarius
Then, is it that he thinks you're petty? Or, have petty concerns?

Ok, I will admit a few of my feelings are over petty concerns 😬😬

Posted by Fortuna
As a landlord:

Pets are an additional liability and always cause additional wear and tear, and any level of neglect can cause more damage to the unit. Pet deposits are also not necessarily refundable. It would likely be a “fee,” and not a “deposit.” The cost to replace the floor exceeds the fee, or as you call it—the deposit. We are talking about a thousand dollar or more difference.

It’s best to just find a cheap or average place where they don’t care about maintenance or making sure the place looks nice and is actually clean as they will most likely not charge any thing extra.

Also, if you want to lower your rent costs I would just ask them to lower their cost and give them reasons why: is there something wrong with apartment? Or maybe you are willing to sign a longer lease and can ask for less in rent. There are ways to lower your rent without arguing the pet fee. The rent has always been lowered when a tenant was willing to sign a 18 month lease. That’s just my experience.

As for your bf, maybe he understands the responsibility of having a pet and living in someone else’s space and is willing to cover those costs 👆🏻Therefore does not see the need to argue against paying it.

He could also just hate confrontation and does not wish to argue with a potential landlord. Hope that helps.

I could see it as him not wanting to piss off potential landlords.

On the note of explaining pet rent, I understand pets cause wear and tear. That’s what the hefty pet deposit is for though. And on top of that I’m sure we would be expected to pay for damages our pet does anyways...

Posted by Whorpio

Posted by RooSagicorn
How is what he said trying to control you? It was his opinion. Sometimes guys try to convince you of their opinion, but it doesn’t mean you have to do what they say.. What sign is he?

I’m not sure if his feelings were hurt because you didn’t agree with him or if you said he was trying to control you when he felt he wasn’t?

Gemini sun, cancer moon.
That’s a good question in regards to the last part. Not sure. click to expand

click to expand

My bro and every other Gemini sun cancer/Scorpio moon HATE CONFRONTATION.

You have to express yourself

but the thing is its [you + him] vs [the pet rent scam]

not [you] vs [him]

So when you are expressing yourself, don't attack HIM

He doesn't see it like you do, but you can show him. Men aren't exposed to the same advantages women see or experience. They just accept it. Women do not LOL

Women will not tolerate certain things because we realize its a bunch of BS but men, they just add it on to their load of worries, work, problems, whatever and figure out how to solve it. Not defy it.

Think about it... a simple example, have you ever seen that show What would you do? or something like that (I can't recall) and it basically puts people in a scenario where their reaction is tested. I'd say 8/10 times it is the woman who will snap back or react to the situation. The man typically stands back until it gets too far.

Back to you and your boo, I don't think its who should compromise but how should we compromise? In this case, although I agree with you that its a scam if thats what the landlord wants, thats what the landlord wants and you should negotiate with the landlord or hide ya pet!

Posted by Arkansassy
If it's not in the lease.. I'm not paying it.

And if you signed a lease with that stipulation in it, after paying a pet fee/non-refundable deposit... you're an idiot.

Right!!!

The apartments I’m staying at right now are threatening to slap pet owners with a pet rent because some people ain’t picking up after their dogs. I’m like “If you’re gonna make me pay a monthly fee you better be picking up my dogs shit since that’s what your threat is abouttttt”.

Posted by AneemA04
I'm more concerned as to how you think he was trying to control you while all he did was giving you advice..
Hm. It seems that he didn't nag you about not doing it, right?

It didn’t feel like advice. It felt like he was telling me why I can’t do something.

I think this is mostly your reaction to possibly WHAT he said and the tone in which he said it. Purely a guess on my part, and I totally get your reaction. I've been on both sides of this type of situation in the past and it kind of feels like the "just shut up about it" explanation comes off as dismissive. Communication is not an easy thing between most couples technique wise. Think you have to just come out and ask him what it was that bothered him so much about what you said and go from there.

The way you described him here with the landlord and before with his old roomie gives me the impression he’d rather not rock the boat. Prefers to go with the flow and internalize shit.

I get you tho. Everything is negotiable. I’d rather leave a larger deposit than pay a per rent fee.

I’ve jumped from rental to rental in the last 2 years. Lived 5 different places. I always had really good luck with landlords and my dog. Part of it is how I introduce her to them.

I’d bring her with me to the showing (she is amazing on the leash, super chill and quiet as a mouse). They fall in love with her cute face and my cute face 💚

I tell them I have zero issues giving them a bigger deposit for the dog while assuring them she’s an angel.

Current rental they refused to take a bigger deposit from me. Told me not to worry. Love them!

Posted by ellesbelles
Sag moon problems....

Anyone - "I dont think you......."

Sag moon - "STOP CONTROLLING MEH!!!!"

Sort of the same with Aries moons....

Aries Moon - "I THINK....."

Everyone - "OMG, Calm down"

I’m glad someone understands my real struggle 🤗