SuperGroverGirl
@SuperGroverGirl
10 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 61 · Topics: 5
Work, Loss & A Toxic Marriage
He recently had an interaction with an old girlfriend’s family that made him very emotional and he confessed to me that it was the first time he was truly happy in a very long time. It made me incredibly sad and heartbroken for him. I’ve been very careful to be only a listener and not a commentator.
Recently, a family member I had been caring for passed away from cancer. It was incredibly difficult for me and the husband checked in on me daily to make sure I was ok. Little texts like “thinking of you”, “sending good thoughts”, “hope you’re ok”, all while he was traveling. He even told me if I needed to call just to cry to someone on the other end that he’d be there. Up until then he and I had only had one physical interaction: one hug after a late-night emergency room visit for my sick family member (he came with me to the emergency room to make sure I was ok). I hugged him afterwards to thank him for being there for me. I’m a very touchy-feely person so it was a natural reaction for me. It was pretty awkward. He just put a hand on the top middle of my back but when I went to pull away he held me closer a little while longer. When we parted he was blushing, smiling and couldn’t look me in the eye. It was 5am and he drove me home in silence. After my family member passed the physical interaction increased a bit. When I told him of the passing he squeezed my forearm. Once when he caught me crying he tried to squeeze my shoulder and ended up running his hand across the back of my neck. Another time he patted me on the small of my back. It used to be when I handed him something we would avoid contact all together. Now he touches my fingers. Recently, I’ve also noticed him sneaking glances at me through my peripheral vision while we’re watching a movie together. His body language has changed as well. His legs are always crossed towards me or he sits with legs open and feet pointed at me. Often times he clasps his fingers behind his head while talking with me; arms flexed and chest out, either standing or sitting. I’ve noticed his eyes wander to other parts of my body too when he thinks I’m not looking. Eye contact between us is also very strong. He’s been calling me more frequently just to talk. I have to say that since I’ve been grieving it’s been nice to have his company and to feel cared about but with all of these other clues I’m starting to question exactly what’s happening here. Additionally, he is trying to buy me an apartment closer to his building since I tend to work a lot of long hours for them and no longer have an ailing family member living in my small apartment.
Recently, a family member I had been caring for passed away from cancer. It was incredibly difficult for me and the husband checked in on me daily to make sure I was ok. Little texts like “thinking of you”, “sending good thoughts”, “hope you’re ok”, all while he was traveling. He even told me if I needed to call just to cry to someone on the other end that he’d be there. Up until then he and I had only had one physical interaction: one hug after a late-night emergency room visit for my sick family member (he came with me to the emergency room to make sure I was ok). I hugged him afterwards to thank him for being there for me. I’m a very touchy-feely person so it was a natural reaction for me. It was pretty awkward. He just put a hand on the top middle of my back but when I went to pull away he held me closer a little while longer. When we parted he was blushing, smiling and couldn’t look me in the eye. It was 5am and he drove me home in silence. After my family member passed the physical interaction increased a bit. When I told him of the passing he squeezed my forearm. Once when he caught me crying he tried to squeeze my shoulder and ended up running his hand across the back of my neck. Another time he patted me on the small of my back. It used to be when I handed him something we would avoid contact all together. Now he touches my fingers. Recently, I’ve also noticed him sneaking glances at me through my peripheral vision while we’re watching a movie together. His body language has changed as well. His legs are always crossed towards me or he sits with legs open and feet pointed at me. Often times he clasps his fingers behind his head while talking with me; arms flexed and chest out, either standing or sitting. I’ve noticed his eyes wander to other parts of my body too when he thinks I’m not looking. Eye contact between us is also very strong. He’s been calling me more frequently just to talk. I have to say that since I’ve been grieving it’s been nice to have his company and to feel cared about but with all of these other clues I’m starting to question exactly what’s happening here. Additionally, he is trying to buy me an apartment closer to his building since I tend to work a lot of long hours for them and no longer have an ailing family member living in my small apartment.
I can’t pretend to understand the couple’s relationship as they've been through so much together over the years. It must be extremely difficult for both of them to be in the positions that they are in. Their unhappiness with each other does not go unnoticed, as so many others who have known them longer have expressed to me. A friend told me to find another job and quit. All complications aside, I really do enjoy my job and feel valued and appreciated. Any other position would not have been as flexible in dealing with my ailing family member and I'm incredibly grateful for that. I feel this family needs someone like me around and I’m not ready to give up on it yet. This is obviously a very unique situation so I’m asking for others thoughts and opinions as I feel incredibly lost and alone with no one to talk to.
Are you 100% sure that the husband didn't make moves against the other assistants and that's why they quit? I suppose the answer to that is irrelevant though. I would quit or make sure to set firm boundaries with this dude. You don't want to get into any legal trouble if the wife decides that you're being a nuisance. Or even for your own safety. You're around this dude alone quite a bit it seems. If he wanted to make any forceful moves, he has a lot of opportunities. Just sounds like a bunch of trouble waiting to happen.
You don't seem to be doing much to halt his advances either which is a huge problem
op, do you have feelings for him?
Posted by ScenicI've been keeping a safe distance. I don't always accept his invitation to watch a movie. When we do watch a movie at the house I sit at the opposite end of the room. Sometimes I invite the nanny joins us. I don't give any commentary when the husband complains about the wife or when the wife complains to me about the husband. I simply listen because I know that's what they both need. I don't initiate calling or texting the husband unless it's work related. I've been struggling to keep boundaries. It's difficult to do when so much of my job involves being a part of their personal lives.
You don't seem to be doing much to halt his advances either which is a huge problem
Posted by bumboklatt
Not a unique situation first of all. Sounds like he likes you, what else could it be?
If you really feel for the family then keeping the husband company can be risky. Its probably not a problem that you can solve.
If you wanna keep it professional then get another job. Cant do both thats just asking for trouble. Its not a unique situation. So many stories of the "hot secretary" or vulnerable partner
In talking with one of the previous nannies she pointed out that the husband doesn't have a lot of friends and that he seemed more lonely for friendship than anything else. Someone to talk to and do the kind of things his wife won't do with him, like go to the movies or out to dinner. His wife has a lot of food allergies so going out to eat is difficult for her. She's always home when we're watching a movie but doesn't want to watch with us. He always tells her when he and I going out to eat or to a movie. It's not like there is any sneaking around.
Posted by Scenic2 were gay men so I don't think there were any advances there. 🙂
Are you 100% sure that the husband didn't make moves against the other assistants and that's why they quit? I suppose the answer to that is irrelevant though. I would quit or make sure to set firm boundaries with this dude. You don't want to get into any legal trouble if the wife decides that you're being a nuisance. Or even for your own safety. You're around this dude alone quite a bit it seems. If he wanted to make any forceful moves, he has a lot of opportunities. Just sounds like a bunch of trouble waiting to happen.
You see some red flags with this situation.
Your friend is right, you should start looking for another job. Doesn't mean you have to take it...but have a plan in place for when your current work situation implodes.
Your friend is right, you should start looking for another job. Doesn't mean you have to take it...but have a plan in place for when your current work situation implodes.
Posted by MoonshineLeoI care about all of them very much and just want everyone in the family to be happy. That's why I work as hard as I do for them.
op, do you have feelings for him?
Posted by bumboklattPosted by SuperGroverGirlPosted by bumboklatt#1 is the point that worries me the most. I can't say anything to him as there is no possible way for it to go well.
As long as everyone agrees wouldnt be a problem. I dont want to sound negative but he is a MAN and he already touches you although not inappropriately. It's probably fine but three red flags come up
1. You dont know his real feelings or intentions
2. It's getting really PERSONAL he sounds dependent on you. AND you know sometimes feelings and work dont mix
3. It may look suspicious to outsidersclick to expand
Posted by tiziani
Even if you enjoy the job, it's very unlikely you will beat the odds and last in the role where others have left. It's evident to see why the situation is setup for anyone to fail to keep everyone in the family satisfied, let alone happy.
In the meantime, with what time you have left, you can try to arrange as many opportunities for the husband to push himself in meeting new people if he's so lonely. It may push him to get the kind of perspective to talk to his wife properly about what the issues are between them. Half my family is in healthcare and it is very common that people going through disability turn abusive and use their condition as leverage to control their closest relationships. Right or wrong, it's a process people go through and it just sounds like they stopped moving forward to complete that process, instead getting stuck halfway while others get dragged into the never-ending unresolved gap between them all.
I'm no stranger to difficult work situations. While working for one family the husband came out as transgender and started under going gender reassignment surgery. Not an easy place to work when a family is going through that.
I feel bad leaving when so much of their stuff is screwed up because none of their other assistants stuck around. I can tell it's one of those things that's been an additional strain on their relationship.
Interesting you mentioned the bit about using their disability to control relationships. The wife just recently started doing that with me when I tried to help her with a project she'd been trying to get done for a long time. When we finally started working on it after months of complaining she started fighting with me about it and I couldn't make any progress. It took out an entire day of my work week that I was already behind on due to my family member passing away and I felt like all I did was spin wheels in the sand. After a long talk with the husband about it he talked to her and she apologized to me when I came in on a Saturday to try to catch up on work.
Posted by bumboklattPosted by SuperGroverGirlPosted by bumboklattIt's extremely difficult not to get personal when your job is their personal lives. Having some boundaries help but the line is easily blurred.Posted by SuperGroverGirlMaybe it can go well if you are honest . Its like your in deep now. Thats why its no good getting too personal with professionalsPosted by bumboklatt#1 is the point that worries me the most. I can't say anything to him as there is no possible way for it to go well.
As long as everyone agrees wouldnt be a problem. I dont want to sound negative but he is a MAN and he already touches you although not inappropriately. It's probably fine but three red flags come up
1. You dont know his real feelings or intentions
2. It's getting really PERSONAL he sounds dependent on you. AND you know sometimes feelings and work dont mix
3. It may look suspicious to outsidersclick to expand
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all, and no theu dont need you around undrr those circumstances.
Some people have no moral code these days. Always in everyone business, cant just do their job and leave it at that. . Smh.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant. I wonder if it's him.
Some people have no moral code these days. Always in everyone business, cant just do their job and leave it at that. . Smh.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant. I wonder if it's him.
Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
Posted by SuperGroverGirlWho do you think you're trying to fool!! You may be able to fool the family and people on here with your false sense of sympathy, while exchanging glances with her husband, but.you're not.going to fool me.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.click to expand
Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you feel that way. And I'm sorry you're having such hard time getting over whoever hurt you.Posted by SuperGroverGirlWho do you think you're trying to fool!! You may be able to fool the family and people on here with your false sense of sympathy, while exchanging glances with her husband, but.you're not.going to fool me.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
click to expand
Posted by SuperGroverGirlNobody hurt me, you're just a cunt who thinks it's ok to act this way with a handicapped woman's husband.Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you feel that way. And I'm sorry you're having such hard time getting over whoever hurt you.Posted by SuperGroverGirlWho do you think you're trying to fool!! You may be able to fool the family and people on here with your false sense of sympathy, while exchanging glances with her husband, but.you're not.going to fool me.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
click to expand
Posted by SuperGroverGirlYour caring too much.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.click to expand
That sounds bad but it's true. These people are first and foremost your employers. You are not their psychiatrist or marriage counsellor. You are the house assistant.
Involving yourself in their personal matters will only end badly for everyone involved, most of all you.
Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you're so angry at me and you find a way to work through it.Posted by SuperGroverGirlNobody hurt me, you're just a cunt who thinks it's ok to act this way with a handicapped woman's husband.Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you feel that way. And I'm sorry you're having such hard time getting over whoever hurt you.Posted by SuperGroverGirlWho do you think you're trying to fool!! You may be able to fool the family and people on here with your false sense of sympathy, while exchanging glances with her husband, but.you're not.going to fool me.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
click to expand
Posted by SuperGroverGirlSeems like you have bigger problems to deal with, you should focus on honing in your home wrecking tendencies, and just focus on the job they hired you to do.Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you're so angry at me and you find a way to work through it.Posted by SuperGroverGirlNobody hurt me, you're just a cunt who thinks it's ok to act this way with a handicapped woman's husband.Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you feel that way. And I'm sorry you're having such hard time getting over whoever hurt you.Posted by SuperGroverGirlWho do you think you're trying to fool!! You may be able to fool the family and people on here with your false sense of sympathy, while exchanging glances with her husband, but.you're not.going to fool me.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
click to expand
Posted by LadyNeptunePosted by SuperGroverGirlYour caring too much.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
That sounds bad but it's true. These people are first and foremost your employers. You are not their psychiatrist or marriage counsellor. You are the house assistant.
Involving yourself in their personal matters will only end badly for everyone involved, most of all you.
click to expand
That is extremely true and caring too much has always been my problem when it comes my work. A lot of people don't understand that. But they really aren't in any position to be without an assistant at the moment so I have to figure out a way to deal with this situation. Thankfully they travel so often I only have to worry about these things roughly 2 weeks out of the month.
My boss is separating from his wife. He's been venting to me lately. Telling me about things that are going down between them that are too personal for my ears. I shut that shit down, I told him I was uncomfortable and he understood and that was it.
We went to college together and you could say we are more than just boss and employee, a step below friends. However I want to keep things strictly business between us. Because I will not jepradise my job because of a bleeding heart.
We went to college together and you could say we are more than just boss and employee, a step below friends. However I want to keep things strictly business between us. Because I will not jepradise my job because of a bleeding heart.
Posted by GreenteaYou are loved. 🙂Posted by SuperGroverGirlSeems like you have bigger problems to deal with, you should focus on honing in your home wrecking tendencies, and just focus on the job they hired you to do.Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you're so angry at me and you find a way to work through it.Posted by SuperGroverGirlNobody hurt me, you're just a cunt who thinks it's ok to act this way with a handicapped woman's husband.Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you feel that way. And I'm sorry you're having such hard time getting over whoever hurt you.Posted by SuperGroverGirlWho do you think you're trying to fool!! You may be able to fool the family and people on here with your false sense of sympathy, while exchanging glances with her husband, but.you're not.going to fool me.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
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Sounds toxic... But then again OP you thrive on that, don't you?
Posted by LadyNeptuneNo she doesn't, she doesn't care at all. She's just nosey as shit. Her intentions are not anywhere in good moral standing. Look at her post, it's all about how shitty the husband/wife, and how she makes the wife look bad, then it's all about the husband and their relationship together, and how they're staring at eachother, how he's there for her, and now he wants her closer "bcuz of her commute" .. my ass. She's bad and he's no good either.Posted by SuperGroverGirlYour caring too much.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
That sounds bad but it's true. These people are first and foremost your employers. You are not their psychiatrist or marriage counsellor. You are the house assistant.
Involving yourself in their personal matters will only end badly for everyone involved, most of all you.
click to expand
Posted by SuperGroverGirlThanks, and I know cunt.Posted by GreenteaYou are loved. 🙂Posted by SuperGroverGirlSeems like you have bigger problems to deal with, you should focus on honing in your home wrecking tendencies, and just focus on the job they hired you to do.Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you're so angry at me and you find a way to work through it.Posted by SuperGroverGirlNobody hurt me, you're just a cunt who thinks it's ok to act this way with a handicapped woman's husband.Posted by GreenteaI'm sorry you feel that way. And I'm sorry you're having such hard time getting over whoever hurt you.Posted by SuperGroverGirlWho do you think you're trying to fool!! You may be able to fool the family and people on here with your false sense of sympathy, while exchanging glances with her husband, but.you're not.going to fool me.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
click to expand
Posted by GreenteaHer motives aren't the issue here. Her over involvement is.Posted by LadyNeptuneNo she doesn't, she doesn't care at all. She's just nosey as shit. Her intentions are not anywhere in good moral standing. Look at her post, it's all about how shitty the husband/wife, and how she makes the wife look bad, then it's all about the husband and their relationship together, and how they're staring at eachother, how he's there for her, and now he wants her closer "bcuz of her commute" .. my ass. She's bad and he's no good either.Posted by SuperGroverGirlYour caring too much.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
That sounds bad but it's true. These people are first and foremost your employers. You are not their psychiatrist or marriage counsellor. You are the house assistant.
Involving yourself in their personal matters will only end badly for everyone involved, most of all you.
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Posted by LadyNeptuneIt goes back to her motive. Why be so over involved. Bcuz she's nosey af, her intentions are not good, otherwise she wouldn't be this involved, she wouldn't allow him to be involved to this extent. She's exchanging long glances with him now, she knows what's up, amd she loves it. It's so wrong on so many levels. Now she wants to make excuses to why she can't get herself out of the situation, bcuz she doesn't want out of it. In fact, she wants to know more from it by posting on here.Posted by GreenteaHer motives aren't the issue here. Her over involvement is.Posted by LadyNeptuneNo she doesn't, she doesn't care at all. She's just nosey as shit. Her intentions are not anywhere in good moral standing. Look at her post, it's all about how shitty the husband/wife, and how she makes the wife look bad, then it's all about the husband and their relationship together, and how they're staring at eachother, how he's there for her, and now he wants her closer "bcuz of her commute" .. my ass. She's bad and he's no good either.Posted by SuperGroverGirlYour caring too much.Posted by GreenteaOk. I'll leave them in the lurch while they're in between nannies and while their files, finances and home repairs are a mess to go through another 6 months of background checks and interviews trying to find another assistant. I'm sure the extreme stress of being without any home staff to assist a wife with special needs and a young daughter who is homeschooled will do wonders for their marriage.
You're looking to creep around with this woman's husband. Shame on you. You need to go, cause you're not helping them at all.
This seems like a story that Virgo guy some months back would conjure up. The one who was an insurance fraud specialist who had an Aqua wife, and a Cancer assistant.
If my questioning the husband's motives towards me makes me the bad person then I question your judgement. Because after losing my closest family member to cancer (the disease not the astrological sign) after putting my life on hold to take care of him for the last 6 months I refuse to be shamed by someone who's going to assume the worst about me without actually knowing me.
That sounds bad but it's true. These people are first and foremost your employers. You are not their psychiatrist or marriage counsellor. You are the house assistant.
Involving yourself in their personal matters will only end badly for everyone involved, most of all you.
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Posted by LadyNeptuneThat's tough! Luckily I've never had to deal with that in an office setting. But it sounds like you got a good handle on it. Working in someone's home is different. You're involved in all of their personal business whether you like it or not. They see you as part of their family so the filter is much thinner. You can draw boundaries but they are tested often. It's a very tough line of work particularly with families like this and it can be hard to shake off at the end of the day.
My boss is separating from his wife. He's been venting to me lately. Telling me about things that are going down between them that are too personal for my ears. I shut that shit down, I told him I was uncomfortable and he understood and that was it.
We went to college together and you could say we are more than just boss and employee, a step below friends. However I want to keep things strictly business between us. Because I will not jepradise my job because of a bleeding heart.
Posted by MoonbutterNot really. It's incredibly uncomfortable to be around. Especially when they try to pretend there isn't a problem. Since I work in their home there's no network of office mates to talk to about this kind of stuff so I shoulder it all on my own.
Sounds toxic... But then again OP you thrive on that, don't you?
Posted by SuperGroverGirlAside from our accountant I am the only employee working with him. We work closely, sometimes the whole day traveling in the same car. I've spent many hours working out of his home as his wife works long hours at the Hospital and he's responsible for his young daughter. Also like I said there is a degree of prior acquaintance since we went to school together. I have made a conscious effort to stay in established roles of boss and employee even though the line could've been blurred many times.Posted by LadyNeptuneThat's tough! Luckily I've never had to deal with that in an office setting. But it sounds like you got a good handle on it. Working in someone's home is different. You're involved in all of their personal business whether you like it or not. They see you as part of their family so the filter is much thinner. You can draw boundaries but they are tested often. It's a very tough line of work particularly with families like this and it can be hard to shake off at the end of the day.
My boss is separating from his wife. He's been venting to me lately. Telling me about things that are going down between them that are too personal for my ears. I shut that shit down, I told him I was uncomfortable and he understood and that was it.
We went to college together and you could say we are more than just boss and employee, a step below friends. However I want to keep things strictly business between us. Because I will not jepradise my job because of a bleeding heart.click to expand
I haven't done your job so I can't say I know what it's like. Thing is you have to establish boundaries, no one else can do it for you.
Posted by SuperGroverGirl"They see you as part of their family..."Posted by LadyNeptuneThat's tough! Luckily I've never had to deal with that in an office setting. But it sounds like you got a good handle on it. Working in someone's home is different. You're involved in all of their personal business whether you like it or not. They see you as part of their family so the filter is much thinner. You can draw boundaries but they are tested often. It's a very tough line of work particularly with families like this and it can be hard to shake off at the end of the day.
My boss is separating from his wife. He's been venting to me lately. Telling me about things that are going down between them that are too personal for my ears. I shut that shit down, I told him I was uncomfortable and he understood and that was it.
We went to college together and you could say we are more than just boss and employee, a step below friends. However I want to keep things strictly business between us. Because I will not jepradise my job because of a bleeding heart.click to expand
That's a nice sentiment but you aren't family and I doubt they really feel that way. Do they appreciate the work you do? Surely.
But if push ever came to shove you would be the first to be cut loose. You are their employee, not blood.
OP,
Your conversation with bumboklatt and your refusal to answer MoonshineLeo's question says it all.
Please stop it already.
Your conversation with bumboklatt and your refusal to answer MoonshineLeo's question says it all.
Please stop it already.
Posted by MoonbutterI don't actually.
Sounds toxic... But then again OP you thrive on that, don't you?
Posted by GreenteaPosted by LadyNeptunePosted by GreenteaPosted by LadyNeptuneIt goes back to her motive. Why be so over involved. Bcuz she's nosey af, her intentions are not good, otherwise she wouldn't be this involved, she wouldn't allow him to be involved to this extent. She's exchanging long glances with him now, she knows what's up, amd she loves it. It's so wrong on so many levels. Now she wants to make excuses to why she can't get herself out of the situation, bcuz she doesn't want out of it.Posted by SuperGroverGirlHer motives aren't the issue here. Her over involvement is.Posted by GreenteaNo she doesn't, she doesn't care at all. She's just nosey as shit. Her intentions are not anywhere in good moral standing. Look at her post, it's all about how shitty the husband/wife, and how she makes the wife look bad, then it's all about the husband and their relationship together, and how they're staring at eachother, how he's there for her, and now he wants her closer "bcuz of her commute" .. my ass. She's bad and he's no good either.
Your caring too much.
That sounds bad but it's true. These people are first and foremost your employers. You are not their psychiatrist or marriage counsellor. You are the house assistant.
Involving yourself in their personal matters will only end badly for everyone involved, most of all you.
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I can only imagine what difficult situation you must have gone through to be so distrusting of people. Not all people are nosey with ill intentions. My purpose for coming here was to talk through the problem and try to find help in finding a solution to deal with these problems. My family member's cancer treatments and funeral expenses has put me in debt so I have no emergency funds to rely on to just up and leave the job.
Posted by VenusAquarius
OP,
Your conversation with bumboklatt and your refusal to answer MoonshineLeo's question says it all.
Please stop it already.
There is no reason to answer MoonshineLeo's question any further than I already have. Any answer I give will only result in more attacks so why bother?
My conversation with bumboklatt was actually quite helpful to me. He confirmed my suspicions which means it's not all in my head and I can figure out the best way to deal with that hopefully without jeopardizing my job.
Posted by tizianiSorry, I think I misinterpreted what you said after my first read through.Posted by SuperGroverGirlI don't think you read what I wrote other than to suit what course of action you've already decided to take. I fear you will have to learn the hard way what probably most, if not all, the assistants felt and thought about the situation before you. I hope it works out for the family and they find sincere help.Posted by tiziani
Even if you enjoy the job, it's very unlikely you will beat the odds and last in the role where others have left. It's evident to see why the situation is setup for anyone to fail to keep everyone in the family satisfied, let alone happy.
In the meantime, with what time you have left, you can try to arrange as many opportunities for the husband to push himself in meeting new people if he's so lonely. It may push him to get the kind of perspective to talk to his wife properly about what the issues are between them. Half my family is in healthcare and it is very common that people going through disability turn abusive and use their condition as leverage to control their closest relationships. Right or wrong, it's a process people go through and it just sounds like they stopped moving forward to complete that process, instead getting stuck halfway while others get dragged into the never-ending unresolved gap between them all.
I'm no stranger to difficult work situations. While working for one family the husband came out as transgender and started under going gender reassignment surgery. Not an easy place to work when a family is going through that.
I feel bad leaving when so much of their stuff is screwed up because none of their other assistants stuck around. I can tell it's one of those things that's been an additional strain on their relationship.
Interesting you mentioned the bit about using their disability to control relationships. The wife just recently started doing that with me when I tried to help her with a project she'd been trying to get done for a long time. When we finally started working on it after months of complaining she started fighting with me about it and I couldn't make any progress. It took out an entire day of my work week that I was already behind on due to my family member passing away and I felt like all I did was spin wheels in the sand. After a long talk with the husband about it he talked to her and she apologized to me when I came in on a Saturday to try to catch up on work.click to expand
"More often than not, the invitations come from the husband and more frequently they are for he and I alone. He’s taken me to dinner a few times, nothing fancy, as well as to the movies. I've even gone to the movies with the husband and his daughter. His wife is not a big moviegoer but he loves it and so do I. Film has been our bonding point and he's been happy to have someone to go with."
"Most days I order him takeout or he’ll ask me to join him for dinner. This is where things start to get really messy"
"He even gets mad at me if I go to the movies without him. He has also asked me to stay late at the house a few times to order food and watch a movie with him (this comes after I’ve already put in a 12 hour day)."
He recently had an interaction with an old girlfriend’s family that made him very emotional and he confessed to me that it was the first time he was truly happy in a very long time. It made me incredibly sad and heartbroken for him. I’ve been very careful to be only a listener and not a commentator.
"Recently, a family member I had been caring for passed away from cancer. It was incredibly difficult for me and the husband checked in on me daily to make sure I was ok. Little texts like “thinking of you”, “sending good thoughts”, “hope you’re ok”, all while he was traveling. He even told me if I needed to call just to cry to someone on the other end that he’d be there."
"I hugged him afterwards to thank him for being there for me. I’m a very touchy-feely person so it was a natural reaction for me. It was pretty awkward. He just put a hand on the top middle of my back but when I went to pull away he held me closer a little while longer. When we parted he was blushing, smiling and couldn’t look me in the eye. It was 5am and he drove me home in silence. After my family member passed the physical interaction increased a bit. When I told him of the passing he squeezed my forearm. Once when he caught me crying he tried to squeeze my shoulder and ended up running his hand across the back of my neck. Another time he patted me on the small of my back. It used to be when I handed him something we would avoid contact all together. Now he touches my fingers."
"I’ve noticed his eyes wander to other parts of my body too when he thinks I’m not looking. Eye contact between us is also very strong."
"He’s been calling me more frequently just to talk. I have to say that since I’ve been grieving it’s been nice to have his company and to feel cared about but with all of these other clues I’m starting to question exactly what’s happening here. Additionally, he is trying to buy me an apartment closer to his building since I tend to work a lot of long hours for them"
***these are all your words***
And you're sitting here trying to convince us that you don't know whats going on and what you're doing, so Stfu. I'm done with you, you obviously don't see anything wrong in what you've contributed to the situation and being a tease.
"Most days I order him takeout or he’ll ask me to join him for dinner. This is where things start to get really messy"
"He even gets mad at me if I go to the movies without him. He has also asked me to stay late at the house a few times to order food and watch a movie with him (this comes after I’ve already put in a 12 hour day)."
He recently had an interaction with an old girlfriend’s family that made him very emotional and he confessed to me that it was the first time he was truly happy in a very long time. It made me incredibly sad and heartbroken for him. I’ve been very careful to be only a listener and not a commentator.
"Recently, a family member I had been caring for passed away from cancer. It was incredibly difficult for me and the husband checked in on me daily to make sure I was ok. Little texts like “thinking of you”, “sending good thoughts”, “hope you’re ok”, all while he was traveling. He even told me if I needed to call just to cry to someone on the other end that he’d be there."
"I hugged him afterwards to thank him for being there for me. I’m a very touchy-feely person so it was a natural reaction for me. It was pretty awkward. He just put a hand on the top middle of my back but when I went to pull away he held me closer a little while longer. When we parted he was blushing, smiling and couldn’t look me in the eye. It was 5am and he drove me home in silence. After my family member passed the physical interaction increased a bit. When I told him of the passing he squeezed my forearm. Once when he caught me crying he tried to squeeze my shoulder and ended up running his hand across the back of my neck. Another time he patted me on the small of my back. It used to be when I handed him something we would avoid contact all together. Now he touches my fingers."
"I’ve noticed his eyes wander to other parts of my body too when he thinks I’m not looking. Eye contact between us is also very strong."
"He’s been calling me more frequently just to talk. I have to say that since I’ve been grieving it’s been nice to have his company and to feel cared about but with all of these other clues I’m starting to question exactly what’s happening here. Additionally, he is trying to buy me an apartment closer to his building since I tend to work a lot of long hours for them"
***these are all your words***
And you're sitting here trying to convince us that you don't know whats going on and what you're doing, so Stfu. I'm done with you, you obviously don't see anything wrong in what you've contributed to the situation and being a tease.
What I'm getting from your question & reading this whole thread is that you're trying to make sure you're not doing anything wrong because you feel guilty in some way shape or form. Even though I don't particularly think you're doing anything wrong , I do think that if you're not careful things can go left real quick. Like others have said already, set boundaries. Good Luck !
Posted by SofiaV87Thank you for your thoughtful and helpful response without passing judgement on me personally. 🙂
What I'm getting from your question & reading this whole thread is that you're trying to make sure you're not doing anything wrong because you feel guilty in some way shape or form. Even though I don't particularly think you're doing anything wrong , I do think that if you're not careful things can go left real quick. Like others have said already, set boundaries. Good Luck !
Posted by InokeIt is.
"Two, my cat recently had an emergency and I had to rush him to the vet in the middle of the night. My boss and I were texting each other regarding a work issue when it happened.
He rushed to my apartment to take me to the emergency vet and stayed with me the entire time. I cried. A lot. I’m a very emotional person but I’m also incredibly sensible about it. I’ve learned to be able to understand and communicate my feelings very openly.
During all of this he was very distant and quiet. He gave me no comfort what so ever. He was incredibly helpful when it came time to discuss my cats condition, what the options were and how to handle things moving forward. When it was time to leave as we were getting in the car I turned and gave him a big hug and said thank you. He patted my back for a second and when I went to pull away he held me closer. When we broke the embrace he was smiling at me. We sat in silence until he dropped me off at my apartment. "
I don't understand OP, was the cat that family member that passed from cancer? Cause it seems like you're talking about the same emergency in your older thread too.
Posted by SofiaV87I saw it as her contemplating doing something wrong.
What I'm getting from your question & reading this whole thread is that you're trying to make sure you're not doing anything wrong because you feel guilty in some way shape or form. Even though I don't particularly think you're doing anything wrong , I do think that if you're not careful things can go left real quick. Like others have said already, set boundaries. Good Luck !
Posted by VenusAquariusPosted by SofiaV87I saw it as her contemplating doing something wrong.
What I'm getting from your question & reading this whole thread is that you're trying to make sure you're not doing anything wrong because you feel guilty in some way shape or form. Even though I don't particularly think you're doing anything wrong , I do think that if you're not careful things can go left real quick. Like others have said already, set boundaries. Good Luck !
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I didn't get that when I read what she wrote. Hopefully boundaries are set.
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I’ve been a domestic personal assistant my entire career so spending time with my bosses outside of a regular office setting is not unusual to me since I don’t work in a typical office setting. I’ve gone to movies and events with families that I’ve worked for in the past (even vacations). But typically it's always been as a family or at least with the couple or just the wife. I’ve gone to dinner twice with this family and I’ve always been seated between the husband and wife. More often than not, the invitations come from the husband and more frequently they are for he and I alone. He’s taken me to dinner a few times, nothing fancy, as well as to the movies. I've even gone to the movies with the husband and his daughter. His wife is not a big moviegoer but he loves it and so do I. Film has been our bonding point and he's been happy to have someone to go with. He even gets mad at me if I go to the movies without him. He has also asked me to stay late at the house a few times to order food and watch a movie with him (this comes after I’ve already put in a 12 hour day). I’ve always been careful to sit in a chair in the room as opposed to next to him on the couch. We’ve had long talks about his previous relationships spurred by some movies we've watched.