How do I approach this situation with a Virgo man? (Page 2)

Posted by nanobotz

Posted by GenericUsername

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by GenericUsername

You are 32 and he is 25. Are you insane? Expecting any kind of maturity from a boy you met at a festival is ludicrous. You acted like a crazy old lady hungry for flesh. Imposing, planning...For God's sake he even asked his father for advice. You scared him off. And you don't love him, you just got high on attention and desperately wanted more. It's cool that you have to go through it alone and pay for all, because it will teach you more than one worthy lesson.

Learn to love yourself and don't be desperate. Also don't expect anything, especially from a 25 year old boy.

My dad married my mum at 22 and loved her and stayed by her side for over 40 years till her death.

Virgo married me in his mid twenties and is one of the most reliable and trusted people I know.

Some 25yr olds are more together than some 50yr olds going through a prolonged mid life crisis....

yes but it was a different time and as I presume not a great age gap? I have boys that age courting me, even slept with one, and they are all nice boys, but they yet have to live themselves out. I am very strict with myself about not ruining their life. It's just young energy in the end. And this boy asked his father for advice...he still sounds like a child.

I agree 100%

As a 33 yr old woman, I can’t even look at guys in their 20s, they literally have no clue what they want. Even when they are genuine and THINK they know what they want, they don’t actually. They are just too young. That’s been my experience.

click to expand

Sadly there are men in their 30s, 40s and 50s who don’t know what they want...

Do some men ever grow up?

I am sorry for saying this but you remind me of older ( you are not old ) women on 90 day fiance who get together with a younger man only to make the whole relationship about their issues. You only write about how he makes you feel about yourself. Relationships aren't that.

@genericusername

I know I have a bad habit of making it all about me. Empathy doesn’t come naturally to me and I don’t know how to be there for another person, let alone myself. It’s something I wish I could change but it isn’t easy.

Posted by frupachino

@genericusername

I know I have a bad habit of making it all about me. Empathy doesn’t come naturally to me and I don’t know how to be there for another person, let alone myself. It’s something I wish I could change but it isn’t easy.

are you a Leo Sun ☀?

@genericusername

No I’m a Taurus sun, Aquarius rising and Libra moon. I know that my lack of empathy probably stems from childhood, my father was physically and verbally abusive (a malignant narcissist) and my parent’s relationship is very toxic, she’s 16 years younger than him and let him abuse me. I’ve seen a lot of therapists in my life and like to think I’m improving, but I genuinely do worry if I’m making progress sometimes.

Posted by Krabss

It's weird that you have abandonment issues, but on the other hand you put yourself in a position to go to another continent to meet with someone you met once! Oh and you chatted in the mean time and it was great. And no plan b, c, d if things doesn't work out. Who does that? Someone adventurous without abandonment fears. So what is your problem exactly? Expected a lot from a stranger? Woth what right and why? Ofc he backed out.

And what is "potential" bdp? No doctor in a world will give you that diagnosis, you are prob self diagnosed, and ppl should srsly stop doing it! There are ppl with serious issues, while others as soon as they feel something other than positive, i'm this or that.

Be smart and find a way to remove yourself from this situation and leave him alone.

My therapist specialises in borderline and while I haven’t been given an official diagnosis, they told me that it sounds very much like I have it, and we have been doing DBT together.

I don’t know if I have an extreme case of it because I don’t get abandonment fears with friends, only in romantic relationships (it becomes extreme).

Yes, I know what I did was risky and stupid. I felt desperate and I need to learn from this. I shouldn’t have put my hope into someone I don’t know, it is still saddening to me though as I know he put hope into it as well and told me how much he cares about me and how he got feelings for me.

I feel that I got addicted to the feeling of potential love from him and I wish I could give that love to myself. It’s just so hard, I wish it was easier.

If I’m 100% honest I don’t even know how much we really connected. Physically we were very compatible and we spoke about cuddling all the time and I feel that it’s so unbearable missing out on this. I need to remind myself that cuddling is not love. I’m really messed up, I know.

Posted by frupachino

@genericusername

No I’m a Taurus sun, Aquarius rising and Libra moon. I know that my lack of empathy probably stems from childhood, my father was physically and verbally abusive (a malignant narcissist) and my parent’s relationship is very toxic, she’s 16 years younger than him and let him abuse me. I’ve seen a lot of therapists in my life and like to think I’m improving, but I genuinely do worry if I’m making progress sometimes.

💙😔

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

@alexscaries

He said he used to have depression, really badly and had to see a therapist for it. He mentioned something about his intense feelings for me making him feel unstable especially in the last week - and one time after a disagreement he said he had been crying for hours and drinking. That was the first time I had heard of him drinking alone to deal with an issue, I don’t think he normally does that.

In our last call he mumbled something about how he thought he was better but that some things never change and that he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Other issues: he can’t handle with disappointing people (feels extreme guilt), I am worried I abused this due to my potential borderline personality disorder and insecurities, at the same time I loved how sincere he was and how much he cared.

This is why I love people with BPD. Your hearts are really on your sleeves. So open and caring even when you feel wrong in your own right. You still think of the other.

BPD are people who have very high sensitivity bordering on empathic. What makes it a disorder and BPD is lack of emotional control and filters. That latter out of survival from childhood. Taking others needs and desires. People pleasing and mirroring to be liked and accepted. This causes issues with Personal barriers to others. All connections are a 2-way Street. That's what attracts others. The ease of connection and attachment.

Listen to him. This isn't just about his own wellbeing and mental health but yours. Especially with Libra moon. I'm guessing you pretzel yourself for others and have emotional backlashes. He does too in his own way. Virgo kick their own ass harder then anyone else can. That virgo sun, he doesn't see it working as he is and most likely see the effect it has on you and blames himself. It's a Virgo thing.



And drop the BPD title. Don't get caught up in that definition and trapped in it through belief. Focus on selfawareness to understand yourself without defining yourself it that way. A lot of the qualities of "BPD" can actually be expressed in a healthy way. It boils down to coping mechanism, personal boundaries you have to set for yourself, and selfawareness. Limit who you share yourself with and how much.

If you want to do something for him, give him a goal of seeing you again when he gets better. IF you insist or he wants to try tell him could practice with you. Just has to be open about his feelings to confront things as they come. Call him on his shit basically. Lol There is no better way then with someone who can read you. There is a lot we don't see or have the desire to change until we are confronted by it's effects on others and confronted with consequences🙂

It's part of radical honesty and a way to treat bpd. Selfawareness, understood, and self love.

Thank you for your comment, and for saying things that helped me to understand the situation from his perspective and for not judging me. I’m feeling a lot of judgment on this thread and while it’s nice to have a reality check on ways I’ve been disillusioned, I also really know that he does care about me and that he just didn’t know how to handle my abandonment fears in a long distance relationship.

I think you are right that he blames himself. He said once in a phone call “I keep making mistakes, I keep upsetting you” and instead of reassuring him I just got triggered and upset because I’ve heard this so many times from men before. Usually when they say this it’s just the sign that they will leave.

I couldn’t explain to him properly that even if he was perfect, I’d still get triggered. Intensely. It’s a part of borderline / cPTSD / my extreme abandonment fears. I don’t even know if it’s borderline, because I don’t have this with friends. It’s only when I’m dating or in a romantic relationship with a man, that I feel this intense fear. It’s almost insufferable.

I know he cares about me, I know this is hard for him, but I just feel so sad and not ready to

let him go. The last time I texted him, I told him I wanted him to recover and feel better, and asked if I could check in with him closer to the Miami flight, if he’d be open to meeting me once he felt more stable. He surprisingly answered with “wouldn’t that make everything more last minute?” - I thought he would just say no, but maybe he’s considering it.

I replied and told him I could find a backup plan in case he doesn’t want to do it, that I’m asking around already and think there’ll be options, and that the flight will still be there if he decides he wants to see me. He hasn’t replied yet, so I’m really hoping he changes his mind. I think I’ll text him on his birthday this week just to show him I still care about him.

Do you think all hope is lost? Should I just give up on him and this? Has it gone already too far beyond redemption?

click to expand

Not having sex for over a year or a romantic relationship is a real feat for someone with BPD. Good job!

The truth? Anything can happen. You left the door open and gave a invention. It's up to him at this point. Got to accept that. Relationships are a dance, takes 2. You have done your part. It's up to him.

Worse case scenario, you got good memories and a glimpse of what kind of partner you want and how you want to be treated🙂



Seriously why do you actually feel this way in romantic relationships? Yes yes I know what BPD is like first hand. Your emotional wellbeing is affected by your partners' and vis versa. It's why people who are emotionally unavailable are so appealing at first. They are safe. Yet you desire connection Libra moon. You are not honoring your emotional needs so have a splitting episode or become combative and needy.

And again people who have bpd are really appealing because of their loving and kind nature. The intensity you bring builds a attachment few people can handle... especially people who are emotionally unavailable. You will trigger them if their is a connection. It's only natural. Like a clogged pipe. Either the blockage clears from the pressure or it gets backed up and overflows like Virgo here. That's the simplist way to describe what happened here.

I do have one suggestion as far as you 2 go. if he ends up seeing you and especially if you stay with him. Working is a part of life. Got to balance work and play. If he can't take the time off you have to be ok doing you until he is available when he is available. Can't be completely dependent on him to the point of forcibly disrupting his life in order to give you the attention you need. That's means a little planning. Knowing what's going on and planning around it. Got to be able to do you when needed. This will greatly reduce the pressure on you both and the relationship.

It's also the Hallmark of a healthy relationship between 2 people. It's not 2 circles on top of each other looking like a oval rather 2 rings with overlapping sides.

Posted by frupachino

@genericusername

No I’m a Taurus sun, Aquarius rising and Libra moon. I know that my lack of empathy probably stems from childhood, my father was physically and verbally abusive (a malignant narcissist) and my parent’s relationship is very toxic, she’s 16 years younger than him and let him abuse me. I’ve seen a lot of therapists in my life and like to think I’m improving, but I genuinely do worry if I’m making progress sometimes.

Oohh you went the other direction.

You can not have a lack of empathy with that moon period. Libra is relationship oriented. Understanding others needs and desires in relation to your own is critical. You desire companionship and connection.

To be by yourself means being happy on your own and that requires selfawareness of your own needs and desires. People are like puzzle pieces. Without awareness of yourself you will try to fit your piece were it doesn't match the shape of others pieces so to speak.

You must be constantly frustrated in your personal relationships. Prone to lashing out.

The key to personal relationships is mutuality. Win win situations and trade offs that benefits both parties.

Something isn't right What you just said doesn't make sense.The fact you are self-absorbed is beside the point.

Even with BPD you should have a sense of your own personal needs and desires. Emotional fulfillment. Even if you bulldoze over others blindly.

This can't just be a sun issue. 2 possibilities come to mind.

Externally, lacking stability and in survival mood, being over reliant on others to survive. this causes a lack of control of your own life. This goes against the nature of Taurus archetype. It can me remedied by what I said about how to handle the relationship with him if you guys choose to hangout in Florida. As well as what I said about the nature of Libra moon.

The other is you have a untraditional nature compared to others in society and you are not honoring that. This would cause a disassociation of your own nature. Which is the Hallmark of BPD in the first place.

Posted by Damnata

I don't know what the hell is up with Taurus women when it comes to Virgo men but I have seen this scenario play on DXP for more than 10 years now.

Very very few Taurus women actually come on this board with a clear mind...the majority is absolutely delusional and persistent in their delusion to the point where it's the other party's fault for whatever they have conjured up in their head as the reality.

4 pages later you still talk about how you BOTH felt deeply. No, you did NOT both feel deeply. Virgos get zero credit for the strength of feeling but this is one sign that can do long distance and can actually do a lot if they are in love so all those excuses mean jackshit.

This has nothing to do with abandonment issues or borderline personality disorder - you are adamant that what YOU felt constitutes absolute reality and I really doubt anyone writing anything can sway you from that perspective so in the words of the great P-Angel..suffer as you wish.

OMG OMG OMGGGGGGG Lambie!!!!! Missed you Damnata!!! So glad to see your reasonable beauty here again ❤️

Ps. I was trying to say something nice and flattering and it just kinda fell flat lol sorry—my minds not firing on call calendars today 😵‍💫

Posted by turnthisshitoff

Where's his venus?

His Venus is in Libra. Mine is in Aries.

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

@alexscaries

He said he used to have depression, really badly and had to see a therapist for it. He mentioned something about his intense feelings for me making him feel unstable especially in the last week - and one time after a disagreement he said he had been crying for hours and drinking. That was the first time I had heard of him drinking alone to deal with an issue, I don’t think he normally does that.

In our last call he mumbled something about how he thought he was better but that some things never change and that he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Other issues: he can’t handle with disappointing people (feels extreme guilt), I am worried I abused this due to my potential borderline personality disorder and insecurities, at the same time I loved how sincere he was and how much he cared.

This is why I love people with BPD. Your hearts are really on your sleeves. So open and caring even when you feel wrong in your own right. You still think of the other.

BPD are people who have very high sensitivity bordering on empathic. What makes it a disorder and BPD is lack of emotional control and filters. That latter out of survival from childhood. Taking others needs and desires. People pleasing and mirroring to be liked and accepted. This causes issues with Personal barriers to others. All connections are a 2-way Street. That's what attracts others. The ease of connection and attachment.

Listen to him. This isn't just about his own wellbeing and mental health but yours. Especially with Libra moon. I'm guessing you pretzel yourself for others and have emotional backlashes. He does too in his own way. Virgo kick their own ass harder then anyone else can. That virgo sun, he doesn't see it working as he is and most likely see the effect it has on you and blames himself. It's a Virgo thing.



And drop the BPD title. Don't get caught up in that definition and trapped in it through belief. Focus on selfawareness to understand yourself without defining yourself it that way. A lot of the qualities of "BPD" can actually be expressed in a healthy way. It boils down to coping mechanism, personal boundaries you have to set for yourself, and selfawareness. Limit who you share yourself with and how much.

If you want to do something for him, give him a goal of seeing you again when he gets better. IF you insist or he wants to try tell him could practice with you. Just has to be open about his feelings to confront things as they come. Call him on his shit basically. Lol There is no better way then with someone who can read you. There is a lot we don't see or have the desire to change until we are confronted by it's effects on others and confronted with consequences🙂

It's part of radical honesty and a way to treat bpd. Selfawareness, understood, and self love.

Thank you for your comment, and for saying things that helped me to understand the situation from his perspective and for not judging me. I’m feeling a lot of judgment on this thread and while it’s nice to have a reality check on ways I’ve been disillusioned, I also really know that he does care about me and that he just didn’t know how to handle my abandonment fears in a long distance relationship.

I think you are right that he blames himself. He said once in a phone call “I keep making mistakes, I keep upsetting you” and instead of reassuring him I just got triggered and upset because I’ve heard this so many times from men before. Usually when they say this it’s just the sign that they will leave.

I couldn’t explain to him properly that even if he was perfect, I’d still get triggered. Intensely. It’s a part of borderline / cPTSD / my extreme abandonment fears. I don’t even know if it’s borderline, because I don’t have this with friends. It’s only when I’m dating or in a romantic relationship with a man, that I feel this intense fear. It’s almost insufferable.

I know he cares about me, I know this is hard for him, but I just feel so sad and not ready to

let him go. The last time I texted him, I told him I wanted him to recover and feel better, and asked if I could check in with him closer to the Miami flight, if he’d be open to meeting me once he felt more stable. He surprisingly answered with “wouldn’t that make everything more last minute?” - I thought he would just say no, but maybe he’s considering it.

I replied and told him I could find a backup plan in case he doesn’t want to do it, that I’m asking around already and think there’ll be options, and that the flight will still be there if he decides he wants to see me. He hasn’t replied yet, so I’m really hoping he changes his mind. I think I’ll text him on his birthday this week just to show him I still care about him.

Do you think all hope is lost? Should I just give up on him and this? Has it gone already too far beyond redemption?

Not having sex for over a year or a romantic relationship is a real feat for someone with BPD. Good job!

The truth? Anything can happen. You left the door open and gave a invention. It's up to him at this point. Got to accept that. Relationships are a dance, takes 2. You have done your part. It's up to him.

Worse case scenario, you got good memories and a glimpse of what kind of partner you want and how you want to be treated🙂



Seriously why do you actually feel this way in romantic relationships? Yes yes I know what BPD is like first hand. Your emotional wellbeing is affected by your partners' and vis versa. It's why people who are emotionally unavailable are so appealing at first. They are safe. Yet you desire connection Libra moon. You are not honoring your emotional needs so have a splitting episode or become combative and needy.

And again people who have bpd are really appealing because of their loving and kind nature. The intensity you bring builds a attachment few people can handle... especially people who are emotionally unavailable. You will trigger them if their is a connection. It's only natural. Like a clogged pipe. Either the blockage clears from the pressure or it gets backed up and overflows like Virgo here. That's the simplist way to describe what happened here.

I do have one suggestion as far as you 2 go. if he ends up seeing you and especially if you stay with him. Working is a part of life. Got to balance work and play. If he can't take the time off you have to be ok doing you until he is available when he is available. Can't be completely dependent on him to the point of forcibly disrupting his life in order to give you the attention you need. That's means a little planning. Knowing what's going on and planning around it. Got to be able to do you when needed. This will greatly reduce the pressure on you both and the relationship.

It's also the Hallmark of a healthy relationship between 2 people. It's not 2 circles on top of each other looking like a oval rather 2 rings with overlapping sides.



https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a7/Vesica_piscis_circles.svg/1200px-Vesica_piscis_circles.svg.png<div class="bqfade">click to expand

Are you saying you think he’s emotionally unavailable? Because he was very emotionally available to me and in general (I know because I’ve dated avoidants and he is definitely not that, we spoke about it and he is some combination of stable/anxious).

I think though he was mysterious and charming and independent, shy but had a subtle confidence that really drew me in. It’s like I wanted to convince him to like me, and of course he did become enamoured with me and I didn’t want to lose that.

Why do I get triggered into fear so much? I don’t know, but it’s definitely abandonment fear. The belief that I am not worthy, that this love and care is not to be trusted - and the MORE caring and loving someone is, the more afraid I become. It’s an unbearable catch 22.

He was so loving and caring, so consistent, would always say things like “I just want to gain your trust back again and forgive myself”, and it’s my fault that I wasn’t more gentle with him. He was too hard on himself. I wish I could go back in time and fix things.

Thank you for your words, I know I just need to wait and see what happens. I hope to God I can be patient and try not to ruin things further. I’m tempted to reach out and tell him I miss him, but I know he’ll only see this as manipulation.

I’m already worried I’ve ruined it completely with some messages I sent before these sweeter ones, so I hope I haven’t pushed him away for good.

I’ve been in denial before when things have ended, but I can never forgive myself for it ending when they are as sweet as he is, and I feel like he was the sweetest man/boy I’ve ever met. This is not an exaggeration.

Sigh 😢

You have to do you!

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

@alexscaries

He said he used to have depression, really badly and had to see a therapist for it. He mentioned something about his intense feelings for me making him feel unstable especially in the last week - and one time after a disagreement he said he had been crying for hours and drinking. That was the first time I had heard of him drinking alone to deal with an issue, I don’t think he normally does that.

In our last call he mumbled something about how he thought he was better but that some things never change and that he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Other issues: he can’t handle with disappointing people (feels extreme guilt), I am worried I abused this due to my potential borderline personality disorder and insecurities, at the same time I loved how sincere he was and how much he cared.

This is why I love people with BPD. Your hearts are really on your sleeves. So open and caring even when you feel wrong in your own right. You still think of the other.

BPD are people who have very high sensitivity bordering on empathic. What makes it a disorder and BPD is lack of emotional control and filters. That latter out of survival from childhood. Taking others needs and desires. People pleasing and mirroring to be liked and accepted. This causes issues with Personal barriers to others. All connections are a 2-way Street. That's what attracts others. The ease of connection and attachment.

Listen to him. This isn't just about his own wellbeing and mental health but yours. Especially with Libra moon. I'm guessing you pretzel yourself for others and have emotional backlashes. He does too in his own way. Virgo kick their own ass harder then anyone else can. That virgo sun, he doesn't see it working as he is and most likely see the effect it has on you and blames himself. It's a Virgo thing.



And drop the BPD title. Don't get caught up in that definition and trapped in it through belief. Focus on selfawareness to understand yourself without defining yourself it that way. A lot of the qualities of "BPD" can actually be expressed in a healthy way. It boils down to coping mechanism, personal boundaries you have to set for yourself, and selfawareness. Limit who you share yourself with and how much.

If you want to do something for him, give him a goal of seeing you again when he gets better. IF you insist or he wants to try tell him could practice with you. Just has to be open about his feelings to confront things as they come. Call him on his shit basically. Lol There is no better way then with someone who can read you. There is a lot we don't see or have the desire to change until we are confronted by it's effects on others and confronted with consequences🙂

It's part of radical honesty and a way to treat bpd. Selfawareness, understood, and self love.

Thank you for your comment, and for saying things that helped me to understand the situation from his perspective and for not judging me. I’m feeling a lot of judgment on this thread and while it’s nice to have a reality check on ways I’ve been disillusioned, I also really know that he does care about me and that he just didn’t know how to handle my abandonment fears in a long distance relationship.

I think you are right that he blames himself. He said once in a phone call “I keep making mistakes, I keep upsetting you” and instead of reassuring him I just got triggered and upset because I’ve heard this so many times from men before. Usually when they say this it’s just the sign that they will leave.

I couldn’t explain to him properly that even if he was perfect, I’d still get triggered. Intensely. It’s a part of borderline / cPTSD / my extreme abandonment fears. I don’t even know if it’s borderline, because I don’t have this with friends. It’s only when I’m dating or in a romantic relationship with a man, that I feel this intense fear. It’s almost insufferable.

I know he cares about me, I know this is hard for him, but I just feel so sad and not ready to

let him go. The last time I texted him, I told him I wanted him to recover and feel better, and asked if I could check in with him closer to the Miami flight, if he’d be open to meeting me once he felt more stable. He surprisingly answered with “wouldn’t that make everything more last minute?” - I thought he would just say no, but maybe he’s considering it.

I replied and told him I could find a backup plan in case he doesn’t want to do it, that I’m asking around already and think there’ll be options, and that the flight will still be there if he decides he wants to see me. He hasn’t replied yet, so I’m really hoping he changes his mind. I think I’ll text him on his birthday this week just to show him I still care about him.

Do you think all hope is lost? Should I just give up on him and this? Has it gone already too far beyond redemption?

Not having sex for over a year or a romantic relationship is a real feat for someone with BPD. Good job!

The truth? Anything can happen. You left the door open and gave a invention. It's up to him at this point. Got to accept that. Relationships are a dance, takes 2. You have done your part. It's up to him.

Worse case scenario, you got good memories and a glimpse of what kind of partner you want and how you want to be treated🙂



......Like a clogged pipe. Either the blockage clears from the pressure or it gets backed up and overflows like Virgo here. That's the simplist way to describe what happened here.

I do have one suggestion as far as you 2 go. if he ends up seeing you and especially if you stay with him. Working is a part of life. Got to balance work and play. If he can't take the time off you have to be ok doing you until he is available when he is available. Can't be completely dependent on him to the point of forcibly disrupting his life in order to give you the attention you need. That's means a little planning. Knowing what's going on and planning around it. Got to be able to do you when needed. This will greatly reduce the pressure on you both and the relationship.

It's also the Hallmark of a healthy relationship between 2 people. It's not 2 circles on top of each other looking like a oval rather 2 rings with overlapping sides.

Are you saying you think he’s emotionally unavailable? Because he was very emotionally available to me and in general (I know because I’ve dated avoidants and he is definitely not that, we spoke about it and he is some combination of stable/anxious).

I think though he was mysterious and charming and independent, shy but had a subtle confidence that really drew me in. It’s like I wanted to convince him to like me, and of course he did become enamoured with me and I didn’t want to lose that.

Why do I get triggered into fear so much? I don’t know, but it’s definitely abandonment fear. The belief that I am not worthy, that this love and care is not to be trusted - and the MORE caring and loving someone is, the more afraid I become. It’s an unbearable catch 22.

He was so loving and caring, so consistent, would always say things like “I just want to gain your trust back again and forgive myself”, and it’s my fault that I wasn’t more gentle with him. He was too hard on himself. I wish I could go back in time and fix things.

Thank you for your words, I know I just need to wait and see what happens. I hope to God I can be patient and try not to ruin things further. I’m tempted to reach out and tell him I miss him, but I know he’ll only see this as manipulation.

I’m already worried I’ve ruined it completely with some messages I sent before these sweeter ones, so I hope I haven’t pushed him away for good.

I’ve been in denial before when things have ended, but I can never forgive myself for it ending when they are as sweet as he is, and I feel like he was the sweetest man/boy I’ve ever met. This is not an exaggeration.

Sigh 😢

click to expand

"stable/anxious"

look up insecure attachment style . Becoming more self confidence and better self esteem is the "cure" for this. It's what I realized I had going on some time ago myself. It's annoying. Causes inconsistency in display of affection and attention do to the above. I am over it and already passed it.

It's about consistency with a partner. Be consistent. Being enamored yourself would actually be a relief on his end.

Your choice to reach out. Just be honest how you feel, what you want to do about it, and ask his feelings on the matter. Hash it out if he is open to it.

Most importantly own your crap, don't blame it on BPD. Rather say it for what it is, you coming to terms with how much you like him and miss him. That's the simple truth of the matter without the BPD label. After all you like him for him not because you have bpd. Get what I'm trying to say?

Posted by turnthisshitoff

He doesn't have the means to fly to spain* or wherever and break and enter your home every time you get angry and ignore his texts. Virgo deal breakers.

I mean I live in Germany but at one point he was talking about coming to Spain (where I’m thinking of moving to if LA doesn’t work out) and he was going to sign up for a language course so he could live where I did.

When I brought that up as he broke things off he said he was worried about how impulsively he’s been acting.

Do you think once a Virgo has decided it’s over and they can’t do it, they stick to it and never turn back from it?

I think his excuse to not see you in the US was bullshit and an excuse to wiggle away from you. If you have BPD are you meds? Also for your mental health it's best you date someone near you.

@donnalibra

You mean which part? I don’t know, I definitely pushed him to his limit. I said something really hurtful to him in a fit of insecurity that pushed him over the edge. Even though I apologised a lot, he was crying for hours he said and had been drinking. He was exclaiming that he’s worried he’s not enough, that he can’t handle not being enough for me. The emotional risk for him was too high, and he said he would get too strong feelings for me if we spent this time together and that he can’t handle going back to long distance.

Do you think that’s bullshit? I don’t know. He claims it’s not about how he feels about me, it’s the situation. I’m just hurt he’s not open to options, like if the trip went really well, wouldn’t we find a way to be together?

That’s what I thought. I don’t know, it hurts a lot and I’m heartbroken. I honestly would’ve considered moving closer to him, because I want to live in the states and I’m over Europe.

Edit: no I’m not on meds, but I see a therapist and I’m doing dialectical behaviour therapy for the past few months.

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

@alexscaries

He said he used to have depression, really badly and had to see a therapist for it. He mentioned something about his intense feelings for me making him feel unstable especially in the last week - and one time after a disagreement he said he had been crying for hours and drinking. That was the first time I had heard of him drinking alone to deal with an issue, I don’t think he normally does that.

In our last call he mumbled something about how he thought he was better but that some things never change and that he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Other issues: he can’t handle with disappointing people (feels extreme guilt), I am worried I abused this due to my potential borderline personality disorder and insecurities, at the same time I loved how sincere he was and how much he cared.

This is why I love people with BPD. Your hearts are really on your sleeves. So open and caring even when you feel wrong in your own right. You still think of the other.

BPD are people who have very high sensitivity bordering on empathic. What makes it a disorder and BPD is lack of emotional control and filters. That latter out of survival from childhood. Taking others needs and desires. People pleasing and mirroring to be liked and accepted. This causes issues with Personal barriers to others. All connections are a 2-way Street. That's what attracts others. The ease of connection and attachment.

Listen to him. This isn't just about his own wellbeing and mental health but yours. Especially with Libra moon. I'm guessing you pretzel yourself for others and have emotional backlashes. He does too in his own way. Virgo kick their own ass harder then anyone else can. That virgo sun, he doesn't see it working as he is and most likely see the effect it has on you and blames himself. It's a Virgo thing.



And drop the BPD title. Don't get caught up in that definition and trapped in it through belief. Focus on selfawareness to understand yourself without defining yourself it that way. A lot of the qualities of "BPD" can actually be expressed in a healthy way. It boils down to coping mechanism, personal boundaries you have to set for yourself, and selfawareness. Limit who you share yourself with and how much.

If you want to do something for him, give him a goal of seeing you again when he gets better. IF you insist or he wants to try tell him could practice with you. Just has to be open about his feelings to confront things as they come. Call him on his shit basically. Lol There is no better way then with someone who can read you. There is a lot we don't see or have the desire to change until we are confronted by it's effects on others and confronted with consequences🙂

It's part of radical honesty and a way to treat bpd. Selfawareness, understood, and self love.

Thank you for your comment, and for saying things that helped me to understand the situation from his perspective and for not judging me. I’m feeling a lot of judgment on this thread and while it’s nice to have a reality check on ways I’ve been disillusioned, I also really know that he does care about me and that he just didn’t know how to handle my abandonment fears in a long distance relationship.

I think you are right that he blames himself. He said once in a phone call “I keep making mistakes, I keep upsetting you” and instead of reassuring him I just got triggered and upset because I’ve heard this so many times from men before. Usually when they say this it’s just the sign that they will leave.

I couldn’t explain to him properly that even if he was perfect, I’d still get triggered. Intensely. It’s a part of borderline / cPTSD / my extreme abandonment fears. I don’t even know if it’s borderline, because I don’t have this with friends. It’s only when I’m dating or in a romantic relationship with a man, that I feel this intense fear. It’s almost insufferable.

I know he cares about me, I know this is hard for him, but I just feel so sad and not ready to

let him go. The last time I texted him, I told him I wanted him to recover and feel better, and asked if I could check in with him closer to the Miami flight, if he’d be open to meeting me once he felt more stable. He surprisingly answered with “wouldn’t that make everything more last minute?” - I thought he would just say no, but maybe he’s considering it.

I replied and told him I could find a backup plan in case he doesn’t want to do it, that I’m asking around already and think there’ll be options, and that the flight will still be there if he decides he wants to see me. He hasn’t replied yet, so I’m really hoping he changes his mind. I think I’ll text him on his birthday this week just to show him I still care about him.

Do you think all hope is lost? Should I just give up on him and this? Has it gone already too far beyond redemption?

Not having sex for over a year or a romantic relationship is a real feat for someone with BPD. Good job!

The truth? Anything can happen. You left the door open and gave a invention. It's up to him at this point. Got to accept that. Relationships are a dance, takes 2. You have done your part. It's up to him.

Worse case scenario, you got good memories and a glimpse of what kind of partner you want and how you want to be treated🙂



Seriously why do you actually feel this way in romantic relationships? Yes yes I know what BPD is like first hand. Your emotional wellbeing is affected by your partners' and vis versa. It's why people who are emotionally unavailable are so appealing at first. They are safe. Yet you desire connection Libra moon. You are not honoring your emotional needs so have a splitting episode or become combative and needy.

And again people who have bpd are really appealing because of their loving and kind nature. The intensity you bring builds a attachment few people can handle... especially people who are emotionally unavailable. You will trigger them if their is a connection. It's only natural. Like a clogged pipe. Either the blockage clears from the pressure or it gets backed up and overflows like Virgo here. That's the simplist way to describe what happened here.

I do have one suggestion as far as you 2 go. if he ends up seeing you and especially if you stay with him. Working is a part of life. Got to balance work and play. If he can't take the time off you have to be ok doing you until he is available when he is available. Can't be completely dependent on him to the point of forcibly disrupting his life in order to give you the attention you need. That's means a little planning. Knowing what's going on and planning around it. Got to be able to do you when needed. This will greatly reduce the pressure on you both and the relationship.

It's also the Hallmark of a healthy relationship between 2 people. It's not 2 circles on top of each other looking like a oval rather 2 rings with overlapping sides.

Are you saying you think he’s emotionally unavailable? Because he was very emotionally available to me and in general (I know because I’ve dated avoidants and he is definitely not that, we spoke about it and he is some combination of stable/anxious).

I’ve been in denial before when things have ended, but I can never forgive myself for it ending when they are as sweet as he is, and I feel like he was the sweetest man/boy I’ve ever met. This is not an exaggeration.

Sigh 😢

click to expand

I think you’re confusing emoting with emotional availability. Someone can be very sweet to you and talk to you about deep things and show you their sensitive side, while still not be able to connect to and show up for you emotionally. He’s telling you flat out how he’s feeling so I’d take it for what it is until he shows you otherwise. I think you feel your side of this very strongly, and it really sucks when the other person doesn’t feel as strongly.

You are the grown up of this pairing and you can't act maturely. You made a boy cry and drink. Is this what your relationship would look like? He has his whole life in front of him and you want to reel him into your Universe of uncontrolled, negative emotions. That sucks. I have a condition and take meds and because of bad past experiences and knowing my dark side I would never want someone to be forced into my darkness. It seems like you need a live doll to make you feel good. You should tackle this issue with a therapist. Dxp isn't your answer.

Posted by AbbyNormal

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

@alexscaries

He said he used to have depression, really badly and had to see a therapist for it. He mentioned something about his intense feelings for me making him feel unstable especially in the last week - and one time after a disagreement he said he had been crying for hours and drinking. That was the first time I had heard of him drinking alone to deal with an issue, I don’t think he normally does that.

In our last call he mumbled something about how he thought he was better but that some things never change and that he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Other issues: he can’t handle with disappointing people (feels extreme guilt), I am worried I abused this due to my potential borderline personality disorder and insecurities, at the same time I loved how sincere he was and how much he cared.

This is why I love people with BPD. Your hearts are really on your sleeves. So open and caring even when you feel wrong in your own right. You still think of the other.

BPD are people who have very high sensitivity bordering on empathic. What makes it a disorder and BPD is lack of emotional control and filters. That latter out of survival from childhood. Taking others needs and desires. People pleasing and mirroring to be liked and accepted. This causes issues with Personal barriers to others. All connections are a 2-way Street. That's what attracts others. The ease of connection and attachment.

Listen to him. This isn't just about his own wellbeing and mental health but yours. Especially with Libra moon. I'm guessing you pretzel yourself for others and have emotional backlashes. He does too in his own way. Virgo kick their own ass harder then anyone else can. That virgo sun, he doesn't see it working as he is and most likely see the effect it has on you and blames himself. It's a Virgo thing.



And drop the BPD title. Don't get caught up in that definition and trapped in it through belief. Focus on selfawareness to understand yourself without defining yourself it that way. A lot of the qualities of "BPD" can actually be expressed in a healthy way. It boils down to coping mechanism, personal boundaries you have to set for yourself, and selfawareness. Limit who you share yourself with and how much.

If you want to do something for him, give him a goal of seeing you again when he gets better. IF you insist or he wants to try tell him could practice with you. Just has to be open about his feelings to confront things as they come. Call him on his shit basically. Lol There is no better way then with someone who can read you. There is a lot we don't see or have the desire to change until we are confronted by it's effects on others and confronted with consequences🙂

It's part of radical honesty and a way to treat bpd. Selfawareness, understood, and self love.

Thank you for your comment, and for saying things that helped me to understand the situation from his perspective and for not judging me. I’m feeling a lot of judgment on this thread and while it’s nice to have a reality check on ways I’ve been disillusioned, I also really know that he does care about me and that he just didn’t know how to handle my abandonment fears in a long distance relationship.

I think you are right that he blames himself. He said once in a phone call “I keep making mistakes, I keep upsetting you” and instead of reassuring him I just got triggered and upset because I’ve heard this so many times from men before. Usually when they say this it’s just the sign that they will leave.

I couldn’t explain to him properly that even if he was perfect, I’d still get triggered. Intensely. It’s a part of borderline / cPTSD / my extreme abandonment fears. I don’t even know if it’s borderline, because I don’t have this with friends. It’s only when I’m dating or in a romantic relationship with a man, that I feel this intense fear. It’s almost insufferable.

I know he cares about me, I know this is hard for him, but I just feel so sad and not ready to

let him go. The last time I texted him, I told him I wanted him to recover and feel better, and asked if I could check in with him closer to the Miami flight, if he’d be open to meeting me once he felt more stable. He surprisingly answered with “wouldn’t that make everything more last minute?” - I thought he would just say no, but maybe he’s considering it.

I replied and told him I could find a backup plan in case he doesn’t want to do it, that I’m asking around already and think there’ll be options, and that the flight will still be there if he decides he wants to see me. He hasn’t replied yet, so I’m really hoping he changes his mind. I think I’ll text him on his birthday this week just to show him I still care about him.

Do you think all hope is lost? Should I just give up on him and this? Has it gone already too far beyond redemption?

Not having sex for over a year or a romantic relationship is a real feat for someone with BPD. Good job!

The truth? Anything can happen. You left the door open and gave a invention. It's up to him at this point. Got to accept that. Relationships are a dance, takes 2. You have done your part. It's up to him.

Worse case scenario, you got good memories and a glimpse of what kind of partner you want and how you want to be treated🙂



Seriously why do you actually feel this way in romantic relationships? Yes yes I know what BPD is like first hand. Your emotional wellbeing is affected by your partners' and vis versa. It's why people who are emotionally unavailable are so appealing at first. They are safe. Yet you desire connection Libra moon. You are not honoring your emotional needs so have a splitting episode or become combative and needy.

And again people who have bpd are really appealing because of their loving and kind nature. The intensity you bring builds a attachment few people can handle... especially people who are emotionally unavailable. You will trigger them if their is a connection. It's only natural. Like a clogged pipe. Either the blockage clears from the pressure or it gets backed up and overflows like Virgo here. That's the simplist way to describe what happened here.

I do have one suggestion as far as you 2 go. if he ends up seeing you and especially if you stay with him. Working is a part of life. Got to balance work and play. If he can't take the time off you have to be ok doing you until he is available when he is available. Can't be completely dependent on him to the point of forcibly disrupting his life in order to give you the attention you need. That's means a little planning. Knowing what's going on and planning around it. Got to be able to do you when needed. This will greatly reduce the pressure on you both and the relationship.

It's also the Hallmark of a healthy relationship between 2 people. It's not 2 circles on top of each other looking like a oval rather 2 rings with overlapping sides.

Are you saying you think he’s emotionally unavailable? Because he was very emotionally available to me and in general (I know because I’ve dated avoidants and he is definitely not that, we spoke about it and he is some combination of stable/anxious).

I’ve been in denial before when things have ended, but I can never forgive myself for it ending when they are as sweet as he is, and I feel like he was the sweetest man/boy I’ve ever met. This is not an exaggeration.

Sigh 😢

I think you’re confusing emoting with emotional availability. Someone can be very sweet to you and talk to you about deep things and show you their sensitive side, while still not be able to connect to and show up for you emotionally. He’s telling you flat out how he’s feeling so I’d take it for what it is until he shows you otherwise. I think you feel your side of this very strongly, and it really sucks when the other person doesn’t feel as strongly.

click to expand

Every man child on tinder can talk about deep things and emotions. Until they find the next bird to chase.

Posted by turnthisshitoff

Posted by frupachino

Posted by turnthisshitoff

He doesn't have the means to fly to spain* or wherever and break and enter your home every time you get angry and ignore his texts. Virgo deal breakers.

I mean I live in Germany but at one point he was talking about coming to Spain (where I’m thinking of moving to if LA doesn’t work out) and he was going to sign up for a language course so he could live where I did.

When I brought that up as he broke things off he said he was worried about how impulsively he’s been acting.

Do you think once a Virgo has decided it’s over and they can’t do it, they stick to it and never turn back from it?

No, definitely not. We're not like taurus where we will stick to some decision we made in the past purely because we made that fixed decision haha. But you can't rush him. He has to come to that conclusion on his own. I wont reach out to people if I think they don't want to hear from me. So what happened? He says he's worried about how impulsively he's been acting. Makes me think he might have thought you were all in so he was doing all these things, but did you say or do something that made him second guess how you feel? Did you make him feel stupid for thinking you were a way that was made up in his head?

click to expand

The way we were talking with each other was honestly like we were in a committed relationship. He’d message me saying things like “hello to the most beautiful woman in the world, how are you today?” And check in often with how I’d be feeling, he kept saying how he couldn’t wait to see me, it was all very mushy. The times he second guessed us was when I’d get triggered from insecurities. This is TMI but we had a sexy video chat and he lost his boner, then I got super insecure and said some really mean things, turns out he has an issue with ED and was afraid to tell me. That was when he spiralled and had the drinking alone session. The next day he called me to cancel the trip, he said he can’t risk it for his mental health right now. That if he sees me his feelings will only get stronger. I guess he became really unstable with this distance and tbh so did I, I just really thought if we met up we’d be so happy together and would find a way to be together if it worked out.

He hasn’t said “no” to my last message about me checking in with him later, but now I’m wondering if I should wait for him or if I should make other plans for my trip. Because I kind of need to act quickly if I want to do something else. It’s such a conundrum…

Posted by AbbyNormal

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

@alexscaries

He said he used to have depression, really badly and had to see a therapist for it. He mentioned something about his intense feelings for me making him feel unstable especially in the last week - and one time after a disagreement he said he had been crying for hours and drinking. That was the first time I had heard of him drinking alone to deal with an issue, I don’t think he normally does that.

In our last call he mumbled something about how he thought he was better but that some things never change and that he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Other issues: he can’t handle with disappointing people (feels extreme guilt), I am worried I abused this due to my potential borderline personality disorder and insecurities, at the same time I loved how sincere he was and how much he cared.

This is why I love people with BPD. Your hearts are really on your sleeves. So open and caring even when you feel wrong in your own right. You still think of the other.

BPD are people who have very high sensitivity bordering on empathic. What makes it a disorder and BPD is lack of emotional control and filters. That latter out of survival from childhood. Taking others needs and desires. People pleasing and mirroring to be liked and accepted. This causes issues with Personal barriers to others. All connections are a 2-way Street. That's what attracts others. The ease of connection and attachment.

Listen to him. This isn't just about his own wellbeing and mental health but yours. Especially with Libra moon. I'm guessing you pretzel yourself for others and have emotional backlashes. He does too in his own way. Virgo kick their own ass harder then anyone else can. That virgo sun, he doesn't see it working as he is and most likely see the effect it has on you and blames himself. It's a Virgo thing.



And drop the BPD title. Don't get caught up in that definition and trapped in it through belief. Focus on selfawareness to understand yourself without defining yourself it that way. A lot of the qualities of "BPD" can actually be expressed in a healthy way. It boils down to coping mechanism, personal boundaries you have to set for yourself, and selfawareness. Limit who you share yourself with and how much.

If you want to do something for him, give him a goal of seeing you again when he gets better. IF you insist or he wants to try tell him could practice with you. Just has to be open about his feelings to confront things as they come. Call him on his shit basically. Lol There is no better way then with someone who can read you. There is a lot we don't see or have the desire to change until we are confronted by it's effects on others and confronted with consequences🙂

It's part of radical honesty and a way to treat bpd. Selfawareness, understood, and self love.

Thank you for your comment, and for saying things that helped me to understand the situation from his perspective and for not judging me. I’m feeling a lot of judgment on this thread and while it’s nice to have a reality check on ways I’ve been disillusioned, I also really know that he does care about me and that he just didn’t know how to handle my abandonment fears in a long distance relationship.

I think you are right that he blames himself. He said once in a phone call “I keep making mistakes, I keep upsetting you” and instead of reassuring him I just got triggered and upset because I’ve heard this so many times from men before. Usually when they say this it’s just the sign that they will leave.

I couldn’t explain to him properly that even if he was perfect, I’d still get triggered. Intensely. It’s a part of borderline / cPTSD / my extreme abandonment fears. I don’t even know if it’s borderline, because I don’t have this with friends. It’s only when I’m dating or in a romantic relationship with a man, that I feel this intense fear. It’s almost insufferable.

I know he cares about me, I know this is hard for him, but I just feel so sad and not ready to

let him go. The last time I texted him, I told him I wanted him to recover and feel better, and asked if I could check in with him closer to the Miami flight, if he’d be open to meeting me once he felt more stable. He surprisingly answered with “wouldn’t that make everything more last minute?” - I thought he would just say no, but maybe he’s considering it.

I replied and told him I could find a backup plan in case he doesn’t want to do it, that I’m asking around already and think there’ll be options, and that the flight will still be there if he decides he wants to see me. He hasn’t replied yet, so I’m really hoping he changes his mind. I think I’ll text him on his birthday this week just to show him I still care about him.

Do you think all hope is lost? Should I just give up on him and this? Has it gone already too far beyond redemption?

Not having sex for over a year or a romantic relationship is a real feat for someone with BPD. Good job!

The truth? Anything can happen. You left the door open and gave a invention. It's up to him at this point. Got to accept that. Relationships are a dance, takes 2. You have done your part. It's up to him.

Worse case scenario, you got good memories and a glimpse of what kind of partner you want and how you want to be treated🙂



Seriously why do you actually feel this way in romantic relationships? Yes yes I know what BPD is like first hand. Your emotional wellbeing is affected by your partners' and vis versa. It's why people who are emotionally unavailable are so appealing at first. They are safe. Yet you desire connection Libra moon. You are not honoring your emotional needs so have a splitting episode or become combative and needy.

And again people who have bpd are really appealing because of their loving and kind nature. The intensity you bring builds a attachment few people can handle... especially people who are emotionally unavailable. You will trigger them if their is a connection. It's only natural. Like a clogged pipe. Either the blockage clears from the pressure or it gets backed up and overflows like Virgo here. That's the simplist way to describe what happened here.

I do have one suggestion as far as you 2 go. if he ends up seeing you and especially if you stay with him. Working is a part of life. Got to balance work and play. If he can't take the time off you have to be ok doing you until he is available when he is available. Can't be completely dependent on him to the point of forcibly disrupting his life in order to give you the attention you need. That's means a little planning. Knowing what's going on and planning around it. Got to be able to do you when needed. This will greatly reduce the pressure on you both and the relationship.

It's also the Hallmark of a healthy relationship between 2 people. It's not 2 circles on top of each other looking like a oval rather 2 rings with overlapping sides.

Are you saying you think he’s emotionally unavailable? Because he was very emotionally available to me and in general (I know because I’ve dated avoidants and he is definitely not that, we spoke about it and he is some combination of stable/anxious).

I’ve been in denial before when things have ended, but I can never forgive myself for it ending when they are as sweet as he is, and I feel like he was the sweetest man/boy I’ve ever met. This is not an exaggeration.

Sigh 😢

I think you’re confusing emoting with emotional availability. Someone can be very sweet to you and talk to you about deep things and show you their sensitive side, while still not be able to connect to and show up for you emotionally. He’s telling you flat out how he’s feeling so I’d take it for what it is until he shows you otherwise. I think you feel your side of this very strongly, and it really sucks when the other person doesn’t feel as strongly.

click to expand

The thing that sucks is that he really did show up for me emotionally. I cannot copy and paste all the texts and display the hours of calls and video calls we had in this forum chat, but I think I pushed him to his limit. I always do.

It’s the most painful when I push away even the loving sincere, available ones.

The pressure he puts on himself is very high, he said he couldn’t bear disappointing me — and because I’m jaded from dating unavailable men in the past, I tried to not act crazy and took time to reply after a disagreement, or talk to my therapist first before responding to him so I wouldn’t push him away. But I didn’t realise how sensitive he was and how he needed to know I didn’t hate him (those were his words). Maybe he really was telling me the truth when he said he just can’t do the distance relationship. He still claims he really wants to see me but can’t do the distance afterwards. I don’t know. I feel messed up from this.

Posted by frupachino

Posted by turnthisshitoff

Posted by frupachino

Posted by turnthisshitoff

He doesn't have the means to fly to spain* or wherever and break and enter your home every time you get angry and ignore his texts. Virgo deal breakers.

I mean I live in Germany but at one point he was talking about coming to Spain (where I’m thinking of moving to if LA doesn’t work out) and he was going to sign up for a language course so he could live where I did.

When I brought that up as he broke things off he said he was worried about how impulsively he’s been acting.

Do you think once a Virgo has decided it’s over and they can’t do it, they stick to it and never turn back from it?

No, definitely not. We're not like taurus where we will stick to some decision we made in the past purely because we made that fixed decision haha. But you can't rush him. He has to come to that conclusion on his own. I wont reach out to people if I think they don't want to hear from me. So what happened? He says he's worried about how impulsively he's been acting. Makes me think he might have thought you were all in so he was doing all these things, but did you say or do something that made him second guess how you feel? Did you make him feel stupid for thinking you were a way that was made up in his head?

The way we were talking with each other was honestly like we were in a committed relationship. He’d message me saying things like “hello to the most beautiful woman in the world, how are you today?” And check in often with how I’d be feeling, he kept saying how he couldn’t wait to see me, it was all very mushy. The times he second guessed us was when I’d get triggered from insecurities. This is TMI but we had a sexy video chat and he lost his boner, then I got super insecure and said some really mean things, turns out he has an issue with ED and was afraid to tell me. That was when he spiralled and had the drinking alone session. The next day he called me to cancel the trip, he said he can’t risk it for his mental health right now. That if he sees me his feelings will only get stronger. I guess he became really unstable with this distance and tbh so did I, I just really thought if we met up we’d be so happy together and would find a way to be together if it worked out.

He hasn’t said “no” to my last message about me checking in with him later, but now I’m wondering if I should wait for him or if I should make other plans for my trip. Because I kind of need to act quickly if I want to do something else. It’s such a conundrum…

click to expand

I see you need much growing up before entering in another relationship, that’s for damn sure. If you can’t see how detrimental that was, how insensitive and careless you were. You blew it, pure and simple. Move on. Leave this poor young man alone so he can meet someone who doesn’t shame him over something perfectly natural sometimes. You’re right, you lack empathy. Idk what else to say here…..

You won’t ever have a healthy relationship until you get yourself healthy and you know you’re far from. You will continue to self sabotage until you get the help you need.

Posted by GenericUsername

You are the grown up of this pairing and you can't act maturely. You made a boy cry and drink. Is this what your relationship would look like? He has his whole life in front of him and you want to reel him into your Universe of uncontrolled, negative emotions. That sucks. I have a condition and take meds and because of bad past experiences and knowing my dark side I would never want someone to be forced into my darkness. It seems like you need a live doll to make you feel good. You should tackle this issue with a therapist. Dxp isn't your answer.

Does that mean you have chosen to never date again? What is your answer or approach for yourself there?

Honestly, the comment about the live doll hits a nerve because sometimes I truly worry about that. I’m so insecure that I feel threatened by others’ autonomy and sexuality. Eg- this guy is bisexual (so am I), but that made me automatically assume he’d prefer to be with a man over me if he didn’t seem super into me on a video call etc. I wish I could just let others be and not read into everything they do or think, and have enough confidence to know that I’m enough for them. I know that this is the core issue of it… but it isn’t so easy to change. Even with a therapist and self improvement.

Posted by frupachino

He hasn’t said “no” to my last message about me checking in with him later, but now I’m wondering if I should wait for him or if I should make other plans for my trip. Because I kind of need to act quickly if I want to do something else. It’s such a conundrum…

He's already told you no and made his decision. He is prolly getting tired of repeating himself! You don't want to accept his decision and keep looking for a way to manipulate things to have the situation suit your needs. He doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't want to do long distance. He doesn't want to travel with you or see you or even speak to you.

You don't want to listen to him or anyone in this thread. So maybe you will listen to his myriad of 'no's' in your own words...

Posted by frupachino

he now claims he can’t meet me on this roadtrip... he can’t deal with long distance... he seems to have made up his mind and is now refusing to speak to me.

Posted by frupachino

he isn’t open to the possibilities of us being closer.

He said he won’t be changing his mind on his decision

Posted by frupachino

Last time I asked him he was very cold. I just feel pathetic at this point, it’s like he says he’s afraid of his feelings for me but isn’t even open to the option of us living closer together. He says he can’t go back to months of this long distance thing.

Posted by frupachino

finally he just snapped and said he can’t do this.

Posted by frupachino

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

click to expand

Make a plan for yourself that doesn't include him in your travel plans. Because holding onto false hope rn is just going to fuck you up more and you won't be able to blame him for it because he was honest and upfront with you and you refused to accept it.

Posted by ImperfectStorm

“…..but he’s also completely fucked me over financially.”

This is what you need to keep at the forefront of your mind, above all else. Did he offer to pay you back at least half since he flaked out on you last minute?

Be careful with flaky people and how much (time, money AND energy) you’re willing to invest in them.

Also believe what he says.. if he’s saying he won’t change his mind, take his word for it. He’ll know better than we will. Don’t invest even more time and energy trying to change his mind… I’d say you’ve invested (and lost) enough already. Do not beg someone to come back after they’ve made the decision to walk away from you.

Lord, I didn’t even see this part…..

To quote AbbyNormal “ I see you need much growing up before entering in another relationship, that’s for damn sure. If you can’t see how detrimental that was, how insensitive and careless you were. You blew it, pure and simple. Move on. Leave this poor young man alone so he can meet someone who doesn’t shame him over something perfectly natural sometimes. You’re right, you lack empathy. Idk what else to say here…..

You won’t ever have a healthy relationship until you get yourself healthy and you know you’re far from. You will continue to self sabotage until you get the help you need.”

Boom!💥 what the serious fuck?? Who does that to another human? You are in no way ready for a relationship with anyone. And long distance where you have to be super stable? No way. I’m glad you’re in therapy because you need it. Leave this guy alone and get your shit straight.

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by frupachino

He hasn’t said “no” to my last message about me checking in with him later, but now I’m wondering if I should wait for him or if I should make other plans for my trip. Because I kind of need to act quickly if I want to do something else. It’s such a conundrum…

He's already told you no and made his decision. He is prolly getting tired of repeating himself! You don't want to accept his decision and keep looking for a way to manipulate things to have the situation suit your needs. He doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't want to do long distance. He doesn't want to travel with you or see you or even speak to you.

You don't want to listen to him or anyone in this thread. So maybe you will listen to his myriad of 'no's' in your own words...

Posted by frupachino

he now claims he can’t meet me on this roadtrip... he can’t deal with long distance... he seems to have made up his mind and is now refusing to speak to me.

Posted by frupachino

he isn’t open to the possibilities of us being closer.

He said he won’t be changing his mind on his decision

Posted by frupachino

Last time I asked him he was very cold. I just feel pathetic at this point, it’s like he says he’s afraid of his feelings for me but isn’t even open to the option of us living closer together. He says he can’t go back to months of this long distance thing.

Posted by frupachino

finally he just snapped and said he can’t do this.

Posted by frupachino

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Make a plan for yourself that doesn't include him in your travel plans. Because holding onto false hope rn is just going to fuck you up more and you won't be able to blame him for it because he was honest and upfront with you and you refused to accept it.

click to expand

This. I don't know how stubborn one has to be, to keep repeating "we have something special" when the man already said no many times. Can't take no for an answer? Yikes!

@geminiflyby

I am not saying it was nice and I regretted it immensely and apologised profusely. The thing I said was one comment that was a worry of mine (if he was more into men than women), I was looking for answers but it was said in a terrible way. Honestly I never would’ve let this sort of thing affect me in the past —I know it’s normal and natural for it it to happen—- but I dated a demisexual guy once which took a toll on my self esteem (it was a very weird experience) as well as guys who weren’t into me physically so it touched an insecure nerve. I should not have taken it out on him or voiced my secret insecurity.

I wish I could take it back, I really do. I hate that I treated him this way.

I just want to point out that if the genders were swapped here and you were a man refusing to respect a woman’s ‘no’ we would probably label you as creepy and predatory and patronizing. Especially with the age gap.

If he changes his mind he knows how to contact you.

Posted by frupachino

@geminiflyby

I am not saying it was nice and I regretted it immensely and apologised profusely. The thing I said was one comment that was a worry of mine (if he was more into men than women), I was looking for answers but it was said in a terrible way. Honestly I never would’ve let this sort of thing affect me in the past —I know it’s normal and natural for it it to happen—- but I dated a demisexual guy once which took a toll on my self esteem (it was a very weird experience) as well as guys who weren’t into me physically so it touched an insecure nerve. I should not have taken it out on him or voiced my secret insecurity.

I wish I could take it back, I really do. I hate that I treated him this way.

You’ll never live (or be happy) in the present until you get out of your past.

Posted by AbbyNormal

Posted by Damnata

I don't know what the hell is up with Taurus women when it comes to Virgo men but I have seen this scenario play on DXP for more than 10 years now.

Very very few Taurus women actually come on this board with a clear mind...the majority is absolutely delusional and persistent in their delusion to the point where it's the other party's fault for whatever they have conjured up in their head as the reality.

4 pages later you still talk about how you BOTH felt deeply. No, you did NOT both feel deeply. Virgos get zero credit for the strength of feeling but this is one sign that can do long distance and can actually do a lot if they are in love so all those excuses mean jackshit.

This has nothing to do with abandonment issues or borderline personality disorder - you are adamant that what YOU felt constitutes absolute reality and I really doubt anyone writing anything can sway you from that perspective so in the words of the great P-Angel..suffer as you wish.

OMG OMG OMGGGGGGG Lambie!!!!! Missed you Damnata!!! So glad to see your reasonable beauty here again ❤️

Ps. I was trying to say something nice and flattering and it just kinda fell flat lol sorry—my minds not firing on call calendars today 😵‍💫

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Hey you!

How's it going?!?!!

No more reddit gifts 😭(((((((

Thank you for the warm welcome, I feel like a stranger around here haha when I drop from time to time.

Even in this thread you are blindly trying to convince us that you are right. I know that most of us sound rigid and unfriendly, but in essence we are not. It's just that our experiences shaped us into what we are today. I am sure that every woman has a little girl inside longing for a Prince Charming and would without hesitation move mountains for a love most epic in this and all parallel Universes. But your story is not realistic. You came across a young man and spilt all of your problems on him, expecting him to make them his whole world. You willingly decided to go on a 2 months long trip to another continent stating that you might want to move there with your life and career, but in reality all you want is him. It's stupid and selfish. Leave him alone and sort yourself and your life. You lived 32 years before he came along.