They always leave me feeling unfulfilled

Let me start off by saying, no negativity please. I don't need additional crap. You will be blocked. Just understanding is needed.

I've spend the past several weeks focusing on other areas of my life and with this upcoming surgery, that will definitely take my focus which I am grateful for. But there are still those days which happen more often than I'd like where I find myself thinking about my sadness turned into unfulfillment and confusion.

I haven't been able to successfully keep my distance as I still see him all the time without even trying or his name gets brought up indirectly in reference to another situation so it ends up being an every day occurance where he's involved directly or indirectly. To refresh, we talk occassionally when in each other's presence. He has some social inadequacies such as he still focuses only on one person in a group setting to the point where he literally will shut out every other person around in a group conversation outside of the person he is directly speaking to when he should learn to have better ettiquette and speak to "everyone". He claims to not be shy anymore but anyone with any social experience knows how to address multiple people at the same time.

I'm starting to understand his hangups better so I don't feel like its a personal attack or a personal let down anymore which is probably why I'm just more unfulled than sad these days because of him. The other problem is we still continue to make assumptions (him especially) about the other wants and prefers. He's so used to conceding to other people so he naturally does what he thinks the other person wants based on past experiences with some shitty people he has known in his life.

I'm a communicator. I want to know why someone chooses to do something. If they are upset with me I want to know why. I don't want space while you "get over it". That's not helpful for me, and that's what happened in the past. So I'm slowly trying to get him to learn how to express himselves since in a more than surface level sort of way and to not so much get space and then move past it while I"m still confused.

I'm also learning to try hard at being more direct at what I feel. I am a direct person, but with him I quickly resort to not really explaining myself and what happens is he gets the wrong perception of what I really want. I'm also learning to not shut him out as it became a learned habit when things were worse before. But it hasn't been enough because he still doesn't inquire much about me unless I tell him about something related to me first then he'll throw 100 questions at me but if I don't offer up or share anything with him first...he won't inquire about it even if he heard about my situations.

I've accepted the fact that what I saw as the old him (even though he insists he didn't change when he did) will never be what it was. I'm okay with it now.

But if I can manage being more direct, not shutting him out due to learned habits, and finding my old life motivation...I can see things healing and no longer my main life confusion.

Aquas are always hard to read.

Don't change who YOU are just for him. If you want to change anything about yourself, then do it because YOU want to and because you are working on improving yourself.

Sometimes all we need to be happy is a new perspective on life and other people. Occasionally, we (as humans) focus too much on ourselves and our personal interpretation of events, we forget to notice how someone else interprets the same event in a different way. Learning how to see other points of view is a good way to begin not to take things personally and an excellent way to see the world through different glasses. It takes training and hard work, but you gradually become happier.

And, I know, what I just said has nothing to do with the aquarius guy. 🙂

Good luck with your surgery, hope it all goes well.

@truecap

I'm not necessarily changing myself becuase of him. I changed ORIGINALLY because of him. The old me was this shy girl who was happy who appreciated all the nice things that people did for her. Then it became an expectation which lead to the disappointment of his "FAILURES". The constant disappointment was created by the expectations. The constant disappointment created bitterness which created learned habits.

I don't necessarily like the thoughts I have about him (Sometimes they are thoughts of having distrust of him). I find myself not having faith in him. I'm a martyr now as someone here on dpx puts it. I decline invites with people just becuase I was told last minute especially if other people were told ahead of time. I loved being that shy coy girl because everything was glass half full.

Sure I'm more confident in an opinionated sort of way but there's a down side to that...a side that brings condenscencion, cynicism/pessimism, martyrdom etc. That's not me but the pain brought that out in me to the point where its a habit that has been hard to control.

The other reason why I want to change is becuase if I'm right about some assumptions, our unspoken comfortableness with each other (u know the kind that long term couples have when the other doesn't try hard) not that we are a couple but we've always had that weird comfortableness with each other but what it led to was how our actions are affected by how the other person acts. If I'm an ass, then he acts like an ass. If i'm quiet then he gets quiet. If I'm motivated and on fire...then he acts the same.

He also has alot of social hangups and alot of it has to do with assumptions of what women want and what his parents "taught" him. They were hard on him and his siblings. He may not always agree with it but he sticks to his habits becuase as he puts it...that's all he's ever known. But if I am the one person that can help him improve his social ettiquitte without hurting his feelings then I can do so by being the example for him to follow.

That will give me some motivation and something to look forward to and as a result maybe he will be less awkward and insecure around people he doesn't know well. I don't remember who told me but m aybe that's why he has a tendency to invite me but not necessarily engage with me.

I'm his security blanket but at the same time since I'm different person than before...he doesn't know how to relate anymore.

I could be wron

I could be wrong. But I am definitely his security blanket.

What I'm hoping to gain is a new perspective. A happier perspective. A life with things to look forward to and strive for. My siblings said to me a while back that I dont' say much anymore even when in the presence of the entire family. I don't say much. I'm disengaged but not necessarily withdrawn.

That I've stopped talking about things going on in my life. That I'm more lost in thougth than anything else.

I didn't tell them exactly why but all this has created was a sad, unfulfilled and guarded individual that feels slighted.

I need to change that. I need to change me into who I want to be becuase this BLAHness has taken over far too long.

Admit this is your own problem first and foremost and stop dragging his behaviour into all of this. You can only make right what is within yourself, if that includes cutting this Aqua off then so be it.

He is not you so don't expect him to function and think or feel like you, if you say you have established this then things should get better.

This isn't negative at all, but if you really read between the lines of your posts for ever problem you want to change that you acknowledge, there's a counterpoint against him.

First off, good luck with the surgery! I hope your health is on the mend or will be soon. I think you're making a mistake most women have made at some point and that is seeing yourself as a person reflected thru the eyes of your partner. But his issues are not your issues and vise versa. We think we can merge these things but really we can't. The best we can do is work on our own issues and be supportive of the issues of our partner. But to believe that you need to be a different way to better please your partner is not approaching relationships the right way. Yes, it does matter how he feels, what he likes and dislikes if you're his GF but that doesn't mean you live simply to be pleasing to him. It's like you're making your happiness dependent on his happiness and approval. It doesn't work that way. Be with this man if you want to be with this man but don't let what you think of him thinking of you define you. Only you get to define you unless you're not strong enough to do that for yourself. And of course you are. This isn't about love. This about taking control of your own happiness and so having that to share with others. My suggestion-make this man less important to you for the time being. The more you can find happiness or peace within, the less you'll go looking for it without and feeling more lost because you're looking in the wrong place. No man can make you happy. But you can make yourself happy. That's the ticket. And good luck with the surgery and the relationship.

Posted by IAmMystified
Just understanding is needed.

Posted by IAmMystified
He has some social inadequacies ...

he still focuses only on one person in a group setting ...

he should learn to have better ettiquette and speak to "everyone".

... anyone with any social experience knows how to address multiple people at the same time.

I'm ... unfulled

sad ...

because of him.


The other problem is ...

(him especially)...

He's so used to conceding to other people...

I don't want space while you "get over it".

That's not helpful for me

I'm... trying to get him to learn ...

click to expand

He's so used to conceding to other people...

Do you think you may be perpetuating this?

Posted by Este8
First off, good luck with the surgery! I hope your health is on the mend or will be soon. I think you're making a mistake most women have made at some point and that is seeing yourself as a person reflected thru the eyes of your partner. But his issues are not your issues and vise versa. We think we can merge these things but really we can't. The best we can do is work on our own issues and be supportive of the issues of our partner. But to believe that you need to be a different way to better please your partner is not approaching relationships the right way. Yes, it does matter how he feels, what he likes and dislikes if you're his GF but that doesn't mean you live simply to be pleasing to him. It's like you're making your happiness dependent on his happiness and approval. It doesn't work that way. Be with this man if you want to be with this man but don't let what you think of him thinking of you define you. Only you get to define you unless you're not strong enough to do that for yourself. And of course you are. This isn't about love. This about taking control of your own happiness and so having that to share with others. My suggestion-make this man less important to you for the time being. The more you can find happiness or peace within, the less you'll go looking for it without and feeling more lost because you're looking in the wrong place. No man can make you happy. But you can make yourself happy. That's the ticket. And good luck with the surgery and the relationship.

Sorry I didn't respond early enough. I had to go to lunch then I had to submit this medical form for the surgery then I found out I have to have a 2nd consultation based on an original referral. But I get why. It's oral surgery. It's not a straight wisdom tooth extraction. Got more complicated than the average case. At least I get to be sedated LOL.

I totally get the mergedness of the situation but thats what one of the biggest problems in the situation is. HE made it a merged situation from day 1. He had this established approach even if we're just friends of a "we" "we" "we" thing. We aren't dating but he keeps treating it like there's some partnership there. It's my fault that I didn't do anything about it but its comfortable. But that's kind of where the neglect started. When you get comfortable in whatever relationship y9ou have with someone, t

@Montgomery

If you mean am I making it worse then yes I guess your right. I'm expecting him to change and "concede" like everyone else does. Yes yes. You got me there. 😐

@este8

Sorry it cut the satement off. I was saying:

Sorry I didn't respond early enough. I had to go to lunch then I had to submit this medical form for the surgery then I found out I have to have a 2nd consultation based on an original referral. But I get why. It's oral surgery. It's not a straight wisdom tooth extraction. Got more complicated than the average case. At least I get to be sedated LOL.

I totally get the mergedness of the situation but thats what one of the biggest problems in the situation is. HE made it a merged situation from day 1. He had this established approach even if we're just friends of a "we" "we" "we" thing. We aren't dating but he keeps treating it like there's some partnership there. It's my fault that I didn't do anything about it but its comfortable. But that's kind of where the neglect started. When you get comfortable in whatever relationship y9ou have with someone, there seems to be less effort/excitment there. That's what happened. I hated it, and all of that led to the arguments.

But like I said in the post above to @truecap. I'm not necessarily changing FOR him in some ways, it's for me in the end. One of the biggest things that's a source is the learned behavior that I have now. I'm angry at him for the "failures" as I put it. 1/2 him 1/2 me created. But nonetheless I'm STILL angry. I've forgiven him in some ways but I'm still not over it completely. I still have distrust thoughts about him and for me to find balance whenever he's around, I have to learn to let go. But I can't in some ways let go until he changes his expectations of me so I can be myself comfortably and not deal with his "We" reactions to things. Sure I can't change him but the only way he'll change is by me being the example. It's a weird cyclical thing and I don't know how to best explain it other than sayiing if I even fake being happy...then he'll change his expectations and then he'll be easier to be around...and then I'll be actually happier instead of faking it. HOpe that makes sense.

IAM I'm confused. What exactly is it that you want?

You seem so immersed in him and that can also cause and create distance and conflict.

I just wander why you're so involved in a one sided situation. You don't desire negativity but you definitely in my opinion need a harsh reality check.

The energy you spend on a situation that continues to cycle in and out into nothing could be well spent on a man that truly desires to give you his all in return.

Posted by IAmMystified
@Montgomery

If you mean am I making it worse then yes I guess your right. I'm expecting him to change and "concede" like everyone else does. Yes yes. You got me there. 😐

Well... it doesn't have to be that way.

Posted by IAmMystified
... I can't change him

but

the only way he'll change is ...

click to expand

Did you catch that? lol

Tiki may be onto something with the idea of a reality check.

Expectations-- they put waaay too much pressure on you/him/the relationship.

*shrugs*

We've all been there.

He leaves you unfullfilled, you say. It's not up to him to make you feel fullfilled. It's up to you to find your own fullfillment and you have to do that on your own. Your own hobbies, your own career, your own life your own happiness is up to you - that's all on you.

It's a lot of responsibility to make someone feel fullfilled. He's only your friend, right? Why would he be given this responsibility? My friends aren't required make me feel fullfilled. My boyfriend doesn't make me feel fullfilled. I do this on my own with my own accomplishments and achieving my own goals.

@sugarfoot

Because the "we" thing drags me back. I could tell him to knock it off but he'd just deny ever doing it in the first place.

I can just cut it off if he didn't know the same people I did. That's one way I have healed in the past is totally cutting people out of my life but in this instance I can't unless I cut out all of the people we have in common.

@Scorp

He definitely has this vibe about him that oozes indifference/coldness that people seem to associate with aquas and I know aquas aren't totally trying to act like that. It isn't so much those behaviors that rile me up and when he does that it's because he's focused on something in his life which I understand now.

It's just the way i mentioned before that he puts me in this "we" label all the time but doesn't fully commit to the label he places. If I truly am his other half in a platonic sense or whatever sense he means, then he has to totally live that label. But then it's like a carrot dangling. I don't know if that makes sense.

I never asked to be his security blanket or the person he has to have around for whatever reason and I definitely didn't asked to get ignored. But now he has me in this category which affects the way he treats me. It's always been different than everyone else even since day 1. I don't want to be treated differently than everyone else if its going to always feel like this.

When you say "he made it a merged" situation, you're kind of disempowering yourself there. I mean you could have said, no, let's take time to get to know each other. What I think you're really feeling is "taken in" by his sweet talk and wanting to spend so much time in the beginning. If anything, coming on really strong in the beginning is a red flag. It reeks of either desperation or calculation on his part. Either way, you shouldn't let a man rush you into a relationship. Take your time and get to know him.

Posted by IAmMystified
Let me start off by saying, no negativity please. I don't need additional crap. You will be blocked. Just understanding is needed.

I've spend the past several weeks focusing on other areas of my life and with this upcoming surgery, that will definitely take my focus which I am grateful for. But there are still those days which happen more often than I'd like where I find myself thinking about my sadness turned into unfulfillment and confusion.

I haven't been able to successfully keep my distance as I still see him all the time without even trying or his name gets brought up indirectly in reference to another situation so it ends up being an every day occurance where he's involved directly or indirectly. To refresh, we talk occassionally when in each other's presence. He has some social inadequacies such as he still focuses only on one person in a group setting to the point where he literally will shut out every other person around in a group conversation outside of the person he is directly speaking to when he should learn to have better ettiquette and speak to "everyone". He claims to not be shy anymore but anyone with any social experience knows how to address multiple people at the same time.

I'm starting to understand his hangups better so I don't feel like its a personal attack or a personal let down anymore which is probably why I'm just more unfulled than sad these days because of him. The other problem is we still continue to make assumptions (him especially) about the other wants and prefers. He's so used to conceding to other people so he naturally does what he thinks the other person wants based on past experiences with some shitty people he has known in his life.

I'm a communicator. I want to know why someone chooses to do something. If they are upset with me I want to know why. I don't want space while you "get over it". That's not helpful for me, and that's what happened in the past. So I'm slowly trying to get him to learn how to express himselves since in a more than surface level sort of way and to not so much get space and then move past it while I"m still confused.

Youre a communicater huh? You must have alot of air and air houses.

Well, for me i hate distance and not having any sure way of being solid in a relationship.......

I have not looked at the rest of the topic but men who run away an

Are a big fat no no.