idoru77
@idoru77
14 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 19 · Topics: 1
Aries man broke up with me, devastated
You are on page out of 2 | Reverse Order
A bit more info since I got cut off--
I realize that I was pushing him for more "signs" that he loved me--but not noticing all the little things he would do. Instead I focused on some really stupid things--like public acknowledgement (Facebook photos), or indirectly implying that being engaged would make me feel like he really loved me. But the real issue was not these things--those wouldn't help--it is my own security within that needs to be addressed first.
Even on Wed, during the breakup, I was still saying things like "if you did X I would feel better" instead of saying, wow, I have been a real bitch to you and I need to work on my own issues.
He is a filmmaker, and his work involves lots of travel and quite frankly, long hours...and yes, some charm and fliratious behavior. He is probably scared half to death I can't be with him long term since I can't handle a week with him away and I think he is questioning whether I am the one--whether this is all worth it--and whether to get out now. To be fair, if I am not the one and he knows it...I can't wait around forever if I want children and marriage, given my age.
I happen to look a lot younger and attract younger men, but at the end of the day, my biology is my biology. So I get all that.
but I feel like he is the one and we are a really good match and if the security issue was addressed on my end, and I could make him feel like he can make me happy...things would be good.
He did tell me he thought that, too. He also said that he couldn't imagine life without me.
According to friends he is miserable right now.
BTW he is staying down where his work is, and all of his things are in the apartment. He moved in here.
We have had NO CONTACT and this is very hard for me.
I am lost. Is this forever over? I want to explain to him what I realize but am afraid he will think, nothing will change.
I realize that I was pushing him for more "signs" that he loved me--but not noticing all the little things he would do. Instead I focused on some really stupid things--like public acknowledgement (Facebook photos), or indirectly implying that being engaged would make me feel like he really loved me. But the real issue was not these things--those wouldn't help--it is my own security within that needs to be addressed first.
Even on Wed, during the breakup, I was still saying things like "if you did X I would feel better" instead of saying, wow, I have been a real bitch to you and I need to work on my own issues.
He is a filmmaker, and his work involves lots of travel and quite frankly, long hours...and yes, some charm and fliratious behavior. He is probably scared half to death I can't be with him long term since I can't handle a week with him away and I think he is questioning whether I am the one--whether this is all worth it--and whether to get out now. To be fair, if I am not the one and he knows it...I can't wait around forever if I want children and marriage, given my age.
I happen to look a lot younger and attract younger men, but at the end of the day, my biology is my biology. So I get all that.
but I feel like he is the one and we are a really good match and if the security issue was addressed on my end, and I could make him feel like he can make me happy...things would be good.
He did tell me he thought that, too. He also said that he couldn't imagine life without me.
According to friends he is miserable right now.
BTW he is staying down where his work is, and all of his things are in the apartment. He moved in here.
We have had NO CONTACT and this is very hard for me.
I am lost. Is this forever over? I want to explain to him what I realize but am afraid he will think, nothing will change.
sorry - haven't read the whole thing...but you say he cheated on you because he "got scared"... OFFS.
Keep it real honey - this is the Aries board. Flip him a bird and move on.
Find your real "THE ONE" (who can keep it in his pants) or pop along to the relationship board where they will tell you that you get more than just one "THE ONE". Whatever.
You can't make someone else happy and self worth has to come from inside yourself. I think that's why they call it SELF worth.
Keep it real honey - this is the Aries board. Flip him a bird and move on.
Find your real "THE ONE" (who can keep it in his pants) or pop along to the relationship board where they will tell you that you get more than just one "THE ONE". Whatever.
You can't make someone else happy and self worth has to come from inside yourself. I think that's why they call it SELF worth.
Hi there. Yes, he did the cheating in the first two months of being together. Totally faithful since, and I believe that.
I am a virgo, with libra rising, but very emotional. He is pieces rising.
Yes, he did the breaking up--after a great many horrible weeks for us and after my initial break up where we got back together, and he said he loves me more than anything in the world.
I do agree that he thinks it is best, but I think the reasons he thinks it is the best is because I haven't been able to be secure and haven't stopped some of my behavior. I know I need time alone to work this out, but I believe if he knew that I had come to this conclusion that it would change things.
When I asked him after the breakup if he thought he would change his mind, he cried and said "I don't know."
Am I just being hopeful?
I am a virgo, with libra rising, but very emotional. He is pieces rising.
Yes, he did the breaking up--after a great many horrible weeks for us and after my initial break up where we got back together, and he said he loves me more than anything in the world.
I do agree that he thinks it is best, but I think the reasons he thinks it is the best is because I haven't been able to be secure and haven't stopped some of my behavior. I know I need time alone to work this out, but I believe if he knew that I had come to this conclusion that it would change things.
When I asked him after the breakup if he thought he would change his mind, he cried and said "I don't know."
Am I just being hopeful?
"..He is pieces rising..."
Yup, this is how he cheated
Yup, this is how he cheated
Bluemoon, yes--let me tell you, we have obviously hard some hard times, but when things have been good...my god, are they good.
We really had a very deep, very strong bond--I am 37 and have had great relationships in the past, but he is the most intense, best. Most in common with me, etc.
At this point,where my head is at...is that I realize he thinks this is best.
but he doesn't know what I have come to the conclusion of, which is I finally get why the issues never ended, my security needs to be worked on by me. I am looking into counseling and joined a boot camp class--things to make me feel stronger.
I want to tell him all these things...but how? Will they make a difference?
We really had a very deep, very strong bond--I am 37 and have had great relationships in the past, but he is the most intense, best. Most in common with me, etc.
At this point,where my head is at...is that I realize he thinks this is best.
but he doesn't know what I have come to the conclusion of, which is I finally get why the issues never ended, my security needs to be worked on by me. I am looking into counseling and joined a boot camp class--things to make me feel stronger.
I want to tell him all these things...but how? Will they make a difference?
One last bit of info (all you Aries must really be amused with Virgos, 😉).
He did the breaking off during a week where he was filming 18-hr days, hadn't slept, was basically living at his office, which has a couch. He does this when filming, and he had this intense summer program--really he was in a bad, stressed out state.
I kept saying to him it was not the right time to make this huge decision and could we wait until his program was finished, but he said the second he "knew" he needed to end it. So I guess maybe, this is it, his final say.
I do know that during the breakup he shocked me at how emotional he was. Sobbing.
He did the breaking off during a week where he was filming 18-hr days, hadn't slept, was basically living at his office, which has a couch. He does this when filming, and he had this intense summer program--really he was in a bad, stressed out state.
I kept saying to him it was not the right time to make this huge decision and could we wait until his program was finished, but he said the second he "knew" he needed to end it. So I guess maybe, this is it, his final say.
I do know that during the breakup he shocked me at how emotional he was. Sobbing.
I know he tried his hardest and kept trying. I also know I am the first person he has loved like this--his friends all said "If X gets married, it's with you."
Even while breaking up with me, he talked about how we had the same eyes, same nose, and said my last name and his would sound great hypenated (if we married). All these things and yet, of course he walks away. Because *nothing* I have done has shown him I could change.
I know it hasn't even been a week. I want to connect with him and all the books say "no contact" but the reality is--fine I see how that will work, and Aries likes to chase. But if he feels like there is no hope, no future, I know he is convincing himself this is the right thing and less heartbreak in the end (as opposed to another year of this crap).
Which is why I do want to reach out and just say, look I have done a lot of thinking.
I think a letter is better--I am terrible in person communicating. And right now it seems like he just doesn't want to contact me.
His stuff is still here!!!!!!! He still has a key to our apartment. I just keep thinking, why is he leaving stuff here—
i'm really lost. I know I sound like a crazy desperate girl but he has my heart like no other.
Even while breaking up with me, he talked about how we had the same eyes, same nose, and said my last name and his would sound great hypenated (if we married). All these things and yet, of course he walks away. Because *nothing* I have done has shown him I could change.
I know it hasn't even been a week. I want to connect with him and all the books say "no contact" but the reality is--fine I see how that will work, and Aries likes to chase. But if he feels like there is no hope, no future, I know he is convincing himself this is the right thing and less heartbreak in the end (as opposed to another year of this crap).
Which is why I do want to reach out and just say, look I have done a lot of thinking.
I think a letter is better--I am terrible in person communicating. And right now it seems like he just doesn't want to contact me.
His stuff is still here!!!!!!! He still has a key to our apartment. I just keep thinking, why is he leaving stuff here—
i'm really lost. I know I sound like a crazy desperate girl but he has my heart like no other.
Well, I have never been the girl to chase. In fact, I usually just walk away and say "your loss" (or actually I have left most of my exes).
So...contact him? When? Do I wait another week or so?
I truly believe he is in love with me and didn't want this to happen--he just didn't see any other way.
Is there anyone on here that can look at exact charts? I feel really confused right now and could use any help.
Why are Aries so irrestible— You bring out spontaneity, and passion, and adventure. When you combine that with love...well it is powerful.
So...contact him? When? Do I wait another week or so?
I truly believe he is in love with me and didn't want this to happen--he just didn't see any other way.
Is there anyone on here that can look at exact charts? I feel really confused right now and could use any help.
Why are Aries so irrestible— You bring out spontaneity, and passion, and adventure. When you combine that with love...well it is powerful.
bluemoon, are you Aries? You are awesome.
So I am just getting into astrology, so here is the info I have:
ME
Sept 19, 1973
Rising Sign is in 01 Degrees Libra
Sun is in 26 Degrees Virgo.
Moon is in 23 Degrees Gemini.
Mercury is in 09 Degrees Libra.
Venus is in 07 Degrees Scorpio.
Mars is in 09 Degrees Taurus.
Jupiter is in 02 Degrees Aquarius.
Saturn is in 04 Degrees Cancer.
Uranus is in 21 Degrees Libra.
Neptune is in 04 Degrees Sagittarius.
Pluto is in 03 Degrees Libra.
N. Node is in 03 Degrees Capricorn.
HIM
April 11, 1979
Rising Sign is in 28 Degrees Cancer
Sun is in 20 Degrees Aries.
Moon is in 05 Degrees Libra.
Mercury is in 26 Degrees Pisces.
Venus is in 15 Degrees Pisces.
Mars is in 03 Degrees Aries.
Jupiter is in 29 Degrees Cancer.
Saturn is in 07 Degrees Virgo.
Uranus is in 20 Degrees Scorpio.
Neptune is in 20 Degrees Sagittarius.
Pluto is in 17 Degrees Libra.
N. Node is in 17 Degrees Virgo.
I can tell you that we balance each other out in many ways--he says I give him structure and keep him healthy, he definitely keeps me very on my toes, but fun. We have worked together and met through a previous company.
So I am just getting into astrology, so here is the info I have:
ME
Sept 19, 1973
Rising Sign is in 01 Degrees Libra
Sun is in 26 Degrees Virgo.
Moon is in 23 Degrees Gemini.
Mercury is in 09 Degrees Libra.
Venus is in 07 Degrees Scorpio.
Mars is in 09 Degrees Taurus.
Jupiter is in 02 Degrees Aquarius.
Saturn is in 04 Degrees Cancer.
Uranus is in 21 Degrees Libra.
Neptune is in 04 Degrees Sagittarius.
Pluto is in 03 Degrees Libra.
N. Node is in 03 Degrees Capricorn.
HIM
April 11, 1979
Rising Sign is in 28 Degrees Cancer
Sun is in 20 Degrees Aries.
Moon is in 05 Degrees Libra.
Mercury is in 26 Degrees Pisces.
Venus is in 15 Degrees Pisces.
Mars is in 03 Degrees Aries.
Jupiter is in 29 Degrees Cancer.
Saturn is in 07 Degrees Virgo.
Uranus is in 20 Degrees Scorpio.
Neptune is in 20 Degrees Sagittarius.
Pluto is in 17 Degrees Libra.
N. Node is in 17 Degrees Virgo.
I can tell you that we balance each other out in many ways--he says I give him structure and keep him healthy, he definitely keeps me very on my toes, but fun. We have worked together and met through a previous company.
So I had his rising sign wrong--he is cancer. His venus is pieces...
Idoru take this time to focus on yourself, he's not gone yet, his stuff is still in the apartment so instead of appearing super insecure AGAIN by chasing him down and explaining to him all the things you shared with us, try focusing on feeling better about yourself first.
Of course you reach out to him and tell him you'd like to speak with him before everything is finalized but please no long drawn out emails about your feelings and insecurities, will only make matters worse. Get yourself together, get grounded and you can start by fixing the things about yourself that is getting in the way of the relationship.
Forgiving someone is not forgiveness if you can't on some level choose to trust the person again, dig deep within yourself ask yourself if you can really be with a man that cheated on you, I'm guessing that you can't and the fact that you chose to forgive him most likely went against everything you believed in regarding the bond you shared before the whole cheating fiasco was revealed, honestly men do things to throw us off our pedestal and turn us into needy naggy unattractive women due to there own insecurities and there subconscious feelings of wanting out of the relationship and not being brave enough to say I want out from the start, hoping you'll have enough self respect and dignity to dump him but when that didn't happen he felt bound to stay and try to make it work especially now it's revealed he's a jerk and out of guilt he stayed but of course the misbehaving and not revealing you to the world as his significant other continued on.
You not being honest with yourself about the whole ordeal may be why you are so insecure, you aren't being honest with yourself, maybe you stuck it out with him out of desperation but you definitely need to get real with yourself about your decision to forgive him but torture yourself over every little action he takes that doesn't involve you.
Nothing wrong with seeking out some professional help to get things in perspective...You're so close to figuring all this out but it's not about him, it's about you being able to take good care of yourself while he's gone so you'll feel stronger not weaker so you can make a decision based off of what's best for you instead of based off of desperation, insecure attempts at keeping him around and fear.
Of course you reach out to him and tell him you'd like to speak with him before everything is finalized but please no long drawn out emails about your feelings and insecurities, will only make matters worse. Get yourself together, get grounded and you can start by fixing the things about yourself that is getting in the way of the relationship.
Forgiving someone is not forgiveness if you can't on some level choose to trust the person again, dig deep within yourself ask yourself if you can really be with a man that cheated on you, I'm guessing that you can't and the fact that you chose to forgive him most likely went against everything you believed in regarding the bond you shared before the whole cheating fiasco was revealed, honestly men do things to throw us off our pedestal and turn us into needy naggy unattractive women due to there own insecurities and there subconscious feelings of wanting out of the relationship and not being brave enough to say I want out from the start, hoping you'll have enough self respect and dignity to dump him but when that didn't happen he felt bound to stay and try to make it work especially now it's revealed he's a jerk and out of guilt he stayed but of course the misbehaving and not revealing you to the world as his significant other continued on.
You not being honest with yourself about the whole ordeal may be why you are so insecure, you aren't being honest with yourself, maybe you stuck it out with him out of desperation but you definitely need to get real with yourself about your decision to forgive him but torture yourself over every little action he takes that doesn't involve you.
Nothing wrong with seeking out some professional help to get things in perspective...You're so close to figuring all this out but it's not about him, it's about you being able to take good care of yourself while he's gone so you'll feel stronger not weaker so you can make a decision based off of what's best for you instead of based off of desperation, insecure attempts at keeping him around and fear.
Thanks Tiki.
For more insight into the cheating--I fully believed what we had scared him at first, hence, him cheating. But after he did it, he felt so awful about it he was very loyal. He cheated in the first 5 weeks of us dating. No excuse, but just for clarification.
7 months later, we were very very strong and I had no idea he had cheated--and he intended to keep this secret since in his mind, things had changed and he was no longer scared. He asked to move in together, i met all his friends, his work mates, etc. We had lots of dinner parties--definitely a part of his life. We were in a relationship on Facebook, for public to see.
I found out about the cheating because he left his gmail open and there was an email from the girl, asking why he never called her again. he had not responded, but I was very curious. I felt bad about looking at his email, and honestly I thought it was mine at first (my computer), and I sat down and asked him about it. he came clean but begged me to stay because he didn't feel scared anymore, loved me, and it was a huge regret.
he has been loyal since and I know this.
And yes--cheating is a huge deal for me and I did say I needed time to think about it, but I chose to forgive him.
i am sure this is where my insecurity stemmed from partially--but I also started a company in 2008 that collapsed last year, and I personally lost a lot of money, and had investors, and it was a nightmare. It's taken me a long time to build back my life and start something new--but this did depress me for obvious reasons.
I don't think Aries wanted out after the cheating. I think he acted impulsively and then made the decision to be with me. i then took a lot of very innocent actions hugely out of proportion, and started making huge deals out of silly things like not having any posts about me on Facebook. Honestly, at the end of the day--he comes home to me each night, cooks me dinner, does very romantic things- he is showing me he cares in ways that matter. i realize this now.
I am not saying he is perfect. He can be a flirt and he has told some little white lies--but for example, this whole LA trip, if he had told me in advance he was planning to hang out with these girls I would have cried and put up some crazy fight.
I am not trying to justify his behavior--he has done many things wrong. But I can tell you I really have been looking for things and reasons not to trust him.
For more insight into the cheating--I fully believed what we had scared him at first, hence, him cheating. But after he did it, he felt so awful about it he was very loyal. He cheated in the first 5 weeks of us dating. No excuse, but just for clarification.
7 months later, we were very very strong and I had no idea he had cheated--and he intended to keep this secret since in his mind, things had changed and he was no longer scared. He asked to move in together, i met all his friends, his work mates, etc. We had lots of dinner parties--definitely a part of his life. We were in a relationship on Facebook, for public to see.
I found out about the cheating because he left his gmail open and there was an email from the girl, asking why he never called her again. he had not responded, but I was very curious. I felt bad about looking at his email, and honestly I thought it was mine at first (my computer), and I sat down and asked him about it. he came clean but begged me to stay because he didn't feel scared anymore, loved me, and it was a huge regret.
he has been loyal since and I know this.
And yes--cheating is a huge deal for me and I did say I needed time to think about it, but I chose to forgive him.
i am sure this is where my insecurity stemmed from partially--but I also started a company in 2008 that collapsed last year, and I personally lost a lot of money, and had investors, and it was a nightmare. It's taken me a long time to build back my life and start something new--but this did depress me for obvious reasons.
I don't think Aries wanted out after the cheating. I think he acted impulsively and then made the decision to be with me. i then took a lot of very innocent actions hugely out of proportion, and started making huge deals out of silly things like not having any posts about me on Facebook. Honestly, at the end of the day--he comes home to me each night, cooks me dinner, does very romantic things- he is showing me he cares in ways that matter. i realize this now.
I am not saying he is perfect. He can be a flirt and he has told some little white lies--but for example, this whole LA trip, if he had told me in advance he was planning to hang out with these girls I would have cried and put up some crazy fight.
I am not trying to justify his behavior--he has done many things wrong. But I can tell you I really have been looking for things and reasons not to trust him.
Okay girl to girl...I believe you went into his computer looking for something and you found it, of course you can reject my observation but I think most of us have did the whole going through a guys computer thing.
My point is you appeared insecure even before you found out about the cheating....So the key factor is finding out what's eating at you so much so you can't trust a man or yourself for that matter, I'm sure you know the difference between his computer and your own (not picking at you but I'm the type of woman that feel when a woman can be honest no matter how silly or embarrassing her actions may have been then she can really sort things out with herself and eliminate confusion faster than being dishonest with herself about her behavior). People make mistakes and you forgive someone you have to work extra hard at finding ways to feel secure and if you can't then it's best that you don't be together b/c you'll only make one another miserable.
I have no doubt that you picked a great guy but I don't see this going very far if you don't sort out your own stuff first, him coming back into the relationship with you will provide a temporary feeling of relief but inevitably all the things that created the break up will come back to haunt the relationship.
My point is you appeared insecure even before you found out about the cheating....So the key factor is finding out what's eating at you so much so you can't trust a man or yourself for that matter, I'm sure you know the difference between his computer and your own (not picking at you but I'm the type of woman that feel when a woman can be honest no matter how silly or embarrassing her actions may have been then she can really sort things out with herself and eliminate confusion faster than being dishonest with herself about her behavior). People make mistakes and you forgive someone you have to work extra hard at finding ways to feel secure and if you can't then it's best that you don't be together b/c you'll only make one another miserable.
I have no doubt that you picked a great guy but I don't see this going very far if you don't sort out your own stuff first, him coming back into the relationship with you will provide a temporary feeling of relief but inevitably all the things that created the break up will come back to haunt the relationship.
ok , I will get off my soapbox in just a minute...
".....For more insight into the cheating--I fully believed what we had scared him at first, hence, him cheating...."
Not much scares an Aries, just sayin'
"...I found out about the cheating because he left his gmail open and there was an email from the girl, asking why he never called her again..."
So he didn't bother to tell the other chick he one night standed her because he was scared of his new girlfriend.
Ummm, he doesn't sound like a winner to me, but hey if you need someone like that in your life...
".....For more insight into the cheating--I fully believed what we had scared him at first, hence, him cheating...."
Not much scares an Aries, just sayin'
"...I found out about the cheating because he left his gmail open and there was an email from the girl, asking why he never called her again..."
So he didn't bother to tell the other chick he one night standed her because he was scared of his new girlfriend.
Ummm, he doesn't sound like a winner to me, but hey if you need someone like that in your life...
Thank you all. This is really helping me understand so much.
Tiki--was my computer and he had been using gmail which I also use, and I seriously had no reason at that point to be suspicious of him--he had just moved in and we had been having, from my perspective anyway, the best 7 months of my life. But yeah--i say I name I didn't know and instead of saying, oops! Not my email...I read it. Yep.
I know I need to really look at this and myself and understand if I subconsciously suspected anything...but I didn't. Not then. It is hard to describe how perfect it had been.
Tiki, also, I agree that if I cannot sort these issues out, which will take TIME, I am doomed with him or anyone else for that matter. I know this and that's why I am really determined to sort this out.
Bluemoon--thank you for this lovely picture, 🙂. It is going to be my screensaver. Love this.
The chart stuff is interesting, and explains that I am not crazy for thinking we have this intense, rare bond. and yes, physically, mentally, every aspect is intense. We really share a lot and talk about everything--the one thing we haven't been great at, is talking about the WHY I am insecure and the HOW to resolve it. His way of trying was to just attempt to reassure me, but he also wasn't going to change himself. Meaning, he's not going to stop traveling or stop working 20 hours a day.
At this point, I am unsure what to do next.
i know him and he is strong willed. I don't think, despite his feelings, he will come back. all this advice of no contact and be strong from my friends seems to be...wrong. If I wait too long I know he will move on, even if it hurts. He is stubborn.
But if I email him or call, now and say, ahah! I get what went wrong and I am sorry--he has no reason to believe things have changed. and no reason to trust me again. And quite frankly, no reason to think this won't end in tears in the future.
I feel I am in limbo. I want to reach out but definitely do not want to appear insecure or disgeniune.
Tiki--was my computer and he had been using gmail which I also use, and I seriously had no reason at that point to be suspicious of him--he had just moved in and we had been having, from my perspective anyway, the best 7 months of my life. But yeah--i say I name I didn't know and instead of saying, oops! Not my email...I read it. Yep.
I know I need to really look at this and myself and understand if I subconsciously suspected anything...but I didn't. Not then. It is hard to describe how perfect it had been.
Tiki, also, I agree that if I cannot sort these issues out, which will take TIME, I am doomed with him or anyone else for that matter. I know this and that's why I am really determined to sort this out.
Bluemoon--thank you for this lovely picture, 🙂. It is going to be my screensaver. Love this.
The chart stuff is interesting, and explains that I am not crazy for thinking we have this intense, rare bond. and yes, physically, mentally, every aspect is intense. We really share a lot and talk about everything--the one thing we haven't been great at, is talking about the WHY I am insecure and the HOW to resolve it. His way of trying was to just attempt to reassure me, but he also wasn't going to change himself. Meaning, he's not going to stop traveling or stop working 20 hours a day.
At this point, I am unsure what to do next.
i know him and he is strong willed. I don't think, despite his feelings, he will come back. all this advice of no contact and be strong from my friends seems to be...wrong. If I wait too long I know he will move on, even if it hurts. He is stubborn.
But if I email him or call, now and say, ahah! I get what went wrong and I am sorry--he has no reason to believe things have changed. and no reason to trust me again. And quite frankly, no reason to think this won't end in tears in the future.
I feel I am in limbo. I want to reach out but definitely do not want to appear insecure or disgeniune.
Hi ReallyniceAriesperson, 🙂
Well, I know he is Aries and isn't scared of very much. 🙂 But I do think he has been scared of being in love. And we had something very intense since day one, and because of my age...well, I do have kids and marriage sometime soon on the mind. That's a lot for someone who has previously been a bit commitment-phobic to handle. I knew the risk of this when we started dating, but took it slow (or as slow as Aries would allow!!), and things progressed.
the one night stand--awful, I know. awful, for her and me. He got drunk, and the rest is history. One mutual friend who knew about it said Aries has been torn up about it since day one, and never called the girl again because any contact might indicate to her he was interested.
Aries is definitely not a loser or a bad guy, but also not perfect. He's very talented, at work, and we met through a work thing--we have a lot of the same friends etc. I don't settle for people--i've gotten out of relationships before with no issues, and I don't move in with anyone.
We really thought we could overcome it.
I can tell you that if I found out he cheated at say, 6 months, it would have been over forever. But that is not the case. 5 weeks in? We were not official "boyfriend/girlfriend." Not excusing him--I thought we were exclusive and he knew I needed that, but we didn't have "the talk" until about 8 weeks in. again, no excuses, but I did choose to forgive this because of when it happened.
Well, I know he is Aries and isn't scared of very much. 🙂 But I do think he has been scared of being in love. And we had something very intense since day one, and because of my age...well, I do have kids and marriage sometime soon on the mind. That's a lot for someone who has previously been a bit commitment-phobic to handle. I knew the risk of this when we started dating, but took it slow (or as slow as Aries would allow!!), and things progressed.
the one night stand--awful, I know. awful, for her and me. He got drunk, and the rest is history. One mutual friend who knew about it said Aries has been torn up about it since day one, and never called the girl again because any contact might indicate to her he was interested.
Aries is definitely not a loser or a bad guy, but also not perfect. He's very talented, at work, and we met through a work thing--we have a lot of the same friends etc. I don't settle for people--i've gotten out of relationships before with no issues, and I don't move in with anyone.
We really thought we could overcome it.
I can tell you that if I found out he cheated at say, 6 months, it would have been over forever. But that is not the case. 5 weeks in? We were not official "boyfriend/girlfriend." Not excusing him--I thought we were exclusive and he knew I needed that, but we didn't have "the talk" until about 8 weeks in. again, no excuses, but I did choose to forgive this because of when it happened.
I can respect your honesty and I'm by no means calling the man you love a bad guy but the cheating no matter when he did it would make me take a step back, cheating is pathological behavior but it's also biological behavior IMO which doesn't stop because you want it to. You deserve someone that is not going to cheat on you 1 week in or 5 weeks in and if you hadn't discussed the relationship until 8 weeks in why do you care so much about the past...I'm confused lol
The way he used and discarded the other woman says a lot about his personality as a person, I don't think I could have moved in with a guy that hasn't grown up yet. Despite all the heavy feelings you may share with another the relationship has this dysfunctional undertone IMO.
The way he used and discarded the other woman says a lot about his personality as a person, I don't think I could have moved in with a guy that hasn't grown up yet. Despite all the heavy feelings you may share with another the relationship has this dysfunctional undertone IMO.
True, Tiki
I don't know why I haven't been able to forgive him. Like I said I don't think this is actually stemming from that. I have my own issues and it was probably a lot more to do with my work failure, etc and then that just made me doubt...Aries and I foundation, which in my mind had been perfect and I am a virgo...we like perfect. Anything messes up perfect and it is definitely not a good thing.
Not justifying a one night stand, but my opinion on this is if you meet a guy at a bar and sleep with him 2 hours later, you can't really be expecting a whole lot. I don't have a lot of concern for her, honestly, and I don't think a guy that has a one night stand, or several in his life, is a dealbreaker. I just don't judge guys on that. I tend to be pretty conservative for ME but hey, we are all different in terms of sex.
He gave her a business card and that's how she had his email. That was rather dumb of him, but it is what it is.
Remember also I had NO IDEA this happened prior to the move in! I had no reason to distrust him. We were really strong, really good, and really had some fun times. We moved in because it was getting serious, and he suggested it, and it made sense.
we were telling everyone we thought we had finally found "the one." So yeah...a few months after we were living in bliss (no issues), this comes up and shocked me.
He is a good person, and does have a good character. He just screwed up and I've been making him pay since.
I definitely have a perfection personality. I had employees and believe me, it wasn't good for them to be less than perfect. 😉 Yay, virgo.
The libra rising thing in me is probably contributing to my freaking out right now. It's rare for me to fall in love, and I don't want to let it go.
Very sad.
I don't know why I haven't been able to forgive him. Like I said I don't think this is actually stemming from that. I have my own issues and it was probably a lot more to do with my work failure, etc and then that just made me doubt...Aries and I foundation, which in my mind had been perfect and I am a virgo...we like perfect. Anything messes up perfect and it is definitely not a good thing.
Not justifying a one night stand, but my opinion on this is if you meet a guy at a bar and sleep with him 2 hours later, you can't really be expecting a whole lot. I don't have a lot of concern for her, honestly, and I don't think a guy that has a one night stand, or several in his life, is a dealbreaker. I just don't judge guys on that. I tend to be pretty conservative for ME but hey, we are all different in terms of sex.
He gave her a business card and that's how she had his email. That was rather dumb of him, but it is what it is.
Remember also I had NO IDEA this happened prior to the move in! I had no reason to distrust him. We were really strong, really good, and really had some fun times. We moved in because it was getting serious, and he suggested it, and it made sense.
we were telling everyone we thought we had finally found "the one." So yeah...a few months after we were living in bliss (no issues), this comes up and shocked me.
He is a good person, and does have a good character. He just screwed up and I've been making him pay since.
I definitely have a perfection personality. I had employees and believe me, it wasn't good for them to be less than perfect. 😉 Yay, virgo.
The libra rising thing in me is probably contributing to my freaking out right now. It's rare for me to fall in love, and I don't want to let it go.
Very sad.
I have to agree with ReallyniceAriesperson regarding the scared issue...He wasn't scared to sleep with another woman and he wasn't scared to move the relationship forward with you if he was the one initiating living together and being together. I think "he's scared" is an excuse to get him off the hook. He's not scared, IMO he's being a man that's confused b/c part of him wants to settle and the other part of his identity is wrapped up in being single, his desire/urge to go out and spread his seeds as much as he possibly can won't go away no matter how much he's initiating moving in together and getting engaged etc if his action speaks otherwise then he's not ready and no amount of being insecure and asking him to change XYZ will make him ready. He has to be 100% ready or there will be a huge amount of conflict going on between the 2 of you.
When a woman see a man in conflict she'll have to remove herself out of it and allow him to sort that out on his own which is really hard for a woman to do, stand by and watch him grow up or let him go. He has to be sure about you and be able to check himself around other women b/c if he can't do that then you really won't have the kind of relationship you want to have.
When a woman see a man in conflict she'll have to remove herself out of it and allow him to sort that out on his own which is really hard for a woman to do, stand by and watch him grow up or let him go. He has to be sure about you and be able to check himself around other women b/c if he can't do that then you really won't have the kind of relationship you want to have.
No one is perfect, although I know we Aries come pretty close!
I don't mean to sound like a hardazs but I don't like seeing people get their heart stomped all over.
I am a Cancer rising too and I am horrified he didn't have the balls to let the other (ONS)chick know he was being a butthole, cheating on his girlfriend. I think you nailed it when you said he had "pieces rising"🙂
And drunk is no excuse - if you don't know what you are doing then you need to get your drunk azz home.
Can't handle it - don't drink it.
Look after you and don't feel you have to settle chick. Ever.
***Ok I really am a hardazz, but only coz I hate to see love wasted on d/bags
I don't mean to sound like a hardazs but I don't like seeing people get their heart stomped all over.
I am a Cancer rising too and I am horrified he didn't have the balls to let the other (ONS)chick know he was being a butthole, cheating on his girlfriend. I think you nailed it when you said he had "pieces rising"🙂
And drunk is no excuse - if you don't know what you are doing then you need to get your drunk azz home.
Can't handle it - don't drink it.
Look after you and don't feel you have to settle chick. Ever.
***Ok I really am a hardazz, but only coz I hate to see love wasted on d/bags
Posted by tiki33
I have to agree with ReallyniceAriesperson regarding the scared issue...He wasn't scared to sleep with another woman and he wasn't scared to move the relationship forward with you if he was the one initiating living together and being together. I think "he's scared" is an excuse to get him off the hook. He's not scared, IMO he's being a man that's confused b/c part of him wants to settle and the other part of his identity is wrapped up in being single, his desire/urge to go out and spread his seeds as much as he possibly can won't go away no matter how much he's initiating moving in together and getting engaged etc if his action speaks otherwise then he's not ready and no amount of being insecure and asking him to change XYZ will make him ready. He has to be 100% ready or there will be a huge amount of conflict going on between the 2 of you.
.
his whizzer didn't appear to be scared
But if you really don't hold sleeping with the other woman against him then why make him pay for it? I almost feel like you are normalizing something that made you feel really shitty and that isn't healthy behavior, IMO you were so disappointed and hurt over his actions that you for whatever reason wasn't prepared to come out of your perfect world and deal with it or maybe you didn't know how to deal with it so you AVOIDED your real feelings and continued on and b/c you took the avoidance route all of your real feelings spilled over as insecurities, had you addressed how you really felt I am sure you would have been able to get past it but it appears you dumb'd it down and avoided so you can remain in the relationship. You appear very intelligent and I know you'll inevitably have to get honest with yourself about this whole thing due to your perfectionist personality.
Maybe the stress of your work failure played a huge part in this whole thing but I still feel the cheating bothered you or why else would you feel so insecure about him being around other women?
Maybe the stress of your work failure played a huge part in this whole thing but I still feel the cheating bothered you or why else would you feel so insecure about him being around other women?
Ah....you two.
I think it is true, there is obviously a deep truth to this. I have rationally justified this but emotionally, I am pissed. I am pissed off that he cheated and pissed that he couldn't see what he had--even at 5 weeks--to not screw it up. And I am pissed that afterwards, he didn't do *everything* in his power to make me feel secure when he would be with other women in a work or travel context or going out context. I didn't start off being needy or demanding--even after I "forgave" him, I was willing to totally trust him. And small lies, small things would add up.
the FB photo thing always bothered me because I always felt he had used FB in the past to meet women...and even if it said he was in a relationship, some women don't care, and I always felt like he just didn't want to undermine at least a perception of being "free."
So part of this is that deep down, I have a few that you are right Tiki--that part of him is really, really excited to be in love and found someone, and part of him wants to play around.
And there have been enough indicators--up to this last most major one, not sure if he wants to have kids--to back this up.
So...yes obviously I need to let him go figure it out. But do I at least try to explain to him that I see and recognize my part in this? He has tried, honestly.
I think it is true, there is obviously a deep truth to this. I have rationally justified this but emotionally, I am pissed. I am pissed off that he cheated and pissed that he couldn't see what he had--even at 5 weeks--to not screw it up. And I am pissed that afterwards, he didn't do *everything* in his power to make me feel secure when he would be with other women in a work or travel context or going out context. I didn't start off being needy or demanding--even after I "forgave" him, I was willing to totally trust him. And small lies, small things would add up.
the FB photo thing always bothered me because I always felt he had used FB in the past to meet women...and even if it said he was in a relationship, some women don't care, and I always felt like he just didn't want to undermine at least a perception of being "free."
So part of this is that deep down, I have a few that you are right Tiki--that part of him is really, really excited to be in love and found someone, and part of him wants to play around.
And there have been enough indicators--up to this last most major one, not sure if he wants to have kids--to back this up.
So...yes obviously I need to let him go figure it out. But do I at least try to explain to him that I see and recognize my part in this? He has tried, honestly.
I'm just going to go by the first thought that came to mind...Go be pissed! Let yourself be mad and pissed and angry or whatever it is you're feeling, let it all out any way you can that's healthy, scream, kick box, punch a pillow, get it out of your system FIRST before approaching him, you gotta get this out or you going to him defeats the purpose b/c no matter what you say or how you say it, those underlying feelings of being pissed and hurt and disappointed will still be there and you'll come off as being fake (fake as in hiding) instead of genuine, no matter how much you want to avoid how terrible you felt about his liaison with this woman all those heavy feelings will be running the show and no matter how bad you want to appear strong instead of insecure you'll still feel weak inside and appear insecure.
Please stop making excuses for him because only serves to keep you in this space were you are avoiding reality, you try so hard to make him appear like he's not the bad guy b/c he tried so hard to fix things, well in that moment he was the bad guy, ACCEPT IT and allow yourself to feel disappointed, mad, angry, pissed b/c honestly all that time he was trying to fix it you were seething with resentment, you were pissed and you hid it so nothing he would do or try to do would appease you so him fixing it wasn't the real issue or the answer to help you feel secure and bringing you healing. He tried and he failed, he failed at not being so obvious that he was still subtly fooling around flirting with other woman and he told a few lies so he couldn't have been trying that hard.
IMO stop focusing on him for a little while, if the bond you share is strong it won't be broken in a matter of days or weeks.
Please stop making excuses for him because only serves to keep you in this space were you are avoiding reality, you try so hard to make him appear like he's not the bad guy b/c he tried so hard to fix things, well in that moment he was the bad guy, ACCEPT IT and allow yourself to feel disappointed, mad, angry, pissed b/c honestly all that time he was trying to fix it you were seething with resentment, you were pissed and you hid it so nothing he would do or try to do would appease you so him fixing it wasn't the real issue or the answer to help you feel secure and bringing you healing. He tried and he failed, he failed at not being so obvious that he was still subtly fooling around flirting with other woman and he told a few lies so he couldn't have been trying that hard.
IMO stop focusing on him for a little while, if the bond you share is strong it won't be broken in a matter of days or weeks.
Posted by idoru77
but I feel like he is the one and we are a really good match and if the security issue was addressed on my end, and I could make him feel like he can make me happy...things would be good.
He did tell me he thought that, too.
I only quoted that ^^^^ however, you alluded to the same thing several times in here, and I think it's pretty fucked up, to be honest.
For you to be aware of yourself and what you need to do is awesome, and I greatly admire people who take responsibility for themselves ... but, it appears to me that you are taking on his responsbility also.
So, he can cheat on you and it's basically your responsibility because he doesn't know how to make you happy due to you being insecure .... meanwhile, as you deal with yourself, he has no accountibility, and can break up with you taking no responsibility in all of this ... and you will do all the work, while he gets off scott free, yet, he's the one who fucked someone else?
Martyr much?
Ah,,, P-Angel. Tough love? You Aries are killing me.
Yes, I actually do know I am taking responsibility for all of this.
I am all over the map, hurting. But I actually know:
I need to find myself, get secure and I need time to do this. I needed him to leave to wake up.
He needs to decide that he is 100% committed and not giving indications that he is on the fence--one day very much in love and wants to be with me forever, the next he is partying and indicating to the world he likes to be perceived as a single guy. i'm pretty sure cheating would be in the future, again, if he doesn't figure this out.
i'm also pretty perceptive and despite all his showering me with love and affection, I could feel sometimes that he...wasn't sure. And that wasn't helping.
but I can tell you I know him...and he is not the guy to commit unless he feels he is with someone who can be normal and secure.
see the vicious cycle? So I want him...so I decided it is up to me to, well, let him know I was working on my security.
BTW he emailed me tonight, first contact, to say he came to the apartment Sunday but I was with a female friend and he saw us outside. I had previously tolf him he needed to get his stuff out this weekend, and then said I was away until Sunday night--so he should come before Sunday night.
so he apparently was there on Sunday night? When he knew I would be there? What does it mean—
Yes, I actually do know I am taking responsibility for all of this.
I am all over the map, hurting. But I actually know:
I need to find myself, get secure and I need time to do this. I needed him to leave to wake up.
He needs to decide that he is 100% committed and not giving indications that he is on the fence--one day very much in love and wants to be with me forever, the next he is partying and indicating to the world he likes to be perceived as a single guy. i'm pretty sure cheating would be in the future, again, if he doesn't figure this out.
i'm also pretty perceptive and despite all his showering me with love and affection, I could feel sometimes that he...wasn't sure. And that wasn't helping.
but I can tell you I know him...and he is not the guy to commit unless he feels he is with someone who can be normal and secure.
see the vicious cycle? So I want him...so I decided it is up to me to, well, let him know I was working on my security.
BTW he emailed me tonight, first contact, to say he came to the apartment Sunday but I was with a female friend and he saw us outside. I had previously tolf him he needed to get his stuff out this weekend, and then said I was away until Sunday night--so he should come before Sunday night.
so he apparently was there on Sunday night? When he knew I would be there? What does it mean—
it means he is a stalker and you need to buy a Rottweiler.
I don't think P-Angel is an Aries
I don't think P-Angel is an Aries
No, I'm not an Aries .... but, that is irrelevant.
You went on to talk about how his infidelity created an insecurity within you, in which you described for a whole two posts about how the two of you now fight a lot and how you fear where you stand and question your value ..... while having the title of the thread state that you're devastated because he broke up with you, as if ...
1. his makes the rules/terms of relating ... and you are to follow them
2. he is even worth being devastated over
At one point you broke up with him because you comprehended that ^^^^^ ... but, now that he breaks up with you, you have completely forgotten how his actions of unfaithfulness/deception drove the dynamics of the relationships to the breaking point?
You are responsible for yourself, and kudos to you that you are in the process of a self-check to verify where and how you may have ventured off course ~ but, that doesn't constitute him being pardoned from his relationship errors, in which changed the course.
From the way you are talking, you make it sound like everything is his choice ... and your place is to follow ... and I think that's pretty fucked up.
You went on to talk about how his infidelity created an insecurity within you, in which you described for a whole two posts about how the two of you now fight a lot and how you fear where you stand and question your value ..... while having the title of the thread state that you're devastated because he broke up with you, as if ...
1. his makes the rules/terms of relating ... and you are to follow them
2. he is even worth being devastated over
At one point you broke up with him because you comprehended that ^^^^^ ... but, now that he breaks up with you, you have completely forgotten how his actions of unfaithfulness/deception drove the dynamics of the relationships to the breaking point?
You are responsible for yourself, and kudos to you that you are in the process of a self-check to verify where and how you may have ventured off course ~ but, that doesn't constitute him being pardoned from his relationship errors, in which changed the course.
From the way you are talking, you make it sound like everything is his choice ... and your place is to follow ... and I think that's pretty fucked up.
Posted by idoru77
but I can tell you I know him...and he is not the guy to commit unless he feels he is with someone who can be normal and secure.
See .... just like that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Maybe I read this wrong, and will have to go back and read it again .... but, I interpretated this as a relationship that was developing and plugging along just fine until you realized he was lying to you ... and then that's when the insecurity started.
You make it sound like you aren't normal enough for him because of your insecurity about his faithfulness to you .... when he's the one who fucking created this within you by lying to you, and screwing someone else.
You aren't American, are you?
Posted by P-Angel
No, I'm not an Aries .... but, that is irrelevant.
"....Ah,,, P-Angel. Tough love? You Aries are killing me...."
It is relevant to the comment she made.
Posted by idoru77
BTW he emailed me tonight, first contact, to say he came to the apartment Sunday but I was with a female friend and he saw us outside. I had previously tolf him he needed to get his stuff out this weekend, and then said I was away until Sunday night--so he should come before Sunday night.
so he apparently was there on Sunday night? When he knew I would be there? What does it mean—
Why would you even ask what it means? And I'm not even going to answer that question because it's in place to get someone to tell you what you want to hear, rather than you using any sensibilities. Meaning - if we know what it means, and you are of sound judgement, then you know what it means also.
You know, just because you have feelings for him - doesn't automatically qualify him as being a keeper. And this is something women do all the time and it really ticks me off that they do it. It's like the woman has no pride or dignity for her own self-worth and sits with baited-breath waiting to get approval from the guy, waiting for him to 'say' she is worth something to him, so she can then feel special enough to believe that she is worth loving.
I hate it when women do that ... and it's a rare day that I state that I hate something.
A man who has slept with another woman is a man you suppose to walk away from and never look back. Instead of having any awareness that he isn't worth you ... you are busying yourself with worrying about your worth to him.
You have it backwards ... and don't even know it. Sadly, you are among the majority of the female adult population ... and I thank my lucky stars every single day of my life that I have a man who understands this along with me = we both are just as important as the other, niether takes priority over the other.
You are suppose to walk away from him. And I'm not talking about a manipulation where you do it to get his attention, so he sees that you might leave and so he then chases you, I'm not talking about game-playing. I mean ....
..... you are suppose to write off a man who sleeps with another woman at any time during your relationship - no excuses
Posted by idoru77
I discovered after month 9 he cheated in month 2, and I forgave him (he claimed being scared and thinking it was a last fling since he was so serious about me). I never was secure again with us after that.
Your relationship with him ended right here ^^^^^^^
You know something that makes no sense to me? People think that they are doing a good thing, a positive thing, a right thing ... by holding on to something to a bitter end.
How can a bitter end be a good thing?
If you two are fighting and tearing each other apart, so bad that you are experiencing constant injury of feelings ... then the only thing you are accomplishing is fighting to keep a lost love.
People do that and I've no clue why .. and the thing is, they don't even realize it .. they think they are doing a good thing for themselves. How can that be a good thing? How much pain has to happen before you realize it's hurting?
The man screwed another woman after two months of being with you, and then allowed 7 more months to pass having you believe that he was loyal to you .... if you allow this, if you pardon that behaviour ... then he will cheat on you the entire time.
P-Angel, I do hear what you are saying. I am not a doormat. Should I have left right then? Perhaps, and in hindsight my leaving then would have forced him to fight for me back much more, and if we reconciled it would have been different. But that's not what happened, and despite what is happening now, I don't regret it.
The reason I forgave it is not because I am some desperate fool, but more because despite it really hurting me, and I am and was pissed, we were not exclusive at that point officially. And I made an assumption. And so I did see it as cheating but could also see that in his mind, it was not. Obviously I wasn't able in my heart to come to this same conclusion. The other reason was that, at the time of my discovery, things were amazing, and continued to be for a while. The fighting only started recently, when he was at a summer program which took him away.
Anyway I appreciate your thoughts, and I agree that time apart is the right thing. I also think he does have some thinking to do, and so do I. But I also think, and I am not that young nor naive, that it is pretty rare to have a connection like this, and I have dated enough people to recognize how hard that is to find. So yes, I still think he is worth it. But yes, only with both of us making some changes.
The reason I forgave it is not because I am some desperate fool, but more because despite it really hurting me, and I am and was pissed, we were not exclusive at that point officially. And I made an assumption. And so I did see it as cheating but could also see that in his mind, it was not. Obviously I wasn't able in my heart to come to this same conclusion. The other reason was that, at the time of my discovery, things were amazing, and continued to be for a while. The fighting only started recently, when he was at a summer program which took him away.
Anyway I appreciate your thoughts, and I agree that time apart is the right thing. I also think he does have some thinking to do, and so do I. But I also think, and I am not that young nor naive, that it is pretty rare to have a connection like this, and I have dated enough people to recognize how hard that is to find. So yes, I still think he is worth it. But yes, only with both of us making some changes.
ReallyNiceAriesPerson
Funny. 🙂 We did/do live together.
He said he felt numb in his email and it's been a painful week.
Funny. 🙂 We did/do live together.
He said he felt numb in his email and it's been a painful week.
You are healing and working out how to figure out this all in your head.
His stuff is still at the apartment. Kindly tell him to get that all straightened out and moved out so you don't have to be feeling icky about all that.
You gently noted he cheated, he did this, he did that, and things were rough. Yes you are feeling betrayed and hurt and distraught, but you have to get his stuff out of your apartment and make more and more steps to being apart from him completely. This way you can have space to think and feel and heal and rationalize this in a healthy way. Saying he did this, he did that, and he broke it off, but then he still has all his stuff at the apartment and the keys, is just not gonna let your mind rest. You need space, not a dysfunctional breaking up stage.
We wish you well.
His stuff is still at the apartment. Kindly tell him to get that all straightened out and moved out so you don't have to be feeling icky about all that.
You gently noted he cheated, he did this, he did that, and things were rough. Yes you are feeling betrayed and hurt and distraught, but you have to get his stuff out of your apartment and make more and more steps to being apart from him completely. This way you can have space to think and feel and heal and rationalize this in a healthy way. Saying he did this, he did that, and he broke it off, but then he still has all his stuff at the apartment and the keys, is just not gonna let your mind rest. You need space, not a dysfunctional breaking up stage.
We wish you well.
Posted by P-AngelPosted by idoru77
but I feel like he is the one and we are a really good match and if the security issue was addressed on my end, and I could make him feel like he can make me happy...things would be good.
He did tell me he thought that, too.
I only quoted that ^^^^ however, you alluded to the same thing several times in here, and I think it's pretty fucked up, to be honest.
For you to be aware of yourself and what you need to do is awesome, and I greatly admire people who take responsibility for themselves ... but, it appears to me that you are taking on his responsbility also.
So, he can cheat on you and it's basically your responsibility because he doesn't know how to make you happy due to you being insecure .... meanwhile, as you deal with yourself, he has no accountibility, and can break up with you taking no responsibility in all of this ... and you will do all the work, while he gets off scott free, yet, he's the one who fucked someone else?
Martyr much?click to expand
By the way idoru77: P-Angel is a Pisces and comments on every relationship post. P-Angel is not an Aries, and doesn't have insight in anything but their own opinion. I know you thought P-Angel was an Aries and was giving you 'tough love' but that isn't the case. Please don't think that this person's comment came from an Aries. We Aries love Virgos. Again wish you the best in healing from this breakup.
Posted by starlover
I am Aries rising...does that count? 😄
So sorry to hear what you are going through😢
Maybe this will be a good precedent for you in the future. Make yourself clear to any man you take up with..."if you want to be with me, be with me...any cheating...i am GONE"! Some people need everything s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g out. I am with an Aries and told him from the beginning "you are free to do as you will, but if you cheat, i am gone..i dont share my men"
((hugs))
xx
I think you are brilliant, the way you said that. Yes, this is probably a moment in your life where you make that precedent as starlover said. And that is a good thing. And yes, I agree, sadly seems like a lot of people need things spelled out.
Of course we don't get scared, or just we don't like to say that we ever get scared, but we definitely get sick of how people treat us, and sometimes decide to try things like stick around a relationship that only has a 60% chance of surviving because we feel at least this is trying something different instead of ending it fast, move on, find the next turd, end it fast, move on, repeat.
heroic_guy thank you for your insights. I agree his stuff needs to be removed, and I did pack it all up and move to the closet--furniture and such is a bit tricky. Living together and going through this makes it a lot more challenging. also I am glad to know Aries love Virgos, 🙂, I was feeling a little unloved with P-angel.
Yes--the relationship was broken at that moment. And yes, space then might have worked. I am not trying to say cheating is ok, but I have some insight into my Aries man, and I know he needs very clear boundaries! ImpressMe--you are dead right.
Whenever I have been wishy-washy about anything, Aries seems to take that to mean he can do whatever he likes. No offense but it is very childlike, where I have had to put boundaries into place. After the cheating I said, "If you cheat again, it is over."
What I should have said is, "If you cheat again, or if your lie again, or if your actions indicate that you might be thinking of cheating and my trust is broken, we are done. You need to help me feel that your words and behavior and actions are 100% invested in me."
AliCar15, I thought he was a Pieces rising, but the venus is challenging enough. 😉 Yes, the relationship was broken. I don't know why I thought I could fix it then without time apart.
The only reason I keep thinking I want him back--besides my Libra rising which is making me clingy--is because although we had fights and there is a trust issue, I know that with that gone (if I can get over it, if he can be trustworthy), we really are a good match. I realize this sounds immature and desperate, but at 37, I have found it very very difficult to find someone I can connect with on all levels. And at my age, it is harder because a lot of the great guys where I live are already married with kids. My Aries is the first person I have been able to really talk with about everything, and without him I wouldn't have been able to start something new with work. He motivates me, inspires me. We've had amazing times traveling this year and it has been FUN most of the time, 90% of the time, except for the last 5-6 weeks, in which it wasn't fun.
I am not saying I think I couldn't find someone else--I know I can. But I find it hard to believe I could possibly match this connection since, 20 years after dating I found this once. And yes, that is why it makes me pissed that he did what he did.
Yes--the relationship was broken at that moment. And yes, space then might have worked. I am not trying to say cheating is ok, but I have some insight into my Aries man, and I know he needs very clear boundaries! ImpressMe--you are dead right.
Whenever I have been wishy-washy about anything, Aries seems to take that to mean he can do whatever he likes. No offense but it is very childlike, where I have had to put boundaries into place. After the cheating I said, "If you cheat again, it is over."
What I should have said is, "If you cheat again, or if your lie again, or if your actions indicate that you might be thinking of cheating and my trust is broken, we are done. You need to help me feel that your words and behavior and actions are 100% invested in me."
AliCar15, I thought he was a Pieces rising, but the venus is challenging enough. 😉 Yes, the relationship was broken. I don't know why I thought I could fix it then without time apart.
The only reason I keep thinking I want him back--besides my Libra rising which is making me clingy--is because although we had fights and there is a trust issue, I know that with that gone (if I can get over it, if he can be trustworthy), we really are a good match. I realize this sounds immature and desperate, but at 37, I have found it very very difficult to find someone I can connect with on all levels. And at my age, it is harder because a lot of the great guys where I live are already married with kids. My Aries is the first person I have been able to really talk with about everything, and without him I wouldn't have been able to start something new with work. He motivates me, inspires me. We've had amazing times traveling this year and it has been FUN most of the time, 90% of the time, except for the last 5-6 weeks, in which it wasn't fun.
I am not saying I think I couldn't find someone else--I know I can. But I find it hard to believe I could possibly match this connection since, 20 years after dating I found this once. And yes, that is why it makes me pissed that he did what he did.
I am on your side, regarding having a tougher time finding someone you can relate to on all adult levels that you want for yourself. I find you very capable of finding it all, and just upset that you one of those tougher breakups, several of us this past year have been dealing with that as well.
Sounds like you are working through this well and yeah I think you do have more insight in your Aries than we do and are capable of handling with breakups and getting back together probably better than us Aries could understand in your shoes. So yeah, much respect to you Idoru77.
glad to see you posting on the boards
Sounds like you are working through this well and yeah I think you do have more insight in your Aries than we do and are capable of handling with breakups and getting back together probably better than us Aries could understand in your shoes. So yeah, much respect to you Idoru77.
glad to see you posting on the boards
🙂
Thanks heroic_guy
Well, you Aries are somewhat irrestible! ;0
Thank you all, and to Bluemoon again for the awesome reading, you are amazing. 🙂)
Thanks heroic_guy
Well, you Aries are somewhat irrestible! ;0
Thank you all, and to Bluemoon again for the awesome reading, you are amazing. 🙂)
@37 you are in your prime Idoru, you'll find someone, don't even think you won't b/c you will.
Posted by idoru77
I am glad to know Aries love Virgos, 🙂, I was feeling a little unloved with P-angel.
What the hell are you talking about?
Why should I love you? So, your mind can only process information if the other person makes you feel loved?
That's pretty irrational ... just as irrational as saying that Aries loves Virgos ... as if every Aries loves Virgos.
I told you the truth ... if you cannot handle the truth, then perhaps that is the real problem and not that your Aries man dicked another woman while professing his loyalty to you.
Posted by P-AngelPosted by idoru77
I am glad to know Aries love Virgos, 🙂, I was feeling a little unloved with P-angel.
What the hell are you talking about?
Why should I love you? So, your mind can only process information if the other person makes you feel loved?
That's pretty irrational ... just as irrational as saying that Aries loves Virgos ... as if every Aries loves Virgos.
I told you the truth ... if you cannot handle the truth, then perhaps that is the real problem and not that your Aries man dicked another woman while professing his loyalty to you.click to expand
I have insight in being an Aries male. I am not saying all Aries men are good to their lovers, but I know from lots of experience that Aries men tend to be straight forward and move on instead making things worse. As far as trying to stay together when things are rocky, again Aries have a very difficult time navigating the ups and downs of the other partner, because they want to sync up to a level of understanding both can be comfortable with.
As far as Aries liking Virgo people in general, that is true from my point of view, we can be good for each other, I have never dated a Virgo but under the right circumstances I can see myself with a Virgo quicker than other signs, for example Capricorn ...
As far as your original message you had on this topic about what the OP should do, you cut straight to dumping on him/her for being a bad situation with her ex. IT HAPPENS. You don't have to make a judgement call on the individual, especially with barely getting to know the situation before cutting to something like, "well you are dumb for ding x,y,z".
Basically what I want you to know P-Angel, is that you are only dogged on here so much because you are constructive usually and downright trying to cut the bullshit by adding your own bullshit to the mix.
If everyone wanted your opinion without hearing everyone else they would surely ask, and I guess some do. Anyway.
With my experience with Virgo, it tends to be good in the beginning but deteriorates over time. For me, it doesn't work. I can't even be good friends with most Virgos (including my mom).
It's because Aries is an open honest sign that very directly moves forward. While virgo can be a little closed off on what they are really thinking and they hold on to what happened in the past.
And the main issue here is that you won't let go of the past. To an Aries, something like being unfaithful in the beginning of a relationship is a big deal. But he apologized for it. He tried to learn from it and move on.
I can't stand actually lying to someone I care about. I know how to manipulate people and make them happy by lying; and I'll do it to people I don't care about (because I know they won't take the time to understand what I actually mean).
Hell, he could have just never told you he had cheated and you would have been perfectly content, probably never would have known. But he cares. So he told you. And he told you why and said he would never do it again, but you can't accept that. You can't let go of it.
That's where virgo's and aries just don't get along. Aries are constantly changing, bettering themselves with experience. But virgo relies on the past to judge what will happen in the future. They can't drop anything. They are suspicious. They create a theory and everything relates to that theory for months, but won't tell anyone what that theory is.
Like if I slept into school, to my Virgo mom, it's because 3 weeks ago I said I hated walking in the cold, and now my mom has to drive me to get there on time... (which is very unfair for her because I just don't like the cold) um no mom, it's because the alarm got unplugged.
The main point is: Aries is very honest to loved ones. Virgo can't believe anyone is honest, and that's why we generally don't mesh. I'm not saying you are bad people for being skeptical, I just don't get along with you.
It's because Aries is an open honest sign that very directly moves forward. While virgo can be a little closed off on what they are really thinking and they hold on to what happened in the past.
And the main issue here is that you won't let go of the past. To an Aries, something like being unfaithful in the beginning of a relationship is a big deal. But he apologized for it. He tried to learn from it and move on.
I can't stand actually lying to someone I care about. I know how to manipulate people and make them happy by lying; and I'll do it to people I don't care about (because I know they won't take the time to understand what I actually mean).
Hell, he could have just never told you he had cheated and you would have been perfectly content, probably never would have known. But he cares. So he told you. And he told you why and said he would never do it again, but you can't accept that. You can't let go of it.
That's where virgo's and aries just don't get along. Aries are constantly changing, bettering themselves with experience. But virgo relies on the past to judge what will happen in the future. They can't drop anything. They are suspicious. They create a theory and everything relates to that theory for months, but won't tell anyone what that theory is.
Like if I slept into school, to my Virgo mom, it's because 3 weeks ago I said I hated walking in the cold, and now my mom has to drive me to get there on time... (which is very unfair for her because I just don't like the cold) um no mom, it's because the alarm got unplugged.
The main point is: Aries is very honest to loved ones. Virgo can't believe anyone is honest, and that's why we generally don't mesh. I'm not saying you are bad people for being skeptical, I just don't get along with you.
"Like if I slept into school, to my Virgo mom, it's because 3 weeks ago I said I hated walking in the cold, and now my mom has to drive me to get there on time... (which is very unfair for her because I just don't like the cold) um no mom, it's because the alarm got unplugged.
The main point is: Aries is very honest to loved ones. Virgo can't believe anyone is honest, and that's why we generally don't mesh. I'm not saying you are bad people for being skeptical, I just don't get along with you."
I'm thinking maybe she feels you do that a bit too often, like lie to get your way so she suspects you can easily lie whenever. When someone is honest, or says they are, 100% , chances are good that they slip in a lie that they try to have it never get found out.
This Aries girl I once knew had a Virgo Dad. She ALWAYS lied to him, and as a result, he never believed her even when she told the truth. Sort of like a "boy who cried wolf" situation.. I'd still say the Aries girl Always had an upper hand though, because she is a quicker thinker and can act innocent. I always witnessed her father desperately questioning her and her lying through her teeth. An Aries child is not easy for a Virgo, and you're right, both essentially dont get along.
The main point is: Aries is very honest to loved ones. Virgo can't believe anyone is honest, and that's why we generally don't mesh. I'm not saying you are bad people for being skeptical, I just don't get along with you."
I'm thinking maybe she feels you do that a bit too often, like lie to get your way so she suspects you can easily lie whenever. When someone is honest, or says they are, 100% , chances are good that they slip in a lie that they try to have it never get found out.
This Aries girl I once knew had a Virgo Dad. She ALWAYS lied to him, and as a result, he never believed her even when she told the truth. Sort of like a "boy who cried wolf" situation.. I'd still say the Aries girl Always had an upper hand though, because she is a quicker thinker and can act innocent. I always witnessed her father desperately questioning her and her lying through her teeth. An Aries child is not easy for a Virgo, and you're right, both essentially dont get along.
Posted by spica
I'm thinking maybe she feels you do that a bit too often, like lie to get your way so she suspects you can easily lie whenever. When someone is honest, or says they are, 100% , chances are good that they slip in a lie that they try to have it never get found out.
This Aries girl I once knew had a Virgo Dad. She ALWAYS lied to him, and as a result, he never believed her even when she told the truth. Sort of like a "boy who cried wolf" situation.. I'd still say the Aries girl Always had an upper hand though, because she is a quicker thinker and can act innocent. I always witnessed her father desperately questioning her and her lying through her teeth. An Aries child is not easy for a Virgo, and you're right, both essentially dont get along.
I was always extremely honest with my mom and we were close for most of my life. It was when she didn't believe me and I was telling the truth that our relationship fell apart (a couple of years ago). Now I don't feel as close to her, so it's true, I don't want to tell her the truth anymore. But not because it's easier. It's because it hurts to be completely honest with someone and not be believed, especially when you didn't give them a reason to no longer trust you. So I don't tell her the truth and give her the opportunity to hurt me. I'm not a slut or a drug addicted, so I don't have anything major to lie about anyways.
She didn't trust me anymore because all her other kids have become druggies, drop-outs, and knocked up, but that wasn't my fault.
She won't recognize any of this and we will never got along. That's fine. I love her, but I'm not close to her and I can't be honest with her anymore (it's not like I'm lying about anything important, just how I feel mainly.) At least not until she learns to trust ME first.
Anyways what my point for the op is: in the long-term, Aries becomes more and more open and honest with loved ones, while virgo's seem to get more suspicious. This just doesn't work for Aries. It's confusing and painful; we want to love but we keep getting hurt and don't know why. Most of all we feel like it's our fault because we do start being dishonest. Which is completely against our nature.
I can't deal with it. I've had a virgo mom and a virgo boyfriend. It's too hard.
@Bri and totally off topic, my mother is also an Aries and I just don't tell her stuff now because as kid she never believed me. I told the truth (because being a dumb dopey Aries I didn't know any better!) and she just steamrolled over the top of me and believed what she wanted...accused me of having sex with some guy😢 and all sorts of b/s.
I certainly have no love for her, due to this and some other stuff and while I still never lie to her, I try to keep conversations to everyday pleasantries and never talk about myself.
She always sends "lots of love" and crap and asks how I am and I am just "too late already - don't want to hear it."
I certainly have no love for her, due to this and some other stuff and while I still never lie to her, I try to keep conversations to everyday pleasantries and never talk about myself.
She always sends "lots of love" and crap and asks how I am and I am just "too late already - don't want to hear it."
Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPerson
@Bri and totally off topic, my mother is also an Aries and I just don't tell her stuff now because as kid she never believed me. I told the truth (because being a dumb dopey Aries I didn't know any better!) and she just steamrolled over the top of me and believed what she wanted...accused me of having sex with some guy😢 and all sorts of b/s.
I certainly have no love for her, due to this and some other stuff and while I still never lie to her, I try to keep conversations to everyday pleasantries and never talk about myself.
She always sends "lots of love" and crap and asks how I am and I am just "too late already - don't want to hear it."
Hm, my mom is a virgo, not an aries. But other things could have made your mom that way. It's not always extreme with virgo relationships and the problem occurs in other relationships too. I just think the problem is exaggerated with aries/virgo relationships because of the aries nature.
I've detached from all the hurt I felt because of her not believing me. It took me realizing exactly where the pain came from to get over it.
Now I'm looking at her life, which has really really sucked. It has left her a skeptical sad old women; but after my dad died she still worked two-full time jobs and went back to school to care for me. She's skeptical because she worries that I will turn out bad like everyone else in the world (and most of her other kids). She will always be judgemental and never believe me. So I won't be completely honest with her so I don't get hurt. (I won't let her know that I'm not being honest on purpose, I will do whatever it takes to prove to her I am a good person and her time has not been wasted; even if it means over-exaggerating and only showing my good qualities)
I will still spend time with her, tell her I love her, and try to make her happy.
All you should do in life is what needs to be done. She's depressed and wants to feel loved. She needs it, so I will do it, no matter what.
Join the Conversation. Explore Yourself. Connect with Others.
Discover insights, swap stories, and find people. dxpnet is where experiences turn into understanding.
Create Your Free Account →Related Topics
ive been with my aries sun/gemini moon man for almost two years. i'm sick of this long distance relationship and I've to
ugghhh.... how rude!!!! its been like threee daysss...... and i only got one text of him saying he is still alive....
if an aries man tells you to tell be honest with him, and let out ur feelings... so you dont stress ... should i? l
I Thought an Aries man was the best,... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM No, they dont have NOTHING on a Capricorn. Capricorns are nummy!
is it normal for an aries man to fall head over heals for a girl, and spend hours on the phone talking to them for days.
Aries men/ Venus Pisces! I have observed many Aries men but have not got the inside details on their birthchart. But
well...what do you think? would you go out with one? I have a bad experience with an Aries/Taurus cusper...but I will
So me and this Aries guy dated off/on and kinda got serious for about 8 months...... Towards the end I realized he wa
I clearly have landed the most difficult one, with his Sun and Moon both in Aries! So, after our last awkward date,
Hi Guys, I would appreciate as much advice from you all as you can possibly give me... I am loosing my head.. I know h
How do they act? Do they forgive quickly I mean inside not just saying they do or hold the grudge for a long?
SO I know this will sound so simple but.... I went on a great date with an Aries man in the middle of April and even he
So considering how awkward the Aries man and mine's last date was, I want to plan something which makes things easy for
Hello All:) I came here to ask all the savvy Pisces males and gals to help my Aries heart find some peace. To keep
Hey all, I wanted to share something naughty today. I don't know about other Aries males, but i used to get horny since
So, I was introduced to my Aries man about two months ago. We hit it off, laughed for ages on our first evening together
so my aries bff and me were talking about my hair because i just got back from the salon. she had been saying that she w
I have noticed that my aries man are always talking about the bible, church and quoting diferrent scriptures from the bi
My Aries moved in after 7 months, great love, incredible match and compatbility. Fun. I discovered after month 9 he cheated in month 2, and I forgave him (he claimed being scared and thinking it was a last fling since he was so serious about me). I never was secure again with us after that. We had great times, but whenever he traveled or went out for the night I became "that girl" who would be very accusing. To be fair he was dishonest a few times such as saying he was at a bar with a guy friend and later I discover he was at a girl's party. I am 37, btw and he is 33, and his longest relationship prior to me was 6 months, so we had some freedom/independence issues.
In July, Aries went to LA for a weekend and posted a bunch of pics of him and friends--including girls--on facebook. I was very upset since he never posts pictures of us and he also failed to mention he had seen any of these girls (but mentioned all the guys he saw down there). I overreacted and broke up with him on the phone. Yes, I know. We didn't speak for 3 days and he then sent me the most romantic, loving email I have ever received--about how I was the one for him and he loved me more than anyone and felt like he kept hurting me and didn't know why I couldn't see i meant the world to him. We got back together, but we did not work on the core issues--namely 1. my insecurity and 2. his trying to avoid some situations that are going to be hard for me.
So...the past month he has legitimately been trying, and being amazing, but I have still been looking to him for validation--and looking for reasons not to trust him. Lots of awful fights. 😢 On Wed last week he ended it, saying it was because I want kids someday and he is not sure, and the time to end things is now. I know this is not the reason and it is more that he doesn't know how to make me happy. Note on the breakup--he sobbed and cried and said he loved me, and was really, really devastated. I did not cry but told him I wished this wasn't happening.
After the breakup, for the first time I have realized that I can't be looking to him for validation of my own security and self worth and that no wonder nothing has been resolved--he tries and nothing makes me happy because despite my love for him, I need to work on ME. I love him and want him. The problem is, he's gone. W