tips wanted for living with stubborn & lazy(?) Cancerian male?

been with my cancer man for just over 3 years, living together for 2.5 years ......this is my longest r/ship (but not his) and we bought a house together last year.

I'm on the pisces/aries cusp so not typical aries and he's very stubborn cancer, with aries in the mix somewhere.

anyways, i'm struggling lately with his stubbornness. for example, he is so messy around the house and doesn't see it. it has caused arguments as I hate seeing his stuff dumped everywhere (kitchen mostly) as he's too lazy to put it in the bin/dishwasher. he's 1 of 3 boys and his mother has OCD so I guess he is used to a woman tidying up around him. if I ask him to put wrappers in the bin etc, he says he will later, or why don't I do it if it bothers me!? why should I have to pick up after him, surely that will make him even lazier? (I think I was spoiled having a neat & tidy virgo dad?)

if I ever ask him to do something, he will say he will do it later even if there is no obvious reason preventing him doing it sooner. I used to be like this as a teenage aries but grew out of it! if he's like this at 30, is there hope he will grow out of it?

lately if we have been in his car going somewhere through country lanes, I don't feel safe the speed he's going (its his regular work route) and that's saying something as im a fast driver......but he is so stubborn and refuses to lower his speed to something I feel safe/comfortable. it turns in to an argument.....if he had another passenger then he would need to be considerate but its like whenever I ask him something he digs his heels in or put it at the bottom of his priority list? we have discussed it before but some things don't change, although he is getting better at tidying up after meals.. his attitude is really distancing me from him! 😢

I don't think its necessarily the way I ask, because I am conscious to ask in a non nagging way. but it feels like he takes me for granted and can act like he wants with no consideration for others.

he tells me he loves me a LOT but for me, actions speak louder than words, id rather he be seen to be more proactive/ help around OUR home than just tell me he loves me....its losing meaning and I'm feeling distant 😢

can anyone offer me some wisdom?

I will just be bitter if I have to tidy up after him like a mother would a child

Sit him down and explain you're not his Mom.

Does he have an area of the house that is just his and his alone? I recommend taking his mess and moving all of it to his space - even if his space is just his side of the bed or bathroom sink.

Yes, it will be messy and inconvenient for you, but hell, it already is. If you've tried talking and it's not working, we'll then.. actions speak louder than words 🙂

Stop tidying up after him. Let the sink fill up with dirty dishes and the trash build up on the ground.

It'll be a disgusting way to live for the next few weeks or so but it has to happen to have a chance of getting through to him.

what are your moon signs? if these are in conflict between couples it may exacerbate or not show until they move in together.

http://sasstrology.com/2008/06/moon-and-moving-in-together.html

Leave. Stay somewhere else for a while. Let him know that you need some time and space to decide if you two are really meant to be. Don't contact him, or respond to him. Show him that if he refuses to meet you half way, you're not going to stick around to become his new mom. He's an adult and needs to act like one.

If he really cares, he'll put in the effort to bring you back, if not, you have your answer.

Posted by rabidtalker
what are your moon signs? if these are in conflict between couples it may exacerbate or not show until they move in together.

http://sasstrology.com/2008/06/moon-and-moving-in-together.html

Tks for this

Posted by CalmCrab22
Tks for this

No prob, for us crabs aspects to the moon are super important, imo.

Start out how you're going to keep out.

You began the relationship cleaning up after him, and now he's gotten complacent.

First mistake...

You bought a house together, you're not married to him, nor were you renting an apartment with him as a trial basis. Instead you dived right in and played 'wifey'. You're bonded to him by that house, its either you live in his filth or clean up his mess. I am not living in anyone's filth. Roaches are not crawling up my ass because you're nasty and filthy. Total deal breaker for me.

Second Mistake...

His reckless driving. The two of you will procreate and have children some day. Who wants to get behind the wheel with Daddy?

I agree with LuckyLibra979,

At 30, no hope there.

My advice, clean his boxers and pray when the kids come, they're riding in your car.

Posted by cleopatra
been with my cancer man for just over 3 years, living together for 2.5 years ......this is my longest r/ship (but not his) and we bought a house together last year.

I'm on the pisces/aries cusp so not typical aries and he's very stubborn cancer, with aries in the mix somewhere.

anyways, i'm struggling lately with his stubbornness. for example, he is so messy around the house and doesn't see it. it has caused arguments as I hate seeing his stuff dumped everywhere (kitchen mostly) as he's too lazy to put it in the bin/dishwasher. he's 1 of 3 boys and his mother has OCD so I guess he is used to a woman tidying up around him. if I ask him to put wrappers in the bin etc, he says he will later, or why don't I do it if it bothers me!? why should I have to pick up after him, surely that will make him even lazier? (I think I was spoiled having a neat & tidy virgo dad?)

if I ever ask him to do something, he will say he will do it later even if there is no obvious reason preventing him doing it sooner. I used to be like this as a teenage aries but grew out of it! if he's like this at 30, is there hope he will grow out of it?

lately if we have been in his car going somewhere through country lanes, I don't feel safe the speed he's going (its his regular work route) and that's saying something as im a fast driver......but he is so stubborn and refuses to lower his speed to something I feel safe/comfortable. it turns in to an argument.....if he had another passenger then he would need to be considerate but its like whenever I ask him something he digs his heels in or put it at the bottom of his priority list? we have discussed it before but some things don't change, although he is getting better at tidying up after meals.. his attitude is really distancing me from him! 😢

I don't think its necessarily the way I ask, because I am conscious to ask in a non nagging way. but it feels like he takes me for granted and can act like he wants with no consideration for others.

he tells me he loves me a LOT but for me, actions speak louder than words, id rather he be seen to be more proactive/ help around OUR home than just tell me he loves me....its losing meaning and I'm feeling distant 😢

can anyone offer me some wisdom?

Yup.

It's never going to change.

You're absolutely right when you said that

actions speak louder than words-- they do.

I've dumped people for this shit.

That's not love.



Where's your VENUS... Pisces?

Posted by rabidtalker
what are your moon signs? if these are in conflict between couples it may exacerbate or not show until they move in together.

http://sasstrology.com/2008/06/moon-and-moving-in-together.html

mine is sagg and his is scorpio

our rising/ asc is me - leo, him - aries

?

Posted by TaurusBull1977
Start out how you're going to keep out.

You began the relationship cleaning up after him, and now he's gotten complacent.

First mistake...

You bought a house together, you're not married to him, nor were you renting an apartment with him as a trial basis. Instead you dived right in and played 'wifey'. You're bonded to him by that house, its either you live in his filth or clean up his mess. I am not living in anyone's filth. Roaches are not crawling up my ass because you're nasty and filthy. Total deal breaker for me.

Second Mistake...

His reckless driving. The two of you will procreate and have children some day. Who wants to get behind the wheel with Daddy?

I agree with LuckyLibra979,

At 30, no hope there.

My advice, clean his boxers and pray when the kids come, they're riding in your car.

Wrong! we rented a place together at 6 months and have rented together for 2 yrs+ until we bought last year!

I don't clean up after him! I do get after him sometimes about it and it eventually gets done. its not dirty just messy.

Posted by Andalusia
Does he have an area of the house that is just his and his alone? I recommend taking his mess and moving all of it to his space - even if his space is just his side of the bed or bathroom sink.

Yes, it will be messy and inconvenient for you, but hell, it already is. If you've tried talking and it's not working, we'll then.. actions speak louder than words 🙂

my side of the bedroom is tidy, his is not. I mean Im not tidy allllll of the time, but most of the time. I have lazy days too. we did set up a chore rota but neither of us have followed it recently. but I look at mess and feel stressed. he is more laid back. it helps when family are visiting as we both have a super clean lol. maybe I should invite family over more often!?

he has a workshop which he spends a lot of time in when he's not working full time (I am equally busy with the horses)

Posted by cleopatra

Posted by Andalusia
Does he have an area of the house that is just his and his alone? I recommend taking his mess and moving all of it to his space - even if his space is just his side of the bed or bathroom sink.

Yes, it will be messy and inconvenient for you, but hell, it already is. If you've tried talking and it's not working, we'll then.. actions speak louder than words 🙂

my side of the bedroom is tidy, his is not. I mean Im not tidy allllll of the time, but most of the time. I have lazy days too. we did set up a chore rota but neither of us have followed it recently. but I look at mess and feel stressed. he is more laid back. it helps when family are visiting as we both have a super clean lol. maybe I should invite family over more often!?

he has a workshop which he spends a lot of time in when he's not working full time (I am equally busy with the horses)

click to expand

Do you see how you started this thread telling us all about how lazy and stubborn he is, and he refuses to clean up, but now that we are offering advice, you're excusing his behavior, and acting like it's not that bad?

Ok so if you're also not that tidy, what's the problem exactly?

Posted by cleopatra

Posted by TaurusBull1977
Start out how you're going to keep out.

You began the relationship cleaning up after him, and now he's gotten complacent.

First mistake...

You bought a house together, you're not married to him, nor were you renting an apartment with him as a trial basis. Instead you dived right in and played 'wifey'. You're bonded to him by that house, its either you live in his filth or clean up his mess. I am not living in anyone's filth. Roaches are not crawling up my ass because you're nasty and filthy. Total deal breaker for me.

Second Mistake...

His reckless driving. The two of you will procreate and have children some day. Who wants to get behind the wheel with Daddy?

I agree with LuckyLibra979,

At 30, no hope there.

My advice, clean his boxers and pray when the kids come, they're riding in your car.

Wrong! we rented a place together at 6 months and have rented together for 2 yrs+ until we bought last year!

I don't clean up after him! I do get after him sometimes about it and it eventually gets done. its not dirty just messy.

click to expand

This is even worse.

You experienced what it was like renting a space with him for two + years.

But yet, proceeded to buy a house with him anyway.

Making a permanent commitment with someone who hasn't permanently committed to you.

No wedding ring + reckless driver + Mommy Cleanup+ Man/Boy at 30 = Good Luck.

You don't have a choice at this moment but to clean up after him.

He's more than comfortable.

Neither of you can leave the filthy house.

The two of you are owners of this home.



I sincerely DO wish you luck.

Only good vibes.