Can someone help me understand my Libra father's behaviour?

Long story short - I grew up being physically/emotionally/psychologically/verbally neglected and abused by both of my parents. It was a tumultuous household. I hit a point of mental health issues overload several years ago and have been in therapy, and my at-home coping skills had only been to distance myself from my parents in self-protection.

After a lot of research into narcissistic parents recently, I'm coming to the realization that my mother may be narcissistic (I also experienced and suffered every single classic thing described on the list by the psychologist), and I believe my father is a codependent. He's always been too catering towards my mother, and I used to feel bad for the way she'd treat him as well, like always emotionally and verbally taking it out on him. Anyway I don't think he sees it or realizes that that's not right. As he has always sided with my mother in opinions/feelings/thoughts whenever something would come up or scapegoat me whenever my mother would victimize herself, and there were periods in my younger years where he would toggle between being super distant/detached and taking his anger out on me (in hindsight recently I realized it is possible that up until my teenaged years, I had acted a lot like my mother from absorbing/mimicking toxic behaviour from her and I'd treat him the same way she treated him, so I think because I reminded him of her, he took it out on me and also because he projected his own low self-worth/lack of confidence onto me).

As an adult from an objective viewpoint, I see the toxicity of the cycle of because they didn't love themselves and abused me as a child, my anger and resentment comes full circle back at them and they react even more negatively to me - blaming me as if everything is my fault. Because I still live with them, my only way I knew to cope was detach/distant myself and "gray rock" which I learned recently is a term. They leave me alone for the most part and on the outside, they have been trying to gain my approval, but I know my mother constantly talks shit about me behind my back to everyone and slanders me.

I was depressed for the longest time and I never knew "Why" exactly until it hit me a few years ago it was because of the chronic abuse - I always felt empathy for them growing up and would give excuses for them. I've been trying so hard to love myself in the last year since my inability to have relationships with any men has been a constant issue in my life. The more I have been trying to love myself unconditionally, the more I see how distorted it was that I truly believed myself to be a "bad" person because all they ever instilled in me was a weird mix of narcissistic/superficial attention and then hatred/blame/shame.

Anyway so shit has been hitting the fan lately, because I'm struggling in mental health more these days I've been having emotional blow-up moments, and my parents have become even more reactive to that and used it as an opportunity to belittle/guilt/shame/blame me. They literally would use every single opportunity to try to control/micromanage/guilt/criticize/judge me and that was the reason why I had to completely mentally and emotionally check out from the relationship. They may never ever change and I don't intend to change them, nor will bringing up anything make them "understand" me (they don't care about my feelings). Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them, but I've decided I'm ready to move on with my life and to do that I have to let go of my own anger and resentment.

My father yesterday sent me a message (communication troubles in this family) belitting me and asking why I'm such a horrible person, why I turned out this way even though I had education, why I hate them so much. I would've gotten triggered at him trying to make me believe the reality that I am a bad person, but everybody else outside of my family actually knows me for who I am. He has a pisces moon, virgo mars and scorpio rising and venus so I'm not sure if he's trying to hurt me on purpose, or he's enmeshed in my mother's anger at me (she blew up at me recently). His sun is in the 12th house if that's any more info. Also I am a scorpio moon myself so that gives you an idea of how toxic my mother figure (represented by moon) is.

Cut them off if it's affecting your mental health and they can't benefit you or your life. You can always come back and re evaluate the situation at a later date, if you wish.

Is having them in your life hindering you in a negative way? Do you actually need contact with your parents, besides just being related to them?

If you are an adult and living on your own, take a little family break from them to get your mental health back in order.

This is your life, not theirs. Don't let them ruin the only chance you have at being healthy and happy. You only have this one to live, so do what make you feel better.

You don't owe your parents anything just because they gave birth to you.

Posted by saggurl88

Cut them off if it's affecting your mental health and they can't benefit you or your life. You can always come back and re evaluate the situation at a later date, if you wish.

Is having them in your life hindering you in a negative way? Do you actually need contact with your parents, besides just being related to them?

If you are an adult and living on your own, take a little family break from them to get your mental health back in order.

This is your life, not theirs. Don't let them ruin the only chance you have at being healthy and happy. You only have this one to live, so do what make you feel better.

You don't owe your parents anything just because they gave birth to you.

Thank you. You're so right. I'm realizing I have a ton of internalized guilt and shame that's making me undermine my own worth, capabilities and everything good in my life. Or even thinking I deserve happiness in relationships. It's so hard but I'm going to take those facts forward and release the old beliefs I had, so that I can actually treat myself with the love and respect I deserve for once. Not put up with being controlled and emotionally abused at this age.

Posted by Wizardz

Your father feels helpless so he is taking out his anger and frustration by focusing it onto you

The problem with these relationships is your trust levels are going to be in pieces right now. If you can't trust your family then it really messes with you. Obviously you need to get away and live away from them but I understand that can be hard to do. There are emotional bonds that keep you tied to them, trauma bonding.

Yeah it's messing me up and I remembered how I sacrificed the things I wanted for my life for their approval or for fear of actually being happy... man growing up is hard lol. Now he's trying to guilt trip me and use the old tactic of if I were dead you wouldnt have a father like me. My heart's been hurting so much cause it's the exact way he used to actively abuse me growing up, and I'm remembering why I distanced myself in the first place. No one should have to be demoralized like that, parents project all their own expectations, pains and ideals onto their children and refuse to see them as a free individual

Try to find your own place or rent a room

Only the. Can you start to heal.

People go to therapy to heal and make sense of the actions of someone who actually needs therapy. Its ironic when you think about it.