Realizing I have attachment issues...

I am 24, and I thought I was an open person, who didn't let her past effect new people in her life because they didn't give me the issues that I have. I guess this "wall" I have up is buried so deep that I disguise it to make it seem to everyone including myself that I am letting them in when I really am not. I have had two female friends in the past really hurt me badly and I have a "best friend" now and she feels we are really close I am even the god mother of her child but she has displayed certain behavior I deem as unreliable, so I have not let her close to me like I have let others in the past. This makes me fearful for my relationships as well, I just recently ended an 8 year relationship with a man I thought I would be with forever. He is the last person I get that close to me that knew everything about me. I am afraid that I will never be able to let another person in that close because any signs of a person being unreliable or I can't trust them, I remove myself, I try to give chances but it's like what's the point even because when they come back it won't be easy I won't ever trust them like how I did when I first met them. I give the full trust after I get to know them and then observe their behavior and even do things that I know they will break my trust i.e. loan them money, trust them with something I need like a favor and nothing big just can I count on them to be there when I just need to talk and as soon as they fail I obsess over the issue constantly for a few weeks then I get over it and move on. Has anyone else felt this way or gone through this stage?

Posted by Rozaeon
If i may ask you something, did you take the time to heal properly in the first place ? Have you take the time for yourself ?

Yea, at least I like I do, those girl friends I had were in high school and I am still like that even after both apologized for what they did. Even though I had already forgave them don't get me wrong I don't hold grudges against anyone, I forgive them before they apologize. Because I know I have a big heart and no one in this world owes me anything and everything I do, I do out of the kindness of my heart and genuine intention. I spend a lot of time alone, that's what I prefer, I don't like people at my home that often I rather go to them so I know I can leave if I get annoyed or uncomfortable. My phone doesn't ring constantly or anything like that but I am very social in the right settings. That's what gets people so confused, it's like we have a great time and they ask for my number and then never hear from me again unless they have really made an impression on me, which isn't often.

Your Scorpio moon is holding you back.

It's going to quite the challenge for you moving forward.

Posted by CheVirgo
Yeah I know the feeling being a person who loves unconditionally now has to set conditions because of other people actions. This is a greedy world an if you don't protect yourself you will continue to go through these unfortunate circumstances. I hate to say it but a lot of alone time might be needed.

I have had a lot of a lone time actually only the past 8 months I have been the most social and outgoing in 2 years, it changed me I became mean and bitter in those two years so I forced myself to go out and I always have a good time don't get me wrong but it's always the people I choose to let in. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself?

Posted by Adreamuponwaking
Your Scorpio moon is holding you back.

It's going to quite the challenge for you moving forward.

My moon is in Virgo lol

Posted by Rozaeon

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by Rozaeon
If i may ask you something, did you take the time to heal properly in the first place ? Have you take the time for yourself ?

Yea, at least I like I do, those girl friends I had were in high school and I am still like that even after both apologized for what they did. Even though I had already forgave them don't get me wrong I don't hold grudges against anyone, I forgive them before they apologize. Because I know I have a big heart and no one in this world owes me anything and everything I do, I do out of the kindness of my heart and genuine intention. I spend a lot of time alone, that's what I prefer, I don't like people at my home that often I rather go to them so I know I can leave if I get annoyed or uncomfortable. My phone doesn't ring constantly or anything like that but I am very social in the right settings. That's what gets people so confused, it's like we have a great time and they ask for my number and then never hear from me again unless they have really made an impression on me, which isn't often.

This. You have to protect your heart

It's a great thing that you had the strength to forgive but don't give your trust like that if you already know that it will be broken in the end.

It takes time to let people in after that kind of stage, it takes time too to see which people are really worth it, and it takes even more time to heal completely

click to expand

Yea but I have never been the type of person to make someone else "break down walls" they did not cause to be built. This new person did cause my trust issues so why not trust them? I mean I understand everything you are saying don't get me wrong, but i see so many people doing that putting up walls and making others break them down because they have been hurt. Well everyone has been hurt at some point. I'm not the only person that has been hurt or back stabbed in this world so I should make the next person pay for the last persons mistakes right? Idk I'm torn between logic and emotion

Posted by Capz
you came alone in this heart you leave alone. loyalty is something so rare. focus on yourself pinky

I'm trying my best to but I feel the more I focus on myself the more I lose what I feel my purpose is.

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by Adreamuponwaking
Your Scorpio moon is holding you back.

It's going to quite the challenge for you moving forward.

My moon is in Virgo lol

click to expand

not according to your handle..i think

Posted by Adreamuponwaking

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by Adreamuponwaking
Your Scorpio moon is holding you back.

It's going to quite the challenge for you moving forward.

My moon is in Virgo lol

not according to your handle..i think

click to expand

♏️ Scorpio

♍️ Virgo

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by Adreamuponwaking

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by Adreamuponwaking
Your Scorpio moon is holding you back.

It's going to quite the challenge for you moving forward.

My moon is in Virgo lol

not according to your handle..i think

♏️ Scorpio

♍️ Virgo

click to expand

oh wow that's a subtle difference.lol

Sounds like you have an issue with throwing in the towel too easily. It takes a long time to form a strong bond and you cannot give up at the first sign of trouble, esp without voicing it with them first.

I stayed very much alone from the age of 24-30 after a bad relationship and feeling I had no one around me not even family. I totally isolated myself, it was awful and took me a long time to refocus my lens to a more positive, fulfilling, forgiving life-when I did it blossomed and I met a great man 2 years later.

I needed that alone time though as hard it was. Don't overanalyze your relationships and internalize your emotions/expectations-people need boundaries, they always will and you have to teach people what is okay for you and what isn't, but do take a long hard look at yourself also and make sure your expectations arent unrealistic.

Posted by CheVirgo

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by CheVirgo
Yeah I know the feeling being a person who loves unconditionally now has to set conditions because of other people actions. This is a greedy world an if you don't protect yourself you will continue to go through these unfortunate circumstances. I hate to say it but a lot of alone time might be needed.

I have had a lot of a lone time actually only the past 8 months I have been the most social and outgoing in 2 years, it changed me I became mean and bitter in those two years so I forced myself to go out and I always have a good time don't get me wrong but it's always the people I choose to let in. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself?

Yeah don't be hard on yourself the world is gonna do that for you. I had childhood friends who we were in diapers together turn their backs on me. I been in isolation and found myself too. It made me rigid and brutally honest with not just myself but with others, let people know your boundaries and don't settle for less. A true friend or significant other will understand if not then tell them to walk their ass on. It's not mean you have to protect yourself.

click to expand

It's hard for me to completely cut people off unless they have really hurt me. I hate confrontation, so I just remove myself from the situation unless someone really fucked up then I have no problem telling them so. Most of the time though I just disappear to obsess and lick my wounds and then move on. The people who have hurt me always come back though ALWAYS and that the thing that bugs the crap out of me like why? Just stay gone because it's going to be A LOT harder when they come back and I will never trust them like ever it's like because I give them all of my trust in the beginning it's like when you had it why didn't you cherish it? Now I can't rock with you like that, you will always be at a distance with me.

Posted by LibraLovesHim
Sounds like you have an issue with throwing in the towel too easily. It takes a long time to form a strong bond and you cannot give up at the first sign of trouble, esp without voicing it with them first.

I stayed very much alone from the age of 24-30 after a bad relationship and feeling I had no one around me not even family. I totally isolated myself, it was awful and took me a long time to refocus my lens to a more positive, fulfilling, forgiving life-when I did it blossomed and I met a great man 2 years later.

I needed that alone time though as hard it was. Don't overanalyze your relationships and internalize your emotions/expectations-people need boundaries, they always will and you have to teach people what is okay for you and what isn't, but do take a long hard look at yourself also and make sure your expectations arent unrealistic.

See that's hard when you say I give up too easily, but don't make my expectations unrealistic.

That's a hard balance to achieve, and I don't give up entirely, it's just when they break it once it will never be the same. Especially in the beginning like only knowing them 2-3 months, if it's broken with in that time, I will never fully trust that person. If it happens years down the line like 2+ years then yes I forgive and move on. But now I push all of my flaws forward and try to be as transparent as possible with my wants and expectation of ANY relationship friend or not.

Maybe I am over thinking all of this...

Posted by Rozaeon

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by Rozaeon

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by Rozaeon
If i may ask you something, did you take the time to heal properly in the first place ? Have you take the time for yourself ?

Yea, at least I like I do, those girl friends I had were in high school and I am still like that even after both apologized for what they did. Even though I had already forgave them don't get me wrong I don't hold grudges against anyone, I forgive them before they apologize. Because I know I have a big heart and no one in this world owes me anything and everything I do, I do out of the kindness of my heart and genuine intention. I spend a lot of time alone, that's what I prefer, I don't like people at my home that often I rather go to them so I know I can leave if I get annoyed or uncomfortable. My phone doesn't ring constantly or anything like that but I am very social in the right settings. That's what gets people so confused, it's like we have a great time and they ask for my number and then never hear from me again unless they have really made an impression on me, which isn't often.

This. You have to protect your heart

It's a great thing that you had the strength to forgive but don't give your trust like that if you already know that it will be broken in the end.

It takes time to let people in after that kind of stage, it takes time too to see which people are really worth it, and it takes even more time to heal completely

Yea but I have never been the type of person to make someone else "break down walls" they did not cause to be built. This new person did cause my trust issues so why not trust them? I mean I understand everything you are saying don't get me wrong, but i see so many people doing that putting up walls and making others break them down because they have been hurt. Well everyone has been hurt at some point. I'm not the only person that has been hurt or back stabbed in this world so I should make the next person pay for the last persons mistakes right? Idk I'm torn between logic and emotion

I understand what you're saying and i like your point of view since it's completely different of mine, but the new person don't have to pay for the last person mistakes here. You can open up to new people but little by little otherwise you will end up in this phase again and the damage will be worse i think

Put yourself first sometimes, and " protect your heart " doesn't mean " build up wall " what i meant by that is be more cautious, take more time to know and connect with these new people. That's how you will know if you can give them your trust or not

click to expand

Yea I'm sure you are right, I just give my trust after I feel comfortable. I don't give it as soon as I meet a person, but I do give it once I feel like they will actually be around to want to get close to me not just close enough to me. I don't want to say used, because everyone is used by someone else if you can't be used you are useless and I know that sounds bad but I guess what I am saying is I don't mind being used as long as it is something I don't mind being used for does that make sense? I enjoy helping people it brings joy to my life to know I have made a positive impact on someone but I don't want to be abused and somehow some way it always happens except by my ex of 8 years and my mother.

Ugh I feel gross now. Lmao feeling like a whiny baby, complaining about my life for no reason ? Thank you all for your advice by the way it is greatly appreciated!

Posted by CheVirgo

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by CheVirgo

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by CheVirgo
Yeah I know the feeling being a person who loves unconditionally now has to set conditions because of other people actions. This is a greedy world an if you don't protect yourself you will continue to go through these unfortunate circumstances. I hate to say it but a lot of alone time might be needed.

I have had a lot of a lone time actually only the past 8 months I have been the most social and outgoing in 2 years, it changed me I became mean and bitter in those two years so I forced myself to go out and I always have a good time don't get me wrong but it's always the people I choose to let in. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself?

Yeah don't be hard on yourself the world is gonna do that for you. I had childhood friends who we were in diapers together turn their backs on me. I been in isolation and found myself too. It made me rigid and brutally honest with not just myself but with others, let people know your boundaries and don't settle for less. A true friend or significant other will understand if not then tell them to walk their ass on. It's not mean you have to protect yourself.

It's hard for me to completely cut people off unless they have really hurt me. I hate confrontation, so I just remove myself from the situation unless someone really fucked up then I have no problem telling them so. Most of the time though I just disappear to obsess and lick my wounds and then move on. The people who have hurt me always come back though ALWAYS and that the thing that bugs the crap out of me like why? Just stay gone because it's going to be A LOT harder when they come back and I will never trust them like ever it's like because I give them all of my trust in the beginning it's like when you had it why didn't you cherish it? Now I can't rock with you like that, you will always be at a distance with me.

Same here.

click to expand

Everything?

If in fact your concern is really attachment disorders then the best thing to do for yourself is to talk to somebody that can professionally help you find resolution to the issue so you don't end up in your forties with the same concern.

There is a significant difference with talking to someone who has a master's or Ph.D and resolving counseling concerns than talking to a bunch of people that don't have a masters or PhD with issues such as these.

There is a website called openpathcollectives.org...you can see a therapist and talk over the phone for $ 30 and it really does make a significant difference.

People are too prideful and they won't see a professional because they think they can handle it but you got to know when it's time to resolve a problem professionally. And it's really nobody's business that's nobody's f****** business!

I have a classic Mercedes it's pretty old but even though it's old you can still tell when I wash my car than when a professional details my car!! there is a significant and I mean a significant difference!!!

A lot of people can't afford therapy but I was looking at some YouTubers that were making like 6 figures from YouTube Just from doing their videos and quite a few of them talked about the power of speaking to someone professionally.

Posted by Shrewdsharp
If in fact your concern is really attachment disorders then the best thing to do for yourself is to talk to somebody that can professionally help you find resolution to the issue so you don't end up in your forties with the same concern.

There is a significant difference with talking to someone who has a master's or Ph.D and resolving counseling concerns than talking to a bunch of people that don't have a masters or PhD with issues such as these.

There is a website called openpathcollectives.org...you can see a therapist and talk over the phone for $ 30 and it really does make a significant difference.

People are too prideful and they won't see a professional because they think they can handle it but you got to know when it's time to resolve a problem professionally. And it's really nobody's business that's nobody's f****** business!

I have a classic Mercedes it's pretty old but even though it's old you can still tell when I wash my car than when a professional details my car!! there is a significant and I mean a significant difference!!!

A lot of people can't afford therapy but I was looking at some YouTubers that were making like 6 figures from YouTube Just from doing their videos and quite a few of them talked about the power of speaking to someone professionally.

I've gone to therapy before, there is no shame in my game

Just don't think this is an issue I need to take up with a therapist because I know where the problem stems from.

It is also therapeutic to talk to regular people that has gone through similar things, as you see we have but have gone about it in different ways.

Who knows, maybe someone is reading this and it is helping them. I agree most people are afraid of being judged so they avoid therapy.

But I don't agree that if I am serious about getting things worked out about my issue that I need to go to therapy and not talk to anyone.

Therapist weren't always around, but just regular people have been around talking with each other for centuries. It may seem foolish to you but it helps me, as well as I am sure it helps every person who replies with some personal advice. This is therapy just not in a PhD kind of way, in a human nature kind of way.

Good Luck to you Kingpinky,

You have posted a few threads on Dxpnet.

From what I gather, you don't set boundaries or make your inentions clear.

You trust too easily, let people in too easily, and when they fall short of your expecations, you're quick to cut them off.

My advice.

Set boundaries.

Demand reciprocation.

Let them apologize and own their actions (don't always be so quick to forgive).

Know what you want, take a firm stance, and be unapologetic.

Posted by KingPinky

Posted by Shrewdsharp
If in fact your concern is really attachment disorders then the best thing to do for yourself is to talk to somebody that can professionally help you find resolution to the issue so you don't end up in your forties with the same concern.

There is a significant difference with talking to someone who has a master's or Ph.D and resolving counseling concerns than talking to a bunch of people that don't have a masters or PhD with issues such as these.

There is a website called openpathcollectives.org...you can see a therapist and talk over the phone for $ 30 and it really does make a significant difference.

People are too prideful and they won't see a professional because they think they can handle it but you got to know when it's time to resolve a problem professionally. And it's really nobody's business that's nobody's f****** business!

I have a classic Mercedes it's pretty old but even though it's old you can still tell when I wash my car than when a professional details my car!! there is a significant and I mean a significant difference!!!

A lot of people can't afford therapy but I was looking at some YouTubers that were making like 6 figures from YouTube Just from doing their videos and quite a few of them talked about the power of speaking to someone professionally.

I've gone to therapy before, there is no shame in my game

Just don't think this is an issue I need to take up with a therapist because I know where the problem stems from.

It is also therapeutic to talk to regular people that has gone through similar things, as you see we have but have gone about it in different ways.

Who knows, maybe someone is reading this and it is helping them. I agree most people are afraid of being judged so they avoid therapy.

But I don't agree that if I am serious about getting things worked out about my issue that I need to go to therapy and not talk to anyone.

Therapist weren't always around, but just regular people have been around talking with each other for centuries. It may seem foolish to you but it helps me, as well as I am sure it helps every person who replies with some personal advice. This is therapy just not in a PhD kind of way, in a human nature kind of way.

click to expand

You don't think that you should take issues concerning attachment disorders to a therapist? Do you understand how deep the four types of attachment disorders are? They stem from abandonment trauma. And you think that talking to peers will suffice with healing from trauma?

Attachment disorders originated in a therapy community! Some people call it the cancer of Mental Health. You're entitled to your opinion but it is not shared by the majority of Professionals in a mental health community.

That's like saying I have colon cancer but I don't think I need to see a doctor I'll just go and talk to my other friends or some other people with colon cancer. ?☺?.

Okay baby girl whatever throws your hair back.