Space

Exam brought up an interesting thought.

How do you Libras handle someone saying they need space? I ask this because, although I truly enjoy spending time with the libra man, I am starting to feel smothered. I can see me dating him exclusively and actually have thought about it a great deal, BUT I also like my space. We have seen each other EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 2 1/2 weeks.

Another question: how can I tell this Libra that I need my space and not hurt his feelings. I like him (really like him) and I don't want my need for space to be misinterpreted that I don't enjoy being with him.

An honest and throughout discussion might help , I guess . Between me and the Libra , I encourage him to tell me the "truth" , no need for tactful answers !lol! He told me he goes hot and cold sometimes , I told him I need my space sometimes too . Equality ! Dont u love that ! 🙂

"how can I tell this Libra that I need my space and not hurt his feelings. I like him (really like him) and I don't want my need for space to be misinterpreted that I don't enjoy being with him."

Your answer was in the question. We like things up-front but tactful and diplomatic. So what you need to do is approach the issue with him from the point of doing it for the better of the relationship in the long term. Use a fair amount of compliment when approaching the issue. For example you hadn't realized you need a little space because you love being around him so much and why you love being around him so much. Stroke his ego a little bit.

I think one of the common traits pertaining to Libra guys who have been heartbroken is it seems that all of us have had our fair share of relationships where the girl falls under our spell and then when she realizes it it scares her and she pulls back or runs from it, so keep that in the back of your mind. If he has any ill thoughts about it, that is going to be the first one that pops in his head. To make matters worse it is usually the ones we initially like the most.

If all of the time your spending together is making you fall behind in other areas important to you, bring that up. It provides a rational need for the space you want to create.

On Day One hint at the topic. Touch on the subject but don't make it personal. Don't connect the topic to your own relationship. This will warm him to the idea that it's coming eg. your opinion about sticky people needing to spend all their time together etc. Then on Day Ten mention that you need a little bit of 'me, myself and I' time - it's a girl's thing. Don't make it personal and don't make it too dramatic. Don't make soup. And give him a sweet kiss before parting after that conversation on Day Ten so he knows he's still wanted and that is has nothing to do with him.

Between Day One and Day Ten he will analyse your opinion and make it his own :-)

Hmmmm... I've experienced the space thing. I don't know this guy but I can tell you this. Don't actually start the conversation with the words "I need space". He may give you all of it. Nicodemus gave good advice. Libras love to spend quality time with their mate. It's their joy. However, Libras are also known for needing space. My advice is, be truthful and sincere, but don't forget you needed your space, when he needs his further down the line. If you deny in any way his needed space, he'll see that as unfair and will judge you by it.

Just my 5 cents and 2 pennies.

No need for a big long tawk. Just say, "I am going out with Jane tomorrow night. Are we still on for Saturday?"

Keep it simple.

Tawking makes it more serious than it is.

In other words, I agree with Archer. Like Nike, just do it!

Don't explain. If he forces you, just say I just want to catch up with my friends. I haven't had time because I have been spending it with you. Then laugh, hug, and smile at him.

It really isn't a big deal.

BTW, every day for 2 1/2 weeks? That is pretty exclusive. lol!

He is sneaking exclusivity without asking for it. If you want it to be formal, don't give him all your time. 😉

rofl!! I'm sorry, I was just thinking about when I spent everyday with someone for like 11 years.

"He is sneaking exclusivity without asking for it."

Do people actually ask for it? It has always just happened in my relationships... Strange.

"I was just thinking about when I spent everyday with someone for like 11 years."

Hahaha! I can relate, okay perhaps not quite that long, but... Yeah...

* Do people actually ask for it? It has always just happened in my relationships... Strange.

Sometimes. I think. It has been a llllloooonnnnggggg time. 😉

See even when I lived with a guy, I didn't spend that much time with him. I needed two or three nights to chillax with friends, books, whatever. I would be in the fetal position weeping because it would unbalance me so much. When I get insecure, I know it is because I am out of touch with my life so I pull back for a few days. Then it is allll gooooood.

Everyday for 11 yrs? That is CRAZY!

That's marriage.

But you had self time too. You weren't glued together. Right?

Of course, but I still saw her and spent time with her eeeevvveryday. I was only responding to the original statement.

"We have seen each other EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 2 1/2 weeks."

You're a Libra, you know we're technical. LOL

Another Libra moment. I just realized that's not the point of the discussion. heheh

LP, oh the Pisces huh? So, when you popped the question, I think that was exclusive enough right there...

Yeah HP, just get ghost a day or two to breath. Lord knows I have to have space or I will lose it 2 1/2 weeks. Wow I guess we have to be careful what we wish for. LOL!!!

I was engaged to a Pisces once. Not good too emotional for me. The girls are good friends. The men not good partners for me. I guess I am a fire and Air prefered customer. LOL!!!

This guy sounds like me in a lot of the other posts you have talked about him in. If he is like me, he won't like action without explanation. I see where LS and Archie are comming from but if it were me, I wouldn't do that.

HP - it is also perhaps handy to know that we never stay angry for very long. It does not linger, if you know what I mean. Sadness might but anger does not.

So, even if he is disappointed the moment you're telling him what you're about to do he WILL be fine. He'll turn it around in his head, start longing for you once again and feel happy with that.

When we really love we don't need all that much ME time. Don't know where this misconception are coming from. Having freedom of mind & opinion is extremely important and that we are allowed to make our own decisions but we are quite happy to be with you all time the time. We're in our little world non-stop anyway whether we're with you or without.

is*

we had a talk last night...

Damn it HP, stop being a tease!!! What the hell happened 🙂

We talked about space. He emailed me yesterday if I needed space but I didn't respond to it. He called me around 8 last night and asked if i wanted company. i told him i wanted to go out instead, so we went to a club and listened to a band. went outside on the deck after a few drinks and he asked me if i had given the "space" question any further thought. So, I told him that I enjoy spending time with him and enjoy him overall, but I felt space was needed. I told him it had nothing to do with him, but rather it's who I am. Told him that any relationship, new or long-term, needs a separation period from one another to maintain a sense of mystery. He agreed.

He said he's had friends tell him that he needs to go out and date more before settling again into a long-term relationship with anyone, but said that he sees me as someone for his future. He said that it scares him that he and I have such a great connection and in his last relationship (marriage), he had to work at it. Said with me, that he doesn't have to work at it- that the pieces just fit. Said he keeps wondering what he's going to find wrong about me. I told him if he dwelled on trying to find something wrong with me, then he's going to miss out on the whole experience of getting to know me because nobody is perfect. Flaws are inevitable and it's up to the person you're with to accept them or not.

The conversation was rather confusing: he isn't committing to me, but he sees me as someone for his future. He said that he and I both know what we want and don't want because of past relationships. I'm still just as confused as before the conversation.

Nothing good every comes from a relationship tawk. It leaves everyone depleted and weirded out. You should have just told him you had plans but would see him the next night. People understand this. Feeling tawk about the relationship? Freaks people out.

When are you seeing him again?

tonight.

He initiated the talk, LS. I fed off of him actually.

Space is often a euphemism for breaking-up. This is why everyone's back goes up when the word "space" is used.

Saying you are busy you will see them in a few days, accomplishes the same thing (you get a few days to yourself) but no one wonders what they did wrong.

Busy = I like you I just have a few things to do. See you soon!
Space = I don't want to be with you. I need to get away from you.

See the difference?

Why are you seeing him tonight?

Dinner committment with his sister. She invited me. He wants me to go.

I will not see him Saturday or Sunday.

Okey Dokey!

Have fun.

Enjoy your days off. lol!

How does he justify not being in an exclusive relationship when you are together everyday? He must be doing the inner commitment dance. I do it too. I know when I commit, I commit so I put it off a little while even thought it is what I really want. I need to ease myself into it.

When did you start dating again?

2 months ago.

He said it's a time thing for him. He didn't expect to find a connection with someone so soon after his divorce. Compares me to her, which I imagine is only natural. Says I'm nothing like her, etc.

He did say that he's not seeing anyone else right now. That's something I can handle right now. If he said he was seeing others, then I probably would have really retracted.

Okay this makes sense. I think he is being honest.

I really don't think he was planning on finding someone so soon. He is just trying to sort it all out.

He isn't dating anyone else. He probably isn't interested in dating anyone else. He just feels like he SHOULD be dating other people/or at least interested in dating other people because:
a) everyone is telling him too
b) he is just out of his marriage and was expecting to be by himself for awhile
c) that is the done thing

He will figure it out. He just has to realize by dating you exclusively that he is doing exactly what he DOES want to do. He just hasn't gone through the whole process of dealing with other people's expectations verses his own realities. He is probably very pleasantly suprised to be in this position and he isn't quite sure what to do.

I go through the exact process. You are fine.

😉

so confusing.

but i'm trying to enjoy it 😛

"Nothing good every comes from a relationship tawk. It leaves everyone depleted and weirded out. You should have just told him you had plans but would see him the next night. People understand this. Feeling tawk about the relationship? Freaks people out."

Sorry, LS, but I have to disagree with this. If she (anyone) cannot have an intellegent adult conversation with the person they are with regarding something as small and justified as an issue of needing space, then where does that leave the relationship when real issues / problems come up?

Any relationship has problems, and if they cannot be rationally discussed, then they cannot be resolved (either through understanding of the reasons behind the issue on both sides, compromise, or correct of the problem), or atleast try to be resolved. If you want a long term relationship with someone or perhaps just think you might, is that person and that relationship not worth the time, effort, and, yes, perhaps "drain" that such a discussion may require? And, if that person or relationship is not, perhaps it would be a good idea to rethink being in that relationship. Relationships take work, even ones where people just click. If you don't want to work for it, then obviously you don't really want it that much.

As unromantic as it may sound, love does not "conquer all". In the end, love does not conquer anything. Love merely gives someone a reason to conquer anything, but the people do all of the conquering, not love...

I don't know. I just believe in open honesty in a relationship. It doesn't have to be feely-feely, just open and honest. It is that simple, no more, no less...

LS, I am going to have to agree with Alcheme. I think the talk was well needed. I don't know about libra girls, but although Libra guys tend to shy away from emotional convos. They are happy when it done and they can see clearly how the other person feels. I have been told these exact words from two different Libra guys. As I am a scorp and like tot keep the cards on the table.

HP, this is good. He likes you and I would no longer be confused. I think he expressed exactly what is going on. He wants to be in a committed relationship and clearly the two of you have been. He just needs to sort it out logically in his head, but he knows he is ready and is actually going through the motions now.

I also think "Needing space" with an indept explanation behind it means exactly that, not a break up.

Honesty is always the best policy. He will respect you even more for this.

It was tough to do...a little help with mr. tequila, it came out fine. 😉

from

HP, I think you are all good. You are now getting what you want and because he wants to be with you and is emotionally able to be. He shouldn't run away.

thanks

I'm glad you talked to him, just dissapearing cuz you need space without a conversation about it leads to bad things. In the end youl get exactly the space you want tough 😉

Not everything has to be a big discussion.

She could have saved them both a hell of a lot of stress by just saying she had plans but would see him in a day or two. They aren't married. They aren't exclusive. Not a big deal.

Taking care of yourself and your life is your responsibility.

You shouldn't ask permission to take care of yourself.

Anyone asking for space would put my back up. I don't care the justification that they give me ... my focus would be on they don't want to be with me.

They are busy? They want to be with me but can't because they have plans.

You get the same thing but everyone is a winner. Simple and effective and there is nothing dishonest about it. You save the other person's dignity.

I would more likely close down emotionally towards someone who asked for space and had a big discussion with me about it. I would feel lectured about not meeting their needs.

I am the LAST person who believes love conquers all. It really comes down to compatibility. It also comes down to putting your partner's well-being first. If that means saying you are busy for a few days but you will see them soon 🙂 instead of demanding space because you are unhappy 😢 , I vote for the former.

These are subtle messages that that build with time. Over time, he may begin to think he cannot make her happy.

Truth and honesty are matters of perception. HP would have been honest in both cases. My way, her message that she needed a few days would have been heard and taken care of, and everyone wins! Having a big converstation about feelings and disappointments, where everyone leaves feeling confused and a little hurt, over time corrodes the trust between them. In my opinion.

I know you guys will never agree. lol!

* I'm glad you talked to him, just dissapearing cuz you need space without a conversation about it leads to bad things.

BTW, this isn't what I was suggesting. I was saying tell him you are busy or have plans, and then do it.

"Not everything has to be a big discussion."

I did not say it had to be a big discussion, just a discussion...

"She could have saved them both a hell of a lot of stress by just saying she had plans but would see him in a day or two. They aren't married. They aren't exclusive. Not a big deal."

Yes, but they are in a relationship together, and there are TWO people in that relationship that deserve due consideration.

"Simple and effective and there is nothing dishonest about it."

I am sorry, but I disagree. It leaves far too much open for miscommuincation, because there is, in fact, no communication.

"They are busy? They want to be with me but can't because they have plans."

Or, they obviously don't want to be with me enough to make time for me.

"You save the other person's dignity."

Saves the other person's dignity? I don't get that... How is telling a person they need "me time", or have any other issue / non-issue, hurting the other person's ego? And, if a rational discussion about needing "me time" hurts a person's ego that bad, would you really want to continue to foster a relationship with someone that needy and clingy?

Besides, I tend to believe in relationships, egos should be checked at the door. But, perhaps that is just me.

"I would more likely close down emotionally towards someone who asked for space and had a big discussion with me about it. I would feel lectured about not meeting their needs."

Are you not the one that always says "it is not about you, it is about them"? 😉

Nic, you have mail.

LS,the straight forward approach could be good. Regardless, the way she put it I doubt he took the word "space" as hard as you did. I am sure he will come around after giving her a little space without being offended. I don't think there is anything hell to be saved from honestly, just by the way the convo went. we shall see. I really doubt that he did take it in a bad way though.

"You shouldn't ask permission to take care of yourself."

I completely agree. I wasn't suggesting a conversation from the angle of asking permission, just the courtesy of filling him in on what she is doing and needs. I think it is mutually respectful. She doesn't HAVE to tell him anything, but I think the desire to shows him and herself that she has a cirtain amount of respect and appreciation for him and their relationship.

"Anyone asking for space would put my back up. I don't care the justification that they give me ... my focus would be on they don't want to be with me."

Why if you understand that you need space sometimes it should be the same thing for the person you are with. Just listen to the words people use not the assumptions your feelings bring into it.

I look at it like this, if the person really needs space they are going to create it somehow, weather they talk to me about it or not. I would appreciate it if they did, so I am empathetic and respectful of that communication because I appreciate it. I used to look at it the same way "they don't want to be with me, why?" and start over analyzing it. Then I realized it isn't meant to be overanalyzed and disected just understood and it becomes kind of easy and natural a conversation.

I was dating a girl who was working full time at a job that demanded a lot from her, we started seeing each other and we were together every day, she really liked being with me but it was wearing her down, pulling her away from the things SHE needed. We were both caught up in it that neither of us realized at first, then she brought up that she needed space thinking I would be hurt. I was GLAD that she was being honest with herself and me, told her in the last couple of days I could see it too, and that I realized I was putting things I needed to do for myself off as well. It was a GOOD thing that we talked about it, had she just started saying she was busy and what not I would have known something was up, and have wondered why she couldn't talk to me about it.

Were not stupid, we know when somethings up, a lot of times we know what that thing is before you bring it to the table, so it is best for everyone if it is articulated properly. He knew she needed space, there is no reason to from that point talk about it, he knows, it's not like your breaking anything to him.

"These are subtle messages that that build with time. Over time, he may begin to think he cannot make her happy."

That is the point of the open, honest discussion... To not leave any room for misconceptions like that. When things are laid out on the table, and consistently laid out on the table, everyone knows where they stand and there is no reason to wonder. It is only when things are not said, when feelings and needs are not voices, that people begin to question. Again, I never said a big discussion, merely a light-hearted one that gets her point across and answers and unresolved questions about it. It is just that simple.

"Truth and honesty are matters of perception. HP would have been honest in both cases."

I don't necessarily agree. I think that while they may not "technically" be lies, half-truths ARE lies, too. Yeah, been there, done that already. We will no doubt have to agree to disagree on that one.

"Having a big converstation about feelings and disappointments, where everyone leaves feeling confused and a little hurt, over time corrodes the trust between them."

Trust is not fostered merely because someone pointed and consistently does not lie, but because they pointed and consistently tell the truth. In a relationship, you need to know that if there is a problem it will be voiced and both will work to resolve it. Otherwise it only causes mistrust and questions that WILL eventually eat the relationship alive from the inside out. If it is open, honest, rational, and objective, where is there room for feelings to get hurt? And if they are, then why are they not being voiced in the discussion so they can be answered?

Again, I didn't say a big discussion. Just a discussion.

Relationships that are healthy and succeed require two people that are emotionally and psychologially secure, otherwise they are doomed from the start...

"I know you guys will never agree. lol!"

Yeah, no doubt we will have to agree to disagree. But, I thought they other side of the coin should be voiced. Who knows... I could undoubtly be wrong. I obviously do not have any victories under my belt... Haha!