Delusions of Persecution

You ever feel like people out to get you?

Like every little inconvenience was set in stone and done on purpose?

I have this BAD... I always expect the worse. I don't think most people have my best interest at heart. I feel like most people either jealous of me or want to hate me.. And that they gon act on it. Even my own friends and family.. I'm aware I could be wrong, but I always think people lowkey hate me or wanna see me fail.

It's effecting me in small ways.. If I leave/forget my drink somewhere for too long, I don't care if I only took 2 sips.. I will throw the drink away..

Because I believe somebody spit in it.

I withhold good news.. I don't cheer myself on when I should.. I just try to make people not envious or jealous..

I don't believe a human is truly capable of being happy for another.. But I don't know why I think that, when I know I'm happy for people. I smile when I go to the gym and see fat guys or really weak guys trynna lose weight or gain muscle. So I know I can be happy for others.. But why do I think people can't be happy for me or others?

I would describe it as a version of PTSD.

When too many bad things have happened to you, to the point where it could make you think you were setup to fail since day 1, like you're cursed and no matter how hard you try, nothing good will last long. And you'll be right back where you were before.

Took me years to work through that, and even today I'm not sure I've dealt with it 100% . It creeps back in during times of personal adversity and makes me think something along the lines of "huh, I'm shocked we went this long without incident". And I'm a paranoid motherfucker to begin with.

It actually has very little to do with everyone else, and most to do with ourselves. Because of the figurative curse.

I think that's part of what makes you so quick-tempered, and why you often assume people are coming at you sideways, when they're simply joking around.

And me, well, I question anything and everything. I see tiny things in people's behavior that I don't agree with and I immediately assume the worst. When the entire scenario is merely my stupid head working overtime.

The key is to recognize when it's about to set in, and cut it off at the pass. Train the brain to identify the thought patterns that precede it, and stop it before it occurs.

you can't trust family or your 'friends'

the only people who won't disappoint you are those under your payroll

that's the truth

I look people straight and deeply in the eye. I see it all so, I know it's heightened observation.

Just a little example from today: I saw someone who suspected me of sleeping otj search my eyes incessantly until he gave up... looking for evidence.

Also, I have my back to my office door but a mirror that allows me to see behind me. You should see the looks I catch unbeknownst to them.

There's a black female in the office who is a straight up obnoxious unabashed stereotype. The white people otj LUV it. But, I'm the opposite. So, today a white male insinuated that I like to yell... I told him I have never yelled at work (so, he csn put his race-like hard-on away).

So basically, the thing about your subject is that there has to be evidence... catch people in deep business discussion looking at my jewelry...or, a tall male co-worker choosing to often stand instead of sitting so as to look down my shirt.

75% of my evidence is from looking people in the eye and never looking away so I can catch everything