It’s all in the coming back..

And desire to try.

A psychologist told me this years ago. He said it’s true even for long term marriages. Maybe especially in long term marriages actually. I know that’s what destroyed mine, when we stopped doing this. We were done.

It is the one quality I want in someone, because if you can do this anything is possible. There are others but I don’t have a list.

Do you agree?

Do you really mean coming back? Or comeback?

Coming back as in come back together. It can be physically or emotionally. So, within a relationship or actually breaking up, and trying to make it work again.

It is natural to separate but you have to choose to come back to a closer place again. Kind of like the rubber band theory.

This was the psychologists explanation to my marriage which this happened multiple times, until I chose to leave and not come back. To my relationship with the Cap who was my boyfriend at the time. Also he said this happens in his almost 50 year marriage which is strong.

Posted by tiziani

“Keep going back until you can’t take no more” - Ands

“A relationship works for as long as two people want it.” - my old roommate, hopefully still married today

Yes. Earth sign lol yes seems to be the Cap way too. As for your roommate, wanting it takes different forms I guess. You have to be willing to work through the tough times to make it last. That includes separating & choosing to come back together. For life, you go through many changes.

Posted by Mesquite

The cycling is okay as long as lessons are learned by both parties.

Both people want to have to make a relationship work. If they won't appreciate you for who you are and what you do for them, my experience - there's always other people out there.

Lord knows I have a lot to learn still. 🙏🏼

People give up quickly these days.

But, yes that’s why I left both marriages, their unwillingness to work on problems. After years, of it being one-sided trying. If you cannot work together it tends to blow up.

You mean...giving second, third, and so on chances? What am I then...his fallback girl 😛?

I did it for my very first boyfriend (a Cap). Never since... As long as I had access to him, I could separate myself from him physically, but never mentally or emotionally. Maybe for him it was the other way round, lol.

Not if there is no progress

True, if you want to work on it with the person. Just depends on if the good times outweighed the bad.

Posted by saggurl88

True, if you want to work on it with the person. Just depends on if the good times outweighed the bad.

There is no other way to create a long term relationship. Because problems, changes occur. You can’t work through them if you don’t try.

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Posted by saggurl88

True, if you want to work on it with the person. Just depends on if the good times outweighed the bad.

There is no other way to create a long term relationship. Because problems, changes occur. You can’t work through them if you don’t try.

click to expand

I agree.

Posted by Undine

You mean...giving second, third, and so on chances? What am I then...his fallback girl 😛?

I did it for my very first boyfriend (a Cap). Never since... As long as I had access to him, I could separate myself from him physically, but never mentally or emotionally. Maybe for him it was the other way round, lol.

It depends on intent. Doesn’t mean you’re a fallback girl, although could be. With Caps it’s hard to tell... because they keep so much inside. It could actually be they can’t forget you & keep trying. Seems that was more you having trouble with the emotions. Shutting things off can make emotions go away. But for Caps, if they love you those pesky emotions creep back to haunt them.

Posted by Weeds

Not if there is no progress

How long do you wait for progress?

Posted by IAteMyGrandmaInMonkeyTown

You seem a lost soul. Your marriage with someone is somehow emotionally overlapping with your boyfriend. Classic Sagittarius if you ask me. You also have regreds if one reads between the lines.

I don't know who your psychologist was, but you don't need him, you need common sense. And if your book backed by Sagittarius mindset is about "difficulties/not possible to coming back", then you should maybe NOT LEAVE to begin with.

What I'm saying is you can't have both. 75% of this forum would not exists if you were correct. There are consequences for staying or leaving the marriage. No right or wrong. No blame. But consequences.

Think a little deeper darling. There are consequences for not trying in your marriage!! You lose your spouse after 3 years of her working on it & you refusing to. It was a explanation of what the psychologist said at the time which was 3 years ago. And we were working through issues which means my life and both people who had been in my life. It’s natural to work through what happened in the past when it was a 20 year relationship! It would be irresponsible to just go do the same thing again.. The only one that keeps trying is the ex-Bf & me. Not the ex husband.. jeez so fast to blame sag mentality. And my book is not about that either so just stop assuming shit.

Posted by Antiphates

Cap Venus in a nutshell.

Well both the cap & I are cap venus so makes sense 🤷‍♀️

Posted by Phangus

Yes. It is the difference between a relationship lasting or not.

Yes completely my experience.

I used to be married. Happily divorced now. He was quite unwilling to work out the knots so after exhausting me, my love fir him died and I placed him in the trash bin. God granted me a free divorce for all my troubles 💙

I agree. But it takes two. If your the only one willing to stick it out it falls apart.

We weren't really meant to be with someone for our entire lives. Life expectancy used to be 35 and for women you would croak via childbirth by your 3rd pregnancy.

I always admire couples that have been together 20+ years and still genuinely like each other. Props to them.

Posted by LadyNeptune

I agree. But it takes two. If your the only one willing to stick it out it falls apart.

We weren't really meant to be with someone for our entire lives. Life expectancy used to be 35 and for women you would croak via childbirth by your 3rd pregnancy.

I always admire couples that have been together 20+ years and still genuinely like each other. Props to them.

Yes I agree.

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Posted by Weeds

Not if there is no progress

How long do you wait for progress?

click to expand

I haven't figured that out yet.

Posted by IAteMyGrandmaInMonkeyTown

"You lose your spouse after 3 years of her working on it & you refusing to." - sure.

Come on, I was married to a Sag. I may be naive, but I'm not stupid.

I'm not blaming you for anything, but you as a whole sound mutually exclusive. As if life is suppose to be perfect in a marriage, outside of marriage, after divorce, with bf, with ex bf. I mean WTF. We are all in the same boat.

Biologically life is not what you are forcing it to be. The high number of connections you make is the direct result of how shallow they are long term. No ones fault.

Life is not perfect of course, shit happens. Marriage is not perfect, I never said I was perfect. Neither was my ex. It was a marriage, that’s how life is. We were both loyal if that’s what your hinting at. Your marriage is not mine, why would you compare? Every marriage is different. You think all Sags are the same, really?

High number of connections? No I was dating signs I didn’t know about. So I asked questions about signs. What’s wrong with dating after divorce?

Cap was the only serious one. We had a relationship for a year & off a year and then on & off. It’s been a rollercoaster but there are reasons for that. We’ve known each other 3 1/2 years. We are trying to rebuild now after working through issues and not dating anyone else. It’s always back to each other. So I’m thinking about this concept. That’s all.

Posted by Weeds

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Posted by Weeds

Not if there is no progress

How long do you wait for progress?

I haven't figured that out yet.

click to expand

It’s a tough one. In a serious relationship, it’s usually years for me.

Posted by IAteMyGrandmaInMonkeyTown

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Life is not perfect of course, shit happens. Marriage is not perfect, I never said I was perfect. Neither was my ex. It was a marriage, that’s how life is. We were both loyal if that’s what your hinting at. Your marriage is not mine, why would you compare? Every marriage is different. You think all Sags are the same, really?

High number of connections? No I was dating signs I didn’t know about. So I asked questions about signs. What’s wrong with dating after divorce?

Cap was the only serious one. We had a relationship for a year & off a year and then on & off. It’s been a rollercoaster but there are reasons for that. We’ve known each other 3 1/2 years. We are trying to rebuild now after working through issues and not dating anyone else. It’s always back to each other. So I’m thinking about this concept. That’s all.

We are completely different people. Hugs

click to expand

Yes we are. Thanks 🙂

I'd find it too draining to keep going back....

I stay till things aren't repairable any longer and then move on, so to go back after that stage seems a waste of precious time...

You can still love and respect someone but that doesn't mean you can be with them....

Posted by MyStarsShine

I'd find it too draining to keep going back....

I stay till things aren't repairable any longer and then move on, so to go back after that stage seems a waste of precious time...

You can still love and respect someone but that doesn't mean you can be with them....

Well that’s the question.. when was it decided that it was nonrepairable? When I decided that with the Aries & the Pisces, I left them.

I never decided that with the Cap. I was hurt, angry, upset, emotional, and trying to move on because it seemed I had to. I always hoped it was possible. But, logically thought it was highly improbable. And then he started trying to repair it. Like who does that? It’s a lot of freaking effort. But he listened to everything I had to say, and was upset about & I eventually listened to him. But ya a lot of back and forth over a year. I can’t deny the growth for both of us. So I decided we needed to figure it out.. or be done with it. Just like @Tiziani said

So much growth, and in the end everything is worth it.

i remember watching a programme once where an old couple was asked about the secret to their very long marriage.

One said "we never fell out of love at the same time". I quite like that. it's like while one person is still pulling for it you stay and you keep trying to work it out. the feelings return and you see in your partner all the qualities you saw when you first fell in love with them.

i think it is all about coming back and or rather never leaving in the first place. you have to withstand the ups and the downs, the better and the worst, because you believe there is something inherently good in what you have and in the other person, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Posted by jeane

i remember watching a programme once where an old couple was asked about the secret to their very long marriage.

One said "we never fell out of love at the same time". I quite like that. it's like while one person is still pulling for it you stay and you keep trying to work it out. the feelings return and you see in your partner all the qualities you saw when you first fell in love with them.

i think it is all about coming back and or rather never leaving in the first place. you have to withstand the ups and the downs, the better and the worst, because you believe there is something inherently good in what you have and in the other person, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Yes that’s what the psychologist was talking about and how I meant it with the long term marriage with the Aries. Cap is different, he left. He regrets it, and the repairing is quite the process. A year and a half later.. lol This concept is what I would’ve liked to have happened with us, but in all reality we had things we needed to work in ourselves separately, and then things together. I had to get back to trust.. and so did he. Sometimes things just have to go a certain way.

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Posted by jeane

i remember watching a programme once where an old couple was asked about the secret to their very long marriage.

One said "we never fell out of love at the same time". I quite like that. it's like while one person is still pulling for it you stay and you keep trying to work it out. the feelings return and you see in your partner all the qualities you saw when you first fell in love with them.

i think it is all about coming back and or rather never leaving in the first place. you have to withstand the ups and the downs, the better and the worst, because you believe there is something inherently good in what you have and in the other person, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Yes that’s what the psychologist was talking about and how I meant it with the long term marriage with the Aries. Cap is different, he left. He regrets it, and the repairing is quite the process. A year and a half later.. lol This concept is what I would’ve liked to have happened with us, but in all reality we had things we needed to work in ourselves separately, and then things together. I had to get back to trust.. and so did he. Sometimes things just have to go a certain way.

click to expand

Are you okay with the pattern repeating itself, maybe long term, i.e. him running away for a while when things get tough?

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Posted by jeane

i remember watching a programme once where an old couple was asked about the secret to their very long marriage.

One said "we never fell out of love at the same time". I quite like that. it's like while one person is still pulling for it you stay and you keep trying to work it out. the feelings return and you see in your partner all the qualities you saw when you first fell in love with them.

i think it is all about coming back and or rather never leaving in the first place. you have to withstand the ups and the downs, the better and the worst, because you believe there is something inherently good in what you have and in the other person, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Yes that’s what the psychologist was talking about and how I meant it with the long term marriage with the Aries. Cap is different, he left. He regrets it, and the repairing is quite the process. A year and a half later.. lol This concept is what I would’ve liked to have happened with us, but in all reality we had things we needed to work in ourselves separately, and then things together. I had to get back to trust.. and so did he. Sometimes things just have to go a certain way.

Are you okay with the pattern repeating itself, maybe long term, i.e. him running away for a while when things get tough?

click to expand

The pattern seems to be changing. We are communicating better. It’s not just him. I used to push him away when he was having trouble.. so we are learning to try instead of make it hard. It’s a killer with us both cap merc Venus I tell ya. But the key is both trying... and patience.

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Posted by jeane

i remember watching a programme once where an old couple was asked about the secret to their very long marriage.

One said "we never fell out of love at the same time". I quite like that. it's like while one person is still pulling for it you stay and you keep trying to work it out. the feelings return and you see in your partner all the qualities you saw when you first fell in love with them.

i think it is all about coming back and or rather never leaving in the first place. you have to withstand the ups and the downs, the better and the worst, because you believe there is something inherently good in what you have and in the other person, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Yes that’s what the psychologist was talking about and how I meant it with the long term marriage with the Aries. Cap is different, he left. He regrets it, and the repairing is quite the process. A year and a half later.. lol This concept is what I would’ve liked to have happened with us, but in all reality we had things we needed to work in ourselves separately, and then things together. I had to get back to trust.. and so did he. Sometimes things just have to go a certain way.

Are you okay with the pattern repeating itself, maybe long term, i.e. him running away for a while when things get tough?

click to expand

butting in here...i think in those instances, you have to look to yourself and say, what am i doing that is contributing to the situation? what can i do to improve things?

eg why is he going? could i behave differently before he runs? could i say something to make him feel reassured? could i do something else that what i have been when he returns? etc etc....

i firmly believe it's about helping your partner grow to overcome their own personal obstacles/baggage. you help them become a better version of themselves and in doing so, they help you become a better version of yourself.

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Posted by jeane

i remember watching a programme once where an old couple was asked about the secret to their very long marriage.

One said "we never fell out of love at the same time". I quite like that. it's like while one person is still pulling for it you stay and you keep trying to work it out. the feelings return and you see in your partner all the qualities you saw when you first fell in love with them.

i think it is all about coming back and or rather never leaving in the first place. you have to withstand the ups and the downs, the better and the worst, because you believe there is something inherently good in what you have and in the other person, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Yes that’s what the psychologist was talking about and how I meant it with the long term marriage with the Aries. Cap is different, he left. He regrets it, and the repairing is quite the process. A year and a half later.. lol This concept is what I would’ve liked to have happened with us, but in all reality we had things we needed to work in ourselves separately, and then things together. I had to get back to trust.. and so did he. Sometimes things just have to go a certain way.

Are you okay with the pattern repeating itself, maybe long term, i.e. him running away for a while when things get tough?

The pattern seems to be changing. We are communicating better. It’s not just him. I used to push him away when he was having trouble.. so we are learning to try instead of make it hard. It’s a killer with us both cap merc Venus I tell ya. But the key is both trying... and patience.

click to expand

Hopefully your patience will be rewarded ❤️

Posted by 7thHouse

I've been married for years. I don't think it's the "coming back" because really, if it's a good, healthy relationship, there will be challenges but it won't be enough to run away. My parents been married for a long time too. I don't remember my mum or my dad ever breaking up all these years. Not to say they don't argue. They do. They've had challenges. Lack of money, job loss, health etc. But you know what, they never broke up. Mum didn't run away. Dad didn't run away.

It's not exactly the coming back. It's more the never leaving.

You misunderstand the concept. It’s the process of working through problems in a marriage. More emotionally in a marriage not actually leaving. They were constantly choosing to “come back” to work through the problems. That is the psychologists point.

I think it's a very complex and difficult thing. And certainly individual. We all have to live with ourselves and what we do or not do. Not all relationships are worth saving. But it takes both to work together that I know.