Thoughts?

Let’s say you have a family member - specifically your grandfather - who has chosen to be a miserable pile of shit his entire life and alienated himself from his family (including his grandchildren and great-grandchildren who have done nothing to him) despite their numerous attempts to reach out/mend fences etc

30+ years this man consciously and repeatedly made the decision to be a complete asshole for some unknown reason which remains a mystery to all involved.

Suddenly he has a heart attack and is not expected to make it and is being moved to hospice.

Do you drop everything to go say goodbye? Traveling hours to do so? Even state lines?

Or fuck him - he made his bed?

Posted by idontlikeyou

Might regret not seeing him one last time.

Really? Why tho?

What about the numerous attempts you made over the years to see him ? Regardless of the abuse he hurled at you when you attempted

The wedding invite he ignored

The birth of your first child he ignored

What would you regret? That you didn’t watch him die?

Posted by Black-Mamba

id want to know why, was he abused as a child?

or is he a secret murderer....

i'd want to know...so i'd probably visit him and give him those pills that make you talk

I’ve always wanted to know why too but he’s not my grandfather so not my problem

But now I’m debating if I really want my child drug along for this circus side show ?

If you’re a Scorp moon specifically please note when you respond because I’m really trying to understand

I would never let it get that far that I have to make that choice at that point.

Ppl battle with their shadows. They have their reasons.

I would have made an attempt early on and whatever I get from that I leave with.

I don't do deathbed reconciliation.

Posted by tiziani

Trying to think of if I've been through anything similar but nothing comes to mind.

Legit don't know what I'd choose.

Would you be travelling with the great grandchild or alone?

I won’t be taking part personally, but trying to figure out how to handle or approach the impending expectation my child (the great grandchild) will be drug along

Posted by MrsElleCappysnatch

Posted by brianafay

Posted by Black-Mamba

id want to know why, was he abused as a child?

or is he a secret murderer....

i'd want to know...so i'd probably visit him and give him those pills that make you talk

I’ve always wanted to know why too but he’s not my grandfather so not my problem

But now I’m debating if I really want my child drug along for this circus side show ?

If it is the scorp moon they may just want to witness the circus side show.

click to expand

😅 legit point

I'd probably go....being near death can often change a person entirely, put things in a different perspective for them....not always the case, but the person you visit may be very different from the one you remember, and showing compassion to him in that state might be healing for all involved....

I had a really strained relationship with my grandfather....He was the worst kind of Aries, seemed to single me out for abuse since I was really young. I can honestly say I hated him, which faded to indifference as I got older and no longer had to be around him....

when he had very little time left, he wanted to see me....I obliged for my mother's sake....he showed no sentiment, no apology, just a very awkward quiet experience of being in his presence, and then him offering to buy me something (which I refused) at the end....but I did note how much his infirmity had humbled him...first time I ever saw him looking anxious or weak, and I think it was important for me to see that vulnerability/humanity in him at that time....

years later I found out some things about him that better explained his abusive nature, and also heard stories of times when he showed real character, stories that even made me proud of him....I just think the whole process was important for me - to alter my view of him, and forgive the things that happened, etc.

Just go and see him one last time, if only to tell him what an asshole he's been his entire life.

Real talk tho, will he have any assets left behind to split among y'all?

Yes, you go say goodbye.

It’s not for him, it’s for you. Closure.

Posted by SassyKiwi

Real talk tho, will he have any assets left behind to split among y'all?

Lol 🤦

Do whatever needs to be done so that you may have the peace YOU NEED, to live, move forward and leave the past where it's at.

Posted by Metatron

I'd probably go....being near death can often change a person entirely, put things in a different perspective for them....not always the case, but the person you visit may be very different from the one you remember, and showing compassion to him in that state might be healing for all involved....

I had a really strained relationship with my grandfather....He was the worst kind of Aries, seemed to single me out for abuse since I was really young. I can honestly say I hated him, which faded to indifference as I got older and no longer had to be around him....

when he had very little time left, he wanted to see me....I obliged for my mother's sake....he showed no sentiment, no apology, just a very awkward quiet experience of being in his presence, and then him offering to buy me something (which I refused) at the end....but I did note how much his infirmity had humbled him...first time I ever saw him looking anxious or weak, and I think it was important for me to see that vulnerability/humanity in him at that time....

years later I found out some things about him that better explained his abusive nature, and also heard stories of times when he showed real character, stories that even made me proud of him....I just think the whole process was important for me - to alter my view of him, and forgive the things that happened, etc.

Thank you

I hadn’t thought about my husband needing to go for type of healing...

I always looked at it like going to his grandfathers deathbed was meant to comfort his grandfather somehow so he didn’t die alone (which I feel is a deliberate choice he made over and over again for the better half of his life)

I truly believe if he is going in hopes to make amends he is only going to end up disappointed and with more hurt feelings, but it sounds like from your experience it will still be closure

Posted by bumboklatt

Posted by brianafay

If you’re a Scorp moon specifically please note when you respond because I’m really trying to understand

I am. I would definitely go see him. Its better to end things than to keep the hate going. Death changes lots of things. Its a resolve and an end.

Hes a scorp moon?

click to expand

I don’t know actually, but my husband is and so is his twin brother who is driving 20+ hours to see a man, who is essentially a stranger to him, on his deathbed

Out of the grandchildren my husband is the one who has had the most/recent interaction with him and even that was probably close to 8 years ago

His brother and sister haven’t had contact with him in decades

So I’m just puzzled at the feeling of obligation

They don’t seem to feel this type of obligation for living family members who don’t treat them like dirt piles

I actually feel really sad at the thought my husband could be going in hopes his grandfather will show some type of remorse

😐

Posted by xXxAliiciaXxX

Kinda sounds like you already made your decision.

For myself, yes, but it’s not my grandfather so it’s not really my decision to make anyway

I really wanted to hear other people’s perspectives to try and understand this feeling of obligation I sense from those involved because I don’t even know what to say right now 😐

and also to gauge exactly how savage I’m being

Dont think about it. Just go.

You will understand the importance later

he might not feel remorse, but he will feel grateful that someone was there with him during his last days. even after being a shit bag. i would hate to die alone.

some people appear ugly because they never recovered from the trauma they experienced in the past and they lash out and project on to other people. this sounds very crunchy granola, but what they lack is love. they may not have the capability to show love and care... but they could at least experience what its like to have someone show care towards them, that they are some what important to somebodys life during the last days of their life

Go, or more encourage him to go. Be support for him.

My sister was estranged from our grandfather, we all where but she regretted not being able to say goodbye. It haunted her for years, still does and it's been 15+ years.

I wasn't able to say goodbye to my grandmother and I still get emotional over it. She passed in 2008.

Posted by MareInfame

Posted by brianafay

I actually feel really sad at the thought my husband could be going in hopes his grandfather will show some type of remorse

😐

Just try to support him. He finds it very important to go, the need is strong within him... so it will be.

And be ready to support him when he returns. Last thing he’ll need is judgment if it goes sour.

I don’t think he is going in vain. What he is doing is courageous; It’s courage that his grandfather always lacked. He is also showing that he cares by his actions... those traits should be applauded, not ridiculed or judged. He is an evolved gene of his grandfather.

Don’t be sad. Admire him.

click to expand

Good point

I view his grandfather as ground zero for all their family dysfunction and generational curse

He is breaking the cycle

Posted by brianafay

Do you drop everything to go say goodbye? Traveling hours to do so? Even state lines?

nah....

cap moon doesn't give two fuck.

we all gonna go, so what's the big deal.

Posted by brianafay

I actually feel really sad at the thought my husband could be going in hopes his grandfather will show some type of remorse

😐

You need to let him know not to expect anything. Just go with an open heart. And I was serious about letting the grandfather know he's been an asshole.

Posted by bumboklatt

Posted by brianafay

Posted by bumboklatt

Posted by brianafay

If you’re a Scorp moon specifically please note when you respond because I’m really trying to understand

I am. I would definitely go see him. Its better to end things than to keep the hate going. Death changes lots of things. Its a resolve and an end.

Hes a scorp moon?

I don’t know actually, but my husband is and so is his twin brother who is driving 20+ hours to see a man, who is essentially a stranger to him, on his deathbed

Out of the grandchildren my husband is the one who has had the most/recent interaction with him and even that was probably close to 8 years ago

His brother and sister haven’t had contact with him in decades

So I’m just puzzled at the feeling of obligation

They don’t seem to feel this type of obligation for living family members who don’t treat them like dirt piles

I see. It could be a learning experience at the very least and redemption at best

click to expand

I got this when my dad was hospitalized after almost dying from a gall bladder infection (this was durjng his chemotherapy sessions, he wasn't careful with his food and got an infection).

Every resentment I felt towards him, the way he treated us with his distant, cold, calculative ways, his secret life, etc. kind of got washed away when I spent more time with him while he was in hospital.

He died suddenly 7 months later of a heart attack, but thankfully we'd already spent those last 7 months rebuilding our broken relationship.

Posted by brianafay

Posted by tiziani

Trying to think of if I've been through anything similar but nothing comes to mind.

Legit don't know what I'd choose.

Would you be travelling with the great grandchild or alone?

I won’t be taking part personally, but trying to figure out how to handle or approach the impending expectation my child (the great grandchild) will be drug along

click to expand

nothing you said warrants snubbing him on his death bed. He was not melodious, selfish, or screwed you or someone you care about intentionally. He just sounds like a bitter old hermit. I wouldn't make real sacrifices to see him. Yet if you would like to give him a bit of company and compassion in his final days, there is nothing wrong with that. Do what you think/feel is right.

Posted by brianafay

Posted by xXxAliiciaXxX

Kinda sounds like you already made your decision.

For myself, yes, but it’s not my grandfather so it’s not really my decision to make anyway

I really wanted to hear other people’s perspectives to try and understand this feeling of obligation I sense from those involved because I don’t even know what to say right now 😐

and also to gauge exactly how savage I’m being

click to expand

Its better to let your husband go see him, driving for hours, Eitherways death only happens once, so its just once and you wont have to worry about your husband driving for hours to see someone who possibly doesnt care.you dont want him to stay then wonder about what would have happened if he had left to see him, and also you even encouraged him not to go. I think the best thing is to advise your husband to do it for the sake of it. Then if reconciliation happens good(eitherways the man is about to die so does it really matter?), if not, then at least he wont blame himself/ wonder what would have happened if he did go.eitherways he would just be tbe bigger person and hes got nothing to lose.

Closure more than likely.