Please give me advice on my pisces husband..

Hello Everyone,
I have read quite a few posts looking for answers on what could be happening to me. First of I have been with my hubby for 6 yrs now. Our relationship started great. He fell in love quickly and swept me off my feet. He is very sensitive and I found that to be cute, until I saw the other side. He was loving, great dad, hubby, etc. I must admit I was on cloud nine...until he reenlisted in the military. I think that was the biggest mistake of our lives. All of a sudden he changed. When he went to school, he was with the wrong crowd and all of a sudden he wanted to be single and have fun. When he came back home, he changed back to his old self especially when he ended up in the hospital. Now we have been in Japan for the last couple years and it has gotten worse. With each deployment he gets worse. Now he came home a couple months ago and left home the next day. He said he needed time and space to figure himself out. He is being haunted by things he has done in the past along with feeling like his life is going nowhere. He said he is on the fence. He loves his family but he also feels trapped sometimes. I really felt like he fell out of love with me until I saw someone yesterday who spoke to him and he told her he didnt know what was happening to him but i did nothing wrong and he loves me. He will pick up the kids sometimes and bring them home. sometimes he hangs out for a liittle while and then leaves.

I have tried to talk to him a few times and I just get little tidbits here and there. He is not ready to fully open up to me. He says that if he tells me whats in his head that i will leave him for good and his life will be over. He said it has nothing to do with another woman/man, its him. I know his career is at stake and that ship has the worst reputation ever. You can see the life being sucked out of everyone on there. Even the strongest marriages here are failing.

I really apologize for the long post but I am so lost right now. I have been praying for him all the time. I have done everything I can to support him. I took care of everything in the house so he could focus on his career. Honestly, I really spoiled him because he loved me so much and it was mutual. That's why I dropped everything and came to Japan to make sure he never had to get off that ship and noone there.

Now we are working on the same base and he lives 10 min away sleeping on someone's couch alienating himself. Please help!!!

Pisces when go deep, go to the deepest, when go up, go to the upest.

Try to invite him to your couch. Try to get him away from drink, bad companies or whatever makes him feel bad afterwords.
To do so, say to him he is a role model his his children, they need him and you too.
Tell him he has a good heart and maintain him occupied.
Pisces generally like to help people, if you are in stress he will came along. Maintain him occupided, for exemaple,
saying to him to help other people in worst condition than him, that this will bring the best in him.

If he not reply to any of that he is really in the bottom of the lake.
May take time, but pisces sometimes have a click and go above the tie.

Thank you for responding to me. This is just so hard for me. I have tried all that you said. He said he doesn't need to be around us and drag us into his mess. He sees the boys a few times a week and brings them home, but then leaves. No one knows him to be like this at all. I just can't imagine how you go from loving someone so much one minute, to not even wanting to speak to them the next. The only thing I got from him was an email a few days ago that there is a lot left to be revealed, discussed and hopefully resolved, but in his time. he went from not wanting to be married, to him not deserving me, to not telling me something because he thinks I will leave him. He hasn't picked up any of his stuff and won't give me the house keys back either.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if he is gone this long, could that still be the case? I promise you that all I have done was try to make him happy and now I feel abandoned, betrayed, and deeply bruised. Some days are like a blur to me to see how my world could be turned upside down at the drop of a hat.

I wish I could turn back time where he didn't end up in the military. Once he got on a ship gone 9 mos out the year, it went downhill from here and to think we have over a year left here. He admits to not being the same person I married. He said he is just a shell.

another thing is that I wish I could stop him from drinking. I didn't even know he drank until he left home. Now it appears that he is quite the alcoholic when gone. He says he drinks away his problems. He tried to go talk to a counselor but they didn't help him at all. The first time he left for a week, the next time a couple weeks, this time its been a couple months. When he was gone this past 3 mos, everything was fine until 3 wks before he came home. He went from professing to me that he could be the best father and husband to no communication at all....

You did not indicate where he had been deployed to or that he ever shared with you aspects of things he had to do while deployed. Given the current state of things in the world one can only imagine. He may not want to share things with you because of the guilt he feels regarding things that occurred while deployed whether he was directly or indirectly involved.

I can't speak much on the nature of Pisces. But it is apparent that he does not want to be rejected and he has eluded to this. He has a fear that you will reject him (and leave) if he tells you what's in his head. Thus, it is easier for him to swim away so that he doesn't get hurt and can spare you whatever pain and suffering he is feeling inside.

You know you are not alone in this. Other military wives are going through similar issues with their spouses; the particulars of their situation may vary, but the emotions and challenges they are facing are at the forefront of their daily lives as well. You are reaching out for answers, comfort, understanding and compassion. This is more than some of these wives are doing, you should be commended for reaching out and not botteling this all up inside you, developing deep seeded anger and resentment.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers and we can't hug you to comfort you. We will try to understand to the best of our ability your situation and provide any insight that we feel may be helpful.

My suggestion, and take it for what it's worth to you, do a little research and find out if there is a Military wives support group on base.

If there is not a local support group, grab this opportunity (YES, the struggles and the obstacles you face ARE opportunities) and start your own support group - you don't have to call it a support group if you feel that is somehow stigmatizing. I suspect that you have shared with your closest friends on base certain aspects of your situation, by the same token, they have confided in you as well. Just meet regularly once or twice a week (or however often you want) as a small group - even if its just 2 of you - to share over coffee and cookies (or whatever). Outside of this intimate group, you may encounter someone else who could use what you all have experienced, learned and laughed about and bring her into the fold so that she doesn't feel like she has to struggle alone.

Wow Besidesmyself .......He is really in a tough spot. As a pisces what we do when we feel ashamed, guilty, trapped, depressed .....we retrieve into ourselves because we don't feel like anyone would understand us. My advice, give him the space to figure it all out. I am sorry darling this is something he is going to have to pull out of himself. He will find the light hopefully. He is really discontent with his life right now. I hope that he seeks professional help. Our depressions can be very deep and dark. There is really nothing you can say or do but be there for him when he is ready. Than you got to decide if that is what you want to do.

I was in a similar space almost a year ago. I literally went into a deep depression from November to March. I was lucky to have family that allowed me to just be depressed, unproductive, and allowed me to die and be reborn. The best way I can describe was that I literally felt like I died inside. My world had turned upside down, and I was scared, not very hopeful, felt very negative about myself. It was like one day I woke up and got tired of feeling this way and started to make some drastic changes. I will not lie I have some reminants of that time period that I have to work with and recently came up and I now realize I need to talk to a professional about. It really was the most difficult time of my life and I am just now beginning to forgive myself for being human. I know sounds crazy ....but yes being human is what I am. lol Drastic life changes can really impact people in negative ways regardless of their zodiac sign, however I sometimes think they are necessary for what brings us to a new space of life ....sometimes more enlightening and new awareness. I came out much more happy and motivated to be doing what I am doing.

Sometimes just letting go ....surrendering is the best dose of medicine for you and him.

I hope things get better soon for you and him.

PD

P.S. I still even feel weird about even admitting I was in this space of life. I am telling you the shame we wear is huge for us.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! I appreciate all the advice I have been given. It has truly been a tough road. To answer your questions..he is on a forward deployed ship, so they go to different countries for a few days here and there (they are gone 9 mos out of the year and come home for maybe a month or so every couple months). I wish I could reach out to the other spouses here but this place is very miserable. You would think it would bring us closer together, but all you see here is drama, drama, and more drama. Families are leaving and abandoning their husbands all the time. When I came, I joined a group for his ship that takes care of the families when they are gone. I wish I could say the experience was a memorable one in a positive way. My idea of military spouses sticking together is nothing short of a myth. I do have a couple friends here and even sought counseling myself. Either way, no one understands what I am going through as they have never experienced anything like this.

I know that his ship is very difficult. A matter of fact the last deployment, there were a couple suicides. I know his boss and he doesn't hesitate to tell him on a daily basis that he is not living up to his expectations. He used to confide in him before because he was a family man, but now I imagine since he talks down to him daily, he doesn't go there anymore. Meanwhile sometimes I feel like he may resent me for the very things that attracted him to me. He will compare himself to me sometimes. He will say comments like "well you are about to finish your Masters and what do I have". I told him that I am using my time wisely here to better my family because everything I do is for us. He always thinks I am going to leave him and that I deserve better than him. If I was that kind of person, I wouldn't be here. I have had to leave careers and possessions multiple times but family is more important to me. He always tells me that I am the only one who cares about him and loves him even when he doesn't love himself.

He is getting better at picking up the boys and bringing them home. However, he hasn't attempted to talk to me yet. I can't understand how he could just turn his back on me like this. They leave in a couple weeks also. Everyone knows him to be a family man. He has never been that "single" type of guy. I don't understand why he thinks he can be that way now. I am so sorry for my long saga, but it seems you guys are the only one who can understand.

Been down that road myself, I like what PD calls it..die and reborn. That's exactly what it feels like. If you just stick it out with him, it'd mean the world.

Thank you again for your comments. I just feel like I am going nuts sometimes. He told me that I was the only woman to ever love him back. However, he acts like he has forgotten me. I mean is it normal to be away from home for this long? Is this an indication. The sad part is that he is on the fence about his life. Of course I should kick him to the curb for this right— but there is that part of me that keeps looking at the core of who he is. He wasn't some random guy. We have the same best friend. My best friend is just as baffles and has never known him to be a "single" type of guy. He has always been the settling type. I don't understand this sudden feeling of being "trapped". I do believe that he cannot forgive himself for the way he has treated me during these times. I told him I don't need a Martyr. I can't imagine him being okay with someone else in his place. Maybe that's why he hasn't picked up his things or given me back the keys yet. Its just so unfair to be left in limbo like this. I don't know how I manage to keep moving with the house, kids, school, work. I guess I have no choice but to be on autopilot right now because i am in pain!!

Posted by poopsie1
many other human being have deep and dark moments of their lives but not everyone of them would retreat to a point that tears their loved ones apart. iit's the ultmimat selfish act when one can only feel his own sadness/shame/sorrow.

i do understand that some ppl including myself would need complete detachment and solitude to heal so it would not help at all if space cannot be given. you are in a tough spot like others here suggested you should seak support from the military or their families. there is no advice i can give you but i'm glad you don't have my temper. i'd give him complete space which also means that he most likely would never be able to come back.

Poopsi ...I will tell you exactly what I told my ex-husband. "You would have to walk a mile in my shoes to know the road I have traveled, however I don't expect you to understand, and I did the best I could and in the space I was in, I was not good for anyone else including myself." Selfish you may call it ....but when a person is depleted of anything to give ......how can that be selfish? It is like squeezing whatever life out of an empty vessel. I am being serious when I talk about literally dying inside ....when dead inside there is nothing to give. It is simply being humble and honest of the space that we harbor. We don't go around asking a dead body to give us love, compassion, and all this crap for emotions do we? I am not talking about a solitude day a walk in the park ....I am talking about some really deep seated depression that you don't wake up the next day and it is all better.

Besidemyself ....here are some great articles on depression from Dr. Weil. I happen to love this man and think his information is really insightful. So weird but depression is like a dirty word. Not many people like to talk about it. I will admit, I don't really like to talk about it, and really cannot believe I am typing about it. lol

http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00696/depression-treatment
http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/QAA400334/Are-You-Really-Depressed.html
http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/QAA76842/supplement-to-boost-serotonin.html


Wishing you and your husband all the best.

PD



PD

I understand that miltary spouse support groups are nothing but drama and most of the time they try to one up each other who has it "worse" off then who especially during deployments. Trust me I know which is why I shied away from that nonsense. It's sad to say that most wives are nothing more then a bunch of high school acting drama queens who gossip and back stab.
The military CAN set you up for marrige couseling though. Talk to the higher ups about setting it up. They will also frown heavily on his drinking and probably make him go to meetings if it's too bad.
As for the rest you do have to give him the time he needs to sort himself out. This means you have to be the strong one and take care of the kids and household. It's not easy but being a military wife you should know how to hold it together without his help. Maybe you should talk to him about moving home to the states so that you can have family and friends be more of a support system. It could be a lot more healthy for you and your children plus it gives him time to think and have his own space to deal with whatever he's going through.

I know that when the men get like this the only thing we can do is be there. We won't ever understand what they are going through and I've found that trying to understand or pretending is very insulting to them. All you can do is be the silent support. The backbone.
All you can do right now is decide what is best for your children. Sometimes the men are never the same. Those types of things change them. It has nothing to do with you or what you have or haven't done. It's just the nature of the beast.

Wow, so he does all this and you just remain giving him the image of you as being calm, content, just patiently waiting for him, understanding, loving, no matter what he does ...... like a Stepford Wife.


How lucky he is to have such a wife that will quietly sit back and be abused ... and then she'll even bend over even further to comfort him and not ask any questions.



when you decide to tell the truth ... I'll give you my thoughts.

P-Angel, your advice is greatly appreciated. However, if you choose not to, that is also okay. Thank you for responding either way with your insight.

Not sure what truth you are looking for. Have I asked questions...sure. Have I gotten upset...absolutely. Have I cussed him out up one side and down the other.....not quite. Have I told him how this whole thing is making me feel....of course. Abuse?? well I never really thought about it that way. I figured you don't kick a person when there down, especially if you don't know what's going on with them. I don't blame you for your comment as the people closest to us cannot believe what is happening either. So why should I expect a stranger to believe it?

I took my vows seriously and I didn't feel the right thing to do at the first sign of trouble is run. Like I said, at least he is not blaming me for anything and making me sit here wondering what I did or could have done. He sent me an email a couple days ago apologizing for his behavior and asking to sit down and talk. Then when I approached him last night, he said he was getting sick inside and about to throw up so he postponed it again.

I really feel worn out and tired over this whole thing. He claimed we were going to talk today and he was going to answer all the questions I have. Whatever has him conflicted inside is tearing him apart and he feels that he needs to tell me even though I will not look at him the same. I went down the list of all the possible things just like I know you guys are and he says it has nothing to do with anyone else but him. the way I feel now, I don't think I even want to know anymore. I just want to move on from under this dark cloud. I really hope I have cried my last tears last night.

The evidence is all around ... just look at this thread, just look at every thread regarding Pisces people, or in the news or with people you know.



It's not the Pisceans who are the rugs ... we don't lay at people's feet, quite the opposite.