Dysfunctional parents

When i started reading i wondered if there'd be a cap moon in there somewhere. And it was.....imho the placement most ill equipped for child rearing. Just the emotional barren-ness....and the never ending feelings of not being good enough.

I heard that one too once....how much money was spent on me when i was young. Ayyy mother did i choose you and dad wanted to have sex on that day in May.....

Have you all ever actually had a sit down and talk about all this disconnect? Nobody sounds happy...it's sad to say but unhappy people can be like a sinking ship and drag others down with them. I know this may be difficult but maybe have a neutral chat with them, they were young once. Were they ever happy? What did they want that they never achieved? Can you help them, to help yourself?

It seems to me that you are feeling sorry for your self like your parents are, and that is not good for you.

The way I see it is you can’t choose your parents and you can’t change them, so the only way to make your self happy is letting go of your expectations. They don’t own you anything. When you don’t expect anything from them you can let it go. Of course is sad that they are like that, but is nothing you can do about it. Is up to you how you want to feel. Only you can control your thoughts and it not much else you can control in this life.

The choice is yours. Do you want to feel like this or do you want to be better than them...

Yeah, you sound like a spoiled asshole, sorry.

First off, you said it yourself- your parents didn't go to college, therefore chances of them making a living and supporting a kid were likely a bit tougher than most. As Arielle said, yeah, it sounds like they're depressed and it sounds like life didn't work out for them like they'd hoped.

I can't fault you for the emotional support bits, but you constantly bring up financial support, so people who go on about this not being about money can kindly stfu since all your examples of them "not caring" revolve around money.

You are 30 years old. You became an adult in your late teens/early 20s. Grow up. I cannot sympathize at all because I grew up KNOWING my parents couldn't afford to help out with all those finances you cry about. I wish I could have had such a luxury knowing that my parents could have done all that shit for me. But here you are, whining about how poor you, your parents won't hand you money like candy because everyone else's parents do. Boo hoo. Your family isn't everyone else. Small children compare their lives to others and cry about not getting what other kids have, not grown adults. Whenever I hear about other adults getting help like that from parents I either lol or think "wow, must be nice." I don't go on some depressive tirade about how terrible my parents were for not doing all that shit for me.

The emotional support is understandable, and you have every right to be upset about that bit. But stfu about the financial bits and be happy they were able to keep you housed and clothed as a child with some sort of stability in your childhood.

In short, you sound like you live in fantasy.

Sit down and try to talk to them about the emotional stuff. It's a Libra and an Aries ffs. They may be hard asses about it, but at least you put it out there in the open if you never have talked about it before. And if they don't respond appropriately, then at least you can say you tried to get through to them and get things squared away. THEN make your decision about distancing or not. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do with some family members.

Posted by bleebla
I think the answer to your question is how you want to make sure that you give your kids what you never have

Do you think I need to cut off this influence in my life in order to be the parent I wish to be?

Posted by Timon
Unfortunately we can't choose which family we are born into. You have no control over their words or actions only your own. Do what is best for your own mental health. You might have to accept that they will never change and let it go.

Sorry you had to go through that in your childhood. Hopefully you can move past the hurt and find peace within you. If that means letting them go then so be it.

You can talk to them to try to make them see how they hurt you and if they are willing to change but if not you have to learn to accept them as they are and if can't without being hurt maybe it's better you minimize contact with them.

Don't let your past destroy your future. All the best to you. 🙂

Thanks for your kind words!

I tried talking to them and my father did acknowledge that he's made a lot of harsh comments to me during my childhood (like calling me "fucking stupid idiot" during homework and stuff), but he's still not progressing from that to actually supporting me. I think he is actually incapable of doing that to anyone. My mother will not acknowledge that she has done anything wrong ever, unfortunately. :/

I'm thinking of cutting down contact to a minimum right now because the hurt I feel when talking to them sometimes is just unbearable and gets even worse when they remind me that I've had it "so much better" than a lot of other kids who's gone poor, or starved, or abused.. :/

Posted by Mr_Pinchy
When i started reading i wondered if there'd be a cap moon in there somewhere. And it was.....imho the placement most ill equipped for child rearing. Just the emotional barren-ness....and the never ending feelings of not being good enough.

I heard that one too once....how much money was spent on me when i was young. Ayyy mother did i choose you and dad wanted to have sex on that day in May.....

Indeed, I responded quite sourly to that comment that I did not ask to be born and he should have frickin' known what a kid costs and thought of that before he decided to have unprotected sex..

It's just an unbelievably cold comment to make. How come kids somewhow "owe" you back for being born into this world?

Posted by Arielle83
You expect your parents to support you even though you're an adult?

And you say all these things about them?

So they're only good to you if they give you support? $ $

You're parents sound depressed and probably stuck in a rut. Maybe you should be helping them out to get passed their problems. They raised you, but you feel you deserve more even though you see two ppl not enjoying life the way you expect to, and out of their pocket.

Maybe you're too young to understand gratitude.

I moved out at 18 and paid for my own uni, post grad, and technical school. My parents have the money. I just feel they did their job to give me the tools to evolve into an adult.

You sound like you want to regress and not hold responsibility, but put on those two ppl you criticize.

Yeah, the money bit does bug me but I also wrote that it's not even about the money anymore, I have paid for my own education, my own living so far, and I'll probably make it alone as well, it's just that it's going to take 10 years more than everybody else, because, for some reason, all other parents gladly help their children out but mine refuse to?

There's another underlying message here; it's not just financial support that's missing, it's the emotional support. If I had that, I could be happy.

You know, when I had to sit through a trial with my former partner who abused me, my father told me on the way home: "shut up you fucking crying bastard child". How's that for a supportive parent?

Not even offering to help me financially is just another way of denying me the emotional support I've needed from them since childhood.

But yeah, I don't know, I do agree with you that adults should fend for their own, and I do. I just feel something is missing here, and it hurts me. If you know what I mean?

Posted by Sprinkle
If we're gonna go by astrology here, I think it's your Scorpio moon that makes you incapable of letting go past hurts since you hold onto your family ties deeply.

I agree with Timon that the things you can't control are teaching you how to let go...you can talk to your parents about your feelings but if they won't make an effort to listen to you then it's their loss...

Yeah, I'm at the point where I did make a lot of changes already, my father is incredibly messy and is living in a dump (not trying to be mean, but their home is slightly unsanitary at times), and I have offered, during the course of three years, to help out in my spare time. It's hard even getting a thanks sometimes.

We've tried talking it out and my father made some acknowledgements on his part, but we're not getting anywhere and lately, the money bit is another surprise to me as an adult, finding out that practically all my friends were helped out by their parents except me.

It creates a hole inside of me and it really, really hurts. 😢

Posted by LibraLovesHim
Have you all ever actually had a sit down and talk about all this disconnect? Nobody sounds happy...it's sad to say but unhappy people can be like a sinking ship and drag others down with them. I know this may be difficult but maybe have a neutral chat with them, they were young once. Were they ever happy? What did they want that they never achieved? Can you help them, to help yourself?

Good idea. I've tried a couple of times, and they both had some unhappy childhoods on their part (mother had an abusive father, my father had a siblings that died early on, creating family trauma and probably the reason for his detachment) and I do understand that but I feel like there is a disconnect on their part, like THEY don't understand how their own pasts are affecting me.

I will try to have more neutral discussions like you suggested, but some of these things feel like a minefield sometimes..

Posted by pisceswoman123
It seems to me that you are feeling sorry for your self like your parents are, and that is not good for you.

The way I see it is you can’t choose your parents and you can’t change them, so the only way to make your self happy is letting go of your expectations. They don’t own you anything. When you don’t expect anything from them you can let it go. Of course is sad that they are like that, but is nothing you can do about it. Is up to you how you want to feel. Only you can control your thoughts and it not much else you can control in this life.

The choice is yours. Do you want to feel like this or do you want to be better than them...

Yeah, you're right, it's harsh, but I agree with you. I am feeling sorry for myself and sort of grieving the loss of my childhood, but I know it's time to move on and create a better one for my own children. I will try to talk it out with my parents once again maybe, but it'll probably be the final time as I've tried it before and we're only getting halfway sort of.

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by Timon

Posted by Arielle83
You expect your parents to support you even though you're an adult?

And you say all these things about them?

So they're only good to you if they give you support? $ $

You're parents sound depressed and probably stuck in a rut. Maybe you should be helping them out to get passed their problems. They raised you, but you feel you deserve more even though you see two ppl not enjoying life the way you expect to, and out of their pocket.

Maybe you're too young to understand gratitude.

I moved out at 18 and paid for my own uni, post grad, and technical school. My parents have the money. I just feel they did their job to give me the tools to evolve into an adult.

You sound like you want to regress and not hold responsibility, but put on those two ppl you criticize.

I don't think this is about money. She is feeling unwanted not loved. I think that's what her sadness is about.

Well like I said. Her parents are most likely depressed. They're still ppl with problems. If she sees a problem she should help them out by showing she cares about where they're at. Don't consider it babysitting when her mom wants to stay home with her.

click to expand

No, actually, she needs me to go with her anytime she leaves the house and expects me to use my vacation days for that. It's simple things like going to the doctor.

I guess I don't mind, but I think the problem is, they don't do the same for me, and they never have. Well, not without a huge fuss about what a problem and what a burden I am, unfortunately.

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by Timon

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by Timon

Posted by Arielle83
You expect your parents to support you even though you're an adult?

And you say all these things about them?

So they're only good to you if they give you support? $ $

You're parents sound depressed and probably stuck in a rut. Maybe you should be helping them out to get passed their problems. They raised you, but you feel you deserve more even though you see two ppl not enjoying life the way you expect to, and out of their pocket.

Maybe you're too young to understand gratitude.

I moved out at 18 and paid for my own uni, post grad, and technical school. My parents have the money. I just feel they did their job to give me the tools to evolve into an adult.

You sound like you want to regress and not hold responsibility, but put on those two ppl you criticize.

I don't think this is about money. She is feeling unwanted not loved. I think that's what her sadness is about.

Well like I said. Her parents are most likely depressed. They're still ppl with problems. If she sees a problem she should help them out by showing she cares about where they're at. Don't consider it babysitting when her mom wants to stay home with her.

Could be but she shouldn't have had to take the role as their parents. A dad that tells his daughter to pay him back for her cost growing up pretty much shows what type of person he is. I can understand her feelings towards him.

Well it's said bluntly, but we weren't there. It could all be his built up frustration regarding whatever rut he's in. The point of family is you help each other out, pull strings and you can't expect one person to always be on top. That's like thinking your parents are omnipotent, which they are not.

click to expand

Yes, he's definitely depressed though I must say, he has always been bitter, ever since I was a child.

It's hard.. because this is a person that very, very rarely show any warmth towards his only child, yet he expects me to be a perfect child for him and support him now that he's getting older.

I mean, I do it, I try to do it, but it's not coming naturally for me because all I keep thinking about is how he put me down during my childhood, calling me "bastard child", "fucking idiot" and so on..

Posted by jpx

Posted by Arielle83
You expect your parents to support you even though you're an adult?

And you say all these things about them?

So they're only good to you if they give you support? $ $

You're parents sound depressed and probably stuck in a rut. Maybe you should be helping them out to get passed their problems. They raised you, but you feel you deserve more even though you see two ppl not enjoying life the way you expect to, and out of their pocket.

Maybe you're too young to understand gratitude.

I moved out at 18 and paid for my own uni, post grad, and technical school. My parents have the money. I just feel they did their job to give me the tools to evolve into an adult.

You sound like you want to regress and not hold responsibility, but put on those two ppl you criticize.

Yeah, the money bit does bug me but I also wrote that it's not even about the money anymore, I have paid for my own education, my own living so far, and I'll probably make it alone as well, it's just that it's going to take 10 years more than everybody else, because, for some reason, all other parents gladly help their children out but mine refuse to?

There's another underlying message here; it's not just financial support that's missing, it's the emotional support. If I had that, I could be happy.

You know, when I had to sit through a trial with my former partner who abused me, my father told me on the way home: "shut up you fucking crying bastard child". How's that for a supportive parent?

Not even offering to help me financially is just another way of denying me the emotional support I've needed from them since childhood.

But yeah, I don't know, I do agree with you that adults should fend for their own, and I do. I just feel something is missing here, and it hurts me. If you know what I mean?

click to expand

JFC. Where do I start.

You say it is not about money, but 85% of what you wrote a diatribe about is the lack of financial help, and the remaining 15% is the lack of emotional support. It is about finances as well as emotions, whether you want to admit it or not. "Why can't my parents have just paid for me to have an easier life!"

At the end of the day, (I can't speak about the emotional part, only the financial part) the only financial responsibility your parents have to you, is to give you the skill sets to take care of yourself financially. To be independent and self sufficient. From the sounds of it, they accomplished that in the fact that you were able to do all of this on your own. It's called tough love. If they continually help you, continually bail you out, continually financially support you, it could easily turn into coddling.

It's annoying that you are sitting here throwing a baby bitch tantrum at 30 years old about how "it's so unfair! other parents did it!" News flash, not all parents help out their children with money for an first apartment and living as a damn adult. It's even more obnoxious to me that you think you should have been entitled to their help because "everyone else's parents did!" Mine didn't, and I sure as shit didn't expect her too just because she has a ton of money. I am not entitled to her money, just because I am her daughter. Her bank account is not mine, and have never thought I had rights to dictate how she decides to spend her money.

You didn't go hungry, you were clothed, and had a roof over your head. You had it better then 80% of the world, and you are sitting here at 30, crying about first world problems. JFC

As for the emotional stuff, your parents are still human and will make mistakes. Doesn't mean their lack of emotional support isn't wrong, it's just you need to kinda grow up, because you still come off very immature. There isn't some sort of handbook that people get when they have a kid that tells them the do's and don'ts of parenthood. Hell if I got a dollar for every time my mom said some fucked up shit to me growing up, I would be rich. It took having an conversation with her, and counselling on her behalf, to understand she had her own demons to conquer.

Posted by jpx

Posted by bleebla
I think the answer to your question is how you want to make sure that you give your kids what you never have

Do you think I need to cut off this influence in my life in order to be the parent I wish to be?

click to expand

Just learn from your experiences with your parents and decide not to repeat their mistakes

I was raised by a Capricorn sun, Leo moon and other fire sign placements mum and an Aries sun, Sag moon dad. I am water dominant and felt short changed emotionally but aware they loved me. I am a parent and have stayed aware of what I missed out on when i was a little girl needing more. Our son tells me he doesn't need any more love as he has enough lol. He is confident, kind and strong

Both my parents have passed over now ..... I forgave them for what they didn't know and I have forgiven myself for blaming them at times for how I felt

I hope you can too.....one day ❤️

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Yeah, you sound like a spoiled asshole, sorry.

First off, you said it yourself- your parents didn't go to college, therefore chances of them making a living and supporting a kid were likely a bit tougher than most. As Arielle said, yeah, it sounds like they're depressed and it sounds like life didn't work out for them like they'd hoped.

I can't fault you for the emotional support bits, but you constantly bring up financial support, so people who go on about this not being about money can kindly stfu since all your examples of them "not caring" revolve around money.

You are 30 years old. You became an adult in your late teens/early 20s. Grow up. I cannot sympathize at all because I grew up KNOWING my parents couldn't afford to help out with all those finances you cry about. I wish I could have had such a luxury knowing that my parents could have done all that shit for me. But here you are, whining about how poor you, your parents won't hand you money like candy because everyone else's parents do. Boo hoo. Your family isn't everyone else. Small children compare their lives to others and cry about not getting what other kids have, not grown adults. Whenever I hear about other adults getting help like that from parents I either lol or think "wow, must be nice." I don't go on some depressive tirade about how terrible my parents were for not doing all that shit for me.

The emotional support is understandable, and you have every right to be upset about that bit. But stfu about the financial bits and be happy they were able to keep you housed and clothed as a child with some sort of stability in your childhood.

In short, you sound like you live in fantasy.

Sit down and try to talk to them about the emotional stuff. It's a Libra and an Aries ffs. They may be hard asses about it, but at least you put it out there in the open if you never have talked about it before. And if they don't respond appropriately, then at least you can say you tried to get through to them and get things squared away. THEN make your decision about distancing or not. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do with some family members.

I know, I'm just being honest about how I feel, I guess the money bit is representative to me about the loss of emotional support I've felt, sorry if you felt like I was "going on" about it.

Though I feel I must add, they have had possibilities of putting a bit of money aside for me like most families do, they aren't exactly what I would consider poor, you know. I have helped clean out their house, so I've seen where their money has gone instead. My mother had two wardrobes full of purses and assorted bags, still with price tags attached to them. To me, that's not having your priorities clear.. but well, that's my opinions and it's obvious I am a completely different person from them.

But other than that, yeah, I agree with you that I'm at a breaking point because we've tried talking this over, but distancing yourself from your family is a tough thing to do. You get sucked back in because you WANT for things to be different, if you know what I mean.

Posted by RooSagicorn
We can’t choose who are parents are. At some point, we must accept what we were given. You take responsibility for you, and be the parent to your kids that you didn’t get. That’s all we can do.

I never cut my parents off, but give them attention they didn’t deserve, no that doesn’t happen anymore. It was funny when my mom started telling me that I’m a better mom than she ever was & apologized for not being a good mom and what I needed. I never asked for that from her.

So you know just take care of you. You can change the patterns but you need to let it go first. Like your partner, it’s best for you. It is not making it okay, giving them a pass, it’s you taking care of your own emotional needs. Oh btw my mom is a Libra sun & ex husband is an Aries sun/Cap moon - I get what you’re saying. But it’s not about them anymore.

No, you're right. I guess I'm trying to find that balance, of still having some contact with them, but minimizing my hurt because every little thing still brings up past hurts. Glad to hear your mom acknowledged this to you, I can imagine that makes it easier to sort of move on as well!

Posted by nikkistar

Posted by jpx

Posted by Arielle83
You expect your parents to support you even though you're an adult?

And you say all these things about them?

So they're only good to you if they give you support? $ $

You're parents sound depressed and probably stuck in a rut. Maybe you should be helping them out to get passed their problems. They raised you, but you feel you deserve more even though you see two ppl not enjoying life the way you expect to, and out of their pocket.

Maybe you're too young to understand gratitude.

I moved out at 18 and paid for my own uni, post grad, and technical school. My parents have the money. I just feel they did their job to give me the tools to evolve into an adult.

You sound like you want to regress and not hold responsibility, but put on those two ppl you criticize.

Yeah, the money bit does bug me but I also wrote that it's not even about the money anymore, I have paid for my own education, my own living so far, and I'll probably make it alone as well, it's just that it's going to take 10 years more than everybody else, because, for some reason, all other parents gladly help their children out but mine refuse to?

There's another underlying message here; it's not just financial support that's missing, it's the emotional support. If I had that, I could be happy.

You know, when I had to sit through a trial with my former partner who abused me, my father told me on the way home: "shut up you fucking crying bastard child". How's that for a supportive parent?

Not even offering to help me financially is just another way of denying me the emotional support I've needed from them since childhood.

But yeah, I don't know, I do agree with you that adults should fend for their own, and I do. I just feel something is missing here, and it hurts me. If you know what I mean?

JFC. Where do I start.

You say it is not about money, but 85% of what you wrote a diatribe about is the lack of financial help, and the remaining 15% is the lack of emotional support. It is about finances as well as emotions, whether you want to admit it or not. "Why can't my parents have just paid for me to have an easier life!"

At the end of the day, (I can't speak about the emotional part, only the financial part) the only financial responsibility your parents have to you, is to give you the skill sets to take care of yourself financially. To be independent and self sufficient. From the sounds of it, they accomplished that in the fact that you were able to do all of this on your own. It's called tough love. If they continually help you, continually bail you out, continually financially support you, it could easily turn into coddling.

It's annoying that you are sitting here throwing a baby bitch tantrum at 30 years old about how "it's so unfair! other parents did it!" News flash, not all parents help out their children with money for an first apartment and living as a damn adult. It's even more obnoxious to me that you think you should have been entitled to their help because "everyone else's parents did!" Mine didn't, and I sure as shit didn't expect her too just because she has a ton of money. I am not entitled to her money, just because I am her daughter. Her bank account is not mine, and have never thought I had rights to dictate how she decides to spend her money.

You didn't go hungry, you were clothed, and had a roof over your head. You had it better then 80% of the world, and you are sitting here at 30, crying about first world problems. JFC

As for the emotional stuff, your parents are still human and will make mistakes. Doesn't mean their lack of emotional support isn't wrong, it's just you need to kinda grow up, because you still come off very immature. There isn't some sort of handbook that people get when they have a kid that tells them the do's and don'ts of parenthood. Hell if I got a dollar for every time my mom said some fucked up shit to me growing up, I would be rich. It took having an conversation with her, and counselling on her behalf, to understand she had her own demons to conquer.

click to expand

I actually never did expect them to pay for anything, because they told me they didn't have any money, and now it turns out they did (so you know, it wasn't about the money, it was about them not WANTING to help), and I was just so shocked to hear that apparently this is the standard, to help out your kids as they grow up. I literally had no idea, so I guess I started over-thinking this and it brought a ton of other stuff into light.

But yeah, I get what you're saying, and I know I've still done alright for myself without their help.

I do understand the tough love part of, and no, they don't owe me anything - except they could have fucking loved me, and showed me that in SOME way.

As for the emotional side of it.. you're being a bit hard now, I think. Saying fucked up things to your kids EVERY once in a while, yeah, I get that, everbody makes mistakes - but continously telling them they're stupid bastards, that they should "pay you back", telling them to shut up and stop crying when they've just faced their perpetrator in a trial - that's beyond fucked up to me, and not having a hand book for parenting is no excuse. It's just damn common sense not to say stuff like that to your child, whom you're supposed to love and "care" for. And that's NOT me being ungrateful - it's not ungrateful for a child to ask to be loved.

Posted by tiziani
I think @halalbae gives good insight on things like this, she might be able to put some perspective for you

For me I wouldn't wait for them to change. And obviously your priority is to get a place for yourself so use your money for that. I always dreamed of meeting someone from a big family hoping it would magically change me, but you get to a point where you know it's best to work with what you've got - sooner I did sooner I looked towards a completely different group of emotions when approaching family time with my existing family.

Yeah, I've tried doing what works best for us - we have some mutual hobbies so sticking to that works, but unfortunately, I'm still dreaming of a close, caring family but it's obvious it will never happen.

I've been very warmly welcomed into my partners family, so I'm hoping to find the support I've wanted there instead, and maybe I'll have a different relationship with my parents instead.

look

- stop looking to your parents for love and approval - if you didn't get it by now it isn't going to happen - you will need to give it to yourself

- it is what it is right now so deal with it in the present - you made it out ok - with the ability to be self sufficient - take it from there

- you've done it all yourself and you should be proud of that - push come to shove you may just be better at taking care of yourself than your friends where were handed a silver platter

- be grateful for what you have which is a lot - and so some research and growth reading on not getting the emotional love you needed - I have been there and done it myself - I believe through self growth you will find the answers to how to raise your children

Posted by RooSagicorn

Posted by jpx

Posted by RooSagicorn
We can’t choose who are parents are. At some point, we must accept what we were given. You take responsibility for you, and be the parent to your kids that you didn’t get. That’s all we can do.

I never cut my parents off, but give them attention they didn’t deserve, no that doesn’t happen anymore. It was funny when my mom started telling me that I’m a better mom than she ever was & apologized for not being a good mom and what I needed. I never asked for that from her.

So you know just take care of you. You can change the patterns but you need to let it go first. Like your partner, it’s best for you. It is not making it okay, giving them a pass, it’s you taking care of your own emotional needs. Oh btw my mom is a Libra sun & ex husband is an Aries sun/Cap moon - I get what you’re saying. But it’s not about them anymore.

No, you're right. I guess I'm trying to find that balance, of still having some contact with them, but minimizing my hurt because every little thing still brings up past hurts. Glad to hear your mom acknowledged this to you, I can imagine that makes it easier to sort of move on as well!

Well it took a long time. It happened when i did some intensive therapy to deal with my patterns. I opened my life all up & I started changing. My power was in the reducing contact, and not reacting. See if you don’t react to the mean comments, then the comments have no power over you. It then gives you power over them. They can’t blame you for being the problem anymore. Then it exposes how they treat you & doesn’t make them feel so good about themselves. This is all without confronting them & not cutting contact, just reducing it. So do what you need to do for yourself. Whatever that is.

click to expand

Thank you! That's very good advice, thanks again.

I've noticed that calling out some of my dad's horrible words to me, in a very adult tone, sometimes stops him. Like saying: "that's a hurtful thing you just said, I know you don't mean it but it sounds bad when you put it like that and you wouldn't want someone talking to you that way" and he'll go quiet.

I can't always be the mature one though, I have bad days as well, and if something like that happens on a bad day.. it will just hurt like hell and bring all the past hurt back again.

Posted by bittercupcake
Part of me understands your plight because it sounds very much like my parents... except my parents are well off and they're more helpful financially speaking. The problem was the lack of love and affection. My mom's bitter comments and resentment and my dad's coldness and unaffectionate ways.

The other part of me says to suck it up and quit bitching about it. I grew up just like you did and so did my sisters. My earth and water sister's bitch about how my parents were, lack of love blah blah blah. I say who gives a fcking rats ass. Sure it hurt at times when my mom (Libra moon) would say shitty things to me, even humiliate and make fun of me in front of people. But you accept that their your parents and move on. The love that I lack from them I get from my partner and kids, which I reciprocate.

Don't let your parents bitterness let it consume you. I love my parents because as yours did: they provided food, clothing, shelter, private education, and everything else except love. They showed love through action and materialistic things. No person is perfect so I can't complain and say they're horrible. I rather have a parent that fought to have a better future for me and my sisters, than a parent who says they 'love' me and does shit to bring food.

I say just keep your distance. Whenever my parents step out of line I ground them. No visits, no calls, just a memory of me. That usually sets my mom straight and actually makes her more warm towards me. If I'd be around more often, she'd be a total witch.

Yeah, sound advice, thanks! I'll try to do exactly that.

I guess this is exactly my problem - I do feel like I'm bitching because I did get a roof over my head, I wasn't abused (only been hit once by my mother though that's bad as well) and they always made sure I had new, clean clothes. Stuff like that. I turned out good, almost.

And yet - I know there's been a lack of love and support as you say. I'm still fighting that and I'm not even angry anymore, I'm just really, really sad. It's just been me you know, no siblings, no relatives to talk to except my grandmother who once told me, when I told her about some hurtful stuff my dad did to me: "oh I know exactly what they're like, sweetie".. and now unfortunately, she's dead.

I feel left alone and like I'm not getting anywhere with my parents, but I need to accept the hand I'm dealt and move on.

They did what they could, I guess. I'll have to get the rest of the support and love I need elsewhere.

Thanks for your advice.

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by jpx

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by Timon

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by Timon

Posted by Arielle83
You expect your parents to support you even though you're an adult?

And you say all these things about them?

So they're only good to you if they give you support? $ $

You're parents sound depressed and probably stuck in a rut. Maybe you should be helping them out to get passed their problems. They raised you, but you feel you deserve more even though you see two ppl not enjoying life the way you expect to, and out of their pocket.

Maybe you're too young to understand gratitude.

I moved out at 18 and paid for my own uni, post grad, and technical school. My parents have the money. I just feel they did their job to give me the tools to evolve into an adult.

You sound like you want to regress and not hold responsibility, but put on those two ppl you criticize.

I don't think this is about money. She is feeling unwanted not loved. I think that's what her sadness is about.

Well like I said. Her parents are most likely depressed. They're still ppl with problems. If she sees a problem she should help them out by showing she cares about where they're at. Don't consider it babysitting when her mom wants to stay home with her.

Could be but she shouldn't have had to take the role as their parents. A dad that tells his daughter to pay him back for her cost growing up pretty much shows what type of person he is. I can understand her feelings towards him.

Well it's said bluntly, but we weren't there. It could all be his built up frustration regarding whatever rut he's in. The point of family is you help each other out, pull strings and you can't expect one person to always be on top. That's like thinking your parents are omnipotent, which they are not.

Yes, he's definitely depressed though I must say, he has always been bitter, ever since I was a child.

It's hard.. because this is a person that very, very rarely show any warmth towards his only child, yet he expects me to be a perfect child for him and support him now that he's getting older.

I mean, I do it, I try to do it, but it's not coming naturally for me because all I keep thinking about is how he put me down during my childhood, calling me "bastard child", "fucking idiot" and so on..

See if I can as getting that treatment, I would just cut them off. But only after I e stood up to them and they keep repeating.

Have you defended yourself?

click to expand

I have, and we've sat down and talked about how it's not really helpful and in fact extremely hurtful for a child to hear that. He acknowledges some of those comments, but still, he keeps making them now as well. Like, really hurtful stuff. He projects a lot of his own stress and bitterness onto other people and I can't get him to stop.

Posted by tctao
look

- stop looking to your parents for love and approval - if you didn't get it by now it isn't going to happen - you will need to give it to yourself

- it is what it is right now so deal with it in the present - you made it out ok - with the ability to be self sufficient - take it from there

- you've done it all yourself and you should be proud of that - push come to shove you may just be better at taking care of yourself than your friends where were handed a silver platter

- be grateful for what you have which is a lot - and so some research and growth reading on not getting the emotional love you needed - I have been there and done it myself - I believe through self growth you will find the answers to how to raise your children

You're absolutely right, and we're getting to the root of the problem.

Someone else told me I need to give myself the pride, love and support I want from them, but I can't because I don't know how to. I don't know how to feel proud of myself or my accomplishments. I just feel like there's something "missing" all the time, if you know what I mean?

Posted by RooSagicorn

Posted by jpx

Posted by RooSagicorn

Posted by jpx

Posted by RooSagicorn
We can’t choose who are parents are. At some point, we must accept what we were given. You take responsibility for you, and be the parent to your kids that you didn’t get. That’s all we can do.

I never cut my parents off, but give them attention they didn’t deserve, no that doesn’t happen anymore. It was funny when my mom started telling me that I’m a better mom than she ever was & apologized for not being a good mom and what I needed. I never asked for that from her.

So you know just take care of you. You can change the patterns but you need to let it go first. Like your partner, it’s best for you. It is not making it okay, giving them a pass, it’s you taking care of your own emotional needs. Oh btw my mom is a Libra sun & ex husband is an Aries sun/Cap moon - I get what you’re saying. But it’s not about them anymore.

No, you're right. I guess I'm trying to find that balance, of still having some contact with them, but minimizing my hurt because every little thing still brings up past hurts. Glad to hear your mom acknowledged this to you, I can imagine that makes it easier to sort of move on as well!

Well it took a long time. It happened when i did some intensive therapy to deal with my patterns. I opened my life all up & I started changing. My power was in the reducing contact, and not reacting. See if you don’t react to the mean comments, then the comments have no power over you. It then gives you power over them. They can’t blame you for being the problem anymore. Then it exposes how they treat you & doesn’t make them feel so good about themselves. This is all without confronting them & not cutting contact, just reducing it. So do what you need to do for yourself. Whatever that is.

Thank you! That's very good advice, thanks again.

I've noticed that calling out some of my dad's horrible words to me, in a very adult tone, sometimes stops him. Like saying: "that's a hurtful thing you just said, I know you don't mean it but it sounds bad when you put it like that and you wouldn't want someone talking to you that way" and he'll go quiet.

I can't always be the mature one though, I have bad days as well, and if something like that happens on a bad day.. it will just hurt like hell and bring all the past hurt back again.

Well you know what I did with my stepdad? Just didn’t respond at all. Then they hear what they said. At first, it got worse. He in front of the entire family including my kids, accused me of never liking him. I still said nothing. Everyone stared at him & it was just silence. The comments stopped after that. Oh my mom married him when I was 12. She chose making him happy over emotional support to her children.

click to expand

Oh wow, sounds like a real wake up call. That's clever of you. Though my dad only sneaks in his comments when it's just the three of us, knowing my mum doesn't stand up to me, in front of other people, like my partner or my friends, he'll be ok and even downright pleasant. It's tricky.

Posted by jpx

Posted by tctao
look

- stop looking to your parents for love and approval - if you didn't get it by now it isn't going to happen - you will need to give it to yourself

- it is what it is right now so deal with it in the present - you made it out ok - with the ability to be self sufficient - take it from there

- you've done it all yourself and you should be proud of that - push come to shove you may just be better at taking care of yourself than your friends where were handed a silver platter

- be grateful for what you have which is a lot - and so some research and growth reading on not getting the emotional love you needed - I have been there and done it myself - I believe through self growth you will find the answers to how to raise your children

You're absolutely right, and we're getting to the root of the problem.

Someone else told me I need to give myself the pride, love and support I want from them, but I can't because I don't know how to. I don't know how to feel proud of myself or my accomplishments. I just feel like there's something "missing" all the time, if you know what I mean?

click to expand

I know exactly what you mean. It's a journey and you must love the journey, not focus on the end goal. If you truly want to learn you will find a way. I eventually overcame after reading a boatload of self growth books and seeing a garden variety of specialists.

Posted by jpx

Posted by pisceswoman123
It seems to me that you are feeling sorry for your self like your parents are, and that is not good for you.

The way I see it is you can’t choose your parents and you can’t change them, so the only way to make your self happy is letting go of your expectations. They don’t own you anything. When you don’t expect anything from them you can let it go. Of course is sad that they are like that, but is nothing you can do about it. Is up to you how you want to feel. Only you can control your thoughts and it not much else you can control in this life.

The choice is yours. Do you want to feel like this or do you want to be better than them...

Yeah, you're right, it's harsh, but I agree with you. I am feeling sorry for myself and sort of grieving the loss of my childhood, but I know it's time to move on and create a better one for my own children. I will try to talk it out with my parents once again maybe, but it'll probably be the final time as I've tried it before and we're only getting halfway sort of.

click to expand

Yes, if it helps you to talk to them, you should.

Personally, I just forgive them for all there mistakes because I believe that they didn't do it in purpose. I concentrate in all the things that they gave me that made me happy. No everyone is perfect and I think they probably try there best. They were just not very good at it. Lol