@coldwateryvirgo
9 Years500+ PostsVirgo
Afraid of marriage
I do have fear of abandonment which contribute
Im not ready for this kind of kermitment! 😂😂😂
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
The reason I ask is, there were two couples in my family where there was infidelity, one half of one of the couple had three affairs but I was the only one that knew. The rest of the family blabbed on about what wonderful couples they were lol
Hypocrisy
Posted by coldwateryvirgo
I do have fear of abandonment which contribute
as long as you keep your husband happy, you would have no worries of abandonment.
there's that saying, happy wife, happy life.
i would think it's the same with husband too, happy husband,happy life.
if someone keeps abusing you and gaslighting you, accusing you of things constantly, hurting you,
then both of you are not happy because there's an underlying issue from the person who keeps gaslighting.
or if they are physically abusive.
i would never marry someone who didnt have their psychological shit together, but this is only after i realized from the past. same with me, if we both have underlying psychological issues that cannot be healed.
if they don't have their issues, these very very deep wounds ; underlying issues dealt with, you cannot go forward together in life in happiness.
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
The reason I ask is, there were two couples in my family where there was infidelity, one half of one of the couple had three affairs but I was the only one that knew. The rest of the family blabbed on about what wonderful couples they were lol
Hypocrisy
click to expand
keeping up appearances.
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
The reason I ask is, there were two couples in my family where there was infidelity, one half of one of the couple had three affairs but I was the only one that knew. The rest of the family blabbed on about what wonderful couples they were lol
Hypocrisy
keeping up appearances.
click to expand
Yes, Lisa....it's bullshit
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
From what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.
click to expand
Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the Waltons
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
being selfish for eachother is quite different.
it can also work the other way, being too unselfish and giving of your time to other people and neglecting your SO.
you have to have balance.
Posted by tiziani
Mostly I think it best for myself to listen to how relationships fail and accept that more than likely those will be things my relationship will go through, too. That way we've got the license to treat each other as human beings and friends even though failure and disappointment together.I feel there's another approach that just winds up feeling like unnecessary pressure and expectation: it's the "promise perfection" / "all those other couples have failed where we won't" approach that just sets up a mountain of expectation.
It's fine to be idealistic really, I am, but I remember I used to be so idealistic about my parents and yet so unforgiving of any mistakes they made. once I saw them as human and got to know them a little more as friends, it was a much more rewarding relationship both ways, for me and them.
People freak out and claim they would NEVER EVER allow the things they hope won't happen to them in an effort to make those things unacceptable to everyone. They won't actually know until they live it.
click to expand
definitely.
no one really knows until one REALLY gets into the dirty work.
Posted by tiziani
Mostly I think it best for myself to listen to how relationships fail and accept that more than likely those will be things my relationship will go through, too. That way we've got the license to treat each other as human beings and friends even though failure and disappointment together.I feel there's another approach that just winds up feeling like unnecessary pressure and expectation: it's the "promise perfection" / "all those other couples have failed where we won't" approach that just sets up a mountain of expectation.
It's fine to be idealistic really, I am, but I remember I used to be so idealistic about my parents and yet so unforgiving of any mistakes they made. once I saw them as human and got to know them a little more as friends, it was a much more rewarding relationship both ways, for me and them.
People freak out and claim they would NEVER EVER allow the things they hope won't happen to them in an effort to make those things unacceptable to everyone. They won't actually know until they live it.
I agree.
"You never know until you've been tested"
Plus the fear of it happening will just increase the odds of it anyway.
click to expand
that's why peeps stay single.
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
From what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.
Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the Waltons
That's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.
click to expand
I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow more
I do though admire people that find true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement. 'Tis a rare thing !
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
From what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.
Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the Waltons
That's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.
I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow more
I do though admire people that find true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement. 'Tis a rare thing !
So, you are cynical that a marriage could be Walton-like, but you are looking for a marriage that is "true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement"?
No one is happy all the time. No relationship is happy all the time. That's not cynicism. It's reality.
click to expand
No
I'm not looking for anything outside of myself....I've no need
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
From what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.
Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the Waltons
That's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.
I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow more
I do though admire people that find true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement. 'Tis a rare thing !
So, you are cynical that a marriage could be Walton-like, but you are looking for a marriage that is "true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement"?
No one is happy all the time. No relationship is happy all the time. That's not cynicism. It's reality.
No
I'm not looking for anything outside of myself....I've no need
So, you prefer to not get married. That's fine. Some of us still want to be in marriages.
click to expand
I was in one
We are still best friends and have a lovely son....we are a happy family not living together ... I would not choose to live with anyone again, when we lived together it was not good
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
From what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.
Does the husband know tho?
Yes, actually it became public knowledge in that little town.
Well that's one kind person then 🙂 Best of luck for these 2!
Thank you.
click to expand
Foresaking all others
I could not sleep with or trust anyone again that betrayed me. Everyone to their own though ....
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
From what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.
Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the Waltons
That's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.
I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow more
I do though admire people that find true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement. 'Tis a rare thing !
So, you are cynical that a marriage could be Walton-like, but you are looking for a marriage that is "true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement"?
No one is happy all the time. No relationship is happy all the time. That's not cynicism. It's reality.
No
I'm not looking for anything outside of myself....I've no need
So, you prefer to not get married. That's fine. Some of us still want to be in marriages.
I was in one
We are still best friends and have a lovely son....we are a happy family not living together ... I would not choose to live with anyone again, when we lived together it was not good
I understand. I'm sorry it didn't work out (if you are), but glad you've made decisions you feel good about.
click to expand
Thank you. I'm not sorry now, it's all good and meant to be....the three of us are amazing friends and have so much in common . I've learned so much from those two men ❤️❤️
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
From what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.
Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the Waltons
That's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.
I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow more
I do though admire people that find true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement. 'Tis a rare thing !
So, you are cynical that a marriage could be Walton-like, but you are looking for a marriage that is "true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement"?
No one is happy all the time. No relationship is happy all the time. That's not cynicism. It's reality.
No
I'm not looking for anything outside of myself....I've no need
So, you prefer to not get married. That's fine. Some of us still want to be in marriages.
I was in one
We are still best friends and have a lovely son....we are a happy family not living together ... I would not choose to live with anyone again, when we lived together it was not good
I understand. I'm sorry it didn't work out (if you are), but glad you've made decisions you feel good about.
Thank you. I'm not sorry now, it's all good and meant to be....the three of us are amazing friends and have so much in common . I've learned so much from those two men ❤️❤️
I wonder what to call that. I mean the marriage failed, so it's a "failed marriage" technically, but you're in a good place now and wouldn't have the son without the father.
click to expand
It's good
No need for labels
There is love .... that's all that matters at the end of the day
.......and where there is love, there is no failure
❤️
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I don’t have commitment problem . I do however have failure problem .
It seems like all marriage fail and divorcees preach exactly that. On top of that I grew up with .... unconventional background so parents weren’t marriage example either nor does any married people I’ve known throughout my life happy .
I want to get married but sometimes the thoughts of all the ways it can go wrong ... well makes you wonder why even bother