Am I In The Wrong Here?

This may be a little lengthy, but you need the background to understand what is going on.

Two and a half years ago, I was getting ready to leave LA when a friend I made there told me he just had an apartment open up in Santa Barbara. And if I wanted to room with him. I said yes immediately given how he talked up Santa Barbara. He told me there was another guy living there in his early 60's living there. Which I was ok with.

So I took the money I saved up and moved down there. He was slowly going to take over the apartment from his friend who's name it was under. My friend's friend had already moved out btw. It was understood once my friend got his money together and I had a regular job, I would pay half for the deposit as well as the old man since it was a new lease.

So that happened and he took over the apartment in his name along with the old man. But my name was not on the lease as if it were, the deposit would be more. But I was still paying monthly rent.

1st year went ok, we had some bumps with each other but more with the old man. The old man by the end of the 1st year stopped going out and stayed at home more. Which was fine until we had guests over. And he would be unintentionally creepy talking about his knowledge of serial killers and learning 100 chess games with guests. Turns out the old man is mildly autistic and has some other mental health issues

So we decided we couldnt have any one over due to the old man being home more. Which was fine. All this time I have been trying to get a permanent job here so I could eventually move out. But I kept getting temp to perm jobs that went bust due to budget restrictions and other things.

So I decided after a year and a half that it was time to move out of Santa Barbara. I let my friend know that eventually within a year or a little more, I would be leaving. He was cool with it. I had a string of bad luck again where decent paying longer term temp work got cut short (not due to my actions but more of the project completed early) This slowed me down.

Fast forward to october of 2016, my friend meets this older woman in his bible study group. He is 35, she is in her early 50's. She is divorced with two teenaged children that live with their father. At first things were bumpy, because she was pushing for a commitment after only 4 dates even though she has only been divorced 6 months. My friend put the breaks saying he has to get to know her more before making a commitment. And that she should keep her dating options open if she is in a rush.

She relented, and things started going better between them. He falls in love with her and starts to spend 6 days a week at her house. Which is fine. But she wants to spend more time at his place as well. Which would be fine except one thing.

He lied to her and said he only lived with one roommate. He lied due to being embarassed about living with 2 other men in a 1 1/2 bedroom apartment. Some more background - the old man sleeps in a chair due to being massively overweight and has back issues because of it. I sleep on a couch with a fold out bed.

So he asked me to split when she is about to come over. That was fine, but then it starts being every day, she comes over to pick him up so he can stay over with there or just to hang out for the day. I literally have to be gone until 10 pm on a weeknight every day. And if its a saturday I need to be gone by 11 in the morning. Since he comes back to the apartment with her to hang out.

I have to ask permission to come home just to drop something off or go get my laundry because his work schedule changes every other day due to being a caregiver. And as I said, she comes over to see him every day. Sometimes he ignores my texts about if it is ok to come home for an hour which is understandable due to being busy at work. Other times he isnt busy and just busy hanging with her.

He informed me two months ago that if things keep going well, that by this october her and him will move into a rented house permanently. One time he ignored my text asking about if it is ok to come back since it was after 10 at night and everything closes here early. I waited an hour and never got a response. So I went back and her car wasnt there. So I texted I was home now.

But I was pissed off and the next morning conveyed to him that it was rude to ignore my text. He apologized but then I conveyed to him that I am getting worn down being forced to stay out late.



And asked why he doesn't just tell her I'm moving in for a few months and will be out by september. BTW I've met her outside of the apartment and have told her Im leaving santa barbara in September. So I think she would understand and would not care. But he thought that would still look weird and embarrassing to her.

He angrily retorts that he never stays over night there and can leave the apartment any time since meeting this woman. Since he pays the highest amount for the rent having the main bedroom. He says he is doing me a favor by letting me stay there when he pays a higher amount and is never there over night hardly.

For my small little space I am paying a reasonable amount and have in the past before he dated her, offered to pay a little more. But he declined that. He basically nicely said in other words it is his apartment. (Even though I pay rent and helped pay the deposit, my name is not on the lease)

My question is this - I am potentially about to start a new job but it starts in the morning. Which would start in the morning, Therefore, that would make me have to be in bed by 9:30. Which would mean she couldnt come inside if I was here at that time. Even though she does sometimes wait in the vehicle outside while he grabs his stuff to take over for the night.

I am going to be nicely firm with my friend stating I have to have enough rest since this is a high pressured job. And I want to make sure I do good at it by having enough sleep. I think he would be ok with it at first. But after 3 days straight of her not coming inside, he is not going to be ok. Due to pressure from her.

I am standing my ground on this though. But am I wrong here, since he does pay the most for rent due to having a main bedroom and hardly stays over night at the apartment? I am getting prepared to walk out if this becomes an issue. But I do want to see if there's a chance I am out of line. Would like to know your thoughts.

CORRECTION - I meant in October of 2017, he met his girlfriend. Sorry for the typo.

Thanks for reading through all that. Sorry for the length but I wanted for people to understand the way the living situation was prior to him meeting his girlfriend.

He constantly holds this over my head that he is doing me a favor by paying the most for rent since he is not there overnight anymore. And that he could leave me hanging if he wanted to and leave. But he is staying there so I have a place to stay since I am his friend according to him

Also he reinstates the fact I am paying less which will help me save money to leave. I am trying to get out of there quick but I am waiting on mail from the irs regarding a resubmitted tax return. Once I get the tax return results plus having a secure semi permanent job, I am going to try to ditch by June.

I am going to try to find a type of shelter where they let you pay on a daily or weekly basis.

He also was resentful about the fact he had to pay for me to stay overnight elsewhere because she wanted to stay over. And was getting suspicious that he had a girlfriend. So he felt he had to prove it he did not by having her stay over for a night.

The reason I couldnt pay for a room is because I am in between work and on a tight budget. Normally it wouldnt have been the problem had the weather been warmer at night. I would have gone to one of the nice beaches in SB and slept over night there.

He asked why I couldnt stay at a shelter for the night. And I said since it is cold outside more druggies will come in and the chances for being robbed at the shelter would be higher.

He understood once I explained that and backed off and paid for the hostel room.

But now I feel like that is going to be used against me

I am getting fed up with the situation but I have to wait things out for a little longer. But I know once I move out of Santa Barbara Im cutting contact for a while.

Until he gets his head back on straight. I've been in relationships before and I have never gotten narcissistic the way he has become.

I'm learning that he is the type that once he gets in a relationship, he disappears on his friends. And clings hard to his girlfriend. But she is the same way so that works out for them I guess.

I've never disappeared on friends once I got into a relationship because I believe it is important for both people to have their own lives.

Guess he is wired differently

Btw my friend is a Pisces Sun with a Virgo Moon Sign. Is control freakery a common thing for a person with that kind of chart?

I have confronted him about the fact that he doesn't have to stay over there.

But he comes back with the fact he cant bring her overnight to the apartment when me and the other guy are there.

He reemphasizes the fact he is doing both me and the other guy a favor by paying the most for internet and rent even though he doesn't really live here anymore except once a week. And letting us have the opportunity to have time to save up money

When he could move into her place at anytime.

As i mentioned before, he backed off the shelter thing and paid for my hostel stay that weekend

He holds all the cards since nobody will want to move into a situation where there is little privacy

The thing that has saved our friendship before is he will admit when he is wrong.

But not this time though since he is holding the position he is doing us a favor by still paying the highest rent and not really living there anymore

I pretty much know he is going to screw it up with her once they officially get a place

He has a violent temper and while he doesn't hit anyone he can be destructive with property

Being a passive woman she will forgive it the first couple of times. But after the 3rd time she will start looking for a way out

Let me add that he has huge trust issues

And tends to think the worst of people immediately if something bad happens

He thinks because of being in the honeymoon stage of their relationship, that they wont have any major arguments once theyre paying for a place together

Which is beyond naive. Im cutting off contact for a while once i leave

He used to be a good guy but once he got into this relationship the self centredness has gone light speed

Until he realizes he was wrong for treating me this way

Im not perfect by any means but i try to be a good friend. And i dont have room for people in my life that have turned toxic that don't wish to improve themselves

Btw i have a Sag moon and mars, with venus in libra

I feel like my sag moon sign pretty aptly describes me. The only things i feel that are wrong for the sag moon is i dont cheat and im not relationship phobic.

I am very cautious in entering them due to past hurt and making sure im with the right person

But yeah i rather not say what my sun is as i dont feel it fits me. Also people have lynch mob mentality towards certain sun signs.

And they forget other factors such as charts, background of person, and level of emotional maturity

Astrology solves part of the puzzle in understanding how people are. But it is not the end all be all

I talked to a friend out of state and told him the situation. I tried to be fair with my portrayal with my roommate but he interrupted with an ephany

He told me "you said your roommate told you he is saving for a house to rent with her right? And you said he wouldn't fully move in with her in the current situation since her apartment is under her name.

He is not staying in the apartment to help you save money. Hes doing it because it fits his agenda. And he has control over that situation."

I never thought of it like that before, but what he is saying makes sense.

I just wish i can get a yes or no when it comes to if the irs will pay me my tax return

Its the only thing that is keeping me from telling him to piss off and walk out

I am definitely going to meet with red cross soon and see what kind of affordable shelters could help me.

Because once i get secure income, have irs resolved and a place to stay, im leaving that nightmare behind.

One thing im taking away from this is to make sure i dont turn into a narcissistic clingy douchebag if i get into another relationship. Good god, significant others can bring out the worst in human behavior

Your tying up too much energy in his bs. Come home WHEN YOU LIKE. I’d he is denying you access to your apartment for 12hr periods you need to start writing him checks for HALF the agreed upon rent. Only fair seeing as how your restricted to your rented space.

If he wants to continue the farce to soothe his lying ass ego, he can pay for it.

All his passive aggressive jabs about him being the lease holder and ‘helping’ you out by allowing you to stay there are simply a stack of cards. If he could afford the rent he wouldn’t have rented out the couch and chair to two other people.

Truth is you hold the power here. He needs you. Without you he can’t make the rent payments which means he gets evicted and loses his deposit AND is a red mark on his rental history forever.

Don’t be a pussy and give into his demands.

@ladyneptune-

Thank you for your advice and i really appreciate what you're saying

But unfortunately it is not that easy. He has a current caregiving assignment where he makes enough money where even if i leave, he could afford the apartment

But that is only because of the older roommate being there. If he wasn't there, then my friend would have problems

Im only taking his bs because i am waiting for a letter saying if i am approved for an irs refund

Which if i get, it would go a long ways in helping me build my moving budget

Once i get resolution to that, I can walk away.

But right now I'm forced to be in a toxic situation that i will have to make the best of for the moment.

Im pretty confident that when i leave i dont plan on talking to my friend again until he gets his head out of his butt

Believe it or not he was a decent person before he fell in love. He had flaws like everyone does me included. But he was a good friend

Or maybe he was just good at fooling me

Posted by slowdive80
@ladyneptune-



Thank you for your advice and i really appreciate what you're saying



But unfortunately it is not that easy. He has a current caregiving assignment where he makes enough money where even if i leave, he could afford the apartment



But that is only because of the older roommate being there. If he wasn't there, then my friend would have problems



Im only taking his bs because i am waiting for a letter saying if i am approved for an irs refund



Which if i get, it would go a long ways in helping me build my moving budget



Once i get resolution to that, I can walk away.



But right now I'm forced to be in a toxic situation that i will have to make the best of for the moment.



Im pretty confident that when i leave i dont plan on talking to my friend again until he gets his head out of his butt



Believe it or not he was a decent person before he fell in love. He had flaws like everyone does me included. But he was a good friend



Or maybe he was just good at fooling me

I guess you don't have money to rent hostels yourself? How about go to another friend's place for a few hours till he gets going?

Stop making excuses and thinking he is a good person. He isn't.

As of now, you sublet the apartment. Regardless of his lease, he is now your landlord and must abide by california landlord and renter laws. His acceptance of your money, for this amount of time, ensures that. He has no say in when you can and cannot come into your rented space. You are a month to month tenant and in order to remove you, he would have to file eviction on you in court.

I pay more rent for a bigger room, that's not doing anyone a favor, that is just what is fair regardless of I am home every night or not. He is doing you no favor, as he has a lease and in order for him to break the lease, he would have to pay their lease penalty. Which he can not afford to do, as his ability to pay is contingent on the older gentlemen living there. Which tells me, he more than likely doesn't have the means to break the lease.

He has an ego problem and you have essentially allowed him to perceive he has power over you a what happens to you. The fact that he asked you to stay at a shelter is so inconceivably grotesque, I can't believe he even had the audacity to ask that of you. He cares so little for your wellbeing that he would rather inconvenience a friend, then to own up to his lies. His relationship will fail because he is building it based off lies. He would rather show an illusion, then to be accepted for his flaws.

I have no idea why you allowed him to do all of this, without getting angry. Everything he has said this far, is all hot air and lies. Everything he said to you is bravado so that you curtail to his wishes. Stop doing that. You hold more cards than you think you do.

It seems like you got two issues at your hand 1) living situation 2) you’re kicking yourself for the down spiral of your friendship w the Pisces dude.

So you’re have to tough out the living situation and make him see reason when he pushes boundaries and tell him you’re planning on leaving ASAP so he gets a feeling there will be an end to this madness.

Although you’re not in the wrong it does seem like you need this temporary situation to work.

Regarding your friendship, it sucked that you trusted someone by living with them since he definitely doesn’t have your back whatsoever. Suggesting you sleep at a shelter etc ...

So the fact that you say you’re going to give him space until he gets his act together is crazy!! Do you think people just randomly change ?? When he gets his head out of his ass hell be a great friend again? Yeah ok until the next bad situation.

Why are you wearing rose colored glasses with this dude ? He’s a complete jackass and not a good friend.

You need to tell us your sub sign and we can tell you if it describes. Because your passivity and lack of anger at what an asshole this dude is is definitely not sag moon. I’m guessing you’re a water sign ?

The problem is everyone im friends with here has families. Or has a girlfriend who dont know me well enough for me to crash there.

And that is completely understandable

I make enough money from working consistently in temp work to pay my rent toiletries , and bills but not much else.

Im in a tough position right now. But that may change if i get this 3 month temp assignment

Which will allow me to start saving money to leave Santa Barbara. We'll see.

Keep your head up and this situation will pass but you need a strong game plan my friend to ensure you’re not in such a vulnerable situation. I know rent is expensive there. Have you thought about relocating to a much much cheaper but fast growing city where there’s lots of opportunities ? In Texas or in North Carolina ?

Wow, so many people to respond to.

@nikkistar - Thanks for taking the time to give me your opinion. It was very helpful and put things into perspective. But I feel I need to give more context to this situation, since I am not sure I am representing his character 100% accurately.

The only reason he asked about the possibility of me staying at a shelter is because I stayed at one before during the fires in Santa Barbara. At the time I was advised to go to one by a policeman since the area was under voluntary evacuation. And he thought the fires may come toward the apartment.

The shelter was at the ucsb buildings and it was a nice shelter. Our apartment was not affected by the fires since we were far enough away from the mountains.

But anyway, he thought it would be the same shelter at UCSB and I told him it was not. Once I explained it he understood and was cool about paying for a room for the night for me.

BTW forgot to mention we are not under a lease agreement. Our apartment is month to month, so he can leave without consequence. Again, it is stacked in his favor. But the thing is he wont live with his girlfriend until there is a place under both their names. He wont officially live with her currently as her apartment is under her name. So he would be living completely on her terms which he wouldnt do.

But what he can do is ask me to leave which would be the most likely scenario if things esculate. Now, if I wanted to be a jerk I could report him to the apartment manager for having me stay there for two years while not being named on the lease.

The problem though is it affects the other older roommate who's name is on the lease. And while the older guy is a manipulative, lying, selfish jerk, he doesnt deserve to be caught in the crossfire between me and my potential ex-friend.

Now what I wont have any hesistancy doing if he throws me out is telling his girlfriend the truth about his lies. But that is only if I run into her. I'm on the fence about doing that as I am a big believer in karma. And I dont want bad karma following me even though I am telling the truth.

@Stillstillwater- I dont want to sound generic and repetitive but thanks for your kind words and advice. My friend has been there for me in the past before hooking up with this woman. He's given me money to buy food when I had to put all my money in savings for rent and bills. And he never asked for me to pay it back.

He also has let me pay a reduced rent in the past when I was tight on money. And he always listened to me if i was having problems and needed advice. Again, this was the way it used to be before he got involved with this woman.

Before he turned into a selfish jerk, my friend was a good person but with a lot of flaws. I believe in giving people second chances as no one is perfect.

So if I cut off contact and he reestablishes it claiming to be remorseful then I will give him a second chance. But the minute any of his old behaviors come back he is cut off forever. Essentially, two strikes you're out.

I am moving out of Santa Barbara but I dont know where yet. I'm looking at Eugene, Oregon or a city in Montana as strong possibilities though. I just want to live in something mellow and peaceful at this point in my life.

I am orchestrating a game plan and will be in touch with Red Cross to find good paying shelters like the YMCA. If I have a job, a resolution to the irs refund and a place to go, the next time my roommate gets unreasonable I will walk out with my head held high and never look back.

@unusualvaginaldischarge - LOL I understand. But I try not to generalize a sun till I know what the moon is. My experiences with moon signs has been consistant good or bad. But I should have known better to move in with him since he is a Moon in Virgo. Me and virgo moons clash like crazy. They tend to be high strung and overbearing while I am more go with the flow/ But hey, I only knew he was a Virgo Mooner after I moved in.

But you live and learn and make sure to get someones complete chart before moving in with them LOL

Month to month tenancy still requires a 30 to 60 day notice to vacate. The number of days to do so can vary on the apartment.

Again, he still must notify the office and he will likely not do that ever until he finds and signs a lease with his gf. So again, he is full of it.

I don't care how you spin it, him asking you to go to a shelter when you pay rent is so selfish, its baffling to me that you keep finding ways to twist it to make it okay that he did. It's not. He lacks zero consideration for you.

Posted by slowdive80
Wow, so many people to respond to.



@nikkistar - Thanks for taking the time to give me your opinion. It was very helpful and put things into perspective. But I feel I need to give more context to this situation, since I am not sure I am representing his character 100% accurately.



The only reason he asked about the possibility of me staying at a shelter is because I stayed at one before during the fires in Santa Barbara. At the time I was advised to go to one by a policeman since the area was under voluntary evacuation. And he thought the fires may come toward the apartment.



The shelter was at the ucsb buildings and it was a nice shelter. Our apartment was not affected by the fires since we were far enough away from the mountains.



But anyway, he thought it would be the same shelter at UCSB and I told him it was not. Once I explained it he understood and was cool about paying for a room for the night for me.



BTW forgot to mention we are not under a lease agreement. Our apartment is month to month, so he can leave without consequence. Again, it is stacked in his favor. But the thing is he wont live with his girlfriend until there is a place under both their names. He wont officially live with her currently as her apartment is under her name. So he would be living completely on her terms which he wouldnt do.



But what he can do is ask me to leave which would be the most likely scenario if things esculate. Now, if I wanted to be a jerk I could report him to the apartment manager for having me stay there for two years while not being named on the lease.



The problem though is it affects the other older roommate who's name is on the lease. And while the older guy is a manipulative, lying, selfish jerk, he doesnt deserve to be caught in the crossfire between me and my potential ex-friend.



Now what I wont have any hesistancy doing if he throws me out is telling his girlfriend the truth about his lies. But that is only if I run into her. I'm on the fence about doing that as I am a big believer in karma. And I dont want bad karma following me even though I am telling the truth.



@Stillstillwater- I dont want to sound generic and repetitive but thanks for your kind words and advice. My friend has been there for me in the past before hooking up with this woman. He's given me money to buy food when I had to put all my money in savings for rent and bills. And he never asked for me to pay it back.



He also has let me pay a reduced rent in the past when I was tight on money. And he always listened to me if i was having problems and needed advice. Again, this was the way it used to be before he got involved with this woman.



Before he turned into a selfish jerk, my friend was a good person but with a lot of flaws. I believe in giving people second chances as no one is perfect.



So if I cut off contact and he reestablishes it claiming to be remorseful then I will give him a second chance. But the minute any of his old behaviors come back he is cut off forever. Essentially, two strikes you're out.



I am moving out of Santa Barbara but I dont know where yet. I'm looking at Eugene, Oregon or a city in Montana as strong possibilities though. I just want to live in something mellow and peaceful at this point in my life.



I am orchestrating a game plan and will be in touch with Red Cross to find good paying shelters like the YMCA. If I have a job, a resolution to the irs refund and a place to go, the next time my roommate gets unreasonable I will walk out with my head held high and never look back.



@unusualvaginaldischarge - LOL I understand. But I try not to generalize a sun till I know what the moon is. My experiences with moon signs has been consistant good or bad. But I should have known better to move in with him since he is a Moon in Virgo. Me and virgo moons clash like crazy. They tend to be high strung and overbearing while I am more go with the flow/ But hey, I only knew he was a Virgo Mooner after I moved in.

But you live and learn and make sure to get someones complete chart before moving in with them LOL

Well if you say he’s been there for you other than the recent situation why would you even be thinking about getting even by reporting him to the building manager ? To me that’s waste of energy and bad karma and he doesn’t deserve it since he’s been there for you in other ways.

I think his character shows more clearly now that you explained he actually doesn’t need your rent and was just helping you out but at the same time just because you’re helping somebody doesn’t mean to mistreat them. I guess he thinks if it that the situation you got with him is better than being in a shelter. And I think you agree since you’re laid back about the situation. And I’ll agree too.

But once again what’s your sun sign ? We won’t judge. Well I don’t make promises for these dxp trolls but I won’t lol.

Posted by slowdive80
@ladyneptune-



Thank you for your advice and i really appreciate what you're saying



But unfortunately it is not that easy. He has a current caregiving assignment where he makes enough money where even if i leave, he could afford the apartment



But that is only because of the older roommate being there. If he wasn't there, then my friend would have problems



Im only taking his bs because i am waiting for a letter saying if i am approved for an irs refund



Which if i get, it would go a long ways in helping me build my moving budget



Once i get resolution to that, I can walk away.



But right now I'm forced to be in a toxic situation that i will have to make the best of for the moment.



Im pretty confident that when i leave i dont plan on talking to my friend again until he gets his head out of his butt



Believe it or not he was a decent person before he fell in love. He had flaws like everyone does me included. But he was a good friend



Or maybe he was just good at fooling me

How can you talk about a future friendship while he’s currently driving the knife into your back. I don’t get this.

@Nikkistar -

I dont disagree with what you are saying. I'm just saying he would have never suggested it had I not stayed at a shelter before during a disaster event And he thought a shelter would be the same one I went before which it would not be. Cause he thought if it was the disaster shelter I stayed at before, I would be safe and ok.

He apologized after I clarified it for him, telling me it was not right to expect me to stay in a regular shelter which is not safe. As opposed to the one that was more safe. After that he happily gave me the money to stay at a hostel room.

@stillstillwater - What I mentioned was a rash thought in the moment of anger. The difference being I am not going to act on it. As you said it is bad karma and I dont want that following me around at all.

Even though he has helped me before, I have been there for him just as much. When I was making good money working for a health care company, his car broke down he had to buy a new one. I volunteered to loan 600 additional dollars i needed. He was very wary and refused at first But I explained to him it would not be held over his head and he would not have to pay me back since I was making a lot of money at that point. Once he heard that he accepted. And I never held it over his head which months later he thanked me for.

I'm also the only person that has been there for him when he had to go to the hospital two different times in a year. Because he passed out at work due to not getting enough rest staying up till 3 am reading the bible. And also not eating anything the night before or during. I stayed home two times taking care of him giving him meds, buying food and keeping an eye on him.

Also during one of his hospital situations, his best friend was in town. He was at church helping set up service and assisting other things since he is going to seminary school to be a priest. He never bothered to go see him at the hospital or go see him at home until very late in the evening delivering food. If you have a friend you truly care about, some things have to be put immediately on the backburner. But my friend didnt account his best friend for doing that.

Whereas on one of the other days he had his health issues, it happened on the same day which was a 4 year anniversary of my father's passing. The last thing I want to do is be around people as it is a rough day and want to be by myself. And going to the hospital is the last place I want to be considering my dad died in one.

But yet, I put all my bs aside because my friend needed me. Put stuff on the backburner.

So I dont think anyone can blame me for thinking petty thoughts if my friend threw me out because I am no longer able to support his deception from his girlfriend. That's pretty ruthless to throw your friend under the bus for a woman. But as I mentioned previously I would never act on those thoughts.

@Ladyneptune - All this a-hole behavior from him has only been happening since he started dating this woman. He's been in relationships before,but not in love with the person. This is the first time he has ever fallen in love. As you know, when a person falls in love for the first time, they can do stupid rash things. And sometimes when people have a long time of distance from each other, they can realize the behavior they committed with that person was out of line. With this situation being the lone exception, he has always apologized to me when he was out of line. But if he shows no lack of remorse and chooses not to come to me to make amends after a good period of time, then his a-- is nexted forever.

Posted by slowdive80
@Nikkistar -



I dont disagree with what you are saying. I'm just saying he would have never suggested it had I not stayed at a shelter before during a disaster event And he thought a shelter would be the same one I went before which it would not be. Cause he thought if it was the disaster shelter I stayed at before, I would be safe and ok.



He apologized after I clarified it for him, telling me it was not right to expect me to stay in a regular shelter which is not safe. As opposed to the one that was more safe. After that he happily gave me the money to stay at a hostel room.



@stillstillwater - What I mentioned was a rash thought in the moment of anger. The difference being I am not going to act on it. As you said it is bad karma and I dont want that following me around at all.



Even though he has helped me before, I have been there for him just as much. When I was making good money working for a health care company, his car broke down he had to buy a new one. I volunteered to loan 600 additional dollars i needed. He was very wary and refused at first But I explained to him it would not be held over his head and he would not have to pay me back since I was making a lot of money at that point. Once he heard that he accepted. And I never held it over his head which months later he thanked me for.



I'm also the only person that has been there for him when he had to go to the hospital two different times in a year. Because he passed out at work due to not getting enough rest staying up till 3 am reading the bible. And also not eating anything the night before or during. I stayed home two times taking care of him giving him meds, buying food and keeping an eye on him.



Also during one of his hospital situations, his best friend was in town. He was at church helping set up service and assisting other things since he is going to seminary school to be a priest. He never bothered to go see him at the hospital or go see him at home until very late in the evening delivering food. If you have a friend you truly care about, some things have to be put immediately on the backburner. But my friend didnt account his best friend for doing that.



Whereas on one of the other days he had his health issues, it happened on the same day which was a 4 year anniversary of my father's passing. The last thing I want to do is be around people as it is a rough day and want to be by myself. And going to the hospital is the last place I want to be considering my dad died in one.



But yet, I put all my bs aside because my friend needed me. Put stuff on the backburner.



So I dont think anyone can blame me for thinking petty thoughts if my friend threw me out because I am no longer able to support his deception from his girlfriend. That's pretty ruthless to throw your friend under the bus for a woman. But as I mentioned previously I would never act on those thoughts.



@Ladyneptune - All this a-hole behavior from him has only been happening since he started dating this woman. He's been in relationships before,but not in love with the person. This is the first time he has ever fallen in love. As you know, when a person falls in love for the first time, they can do stupid rash things. And sometimes when people have a long time of distance from each other, they can realize the behavior they committed with that person was out of line. With this situation being the lone exception, he has always apologized to me when he was out of line. But if he shows no lack of remorse and chooses not to come to me to make amends after a good period of time, then his a-- is nexted forever.

So what’s your sun sign?

Posted by Timon

Posted by stillstillwater

Posted by slowdive80
@Nikkistar -



I dont disagree with what you are saying. I'm just saying he would have never suggested it had I not stayed at a shelter before during a disaster event And he thought a shelter would be the same one I went before which it would not be. Cause he thought if it was the disaster shelter I stayed at before, I would be safe and ok.



He apologized after I clarified it for him, telling me it was not right to expect me to stay in a regular shelter which is not safe. As opposed to the one that was more safe. After that he happily gave me the money to stay at a hostel room.



@stillstillwater - What I mentioned was a rash thought in the moment of anger. The difference being I am not going to act on it. As you said it is bad karma and I dont want that following me around at all.



Even though he has helped me before, I have been there for him just as much. When I was making good money working for a health care company, his car broke down he had to buy a new one. I volunteered to loan 600 additional dollars i needed. He was very wary and refused at first But I explained to him it would not be held over his head and he would not have to pay me back since I was making a lot of money at that point. Once he heard that he accepted. And I never held it over his head which months later he thanked me for.



I'm also the only person that has been there for him when he had to go to the hospital two different times in a year. Because he passed out at work due to not getting enough rest staying up till 3 am reading the bible. And also not eating anything the night before or during. I stayed home two times taking care of him giving him meds, buying food and keeping an eye on him.



Also during one of his hospital situations, his best friend was in town. He was at church helping set up service and assisting other things since he is going to seminary school to be a priest. He never bothered to go see him at the hospital or go see him at home until very late in the evening delivering food. If you have a friend you truly care about, some things have to be put immediately on the backburner. But my friend didnt account his best friend for doing that.



Whereas on one of the other days he had his health issues, it happened on the same day which was a 4 year anniversary of my father's passing. The last thing I want to do is be around people as it is a rough day and want to be by myself. And going to the hospital is the last place I want to be considering my dad died in one.



But yet, I put all my bs aside because my friend needed me. Put stuff on the backburner.



So I dont think anyone can blame me for thinking petty thoughts if my friend threw me out because I am no longer able to support his deception from his girlfriend. That's pretty ruthless to throw your friend under the bus for a woman. But as I mentioned previously I would never act on those thoughts.



@Ladyneptune - All this a-hole behavior from him has only been happening since he started dating this woman. He's been in relationships before,but not in love with the person. This is the first time he has ever fallen in love. As you know, when a person falls in love for the first time, they can do stupid rash things. And sometimes when people have a long time of distance from each other, they can realize the behavior they committed with that person was out of line. With this situation being the lone exception, he has always apologized to me when he was out of line. But if he shows no lack of remorse and chooses not to come to me to make amends after a good period of time, then his a-- is nexted forever.

So what’s your sun sign? click to expand

He said earlier he rather not say. click to expand

click to expand

What are you ... his lawyer ?

And I’m asking again.

Posted by Timon

Posted by stillstillwater

Posted by Timon

Posted by stillstillwater

Posted by slowdive80
@Nikkistar -



I dont disagree with what you are saying. I'm just saying he would have never suggested it had I not stayed at a shelter before during a disaster event And he thought a shelter would be the same one I went before which it would not be. Cause he thought if it was the disaster shelter I stayed at before, I would be safe and ok.



He apologized after I clarified it for him, telling me it was not right to expect me to stay in a regular shelter which is not safe. As opposed to the one that was more safe. After that he happily gave me the money to stay at a hostel room.



@stillstillwater - What I mentioned was a rash thought in the moment of anger. The difference being I am not going to act on it. As you said it is bad karma and I dont want that following me around at all.



Even though he has helped me before, I have been there for him just as much. When I was making good money working for a health care company, his car broke down he had to buy a new one. I volunteered to loan 600 additional dollars i needed. He was very wary and refused at first But I explained to him it would not be held over his head and he would not have to pay me back since I was making a lot of money at that point. Once he heard that he accepted. And I never held it over his head which months later he thanked me for.



I'm also the only person that has been there for him when he had to go to the hospital two different times in a year. Because he passed out at work due to not getting enough rest staying up till 3 am reading the bible. And also not eating anything the night before or during. I stayed home two times taking care of him giving him meds, buying food and keeping an eye on him.



Also during one of his hospital situations, his best friend was in town. He was at church helping set up service and assisting other things since he is going to seminary school to be a priest. He never bothered to go see him at the hospital or go see him at home until very late in the evening delivering food. If you have a friend you truly care about, some things have to be put immediately on the backburner. But my friend didnt account his best friend for doing that.



Whereas on one of the other days he had his health issues, it happened on the same day which was a 4 year anniversary of my father's passing. The last thing I want to do is be around people as it is a rough day and want to be by myself. And going to the hospital is the last place I want to be considering my dad died in one.



But yet, I put all my bs aside because my friend needed me. Put stuff on the backburner.



So I dont think anyone can blame me for thinking petty thoughts if my friend threw me out because I am no longer able to support his deception from his girlfriend. That's pretty ruthless to throw your friend under the bus for a woman. But as I mentioned previously I would never act on those thoughts.



@Ladyneptune - All this a-hole behavior from him has only been happening since he started dating this woman. He's been in relationships before,but not in love with the person. This is the first time he has ever fallen in love. As you know, when a person falls in love for the first time, they can do stupid rash things. And sometimes when people have a long time of distance from each other, they can realize the behavior they committed with that person was out of line. With this situation being the lone exception, he has always apologized to me when he was out of line. But if he shows no lack of remorse and chooses not to come to me to make amends after a good period of time, then his a-- is nexted forever.

So what’s your sun sign? click to expand

He said earlier he rather not say. click to expand

What are you ... his lawyer ?

And I’m asking again. click to expand

I thought you missed the part where he said that, that's why I replied but carry on. click to expand

click to expand

I’ve never heard of sun sign bias so wondering how bad could it be that he feels judged for that sign

@stillstillwater - No, just no. The shame runs deep. People with my sun sign are a complete disgrace to the human race

There's just no way around it. Its like i am white and have the unfortunate luck to share the same skin color as white nationalists and Trumpbots.

All I can say is im so very sorry and that i hate white people too 😝

Same thing goes for my sun sign. If only i was born a sun in sag. They can be scoundrels but lovable ones

You need a better gameplan and you need to get out of that house asap, that is not a true friend. He is NOT your friend.

2 years in this leaving situation is a long time.

I think your roommate is embarrassed about living with 2 guys because he's over it and is using the girlfriend situation as a out to get you to move on and find a new place.

you're not on the lease, the older man is. from what you wrote it seems he is not mentally or physically able to live on his own, while you are young and healthy. perhaps it's time to go independent and find a new living situation.

your friend helped you out in the past and maybe doesn't want to outright ask you to leave and is hoping you get the hint cause water sign.

this doesn't have to ruin your friendship. true, your friend could be more forthcoming with his wishes and not try to guilt you into leaving.

you can be mad over that or you could be thankful for the things he has done and recognize that life is changing and you need to as well.

Posted by slowdive80
@stillstillwater - No, just no. The shame runs deep. People with my sun sign are a complete disgrace to the human race



There's just no way around it. Its like i am white and have the unfortunate luck to share the same skin color as white nationalists and Trumpbots.



All I can say is im so very sorry and that i hate white people too 😝



Same thing goes for my sun sign. If only i was born a sun in sag. They can be scoundrels but lovable ones

Self loathing of your own sun sign? Maybe you got pulled into here for a reason... for some much needed self healing.

Most people here stand tall and proud of their sun signs but have issues with their moon such as myself. You’re the opposite but regardless acceptance is the first step.

Posted by Timon

Posted by stillstillwater

Posted by Timon

Posted by stillstillwater

Posted by Timon

Posted by stillstillwater

Posted by slowdive80
@Nikkistar -



I dont disagree with what you are saying. I'm just saying he would have never suggested it had I not stayed at a shelter before during a disaster event And he thought a shelter would be the same one I went before which it would not be. Cause he thought if it was the disaster shelter I stayed at before, I would be safe and ok.



He apologized after I clarified it for him, telling me it was not right to expect me to stay in a regular shelter which is not safe. As opposed to the one that was more safe. After that he happily gave me the money to stay at a hostel room.



@stillstillwater - What I mentioned was a rash thought in the moment of anger. The difference being I am not going to act on it. As you said it is bad karma and I dont want that following me around at all.



Even though he has helped me before, I have been there for him just as much. When I was making good money working for a health care company, his car broke down he had to buy a new one. I volunteered to loan 600 additional dollars i needed. He was very wary and refused at first But I explained to him it would not be held over his head and he would not have to pay me back since I was making a lot of money at that point. Once he heard that he accepted. And I never held it over his head which months later he thanked me for.



I'm also the only person that has been there for him when he had to go to the hospital two different times in a year. Because he passed out at work due to not getting enough rest staying up till 3 am reading the bible. And also not eating anything the night before or during. I stayed home two times taking care of him giving him meds, buying food and keeping an eye on him.



Also during one of his hospital situations, his best friend was in town. He was at church helping set up service and assisting other things since he is going to seminary school to be a priest. He never bothered to go see him at the hospital or go see him at home until very late in the evening delivering food. If you have a friend you truly care about, some things have to be put immediately on the backburner. But my friend didnt account his best friend for doing that.



Whereas on one of the other days he had his health issues, it happened on the same day which was a 4 year anniversary of my father's passing. The last thing I want to do is be around people as it is a rough day and want to be by myself. And going to the hospital is the last place I want to be considering my dad died in one.



But yet, I put all my bs aside because my friend needed me. Put stuff on the backburner.



So I dont think anyone can blame me for thinking petty thoughts if my friend threw me out because I am no longer able to support his deception from his girlfriend. That's pretty ruthless to throw your friend under the bus for a woman. But as I mentioned previously I would never act on those thoughts.



@Ladyneptune - All this a-hole behavior from him has only been happening since he started dating this woman. He's been in relationships before,but not in love with the person. This is the first time he has ever fallen in love. As you know, when a person falls in love for the first time, they can do stupid rash things. And sometimes when people have a long time of distance from each other, they can realize the behavior they committed with that person was out of line. With this situation being the lone exception, he has always apologized to me when he was out of line. But if he shows no lack of remorse and chooses not to come to me to make amends after a good period of time, then his a-- is nexted forever.

So what’s your sun sign? click to expand

He said earlier he rather not say. click to expand

What are you ... his lawyer ?

And I’m asking again. click to expand

I thought you missed the part where he said that, that's why I replied but carry on. click to expand

I’ve never heard of sun sign bias so wondering how bad could it be that he feels judged for that sign click to expand

I'm guessing libra. click to expand

click to expand

Libras are cool though. Can’t imagine the world without them. But there are couple signs we could do without .... 🤐

@Shellshocker -

I understand what you are saying, and normally that would make sense except for one thing. I know I wrote a War and Peace epic level and my sympathies btw for you having to filter through my long-winded rambling.

It's easy to miss, but I mentioned the face I told my roommate last year I was leaving the apartment round late summer to september of this year about a month before he met his girlfriend.

So there is no need for him to passive aggressively push me out. The older roommate is all the fire I need to keep me motivated to get out of the apartment. He is the most selfish, backstabbing person I've ever met. I cant stand to be around the guy and neither can my potential soon to be ex friend.

If my friend really didnt trust that I would keep my word and was doing some bs manipulative behavior such as bringing his girlfriend over more frequently to push me to leave, I would lose it completely.

Trust me I want to be out of there too. Two years of dealing with my friends demons and my older roommates douchebag behavior has me scraping for a miracle.

I'm avoiding my friend like the plague now. I dont want to see him as I am not sure I can fake like nothing is wrong for more than a couple of minutes. His selfishness knows no bounds.

He told me via text last night he had his girlfriend over an hour before I come back at my usual time of 10 pm. That is totally fine as I have a coffeeshop to hang out in.

Then twenty minutes later he said he would be leaving in 10 minutes with her. My gut immediately told me something was up. So I decided to walk over to the grocery store up the street to do much needed shopping.



I literally kill time in the store for 30 minutes after getting what I need before check out. Cause again I just had this feeling. After the 30 minutes passed I checked out and walked home.

When I get to my apartment her car is gone. I walk in and the other roommate greets me saying he just saw my friend and his girlfriend leave 5 minutes before I arrived.

So it turns out my feeling not to trust him when he said 10 minutes was right. I was just fuming since he put me in the position of almost coming home too soon with his girlfriend there. And I know he would turn it around on me saying its my fault as I should have waited for a text from him saying he left.

When he never sent a text at all saying he is gone. I had to guess. Unbelievable. I had important errands to run today but tommorow I am back on working on my escape plan.

I am bound and determined to be out early in the morning every day before he comes home. I have no desire to have any interaction with him beyond texts saying im gone.

I literally have to give him a heads up any time I need to just drop something off and leave in the early afternoon on a weekday. Because there is a small chance he might be having her over. I've never seen such intense obsession and clinginess in my life.

They dont have a life outside of each other. Its not healthy what so ever as however much you may fall in love in with someone, spending too much time together and not having space or hanging with friends can burn the relationship out.

I've never been like that with someone I've fallen hard for. Maybe it's my sag moon and I am just a independent person due to it

I am wired completely different from my friend. He is minorly possessive and can get jealous. Which I am the complete opposite. i used to hate my sag moon and mars as i felt it was partly to blame for my ADD.

But it is almost having worth having those placements as when I am dating someone I do not have jealousy issues and am very supportive of the girl I am dating to have space and her own life outside of us

I dont think I could ever be in a relationship with someone that has both a water sun and a earth moon. That's too much drama for me. I can deal with a water moon and earth moon provided the person has the exact opposite in their sun. Because that tends to balance things out.

@stillstillwater - I'll never like my sun. Too many a-holes in that group. I'm a jerk but not an a-hole.

Here's a little update - Finally got a new job. Just waiting for my background check to clear. Got another notice from the IRS saying it will take another 60 days to make a determination on my tax return resubmission. Urgh.

Distance does really make the heart grow less of a desire to knock someone the f--k out. Today marks 7 days since I've been in the same apartment as my roommate. Getting up early and being gone the whole day really helps me avoid him. Still have to send him texts saying I left so I dont get the standard "are you gone?" or my personal favorite "you're not there are you?"

I've been researching as many new places to move as I can. Eugene, Oregon looked promising, but I keep reading on the forums about crime starting to go up in direct relationship to drugs. So I'm on the fence about that one

Looked at Bend in Oregon, but that is a huge destination since getting an apartment there can be a pain in the a--

I was looking at Montana, but the job market there concerns me. Only other option is San Luis Obispo but I have to look at what would be able living-wise.

I like California but I am so tired of living beyond my means with nothing but more opportunities to exploited by other people in living situations. I am going to miss Santa Barbara but I sense this place is changing fast

Downtown here has always been sketchy in the night-time. But we never had a robbery along with a rape in a store. And now they're putting a Target in my living area which will not only increase traffic, but draw all the homeless people downtown to there for panhandling.

I have no issue with the homeless people here normally, but we are starting to get more of them from out of town places likes LA. And that is not good because even when you say no,they will try to rob you. As I mentioned before I had the unpleasant luck of living in LA for 2 1/2 years so I am saying this from experience.

If I had a car and a good enough paying gig I would try to live in Hope Ranch, Santa Ynez or Buellton

But that's not going to happen and I'd rather be far away to avoid running into my roommate which would happen if I stayed in SB

I've had crazy thoughts about moving to Las Vegas. I've never had my stupid period that others had in their 20's. I'm not looking for a serious relationship in my life. I'm not against it happening if an opportunity falls in my lap, but not seeking that either. And Vegas is perfect if you just want flings. But the other side of it is that place has such a dark vibe like LA along with bad crime, so I am not sure acting like peter pan in the dating scene would be worth the price.

Ive got 3 months to figure stuff out. 4 months if you include Mercury in Retrograde happening in late July which will probably delay everything till mid-september Just cant wait to be free from my immature roommate friend and the slimeball older one.

I aint gonna lie, I would find it ironic or poetic justice if things fall apart for my roommate and his girlfriend just as I am leaving. I really am getting this feeling though that regardless I think this relationship with her will implode at some point. But it will be his fault due to the trust issues he struggles with and his temper. He thinks consulting the bible will help him fix himself if he makes major mistakes on a personal level.

I hope one day he figures out he is broken and needs help more than the bible.

Hey Dianna, I finally a reply from the IRS and they said even though I submitted a 2017 w-2 by accident, that I still had to pay it. Going to H& R block this weekend to see what they can do next.

If they tell me nothing, going to call IRS and nicely say they will be waiting a long time since im going to be moving soon.

I'm really getting fed up with him. Every time I cool down he'll say some ignorant thing in text. His girlfriend is going to Florida in june for a short vacation. I hope it happens during a weekday as he and I both work and I have a legitimate excuse in not hanging out with him.

He is so caught up in his relationship that he doesnt notice I am pulling away. I am so ready to be free of him and our creepy older roommate.

I am going to send him an email after I leave and get settled telling him how out of line he was. It will take time and distance but I think he will eventually see that as he has taken accountability for his actions in the past.

But the friendship wont be the same regardless. Which stinks but he has his insecurities to blame for it.

I'm really up in the air on where to move to. Part of me wants a quiet city, but then the other part wants to be able to casually date. Quiet cities dont necessarily have that. I am just not in the zone for wanting a relationship. As I need to work on getting myself really financially stable as well as getting therapy.

But all the casual friendly women tend to be in places like Florida or Vegas and I'm not comfortable with the lack of safety in those areas.

I dont know, its down between inner peace or satisfying hormones.