Undine
@Undine
13 Years5,000+ Posts
Comments: 1553 · Posts: 8895 · Topics: 11
Clinging after sex? (Page 2)
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Posted by Undine
Thanks for your insight, TaurusLovesScorpio.
I wish it were true, a magic love hormone to make me fall in love (and attached at the hip) with anyone I had sex with. It would eliminate heartbreak, which is almost always caused by the anxiety that you will never meet someone to make you fall in love just like your ex did. It will justify arranged marriages and hunting a husband with a list in your hand, ticking boxes......you know, love will certainly follow once you have sex 😉.
Undine - I gather that you aren't' being too literal here, but I don't think anyone is arguing that it is magic; the research on oxytocin helps us to understand that there is a potent biochemical substrate to some psychological aspects of attachment, specifically triggered by elements of human relations traditionally regarded as reserved for deeper levels of trust and even commitment. Obviously it is one of many factors that go into the chemistry between two people, and really its usually one of the later stages of the chemistry of attachment and bonding, whether you're getting married or doing an FWB. Even with an FWB there's already some level of trust and attraction present prior to enjoying the "benefits". Like many psychologists, I think its wise to understand that on a biochemical level, these hormones *can* affect our thinking, causing unforeseen consequences of attachment and/or withdrawal in some, regardless of our initial conscious intent. Apparently its not the case with all women.
In your case though, perhaps its one factor among many, at the root of why you had such a particularly strong attachment to your ex. And maybe you are still chasing that initial high with your FWB's - trying to fill the void. Maybe it isn't working for you, because of how *strong* more robust romantic bonds can be, and how difficult it is to simulate them with your more detached approach of meeting your sexual needs with a bond of less intense chemistry. Just speculating here 😉.
Posted by UndinePosted by shellshocker
I wasn't really addressing this thread on attachment via sex Undine, it was just one of the many, many threads featuring your unrelenting approbation of slagdom. I just commented here.
c">
... if you sustain that you never tried FWB and always cling BEFORE sex 🙂?
Expert advice from Shocks, anyone 🙂?click to expand
when did I ever say that?
uh oh, looks like you're going to start making things up again...
Posted by shellshockerPosted by UndinePosted by shellshocker
I wasn't really addressing this thread on attachment via sex Undine, it was just one of the many, many threads featuring your unrelenting approbation of slagdom. I just commented here.
c">
... if you sustain that you never tried FWB and always cling BEFORE sex 🙂?
Expert advice from Shocks, anyone 🙂?
when did I ever say that?
uh oh, looks like you're going to start making things up again...click to expand
At least I'm honest about my experiences. If you came here bashing others while keeping quiet about the fact you did the same, then you are not (honest).
Posted by TaurusLovesScorpioPosted by Undine
Thanks for your insight, TaurusLovesScorpio.
.
Undine - I gather that you aren't' being too literal here, but I don't think anyone is arguing that it is magic; the research on oxytocin helps us to understand that there is a potent biochemical substrate to some psychological aspects of attachment, specifically triggered by elements of human relations traditionally regarded as reserved for deeper levels of trust and even commitment. Obviously it is one of many factors that go into the chemistry between two people, and really its usually one of the later stages of the chemistry of attachment and bonding, whether you're getting married or doing an FWB. Even with an FWB there's already some level of trust and attraction present prior to enjoying the "benefits". Like many psychologists, I think its wise to understand that on a biochemical level, these hormones *can* affect our thinking, causing unforeseen consequences of attachment and/or withdrawal in some, regardless of our initial conscious intent. Apparently its not the case with all women.
In your case though, perhaps its one factor among many, at the root of why you had such a particularly strong attachment to your ex. And maybe you are still chasing that initial high with your FWB's - trying to fill the void. Maybe it isn't working for you, because of how *strong* more robust romantic bonds can be, and how difficult it is to simulate them with your more detached approach of meeting your sexual needs with a bond of less intense chemistry. Just speculating here 😉.
click to expand
I appreciate what you say, it's always good to find someone who knows what she's talking about. I only tried FWB immediately after my long term relationship ended, and maybe the reason I did not fall in love was that I was not emotionally available at that time.
Why I don't associate love with sex: I can fall in love with someone I like and think intensively about, even before I have sex. He needs to give me his attention in return for that to happen. It's a different kind of energy exchange than during sex, yet it may trigger the oxytocin rush you mentioned, who knows. Without sex.
Continued...
I never feel the need to fantasise about someone I love when using a sex toy on my own. I rather think I'm having sex with an alien. Love is distracting. Besides, I've been told I'm good at sex and I think I am, except when I've just fallen in love. Then I mainly want to kiss and cuddle, and (my own) sexual satisfaction becomes irrelevant. Not sure where does the oxytocin rush fit into that.
I never feel the need to fantasise about someone I love when using a sex toy on my own. I rather think I'm having sex with an alien. Love is distracting. Besides, I've been told I'm good at sex and I think I am, except when I've just fallen in love. Then I mainly want to kiss and cuddle, and (my own) sexual satisfaction becomes irrelevant. Not sure where does the oxytocin rush fit into that.
Posted by starlover
Sadly, the FWB/casual sex can be borne out of hurt, trying to get over someone 😢
Some of us choose to spend time alone and heal, others just try to fill the *hole* in other ways
Quite sad 😢
Response:
True. But you can only compare these ways (to heal) when you experience them both. Till then, you can't really say which one is better for you. No one wants to jump from the frying pan into the fire, unless they like the heat 😉. Not all FWB are the same, which makes things even more complicated.
Posted by SupremeQueenPosted by KD1TheeLeo
I know I'm good not the best but why is it after sex women seem to cling, call constantly, and be around ALL the time like we just sealed the deal and I'm so honest before we go any further I always say I'm not looking for relationship, but we can be friends.
If you really want sex with no strings attached boo you need to just go find you a prostitute and pay for you services both of you will walk away happy. Smdhclick to expand
Is that really you in your avi?
You yourself are now being more honest, Undine. All your promoting of FWB without revealing why you had them.
Being emotionally unavailable and having unattached sex for pleasure to move forward are steps in a process. That's different then advocating FWB as something women, especially YOUNG women to get into.
Entering a relationship, to later find out you were only viewed as a FWB when you believed it was the real deal is painful and heartbreaking. I'm sorry that happened to you but that is the resulted that many women get/feel when they enter a fwb and things don't turn out the way they want. This Leo is damaging these girls. These girls he's with are prostituting themselves trying to find love. Maybe he cares, maybe he doesn't but he should be aware.
FWB is not going to get these women love and if it's free sex then call it that. Mature people may be able to handle free sex but unfortunately most people aren't mature and the after effects are usually messy.
For me personally, I attach before sex.
I tried a FWB after my separation. Honestly, the guy wanted to do me so bad my Pisces Ascendant had to give up a mercy fuck 😄 (turned him out and ruined him for life) but BEFORE I made it clear there were no feelings, that I was going thru a divorce and was in love with another guy but he had a girlfriend. He was ok with it but after said he was in love and would take what he could get. I cut it off because he attached, not me... so my advice to the OP is to stop messing with girls who don't know what they want or are using sex to get a relationship. It's not right because it takes two.
And @rockyroad who said she kept a guy around just for sex. That's not nice
Being emotionally unavailable and having unattached sex for pleasure to move forward are steps in a process. That's different then advocating FWB as something women, especially YOUNG women to get into.
Entering a relationship, to later find out you were only viewed as a FWB when you believed it was the real deal is painful and heartbreaking. I'm sorry that happened to you but that is the resulted that many women get/feel when they enter a fwb and things don't turn out the way they want. This Leo is damaging these girls. These girls he's with are prostituting themselves trying to find love. Maybe he cares, maybe he doesn't but he should be aware.
FWB is not going to get these women love and if it's free sex then call it that. Mature people may be able to handle free sex but unfortunately most people aren't mature and the after effects are usually messy.
For me personally, I attach before sex.
I tried a FWB after my separation. Honestly, the guy wanted to do me so bad my Pisces Ascendant had to give up a mercy fuck 😄 (turned him out and ruined him for life) but BEFORE I made it clear there were no feelings, that I was going thru a divorce and was in love with another guy but he had a girlfriend. He was ok with it but after said he was in love and would take what he could get. I cut it off because he attached, not me... so my advice to the OP is to stop messing with girls who don't know what they want or are using sex to get a relationship. It's not right because it takes two.
And @rockyroad who said she kept a guy around just for sex. That's not nice
Undine -
I'm a dude btw. I think there are dimensions to love and attraction that we don't fully understand and that go beyond the physical - connections that are energetic/spiritual/psychic - and perhaps that's what you've experienced. Believe it or not, these kinds of connections in attraction and attachment have been studied scientifically, with very interesting results. I have had a very similar experience over the past year. Unfortunately I developed this kind of connection with a person, while I was with someone else I was in love with. The connection was instant, overwhelming, euphoric, obsessive - deeper and more powerful than anything I've ever felt in my life. I won't cheat so I ignored it, and I have died inside because of it. I am haunted by her with everything I do, constantly in dreams. I even had a dream about her last night (the only dreams I remember are of her) and I am miserable today bc of it. However, I do not think of her sexually, or lustfully. At most I just want to talk to her, hold her, etc. Sex is nothing compared to what I feel for this person. I share all that to say, firstly, isn't life awesome? LOL. Secondly, the pain of that kind of irreplaceable transcendent love - you are not the only one that carries it. I hold almost no hope at this point of it being resolved in this life, but I do hope that there is an answer beyond it. I am still with the other woman I love, and I've just accepted the fact that there are different kinds of love we experience. I enjoy being with my current love. It is not obsessively passionate or magnetic like the other, but it is warm, comforting, stable, etc. Some types of love can take you to the highest heights, and then dash you against the rocks in the deepest caverns. Some are less intense but more steady. In the end, I would prefer a love that lasts, especially when it comes to raising children.
I'm a dude btw. I think there are dimensions to love and attraction that we don't fully understand and that go beyond the physical - connections that are energetic/spiritual/psychic - and perhaps that's what you've experienced. Believe it or not, these kinds of connections in attraction and attachment have been studied scientifically, with very interesting results. I have had a very similar experience over the past year. Unfortunately I developed this kind of connection with a person, while I was with someone else I was in love with. The connection was instant, overwhelming, euphoric, obsessive - deeper and more powerful than anything I've ever felt in my life. I won't cheat so I ignored it, and I have died inside because of it. I am haunted by her with everything I do, constantly in dreams. I even had a dream about her last night (the only dreams I remember are of her) and I am miserable today bc of it. However, I do not think of her sexually, or lustfully. At most I just want to talk to her, hold her, etc. Sex is nothing compared to what I feel for this person. I share all that to say, firstly, isn't life awesome? LOL. Secondly, the pain of that kind of irreplaceable transcendent love - you are not the only one that carries it. I hold almost no hope at this point of it being resolved in this life, but I do hope that there is an answer beyond it. I am still with the other woman I love, and I've just accepted the fact that there are different kinds of love we experience. I enjoy being with my current love. It is not obsessively passionate or magnetic like the other, but it is warm, comforting, stable, etc. Some types of love can take you to the highest heights, and then dash you against the rocks in the deepest caverns. Some are less intense but more steady. In the end, I would prefer a love that lasts, especially when it comes to raising children.
Posted by size zero superhero
...and LBR, only self-congratulatory ~mommybloggers~ and quiverfull crazies see their fertility as an actual accomplishment these days rather than a normal mechanism. Any pre-menopausal sucka can conceive & give birth.
I think the women you speak of are finding a value in raising children, moreso than just giving birth to them. I was raised by my mother predominantly. She is the wisest and most caring person, and her counsel has carried me through the most difficult times in my life. I see the mother-child bond as one of the strongest types of love that can exist between human beings, the nature of which has been shown to be so important to our bonding in later life, on every level. I guess you don't see the value in that? I'm not saying that's all women are good for, but I can't imagine why someone would want to minimize it.
Posted by starlover
...and i do not need a man and his dick to define me as a woman ~~ that is a good lesson for any woman to learn ~~ stand alone until you are healed and then the right man (if its meant to be) will come along, and i am not talking about one that is too much of a mouse to commit to you
I think that's good advice but I don't think everyone has the strength to follow it. After my divorce, I know I didn't.
I wouldn't call it being clingy but I expect a guy to let me crash the night in his bed after we have sex and the same goes when I have a guy at mine and we have breakfast together like a sleep over??_.
Posted by KD1TheeLeo
I know I'm good not the best but why is it after sex women seem to cling, call constantly, and be around ALL the time like we just sealed the deal and I'm so honest before we go any further I always say I'm not looking for relationship, but we can be friends.
So now, after getting valuable information in telling you that women associate sex with emotions, no matter the words told .... it's your turn to fix yourself in the future.
You now know that even if a woman says she's cool with it, and she may very well falsely believe this of herself ... she simply cannot have casual sex without attaching feelings.
So now that you know, the responsibility is equally on you .... in that if you do this again, then you're at fault for hurting her feelings, so you cannot ask a woman to engage again without becoming a flaming asshole dickhead.
Posted by KD1TheeLeo
But understand I'm not talking about disrespect, some don't understand when I say its just sex, before we do anything then you say, okay. Then it happens and now the next day you want me to love you.
Now that you know, if you engage a woman in it again ... then by virtue of you being informed about the consequences of your actions ... you will indeed be disrespecting the female.
So, now it's on you to be a good man .. or bad person.
Posted by P-AngelPosted by KD1TheeLeo
But understand I'm not talking about disrespect, some don't understand when I say its just sex, before we do anything then you say, okay. Then it happens and now the next day you want me to love you.
Now that you know, if you engage a woman in it again ... then by virtue of you being informed about the consequences of your actions ... you will indeed be disrespecting the female.
So, now it's on you to be a good man .. or bad person.click to expand
+100
I don't know about yall, but I always feel closer to my boyfriend after sex.
I know I can't do FWB because I know I will feel closer to them and attach. I would set myself up for disappoint and heart ache and why do that to yourself if you know it's likely to happen?
I know I can't do FWB because I know I will feel closer to them and attach. I would set myself up for disappoint and heart ache and why do that to yourself if you know it's likely to happen?
Posted by size zero superhero
hanging out for a while the following morning is nothing unusual IMO.
..c'mon don't glamorize and poor bullshit over what it really is. My male friends tell me the first thing they think about after a quickie is how quick they can get the hell out.
The example you share is VERY RARE, unless the guy has two other broads cancel on him for Wed. & Thurs. and needs to fill a time slot.
*pour bullshit
Posted by size zero superhero
OH IN THAT CASE, IT MUST BE DEFINITIVE ALL-ENCOMPASSING TRUTH and not the anecdotal afterthought it resembles from an objective POV.
Calm the hell down...I did say it's RARE. Actually "VERY RARE"
Leaving just enough room for those without brains to think there is a chance he doesn't want to run.
😉
So does that mean you want another chance to rephrase what you responded with to make it sound more glamorous? By all means have at it.
bottom line..
It is what IT is...and we all know that.
bottom line..
It is what IT is...and we all know that.
So now, after getting valuable information in telling you that women associate sex with emotions, no matter the words told .... it's your turn to fix yourself in the future.
You now know that even if a woman says she's cool with it, and she may very well falsely believe this of herself ... she simply cannot have casual sex without attaching feelings.
So now that you know, the responsibility is equally on you .... in that if you do this again, then you're at fault for hurting her feelings, so you cannot ask a woman to engage again without becoming a flaming asshole dickhead.
+1,000
Posted by size zero superheroPosted by LetltB
So does that mean you want another chance to rephrase what you responded with to make it sound more glamorous? By all means have at it.
For brevity's sake, I left out the specific series events after said bootycall. You got me there.
The butler knocks on the bedroom door, awakening both of you with a gourmet breakfast-in-bed for two, followed by the prince arranging an intimate sailing tour on the moat which surrounds his expansive, towering estate. The pleasant wind tousles your long flowing tresses about, while he whispers sweet nothings into your ear as you circle the palace with mimosas in hand.
~happily ever after, y'all~
the end
*BOW*
click to expand
*vigorous applause*
Oh please, this is so transparent. You found dxp a splendid opportunity to boast/make wild claims about how good you are in bed.
Get a grip. Literally.
Get a grip. Literally.
Posted by munchkin
Oh please, this is so transparent. You found dxp a splendid opportunity to boast/make wild claims about how good you are in bed.
Get a grip. Literally.
+1
Had another Leo in the Libra forum pull the same shit.
"I SLEPT WITH HER AND GAVE HER SUCH A GOOD DICKING THAT SHE WON'T STOP CLINGING!!! OH WOE IS ME!"
Most men are lousy fucks.
ALL of them think they are fantastic ... ALL of them.
But, very few actually are.
And I would imagine that in this modern day ... they're even worse at fucking.
With all the std's, men HAVE to wear condoms. Well, to men, wearing condoms is a miserable fucking experience ... so, it seems natural that when they fuck, they will positions themselves, help themselves, take care of themselves MORE than taking care of her in an attempt to get some satisfaction.
Posted by KD1TheeLeo
I know I'm good not the best but why is it after sex women seem to cling, call constantly, and be around ALL the time like we just sealed the deal and I'm so honest before we go any further I always say I'm not looking for relationship, but we can be friends.
She liked your dick? Guys are stupid
lol @ size-zero??_??_for second there when you were going into Bey territory I was like "oh no she better don't"!!!
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...Then why exactly are you posting on threads like FWB and Clinging AFTER sex, if you sustain that you never tried FWB and always cling BEFORE sex 🙂?
Expert advice from Shocks, anyone 🙂?