Losing attraction is that easy?

Hello beautiful people I got a quick question,

What would you feel/think if a partner told you they'd lose attraction if you got a tattoo, haircut, or any change of appearance that you think is not life changing?

I can't believe attraction would be that fickle, just can't imagine losing feelings or attraction when my partner gets a haircut or a new hair color or tattoos or even gaining weight or literally anything tbh..

Enlighten me please 🙂

getting tattoo genreally means you're vulgar, it can change someone's point of view on you

Uhhhhhh, idk. I do accept that we change through life, but if I'm going after someone it's partially because I find them attractive and I'd like them to try to keep that, same on my side for them. Losing FEELINGS? No, I don't think so. MAYBE not wanting to fuck you until your hair grew back? (Giving an extreme example like say you go from Long hair to shaved head).

Can't entirely say as I've never been in the situation and the small changes weren't anything worth worrying about besides "hey maybe we both start walking a little more?" or something like that.

I'd say if FEELINGS in TOTALITY would be lost over minor changes, they didn't actually love you.

Also I guess step back a little from whatever I say so you don't take it extra personal and overvalue it or something

I can lose attraction when I hear something rude or inappropriate immediately....or if a guy takes too long

Posted by CelestialGlow90
I can lose attraction when I hear something rude or inappropriate immediately....or if a guy takes too long

I do believe she's talking about while IN a relationship

Posted by AquaClassy
My life thought me that loosing attraction over smallest thing in long term relationship it's just and exuse for you to not admit that you just not interested in that person anymore. But that just me.

It was like this with my baby daddy. I was trying to find reasons to break up with him, instead admiting it's just me and my problem.

taught* - My life taught me

♥

You are using the word fickle incorrectly. Someone getting a tattoo or gaining weight are life changing events, those are poor correlations. You do not want people to enlighten you, you already have a narrative that the behavior is wrong and have given yourself reasons to justify your point of view.

Feelings of resentment would not brew if people were honest about their hangups in the beginning. If someone has told you their relationship hangups, then they’ve set boundaries and you have a good idea where you’d stand testing that boundary.

Posted by CelestialGlow90
I can lose attraction when I hear something rude or inappropriate immediately....or if a guy takes too long

That's different though.. I'm talking like going blonde for a month, like cutting two inches of your hair, silly things like this.

Posted by Solo
Uhhhhhh, idk. I do accept that we change through life, but if I'm going after someone it's partially because I find them attractive and I'd like them to try to keep that, same on my side for them. Losing FEELINGS? No, I don't think so. MAYBE not wanting to fuck you until your hair grew back? (Giving an extreme example like say you go from Long hair to shaved head).

Can't entirely say as I've never been in the situation and the small changes weren't anything worth worrying about besides "hey maybe we both start walking a little more?" or something like that.

I'd say if FEELINGS in TOTALITY would be lost over minor changes, they didn't actually love you.

That's valid af, would you stop your SO from getting a tiny tattoo that means something to them or from like dyeing their hair or changing their clothing style ? Just like not that dramatic of a change imo idk..

Posted by AquaClassy
My life thought me that loosing attraction over smallest thing in long term relationship it's just and exuse for you to not admit that you just not interested in that person anymore. But that just me.

It was like this with my baby daddy. I was trying to find reasons to break up with him, instead admiting it's just me and my problem.

Hmmm interesting.. I believe if you truly love someone nothing they'll ever do to their looks is gonna bug you. Am I tripping?

Posted by black773
You are using the word fickle incorrectly. Someone getting a tattoo or gaining weight are life changing events, those are poor correlations. You do not want people to enlighten you, you already have a narrative that the behavior is wrong and have given yourself reasons to justify your point of view.

Feelings of resentment would not brew if people were honest about their hangups in the beginning. If someone has told you their relationship hangups, then they’ve set boundaries and you have a good idea where you’d stand testing that boundary.

I'm here to know all perspectives, doesn't mean I'm gonna change my mind.. I want all kinds of answers because I need to know what other people think. Not here to get validation because I don't need validation, especially not on something I 100% believe in..

Posted by Orgvsm

Posted by Solo
Uhhhhhh, idk. I do accept that we change through life, but if I'm going after someone it's partially because I find them attractive and I'd like them to try to keep that, same on my side for them. Losing FEELINGS? No, I don't think so. MAYBE not wanting to fuck you until your hair grew back? (Giving an extreme example like say you go from Long hair to shaved head).
Can't entirely say as I've never been in the situation and the small changes weren't anything worth worrying about besides "hey maybe we both start walking a little more?" or something like that.
I'd say if FEELINGS in TOTALITY would be lost over minor changes, they didn't actually love you.

That's valid af, would you stop your SO from getting a tiny tattoo that means something to them or from like dyeing their hair or changing their clothing style ? Just like not that dramatic of a change imo idk..

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No, I wouldn't stop them. Clothing style - the only thing I would ask is like, please don't wear shorts that are so short that your buttcheeks are hanging out. I love them and I want them for myself. Greedy. That's probably as far as I'd go, and I've done it in the past.

Posted by Orgvsm

Posted by Solo
Uhhhhhh, idk. I do accept that we change through life, but if I'm going after someone it's partially because I find them attractive and I'd like them to try to keep that, same on my side for them. Losing FEELINGS? No, I don't think so. MAYBE not wanting to fuck you until your hair grew back? (Giving an extreme example like say you go from Long hair to shaved head).
Can't entirely say as I've never been in the situation and the small changes weren't anything worth worrying about besides "hey maybe we both start walking a little more?" or something like that.
I'd say if FEELINGS in TOTALITY would be lost over minor changes, they didn't actually love you.

That's valid af, would you stop your SO from getting a tiny tattoo that means something to them or from like dyeing their hair or changing their clothing style ? Just like not that dramatic of a change imo idk..

click to expand

No, I wouldn't stop them. Clothing style - the only thing I would ask is like, please don't wear shorts that are so short that your buttcheeks are hanging out. I love them and I want them for myself. Greedy. That's probably as far as I'd go, and I've done it in the past.

Posted by Orgvsm

Posted by AquaClassy
My life thought me that loosing attraction over smallest thing in long term relationship it's just and exuse for you to not admit that you just not interested in that person anymore. But that just me.
It was like this with my baby daddy. I was trying to find reasons to break up with him, instead admiting it's just me and my problem.

Hmmm interesting.. I believe if you truly love someone nothing they'll ever do to their looks is gonna bug you. Am I tripping?

click to expand

Slightly trippin'? But also bugging doesn't mean that they stop loving you or something, just that they'd probably prefer something else. Like say with the 2 inch cut, maybe they like your hair that little bit longer, so that 2 inches might bug them but doubtful they're gonna have an actual real issue with it

Posted by AquaClassy

Posted by Orgvsm

Posted by AquaClassy
My life thought me that loosing attraction over smallest thing in long term relationship it's just and exuse for you to not admit that you just not interested in that person anymore. But that just me.
It was like this with my baby daddy. I was trying to find reasons to break up with him, instead admiting it's just me and my problem.

Hmmm interesting.. I believe if you truly love someone nothing they'll ever do to their looks is gonna bug you. Am I tripping?
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No you're not Lol.

I believe if long term relationship is build on solid ground - mental connection then is less likely you will loose internet in person over small change that you don't like.

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This is exactly what I think, if someone wants to grow old with a partner they have to at least still love them during all their "appearance" phases or whatever.. Idk hearing/reading people are so willing to discard relationships over stuff like that is a bit unsettling to me.

Posted by Solo

Posted by Orgvsm

Posted by AquaClassy
My life thought me that loosing attraction over smallest thing in long term relationship it's just and exuse for you to not admit that you just not interested in that person anymore. But that just me.
It was like this with my baby daddy. I was trying to find reasons to break up with him, instead admiting it's just me and my problem.

Hmmm interesting.. I believe if you truly love someone nothing they'll ever do to their looks is gonna bug you. Am I tripping?
click to expand

Slightly trippin'? But also bugging doesn't mean that they stop loving you or something, just that they'd probably prefer something else. Like say with the 2 inch cut, maybe they like your hair that little bit longer, so that 2 inches might bug them but doubtful they're gonna have an actual real issue with it

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Hypothetically speaking, if a person was like: "my dick is not gonna work if you dye your hair or get a tattoo" 😂 I'm like whaaaat?

Posted by Saturn_Returns
In theory, subtle changes shouldn't be too much of a problem. It's dramatic changes that I would maybe have reservations about.

Fair enough, what would be an example of a dramatic change?

Posted by Orgvsm

Posted by Solo

Posted by Orgvsm

Posted by AquaClassy
My life thought me that loosing attraction over smallest thing in long term relationship it's just and exuse for you to not admit that you just not interested in that person anymore. But that just me.
It was like this with my baby daddy. I was trying to find reasons to break up with him, instead admiting it's just me and my problem.

Hmmm interesting.. I believe if you truly love someone nothing they'll ever do to their looks is gonna bug you. Am I tripping?
click to expand

Slightly trippin'? But also bugging doesn't mean that they stop loving you or something, just that they'd probably prefer something else. Like say with the 2 inch cut, maybe they like your hair that little bit longer, so that 2 inches might bug them but doubtful they're gonna have an actual real issue with it
click to expand

Hypothetically speaking, if a person was like: "my dick is not gonna work if you dye your hair or get a tattoo" 😂 I'm like whaaaat?

click to expand

That's crazy IMO lol. That is NOT stopping me

Turning down a big bunda over a tattoo or died hair? HAAAAYYEEELLLL NAWH

Posted by AquaClassy
My life thought me that loosing attraction over smallest thing in long term relationship it's just and exuse for you to not admit that you just not interested in that person anymore. But that just me.

It was like this with my baby daddy. I was trying to find reasons to break up with him, instead admiting it's just me and my problem.

I'm on board with Classy although, admittedly, there are some lines I wouldn't wish my partner to cross such as wild transdermal implants (e.g horns) and alike.

It is funny to see how significantly less lenient men are toward female physical appearance than the other way around!

Consider it a blessing and move it along.

Posted by xkachi
That's why I'm single. I've only seen very few people who would stick around, especially when you get sick. Most people are extremely shallow.

I need somebody who will stick by me as we get older, who accepts those changes and will take care of me when I get sick.

That's why I'll never compete for a man. If he chooses to walk, I'll drive you.

Isn't it more so the pisces that you're single? Wasn't he like not available? Or moved or suttin?

Posted by xkachi

Posted by Solo

Posted by xkachi
That's why I'm single. I've only seen very few people who would stick around, especially when you get sick. Most people are extremely shallow.
I need somebody who will stick by me as we get older, who accepts those changes and will take care of me when I get sick.
That's why I'll never compete for a man. If he chooses to walk, I'll drive you.

Isn't it more so the pisces that you're single? Wasn't he like not available? Or moved or suttin?
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Even before the Pisces and after him, still single. He was the only one that stuck with our agreement.

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Ohhh okay seemed like you wanted him a lot

Posted by xkachi

Posted by Solo

Posted by xkachi

Posted by Solo

Posted by xkachi
That's why I'm single. I've only seen very few people who would stick around, especially when you get sick. Most people are extremely shallow.
I need somebody who will stick by me as we get older, who accepts those changes and will take care of me when I get sick.
That's why I'll never compete for a man. If he chooses to walk, I'll drive you.

Isn't it more so the pisces that you're single? Wasn't he like not available? Or moved or suttin?
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Even before the Pisces and after him, still single. He was the only one that stuck with our agreement.
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Ohhh okay seemed like you wanted him a lot
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Of course I did. That's how it should be for casual relationships with an element of friendship.

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WHALE EXCUUUUSE ME

Posted by Bumboklaat
Yeah it can be a big deal especially if it triggers some insecurity or memory/trauma.

My girl likes to dye her hair and I hate it mainly cause

A. Natural is almost always better

B. The chemical smell is pretty strong.

She got a nose ring a while back and that looks good on her imo. She's got some tattoos but just enough to where it's not a turn off. Lot of tattoos would be a turnoff.

Any fake implants would be a turnoff. Or those lip injections that look terrible on all the girls I've seen that have it.

It's mostly about self expression, trends are a turnoff. Also physical insecurity could also be a turn off.

Now that you say this, maybe cosmetic surgery. I've never slapped fake buns but idk if id want to

Posted by AquaClassy

Posted by Argus

Posted by AquaClassy
My life thought me that loosing attraction over smallest thing in long term relationship it's just and exuse for you to not admit that you just not interested in that person anymore. But that just me.
It was like this with my baby daddy. I was trying to find reasons to break up with him, instead admiting it's just me and my problem.

I'm on board with Classy although, admittedly, there are some lines I wouldn't wish my partner to cross such as wild transdermal implants (e.g horns) and alike.
It is funny to see how significantly less lenient men are toward female physical appearance than the other way around!
click to expand

Oh I agree. I later mentioned that it's only about small changes, and the drasical can definitely be a reason for energy shift in relationship.

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Yes, ma'am 👍 ; )

This exact thing is happening in my friend’s marriage ☹️ No matter how much she works out or how little she eats it’s not enough for him… she has a certain medical condition that also makes it difficult to lose weight as others. The medications for that don’t help either. For whatever reason he refuses to grasp or acknowledge that. She's in the process of leaving him. Honestly I don’t know why she’s surprised since he’s always been OBSESSED with how he looks and it just ended up spilling onto her.

Idk. I feel a haircut is a pass, but I personally don't like permanent modifications. Like if you change yourself from what I fell in love with too much, eventually I won't be able to associate you with you anymore. That's fine too. I feel people have the right to do whatever they want with their body. A haircut is fine, but tattoos and piercings are honestly a turn off for me. I know that might sound surprising, but I find piercing a huge turn off, and find dumb meaningless tattoo a turn off. Though I will say I've found a small percent of tattoos an actual turn on. Like if it's dumb or stupid I hate it. If it's amazing artwork and in the perfect spot I love it.

Posted by Orgvsm
Hello beautiful people I got a quick question,

What would you feel/think if a partner told you they'd lose attraction if you got a tattoo, haircut, or any change of appearance that you think is not life changing?

I can't believe attraction would be that fickle, just can't imagine losing feelings or attraction when my partner gets a haircut or a new hair color or tattoos or even gaining weight or literally anything tbh..

Enlighten me please 🙂

I understand there are some peeves people have, usually linked to bad experiences or cultural.

And yet...."simple dislike" of something vs. thier feelings for me gets wieghted and if I'm losing....I'd be thankful for knowing were I stand and not wasting anymore time on them. Bye!

Posted by xkachi

Posted by SassyKiwi
This exact thing is happening in my friend’s marriage ☹️ No matter how much she works out or how little she eats it’s not enough for him… she has a certain medical condition that also makes it difficult to lose weight as others. The medications for that don’t help either. For whatever reason he refuses to grasp or acknowledge that. She's in the process of leaving him. Honestly I don’t know why she’s surprised since he’s always been OBSESSED with how he looks and it just ended up spilling onto her.

How did they ended up married?

click to expand

They met on Bumble. She was getting certifications for the career field he was already in. They’re also both really into fitness, him more so than her. He made it clear from the beginning he never wanted to get married and I guess she took that as a personal challenge. They married after 4 years of dating.. only to divorce after 2 years of marriage. I’ve rarely seen a marriage work out where the woman wanted it more than the man. It’s better to find a man who wants it as equally if not more. He basically grew up with no family around for decades and became really attached to her family but ended up failing to give her basic respect as the marriage was progressing.

Posted by Orgvsm
Hello beautiful people I got a quick question,

What would you feel/think if a partner told you they'd lose attraction if you got a tattoo, haircut, or any change of appearance that you think is not life changing?

I can't believe attraction would be that fickle, just can't imagine losing feelings or attraction when my partner gets a haircut or a new hair color or tattoos or even gaining weight or literally anything tbh..

Enlighten me please 🙂

i agree. i wouldn’t leave whoever i’m in love with even if they somehow ended up in a wheelchair or something so i wouldn’t leave for stupid reasons either. i’ll only leave if they leave me first 😂 that’s fair, right? 😂

so yeah changes to the appearance is fine but i do hope that for the sake of everyone involved, that it’s at least tasteful 😅

for example, a face tattoo to me isn’t exactly tasteful 😅 you’re just gonna end up looking like a gang member and you’re gonna be judged by people whether you wanna be or not. people might not give you certain opportunities just because of your face tattoo. it happens.

so it’s important to not leave behind common sense when making changes to your appearance.

Posted by MarkGem

Posted by Argus

Posted by AquaClassy
My life thought me that loosing attraction over smallest thing in long term relationship it's just and exuse for you to not admit that you just not interested in that person anymore. But that just me.
It was like this with my baby daddy. I was trying to find reasons to break up with him, instead admiting it's just me and my problem.

I'm on board with Classy although, admittedly, there are some lines I wouldn't wish my partner to cross such as wild transdermal implants (e.g horns) and alike.
It is funny to see how significantly less lenient men are toward female physical appearance than the other way around!
click to expand

Men value beauty in a woman - thats no secret

click to expand

Usurprisingly, women do, too! Very apparently though, our definition of beauty tends to differ.... but I'm stating the obvious.

Posted by xkachi

Posted by SassyKiwi

Posted by xkachi

Posted by SassyKiwi
This exact thing is happening in my friend’s marriage ☹️ No matter how much she works out or how little she eats it’s not enough for him… she has a certain medical condition that also makes it difficult to lose weight as others. The medications for that don’t help either. For whatever reason he refuses to grasp or acknowledge that. She's in the process of leaving him. Honestly I don’t know why she’s surprised since he’s always been OBSESSED with how he looks and it just ended up spilling onto her.

How did they ended up married?
click to expand

They met on Bumble. She was getting certifications for the career field he was already in. They’re also both really into fitness, him more so than her. He made it clear from the beginning he never wanted to get married and I guess she took that as a personal challenge. They married after 4 years of dating.. only to divorce after 2 years of marriage. I’ve rarely seen a marriage work out where the woman wanted it more than the man. It’s better to find a man who wants it as equally if not more. He basically grew up with no family around for decades and became really attached to her family but ended up failing to give her basic respect as the marriage was progressing.
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Wow.

I'm sorry to hear that, it's kind of sad all around.

I wonder if he felt somewhat pressured and became spiteful after - I did my part, you better stay fit.

Did they spend a long on their wedding?

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Yeah I definitely think he felt pressured and slowly started becoming spiteful. She would never admit it but I think she’s the reason for his crippling mental breakdowns. Alongside never desiring to get married, he disclosed from the very beginning he didn’t want any children. She would claim her medical condition would make it difficult to conceive so she didn’t mind that but after marriage she thought she could get him to change his mind about it… of course that’s going to make him feel like he was trapped and tricked. Some people just don’t learn from their previous relationship failures of the consequences of trying to “fix” or change their partners…

I think for me it started looking a little concerning from the moment I discovered it was a Taurus and Leo pairing. I haven’t pulled up his chart but I think she’s double fixed. Many fixed sign people have a lot of other fixed energy in their chart. As a triple fixed myself, I would personally not mess with all that fixed energy! It can get controlling and/or abusive… which it did for them.

Eh, it was mostly her side of the family that didn’t mind being a bit extravagant with the wedding events. They didn’t financially burden him as he wanted things as simple as possible.

It’s definitely an all around sad situation. I can tell they both love each other and are dedicated to each other but she’s trying to test and push his boundaries?! Couples living together will ultimately end up seeing each others’ worst sides. I’m sure they also both mutually benefited from the relationship as I mentioned earlier he became very attached to her family (when he’s had none around) who often even sided with him over their own daughter at times because they saw him no less than a son.

A lady with a haircut, i don't know about that one. I like my women with hair and on the long side. I like women with short hair only if they had short hair like since forever and it suits their facial structure. But if a woman gets a hair cut if they had long hair all their adult life just to change their looks is something I would never understand but I'm not gonna leave them just because of that. I'll beg them to please don't cut your hair even if I have to get down on my knees and crawl begging them to don't do that. Now on the other hand I don't care if women don't like tattoos on me. I love em and ain't gone get em removed just for women. They can think I'm trashy that's fine but since I love tattoos I like them on women. Feet tattoos on women's feet turn me on.

I prefer women with mid length hair, like in the 90s. Length between the shoulder and the ear, It's very stylish. Long hair generally look dirty and unpractical to me and it gets in the way. Thanks for listening.

Posted by Orgvsm

Posted by CelestialGlow90
I can lose attraction when I hear something rude or inappropriate immediately....or if a guy takes too long

That's different though.. I'm talking like going blonde for a month, like cutting two inches of your hair, silly things like this.

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Oh, I mean I've seen features on my SO that I didn't like, like one growing out his beard but it wasn't strong enough to kill my interest/attraction

Posted by Solo

Posted by CelestialGlow90
I can lose attraction when I hear something rude or inappropriate immediately....or if a guy takes too long

I do believe she's talking about while IN a relationship

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I misread the assignment 🙃

Well if she told me I wouldn't be attractive if I cut my hair looking like Patrick Stewart, it's something like that. Or like, I wouldn't be attracted to her if she all of a sudden went and got a lip plate.

Posted by xkachi

Posted by SassyKiwi

Posted by xkachi

Posted by SassyKiwi

Posted by xkachi

Posted by SassyKiwi
This exact thing is happening in my friend’s marriage ☹️ No matter how much she works out or how little she eats it’s not enough for him… she has a certain medical condition that also makes it difficult to lose weight as others. The medications for that don’t help either. For whatever reason he refuses to grasp or acknowledge that. She's in the process of leaving him. Honestly I don’t know why she’s surprised since he’s always been OBSESSED with how he looks and it just ended up spilling onto her.

How did they ended up married?
click to expand

They met on Bumble. She was getting certifications for the career field he was already in. They’re also both really into fitness, him more so than her. He made it clear from the beginning he never wanted to get married and I guess she took that as a personal challenge. They married after 4 years of dating.. only to divorce after 2 years of marriage. I’ve rarely seen a marriage work out where the woman wanted it more than the man. It’s better to find a man who wants it as equally if not more. He basically grew up with no family around for decades and became really attached to her family but ended up failing to give her basic respect as the marriage was progressing.
click to expand

Wow.
I'm sorry to hear that, it's kind of sad all around.
I wonder if he felt somewhat pressured and became spiteful after - I did my part, you better stay fit.
Did they spend a long on their wedding?
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Yeah I definitely think he felt pressured and slowly started becoming spiteful. She would never admit it but I think she’s the reason for his crippling mental breakdowns. Alongside never desiring to get married, he disclosed from the very beginning he didn’t want any children. She would claim her medical condition would make it difficult to conceive so she didn’t mind that but after marriage she thought she could get him to change his mind about it… of course that’s going to make him feel like he was trapped and tricked. Some people just don’t learn from their previous relationship failures of the consequences of trying to “fix” or change their partners…
I think for me it started looking a little concerning from the moment I discovered it was a Taurus and Leo pairing. I haven’t pulled up his chart but I think she’s double fixed. Many fixed sign people have a lot of other fixed energy in their chart. As a triple fixed myself, I would personally not mess with all that fixed energy! It can get controlling and/or abusive… which it did for them.
Eh, it was mostly her side of the family that didn’t mind being a bit extravagant with the wedding events. They didn’t financially burden him as he wanted things as simple as possible.
It’s definitely an all around sad situation. I can tell they both love each other and are dedicated to each other but she’s trying to test and push his boundaries?! Couples living together will ultimately end up seeing each others’ worst sides. I’m sure they also both mutually benefited from the relationship as I mentioned earlier he became very attached to her family (when he’s had none around) who often even sided with him over their own daughter at times because they saw him no less than a son.
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I've seen this play out with people I know with the roles switched. Marriage and children are deal breakers but I find people trying to change either themselves or the other person to make these deal breakers fit or not. I guess when people love almost everything about each other, they have this belief in that moment that it just might work.

Recently, I had a guy who wanted children and I just don't see myself having another one. I told him that we're not going to work out but he said he still wanted to talk and jokingly kept saying I might change my mind eventually. I decided to stop talking to him because I knew it wasn't going to end well.

People who like to control things in a relationship makes me wonder if they actually love their partner because there's a lack of respect for boundaries.

Your friend's husband must have loved her so much to have done something he didn't want to do.

Does your friend come from a traditional family?

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I totally agree.

That’s the thing, most people don’t have the maturity to instantly shut it down from progressing farther and let themselves fall harder and then act shocked or naive about it when it gets pointed out. I guess some don’t mind living in a state of denial or delusion. Or they just yolo and end up facing the consequences.

Yeah she comes from a really traditional family and always dreamed of that picture perfect wedding and married life with kids until her 20s when she got tired of men disappointing her and breaking her heart. She then didn’t see herself getting married anymore… until I got married. She met this guy like 6 months after my wedding and didn’t want to let him go. I feel like she’s always tried comparing herself to me. I’m apparently even a well known topic with her therapists ._. There have been plenty of times where I’ve been okay with her completely disappearing from my life but I hold no hard feelings and so she reaches back out here and there and we have our old long, nonstop conversations.

cussing/being verbally abusive