Dreamer222?
@pooface222
9 Years1,000+ Posts
Comments: 6 · Posts: 1783 · Topics: 79
Stayed too long in my marriage. Now I'm Confused! Help!
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Yes yes yes
I stayed too long because of the kids. I stayed too long because he refused to let me go. I stayed too long because I was afraid.
It was hard but worth it. Don't do anything without a plan. Get your finances in order and make sure you have a stable enough job to support yourself and your child. Do not rely on any money from him.
Figure out living arrangements. Will you stay in the home or leave? In my case, it was easier for me to move out. That was because he fought the separation. He wouldn't leave willingly and I didn't want an ugly battle. How will your spouse react? Is he violent? Do you have a support system in place?
I stayed too long because of the kids. I stayed too long because he refused to let me go. I stayed too long because I was afraid.
It was hard but worth it. Don't do anything without a plan. Get your finances in order and make sure you have a stable enough job to support yourself and your child. Do not rely on any money from him.
Figure out living arrangements. Will you stay in the home or leave? In my case, it was easier for me to move out. That was because he fought the separation. He wouldn't leave willingly and I didn't want an ugly battle. How will your spouse react? Is he violent? Do you have a support system in place?
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Posted by ImpulsvThanks Impulsiv. I always like your responses to my posts. I wrote a post about my marriage from an Astrological point of view and your reply was totally spot on. You said that I have been dying in my marriage. .It was like you really understood.
I didn't have the courage to initiate but once the ball got rolling I was free!
Do.you have kids too?
Posted by yupvirgoHi Yupvirgo ..
Around a month ago, I had a hiccup in my marriage. But to be honest, it was rooted in something that happened two years ago that had caused resentment on my side that I did not communicate to my wife. I had contemplated divorce at one point. But it's important to understand that we're both very petty people. And we've been married for around 16 years now. I managed to fix everything by initiating communication with her. I'm surprised that you stayed around like 4 more extra years when you've been feeling that way. And now there's a child involved too.
Just out of curiosity, what are you and your husband's sign?
Would your mind change if he expressed what he felt all those years?
If I didn't initiate the communication with my wife, then I'd never really fully know what she thought and felt. I'd only be stuck in the resentments in my mind and I'll never give her a chance to explain anything to me. And in the end, I realized I love my wife still.
Communication is key.
Thank you for your response. Really helpful.
I think if my husband had expressed those things years ago, I believe I would have left him. You see the massive problem between us as well as everything else was babies. He wanted them. I didn't. However. .It gets worse. Once I had our baby I realised I DID want babies. But not with him. Therefore babies were not the problem. It was my husband. I in fact didn't want babies with HIM. Sadly it's taken me to have a baby to find this out ?
Therefore if he had expressed these issues 4 years back instead of totally shutting down on me and leaving me in the dark and very confused, I believe I would have said, that we want different things, our relationship is not working and we are not right for each other. And left.
I too cannot believe I have stayed 4 more years!! I'm angry with myself and very sad too. And I worry for my little girl. I was scared of the unknown.
Our star signs are Me Capricorn and Him Aries. I already know what a bad combination this is. Aries and Cape just doesn't work. It can do but it requires ALOT of work. A LOT of understanding and A LOT of compromise.
Posted by Deedee86Hi Deedee86
Yes yes yes
I stayed too long because of the kids. I stayed too long because he refused to let me go. I stayed too long because I was afraid.
It was hard but worth it. Don't do anything without a plan. Get your finances in order and make sure you have a stable enough job to support yourself and your child. Do not rely on any money from him.
Figure out living arrangements. Will you stay in the home or leave? In my case, it was easier for me to move out. That was because he fought the separation. He wouldn't leave willingly and I didn't want an ugly battle. How will your spouse react? Is he violent? Do you have a support system in place?
Thank you too for your response. I have a job I love but it doesn't pay enough. I am a self-employed fitness instructor - I teach fitness classes in local health clubs. So sadly I have to rely on him financially. We have discussed during arguments what the options are and luckily he has said that we could get divorced and split the proceeds from the house sale. And he even mentioned that he would have to help me pay my mortgage for my own place because I can't afford it on my tiny salary and I have our little girl to look after.
Sounds good doesn't it. But..you never know what he might say if I Actually instigated Divorce. I've heard people turn nasty!
I would like to leave the home we have because even though it has 4 bedrooms and a big garden it's rather isolating. I mean we don't live in the middle of nowhere as we live near a main road but it's on a housing estate with hardly anyone around its like a ghost town. We've only been there 2 years.
The previous house had 2 bedrooms and was near shops and a community arts centre with classes for toddlers too. And I loved my neighbours as it was a small cosy street. We moved because my husband wanted to. I didn't. Soooo More fights! ! Verbal not physical. He is not violent or into alcohol or anything thank god!
He's just very very selfish and thoughtless and very blind to the problems he causes. He argues until he gets what he wants 3rd when I gave him a child he just didn't give a sh*t that didn't want to move house at the time. Our baby was just born and he was pushing to sell our 2 bed house and buy a 4 bed one! He seemed to care more about the family home than the family itself!
Posted by ImpulsvTrue. Thanks again ☺Posted by pooface222Posted by ImpulsvThanks Impulsiv. I always like your responses to my posts. I wrote a post about my marriage from an Astrological point of view and your reply was totally spot on. You said that I have been dying in my marriage. .It was like you really understood.
I didn't have the courage to initiate but once the ball got rolling I was free!
Do.you have kids too?
No but staying for the sake of kids only teaches children unhealthy love patterns. Best for children to see happy parent n loving couples even with others(stepmothers ect.)
click to expand
If he does help financially, great! But do not count on it. Things happen. He can get bitter and use money to punish you. He can meet a new girl and she can order him not to. What if he loses his job? Do not depend on one dime from him. Figure out how much you will need monthly and find a way to earn that much.
Posted by Capri-sunNot really. I'm too sad and lonely to know. Having said that ..I know for sure that I want to be happy again. I want to be Me again. I want to wake up every morning knowing where my life is going, like I used to, and actually look forward to it. I want to wake up looking forward to every single day.
Do you now what you want at this point?
Atm I wake up and don't want to get up and drag myself through another day feeling miserable and lonely, wondering where my life went, while having to be strong and posit for my little girl. Some days I just want to be alone All Day just to sort my f**king head out!
*positive
Posted by Deedee86Yes this is true. However...In order for me to pay my own mortgage I will have to work full time and hope the salary is decent which will mean paying for nursery which HE will have to pay for while I am trying to pay my mortgage. Plus he will want to see our little girl as he loves her very much as I do too.
If he does help financially, great! But do not count on it. Things happen. He can get bitter and use money to punish you. He can meet a new girl and she can order him not to. What if he loses his job? Do not depend on one dime from him. Figure out how much you will need monthly and find a way to earn that much.
Wow! Got to read it again...
Posted by AriesLovePosted by Deedee86What? If there is a court order a "new girl" can't say shit. Unless she wants his ass in jail for contempt. He still has a child to take care of.
If he does help financially, great! But do not count on it. Things happen. He can get bitter and use money to punish you. He can meet a new girl and she can order him not to. What if he loses his job? Do not depend on one dime from him. Figure out how much you will need monthly and find a way to earn that much.
Even if he loses a job he still will have to pay. He will be ordered to find a new job. Both parents need to care for their child. If she turned into a slob like him then what. People bring children into this world it's their responsibility to take care of them.
click to expand
You would be surprised at how people get around paying court orders. I've witnessed self employed people put their businesses is someone else's name just to avoid paying for their own kid! It's sickening.
My friend gets $ 59 per month in child support! That doesn't even cover school lunches.
Posted by VenusAquarius
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Thank you this is what people should be talking about going to counseling trying to fix issues like adults people go off in divorce each other to Easley and they have destroyed the meaning of marriage !!! Boredom and issues will kick in after the honeymoon phase but it's up to the couple to keep this place going
Posted by Mark-23Posted by VenusAquarius
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Thank you this is what people should be talking about going to counseling trying to fix issues like adults people go off in divorce each other to Easley and they have destroyed the meaning of marriage !!! Boredom and issues will kick in after the honeymoon phase but it's up to the couple to keep this place goingclick to expand
I meant "keep the spice going"
Posted by Mark-23They rather repair a car.Posted by VenusAquarius
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Thank you this is what people should be talking about going to counseling trying to fix issues like adults people go off in divorce each other to Easley and they have destroyed the meaning of marriage !!! Boredom and issues will kick in after the honeymoon phase but it's up to the couple to keep this place goingclick to expand
Posted by LuckyLibra979I wish you the same. It's good for mankind.Posted by VenusAquariusMan.... congrats on that and I hope y'all have a promising future
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.click to expand
Thank you 1994 baby! I give him credit. He actually said to me "when I mate, I mate for life." I clutched pearls... scary.
Posted by AriesLovePosted by Deedee86That's not her case. And courts also go by prior tax returns to determine support. They also base everybody's income on at least minimum wage if they don't have a job. A jobless man still has to pay support. So if she's getting 59 a month she's accepting 59 a month and not pursuing what her child should be entitled to.Posted by AriesLovePosted by Deedee86What? If there is a court order a "new girl" can't say shit. Unless she wants his ass in jail for contempt. He still has a child to take care of.
If he does help financially, great! But do not count on it. Things happen. He can get bitter and use money to punish you. He can meet a new girl and she can order him not to. What if he loses his job? Do not depend on one dime from him. Figure out how much you will need monthly and find a way to earn that much.
Even if he loses a job he still will have to pay. He will be ordered to find a new job. Both parents need to care for their child. If she turned into a slob like him then what. People bring children into this world it's their responsibility to take care of them.
You would be surprised at how people get around paying court orders. I've witnessed self employed people put their businesses is someone else's name just to avoid paying for their own kid! It's sickening.
My friend gets $ 59 per month in child support! That doesn't even cover school lunches.
click to expand
I still don't think it's a good idea to count on the money. What if he loses his job? If it comes in, that's great, but budget without including that income.
And I am not sure what state you live in but I've witnessed different regarding support determination. They go by a percentage of income but if that person is not working ths custodial parent can get a stipend from social services , depending on their income. I believe that stipend is based on a minimum wage job. 17% of $ 9 per hour is not much.
Isn't there another man you want to be with (who has another girlfriend, who
left her husband, for him)?
I seem to remember this from another thread. 😕
left her husband, for him)?
I seem to remember this from another thread. 😕
Posted by AriesLoveHi Arieslove..Thank you for your helpful response.
Just consult a lawyer and let them do the dirty work. States have different laws on what needs to be done regarding separation agreements, temporary support, mediation etc.
File for divorce, joint custody, primary physical custody and child support. If he makes good money and substantially more than you, you should be straight. My ex made good money, both of them. So I receive what some people receive for 2-3 children for one. And they cover health insurance and have life insurance policies as well.
But get a decent attorney. Any fees you put out for the attorney have him reimburse you since there is a big difference in salary.
I do need to do that..got to find a lawyer first and it's a minefield! Need to get some recommendations.
Sounds like you did very well out of your divorces. Well done you ?
Does your ex see your kid? How do you cope with that?
Posted by VenusAquariusSo counseling hasn't done a damn thing?
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Posted by MontgomerySO WHAT if there is—
Isn't there another man you want to be with (who has another girlfriend, who
left her husband, for him)?
I seem to remember this from another thread. 😕
I swear these people tattooing our stories on their foreheads!!!
Posted by VenusAquariusHi VenusAquarius. .
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Thanks for responding. I have thought about counselling but it has to be evenings and the waiting lists are long. Love that you guys got back together..sounds so sweet. I'm not sure that will happen with me and my hubby though. .
Posted by AriesLovePosted by Deedee86Did I not just say that? Don't repeat what I say. If they base his income on minimum wage she'll get roughly 300 a month. Still better than the 59 you quoted.Posted by AriesLovePosted by Deedee86That's not her case. And courts also go by prior tax returns to determine support. They also base everybody's income on at least minimum wage if they don't have a job. A jobless man still has to pay support. So if she's getting 59 a month she's accepting 59 a month and not pursuing what her child should be entitled to.Posted by AriesLovePosted by Deedee86What? If there is a court order a "new girl" can't say shit. Unless she wants his ass in jail for contempt. He still has a child to take care of.
If he does help financially, great! But do not count on it. Things happen. He can get bitter and use money to punish you. He can meet a new girl and she can order him not to. What if he loses his job? Do not depend on one dime from him. Figure out how much you will need monthly and find a way to earn that much.
Even if he loses a job he still will have to pay. He will be ordered to find a new job. Both parents need to care for their child. If she turned into a slob like him then what. People bring children into this world it's their responsibility to take care of them.
You would be surprised at how people get around paying court orders. I've witnessed self employed people put their businesses is someone else's name just to avoid paying for their own kid! It's sickening.
My friend gets $ 59 per month in child support! That doesn't even cover school lunches.
I still don't think it's a good idea to count on the money. What if he loses his job? If it comes in, that's great, but budget without including that income.
And I am not sure what state you live in but I've witnessed different regarding support determination. They go by a percentage of income but if that person is not working ths custodial parent can get a stipend from social services , depending on their income. I believe that stipend is based on a minimum wage job. 17% of $ 9 per hour is not much.
BUT that's not her case. She's been working part-time all this time and he's been the primary provider plus they have a 2 year old who will need to be in daycare so she can work full time. Daycare for a child that age is roughly 600 a month. She needs to what's best for her child NOW so she can improve her situation in the future. Nobody depending on nothing it's called parents taking care of their responsibility. Doesn't matter how much she makes now or in the future, that never changes.
Don't be a damn fool and have your child starving on these streets trying to make a point. If she establishes a court order now while he is working and making good money they will know his potential earnings whether he loses a job or not in the future.
click to expand
Wtf is your problem. Are you just in the mood to argue? I don't have the time or patience for your nonsense. GTFOH
Counseling comes in many forms individual, group, couples... it can be church, psych, or a trip to Mecca.
Posted by pooface222You waited this long. It's worth the try. You can go full circle from psych counseling to sex therapy.Posted by VenusAquariusHi VenusAquarius. .
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Thanks for responding. I have thought about counselling but it has to be evenings and the waiting lists are long. Love that you guys got back together..sounds so sweet. I'm not sure that will happen with me and my hubby though. .click to expand
What you described is not so bad... please believe me.
Posted by GemitatiYou wish. ?Posted by VenusAquariusSo counseling hasn't done a damn thing?
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.click to expand
Posted by MontgomeryHi Montgomery. .you are right. Well rremembered. I have discussed my marriage on another thread but from a different standpoint. This thread I started is solely focusing on .my marriage and my feelings towards it and what to do about myself and my life. The other thread involved my marriage but from the viewpoint that I fell in love with someone else so talked a lot about that relationship.
Isn't there another man you want to be with (who has another girlfriend, who
left her husband, for him)?
I seem to remember this from another thread. 😕
I need to focus on my marriage now and what to do..
Posted by pooface222I remember as well. Good for you!Posted by MontgomeryHi Montgomery. .you are right. Well rremembered. I have discussed my marriage on another thread but from a different standpoint. This thread I started is solely focusing on .my marriage and my feelings towards it and what to do about myself and my life. The other thread involved my marriage but from the viewpoint that I fell in love with someone else so talked a lot about that relationship.
Isn't there another man you want to be with (who has another girlfriend, who
left her husband, for him)?
I seem to remember this from another thread. 😕
I need to focus on my marriage now and what to do..click to expand
Posted by GemitatiThank you Gemitati xPosted by MontgomerySO WHAT if there is—
Isn't there another man you want to be with (who has another girlfriend, who
left her husband, for him)?
I seem to remember this from another thread. 😕
I swear these people tattooing our stories on their foreheads!!!click to expand
Agreed. So what.
Posted by AriesLoveHow very true! Just wish I could learn that very important lesson! I always put up.with people's BS and I really shouldn't!Posted by pooface222Oh and as far as coping I'm happy, comfortable and enjoying life. Moved on dating a nice Virgo and have no regrets. Life it too short to put up with BS from anyone.Posted by AriesLoveHi Arieslove..Thank you for your helpful response.
Just consult a lawyer and let them do the dirty work. States have different laws on what needs to be done regarding separation agreements, temporary support, mediation etc.
File for divorce, joint custody, primary physical custody and child support. If he makes good money and substantially more than you, you should be straight. My ex made good money, both of them. So I receive what some people receive for 2-3 children for one. And they cover health insurance and have life insurance policies as well.
But get a decent attorney. Any fees you put out for the attorney have him reimburse you since there is a big difference in salary.
I do need to do that..got to find a lawyer first and it's a minefield! Need to get some recommendations.
Sounds like you did very well out of your divorces. Well done you ?
Does your ex see your kid? How do you cope with that?
click to expand
Posted by VenusAquariusPosted by GemitatiYou wish. ?Posted by VenusAquariusSo counseling hasn't done a damn thing?
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
click to expand
Did it help or not?
I figured you got divorce so it didn't
Posted by aquarius_beautyHi..Thank you for responding ..you sound like me right now. I'm not suicidal but some days I feel like I'm falling apart. And as you know being a mum when you are so unhappy is very hard indeed because you don't have time to be sad.
I went through something similar. I stayed for far too long in my marriage. I was so unhappy. Miserable, even contemplated suicide. But i pulled through because of my kids. It's difficult but you need to do what's best for you. What's worse? Staying in a miserable relationship with your husband and seeing him 24/7 or tolerating seeing him once in a while?
I'd walk away if I was you.
Are you still with your husband? I'm guessing not.
Does he see the kids? I am dreading having to spend time away from my little girl. I couldn't bear it.
Posted by GemitatiRead the bold.Posted by VenusAquariusPosted by GemitatiYou wish. ?Posted by VenusAquariusSo counseling hasn't done a damn thing?
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Did it help or not?
I figured you got divorce so it didn't
click to expand
Posted by pooface222You have to be ready!Posted by GemitatiThank you Gemitati xPosted by MontgomerySO WHAT if there is—
Isn't there another man you want to be with (who has another girlfriend, who
left her husband, for him)?
I seem to remember this from another thread. 😕
I swear these people tattooing our stories on their foreheads!!!
Agreed. So what.
click to expand
Tabs on you are kept and will follow you forever! Lol
Treat it like you are popular now!
Hugs
Posted by VenusAquariusSo counseling helped you to get back together?Posted by GemitatiRead the bold.Posted by VenusAquariusPosted by GemitatiYou wish. ?Posted by VenusAquariusSo counseling hasn't done a damn thing?
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Did it help or not?
I figured you got divorce so it didn't
click to expand
So you went to counseling after divorce?
Both? I am confused...
Posted by GemitatiAnd, you'll stay confused.Posted by VenusAquariusSo counseling helped you to get back together?Posted by GemitatiRead the bold.Posted by VenusAquariusPosted by GemitatiYou wish. ?Posted by VenusAquariusSo counseling hasn't done a damn thing?
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Did it help or not?
I figured you got divorce so it didn't
So you went to counseling after divorce?
Both? I am confused...click to expand
Posted by AriesLoveThanks Arieslove. ..I just hope that what my husband said we could do financially matches what he actually does when it comes to it. Me and my husband still need to look after our child in divorce.Posted by Deedee86Did I not just say that? Don't repeat what I say. If they base his income on minimum wage she'll get roughly 300 a month. Still better than the 59 you quoted.Posted by AriesLovePosted by Deedee86That's not her case. And courts also go by prior tax returns to determine support. They also base everybody's income on at least minimum wage if they don't have a job. A jobless man still has to pay support. So if she's getting 59 a month she's accepting 59 a month and not pursuing what her child should be entitled to.Posted by AriesLovePosted by Deedee86What? If there is a court order a "new girl" can't say shit. Unless she wants his ass in jail for contempt. He still has a child to take care of.
If he does help financially, great! But do not count on it. Things happen. He can get bitter and use money to punish you. He can meet a new girl and she can order him not to. What if he loses his job? Do not depend on one dime from him. Figure out how much you will need monthly and find a way to earn that much.
Even if he loses a job he still will have to pay. He will be ordered to find a new job. Both parents need to care for their child. If she turned into a slob like him then what. People bring children into this world it's their responsibility to take care of them.
You would be surprised at how people get around paying court orders. I've witnessed self employed people put their businesses is someone else's name just to avoid paying for their own kid! It's sickening.
My friend gets $ 59 per month in child support! That doesn't even cover school lunches.
I still don't think it's a good idea to count on the money. What if he loses his job? If it comes in, that's great, but budget without including that income.
And I am not sure what state you live in but I've witnessed different regarding support determination. They go by a percentage of income but if that person is not working ths custodial parent can get a stipend from social services , depending on their income. I believe that stipend is based on a minimum wage job. 17% of $ 9 per hour is not much.
BUT that's not her case. She's been working part-time all this time and he's been the primary provider plus they have a 2 year old who will need to be in daycare so she can work full time. Daycare for a child that age is roughly 600 a month. She needs to what's best for her child NOW so she can improve her situation in the future. Nobody depending on nothing it's called parents taking care of their responsibility. Doesn't matter how much she makes now or in the future, that never changes.
Don't be a damn fool and have your child starving on these streets trying to make a point. If she establishes a court order now while he is working and making good money they will know his potential earnings whether he loses a job or not in the future.
click to expand
Posted by AriesLoveAh okay..great. Sounds like you got things sorted ?Posted by pooface222Yes he sees him whenever he wants but we do have a visitation schedule set in place but I'm not bitter so whenever he wants to spend time he can get him. And he pays half his daycare.Posted by AriesLoveHi Arieslove..Thank you for your helpful response.
Just consult a lawyer and let them do the dirty work. States have different laws on what needs to be done regarding separation agreements, temporary support, mediation etc.
File for divorce, joint custody, primary physical custody and child support. If he makes good money and substantially more than you, you should be straight. My ex made good money, both of them. So I receive what some people receive for 2-3 children for one. And they cover health insurance and have life insurance policies as well.
But get a decent attorney. Any fees you put out for the attorney have him reimburse you since there is a big difference in salary.
I do need to do that..got to find a lawyer first and it's a minefield! Need to get some recommendations.
Sounds like you did very well out of your divorces. Well done you ?
Does your ex see your kid? How do you cope with that?
click to expand
Posted by GemitatiAww x lol! ?Posted by pooface222You have to be ready!Posted by GemitatiThank you Gemitati xPosted by MontgomerySO WHAT if there is—
Isn't there another man you want to be with (who has another girlfriend, who
left her husband, for him)?
I seem to remember this from another thread. 😕
I swear these people tattooing our stories on their foreheads!!!
Agreed. So what.
Tabs on you are kept and will follow you forever! Lol
Treat it like you are popular now!
Hugsclick to expand
Posted by GemitatiPosted by VenusAquariusSo counseling hasn't done a damn thing?
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.click to expand
That's what I'm trying to figure out!
Posted by pooface222You shouldn't talk like that you haven't given count thing a chance I understand it's not on the timing but you guys can make it to but try to make at least for your daughter but more importantly try to do it for yourself with people go to therapy and counseling they realize were the love in the relationship was in the beginning and how it went all wrong it works as long as you want it to workPosted by VenusAquariusHi VenusAquarius. .
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
Thanks for responding. I have thought about counselling but it has to be evenings and the waiting lists are long. Love that you guys got back together..sounds so sweet. I'm not sure that will happen with me and my hubby though. .click to expand
Posted by MiZLeoGosh! Poor you. It sounds like you need to start again. Completely. It certainly is hard! I guess as you both are in counselling together you can only see how it goes. Maybe the counsellor will help you to realise what's best for you. And if that means going your separate ways then maybe it's for the best. But..its not easy. As we both know.
I'm seperated from my husband who I've been with for 13 years in at the moment. Like you i was walking on egg shells. I've gone through ups and downs with the whole situation. We don't have kids, but even with out them it's hard. I started feeling myself again after he moved out, to the point where people noticed the difference in my personality. We have recently started counseling but I'm not sure if it is going to help in the end. I know the feeling of loneliness and the whole better to be with the devil you know thing, and there are days I just want to run back and just not be lonely anymore. I've dated a lot of new people and only one would be worth leaving him for good for but it's complicated to the point where I am not sure if I want to continue with him either. Honestly I just want to run away to a new city but I can't afford that. You're going to feel all sorts of emotions. It's hard.
It sounds like you are better off without him since he moved out. .but loneliness doesn't help. Unless you spend a lot of time with family and friends as Impulsiv said on here.
I was in this situation for 11 years and I stayed that long because I wanted to give our kids a two parent home which is something I didn't have. But I spent most of the relationship depressed and was in it for the wrong reason.
We got together when we were both 16 by the time I turned 22 and him 23 we had three daughters. In the beginning we were good, but by the time I got pregnant with our third child which was 5.5 - 6 year mark he started changing.
He became very controlling, critical, judgmental of me, showing jealousy for no reason, left me in the house while he did what he wanted, cheated, went where he wanted, hungout all night with his friends but I couldn't do anything alone I always had to bring the kids with me because he would refuse to watch them or would argue with me about it, and the times I did go out with our kids he would constantly call me wanting to know what I was doing, who I was around, when I was coming home, so eventually I just stopped going out unless it was necessary because the arguing and his interrogation was just too exhausting to deal with. I also kept my feelings bottled up not because I wanted to but because he never wanted to talk about the issues we had and would literally look pass me when I tried talking to him, or turned the volume up on the TV, or sometimes not talk to me for days even tho we were living together just to "teach me something."
The relationship was mentally and emotionally draining and I did leave him on three different occasions, the first was right after our third was born I moved in with my mother in another state and he without me knowing transferred his job and moved to that state a few months later, so I decided to give him another chance(well I felt I had no choice, he was at my door and my two oldest ages 3 & 5 at the time was happy to see him) we got a place together but within a year he started doing the same thing so I left him again, he pleaded with me to give him another chance and I did moving back in with him, he then moved a family member of his in knowing I didn't get along with her and without first talking to me about it (I wasn't working at the time so he felt I had no say about what went on in the household) so I left again.
Within a few months he asked me to come back again and I did and within two months I was pregnant with our forth child. Throughout that pregnancy he did everything I asked of him, talked to me about what bothered me, helped with the children, contributed with the housework etc and I thought things was going to workout, and foolishly married him but after the birth of our daughter he reverted back to his old ways, so I basically gave up trying to make things work and just went with the flow, I continued doing the things I normally did, but mentally and emotionally I was done and started pulling away. Two years after we married, a month before my 27 birthday and a couple of months before what would've been 11 years together I told him I was done for good and two months later I signed my new lease packed up my things and our daughters things, moved out and never looked back.
I realized that putting up with the way he was treating me just to give my daughters a two parent home wasn't good for them and that all I was teaching them was that it's ok to put up with being unhappy and mistreated in a relationship just because you have kids together, and I didn't want them to feel that was true because it's not. He tried for a year to get me to give him another chance but I refused. I told him he had 11 years to do right by me and he chose not to so I'm not wasting anymore years on him. Then I asked him why did he feel it was ok to treat me the way he did when he knows I did right by him and was good to him and he told me "honestly I felt I had you in the palm of my hands and that u wasn't going to ever leave me for good, but now that I see ur serious about not coming back I wish I did things differently."
He asked for counseling I refused, I was completely done and I wasn't paying someone to tell him what I been saying for years.
However staying that long especially being so young made me weary of guys, I even messed up a good relationship with a good guy because I wasn't use to the way he was treating me. It took me a long time to believe a guy would do right by me let alone trust him to do right by me, but I finally learned to stop letting that part of my life control my relationships, and that there are guys that would appreciate me and not take me for granted. I'm with someone now that makes me very happy and although we have our ups and downs we work it out and he treats my daughters and I really good and is everything I want in a man.
Sorry for the long post, but you gotta do what makes you happy and if leaving is what you feel will make you happy, then do that, it may not be easy at first but you'll get through it.
Posted by yupvirgoYou're the man.
Around a month ago, I had a hiccup in my marriage. But to be honest, it was rooted in something that happened two years ago that had caused resentment on my side that I did not communicate to my wife. I had contemplated divorce at one point. But it's important to understand that we're both very petty people. And we've been married for around 16 years now. I managed to fix everything by initiating communication with her. I'm surprised that you stayed around like 4 more extra years when you've been feeling that way. And now there's a child involved too.
Just out of curiosity, what are you and your husband's sign?
Would your mind change if he expressed what he felt all those years?
If I didn't initiate the communication with my wife, then I'd never really fully know what she thought and felt. I'd only be stuck in the resentments in my mind and I'll never give her a chance to explain anything to me. And in the end, I realized I love my wife still.
Communication is key.
Posted by SimplyBeinMeHi simplybeinme .Thank you for your post and don't worry that its a long one. I read it and thought Jesus Christ! It makes my situation seem like nothing. I cannot believe the hell you went through with him! And with 4 kids too!
I was in this situation for 11 years and I stayed that long because I wanted to give our kids a two parent home which is something I didn't have. But I spent most of the relationship depressed and was in it for the wrong reason.
We got together when we were both 16 by the time I turned 22 and him 23 we had three daughters. In the beginning we were good, but by the time I got pregnant with our third child which was 5.5 - 6 year mark he started changing.
He became very controlling, critical, judgmental of me, showing jealousy for no reason, left me in the house while he did what he wanted, cheated, went where he wanted, hungout all night with his friends but I couldn't do anything alone I always had to bring the kids with me because he would refuse to watch them or would argue with me about it, and the times I did go out with our kids he would constantly call me wanting to know what I was doing, who I was around, when I was coming home, so eventually I just stopped going out unless it was necessary because the arguing and his interrogation was just too exhausting to deal with. I also kept my feelings bottled up not because I wanted to but because he never wanted to talk about the issues we had and would literally look pass me when I tried talking to him, or turned the volume up on the TV, or sometimes not talk to me for days even tho we were living together just to "teach me something."
The relationship was mentally and emotionally draining and I did leave him on three different occasions, the first was right after our third was born I moved in with my mother in another state and he without me knowing transferred his job and moved to that state a few months later, so I decided to give him another chance(well I felt I had no choice, he was at my door and my two oldest ages 3 & 5 at the time was happy to see him) we got a place together but within a year he started doing the same thing so I left him again, he pleaded with me to give him another chance and I did moving back in with him, he then moved a family member of his in knowing I didn't get along with her and without first talking to me about it (I wasn't working at the time so he felt I had no say about what went on in the household) so I left again.
Within a few months he asked me to come back again and I did and within two months I was pregnant with our forth child. Throughout that pregnancy he did everything I asked of him, talked to me about what bothered me, helped with the children, contributed with the housework etc and I thought things was going to workout, and foolishly married him but after the birth of our daughter he reverted back to his old ways, so I basically gave up trying to make things work and just went with the flow, I continued doing the things I normally did, but mentally and emotionally I was done and started pulling away. Two years after we married, a month before my 27 birthday and a couple of months before what would've been 11 years together I told him I was done for good and two months later I signed my new lease packed up my things and our daughters things, moved out and never looked back.
I realized that putting up with the way he was treating me just to give my daughters a two parent home wasn't good for them and that all I was teaching them was that it's ok to put up with being unhappy and mistreated in a relationship just because you have kids together, and I didn't want them to feel that was true because it's not. He tried for a year to get me to give him another chance but I refused. I told him he had 11 years to do right by me and he chose not to so I'm not wasting anymore years on him. Then I asked him why did he feel it was ok to treat me the way he did when he knows I did right by him and was good to him and he told me "honestly I felt I had you in the palm of my hands and that u wasn't going to ever leave me for good, but now that I see ur serious about not coming back I wish I did things differently."
He asked for counseling I refused, I was completely done and I wasn't paying someone to tell him what I been saying for years.
However staying that long especially being so young made me weary of guys, I even messed up a good relationship with a good guy because I wasn't use to the way he was treating me. It took me a long time to believe a guy would do right by me let alone trust him to do right by me, but I finally learned to stop letting that part of my life control my relationships, and that there are guys that would appreciate me and not take me for granted. I'm with someone now that makes me very happy and although we have our ups and downs we work it out and he treats my daughters and I really good and is everything I want in a man.
Sorry for the long post, but you gotta do what makes you happy and if leaving is what you feel will make you happy, then do that, it may not be easy at first but you'll get through it.
And it just goes to show that if we continue putting up with someone's bad behaviour it gives them a power over us. And yet all we are doing is being loving and caring whole they walk all over us and wipe their dirty feet on us too! Its only until we do something drastic like leaving them, do they Finally realise the error of their ways! TOO DAMN LATE!
I had an affair which was not actually meant to be an affair. We both took everything slowly even though we were both in relationships but my goal was to leave my husband for him as I'm in love with him and he with me. But there was so much going on between me and my husband that I didn't realise I was treating my lover like an affair. So he drifted away and went cold on me. It was this that made me realise what I'd done. He is broken hearted now. And so am I.
Anyway the reason I mentioned that is become husband found out early on about the 'affair' and only then did he try and change. It's pathetic!
However all he did was Go on and on about Trust and how he doesn't trust me anymore. Funny how he suddenly wants to tell how he feels once another man is involved! Too late!
We've been together 13 Years! I was 26 when I met him and him 24. Before we had a child, we had been together 10 years, 4 of it marriage. Therefore like your husband he had 10 years with me to talk to me and open up to me and I gave him a lot of coaxing but for nothing!
He just shut me out 24/7 pretended everything was fine but at the same time bossed me around in the house telling everything I do isn't good enough, then would call it 'helping me.' I wasn't doing anything wrong!
But as soon as I start seeing someone else, Suddenly he's hurt and Suddenly wants to talk! OMG! !
I am now 39 and going to be 40 in January! It scares me! I'm not ready to be 40 when I feel this sad and lonely!
So..Like your husband he never ever wanted to discuss issues with me and used to shut me out by pretending he was Fine, while at the same time would shut me out further night after night by being on his laptop while watching TV and totally ignoring my need for either a chat about anything or a talk about our marriage. So it was like he had double barriers against me! Physical ones - TV & lap top, and emotional barriers too!
Times I tried explaining how much it hurts to be shut out just for him to ignore me. And times I tried to explain how much he hurts me when he treats me like shit over the housework. He just fought against me like it's my problem not his!
He would always tell me he was fine but he acted like he was not! So confusing! But when I tried to get him to talk he just kept pushing me away.
I have a lot of sorting out to do. I just want to be happy again, like everyone does. I need to sort my marriage first and foremost to make sure my lovely little girl doesn't come off damaged! She is who I worry about the most - both staying in my marriage and Leaving!
But I also need to find a way to look after myself too, emotionally.
I really miss my lover and am trying to get him to come back to me. He has but it's almost nothing. He is very closed to me now and I'm nor surprised. I have kept him hanging on - unintentionally - while I stay with my husband.
I am very confused and am choking on my issues. And like you I am depressed. So cold empty and numb inside.
I'm so glad you finally managed to get away and find love again. I hope your happiness will continue ?
Does your husband see your kids or is he out of the picture completely?
Posted by aquarius_beautyYou're right. I get the same from my mum. Whenever I talk about my unhappiness I get 'you've got to take care of your little girl.'Posted by pooface222Yes it is. Especially when you have family telling you to pull through for the sake of the kids but what about our happiness?Posted by aquarius_beautyHi..Thank you for responding ..you sound like me right now. I'm not suicidal but some days I feel like I'm falling apart. And as you know being a mum when you are so unhappy is very hard indeed because you don't have time to be sad.
I went through something similar. I stayed for far too long in my marriage. I was so unhappy. Miserable, even contemplated suicide. But i pulled through because of my kids. It's difficult but you need to do what's best for you. What's worse? Staying in a miserable relationship with your husband and seeing him 24/7 or tolerating seeing him once in a while?
I'd walk away if I was you.
Are you still with your husband? I'm guessing not.
Does he see the kids? I am dreading having to spend time away from my little girl. I couldn't bear it.
No we're not together. Been separated since January. In the process of divorce. Almost finalized. Yes he does see the kids. He takes them for a couple of hours but I don't mind. I need the space and time to myself. But I understand more emotional mom's are more attached.click to expand
Everyone else says it too!
It's like they think I Don't Know this!
As mums we also need to think long term for ourselves as you said because one day our kids are going to grow up and lead lives of their own. Therefore once they've left home for University etc what then? Are we to be left sad and lonely still? No. We need to look after ourselves too.
I like that your ex has the kids for just a couple of hours. Will it always be that way? Or will he want joint custody once the divorce has finalised?
I know for sure my husband will want joint custody and will fight to see her. Quite frankly I wish he would go away and leave me with my little girl. I shouldn't have given him a child in the first place. I didn't want to as he was treating me badly. But as I said in my original post, I thought 'better the devil you know...'
Posted by Mark-23Will we ever?Posted by GemitatiPosted by VenusAquariusSo counseling hasn't done a damn thing?
Try counseling first.
My husband and I were divorced for 4 years and got back together. He worked on his issues and I love him like the first day.
That's what I'm trying to figure out!
click to expand
By now im totally convinced this chick is a troll
Posted by aquarius_beautyYou are not selfish x as you said your kids will grow up and what will you be left with?Posted by pooface222Exactly. Which is why I chose to walk away. I'm still young my kids will grow up and what will I be left with? I rather move on now than later. I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness. Call me selfish. IDCPosted by aquarius_beautyYou're right. I get the same from my mum. Whenever I talk about my unhappiness I get 'you've got to take care of your little girl.'Posted by pooface222Yes it is. Especially when you have family telling you to pull through for the sake of the kids but what about our happiness?Posted by aquarius_beautyHi..Thank you for responding ..you sound like me right now. I'm not suicidal but some days I feel like I'm falling apart. And as you know being a mum when you are so unhappy is very hard indeed because you don't have time to be sad.
I went through something similar. I stayed for far too long in my marriage. I was so unhappy. Miserable, even contemplated suicide. But i pulled through because of my kids. It's difficult but you need to do what's best for you. What's worse? Staying in a miserable relationship with your husband and seeing him 24/7 or tolerating seeing him once in a while?
I'd walk away if I was you.
Are you still with your husband? I'm guessing not.
Does he see the kids? I am dreading having to spend time away from my little girl. I couldn't bear it.
No we're not together. Been separated since January. In the process of divorce. Almost finalized. Yes he does see the kids. He takes them for a couple of hours but I don't mind. I need the space and time to myself. But I understand more emotional mom's are more attached.
Everyone else says it too!
It's like they think I Don't Know this!
As mums we also need to think long term for ourselves as you said because one day our kids are going to grow up and lead lives of their own. Therefore once they've left home for University etc what then? Are we to be left sad and lonely still? No. We need to look after ourselves too.
I like that your ex has the kids for just a couple of hours. Will it always be that way? Or will he want joint custody once the divorce has finalised?
I know for sure my husband will want joint custody and will fight to see her. Quite frankly I wish he would go away and leave me with my little girl. I shouldn't have given him a child in the first place. I didn't want to as he was treating me badly. But as I said in my original post, I thought 'better the devil you know...'
He wouldn't and will not fight for them half term. Hes too selfish. He loves his kids but I know it comes in between his freedom. I'm actually fighting for him to take them at least every other weekend. He hardly sees them and when he does it's just for a few hours on the weekend.click to expand
You say he only sees the kids for a few hours at the weekend..at the moment I would love it if my husband did that (once we're divorced). I actually wish I would just leave me and not want to see her again.
Am so tired of his bullsh*t.
But I know that he will want to see our little girl regular and I wouldn't like that! Especially as he pressured me into having children. Wouldn't take No for an answer. Then shut down on me and the communication (not that it was good anyway), completely broke down. It was like emotional torture. Pretending he's fine but acting like he's not but not talking to me.
Once I gave him a child, his issues were sorted but mine were left. And got worse.
There were unresolved issues in our marriage anyway. So I have made it worse by having a child to a man I can't stand!
Now? All I feel is guilt!
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