@Deedee86
10 Years1,000+ Posts
Men, do you value your girlfriend more if you had to chase her?
It's the relationship itself that matters, not the tricks to get the relationship.
I don't think it's as much about the chase, as how he feels about each girl.
With girl 1, he really liked her, gushing about her to everyone.
With girl 2, they didn't have any chemistry.
He doesn't feel that way about her.
Posted by Deedee86
A friend has been asking me for advice and it got me thinking. Here is the situation:Guy was chasing a girl for several months. He was always gushing to others about how great she was and his face lit up when he was around her. They blatantly flirted all the time. Even though he tried, the girl always kept him at arms length and never agreed to a date.
In comes girl 2. She has known the guy as a coworker for a couple years. They talk but no real chemistry. Recently girl 2 broke up with a long term boyfriend and started looking at the guy as more than a friend. Seeing him with girl 1 made her jealous. One day, guy was a work feeling down because girl 1 wouldn't go out with him. That night girl 2 texted him and told him that she was in love with him. Guy said ok and they have been in a relationship since.
Guy doesn't seem very interested and girl 2 is now feeling insecure. They have been together for 7 months but he still lights up when he sees girl 1.Girl 2 still hasn't seen guy look at her that way.
My theory is that she basically threw herself at him so he doesn't value her as much. He didn't have to work for her so he doesn't view her as a prize.
Is there a way for her to increase her value in his eyes?
What he see's is the woman who kept him at arm's length. They swapped places. Obviously something has changed when he looks at his current partner. It also raises the question, did she truly care about him or was it jealousy of losing her flirt buddy? In relationships the reason is more important than the action. If she isn't the same flirtacious fun person that drove him crazy she maybe asking the wrong questions. The common in all failed relationships is somewhere someone lost something that drives the other to seek it elsewhere. Under the circumstances of their start I'd tell her to start with herself. I don't think he's the problem. I think his behavior is a symptom of the real problem. She needs to increase his value in her eyes. I could be wrong but if he figured out that's why he is with her now, that would hurt. She obviously is certain he is loyal or she would have asked you that. So it makes me think she changed and his current state is the result. She needs to put her attention on how important he is to her and pretend the other girl doesn't exist. That negativity can manifest and she probably doesn't even realize that she's doing it
Posted by Deedee86
A friend has been asking me for advice and it got me thinking. Here is the situation:Guy was chasing a girl for several months. He was always gushing to others about how great she was and his face lit up when he was around her. They blatantly flirted all the time. Even though he tried, the girl always kept him at arms length and never agreed to a date.
In comes girl 2. She has known the guy as a coworker for a couple years. They talk but no real chemistry. Recently girl 2 broke up with a long term boyfriend and started looking at the guy as more than a friend. Seeing him with girl 1 made her jealous. One day, guy was a work feeling down because girl 1 wouldn't go out with him. That night girl 2 texted him and told him that she was in love with him. Guy said ok and they have been in a relationship since.
Guy doesn't seem very interested and girl 2 is now feeling insecure. They have been together for 7 months but he still lights up when he sees girl 1.Girl 2 still hasn't seen guy look at her that way.
My theory is that she basically threw herself at him so he doesn't value her as much. He didn't have to work for her so he doesn't view her as a prize.
Is there a way for her to increase her value in his eyes?
What he see's is the woman who kept him at arm's length. They swapped places. Obviously something has changed when he looks at his current partner. It also raises the question, did she truly care about him or was it jealousy of losing her flirt buddy? In relationships the reason is more important than the action. If she isn't the same flirtacious fun person that drove him crazy she maybe asking the wrong questions. The common in all failed relationships is somewhere someone lost something that drives the other to seek it elsewhere. Under the circumstances of their start I'd tell her to start with herself. I don't think he's the problem. I think his behavior is a symptom of the real problem. She needs to increase his value in her eyes. I could be wrong but if he figured out that's why he is with her now, that would hurt. She obviously is certain he is loyal or she would have asked you that. So it makes me think she changed and his current state is the result. She needs to put her attention on how important he is to her and pretend the other girl doesn't exist. That negativity can manifest and she probably doesn't even realize that she's doing it
click to expand
Sorry to answer your question. The chase is fun everytime. A good relationship is can be just as fun and crazy as the chase. Relationships just need alot more effort. Im in a not much effort time in my life so the chase is all i can offer. The relationship i was in(only 2 in my life classify as a relationship yes im a dirty slut) was wonderful adventure. It didnt work out but I learned alot. The answer to that question can change in the blink of an eye so for me the chase. I haven't met anyone that makes me want to build something.
Is there a way for her to increase her value in his eyes?
You mean is there some way she could
orchestrate that?
I don't think so... what he feels for the other
woman isn't exactly real, anyway.
She's the unreachable unknown.
But being obviously insecure won't help--
she would probably be better off using a direct
approach... not accusing, just stating the facts.
I know I couldn't (wouldn't) play second fiddle
or remain in a situation that made me feel that
way. .. bleh.
Lots of great replies! Sorry, I fell asleep so I'm late to respond. I'm going to see her in a few hours at work and I know that she will be crying about something he said or did.
I'm thinking that a lot of the problem lies within herself. She's so insecure that she analyzes ever little thing that he says and makes It into something that it's not.
When girl 1 is around she watches his every move. If he looks or says anything she gets upset. Girl 1 is not necessarily better but she presents herself as more confident and put together. Work is uniforms but even there, girl 1 has her hair brushed and girl 2 has a messy knot on top of her head with lots of grey roots. The few times I have seen them out girl 1 was dressed up and girl 2 was in ratty sweats. I'm going to gently suggest to girl 2 that she take better care of her appearance. Not for him, but to boost her own self esteem.
Everyone was shocked to her that they got together because it was the most unlikely pairing ever. There really wasn't any obvious chemistry. With girl 1, everyone was already whispering about them, thinking that they were in a secret relationship. When he got with girl 1, everyone was left scratching their heads.
I know and am friendly with all 3 of them but closest with girl 2. I don't see girl 1 being malicious. There is definitely chemistry with her and the guy but she would be dating down. That's why people were whispering.
Posted by Gob_Shite
The whole chasing thing is social conditioning bullshit. Things can (and should) happen organically.Girl 2 was on the rebound and the guy now realises it. How can you break up with someone and immediately fall in love with someone else?
Girl 1 is simply an immature bitch who loves to play mind games. Her reaction to him seeing Girl 2 is simply her ego talking. Actually, it was ALWAYS about her ego.
Girl 1 has zero reaction to them. It's the girl he is with now that gets upset.
Posted by Gob_Shite
The whole chasing thing is social conditioning bullshit. Things can (and should) happen organically.Girl 2 was on the rebound and the guy now realises it. How can you break up with someone and immediately fall in love with someone else?
Girl 1 is simply an immature bitch who loves to play mind games. H̶e̶r̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶G̶i̶r̶l̶ ̶2̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶s̶i̶m̶p̶l̶y̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶e̶g̶o̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶. Actually, it was ALWAYS about her ego.
Girl 1 has zero reaction to them. It's the girl he is with now that gets upset.
Fixed, not that it makes much of a difference...
Girl 2 is deeply insecure and needs to stop relationship jumping.
click to expand
Yes, I agree. I hate being put on the spot by her, especially at work. I usually just tell her that I want no part of it. But she's always sad and depressing and crying about something.
The guy doesn't talk about anyone but whenever he is not around, girl 2 talks about how mean he is to her. She is trying to be the victim and him the monster so when they do breakup (and they will) people will be on her side. Every week she announces that she is leaving him. I'm not sure that he is even aware of this.
Posted by Deedee86
A friend has been asking me for advice and it got me thinking. Here is the situation:Guy was chasing a girl for several months. He was always gushing to others about how great she was and his face lit up when he was around her. They blatantly flirted all the time. Even though he tried, the girl always kept him at arms length and never agreed to a date.
In comes girl 2. She has known the guy as a coworker for a couple years. They talk but no real chemistry. Recently girl 2 broke up with a long term boyfriend and started looking at the guy as more than a friend. Seeing him with girl 1 made her jealous. One day, guy was a work feeling down because girl 1 wouldn't go out with him. That night girl 2 texted him and told him that she was in love with him. Guy said ok and they have been in a relationship since.
Guy doesn't seem very interested and girl 2 is now feeling insecure. They have been together for 7 months but he still lights up when he sees girl 1.Girl 2 still hasn't seen guy look at her that way.
My theory is that she basically threw herself at him so he doesn't value her as much. He didn't have to work for her so he doesn't view her as a prize.
Is there a way for her to increase her value in his eyes?
it sounds like they are just both needing company and to appease the loneliness.
the guy wanted /desired the first girl.
and the 2nd girl who he was NOT into, was,well.....at least someone wants me, kind of feeling. Might as well try to love this one.... *sigh* here we go.... she is nice and friendly and kind. why not??
and the girl herself broke up, so it sounds like she was going for a rebound.
both needing eachother in a time of loneliness.
maybe in truth, they are TWIN flames...they are both fixing/healing their broken hearts of not being needed/wanted by the one they really wanted??
Posted by Deedee86
A friend has been asking me for advice and it got me thinking. Here is the situation:Guy was chasing a girl for several months. He was always gushing to others about how great she was and his face lit up when he was around her. They blatantly flirted all the time. Even though he tried, the girl always kept him at arms length and never agreed to a date.
In comes girl 2. She has known the guy as a coworker for a couple years. They talk but no real chemistry. Recently girl 2 broke up with a long term boyfriend and started looking at the guy as more than a friend. Seeing him with girl 1 made her jealous. One day, guy was a work feeling down because girl 1 wouldn't go out with him. That night girl 2 texted him and told him that she was in love with him. Guy said ok and they have been in a relationship since.
Guy doesn't seem very interested and girl 2 is now feeling insecure. They have been together for 7 months but he still lights up when he sees girl 1.Girl 2 still hasn't seen guy look at her that way.
My theory is that she basically threw herself at him so he doesn't value her as much. He didn't have to work for her so he doesn't view her as a prize.
Is there a way for her to increase her value in his eyes?
it sounds like they are just both needing company and to appease the loneliness.
the guy wanted /desired the first girl.
and the 2nd girl who he was NOT into, was,well.....at least someone wants me, kind of feeling. Might as well try to love this one.... *sigh* here we go.... she is nice and friendly and kind. why not??
and the girl herself broke up, so it sounds like she was going for a rebound.
both needing eachother in a time of loneliness.
click to expand
That is 100% what I was thinking.
Posted by Gob_Shite
The whole chasing thing is social conditioning bullshit. Things can (and should) happen organically.Girl 2 was on the rebound and the guy now realises it. How can you break up with someone and immediately fall in love with someone else?
Girl 1 is simply an immature bitch who loves to play mind games. H̶e̶r̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶G̶i̶r̶l̶ ̶2̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶s̶i̶m̶p̶l̶y̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶e̶g̶o̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶. Actually, it was ALWAYS about her ego.
Girl 1 has zero reaction to them. It's the girl he is with now that gets upset.
Fixed, not that it makes much of a difference...
Girl 2 is deeply insecure and needs to stop relationship jumping.
Yes, I agree. I hate being put on the spot by her, especially at work. I usually just tell her that I want no part of it. But she's always sad and depressing and crying about something.
The guy doesn't talk about anyone but whenever he is not around, girl 2 talks about how mean he is to her. She is trying to be the victim and him the monster so when they do breakup (and they will) people will be on her side. Every week she announces that she is leaving him. I'm not sure that he is even aware of this.
Reminds me of an ex. Trying to cut off his options by killing his social life. Is there anything redeeming about Girl 2 as an individual, at all? So far she seems like a supervillain without the appearance.
click to expand
She is not a villain at all. I can't really describe her. She could be attractive if she took care of herself. She is sometimes nice but most people find her kind of cold. She tries to put herself out there as a victim but as you get to know the situation you realize that she is manipulating. An example is she would try to pick up extra shifts by asking other people to give up theirs. She would tell us that she needed money for groceries so she could feed her kid so we would feel sorry for her. Then it came out that she eats in restaurants every night and bought a ps4 the same weekend she was crying poverty.
Posted by BuffaloBills28
No not really. Hard to cherish someone who you have to chase consistently. Shows a bit of immaturity if anything..
Men never "chase" women.
Boys might do stupid shit like that, but men do not.
If a woman wants to be with a high quality man, then she better get her shit together and chase after him.
Men are the leaders, not the chasers.
Anyone who disagrees with my statement of the facts should take a good look at the healthy natural order, and can KMA if they still disagree.
Posted by Gob_Shite
The whole chasing thing is social conditioning bullshit. Things can (and should) happen organically.Girl 2 was on the rebound and the guy now realises it. How can you break up with someone and immediately fall in love with someone else?
Girl 1 is simply an immature bitch who loves to play mind games. H̶e̶r̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶G̶i̶r̶l̶ ̶2̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶s̶i̶m̶p̶l̶y̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶e̶g̶o̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶. Actually, it was ALWAYS about her ego.
Girl 1 has zero reaction to them. It's the girl he is with now that gets upset.
Fixed, not that it makes much of a difference...
Girl 2 is deeply insecure and needs to stop relationship jumping.
Yes, I agree. I hate being put on the spot by her, especially at work. I usually just tell her that I want no part of it. But she's always sad and depressing and crying about something.
The guy doesn't talk about anyone but whenever he is not around, girl 2 talks about how mean he is to her. She is trying to be the victim and him the monster so when they do breakup (and they will) people will be on her side. Every week she announces that she is leaving him. I'm not sure that he is even aware of this.
Reminds me of an ex. Trying to cut off his options by killing his social life. Is there anything redeeming about Girl 2 as an individual, at all? So far she seems like a supervillain without the appearance.
She is not a villain at all. I can't really describe her. She could be attractive if she took care of herself. She is sometimes nice but most people find her kind of cold. She tries to put herself out there as a victim but as you get to know the situation you realize that she is manipulating. An example is she would try to pick up extra shifts by asking other people to give up theirs. She would tell us that she needed money for groceries so she could feed her kid so we would feel sorry for her. Then it came out that she eats in restaurants every night and bought a ps4 the same weekend she was crying poverty.
click to expand
whoa she really hustled.
lol
oh my god, reminds me of this girl me and my cancer sun/pisces moon gf knew....
she gave the impression that she is dirt poor, but in fact she is super mega rich!!
she complained that when she was in a 3rd world country vacationing with family that she is suffering with the heat and the conditions. and that the water was turned off...ect (we were all thinking aww how horrible!! misquitos, and lack of water, the heat and the terrible conditions)
but in truth, she was in a luxurious big home, (it is one of their family's several homes all over the world) where the air conditioning was just broken down for a short while, and they fixed it/replaced it.
and that in truth, her home is this MANSION with indoor pool. lol
we POOR folks were feeling so sorry for her.....
it's kind of hilarious. oh well. that's life.
Chasing women is just so idiot. And it gains you no respect with women for the most part. With me, the process is simple. If I like you, i'll tell you. If you like me back, tell me. Fuck all of the little games and bullshit.
Did this help you understand your situation?
dxpnet has hosted real conversations like this since 2000. If you value independent communities, you can support the site below.
Every contribution helps keep dxpnet independent and ad-light.
Join the Conversation. Explore Yourself. Connect with Others.
Discover insights, swap stories, and find people. dxpnet is where experiences turn into understanding.
Create Your Free Account →
A friend has been asking me for advice and it got me thinking. Here is the situation:
Guy was chasing a girl for several months. He was always gushing to others about how great she was and his face lit up when he was around her. They blatantly flirted all the time. Even though he tried, the girl always kept him at arms length and never agreed to a date.
In comes girl 2. She has known the guy as a coworker for a couple years. They talk but no real chemistry. Recently girl 2 broke up with a long term boyfriend and started looking at the guy as more than a friend. Seeing him with girl 1 made her jealous. One day, guy was a work feeling down because girl 1 wouldn't go out with him. That night girl 2 texted him and told him that she was in love with him. Guy said ok and they have been in a relationship since.
Guy doesn't seem very interested and girl 2 is now feeling insecure. They have been together for 7 months but he still lights up when he sees girl 1.Girl 2 still hasn't seen guy look at her that way.
My theory is that she basically threw herself at him so he doesn't value her as much. He didn't have to work for her so he doesn't view her as a prize.
Is there a way for her to increase her value in his eyes?